The Webmaster, fabled "helper" from Bungie of old, has returned. Only a year between this episode and the last. Note to new Bungie.net readers: The Webmaster is a cantankerous, beer-addled misfit who wears a gorilla suit and expecting sensible, polite answers from him is akin to gouging out your own eyes with frozen carrots. If you are easily offended, or frankly, if you are difficult to offend, then you should consider leaving now. If you wish, for some bizarre reason to email him, then he can be contacted at: webmaster@bungie.com.

Why hasn't there been an update to the "Letters to the Webmaster" page since February?

-Alex

Alex-

The only reason my pace seems glacial to you is that you are not privy to the cavalcade of horrors that constitutes my private and professional life. "Oh, why hasn't the Webmaster plowed through another thirty letters?" everyone thinks. "He's had a whole year. What a slacker." Now I'm not going to whine about my experiences and turn this noble page into some sort of half-assed Ricki Lake freak show. I don't whine about how hard it is for a guy in a gorilla suit to get into American airspace with his jetpack nowadays, or what a cramp that's put in my charity efforts to airlift Microsoft employees to hungry gators. I don't talk about the heartbreak I suffered earlier this year when my beautiful girlfriend left me for a series of men who all vanished mysteriously within twenty-four hours of my discovering their identities. There's been a little pain and more than a few tears, so you'll just have to take a big swig from that tall glass of the milk of human kindness and accept my somewhat flighty nature. Besides, whether I'm gamboling across the Microsoft campus leaving a trail of small fires, or testifying before Congress in support of a bill that would criminalize Vanessa Carlton, or just sitting on my porch leading my jug band through a heartfelt rendition of "Groove is in the Heart," I'm always thinking about you. Not just you, Alex; the more general, plural "you." Being me is harder than it looks.

Hello my friend Alex says that he got a Halo 2 demo from his step dad named Jeff. It is a playable demo I myself do not think he has it but I wanted to ask the creators!!! WELL THANKS FOR YOUR TIME!!!!!!!!

Tboneaaron

T-Bone-

Whenever I get a letter from someone named T-Bone, I regret dropping out of school. Nevertheless, T, I will confirm that your "friend" is lying about having a Halo 2 demo. Moreover, it is my somber duty to inform you that recent changes in federal law spell doom for your friend and his stepfather. It's a funny story actually. In the aftermath of the Microsoft antitrust trial, we thought "Hey, perhaps we could use the enormous wealth and power of our parent company to influence government policy." A few phone calls later we had a mandatory death penalty not only for actual Bungie NDA violators but also those who spread blatant falsehoods about our game in the GUISE of beta-testers violating NDAs. We were half-kidding when we asked for it, but why look a gift horse in the mouth? Anyway, the larger point here is that your "friend" and his stepfather are both getting the chair, because we're not quite sure which one told the lie and it's best to stamp out all possible vectors of misinformation. I would say "At last my tax dollars are going to something worthwhile" but I don't pay my taxes. But I have a newfound appreciation for those of you who do.

Hello,
I'm a new visitor to Bungie.com and risking the possibility of appearing on Webmaster's "Idiot letter of the month", I'd just like to know if there will be some type of download to uprgrade my current Halo game to be played over the Xbox Live system. I appreciate your help.

Aaron

Aaron-

Ordinarily I would find some excuse to skewer you, but you asked very politely and you are just plain Aaron rather than T-Bone Aaron, so I'll be nice. But not nice enough to give you the answer you want to hear. There will never be any download that updates Halo to work with Xbox Live. It's all part of our evil plan to make you buy the sequel.

Hi,
Our two companies haven't had the chance to work together yet. Maybe it's because you don't know us. So let me briefly introduce Arrogant Music
< /> [Rest of spam snipped]

Pierre ROGER
CEO and President
SA ARROGANT MUSIC NV

Hi, Lucky Pierre-

Our Music guy is already more arrogant than you. Thanks anyway.

Nick-

This is one of those real puzzlers that will never be answered. I wish we could travel back in time to correct this oversight and address this question in the manual. Perhaps on page 5.

I want to know what classes I should take for college . And also I no you guys do a great job at your work and you must get this all the time but for halo I have good ideas for it [ not bad ones like there should be a cat-tank ] im not stupid like that I no what people like and what people don't like I work good. please just tell me what classes I should take so I will be 1 of the best when I get older [and work for bungie] I think a good name for the master chief would be John mecoy

Bob

Bob-

Start with some English classes like Spelling & Punctuation 001. Eventually you'll work your way up to Remedial Comprehension and perhaps Individual Thought 101. If your school has a strong creative writing program you may wish to attend their "Character Names: Avoiding Copyright Infringement and Soul-Numbing Cliche for Fun and Profit" seminar. You still won't be able to get a job in the software industry but maybe you'll be able to draft a suitable letter of apology to your parents.

Desperately trying to find a copy of my favourite ever game ,which i gave when i sold my pc,but cant find now ive got another

Andy F.

Andy-

If only you had mentioned what game it was. Alas.

lets face it....

the XBox is a big fat black hunk of -blam!-. it's an overgrown desktop pc with parts that were never really intended to work optimally for games. besides the fact that Microsoft (aka Legion of Evil) claims it's the "most powerful system available".

It's the most powerful doorstop available

why make games for a doorstop?

Here's an idea:

why not make games for a system that wasn't designed to lure stupid testosteronal rich boys who only want to see blood and explosions... why not make revolutionary game concepts for a capable system with absolutely gorgeous unrivaled graphics and a crontroller thats comabines all the best features of the best controllers of yore... why not make games for a system whose architecture is for nothing but games and was derived from graphics workstations... why not make games for a system that is really all about the games....?????

make games for gamecube.

Pete R.

Pete-

You may think of the Xbox as a big fat black hunk of -blam!-, but it's OUR big fat black hunk of -blam!-, and we intend to keep rubbing your face in it for a good long time. It sounds like you enjoy rolling around in marketing-speak, so you should find the experience comfortingly familiar. Enjoy!

hey you guys make the best games, but why don't you make them for other consoles like nintendo gamecube. Please give it some though.

Mike Buraglio

Mike-

Oh, we'll give it some, all right.

hi mate, i think ive figured out the background story for halo, u know, the reason the covenant are trying to wipe out the humans. i dont know if any one else has though, but i would be surprised if they hadnt. I mean, there are alot of people that play halo, at least a few million anyway. My point is, in halo 2 we are supposed to realise that there were a lot of clues in the first game as to why everything is happening, but i think i know already. at least i have a fairly good idea and it all stems from 343 guilty spark. Anyways if your interested let me know, if not i wont waste anymore of your time. Thanks for listening.

Killkrazy

 Kill-

Thanks for writing, but I think we figured out the backstory a long time ago. Hang on to it in case we forget.

Bungie can you please make halo 2 rated E fore everyone By Chance

Carolyn

Carolyn-

By chance, eh? Technically I suppose it's possible - if utterly improbable - that the ESRB will give Halo an E rating. Perhaps if we used our Plan B storyline in which the Master Chief crash lands on a mysterious nose-shaped alien construct and has to run and jump through eight wacky, colorful levels to save Princess Cortana from the evil Doctor Snot and his slimy henchmen. Hell, we might as well throw Mary Kate and Ashley in there as well. Get rid of Marty and replace him with one of those "top forty songs recorded by toddlers" CDs they sell on TV. Actually that might not be a bad idea.

Greetings,

I have sent this to the only email addresses listed on the Bungie/Contact details web page. If you think you are an inappropriate recipient, think again. It's addressed to YOU, and everyone else all the way up to Bill gates. Spread it around.

I just wanted to send a short note to you folk to say how disappointed and betrayed many thousands of former Bungie fans are at the way in which you sold out to Microsoft. I listened attentively to all the wailing you did when the sell-out occurred about how Bungie weren't going over to the "Dark Side". You lied.

Case in point: Halo for the Mac. Yes, yes, "Halo WILL ship for the Mac". Yada yada yada. How could you think of announcing development of Halo 2 without even releasing Halo 1 for the original platform it was commenced for? You just might still be right if you say that Halo for the Mac will eventually arrive. But what's the point? Halo for XBox was released months ago. It's been played, dissected, walk-throughed. The sense of shared exploration and mystery is now gone, spent.

Mac users are like the teenagers who arrive at the party of a good friend only to find that the friend lied about the time and everyone is going home.

I'm sure you're laughing all the way to the bank. Shame about your soul, though.

Sincerely,

Nathan

Nathan-

I find it interesting that of all the people in the world to whom you could have whined about souls, you picked the Bungie Webmaster. That says a lot about your powers of perception right there.

You'll be pleased to know that Halo's development originally commenced on the PC because the 3D stuff on the Mac wasn't up to par at the time. The Mac only caught up a couple weeks before the big MacWorld announcement. That we ported our code in a couple weeks is testimony not only to our mad skills but also our generosity of spirit. We WANTED to do it.

If you feel like a spotty teenager left out of the cool kids' party, Nathan, it's not because you're a Mac user. It's because most people, Mac users included, actually are cooler than you. Maybe it's because they don't walk around with a big stick up their ass all the time.

hey im just a kid but what is the highest paying job u have and how much does it pay?

Ben Uphouse

Ben- The highest paying job I ever had was towel boy in a leper colony steam room. This was a pricey, exclusive leper colony - like Club Med but with more rotting flesh. Not much more, but enough. It was pretty cool because I got to keep anything I found in the steam room at the end of the day. This provided me with a steady stream of food for my pet parrot, Lucky, as well as raw material for several art projects which I sold from a crafts kiosk in the local shopping mall. There weren't many buyers so I moved to the food court and rebranded my kiosk as the "Carmelized Braunschweiger on a Stick Shoppe." That's when the health department stepped in and I had to flee the area, eventually settling in the great city of Chicago. The rest is history. For what it's worth, I took a pay cut to work for Bungie, and another one when we moved to Microsoft, so perhaps my memories are colored by nostalgia for the days when money seemed to fall into my lap (quite literally during the rainy season).

 I just completed halo on legendry, does this open anything up other than the different ending?

Stewart

Stew-

This late after the game's release, I'd say finishing it opens you up to the ridicule of superior Halo players, but not much else.

How do the sexless Pfhor Enforcers reproduce, anyway?

Rincewind

Rince-

Hey now. I don't think you of all people really want to start casting stones and pointing fingers at the so-called sexless. Things are tough all over.

Pfhor Enforcer have two small orifices, one on each shoulder. For most of their life, those orifices (roughly equal in diameter to an American dime) don't do anything, except in a small percentage of Enforcers who can make them suppurate at will. This curious physical anomaly usually manifests late in childhood and, apart from being quite the icebreaker at parties, is the sole factor that marks it as a Major (as opposed to Minor) Enforcer. Regardless of Major or Minor status, these orifices become very important towards the end of an Enforcer's life. (We're speaking here of lives which end naturally and without cyborg assistance.) When the time comes, the Enforcer retires to its living quarters and assumes a relaxed position. The orifice on the left shoulder dilates and several pellets sluice out, resembling Milk Duds in teriyaki sauce. Major Enforcers expel between twenty and thirty of these pellets; Minor Enforcers only manage ten to fifteen. They sift slowly through the messy globes and select one using some strange train of logic known only to the Enforcers. The others are crushed underfoot until nothing is left of them but a slightly crunchy paste. The Enforcer coats the remaining pellet in this paste and allows it to harden into a softball-sized lump. Seven weeks later, when the infant Enforcer eats its way through the remainder of this shell, the parent enforcer sits down with the child (which is roughly the size of a softball at this point) and names it. Minor Enforcers are restricted to one apostrophe in their offspring's name (ex: Ste've) while Major Enforcers may incorporate multiple apostrophes (ex: Je'nn'y). Note that a multi-apostrophe name does not indicate that the offspring of a Major Enforcer will itself become a Major Enforcer. Parent and child spend another week together, during which time the offspring learns all there is to know about being an Enforcer; though it will be several years before it becomes mature enough to act on instructions, the infant Enforcer has an incredible ability to absorb and memorize them. At the end of the week, the orifice on the parent's right shoulder opens up, discharging the Enforcer's entire skeletal system and (as you might expect) killing it in the process. The infant remains in the parent's living quarters until it reaches the size of its deceased parent, at which point it leaves the room and joins Pfhor society. This takes about nine earth years, during which time the Enforcer amuses itself by building its signature weapon out of the malleable, cartilaginous skeleton of its immediate ancestor.

Hey, you asked.

I just beat Halo for the first time. Great game.

I actually paid attention to the credits, in fact... which is rare for me to do. Anyway, I noticed at the end there was a list of people and who they wanted to thank. A line toward the end caught my eye.

I believe the line was exactly this:

"Stefan: God, 48th&VanDorn KFC"

I really really want to know, if that 48th and VanDorn Kentucky Fried Chicken this Stefan is referring to, is in fact as I suspect... the one in my city of Lincoln, Nebraska.

If you can help me confirm or deny this suspicion, I'd greatly appreciate it!

-Brian McGuire

Brian-

You are correct; Stefan was referring to that very KFC. When pressed for an explanation, he replied "My womens make me a lot of money in the parking lot of that KFC." Apparently there is more than one sort of "extra-spicy" product for sale in that part of Lincoln. Stefan asked that you say hello to Brendeyne and tell her that if he doesn't get what's rightfully his, she's gonna get hers.

no flood or anything like it in Halo 2. the flood sicked, and everyone hated them.

Martha

Martha-

One heapin' helping of Flood coming up. Any other requests?

Just wondering if the bungie guys working on Halo 2 could stomach one more idea from a fan.....

What about an new "comical" sound option for multiplayer in halo 2. ex.--- instead of a death moan, how about a "boing" when another player is nailed with a rocket launcher.

The possibilities are endless and could put a different twist on the game.(And possibly stress players out more when they are killed.) Red Team has the flag.....BOING!!!!! Blue Team flag recovered......hee hee.....

Sandra-

We'll think about it, but I'm pretty sure the Dead or Alive guys will beat us to the punch on any "boing" FX.

Hello, I m a french custumer and I want to have few information about HALO. I have search an other e-mail but i don't find one. Who have done halo music ? What is the title of the plage ? I mad of this music ...

Best Regards.

Gregoire

Greg-

I realize this is considered somewhat crass, but in the interest of helping you understand the sometimes-confusing English language I must correct some of your errors in spelling and sentence structure.

First, you misspelled "customer" - though your spelling makes a certain amount of phonetic sense, so I'll let it slide. More serious problems afflict the latter half of your letter, which should be phrased as follows: "Who's the idiot who wrote that Halo music? What is the name of this plague upon humanity? This music makes me furious!" Also, you ended the body of your letter with an ellipsis, presumably to show a textual omission - but it is advisable to print your complete thought, which I imagine might read something like: "Is that the same guy I've seen pictures of on your site? How many kitty-litter commercials did you have to sift through to find that guy? Do you know what we call a mullet in France? A mullet! Even if he's cut his hair since that picture was taken, all you have to do is listen to 'Rock Anthem for Saving the World' to hear his hidden hesher tendencies sprouting forth like so much greasy brown hair under a backwards baseball cap. This is probably one of those really old guys who surrounds himself with gadgetry and listens to a lot of 70s prog-rock. I'm right, aren't I?" To which I would reply: not only is your English excellent, but your analysis of Marty O'Donnell is spot-on.

Can I please work on this website?

Small pay.

Mr. X nero

Mr. X-

How about zero pay for zero work. Is that small enough?

Is there a way to get in touch with some of the top brass in Bungie? Evil Egg

Evil-

You just did. Though I confess I'm really just brass-plated aluminum, and in fact I traded my brass-plated Webmaster badge for some bourbon one sad, lonely, miserable night. In fact, it was last night. I was working late, helping out the Bungie Hardware Division with their new project. The plan was to build Bungie-branded plasma screens for the best possible Bungie gaming experience, but it turns out we need a totally different kind of plasma than the sort I drained from Microsoft's Marketing team. So much for my big money-saving idea. Anyway, by the time we finished cleaning up the mess I needed a drink, but now we live in the Seattle area where all the bars close at sundown so the patrons can run home before they get eaten by Bigfoot. Luckily I found a hobo who was willing to trade his half-empty fifth of Wild Turkey for my shiny Webmaster badge. The best part is that I was able to trade the booze back for the badge once buyer's remorse set in. It needed polishing, but in all honesty the bourbon was slightly used by the time I gave it back, so it worked out pretty fair.

Are you gonna set back and watch halo get on the PC?I dont think microsofts rep exepts this.

Acid fog

Acid-

Boy, you caught us red-handed. We were hoping to keep this whole Halo PC thing secret so Microsoft wouldn't find out and we wouldn't have to hear from Microsoft's rep that he wouldn't exept our development plan. Way to blow the whistle on a potentially disastrous plot!

I have it on good authority that when it comes to Halo, Microsoft's rep will exept cash, check and credit cards from anyone, be he Xbox, PC or Mac owner. That's just the kind of guy he is.

Why is gear box gonna make Halo for the pc? and isn't Halo just for X-BOX?or was that just a sales lie?

Acid fog

Acid-

What a remarkably apt handle you've chosen. Gearbox is making Halo for the PC because we asked them to do it. And yes, the presence of Halo on PCs pretty much eliminates your whole "just for Xbox" description. You know, logic and all that. Never mind.

I was just wondering do you accept game ideas from the public?? Only because i have a cool idea for a game and i think you could make it just the way i imagine it and i wouldnt be in it for profit i would ask for like 10% i would just love to see my idea come to life
Please email me back with an answer
Looking foward to your reply

Ben

Ben-

You're not in it for profit, so you'll only ask for ten percent. Wow. I bet you're not even asking for ten percent of the gross. Now that's charity. Unfortunately for you, ten percent of nothing is still nothing - and I haven't even billed you for my time yet.

This is not really a comment about the website. I was just wondering why, in Halo, the shotgun a pathetic pump action instead of auto loading. I mean, the master chief is a marine, right? Well, as a marine, let me tell you that today's marine corps has adopted a semi automatic shotgun made by Benelli--a semi automatic, gas operated 12 gauge shotgun with a collapsable buttsock and pistol grip. I own a benelli myself. For all of Halo's high tech futurism, that shotgun was ridiculous.

Matt L.

Matt-

It's hard for me to take your charges seriously when you brag about using a weapon with a collapsable buttsock. What the hell is a buttsock, and what sort of man needs one in combat? Sounds like some sort of hideous combination of a wind sock and a diaper. In my mind's eye I see a platoon of Marines in full battle regalia, gamboling across the fields with brightly-colored buttsocks flapping cheerfully in the breeze. But we're the ridiculous ones. Right. Sounds like someone's buttsock is fully extended.

hey just letting you guys know that i just bought unreal championship and it ROCKS MY BALLS! OHH YEAH! crazy weapons, awesome particle effects, and no covenant dropships "inbound"! haha you guys at bungie suck a fat one! ohh yeah!

Scott B.

Dear Scott-

Leave your mother out of this.