The Webmaster, fabled "helper" from Bungie of old, has returned. Only a year between this episode and the last. Note to new Bungie.net readers: The Webmaster is a cantankerous, beer-addled misfit who wears a gorilla suit and expecting sensible, polite answers from him is akin to gouging out your own eyes with frozen carrots. If you are easily offended, or frankly, if you are difficult to offend, then you should consider leaving now. If you wish, for some bizarre reason to email him, then he can be contacted at: webmaster@bungie.com.

You can be really funny at times, but you often sound like a complete jerk. You're both harsh and arrogant, and should definitely lighten up. From what I gather, you were probably harassed by your peers as a child. You swore vengeance upon the offspring of your oppressors in hopes of one day implementing your counter-attack in the form of verbal assault. When the age of the Internet dawned and Bungie established itself as a well known name in the computer industry, you got your wish as a webmaster: the only place where you will ever play God and fulfill your sick and twisted dream. As a McFly once said: "Lighten up, jerk".

Eric Rosheger

Eric-

Funny story: I won this job at a penny carnival. You know the deal: there's a few dozen tiny fishbowls with feeder goldfish inside, and you pay your nickel and if you toss a ping-pong ball into a fishbowl you win the goldfish inside. I pegged a bowl on my 3,587th try and was ecstatic, as I'd just blown all my money on the goldfish toss and could not afford lunch anymore. The man running the ping-pong toss, somehow sensing my desperation, took me aside and said "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, but teach a man to fish and he'll spend the rest of his life sitting by the riverbank, occasionally swigging from a whiskey bottle and never getting anything done, like some sort of half-assed Huckleberry Finn." This wouldn't have bothered me except he then ate the fish himself.

Then he gave me a little guidebook thingy - "So You're Going To Be The Bungie Webmaster" - and told me I would start next Monday. This seemed bizarre at the time but I've since learned that most hiring in the technology industry is done in exactly this manner.

Over the weekend I read the book cover to cover. That's right: both pages. It was written in the didactic style of a tertiary syphiletic who knows the electric chair is three hours away and isn't sure that's a bad thing. Since it is impossible to single out any particular passages as better than any others, and it is extraordinarily brief, I present it here in its entirety.

So You're Going To Be The Bungie Webmaster:
Guidelines, Policies and Inspiration

First Edition, copyright 1995

Confidential - not to be distributed outside Bungie

Chapter One: Introduction to Bungie, Our Mission Statement, and Where You Fit In

BLAM yourmom DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK these will be the watchwords watch words watch them they're coming to get you just like they did back in poughkeepsie and there aint no invisible coathanger that can stop them this time. AAAARG why you torture me this way why why why why why why why why why why why I hate you and have always hated you and will always hate you and when I'm dead I'll crawl from my crypt at midnight and wrap my rotting hands round your filthy lying throat and you won't be able to do a thing about it cause HEY! I'M ALREADY DEAD! Go on call the cops call them whatever you like I certainly do and have you ever seen KNIVES KNIVES KNIVES a sky of knives and the worlds going to die the whole worlds going to die I myself am in the final stages of a horrible illness and will croak before the rest of the world and none of you NONE OF YOU and that means you too as well as U2 will know that I was responsible SKY OF KNIVES sucker.

Chapter Two: Basic Skills of Webmastery

DAMMIT wheres a truck full of polenta when you need it I'm getting pretty tired of this sleep deprivation experiment and plus and also definitely older. AM I OLDER? IS MY SKIN FALLING OFF? Once I visited the Falklands it was before the war everything was so nice I said Harold I said Harold we must do this again but then the SKY OF KNIVES and whooooooooooooooooooooooooAG AG AG AG AG AG

Chapter Three: The Importance of Productive - and Positive - Interaction with Customers

AG AG AG AG AG AG ooooooooooooo oh god make it stop this is killing me this slow rhythmic sledgehammer blow to my skull it really hurts oh lordy lord please I beg I swear I'll give up sweets and setting fires once I dug a hole to China and all she could say was you jackass you ruined my lawn I'll never make that miss steak again I am very, very, very, very outraged by redundancy but I'll get them back when that polenta gets here. Curdling monkeys run this show. Did you ever get that feeling like theres a man who lives in your gums and every night he rots a little of your gums away and someday youre going to wake up and he'll be there in your bedroom reconsitituting himself out of the bits of gumflesh he's rotted away over the years and gluing himself together with a blowtorch and when he's done he opens his mouth and smiles It's just a dream but when you wake up he is there again, holding you down and his open mouth is bigger than your head his mouth is so big so big and his teeth are like a sky of knives You can't escape disease.

Chapter Four: Conclusion

If you have any questions about anything in this training manual, please consult your supervisor.

As you might imagine I had some questions, so I went to see my supervisor, The Man.

"That manual you guys gave me didn't make any sense at all. Whoever wrote it was deranged."

"What manual?" said The Man.

"The training manual that the carny gave me when I won the webmaster job at the penny carnival."

"We don't have any training manuals," he said. "You must be imagining the whole thing."

Obviously he was going to be of no help. I stormed out of the room. Determined to get some help, I went back to the site of the penny carnival, but they'd blown out of town by that point. Damn tornadoes.

Curiously enough, shortly after that conversation I lost the Manual permanently. But I can still remember it, word for word.

So in closing, I'm just doing my best to fulfill the expectations that come with this job, despite a lack of documentation and no support from my supervisor or the company itself. It's not in my nature to be mean or vituperative. Before I got this job I spent all my free time in church and was a nice boy. Admittedly I was mostly there because sometimes they have funerals and if you're quick you can scarf some nice clothes off the stiff before anyone has time to react, but that's not important right now. Every so often I take a break from my constant updating of every page on the Bungie websites and spend the next several months as a fixture on the local funeral scene. I still have to visit penny carnivals for my meals, but now I arrive dressed as a foppish dandy. Chicks love that.

After having an extended conversation with the disembodied soul, I have not only deduced that it is merely a rules based Perl script, but that it is an -blam!- too! It said that it had sex with my mom! Now my feelings are all hurt. You should get that thing straightened out; it has no scruples..

Alex Gilbert

Alex-

Obviously not, if it had sex with your mom.

so, any word on them bungie license plates yet?

by the by, i dunno if this is a tv program we are importing from the states (most likely), but up here in canada (heh), there is this program called dark angel. as i'm watching one of the commercials for it, it's talking about "secret agent", "female", "doesn't know her past", "fighting against a huge mega corporation", "trained with guns and martial arts", and on and on. sounded pretty familiar. i don't suppose you guys in any way went to James Cameron and said "please do a tv show about Oni", huh? maybe he just decided to rip off your game.

dave

Dave-

No Bungie license plates yet. Apparently the number of Bungie fans running the license plate machines in federal prisons is much smaller than we expected.

As for James Cameron ripping off Oni, I'm shocked at the very suggestion. He hasn't done that sort of thing since he ripped off those Outer Limits episodes written by Harlan Ellison for the first Terminator movie. Give the man some credit.

If you got this email you're lucky(don't delete).
You have just won a 100 dollars!.......
You will only get the money if you send this to 5 or more
people. A box will appear on the screen after you
have sent it! It really works.... try it! Take 5 min. out of your
time and send this...believe me you won't be sorry!!

0-2 people: $10
2-4 people: $20
4-6 people: $50
6-8 people: $75
8-10 people: $100!!!!!!!!

Wesley Wright

Wesley-

Promises of money haven't interested me since I got this webmaster job and found out what real power is. I'm sure this letter has already brought millions to you and your friends, and that's good because you'll need to pay a full-time staff of well-trained bodyguards when Bungie assumes control of the planet and gets revenge for all the spam we've had to endure.

Hello,

I desire to participate in the various test that will take place for "Halo"
These test squeezed a big aucasion to be able to participate in the project, as well as to allow to your team of correct the bugs and to be able to give various critics on the versions.

I carry a special interest to the videos-games and I pass there the biggest part of my time to play action games such that Quake 3, UnrealTournament, etc.. in single-players and multiplayers.
I have already to participate in various projects of test on many games and that brought a lot of plésire for me...

In the awaits of a response, I address my better greetings for you

Nicolas Chabbey

Nicolas-

"Squeezed a big aucasion"? Perhaps you mean "squeezed off a big Caucasian," which is what happens in the bathroom about six hours after you eat an entire pallet of rice cakes. In which case we are not in need of your services at this time.

Hi! I´m going to write this letter in swedish, OK?

Hej ditt feta as vafan skulle ni assimileras av pyttemjuk för? jag blev
ju fan förbannad när ni gjorde ert första spel till windows. när jag
vart så snäll och köpt alla! av era spel som kommigt till sverige!

thx

Olle Strandman,

Olle-

We used to have a Swede on-staff to answer questions like this, but he fell out with the local gang 'round our old offices and was forced to flee the country. I was forced to resort to my second choice, Doug Zartman. Doug's a very well-spoken young man, and I figured he must be fluent in Swedish what with all those funny videotapes he used to order from that region. So I sent him your letter and asked him to craft an appropriate response, knowing he would do so with the intelligence and charm that infuse everything he writes. Here it is:

"Bork bork bork bork bork, borski bork bork, floogen hoogen, borkski bork bork floogen bork."

Webmaster-

This letter was not composed to make it into the next "Letters to the Webmaster" update, so don't feel any obligation to post it. This is solely encouragement for you and your fine company. I know that praise is odd for you at times, but bear with me. I think praise is only strange to you because you are intelligent enough to doubt everything and be cynical.
That's cool.

When I first heard of Microsoft's acquisition of Bungie, I was kind of sad. I do not have a very high opinion of much of Microsoft and their business practices, but unlike many Mac users, I realize that few things are purely "good" or "evil" (I use quotes because these words sound odd when used in the context of businesses). For example, last time I checked, the Microsoft Mac Business Unit makes some really good Mac software and Microsoft has a huge Mac development team.

To mourn the loss of Bungie's amazing impact on the Mac ecosystem, I went to the Bungie store and bought the Marathon Trilogy. I already have all three, and the Action Sack, but I wanted to see the cool book I heard so much about. Good work indeed.

Anyway, after I reflected and actually read Bungie's comments and FAQs abou the acquisition I realized that Bungie did this to get stronger while sticking to their vision. I can see no way that this is detestable. It was a smart move and I congratulate you.

Oni is still coming to the Mac. Halo is still coming to the Mac. Bungie has more resources available to keep making ever-improving games thanks to the acquisition. Why is everyone complaining.

I'm as avid a Mac user as you will find. I go to MacWorld, and if I can't make it, I watch the webcast. I but new Macs as often as possible (currently have a G4MP and an iBook). I even have a fanatically need to believe/agree with anything Steve Jobs says. But I still think for myself (mostly) and through a little thought I have been freed from the bondage of anger towards Bungie.

This letter comes very late, but I did not feel compelled to write it until I read how many people wrote 5 sentences of awful construction to make you feel bad. You rock and your company rocks. I, like most Mac users, will continue to support you and buy your games.

Michael McHargue

Michael-

You're an example to us all. Well, to the people who aren't as nice and intelligent as you are, anyway.

Who said the Bungie Webmaster isn't nice to people?

Why does Bungie.com keep appearing in the blank address line when I am on the internet?

Is there any way to rid myself of this insipid, sophomoric web page?

Thank you,

Delmar H. Knudson, M.D.

Delmar-

There sure is. Unfortunately I don't do web browser tech support, so I can't help you. Alas.

I am intrested in doing a jump could you please tell me where to go in or around the state of Maryland.

Thank you

Chrissy

Chrissy-

Don't jump! You've got so much to live for! Theoretically speaking. I mean, I don't know you. You could be leading a very empty life. But suicide is never the answer, unless the question is "What is a seven-letter word for killing yourself?" In closing, skydiving is cooler anyway, and probably a more spectacular way to go if anything goes wrong.

Whatever happened to your rants and soapbox postings?
It's been a long time since I've been online and I miss all the strange comments, insights and what not.

Anthony Finfrock

Anthony-

I hear there's a new one on the way, but then I first heard that something like two years ago. Probably Matt prating on about how much his life sucks. At least he's honest.

I have played Myth and all of the Marathons. My friend and I used to play multiplayer Marathon over his small network at his house. That game kicked ass. But, I have not played a Bungie game for a while. I was looking around on the website, and you are quite amusing. I love the smart-ass (yet witty) comments you give everyone. If at all possible, could you givev me some smart-ass comment to make me feel like I actually wrote you something useful?
have a great day.

Tyler K Moore

Tyler-

No.

WE'VE DONE IT... Here's how:

First of all, I'm a senior at Mercer Island High School, (If you guys aren't oriented quite yet, MI is about 10 minutes east of Seattle) and quite frankly I don't like it at all... The people are all conformist and yuppy and spawned from rabid weasel-monkies somewhere, but that's for another time. At Mercer Island High (ack! preppy people!) something like 8 freshmen are being followed around by camera crews, in some sort of 'reality tv' show. (Don't even get me started on the concept of 'reality tv') I, frankly, just planned on avoiding the cameras and letting them go on their business, only confronting them when they caught me on tape. But then something sparked my memory, you guys wanted more 'representation' in the media. So I rechecked your letters page, and sure enough, there it was. So the next day I began trying to sneak "frog blast the vent core" into their clips. I pass at least one camera person a day, and I try to do different things every time I pass. (Whispering, screaming, holding up little signs, etc.) but I'm running out of ideas... maybe I can get an interview. Anyways, that's my story, it won't be mass media (It only shows in Dallas, or Denver... I can't exactly remember. I must admit I wasn't paying attention to them) but it'll be media. And even if they cut it all out in the end, I'll still have tried. Hey, maybe you or someone could stop by and try to make your own appearence, think of the possibilities...

Anyways, please reply and tell me your opinion... should I continue my quest? (Actually... your quest....) do you have any advice... Is their anything else you'd like me to try and sneak in? Any bungie paraphenalia? The bounds are nearly endless!

Thanks,

Phill Spiess

Phill-

First off, thanks for being the first and so far only person to take this quest seriously. I hope all you SLACKERS out there are taking note of Phill's efforts.

Secondly, Yes, by all means continue. There is no "reality TV" show that could not benefit from a healthy dose of surreality. Think about it: wouldn't "COPS" be much more interesting if the drunken, wife-beating rednecks on display slurred "frog blast THE VENT CORE!" during the process of resisting arrest? Wouldn't you watch "World's Greatest Car Chases" just a little more closely if the fugitive car had a frog blast THE VENT CORE bumper sticker on display? Wouldn't "When Animals Attack" captivate you if it featured footage of a hog actually blasting the vent core? This isn't just a crass guerrilla marketing tactic; this is a chance for you to improve popular culture just a tiny bit, which is more than most people do their entire lives. It won't make up for N'SYNC, but it's a start.

Unfortunately, laws in every state prohibit me from getting closer than 5 miles from any institute of learning. I am appealing this decision on the grounds that little if any learning is actually taking place in American schools these days, but until justice is served I will not be able to make any personal appearances at your high school. But I'm sure you'll be able to compensate for my absence by using your own creativity.

Remember, folks: anyone who gets "frog blast the vent core" into popular media gets some cool Bungie swag from your old pal the Webmaster.

Hey webbie,

Now that you work for MS, i was wondering if you could answer some 'deep' questions.

1) If you make a Joke at Bill Gates' expence, does he laugh it off in a friendly manner or does he have security attach electrodes to your testicles?

2) How does the buyout affect Bungie's plans for world domination? Do you plan to just be on the winning team? Or will there be a bloody/bloodless coup for control of microsoft placing A.S. back in the captians chair?

3) Do you get any lingere models to wait on you hand and foot? Or is that only reserved for the Man himself?

4) Now that Bungie has even more money to throw around, will you kind folks consider giving me a job as 'bathroom attendant'?

thanks for listening,

Krassos

Krassos-

1. Attaching electrodes to my testicles is impossible now that I own buzzsaw underpants of the sort popularized by Blackie Lawless of the band W.A.S.P. And none of the Microsoft brass come near me since I started wearing them to the office, so opportunities to display my sparkling wit to management are few and far between.

2. One of the things you learn when waging a campaign to take over the world is the importance of subterfuge. Often one must feign weakness or passivity to lull opponents into a false sense of security. Once their trust has been gained, one can exploit them for all they are worth before discarding the useless husks of what they used to be. The phrase "I don't think we need to worry about Bungie" has been uttered often enough in the last nine years that it has officially entered the canon of Famous Last Words.

3. Peter Tamte took the Bungie Lingere Stash (including the notorious Ling-Ling G-String) with him when he left the company this summer. At the time it seemed like a good deal since he took it in lieu of pay, but now our consciences are beginning to nag at us. Peter was never quite the same after he saw that picture of Chucky's bare arse.

4. You know, I'm pretty sure the job is open if you want it. Towards the end of the day the men's room on the floor we share with the Encarta people starts to smell awful, and some sort of fluid darkens the carpet two or three feet past the door. I may be a drunken reprobate but I stay sober enough to aim during business hours.

Now that you've relocated to the Redmond area, has the Bungie team "Met the Man" at Dixie's BBQ? Were there any survivors?

Baugi the Flatulent

Baugi-

I have heard tell of this Dixie's BBQ, but have not dined there yet. The only way we'd have to worry about not surviving would be if Dixie's is even worse than the rest of the uniformly awful food in the Puget Sound region.

The answer to the universe.

http://www.kirsten.com

Terry Simons

Terry-

Nice try, but there's only one dog head that matters.

Just read the latest (8/30) Letters to the Webmaster...

Glad to see that (as Stuart and I promised) nothing's changed. You're as bitter and twisted as ever.

Jon Kimmich

Jon-

This sort of flattery is obviously what allowed you to climb the corporate ladder at Microsoft (well, flattery and "buns of steel," if men's room graffiti is to be believed) but it won't work on me. And when you say "Nothing's changed"...well, that's the problem, isn't it? I've been here three months and have yet to get the custom chair I've requested (the one built to accommodate my buzzsaw underpants) despite numerous written requests. Damn bureaucracy.

He man,

I like your writing style.
Even I as a German can laugh about it.
It looks like my age (41) helps me to understand the microsoft aquisition better. I think it is a good idea to get money to continue the work you believe in.

What really annoys me is the fact, that a lot of young people take gaming, what should be fun, very serious. You can get the feeling that they would start a war about an issue.
This is why I appreciate your style.

I hope you never get hit by one of this people who feld hit by you, like the editor of a gaming magazine in South Africa who wrote a critical articale about Deus Ex.

BTW gamestar here in Germany has generated a high visibility for HALO. I will defenitly buy it when it's out.

Oliver

Oliver-

Anyone who addresses me as "He Man" is okay in my book. And thank you for the compliments on my writing style. It's good to know the Germans can understand my ramblings when so many of my own countrymen cannot.

This is probably the best letters section so far. Much better than your last one. I'd say at least half a dozen of your answers are on the road to classicdom. My criteron is that a classic will be quoted frequently on the various message boards frequented by Bungie fans. Last time, your only classic lines were "balls of brass" and the responce to the guy who wondered why Fetch didn't have knockers.

BTW, the letter-writer was sort of right about FAQ. Last I checked, the preferred pronunciation was ef-ay-kyu, though fak is an acceptable variant. Perhaps Bungie should write all their web pages phoenetically in the future. It would greatly reduce this sort of confusion.

Dan Rudolph

Dan-

Nonsense. I'm sure our friends in Germany would agree with me that the efficient single-syllable pronunciation is best.

Personally I'm hoping for "squeeze off a big Caucasian" to catch on.

when would halo be coming out?

Ethan Lobdell

Ethan-

When it would be done.

Judging by the amount of time it took Oni to get into it's development stages, and considering it's antiquated engine, then by my calculations, Halo will come out in...lets see....carry the two....13.6 years. Sound right?

Sean Coll

Sean-

Not in the slightest. Give us a buzz in 13.6 years when you are 18 years old and capable of basic math.

Hi there,

I just wanted to say THANK YOU for bringing Halo to the Mac.

Here in Germany, Mac-systems aren't very commen so support is poor and prices high. But then I've read a article about Halo in a German Macmagazin an was amazed that duch a great-looking game will find its way to the Mac...

You sure understand that hearing about that "Microsoft-thing" and this "X-Box : Yes , other systems : not sure" really disappointed me.

So again: thank you for showing some loyalty to the Mac and bringing Halo for the better system :-)

(Sorry for my english, haven't much time to improve my skills)

SeeYa

Patrick Peters

Patrick-

This is quickly becoming the special German edition of the Letters page. What's up with that?

Anyway, thanks for the kind words. And don't worry about your English: compared to most of the people who write me, you're Shakespeare.

Hello there.

This is Reven speaking. I have a question for you: Is Halo coming to the PC or is it only to be released for the X-Box? I bet you you're not gonna answer that one, huh? But here's something you might want to know: I've just managed to gather 147 signatures of people who will join me in my fight against Microsoft if Halo isn't released for the PC. We will use our entire lives to destroy the f****** Microsoft company, and if necessary we will have to use violent methods. Perhaps even lethal methods.... Choose wise, gentlemen: Release Halo on both consoles (PC and X-Box). Okay, so this message is a little bit exaggerated, but please: I'll kill myself if I don't get to play what looks like the best game ever. And there's nothing in the world that can make me buy the X-Box. Not even Halo. But if Halo reaches the PC, I'll buy it as fast as I can. And that's actually a little bit out of the ordinary too. You see, I usually get games cracked. But those really terrific games, such as Half-Life and Halo, I prefer to purchase legally. I've actually purchased Myth 2 too, you know. I'm not alone when it comes to my wishes on the PC-release. All my friends share the same opinion.

Reven out.

Reven

Reven-

First you threaten to use "lethal methods" against us. Then you threaten to kill yourself. This tends to undermine the rest of your argument.

Lucky for you, Halo will ship on Macs and PCs, and we don't discriminate against the criminally insane (what hypocrites we would be) so you will be free to purchase it in your local shop, assuming you are not institutionalized when Halo ships.

This has nothing to concern FAQs

I was a Mac user until it went POOP! After a long decision, my parents bought me a pc.all my Mac games were useless.I sold them to a 2nd hand shop.

Recently i've seen Marathon Infinity and I'm very excited about it.An avid supporter of the series , it appears that there are no pc demos for the game.I would love to continue supporting the series in any other way.

My mom and dad does no want to buy another mac .So ,therefore I'm appealing to you to have a demo of Marathon Infinity ASAP.(NAPLAM UNITS ARE NICE!!:)

John Chan

John-

Ah yes. Rather than forcing you to spend a couple thousand dollars on a new computer, it's a much better idea for us to spend tens of thousands of dollars and several months of development time to bring the Marathon Infinity demo to the PC. I can't believe such an obvious solution eluded us for so long.

Well, I guess that's it for this edition of Letters to the Webmaster. Nothing else to discuss... except perhaps

THE WINNERS IN THE BUNGIE WEBMASTER'S POETRY SLAM AND HOOTENANNY!

There were many entries in the Poetry category (much to my chagrin) but only two in the music category. The anxiously-anticipated recording of Ringo Starr and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing "The Webmaster Stomp" failed to materialize. I kept extending the deadline but it never showed up. Thanks for nothing, Ringo. "The friendly Beatle" my ass.

Anyway, let's get the songs out of the way, shall we? They were the toughest to decide.

First prize (one boxed copy of Oni on his platform of choice, autographed by the development team) goes to Carsten Hoefer for his song "Traitor". With it's repeated use of Doug Zartman's girlish scream and a vocal track entirely in German, this charming ditty stole my heart. Carsten says "The story's about a guy who after an alien invasion feels called upon by some higher entity to save the world. A typical alpha male, he promptly grabs his guns and sets out to liberate his fellow humans. But as he's just about to accomplish this noble task, some spray bullets of his hit some unsuspecting bystanders. Fickle humanity turns against him and the guy gets killed in the end. Alien victory is ensured." If that's not the feel-good hit of the year, what is?

Coming in a very close second, and thus winning Second Prize (one free CD of Metal Machine Music by Lou Reed - an hour-long burst of grating feedback which is one of the Bungie Webmaster's Desert Island Discs - and one "Early Times" CD by ex-Bungie soul man David Joost's band The Wild Hell Dogs) is Chris Pruett with his tender ballad "That Bastard". Perhaps the first song to celebrate my brilliant achievements in webmastery, "That Bastard" moves with the slow, malicious atmosphere that characterizes Letters page updates. The insulting lyrics are the icing on the cake, and frankly, if Chris sang this one in German he'd have walked away with first prize.

Now we come to the poetry, perhaps the most justly maligned art form. These entries will do nothing to change that.

First prize (one boxed copy of Oni on his platform of choice, autographed by the development team) goes to Andrew Champion's "Ode to the Bungie Webmaster." Andrew's poem manages to rhyme, even in 1337-speak, and conveys something of the grandeur and majesty in my day-to-day life. Yes, it really is that bad.

Ode to the Bungie Webmaster

Where darkened halls a campus form,
While Bill his -blam!- browsing does perform,
Types a webmaster, unlike norm,
For he is The Bungie Webmaster (tm), his fingers in storm.

"w3bm4st3r: halo wil sux" reads the first line;
Reply: "You confused NSync.com's URL with mine."
So he upon the AOLer's ignorance does dine
With a liberal dose of sarcasm as wine.

But could the next demand be worse still?
"k1|| b1||, 0r 1 w1|| |_|z3 [V]y |-|@x0r sk1||!"
In this response he seeks no great thrill,
"Weren't you my Turkish cellmate, Will?"

So on through tedious mail does he tread,
Yet so brave is he "You've got mail!" brings no dread,
For he crushes all with fingers of lead;
No thought of mercy rest in his head.

And this poem will he regard a bore
To be filed away in /dev/null with more,
But always I can hear his triumphant voice roar:
"frog blast THE VENT CORE!"

Second prize (one copy of Poetry for Dummies - to be published in January) goes to Dylan Consla for "An Elegy for PID." Dylan went out on a metric limb with this one: "Remember how you said you'd like a change of pace, such as iambic pentameter or free verse? Well, I decided to take that one step further and use the meter of Latin love elegy: alternating dactylic hexameter and pentameter lines (the pentameter is split into two two-and-a-half foot sections). It even has the correct pattern of Dactyls and spondees as feet.... using the Latin scansion rules on English words, so of course it doesn't really work." Well Dylan, now you see what happens when you break the rules.

An Elegy to PID
I wish I had a Macintosh for I would like to test PID,
But I, poor fool bought, not knowing tru7h before me,
windows. Now windows is sufficient for many good games,
But I think of PID, and hate it till closure comes.

Third and final prize goes to Nicholas Yu for an untitled Haiku. He sent in several, but this is the best of the bunch - which really says something. We certainly hope he enjoys his Third Prize: a roll of toilet paper featuring the text of his poem.

I face ridicule
From the Bungie Webmaster.
Please get off my mom.

All you winners, be sure to send me an email at webmaster@bungie.com so we can work out the details of sending out your prizes.