The Webmaster, fabled "helper" from Bungie of old, has returned. Only a year between this episode and the last. Note to new Bungie.net readers: The Webmaster is a cantankerous, beer-addled misfit who wears a gorilla suit and expecting sensible, polite answers from him is akin to gouging out your own eyes with frozen carrots. If you are easily offended, or frankly, if you are difficult to offend, then you should consider leaving now. If you wish, for some bizarre reason to email him, then he can be contacted at: webmaster@bungie.com.

Hey Webbie,

I guess you guys found the bomb, that's why you moved. Isn't it? If you guys would have just stayed around for another three days, we all would have had a good laugh. Oh well, I guess I have to track you down again. This time you won't be so lucky.

One more thing, if you can answer me these questions three I won't tell my sniper who is currently got his gun traind right on your fluffy bunny atop your monitor. Get the questions right and fluffy won't spill his fluffyness all over your desk.

1.Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
2.Why do women have a PAIR of panties and only ONE bra?
3.And finally, how can Red Robin and Chili's serve chicken fingers if chickens don't have hands?

evil

Evil-

No, we didn't find the bomb. But you didn't find our office either. Thanks for removing our old landlord; it made the process of getting out of our old lease SO much easier.

Now you know what they say: "Ask the Bungie Webmaster a stupid question, and get an equally inane yet clearly condescending response." So here are my thoughts on your questions:

1. There is no reason vegetarians cannot eat animal crackers. They are simply cookies with no actual animal content. You see how this works, don't you? Rather than congratulating you for such a clever use of ironic juxtaposition, I choose to believe you asked a serious question out of real ignorance. This makes answering them easier and more entertaining.

2. Why would you ever need to know?

At any rate, these are the sorts of questions that a confused young lad should be asking his mother. I took the liberty of asking her for you. Her answer was both illuminating and spiritually liberating.

3. You take things so literally. "Chicken fingers" are de-boned human fingers which lost a game of "chicken" with a meat cleaver. This dish was invented in the Mafia kitchens of Chicago, but soon became a national favorite.

Aren't you glad you asked?

know what, why have people killed presidents, movie stars, and student(teachers), but still know one has got to kill, or try to kill Hanson, and the Spice Girls, they are the only ones that seem to be realy anoying the êïù³*‚¡ out of every one.

once again
James Dolan

James-

Not that I have any great love for the Spice Girls or Hanson, but you're kidding yourself if you think presidents, movie stars and teachers aren't doing their bit to push the budding psychotics in this nation over the edge. Just ask Jodie Foster.

Personally, I tend to fall asleep with the words "See you in Hell, Grover Cleveland!" on my trembling lips. Not unlike many other Americans.

I have never respected video games due to the low level of intelligence required to play. But Myth moved me. and it6 looks like Myth II will go even farther. You guys ROCK!

Lance Williams

Lance-

I have never respected letters from Netcom subscribers due to the low level of intelligence required to sign up with that service. But your letter moved me, and it looks like future letters from Netcom might be devoid of poorly-worded comments that damn our life's work with faint praise. You ROCK!

Hey, WebMaster, How Come you always have these %$^#&*# letters, and there &^%$#*& always so ^&%$#@& rude! Why the Mother *&^%$@# hell don't you mother^&%$#@% sons of ^&%$#@ stop the Mother ^%$&*&^ cussing and ^%&$#*& rudeness? I think you mother &^%*^%$ should be burned at the ^&%$#*& stake! Ha!

Tactics%^$&*^%122

Tactics-

I deliver the goods that people want to receive. A regular Robin Hood, I am. A living saint. Third-world countries put my likeness on stamps. Apple's putting me in a 'Think Different' ad. (I'm the guy in the gorilla suit and the big foam cowboy hat, flying over Princess Di's funeral with a jetpack.)

Where was I going with this? I can't quite remember. But the question was equally pointless so we haven't really lost anything. Next!

I was just wondering, how old are you Mr. Smug Webmaster Pissant?

And also, when you die, can I be the Webmaster?

Also, why the hell are you making an adult oriented game. This will kill your reputation with the parental types, but, maybe you want to stick with your Myth thing of being the most violent. Maybe you also want to be known as the nastiest game producer.

Also, how is it that you produce games like Myth which are ultra-violent, but then you say it is wrong to burn children from the third world. Now, I don't condone the burning of poor starving helpless third world children, but that is hypocritical.

Anyway, I hope that Bungie continues to produce pictures of legless cows stumbling through mud in a wierd, twisted pantomime.

Ozymandias

Ozzy-

Saw you at the Ozzfest this weekend. Love your nails.

My real age is irrelevant. All that's important for you to know is that I've aged fifty years since taking this job, and at least ten of those years were the direct result of reading your letter.

It is generally considered rude to ask someone if you can have their job when they die. According to a Miss Manners column I read on the subject, the proper response would be to kill you so that the question never comes up again.

We are not making an adult title. That was another of Matt's incredibly stupid jokes. One of these days I'm going to pull the Ethernet cable out of his PC and wrap it around his neck.

There is a palpable difference between playing a violent video game and burning a child. If you don't believe me, go out to your backyard next time your folks host a barbecue and jump in your dad's grill.

How can you people who make such a wonderful contrabution to the training of future military leaders waste your time discussing foolish things with small children? I am disgusted by the complete lack of intelligence displayed by people who claim to think Myth is such a wonderul game when they lack the intelligence to pass the first level.

Oh, and by the way... who would win in a fight Balor or the cast of Cheers?

DthMastr

Deathmaster-

Now, now. The first thing we learn on the Internet is that we don't insult other people's intelligence without spellchecking our flame mail first.

Balor?!? You must be joking. The cast of Cheers couldn't even handle a single Thrall.

Boy, it's fun to think about the wholesale slaughter of sitcom actors. Thanks.

You guys suck, and I hate you. But that's OK, because you're cool. Oh, and I feel obligated to insert the apparently ritualistic whining about how "You never publish my letters." And those strange, misguided people who didn't like your extremely graphic, though accurate, depiction of the Pfhor mating ritual should all have Molotov Cocktails shoved into various bodily orifices and be thrown off... well, something high... like a Trow.

Anyway, you're a man of my own heart, Mr. Webmaster. Strange, twisted, cynical, and a stickler for grammar and spelling. No offense. Keep up the good work, or I'll do something. For once. Au reservoir and other such happy partings. Until I decide to move my lazy backside and write something again.

The oh-so-great and wonderful PhReaKy MoNKeY

Monkey-

Hey man, long time! What's up with you? Not much here. Jeane and I just moved into one of those manufactured homes. She was pushing for this big old Victorian deal, but I took one look at the price tag and knew it wasn't going to work. This webmaster gig isn't exactly the cash cow I thought it would be, but my parole officer says it's the healthiest thing he's ever heard of, and last time I argued with him I got eight weeks in the Hole. So anyway, I said to Jeane, "Baby, I want a home that's as flimsy and fabricated as our relationship." She's a kidder, Jeane. Likes jokes like that. She didn't actually laugh out loud. The laughter was in her eyes. You notice things like that when you've been together as many weeks as we have.

Anyway, like I said, not much going on here. Jeane keeps saying she wants to meet people in our new neighborhood, but I'm not much of a social butterfly so I try to avoid that stuff. I had this great plan to bring the neighbors over by spraying their kids with the garden hose. I managed to knock one of them off his bike while he was riding past, and when I saw his parents come running I thought Jeane would be thrilled. But all they would talk about was how their kid lost an eye when he fell on the fire hydrant, and Jeane didn't talk to me for days. Women!

Well, I certainly can go on about myself. Glad to hear you're doing well. Jeane sends her love to Kim and the kids, and we both hope that twelve-step thing is working out for the two of you. Keep in touch.

I just wanted to comment on how appropriately you have named the sequel to your popular game Myth. "Soulblighter" is the perfect title for this game, as I believe the effect it has on someone who plays it for an extended period is to blight ones soul. It's like calling a pack of cigarettes "Lung Wreckers". Please don't mistake me for a religious fanatic, I criticizes with a concern for adolescent mental health and social responsibility. I will not elaborate on the negative effects I believe this game to have on young minds, just hanging around bungie.net a while should give some small indication of that. Just as tobacco companies will continue to feed the needs of smokers despite the effects on their health, I'm sure Bungie will continue to develop violent games, praying on the worst of our human drives. I know that it's all about money, so you should not be so flagrantly callus and arrogant as to call your new game "Soulblighter" as you might end up paying taxes like the tobacco and liquor industries.

[Name and email address withheld because even though the Bungie Webmaster is a soul-blighting corporate greedhead, he's too compassionate to subject this person to the flames he so richly deserves]

Dear Name Withheld-

What's that acrid stench? Looks like someone threw a cow patty and it splattered right on my Letters page.

I must admit that sometimes I get a little tired of answering these letters. And then someone like you writes in and reminds me of why I do this.

Where to begin? How about with your pompous assertion that we are socially irresponsible to publish computer games? Why do you assume that the people who play our games are children? Our data (the stuff you collect when you RESEARCH an issue) shows that most of the people who play our games fall squarely into the 18 to 34 demographic. In other words, they're adults, at least in the eyes of the law. I suspect many of them would tell you to go to hell if you told them that playing Myth has deleterious effects on American society. But then, we've already blighted their souls, so they'll say anything we want them to, right?

The under-18 contingent of Myth players are the sole responsibility of their parents. It is not our duty or our right to do their parents' job for them by trying to make a game that no parent could object to. It is a parent's job to equip their children with judgement, common sense and the ability to differentiate between fantasy and reality. We can't be parents to every kid in the world, but we're not going to discriminate against all of them just because a relative few aren't quite up to speed. You might not believe this, but most of the kids on bungie.net are friendly members of the community who are just out to have a good time. For someone so overwhelmingly concerned for adolescent mental health, you sure don't let reality get in the way of an opportunity to whine. It's so much easier to ignore the real problem and say "Bungie's violent games are ruining young minds." So much easier to point fingers at a scapegoat than to take responsibility for your own kids.

I'm glad you didn't try to elaborate on the negative effects of our game. I don't think you can. I think your argument is based more on your own need to feel morally superior to other people than out of any desire to fix any perceived problem. You enjoy the way your voice sounds when you tell other people they're destroying society. If you act pompous enough you can sort of pretend that all that hot air is some kind of Great Truth instead of your simple, uninformed opinion.

Yes, there are people who say stupid and abusive things on bungie.net. Welcome to the Internet. Do you really think those people were Rhodes Scholars who spent their free time working in soup kitchens before they saw Myth? We don't like people saying stupid and abusive things on bungie.net any more than you do - in fact, we probably like it even less - but we don't respond by just sitting around clucking our tongues in disdain.

I'm not even going to respond to the tobacco industry comparison. It is so blindingly stupid that I simply refuse to take it seriously.

Just for you, we're developing a special new nonviolent game; look for it in stores if you ever leave your ivory tower. It's called "PURITAN: Adventures In Self-Righteousness." The goal is to sit on your ass surfing the net looking for people who are having more fun than you are, and then sending them emails that read "You are a blight upon society." Maybe you can design a level or something.

The scent of bovine excrement seems to have been replaced by a whiff of smoke. Don't worry, it's just my burning hatred of everything you stand for. Have a nice day.

Not that you care about my opinion, but I really think that the new letters page could have been a lot better what with 6 months to work on it. I didn't laugh out loud once.

Disappointed,

Finn Smith

Finn-

The issue here is one of perception...and as we all know from reading Descartes, we cannot necessarily trust our perceptions of the world around us. You perceive the last edition of the Letters page as being less funny than previous editions, when in reality it was just as funny. The real problem is that your sense of humor is degrading. (Don't believe me? Look at the letter you sent. I didn't laugh out loud once.)

But don't fret! A sense of humor can be revived with the right kind of care. Print out the following list and tape it up someplace where you'll see it every day. Meditate on these phrases whenever the opportunity presents itself, and you should be laughing like an idiot in no time:

President Bootsy Collins
Amish Coke Dealers
"Two Weeks"
MC Hammer
People Who Speak In Klingon
Beef Stick
"I Criticizes With A Concern For Adolescent Mental Health And Social Responsibility."
Rational Usenet Discussion
The Dog From The Taco Bell Commercials Nailed To A Tree With A Railroad Spike

Get well soon.

When you were exsiled for six mounths what where your your travils you did in the six mounths that you gone?

>From Jeff Heller

Jeff-

I'm so glad someone finally took the bait on that one. I am writing up a chronicle of my adventures and hope to post it soon.

Webmaster:
I was checking out the bungie website today when I thought back to the site of even six monthes ago, the rustic, fun feeling it used to have. Sure, it still has some of that feeling contained within the bungie soapbox, letters to the webmaster, and the webcam, but much of the rest has changed. For instance, the 5 year history of bungie used to be this little thing about you guys making a game then making a bigger game then making a game that rocked the other two. Now its a serious history. The websites all clean and corporate looking now...not the rustic, psychotic feel it used to have. Course, you guys are still crazy, but I think all this success has gotten to your heads. Your starting to forget your roots, and though many say that a corporate feel is probably better, I don't believe they are right. You guys are a high flying company (your mental state, I mean ;-), but your moving more towards the boring, every day corporation. Remember your roots, and stick to them. Continue with your plans to take over the world, but for gods sakes, don't become just another company. (esp in the way that most do- by delaying mac games. You are the premier mac gaming company- don't lose it.)
Daniel Hamad

Daniel-

I've never heard a website described as "rustic" before. Most people wouldn't consider "rustic, psychotic" a compliment, but I am not most people so thanks.

We like the way the website looks now, and so does almost everyone else. Remember that the website is just a conduit for information. The fact that it's more "professional" looking now shouldn't scare you. I assure you that Bungie is still the most wildly unprofessional company in the business. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Maybe we can bring back the rustic feel by selling honey-baked hams in the Bungie Store.

Is there Finnish people in Bungie? I saw the credits and there was Marcus Lehto!

Crusader

Crusader-

Yes, Marcus is finnish.

"But I just started!" cries Marcus.

I have ask many questions. You answer many questions. Got it!?!?

Question number one: how come you made Myth take place in medieval times? Swords and spears, yuck!!! Now we have nukes and atom bombs!

Question number two: Myth takes place back in medieval times, which I mentioned before. Knights, archers, I'm fine with them but what the hell is with the dwarf? How did he get that bomb technology? Why is he even on the team when he kills the team members that are near the enemies? What does he have to do with medieval times?

Question number three: when you click on someone on the medeival game, Myth, it says a little quote. What is that quote from? What does it have to do with the story? Why am I asking so many questions? (Don't EVEN answer that last one)

Question number four: Why are you so mean? What is your real identity? Are you even human? Answer me!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for listening. Now get to answering the questions! Or I might have to get medieval on your punk ass! (have I said medeival enough in this letter? Don't answer that because I know you are going to use a smart mouth answer!!!)

Ron Pelleg

Ron-

1. Myth does not take place in medieval times. It takes place in a wholly fictional fantasy world. Unless you saw something in your history book about a big problem with the undead during medieval times, in which case I recommend you tell the school nurse to decrease the dosage of whatever it is that you're on.

2. Myth does not take place in medieval times. It takes place in a wholly fictional fantasy world. The dwarf can have whatever technology we choose to give him. He could just as easily have carried a magic turtle that fired Atomizer Eggs out of its nether orifices.

3. Myth does not take place in medieval times. It takes place in a wholly fictional fantasy world. As such it was necessary to write a significant amount of backstory to flesh out the imaginary world. Portions of this backstory were drawn on for the color text that appears when you click a unit.

4. Myth does not take place in medieval times. It takes place in a wholly fictional fantasy world. I am so mean because so many of the letters I receive seem to come from denizens of the same fantasy world.

I want and need Myth 2. Please tell me how and where to get it. Macintosh version, because I want to be different. Thanks.

Bill

Bill-

If you really wanted to be different, you'd be asking for a Timex-Sinclair version. No one's asked for that yet.

Myth II will be available...uh...later. Check the web site on a regular basis and you should know when it comes out.

I'm a longtime fan of Bungie products. I'm writing to you about Myth. If you ask me it kinda sucks compared to your other Bungie games such as the Marathon seires (sweet games. All my friends love them. they want you to make 'em , all 3, for Windows systems). Ijust think that Myth sucks compared to the other games you have.

A longtime fan,
Mike Weacker

P.S. Get over Myth, it's not THAT good!

Mike-

People told me the same thing about your mom. I'm glad I didn't listen.

My parents won't let me buy anything off the internet, including from Bungie, because they think that weirdos will get their credit card number and go charge happy. This is a real bummer because I wanted to get the Marathon trilogy from you. I think that if you put an order form to print off in your store, then poor little people like me could order stuff from you. Please answer at your Webmaster letter site.

Alien Bob

Bob-

Please assure your parents that when they order from the Bungie Store, their credit card information is completely safe. I only give it out to my most trusted friends and associates, and even then we probably won't use it except to call the occasional 900 number.

The order form idea is a good one. I will try to do something about it in my copious spare time. Meanwhile, you can always fill out a piece of paper with a detailed list of what you want, along with your shipping address, email address, and of course payment info, and send it to

Bungie Software Direct Sales
PO Box 7877
Chicago, IL 60680

I've been playing Myth for a while and man their is a lot of stuff copied from other stuff

1. The plot is painfully similar to the plot in War Craft II. (Humanity must join forces with other races to defeat ungodly beasts that have the ability to rase the dead, and have control over their lands)

2. The head hancho of the Fallen Lords, Balor is obviously named after the island below the Tomb of Sargeras from War Craft II.

3. The Berserks are bearded clones of Mel Gibson from Brave heart

4. Last but by no means least the Ghols all have the same physique of Popeye the sailor

Sonofhydra

Sonofhydra-

1. Go to the bookstore and pick up any paperback in the Fantasy section. Notice that your description of Myth's story matches the story description on the back of the book almost word for word. Look at another book, and another. Repeat until you realize that fantasy stories have centered on the theme of humanity versus monsters since time immemorial. Slap yourself and wonder aloud why you were so silly. Purchase a few fantasy books. Announce to the cashier as she rings you up "The Bungie Webmaster said I have to buy these cause I'm a functional illiterate."

2. I am unfamiliar with the island you mentioned, but then I got bored with that game after the third level and stopped playing.

3. Yeah, so?

4. Sounds like you've been hitting a pipe similar to that of Popeye the sailor.

Are there any female employees at Bungie? And is there anyone (expect Mr. Webmaster) with two Y chromosomes?

Your close, personal friend,
Elliott

Elliott-

Yes, there are female employees at Bungie. Allow me to introduce them to you:

Diane - imagine what would happen if Beelzebub and Pippi Longstocking had a kid and you've got a pretty good idea of what Diane is like. Tends to think that men need a few more orifices, and tries to rectify (heh) the situation with disturbing frequency. Keeps an actual riding crop at her desk. Known to trade show organizers as "That Crazy B!@#$ Who's Always Threatening To Kill Someone."

Jenny - A recent addition to the Bungie family, Jenny is already becoming an office favorite. Her charming habit of dropping heavy objects from the windows of our seventh floor offices has endeared her to everyone, including the Chicago Police. Owner of several guns but mysteriously unable to find any of them. Shares a house with two Komodo Dragons and a sentient fungus named Ralph.

Wiley - Honorary Woman, due to his recent occupancy of the Peg at the right hand of the Almighty (Yet Astonishingly Humble) Webmaster. The rumors that he left due to "friction" with some of the people in the office are entirely untrue. We're talking Lincoln Tunnel here, kids.

Paper or Plastic?

JavierM802

Javier-

Huggies.

My friend is convinced that Jack Nicholson does the "casualty" voice--or was until he looked at the credits and didn't see his name.

Does the person who does the voice have any relation or something?

OTTERMAGE

Ottermage-

Wish it were otherwise, but Jack Nicholson had nothing to do with the voices in Myth. In fact, the person in question is about as far from Jack Nicholson as you can get.

That soundtrack CD to Myth ROCKS!!!!! Wow does it KICK ASS. Those music guys are the GREATEST!!!!

Ytram Llennodo

Ytram-

Yes, the music is wonderful. Getting it was like pulling teeth though. One of the sound guys, this guy Marty - nice enough guy for someone with that kind of haircut, but then you start hearing these rumors about what he supposedly did to that tour guide on the roof of the Hancock building, and how when the cops came he was butt naked and grinding up against their legs like a neutered dog and singing "The Safety Dance"....I dunno. Moving closer to his office struck me as a bad idea, but we already know that no one listens to me.

you're on crack

Blair

Blair-

Glad we could get that cleared up.

I have a question for you Bungie Gods and or Goddess. There is this girl that I really REALLY like. I want to ask here out, but... I think that she may be a Pfhor Female!! AhhrrGG!!

What should I do?

Dave Johnston

Dave-

Send us her address, phone number, and a map of the routes she takes to and from school. Our crack team of biologists will take it from there.

Why don't you guys do commercials like Final Fantasy VII, and most playstation games? (besides the cost)

Matthew Nielsen

Matthew-

Cost is the only reason. If owning the airwaves wasn't prohibitively expensive, we'd have done it years ago.

If Indian food is generally 'hot' and good looking women are also referred to as 'hot' is everyone going to eat and stare at your games because they to are 'hot'.

Liam Doughtyra

Liam-

You speak the truth, but you made one major oversight. Like Indian food and women, Bungie's games are often thought of as "hot," but unlike the other two, our games will not empty your wallet, drive you to drink or leave you feeling like you've just had a napalm enema. The benefits, I think, are obvious.

Someone different is now answering the mail at Bungie--viz., the "web master" no longer is the web master. Even if no one else noticed from the responses last time, I noticed. Now--have I infiltrated your headquarters, and actually witnessed someone different slavishly answering asinine emails, in order to confirm this? Well, yes, I have, but really, I could just as certainly have known from the fact that all the replies last time were incredibly lame attempts at being sarcastic/and or humorous, as opposed to sarcastic/and or humorous.

Sorry "web master," if I've hurt your feelings (though I'm positive you'll receive countless other letters just like this one), and sorry web master, you lost your job,

Will Pearce

Will-

Put yourself in my shoes for a second. You're just sitting around one day when someone decides that a Letters to the Webmaster page would add a human (some might even say "rustic") element to the web site, so you have to start answering these letters from complete strangers, and most of them are okay but there are a few that obviously started sniffing glue at a very tender age, and so at some point you make a couple sarcastic comments, and all of a sudden everyone thinks you're adorable and starts sending you nothing but psychotic letters, and you do your best to keep up but after a while your heart just isn't in it anymore, but the letters keep pouring in and people start complaining that you don't update the letters page as often as you should, and you start drinking, just a little at first but soon you're at the point where you walk into a liquor store on your way home from work every night and throw a C-note at the slack-jawed gutbucket behind the counter and saying "Gimme the usual," and walk out with enough liquor to kill three lesser men, and you end up drinking most of it by the time you get home, and you whip the bottles at your landlord's car when he reminds you that rent was due three weeks ago, and you go up the stairs to your tiny garret of an apartment and break down sobbing for the third time that day, and after a while you look at the computer in the corner and realize that it's either write another edition of Letters To The Webmaster or hang yourself, and you cry some more and then sit down in front of the computer and start typing and drinking the rest of the booze, and after a while it's four in the morning and you're breaking an empty Tanqueray bottle over your head just to stay awake, and the sublime ridiculousness of your predicament hits you like a weather balloon filled with the bile of all your enemies, and you laugh and laugh and laugh and eventually you are able to finish the damn thing by telling yourself that existence is utterly meaningless but hurling venom at unsuspecting strangers across the Internet is probably the best way to spend your time until you pass mercifully into sweet oblivion.

So anyway, I work very hard to bring you the finest in the growing field of Webmaster-Answered Letters, and I sincerely hope you appreciate it.

cookie monster rules

samantha clark

Samantha-

I couldn't agree more.