The Webmaster, fabled "helper" from Bungie of old, has returned. Only a year between this episode and the last. Note to new Bungie.net readers: The Webmaster is a cantankerous, beer-addled misfit who wears a gorilla suit and expecting sensible, polite answers from him is akin to gouging out your own eyes with frozen carrots. If you are easily offended, or frankly, if you are difficult to offend, then you should consider leaving now. If you wish, for some bizarre reason to email him, then he can be contacted at: webmaster@bungie.com.

Hey Bungie, I heard that Bungie West is working on a top secret game that will completely obliterate all gaming competition. I also heard that it's a science fiction game.

So, tell me more about this upcoming game or the headless dog will be punished.

And by the way, if you don't update your letters page I'll beat you over the head with chicken guts.

People think I'm wierd, but that's only because I dip my head in cheese dip and run around proclaiming that I'm the Elephant king.

Mike Roca, Jr.

Mike-

First off, I'm very sorry about the long wait for a new Letters page, but I have an excellent excuse. The last edition of Letters to the Webmaster went over about as well as a boiling vat of poison at a wedding. People were calling up and demanding my head for that "Pfhor mating ritual" business. The sternest punishment was called for, so they sent me into exile in six months. (It was either that or listen to the Spice Girls for half a year.) Remind me to tell you all about my travels sometime.

Secondly, it is true that BungieWest is working on a kickass new game with science-fiction overtones. But if you think you're going to get any more info out of us about it, chances are Ling-Ling could beat you in a Paper-Scissors-Rock competition.

As always, we reserve the right to shut the hell up about whatever it is we happen to be working on. When the time comes, you won't be able to stop us from talking about it. Until then, chill.

I think you're weird too, and I don't even know you. Keep it in your pants, Elephant King.

Do you guys give out any scholarships for college-bound Bungie worshipers?

If you do, what do I have to do to receive such an honor? I think more software developers should consider doing this, too.

And if you don't, you should.

Cool Brans Man, Chrispy Nacho

Nacho-

The "Send A VidMaster To College" program was regrettably short-lived. The Man went around the office with an envelope, and did this song-and-dance routine about how important education is for the future of our country, and then tried to guilt-trip us into donating to the Bungie Scholarship fund. He got four bucks and 37 cents (not counting the wooden nickel I donated). He then spent some time trying to find needy and deserving students. After five minutes he got bored and used the money to rent a movie. I think it was "The Beautician and The Beast." He's got a thing for Fran Drescher.

Why do I get the distinct impression that this whole cookie monster debate is about something other than cookies, or monsters, or any permutation of the two? Don't try and fool me, I'm very perceptive about such things.

Iron Yuppie

Yuppie-

Depending on your point of view, the Cookie Monster debate is either:

-a test to see who can thoroughly molest a metaphor that was stupid to begin with; or
- who can argue the longest about something so trivial it defies logic

The only way to win is not to play. That's why I'm not answering any more Cookie Monster letters.

I was changing channels the other night when the movie Barbarella came on. It was a science fiction movie, and it looked a bit old. In this movie, I found many things related to the Marathon games, especially the first one. I was surprised to hear Tau Ceti mentioned. The villain of the movie was named Duran Duran, which could be reworked, thus derived the name Durandal. Is it true? Or could this possibly be a coincidence

jensen

Jensen-

You're absolutely right. But that's not the only real-world name inspired by this sci-fi classic. Did you know:

- Tom Petty was named after "Tau Ceti"?
- The Barbary Coast took its name from "Barbarella"?
- Phil Donohue took his name because it sorta sounds like "Dildano"?
- After the movie was completed, Jane Fonda legally changed her name to "Jane Fonda" just to mess with peoples' heads. Two days later, she changed it back, explaining "I never can remember how many apostrophes make a quotation mark. English is so confusing sometimes."

Incidentally, many people believe that the band Duran Duran took its name from a character in Barbarella, but this is not true. Simon Le Bon named his band Duran Duran after spending six months in a Turkish prison cell with a man who could not stop vomiting.

My friend and i are just about to register a business and were wondering something(yes thats right we are ACTUALLY using our brains! who'd of thought!) we have some really great ideas for games but the problem is the only programming i ever learnt was Qbasic and a little Visual Basic and all he knows is some pascal or C or something. We were wondering if we came up with a story line, character and monster sketches, ideas for weapons and items etc would you guys write the game for us. now hear me out.. i dont want you guys to write it and give it to us so we can make millions from it, i mean we would get a VERY miniscule amount of money and you guys can do the rest, i think that might save you a LOT of time and money. anyway if i can get in contact with creative team type people, programmers and stuff that'd be great. I am not sure if this is the right address to put serious stuff to so if its not please forward it to whoever needs to know. Thanx

River

River-

Since you're already using your brains, I've got a question for you:

Let's say you've already got all this difficult "game design" stuff out of the way, and we give you a very miniscule amount of money for your storyline, character sketches and weapon ideas.

Then all we have to do is code an engine, create the art, record sound effects and music, distribute it to beta testers and fix the bugs that they find, design the packaging, write the documentation, hire and train tech support people to answer questions about the game, place ads in the gaming magazines, print up thousands of copies and get it on store shelves.

My question is: how exactly does this save us any time or money?

Just wondering.

Hello again,
I was just wondering if you could tell me what a pork hock is? Maybe you could go down to the MOO and OINK and ask the butcher...thanks.

sniper

Sniper-

The Hypertext Webster Gateway describes a hock as "A piece cut by butchers, especially in pork, from either the front or hind leg, just above the foot."

I suppose I could have taken a field trip to Moo and Oink, but it's not a place you want to go unless absolutely necessary. Like a birthday party for a distant relative that you never liked, but with more animal carcasses swinging from the ceilings.

Dear webmaster:

Does Bungie give public tours of their HQ in Chicago?

Just wondering,
Mark L.

Mark-

We at Bungie are a hateful and antisocial bunch. Those few courageous individuals who have somehow determined our physical location and paid us a visit in person have all been summarily executed. (Except for one man from Germany who somehow slipped away...we're working with Interpol to track him down.)

We are very proud of our freakish little kingdom, and determined to guard it from the incursion of the Outside World by any means necessary. We cower behind our desks, throwing things at each other and shrieking in terror whenever the doorbell rings. Trust me, it's a pitiful sight.

My brother is obsessed with Soulblighter. I think it's some sort of psychosis. He continually quotes Soulblighter and takes any opportunity to change the subject of the conversation to Soulblighter. Whenever he sees a flock of black birds he says, "Hey, look, it's Soulblighter." And to top it all off, he plans to cut his face to make himself look like Soulblighter.

Is there any effective treatment? Are there any previously documented cases?

G. Wade McDonald

Yo G-

Actually, I've heard of several people cutting their faces to look more like Soulblighter. Michael Jackson is the obvious example, but I'm sure you can think of many more. We're hoping that David Cronenberg will do a movie about people with a fetish for looking like Soulblighter. If the look catches on, who knows? Maybe Matt could get a date.

I have two things to say...

1. Myth rules.
2. Third world children are Plentiful. Fossil Fuel's ain't. We gotta burn somethin'...

Chris wilson

Chris-

What a horrible thing to say. I'm disgusted. I'm not kidding; that's truly sick.

I don't understand how someone could even JOKE about burning third-world children when there are more than enough American children to power our sport-utility vehicles well into the next century.

Burn American!

After Playing the demo for all games, I have decided to finally get my act together and buy the box set for marathon. When telling my friend, who shall remain nameless because his parents dont like naming him (officially his name is "Five") asked if he could pirate the software from me. So I guess the real question is, what methods of torture should I use on him?

Matthew M. Roberts

Matthew-

Speaking of pirates, have you ever heard the term "pegboy?"

A pegboy (in the definition I was given) was a young man kept on pirate ships by (believe it or not) pirates. This young man was forced to sit on a large wooden peg...all the time. (Did I mention he wasn't wearing boxers or anything? That somehow seems important.) Anyway, this was done so that whenever a pirate wanted to drop his anchor (so to speak) he'd have no problem getting into Davy Jones' Locker (as such).

Now I'm not saying you should force your pirate friend to sit on a huge wooden peg covered with jagged splinters as some kind of twisted ironic vengeance. That would be wrong, and possibly illegal. I just wanted to pass on this little historical tidbit.

Anchors aweigh!

How come I can't get no tang from you guys?

Thomas Guarnieri

Thomas-

Most of us are quite happy with the software business, and see no need to supplement our income by selling artificially-flavored orange drinks. The two exceptions to this rule are Jim Ruiz and David Joost, both of whom could probably sell Tang in an orange orchard.

Webmaster,

I would just like to take the time to thank you and the rest of Bungie for creating games like Marathon 2, Marathon Infinity, Myth and the whole theme behind Bungie.

You efforts at mind control have indeed showed your true prowess in the gaming industry. I can't recall the countless times one of my friends have shrieked out, "LET'S GET 'EM," or "I got one on me...AHHH!" or "Move here, move there!"

I have also been pondering on how one mind can conceive so many cynical thoughts, yet express them in such an intelligent manner. The more I ponder, the more that I fear that Bungie's quest for domination will soon become successful.

So, I conclude my letter by saying, "I fear Bungie."

Ron

Ron-

Our new corporate motto is "Taking over the globe, one head at a time." You can see this logo displayed prominently on our newly redesigned web site. Just look between the fnords.

Greetings once again Its me again James Matthews I have a couple of questions #1-Have you ever thought about making Myth style game only this Myth DOESN'T have the undead forces? #2-What about making figures of all (and I mean All) the Characters of Myth The fallen lords

James Matthews

James-

Myth without any undead forces. That would remove a certain element from the gameplay...the "challenge" element.

A number of people have suggested making figures of characters in our games before, and if you've seen the prize in our upcoming tournament you'll know that we've considered the possibility.

I have a couple of things to say

1. When you take over the world with your undead army, can you nuke Seattle, Washington?

2. Can you send me a tape of Matt kicking John Leguizamo's ass?

3. If the world was a soup bowl and Myth was the spoon, would you get the broth and crap on the bottom, or would you go straight for the chicken?

4. The following sentence is true. The preceding sentence was false.

Goodbye now, I have to go sleep on the tilt that is my bed. School's tomorrow.

Lucas M Kresser

Lucas-

1. I don't see why we should nuke Seattle. There's some lovely country up there. We might just move the residents of Seattle into some kind of sweat shop. Would they notice the difference?

2. If it ever happens, we'll buy tons of air time and play that tape over and over again on all the major networks.

3. I think we'd follow the example of Eric Klein, our beloved Director of New Business, and go straight for the noodles.

4. Ever heard the phrase "talkin' loud but sayin' nothin'?"

Why is it so complex to get into your multiplayer mode?!? I've been knocking around bungie.net/.com for the last hour and haven't been able to find the @#$&%! online gaming yet! Howsabout a couple of convenient hotkeys at the beginning page, huh?!?

Eric B Olsen

Eric-

I asked one of our tech support guys this question, and he responded by asking if the letters "RTFM" meant anything to me. I think this was his way of saying "You access bungie.net through the Myth application, not through the www.bungie.net web site. Consult your manual for further instruction."

Everyone makes a big deal about what a jerk I am, but those tech support guys are real bastards.

If Superman has X-ray Vision couldn't he give people cancer?

Sonofhydra

Sonofhydra-

Medically speaking, only prolonged or severe exposure to that sort of radiation could cause cancer. So the only people who would get cancer would be people he examines with X-Ray vision with incredible frequency, like the Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Planet, or Brainiac.

Hey there bungie gods, well we all (the general public) know that you guys are gods, but would you like to make that official? We've kicked Hera from her seat on mount olympus and are now offering her position to you, to make your godship official, for only the great introductory rate of 49.95 a year.

Daily activities on the mountains include: Meddling in mortal affairs (my personal favorite), killing golden hinds (another fun filled activity), making fun of heaphestus for not living on the mountain, and last, but definitely not least, interbreeding with mortals.

Now all this and more can be yours for the great introductory rate mentioned above, of only 49.95!

But act now, because space is limited (well we only have one chair, and you don't want to get beat out by the people at apple, i'm advertising to them too), but if you act now! This seat could be yours!

Solobrus

Solobrus-

You spammers are starting to really piss me off.

Last time I checked, mortals had to pay ME for that whole interbreeding thing.

To get rid of my case of 3D shoulder I stopped playing Marathon games. I used to hurt myself by bumping into the walls of my house because I got used to walking along the walls in Marathon.

Elbert Wall

Elbert-

I've got a suggestion that will allow you to play Marathon and keep your shoulder intact: move to a building with padded walls. I bet your family will support you in this endeavor.

Did you know that right now there is a movie playing in Sweden called Beck 2. The movie is about Sweden's best policeman who gets involved with a mysterious murder case. In that movie they play Marathon 2, but they call it Final Doom and it's played by psychos in the Stockholm subway.

Stefan Arnborg

Stefan-

Well, for what it's worth, there was actually a non-Bungie game called Final Doom, and it sold principally to psychos who live in the Stockholm subways, so the game in the movie may not have been Marathon 2.

Nonetheless, I'd love to see the film just to make sure, so if any of you Swedish film buffs can get me a copy on NTSC video (or tell me where I can find such a beast), I'll make it worth your while.

Can I use that Pfhor mating thing you wrote in a scenario I'm making? I have this real cool idea on how to use it too....

My420life

To hell with that. What I want to see is the Pfhor Female/Tommy Lee video I've been hearing about so much on Usenet.

Hey, i don't have a question, so this is probably just a waste of time for all you gods at bungie. I have just one question, what compelled you to call the things inside the wights "puss packets"? As far as i can tell, they have nothing to do with puss, and would be more accurately named if called "Explosive bags found inside wights". I hope that you will consider this great advice and include it in the next updater of myth, and no, you don't have to give me ALL the revenues made off the game after the update, 50% will be fine, thank you.

Thatguy817

Hi Guy-

Actually, we call them 'pus packets.' Bart Farkas, the author of the Myth Strategy Guide, called them "puss packets." We saw a draft of the book and noted the misspelling, but the typesetters apparently didn't care. No wonder the world is becoming increasingly illiterate.

I am writing a Term paper on video game violence and as the developers of one of the most violent games available I would like to know your opinion on it.

Kenny Lowe

Kenny-

Here's our opinion: We think violence is cool.

Obviously we could go into more detail, but that's what it boils down to. If we didn't think violence in computer games was a good and entertaining thing, we probably wouldn't make violent games.

I have always been wondering about that Mother Goose character. She has some really weird poems. For instance, if Jimmy cracked corn and nobody cared, why did he keep on cracking corn?! Didn't he get the message? NOBODY CARES!!!! Read other poems by the Goose! She was an odd character. Please make a patch for Myth so that I can blow her away with a few Dwarves. I'd really appreciate it!

Kevin Griffiths

Kevin-

Jimmy cracked corn because it was in his blood. His father cracked corn, as did his grandfather before him. In layman's terms, he was a cracker, descended from a long line of crackers.