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Why Ekans is the best Pokemon There are almost 500 Pokémon in the world, and that's a lot. With so many unique and varied pocket monsters out there, it can be hard to separate the wheat from the chaff and determine which creatures are the best. Of course, if you're smart and hip with the kids like I am, then you already know the answer. In fact, the answer was in the very first Pokémon games ever made. Obviously, Ekans is the best Pokémon. Ekans is absolute. I cannot stop thinking about Ekans. Some of you might think that this is a ridiculous forced meme that is being beaten into the ground, but it's more than that. I believe in Ekans, and I want you to believe as well. If you do not agree that Ekans is the best Pokémon, I will prove it to you, right here and right now. I need you to understand what I am saying here. Ekans. Ekans is Snake backwards:
Ekans blows your mind every time you hear its name. Did you know that Ekans is Snake backwards? Of course you didn't, but once you discover it, it's like cracking the Da Vinci Code. In fact, I'm fairly certain that Ekans is part of some secret Holy conspiracy. It's just that great. Ekans is a puzzle within a conundrum within another puzzle, its name a portal into another world. How many other Pokemon have a name that shares genetic similarities with a Pink Floyd album? If that last sentence didn't make sense, you're not thinking about it hard enough. Or thinking about it too hard. The very word Ekans is a restructuring of the way we view the world. You won't perceive reality in the same way once you come to accept the truth that Ekans is Snake backwards. In fact, some never come out of the other side intact, as the weak-minded become insane once they comprehend the secret behind Ekans' name. In Vietnam, soldiers would torture prisoners of war by spelling Ekans' name backwards, giving their enemies a glimpse of something so inconceivable that it shatters their frail psyches. Ekans is Snake backwards? Who knew? How long was this happening, right under our very noses, before we stumbled blindly upon the truth like newborn babes attempting to understand the empty vastness of the universe? I am still on medication since first working out that Ekans is Snake backwards. I may never recover. And that is amazing. Ekans is purple:
Purple is the best color, and is it a coincidence that Ekans is purple? Evidently not! Ekans is the color of win, and his coloring puts him in the same league as many other wonderful things that are also purple. For instance, Prince, the man who invented funk, is famous for the color. The Purple Heart, that medal they give to old people for some reason, the rock band Deep Purple, and of course, Grimace from McDonalds, all share the trait, and are all brilliant things. It is a good color, and it goes really well with yellow, which Ekans also has. Very few Pokémon have such wonderful color co-ordination, which distinguishes Ekans as a most excellent and stylish Pokémon that looks good no matter what the occasion. Jessie from Team Rocket has an Ekans:
Jessie from Team Rocket uses an Ekans, which is proof positive that it is the best Pokémon since I want to have sex with Jessie from Team Rocket. She has massive norks sticking out the front of her and wears really short skirts even when it's cold which means she knows she is sexy and is showing off because she is a minx. There are these sites you can go to where you can see Jessie with her wobblers out and sometimes she is getting one right up her. I don't like the ones where she is having sex with Meowth but if you squint a bit you can pretend Meowth is not there and still manage to knock one out. There is one where Ekans is sticking its tail up her and that is very sexy and not weird at all even though I definitely didn't touch myself while looking at it. The very fact that Ekans could be used as a makeshift dildo like that in the first place is yet more evidence of the Pokémon's brilliant versatility. It's not only a cool pocket monster, it's an indispensable household tool as well! Ekans is a Poison Pokemon:
Poison Pokémon are the best ones. Koffing, Muk, Seviper, the list of top-notch poisoners are too numerous to name. They are considered one of the superior defensive Pokémon types in the game because of their type resistances and ability to inflict status ailments. Put short, a Poison Pokémon will fuck up your day and they'll be more than justified in doing so. Ekans is a proud member of this noble type, making it a required addition to any Pokémon trainer serious about his work. I can't imagine there are any Poison Pokémon better than Ekans, since Poison Pokémon are among the best, this basically means that Ekans is the strongest Pokémon in the entire game. I have reached this conclusion using logic, and if you try to argue with me on it, you'll look like an idiot. Just ask any journalist that's tried to make me look bad and undermine my opinions. They'll tell you what that did for their careers. So, don't try to argue me on this. Ekans is a Legendary Pokémon and that's the end of that. This picture:
Ekans evolves into Arbok:
Arbok is an absolutely fantastic Pokémon. It's a giant purple cobra and doesn't afraid of anything. It also shouts "CHARBOK" in the cartoon in a really funny voice and that makes me laugh incredibly loudly whenever I think about, even if I'm at a funeral which really upset my Aunt Gladys. My stupid Aunt didn't understand it when I explained that I was thinking of Arbok though, which is probably why her husband killed himself in the first place! Now, I know what you're thinking. If Arbok is so great, and Ekans is great because it can turn into one, why isn't this article about Arbok instead, and why am I so hung up on Ekans when clearly Arbok is sounding like the better deal? That's very simple. Ekans is great because it allows you to become Arbok. Arbok isn't Arbok on its own. It needs an Ekans. Meanwhile, an Ekans does not need anything. It is just Ekans. If that's not a good enough explanation for you, then it is because of good reasons. That is why Ekans is so great. Ekans has the best fan site in the world:
I am clearly not alone in my assessment of Ekans. Just check out this amazing fan site, full of facts and trivia about everybody's favorite Pokemon. You get to learn fun facts, like Ekans being 2 meters long and weigh 6.9 kilograms. All the cool kids hang out there, because Ekans is the best Pokémon. Obviously. Ekans eats Pidgeys:
Really, who likes Pidgey? Stupid, bland, weak, worthless bird Pokémon that gets in your way on all the early routes in the games and never buggers off. Pidgeys are a waste of space, and they fact they bother Pokémon trainers so much is evidence that the population needs trimming down. Ekans does us all a favor by eating this rubbish bird Pokémon and keeping them out of our hair. If anything, Ekans deserves a medal for what it does, but it would not accept such an honor because it is humble and honorable. Stupid Pidgey eggs get owned by Ekans on a daily basis, which is more than can be said of any other animal. Pidgey is a shit name, as well. It's Yegdip backwards. What the Hell does Yegdip even mean? Just what the Hell was Nintendo even thinking with that? It sounds a bit like egg dip but even if it was egg dip I don't think egg dip is a real thing! I hope Ekans eats every Egg Dip in the world. Stupid Egg Dips. Ekans:
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Thank you for making my day I am now a full ekans supporter(not to say i wasnt before) You forgot one important point... Ekans can breed with dragons.
Therefore, Ekans is a Dragon Fucker. Hmm. I don't like that you've done this.
The Ekans thing was funny at first but doing this article kinda ruins it. Work on your comedy and learn that jokes like these are funnier as small phases. I'm with Jim on this one. Ekans is the top Pokemon. Did you set up that site Jim? I see an Ekans worship page, so I imagine it was you. I'd like to contribute an empty apartment complex to Ekans. Ditto can turn into ekans, that makes ditto the second best, but also arbok is second best, ditto is awesome. And ditto can breed with anything. @Floameh:
Cause you're the king of comedy on the internet and thus determine what is and isn't funny, right? @Floameh:
If you're going to teach Jim about comedy, why don't you try to insert a joke in that post as well. At least he is overdoing it in a very funny way. Ekans. I went looking for that odd picture. You sir, have hentai in the ekans article. http://rule34-thumbs.paheal.net/ae7fb21b5070324108b31918024a40cb/thumb.jpg eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekans! Everyone knows that Snorlax is the best pokemon.
Also, I think that Gary motherfucking Oak is a funnier meme Rule 34 is so fucking true. Everything else you knew was a lie.
Except that Ekans is snake backwards. That's true. Ohohoh! If we're telling Women's Rights jokes I have another good one:
What's the difference between The Holocaust and Woman's Rights? You don't have to believe The Holocaust was real! Come on! What's with the angry looks and guns! That one killed down at the BNP headquarters... BIAS!
I say pidgey is the best and you are being paid to say that ekans is the best. Even though ekans is factually better I will continue to blabber on about how pidgey is the best. If you give pidgey a 4/10 I will end you :D I would cry "FAIL"/"FOWL"/some catchy portmanteau that that picture depicts, in fact, a Pidgeotto, but the fact Ekans can pwn even Stage 1 evolutions of Pokemans is testament to it power.
However, it is not the smexy of Gardevoir (female ones, anyway, not that male Gardevoirs are a real thing, at all), one of the few truly redeeming qualities of the third generation (bugger off, FRLG is still Gen I). Also, the one I had in the copy of Emerald I didn't lose was/is Naughty (the first one on that not-physically-crappy-friggin-USED was/is(?) Quirky, which is also 'good'). ...post the comment, damn you!! Ekans would still lose horribly to any Psychic Pokemon. Therefore Alakazam > Ekinzz, proved with REASON and LOGIC. I would cry "FAIL"/"FOWL"/some catchy portmanteau that that picture depicts, in fact, a Pidgeotto, but the fact Ekans can pwn even Stage 1 evolutions of Pokemans is testament to it power.
However, it is not the smexy of Gardevoir (female ones, anyway, not that male Gardevoirs are a real thing, at all), one of the few truly redeeming qualities of the third generation (bugger off, FRLG is still Gen I). Also, the one I had in the copy of Emerald I didn't lose was/is Naughty (the first one on that not-physically-crappy-friggin-USED was/is(?) Quirky, which is also 'good'). ...post the comment, damn you!! Obviously there needs to be one more section labeled: "Ekans gets all the bitches" because Ekans is totally sucking on Jesse's tit in that picture. HAWP: Oh Ash, your diplomacy is so thick and hardThis is... well... umm... you know what? I'm not even going to explain it. The latest Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'? is brilliance, plain and simple. Go watch it and have a good laugh or two. Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'? - Civilization V [GameTrailers] more Goodbye, DestructoidAs some of you may or may not have heard, this is officially my last day with Destructoid. Man ... I can barely type that without getting upset. I am starting a new job next week at GolinHarris as a writer for Nintendo. It is... more Games journalism came: Polydong.comYou'll know that you've made it when Destructoid makes a dick joke about you. By now, you've surely heard of Polygon, the new gaming portal by the people that ruined Engadget. Congratulations to Chris, Brian, and the whole cr... more The DTOID Show: Assassin's Creed DLC, Star Wars, & PornoOn today's completely professional, mature, and otherwise not stupid or embarrassing Destructoid Show, we discuss some very serious topics. First, a season pass is announced for Assassin's Creed III, and the first DLC will b... more YouPorn 'now on' Xbox, welcomes 'Xbox Masturbators'Sometimes this job is boring, and sometimes YouPorn sends Destructoid a press release, excitedly telling us that its streaming sex video services is coming to Xbox Live. Of course, what it actually means is that, with Interne... more Destructoid Community Meetup Photos!Yeah we're a web site, but we are also a collective of fleshy sacks of meat and blood that play video games together and drink sometimes! In an effort to centralize our random adventures and always have a place to show ... more Swordfight will get your joystick hardI stand corrected. This is the weirdest story of the weekend! If you read Joseph Leray's "Nordic New Wave" feature from the other week, you ought to be familiar with Johann Sebastian Joust, a game using accelerometer-powered ... more Namco Bandai pulls penis-flavored SoulCalibur V ad[Update: So apparently it is not real. Stupid sexy Voldo!] Namco Bandai recently pulled an advert for SoulCalibur V after fans complained that it was too offensive. No, it wasn't the magazine page featuring ginormous breasts.... more The DTOID Show: Our Top Gaming Moments Of 2011!Merry Christmas, everybody! I'm gonna keep this short because idiot thought it was a good idea to put a small tree in my house and then leave a bunch of presents sitting under it, so I need to go get rid of that crap before a... more Review: Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball BatWhile we're all waiting for that hotly anticipated Saints Row: The Third review, it's easy to forget that Volition Inc. has something else coming to market -- the official Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat. Fortu... more |     Dtoid is... Dale North Editor-in-Chief Jim Sterling Reviews Editor Hamza Aziz Dir. Communications Conrad Zimmerman Managing Editor Jordan Devore PC Editor Andy Dixon Community Manager Rick Olson Dtoid.TV Producer Niero Gonzalez Publisher Editors Meet the team Our sites Flixist Japanator Tomopop Contact Us Suggest News Advertising General Info  |
4:00 PM on 03.21.2010
