Videogame reviews. Some gamers out there believe that a review is a writer's personal opinion, one that shouldn't be taken to heart because it's just one person's feelings on a game and it doesn't really matter what somebody else says so long as you enjoy the game yourself. These people are wrong and stupid, and obviously don't understand what a videogame review is meant to be.

Reviews are the chlorophyll of the interactive entertainment industry. Videogames live and die by the word of one reviewer, and if a low score is given to a popular game, babies will literally die and rivers will run red with the blood of kittens. Videogame reviews are important, able to topple societies and slay kings, and if a low review score is given to a game you like, that is no different from the writer raping a fourteen-year-old, wheelchair-bound, dyslexic girl and filming it to put on YouTube. In fact, it's worse.

If a videogame review that you disagree with is posted online, you are duty-bound to respond and shame the writer into committing suicide, because it's just that crucial. Of course, you need to be armed with the proper responses, and fortunately, we're here to help. Come with me as I show you exactly how to respond to a videogame review. That no-good writer who trashed Uncharted 2 by giving it an 8.5 will be crying into his oatmeal by sundown!

The writer obviously sucked at the game:

Nothing is more insulting to a gamer than impugning his ability to play videogames, and if you suggest that a reviewer lacks the required skills, then all his credibility is instantly shot and time itself will reverse to a point before the review was written, undoing its evil in a Quantum Leap-style situation. Besides, it's probably true. The game is clearly so awesome that it's physically and logically impossible for somebody to dislike it without having some sort of personal problem that has nothing to do with the game's quality.

Anybody who ever wrote a negative review of a game sucked at it, played it wrong, or otherwise screwed up somewhere. You know how the reviewer played the game better than the reviewer himself did, so it's perfectly acceptable to make accusations without backing them up. Once you've simply assumed how the game was played and treated your assumption like an iron-clad fact, you'll feel much more secure and validated about your decision to buy the game.

After all, that's what reviews are here for -- they're here to agree with you and make you feel good about yourself!

The scoring system is broken:

"Man, why do people still use scores in game reviews? The system is obviously broken and sucks, so let's scrap scores altogether and pretend that this whole '7.5' business never happened, eh?"

People never complain about scoring systems when a game gets a 9.5, I've noticed, and that's because nobody actually thinks the scoring system is broken, at least when it works in their favor. Nope, the scoring system is instead the perfect scapegoat for you to defend your precious videogame when you feel it's been served a numerical injustice. If you want to stick it to a reviewer but you're too passive-aggressive to confront him directly, take it out on something that can't fight back and ask in a faux-polite tone that the scoring system be ended.

Our scientists in the lab have concluded that if you remove a score from a review, that renders the actual review text thoroughly meaningless and without power, and it will actually lead to a 25% increase in the videogame's sales. Just remember, when a game gets a high score that satisfies you, the scoring system is perfectly legit and trustworthy.

Compare it to other outlets' reviews:

IGN gave the game a low score, but Giant Bomb gave it a high score. IGN is obviously wrong.

The above sentence may confuse you, but don't worry, I did not just employ sorcery to blow your mind. I used a little thing I like to call logic in order to confound you and make it look as if one review was more legitimate than another review. It's little more than a simple parlor trick, and one you must harness if you want to challenge the credibility of a review. Here's how you do it.

You simply find a review that's more positive than the one you're challenging, and then pretend that it's a more legitimate review. Yes, that's all you need to do! Don't worry about finding ways to demonstrate the superior legitimacy, because nobody will ask for such proof. All they care about is that the number stuck at the end of the review is slightly higher than the number stuck at the end of another review, and everybody will instantly feel better about themselves.

I bet you didn't know that you could compare and pigeonhole opinions in the same way that you can compare the size and freshness of root vegetables, but you can! It's just that easy.

Compare it to random reviews by the same outlet:

If a publication gives a game a low score, one important thing you must do is to go through the archives and find other, arbitrarily chosen reviews of random videogames written by the same publication in the past. Even if the review is written by a totally different person, it doesn't matter. Just get those reviews and make pointless comparisons. It will somehow make everything better.

There are a number of things you do with these comparisons. You can claim that the publication is saying that one game is better than another game: "Wait, so you gave Brutal Legend a 6.0, but you gave Half-Minute Hero a 9.0? HOW is Half-Minute Hero better than Brutal Legend, which is what you totally just implied? These reviews are a joke."

Never mind the fact that Brutal Legend and Half-Minute Hero are two completely different games in completely separate genres with reviews written by two different people and that the reviewers likely never even thought about one game while reviewing the other. When you have two different reviews, they can always be subject to an absolute 1:1 comparison!

If you want to keep things simple, however, then you needn't trouble yourself with such contrasts. Instead, simply find a game you don't like that received a high review score, and use that to demonstrate the reviewer's lack of integrity, like thus: "Well, this guy gave Killzone 2 a 9.5 so that's his credibility flushed down the toilet."

Yeah, I know. The above sentence actually says nothing of value and doesn't prove a damn thing about the writer's credibility, but that doesn't matter. It looks like it might prove something if you squint your eyes and tell yourself it does, and that's the important part.

Reviews don't matter:

One way to diminish the power of a negative review is to tar all reviews with the same brush. Claim that all reviews ever written are stupid and pointless, and that they don't matter. This kind of pompous generalization may look ignorant and pathetic, but it isn't because of reasons.

However, the important thing to remember is that you must still complain about the review, even if you just said that reviews don't matter. Acting like a massive hypocrite and contradicting yourself in the same sentence is an important key to being taken seriously by people online, be it N4G, NeoGAF or wherever else you like to hang out and complain about everything a games publication has ever written because you like to feel better than people you have never met before.

So yes, say that reviews aren't important, but make sure to whine about them anyway!

Because the score is bad, the writing sucks:

Remember, kids, when you disagree with a review score, it means the review is badly written and the writer should be fired. This is an awesome technique, because it turns the tables on the reviewer and reviews the review itself. It's so very meta, and people will shower you with golden gifts and the key to the city and carry you through the streets in celebration of the clever thing you just did.

Telling someone that the review is poorly written and terrible, then criticizing their opinions and not the actual quality of the writing, is a fantastic way of getting your point across and will definitely make everyone aware that you know what you're talking about, and you're not just some butthurt little man-baby with an inferiority complex who can't tell the difference between poor writing and a conflicting opinion.

Accuse the review of trolling for hits:

It's important to make sure that everybody knows the reviewer has an agenda. If you don't favor the accusation that the reviewer sucks at the game, you might want to try this one. It keeps up the idea that the videogame is blameless and all problems are the fault of the reviewer, and in addition, it sinks his credibility even further and makes him sound like an amoral parasite. Accuse the reviewer of trolling for hits, implying that he made the conscious decision to invent his own opinion for the purpose of drawing attention to the review. This is a great claim to make because, like the existence of God, it can neither be proven nor disproved, no matter how crazy it sounds.

Don't forget to keep posting comments and providing links to the review, though, giving the reviewer those very same hits you claim he's trolling for. Don't worry, that won't make you look like an unaware dipshit who is having his strings pulled by the very puppeteer he claims the reviewer to be. Anybody who agrees with you will not see the irony as they join you in pumping the review full of precious page views.

Claim BIAS:

Nobody understands the real meaning of the word "bias" anymore because it's been used ad nauseam by people who need a scapegoat, so what the hell? Use it as much as possible! Once again, this puts the reviewer's credibility into question and deflects any and all criticisms made of the videogame, no matter how legitimate they may be. Is the review of an RPG? Claim the reviewer hates RPGs, even if you don't have any evidence to back it up. It's not like anybody's going to dispute it.

If the game is exclusive to a particular system, then your job's just been made easier. Simply claim fanboyism and everything's kosher. Millions will flock to your banner and recognize that the reviewer is clearly a biased fanboy who loves his Xbox 360 and that's why he gave inFAMOUS a less-than-perfect score.

Once again, this cannot be disputed. The reviewer can claim he's unbiased, but can he prove it? No, he can't. Obviously, you can't prove that he is, but who cares? You have way more time on your hands than he does, on account of the fact that he clearly has a job, so you can spend all day accusing him of bias in between wanking over Cowboy Bebop hentai and win the battle through sheer attrition. Besides which, he'll probably decide the fight isn't worth his time, allowing you to say and do whatever you want while he actually goes and has a life, the stupid asshole.

And that, my friends, is the correct and proper way to respond to a review. Hopefully, you will no longer have your life ruined by bad reviews that are written poorly by biased fanboys who suck at games and are trolling for hits because reviews don't matter except they do matter and scores suck and they said Halo 3: ODST was good so fuck them anyway! Godspeed, traveler, and may you continue to act as a videogame's unpaid PR representative in many more reviews to come!

Legacy Comments (will be imported soon)

lookmywittyusername

Thank you for your informative suggestions to make my carrear in living more enjoyable

Jon B

BIAS.


I opened this article thinking it was going to be a serious article, then I saw your name, Jim. I was not disappointed.

nanowerx

Did Nick Chester get you to write this? His reviews are horrible and it seems like he needs a cynical scapegoat like this.

PhazonYoshi

Clearly Jim is biased towards reviewers, here. Pity he can't even write, he's reviewing it wrong, no wonder he thinks it's too hard.

This is telling the truth. You tell the truth there, but not here? wtf destructoid, I'm going to read all my editorials at RPS from now on.

KIHP

Are reviews ending because jim is moving to America?

GamesAreArt

Clapping.gif

Drunkcast

Jim, you forgot, "Accuse the reviewer of not finishing the game" :)

Sarana Na Sopanpanichkul

LOL Oh humanity.....

I agree with you Jim.

Jared Ari

I see what you did there.

By instructing people to do what they would go right ahead and do on their own, you either make them change their ways out of spite of that fat British man whom they hate so much, or (far more likely) you simply win because everyone did what you told them to do.

Must be one of those logic things you were talking about.

snaxib

Jim Sterling, you constantly remind me of how writing can be badass. College can sometimes suck me dry and leave me thinking that writing is nothing but ten-page papers and bullshit. Thank you for the reminder!

-PL-

Well, in all fairness, you complained about Infamous being too hard for you, so the whole "you suck at the game" kind of applied to that. Because I found the game to be incredibly easy, even on hard. I mean, when you die, it starts you like seven feet away from where you died.

KIHP

Also you forgot post about other characteristics of the reviewer like there weight even though it has nothing to do with the game at all.

eternalplayer2345

What no "Claim the reviewer has been paid off to give the game a high score or payed to give a another companies game a low score"? Fantastic list, I love looking at all the stupid tropes that describe fanboys

Zeta Crossfire

I try and respect everyones opinion when they write a review but the review of dragon age was bullshit. I've logged 30+ hours into this game so far (360 version) and i have to say that this game is the greatest game of our generations i am THAT impressed with it. I expected it to be a good game but not THIS good. Its now my favorite game ever, i have gotten more enjoyment out of the 30 hours i have played this game then every other game i have every played. Ill try not to flame you guys on your reviews but once in a while ill hope those assassins i sent out will actually do there job.

The Deeg

I personally think that most review systems are broken in that they score too high. If your review scale is from 1 - 10 then 5 should be average. On a lot of review scales though 7 ends up being average and anything below that is shit.

Sven Wohl

Nice article, I give it a 7.5 out of 8.95621563!

ChildOfLore

Trolls aren't cool/intelligent enough to appreciate Cowboy Bebop, not even the hentai.

Arkhon

I honestly hate review scores. People tend to just skip to the end and read just the score instead of actually reading the thing. They encourage stupid arguments. Seriously, just scrap review scores and force everyone to actually take time to find out what the game is like if they want to know how good it is.

keisal

Jim is obviously just looking for people to read his article. He is biased against reviewers because he can't review worth shit. This article was so poorly written he oughta be fired. Joystiq is so much better at writing articles! Plus this article doesnt even matter so whatever.

Really I'm the first one to do that? lol awesome article

Taylor Wilcox

jim, you make me giggle..
it feels wrong....
but keep it coming.

Jonathan Holmes

Xzyliac

And for all these reasons Nick Chester must die.

Also in light of a certain story concerning a certain company who assassinated their integrity and broke their own honesty creed I'm surprised you didn't mention people claiming the reviewer was payed off.

Also, Nick Chester must die. Like now.

Evergreen

@ tehAnt1the1s1s

That is why, in my opinion, review scores should be on the A to F school grading scale. Less ambiguity about what the score actually means.

As for the article, obviously Jim sucks at games, so gives a shit what he has to say?

Midgetsnowman

This works for art, too.

Dont like that someone didnt find your vision amazing? Obviously its their fault.

GoldenGamerXero

I assume you've read this. Jim Sterling you fail at all genres of gaming and only complain and give review bad scores because you are BIAS against the PS3, Xbox, Wii, DS, PSP AND PC ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

I hope you get fired for your BIAS!

robotbebop

Ahhh! who IS that in the Citizen Kane gif?

Chris Carter

Some of these are extremely hilarious, but the "suck at games" one CAN be true. Just look at IGN's joke of a God Hand review. Apparently the guy couldn't make it past level 2.

What do you do in that situation? You give it to another reviewer who can handle it: it's pretty simple.

JDavis1186

Must... not... blink...

Ninja Cameraman

I loved the blog and Jim? You got huge Kudos from me for using a still from my fav Dr Who ep :)

Nic128

The sarcasm is strong with this one.

Magesx

u mad?

marxistforlife

Your review of Darkest of Days was still horrible, enjoy using "it was satire" as an excuse for everything you create.

Chris Carter

Also; great Dr. Who episode.

ohno

My only problem is bigots who state their opinion as fact. Then again, it's not really much of a problem if you don't make it one.

Ninja Cameraman

@Robotbebob

Photoshopped Gary Busey of course!

ace of knaves

I give this seven logics out of reason.

And this.

rel123

"The scoring system is broken:
'Man, why do people still use scores in game reviews? The system is obviously broken and sucks, so let's scrap scores altogether and pretend that this whole '7.5' business never happened, eh?' "

"Compare it to random reviews by the same outlet: 'Wait, so you gave Brutal Legend a 6.0, but you gave Half-Minute Hero a 9.0? HOW is Half-Minute Hero better than Brutal Legend, which is what you totally just implied? These reviews are a joke.'"

Honestly, you can't imply the numbering system is important and then say that games cannot be compared on score. Well you can, but you contradict yourself and I'm not sure what point you're making. Yes, you're annoyed that people didn't like your Dragon Age review, but the reason we put numbers at the end of the review is so that we can compare the general quality of multiple games across different genres.
Obviously a small difference in the number value could be ignored, but if there is a 3 point difference in the score between two games, one should be able to reasonably infer that the one with a higher score is a better game. If we can't do this, then there really is no point to putting a score at the end of a review. Seeing as how Destructoid does score their reviews, the scores must serve some purpose other than to keep Metacritic happy.

Also, yes, I do think you are funny and enjoy reading your articles.

robotbebop

Ninja Cameraman - THAT's why it gives me the creeps then!

DaedHead8

The next time a big name game comes out that everyone expects to get a 9 or a 10, Destructoid should give it a 10 and editors choice but then tear it apart in the actual review, make it sound like the most broken unplayable game ever. See how many people notice.

Super Drybones

Accuse the writer of being paid by a company. Is he reviewing a Sony game, he obviously works for microsoft. Is the same writer now giving a bad score to Halo 7 DDSO, now sony has hired him. Nintendo has more money then god so they have of course hired him.

kalidanthepalidan

@Arkhon

I agree. Silly numbers. Text FTW.

bVork

I know I probably shouldn't bother making a serious reply to a satirical article, but I'd still like to state exactly why I think Destructoid reviews are worthless to me. Most of the reviewers simply don't seem to view games in the same way that I do, which makes their judgements worthless when I am considering which games I should play.

The Space Invaders Extreme 2 review, for instance, complained about the shortness of the game - which clearly reveals a different mindset than my own, as I find that score-based games (and the SIE2 scoring system is one of the best and most complex that I have seen) tend to have far greater longevity than most other types of games. When I'm was done with BioShock, I was done, yet I'm still playing Ikaruga - a game five years its senior. The same will be true for Space Invaders Extreme 2.

The Dragon Age: Origins review also listed several faults that I do not consider to be such. The review complained about the lack of compass directions, which I thought was a fault of Oblivion. I don't want to be told exactly where to go. I want to figure it out for myself. I turned off those aids in Oblivion and Fallout 3, and I'm quite happy that they aren't on (by default - you can turn on markers for unexplored areas if you're a lamer) in Dragon Age: Origins. The combat is difficult, and I can't imagine playing it on consoles where there is no proper top-down view for tactical movement, but I love how satisfying it is when you take out even the simplest groups of enemies. Is it difficult? Yes. Is it unbalanced? I wouldn't say so - your party and the enemies tend to be fairly balanced on a purely statistical level, with an advantage towards your party thanks to the more complex tactics you can use and the positioning that you can take advantage of.

These two examples, I think, show that there can be legitimate reasons for discounting reviews. I'm not even sure I'll read another Destructoid review again, as I can see that the reviewers simply do not play games like I do, and thus I do not gain any insight into which games I should play based upon their articles.

bluetom00

I always thought British humor was _more_ sophisticated than American. Perhaps your transatlantic migration has ruined the comedy in your genetic makeup.

Jonathan Holmes

@ Magnalon- I always took that IGN review as the work of someone who just didn't "get" God Hand. Personally, I love the game, but I wouldn't recommend it to someone who doesn't like that specific kind of gameplay and that specific kind of humor.

That's my whole problem with writing reviews right there. I think that the part of a review where you share your opinion, and the part where you recommend the game to others, gets badly confused. They really are separate entities unto themselves. I totally respect the opinion of the guy who wrote that God Hand review, but he surely failed if he was trying to predict how much I'd like the game.

@ robotbebop- The one, the only, Gary "I'm with Busey" Busey.

ProperlyParanoid

Don't. Blink.

Jon B

@Mirax
I was waiting for someone to mention that. The Empty Child is probably the only episode scarier than that one.

Marty McMahon

fact of the matter is, that reviews do matter, even if they are rigged, biased or what have you, because the casual and cool (if ur a n00b look it up) gamers need someone to tell them what games to like, so for the industries sake we need reviews and reviews that arent as dumb as this dude

Xzyliac

@DaedHead8
They did something like that.

Somebody reviewed a game, believe it was a DS title, and gave it a 3 (I think) but told everyone to buy it and that it was a worthwhile experiment.

I forget who did it or where it was but Jim would remember as I do believe he had some very positive words about the review in the comments section.

Infinitys End

The sad thing is, even though it's satire, there's a lot of truth in what you've written. It's one of the main reasons I quit reading reviews all together.

Eaten by a Grue

@Jon B

BIAS!

Your review of Jim Sterling's article was obviously biased because you have something against Jim Sterling. Because of this, everyone here who reads your comment should treat your next one-sentence Jim reviews as complete shit. Even so, reviews don't really matter.