Spread a Little on Me

After learning that my aunt intended to name a female infant "Taylor Jade," I gave my opinion of the name.

"What a wonderful name, I exclaimed, for a future professional cocksucker! If you want your daughter to augment her breasts and slurp semen in lieu of water, stick with that name."

A look of horror washed across my aunt's face, and she left. To her credit, she didn't stick with that name. To my amusement, she went with one even worse.

It's a girl!

Huh? Wha? It's 2 a.m. What's a girl? I'm a girl? Yes, I am, thank you. What are you?

I had a girl! Isn't that great?

Who the fuck is this?

It's your aunt, and I had a girl!

Huh? Aunt? Oh, Taylor Jade made her arrival?

We decided on a new name.

Well, bully for you.

We settled on "Riley"!

Riley? Oh, God, Riley is ... trashy. And it's a boy's name. You did say you had a girl, right? Why don’t you just hand her over to the porn industry to raise? Because when I think of Riley, especially with your last name, I think, "How much does she charge?"

That’s awful. That’s a really rotten thing to say. Besides, we’re spelling it R-Y-L-E-E. That makes it classier.

Sure, if the class you’re trying to rise above thinks a double-wide trailer is luxurious. Don’t you know there’s a direct correlation between extraneous "y"’s in a kid’s name and the number of laws they’ll violate? And what’s with the "-ee"? How cutesy is that?

You can be really rotten sometimes.

I know, it’s a gift. I’m just trying to save the kid some pain. There’s a cardinal rule in naming kids, and it is "Thou shall not mix ethnicities. No matter how unique and special it is." Rylee sounds Irish. Your surname is LeManne. Rylee LeManne. It’s like me being Rosita Connelly. It’s not allowed.

But I’m all about the nicknames. You know that. I named Brianna "Brianna" because I like "Bri" for a nickname. I picked "Rylee" because "Ry" is so damn cute.

Jesus Christ. Bri and Ry? Like cheese and bread? You’re naming your kids after cheese and bread?

Well, I never thought of it like that.

You should have. It’s perfect for an incestuous lesbian stage show, though. "The Incestuous Lesbian Duo, Bread and Cheese LeManne." What’s the tagline going to be? "Hey, Bri, come over here and spread some on me?"

*click*

That's the last time I try to help a family member.

But my aunt isn't alone in doling out cutesy or "unique" names to her living accessories. It's a nationwide trend.

With society churning out Columbine Borg at a rapid pace, naming a child is one of the few remaining acceptable outlets for individuality. We want our kids to conform because conformity is the glue that holds society together. But giving them a name that no one ever thought to bestow upon a child -- Dysmenorrhea, for example -- allows parents to demonstrate some level of non-conformity.

Of course, buying a child a chemistry set and encouraging the exploration of the wonderful world of chemicals is far less embarrassing than saddling a child with the name "Cannon Wang."

Along with creative names come creative spellings. Maybe the parents weren't clever enough to invent a name. Maybe they liked the sound of a traditional name, but they still wanted their child to have a leg up on the Lakens and Teagans.

But does spelling matter when the teacher calls on Julie, Jullee, Jewlee, Julliee and Julye?

"Rylee" is but one example of misspelled monikers. Traditional names become undecipherable.

Mayghan? Is it pronounced like the more traditional "Megan"? Or May-ghan? May-gun? My-gun? How can anyone tell in a country brimming with Brinleys, Hollyns and Kestins? Where Matthew becomes "Matthue," a too-trendy Carson becomes "Karsyn" and an overdone Taylor transforms into "Teighlor"?

Then there are the parents who completely lack creativity. They give rise to the Trumans, Willows, Xanders, Dawsons and Dharmas. They're television or movie addicts, and a name that fits a fictional character will surely make their child stand out.

And the stranger the name or spelling, the more apt the parents are to eschew discipline.

During finals, I escaped to the local public library to study. Libraries are quiet or so I've heard.

Fifteen minutes into studying, a book fell on the floor. Again and again.. I got up to see who the klutz was, and it was none other than an adorable female toddler. All blonde and white and cute.

She purposely threw the book on the floor. And continued to purposely throw it on the floor. After five minutes of that, and perhaps noticing annoyance on the faces of other people, the mother half-heartedly attempted to discipline her angel.

"Kinsey, stop it. Stop it, Kinsey. Please, Mommy is trying to read, Kinsey."

What? Kinsey? Like the Kinsey Institute? Is Mommy kinky or stupid?

My vote was on the latter because for 20 minutes, Kinsey entertained the library with her antics.

I doubt a Jennifer would do that, but I bet a Jenypher would.

Providing jack-off material for white misogynists since 1997.

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