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In case you've been too stunned by other
newsworthy disasters to pay proper attention, the Military Commissions
Act of 2006 was just signed into law. This law gives the U.S.
government legal permission to do things they've been doing sub-legally
for years, such as: designate people as "unlawful enemy
combatants"; deny these people the right of habeas corpus;
detain them for years without charges; and obtain evidence through
"coercion."
If it only affected immigrants
and foreigners captured in battle, this law would be bad enough--but
when we learn that it also permits U.S. citizens to be deemed
"enemy combatants," it's time to ACT! Here, then, are
some tips on proving to the feds that you are not the
enemy:
1. BECOME A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR.
Hollywood celebrities rarely, if ever, spend years in Guantánamo
without charges, surrounded by barbed wire and vicious dogs.
Their movies may bomb, but they never do, thanks to the virulent
Red Scares that purged the motion picture industry of all terrorists,
with the possible exception of Mel Gibson.
When you become a famous movie
star, you will receive: a dazzling smile, affordable health insurance,
and a rock-hard sense of self-esteem that comes from millions
of government-indoctrinated nobodies knowing who you are. Push
comes to shove and you are sent to a detention camp, guards will
treat you better. "Hey, isn't that Julia Roberts on that
gurney? I loved her in Erin Brockovich. Maybe I'll let
her call her attorney..."
2. EMIT NOXIOUS FUMES. No one
will ever accuse you of Islamofascism as you proudly stand in
solidarity with our great multinational corporations and spew
harmful chemical, radioactive, and industrial waste into our
ecosystem. By polluting rivers, the air, and low-income neighborhoods,
you'll garner lots of government perks, too, including military
contracts and tax-breaks you could only dream of as an ordinary,
"save-the-whales" citizen. Best of all, your carcinogenic
emissions will increase chances that, among the thousands of
Americans who die each year from environmentally caused cancer,
one or two will be terrorists.
3. SCAPEGOAT SECULAR HUMANISTS.
Stuck-up, egghead Secular Humanists like Frank Rich, Molly Ivins,
and Noam Chomsky say that Islamic extremists are not the real
problem. They're right! The real problem is stuck-up, egghead
Secular Humanists!
Secular Humanists have caused
terrorism, global warming, and every major disaster for the last
5,000 years--and it's our duty to stop them before they TAKE
OVER THE WORLD!
FACT: these intellectual malcontents
have turned from God and home-schooling to the golden calf of
"Humanities"! FACT: since the Crusades, Secular Humanists
have stood at the center of a vast, satanic plot to STOP God-ordained
conquest and unite humankind through Logic, Science, and Enlightenment!
FACT: Much of our U.S. Constitution was written by these depraved,
happiness-pursuing "Enlightenati"! Would you want one
of these "created equal" degenerates to marry your
sister?
Why are we waiting? Let's show
them God's logic. Let's show them the only way to prevent
another Third Reich is with another Inquisition.
4. ACQUIRE A NUCLEAR WEAPON.
If you are not an Arab, Communist, or person of color, announcing
that you have a nuclear weapon capable of mass destruction will
make you an instant ally of the United States! A small NB about
the WMD, however: Do NOT make the mistake of that silly Iranian
President, who followed the Non-Proliferation Treaty, inquired
through proper channels about legally obtaining nuclear technology
for "peaceful" purposes, and was called "Hitler"
for his efforts. Please show that you are thoughtful enough to
handle your ability to create perpetual nuclear winter by obtaining
your WMD before you inform the U.S. government. To make
absolutely certain you're in good standing, insist that the U.S.
government call you "France."
5. DEVELOP AGORAPHOBIC CATATONIA.
"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men
to do nothing." A wise man said that in the 18th Century--a
wise, stupid man. This man never looked ahead to the 21st Century,
to see that doing nothing would become the apogee of cutting-edge
activism!
Remember the Afghanistan invasion?
The Iraq invasion? All those meetings and lectures you went to,
where you became "informed" and had "doubts"
about WMD and al Qaeda connections? All that peace marching--once,
with 10,000,000 people all over the world, so the destruction
of millennia-old cultures and the slaughter of innocents wouldn't
happen? It happened anyway.
It happened because you left
the house.
To prevent further mayhem,
it is necessary to effect social change at home, by nonviolently
reading your email. Uh-oh: look at all those listserves on murder
and torture and indefinite detention. They force you to devise
a new activist strategy: You must play "Minesweeper"
and "Pac-Man" for the next four hours.
Now, for direct action! Using
psychological skills honed at your computer, it is time to emotionally,
intellectually, and spiritually "shut down." This allows
you to do radical civil disobedience while lying on your couch.
As you remain in staunch protest, allow crises such as Darfur,
AIDS, and our war on Iran to roll over you.
While they are rolling, turn
on TV. Look, there's a Sex and the City rerun. Enter the
world of beautiful people with no real problems, lots of sex,
and million-dollar hygiene. Why does New York City suddenly have
so few Black people? Isn't that gay person being treated like
a pet? Doesn't matter. All good. Now, try to picture somebody
water-boarding Sarah Jessica Parker. You can't. Ah, finally--you
have effected social change.
CounterPunch
Speakers Bureau Sick of sit-on-the-Fence speakers, tongue-tied and timid?
CounterPunch Editors Alexander Cockburn and Jeffrey St Clair
are available to speak forcefully on ALL the burning issues,
as are other CounterPunchers seasoned in stump oratory. Call
CounterPunch Speakers Bureau, 1-800-840-3683. Or email beckyg@counterpunch.org.