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Sex scandals, at least in societies
dominated by guilt-sodden Protestants, fulfill the therapeutic
function usually attributed to pleasant or exciting sex: exploration
of intimate areas of political life, surfacing "issues"
normally repressed. America can't talk about Iraq, where Americans
boys are raping 14-year-old girls and shooting families at close
range, can't talk about torture, so instead we focus on what
former Republican Representative Mark Foley wrote to a page about
boxer shorts and their contents. What's the other option? Pack
a tube of sex lubricant, holster up, grab a box of ammo and head
for the Amish schoolhouse.
Here's Foley (code-named Maf54)
in instant message mode in April, 2003:
Maf54: I miss you
Teen: ya me too
Maf54: we are still voting
Maf54: you miss me too.
The two of them then-so say
the transcribers at ABC News-"appear to describe having
sexual orgasms."
Maf54: ok..i better go vote..did
you know you would have this effect on me
Teen: lol I guessed
Teen: ya go voteI don't want
to keep you from doing your job
Maf54: can I have a good kiss
goodnight ...
Teen: :-*
Teen: kiss
What was Foley off to vote
for? That evening the House voted on HR 1559, Emergency War Time
supplemental appropriations. Just another wargasm in the life
of Empire.
Did Foley actually lay his
filthy paws on gilded youth? There are gay guys who like to hang
around teens, not necessarily with an overpowering urge for immediate
sexual contact but more for the overall homoerotic buzz and the
hope that one day one of the lads might say, You're the one.
It's like the pilot in that great 1980 movie Airplane:
Captain Oveur: You ever been
in a cockpit before?
Joey: No sir, I've never been
up in a plane before.
Captain Oveur: You ever seen
a grown man naked?
Captain Oveur: Joey, have you
ever been in a-a Turkish prison?
Captain Oveur: Joey, do you
like movies about gladiators?
This sounds like Foley to me.
When in doubt, head for the Betty Ford Center. Although no one
seems to be buying it, Foley is trying to bring booze into disrepute,
saying that he was drunk all those times he whacked out the instant
messages on his laptop or Blackberry. He also says he was abused
by a priest as a lad and now suffers from mental illness. A trifecta!
Foley probably spent a lot of time studying the human pyramid
and dog photos from Abu Ghraib before rushing off to draft the
strong language he inserted into the Child Protection and Safety
Act earlier this year. People cry angrily that this is hypocrisy.
I'm not sure why. If you, as a human, know what you are capable
of, surely it's sound moral conduct for you, as a legislator,
to try to guard society from the Beast Within.
What gives a scandal legs is
always the cover-up, or the appearance of a cover-up. Republicans
in tight races are panicking because Hastert and other senior
Republicans sat on the scandal. "I don't think it would
pass the sniff test," says West Virginia Representative
Shelley Moore Capito, referring to claims that the first set
of e-mails between Foley and the pages on the topic of boxer
shorts did not seem to be conclusive evidence of anything really
bad. Sniff test? What can Shelley have been thinking of?
Beyond their inherently uplifting
aspect-bringing powerful people into ridicule and disrepute-political
sex scandals can be very educational about sex and political
economy. (This one has already dealt a few knocks to the myth
of teen innocence, beloved by prosecutors.) Who does not recall
that tryst in the White House-unearthed by special prosecutor
Ken Starr-between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky in 1996, when
Bill, receiving satisfaction from Monica in his nether regions,
gave satisfaction over the phone to Alfonso Fanjul, the Florida
sugar baron who was complaining that Al Gore had just proposed
a sugar tax and had vowed to clean up the Everglades.
The bluenoses try to ban sex
ed and then provoke scandal which duly engenders sex ed in glorious
Technicolor. Bill Clinton fired his first Surgeon General, Joycelyn
Elders, asked at a 1994 conference at the United Nations whether
adults should promote masturbation among youth as a way to discourage
dangerous sexual behavior. "I think that is part of human
sexuality," she answered, "and perhaps it should be
taught." Maybe Foley should volunteer to be a teacher, as
part of a plea bargain.
I often tell people they shouldn't
worry too much about the evangelical Christians. People who spend
so much time lecturing others about sin are likely to go sinning
themselves, and in the end, like Jimmy Swaggart, they get caught
heading into the whorehouse. Republicans are a repressed lot,
unless they become libertarians like Justin Raimondo. He can
flaunt his own trifecta: gay, antiwar and pro-capitalism. Back
in Reagan time, when I was on the campaign trail, the motels
were always filled with Republicans stitched into their squeaky-clean
suits who were obvious closet cases.
Most certainly the country
has been ripe for a political sex scandal. Given the paralysis
at the straightforward political level, it's pretty much the
only safety valve we've got. Let's hope the Foley scandal will
give us at least a hundredth as much educational uplift and fun
as did the great Lewinsky scandal of immortal memory. This doesn't
mean Bush won't bomb Iran. He might do it to change the subject,
and all those Republicans will interrupt their instant messaging
to the page boys to go vote the President all appropriate powers.
Footnote: This column ran
in an slightly shorter form in the print edition of the Nation
that went to press last Wednesday.
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