#7: Superman 64 (N64)The game starts with Superman trapped in Lex Luthor's virtual world. And you can tell Lex Luthor made it because only a genius super villain could make a world so expertly horrible and boring. This game might as well be called Puppy Dog Obedience School, because Superman doesn't get to do anything heroic. You spend almost the entire game performing whatever demeaning tricks that Lex Luthor demands. It's the classic villain plot "Make Superman fly through 75 hula hoops in one minute or die!" followed by the evil plan "Make Superman fly through 75 MORE hula hoops in one minute or again... die!" SPOILER ALERT! Level 2 is "Retrieving Lex's Slippers" and Level 3 is "Learning to Shit on the Paper." The whole sinister plot of forcing Superman to do tricks has got to be embarrassing for Lex. When Lex visits the super villain club, I know Dr. Doom makes fun of him. "I recently vaporized the defenses at Fort Knox and removed the gold with an orbital magnet ray. Did you mastermind that scheme to get those giant hoops flown through yet? Ha ha ha ha ha!"
Superman looks a lot like a flying log in panties, and the entire world is covered in a dull green fog. The game calls this "Kryptonite fog," but it looks suspiciously like something they put there so they didn't have to draw more than a couple buildings. Fun: 0/10 Superman has about 300 different super powers, including the ability to see panties through women's clothing, and the only one the game thought to include was his fantastic ability to fly through hoops. It would have been more fun if they made a game about Superman window shopping with Aquaman. Realism: 9/10 This game exactly recreates the pain you'd feel if you really were Superman being tortured in a virtual world filled with radioactive poisonous gas. Next... |
