E3 was home to many things. Colors, shapes, sounds, bright flashing lights, all the things that gamers love. However, the biggest news to come from that week was not to be found on the show floor, at a press conference, or during a behind-closed-doors screening. No, the biggest news of E3 came from our hotel. 

Destructoid has become obsessed with the reality TV show Cheaters. 

The mixture of sleaze and false piety is a winning combination, aided by the smarmy shit-stirring of Joey "Nick Chester in a cult leader's uniform" Greco. Naturally, this example of pure and utter trash should be turned into a videogame, and that's a good enough excuse for me to talk about something non-game related on a gaming blog. 

Seriously though, Cheaters would make an excellent game. Read on for my pitch!

As you all know, Cheaters is a show in which people suspect their loved ones of being unfaithful, so enlist the help of professional busybodies in order to expose their wicked ways. The game would put players into the shoes of a rookie agent in the Cheaters Detective Agency, taking to the streets of Dallas, Texas and accepting missions from distressed girlfriends and angry boyfriends. Use real detective skills in a world of lies, disgrace, and Joey Greco's eternal dismay at the state of human affairs!

Imagine a cross between Pokemon Snap and The Red Shoe Diaries, as players stealthily go on "Investigations" to uncover the most vile infidelity that Texas has to offer. You've just imagined Cheaters: The Videogame. Using a mixture of stealth and speed, players must tail suspects without being spotted, capturing them on camera. Players score points for each act of infidelity they catch, but also score bonuses if they catch the suspect doing something equally fucked up, like falling over into some trash cans or buying pornography. Anything that Joey Greco can use to make the situation look even worse than it has to be. 

High-stakes intensity and detection join hands as would-be agents put their wit and skills to the test. Players must take photographs of the suspect with an unknown companion, then use the power of investigation to find out who that companion is so that everybody in the local area knows what a slut she's been. Not only that, but real time action must be employed, with players tapping phones to record illicit conversations that can be played during sex scenes in order to make the blurry black-and-white footage appear more interesting. Not only that, but breaking into the suspect's house to set up hidden cameras is a crucial element to the gameplay. Will you get in and out before the suspect comes home? Will you be spotted and compromise the whole investigation? It's Cheaters: The Videogame!

Watch in horror as your suspect comes home, unaware of the hidden camera, and proceeds to have sly love in the comfort of their own home (but never in the bedroom, apparently). The crescendo to the investigation is watching the suspect pipe the living hell out of the companion. Scenarios involve anal on the boss's desk, double-ended dildos between kinky lesbian lovers, and two people shagging like rotters after parking in the victim's own parking space outside! The sheer nerve! Once this final piece of evidence has been uncovered, players get to wrap up the investigation.

Oh, but that's not all! Cheaters is about more than investigations. After all that nerve-wracking detective work, players then take on the role of Joey Greco himself! Using state-of-the-art Quick-Time-Events, players get to live out some of the most outrageous and stunning Confrontations that Cheaters has to offer, taking the reins of Greco in order to dish out unbidden and smug advice while avoiding punches, paintball gun shots, and stabbings. Will Greco succeed in getting involved with a fight that does not concern him? Will he comfort the traumatized victim long enough to get her back to his hotel room? Only YOU, the player, can decide that! 

I'm currently pitching Cheaters: The Videogame for all platforms, including Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, PC, DS and iPhone. The Confrontations especially would work really well with Kinect as players avoid concealed weaponry and wrap their own arms around the back of a crying woman who kind of wishes you weren't there. Ultimately, this game has supreme potential for both the core and casual gamer alike. All I need is $800,000,000 to make it!

It's Cheaters: The Videogame. Coming to a Walmart near you!

Legacy Comments (will be imported soon)

Holyassassian

That was greatest article I have ever read.

Jackson Starburst

I've never heard of this show before. They don't really tap people phones and break into people's houses, do they?
That would be illegal.

Red TheHaze Veron

The best part of the game should be when you control Greco and try to tap the women who got cheated on for bonus points.

ChickenNow

Jim this is awesome!

I'm a long time fan of Cheaters and watch it every Saturday night... It's amazing!

I found out about it because Cold Case Files comes on before it and that's my favorite show on TV

Sir Legendhead

What about multiplayer? Everybody would play as Cheaters, and instead of capturing a flag, we could shank Joey Greco!

Modes would include Grecoshank, Team Grecoshank, and...um...whores. Both male and female, that way nobody will be offended.

It'll be awesome! <3

Jackson Starburst

@Bigmoose85- how is that not illegal? I'm fairly sure I couldn't break into someones house.

Harris Hatsworth

No PSP version? Ouch.

Bioautographical

ekm29:

It's always (as far as I've seen) the person who commissioned Cheaters to investigate their partner. It's not illegal to bug your own house if someone's going to be stupid enough to cheat on you in it.

I'm also fairly certain that they're recording in a one-party state, which doesn't require the recorded person's consent to be on camera.

That's all pretty moot, however, considering that it couldn't be more screamingly obvious that the whole thing is STAGED as a mo'fo (although still awesome).

Cheaters: The Videogame plz!

Budogenkai

Coming Soon:

Cops The Video Game

Jim Sterling

Yeah, the victim is the person who installs the camera. However, I chose to use artistic license to aid gameplay. Like a real game developer!

Genius

@ Budogenkai

There was already a Cops videogame, it sucked.

FalconReaper

" Joey "Nick Chester in a cult leader's uniform" Greco"

I won't lie that's the funniest thing I've read all day. Two of my friends were telling me about this over Twitter. I honestly thought they were lying, but now...I might check this out for scientific purposes. And nice article Jim, sounds like it would be...interesting to say the least

And before I forget (while its still early hopefully)

qlum

do want

Jackson Starburst

@Jim Sterling, Bioautographical- Ok thanks for clearing that up.
This was a good article, and this does sound like a fun game.

I think it should be on 3DS, so you have to take 3D photos of real people cheating to win. I do it anyway so I may as well win games while doing it.

RichardBlaine

Funny article, but seriously I hate that show so much. It and COPS are what made G4 an occasionally fun TV channel to watch and turned it into 23 hours of crap and 1 hour of X-Play. Additionally, the content of the show, and the fact that it exists, paints one of the most disgusting pictures of humanity I've ever seen.

Jexral

I would play that game, and it would be awesome. Make it Jim Sterling, make it. :)

hyakushiki1234

yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesYES

Although I think it should be made by DICE and be an online FPS.

Handy

Hell, if Bear Grylls and that crab fishing show can get a game then I don’t see why this can’t.

Ganjookie

I got an idea, for a game called DOG: The Bounty Hunter!!

lewness

Activision could release some alternate costume DLC packs - of course, they will be naked 50% of the time anyway.

PixelSith64

@FalconReaper

DUDE! That's totally that one place from Paper Mario, where you go after the Goomba, I forget the name, joins your party. That is awesome picture.

Oh yeah, good article too.

Darren Nakamura

"As you all know, Cheaters is a show in which people suspect their loved ones of being unfaithful..."

We do?

Manic Maverick

You mustn't forget about the choices you can make that will alter the plot dramatically. Will you walk in on the cheaters and shoot them square in the head? Or will you wait outside and then run them over with your car when they exit the building? After hugging the girl and comforting her after she finds out about her boyfriend's terrible ways, will you rape her? That last bit would work excellently with Kinect. We already saw some of it at the live demo, though that was mostly bestiality.

Niero Gonzalez

I'd hit it.

hellfire overlord

I´ll buy this game LOL

F Whipple

day one buy

kidplus

Cheaters is strangely addicting. Joey Greco's the man. I hate that other host they had for a while.

robotbebop

Is there something about the shot or does that chick in the first image have a freakishly thin leg?

Los255

SOMEONE GET ACTIVISION ON THE LINE AND FRANCHISE THIS SHIT!

I wonder what the Heavy Rain edition would be like.....

*YOU are the cheater!

*You find out 90% of your relationship was filled with plotholes to your life because VAGUE MORAL CHOICE!

*The guys name is probably Jason. Yup.

Emrah

HEATERS!

RiotMonster

Haters Gonna Hate image is one of the greatest ones I've seen in days.

And, I would play the shit out of this game... Only because I'm a closet voyeur.

Triptykon

I may not have the amount you require to see this awesome idea through, but count me in for at least 50.00US. Greco's soft spoken way of delivering super bad news demands to be brought interactive.

ebbsnone

7/10