'Jersey Shore': The Lonely Hearts Club, Or Ronnie is a Monster Who Ruined Everything
By Eliot Glazer, The Set | Friday, February 18, 2011, 9:30 AM
"Everything is broken and ruined."
MTV
It was a heartfelt goodbye as the beginning of this episode kicked off with a teary departure from the beach house for Sammi, whose volatile relationship with Ronnie became 2 much 2 handle last week:
And back to Staten Island or Long Beach or Long Branch she went (for now). Bye, Sammi! Have a gr8 summer!
"I've f*cked myself in so many ways." — Donnie Ronnie
Despite wanting to "f*cking wring her neck" when she danced with—believe it—another human being, Ronnie was super sad to see his ex go. He was even caught crying in the bathroom. Because, seriously, you guys? Sammi had so much to offer. That's why this show is so good, y'know? Because every cast member—from Shnooky to Michael Situation to Deena DeVito—has so much to give. In edited, carefully-parsed sound bytes.
Michael Situation heeded the call, befriending Ronnie by urging him to exercise, which was adorable in that it preceded footage of Sammi telling her mother that her ex-boyfriend destroyed all her stuff and called her epithets and bragged about cheating on her. Oh, he was physically restrained by other gentleman because, I guess, if he were let loose, he might...eat...her? So, yeah, Sammi's mom is pretty cool with her daughter coming home without her sunglasses.
"Women are different than guys." —Deena DeVito to Ronnie
"You have the right to be upset." —Vinnie to Ronnie
"Let's throw cake in Vinnie's hair."—Danny DeVito to a producer who probably suggested she throw cake in Vinnie's hair.
DJ Pauly DJ declares a prank war, so all the kids start being silly. Vinnie hung Snooki's stuffed toy, "Crocadilly," from the balcony with a noose. Then Vinnie had to unclog the toilet! Then DeVito was constipated. Then DJ Pauly DJ found a stained pair of ladies underwear, leading Jenny "JWHATT" Jones to exclaim, "I make sure my pu**y's clean." Thank you!
Fact: Each cast member reportedly makes $30,000 per episode, excluding outside deals shilling nuts, fitness videos, and energy supplements.
Someone just made $30,000!
While at Karma (a discotheque), Ronnie experiences an existential crisis. He misses Sammi. Surrounded by flourescent fingernails, stale beer, and the sounds of The Pussycat Dolls remixed (just a guess), he longs for SS. Deena DeVito drunkenly breaks down, claiming no one likes her. Ronnie calls her the "baby sister they never wanted," which not only wins her over (aww?), but solidifies her constipation as NO LAUGHING MATTER.
Deena DeVito Go Wah Wah!
Then Snooki bangs Gianni, whose name she doesn't know.
Three questions remain: Will Ronnie get Sammi back? Will Ronnie leave the Jersey Shore house? Will Deena DeVito ever drop a deuce?
