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Review: James Pond in the Deathly Shallows James Pond 2: Codename Robocod is one of the first games I ever remember playing. By most standards, James Pond was never a great series, but its charmingly unfunny humor and silly gameplay made it quite popular in Britain. When I heard James Pond was coming back, I got quite excited, and I was really looking forward to checking out his mobile resurrection. Then I played it. Now I feel sad.
James Pond in the Deathly Shallows (iOS) James Pond in the Deathly Shallows bears only visual ties to the James Pond games of old. While the original nineties titles were puzzle-platformers, this iOS iteration has more in common with Ecco the Dolphin, rightly recognized as one of the worst games the Genesis ever boasted. Instead of platforming, the titular James Pond swims from left to right, and the player has to tap the screen to keep him afloat. The more one taps, the higher he climbs. He can also fly above water and swim backwards, but that requires an air supply which can be refilled by collecting scuba tanks or swimming through air bubbles. Unfortunately, the game controls horribly, and James takes damage if he so much as glances a rock or piece of land. Deathly Shallows thinks it's fun to navigate tight corridors with a character whose movements are difficult to predict due to the unwieldy tapping mechanic. He also takes damage if he touches the ground while on land, and if he runs out oxygen, he'll stick to that land, grimacing uselessly while his health runs out. This happens all the time, and it's the opposite of fun.
Pond automatically shoots at enemies, although his response times are random. Sometimes it'll take several seconds for him to start shooting, other times he'll do it instantly. Working out whether or not you'll hit an enemy or take damage is a matter of simple guesswork, and it's easier to just forget about enemies and hope for the best. Deathly Shallows looks like a poor Flash game, but even if this was free on a browser, I'd feel robbed in some way. The visuals are cheerful but poorly animated, the music is repetitive and annoying, and above all, it's incredibly short. Length is only padded out by how many cheap, pointless, random deaths you risk suffering. I'd be surprised if the entire game takes more than ten minutes to beat by lucky players who get through it unscathed. Yes, it is only one dollar, but when so many other games provide immeasurably superior iOS experiences for a buck, I can't help but feel cheated by the measly price. In an ideal world, HPN would pay people to download it. It is clear that those behind the game know what a useless waste of time it is, and awkwardly glued the James Pond name to it on order to con fans. It's fairly despicable, and I can't warn fellow lovers of the series to stay as far away from this piece of trash as possible. Sorry to dampen spirits, but this red herring is stuffed to the gills with soggy gameplay and should be condemned to sleep with the fishes. THE VERDICTLegacy Comments (will be imported soon)I remember this shit when I was a kid! Childhood - ruined.
@Llort Nope - it was a straight up platformer. But I did play (and love) Putt Putt as a kid! That was edu-ware - like Number Munchers, SSR, Math Blasters, and Reader Rabbit (not the bastard "new" Reader Rabbit - the old school one). @Apo
Something that didn't resurrect a two decade old franchise and basically shit on it's legacy? Um, basically, anything halfway decent? These games always sucked, yet I enjoyed something about them. What that "something" was, I don't know. I just barely remember playing the original. Might have to go back and see if it was any good or if nostalgia is clouding my memories...
@Magnalon Don't even bother, it's a threadcrapper account. Just check his comment history. Jim Sterling doesn't like Ecco The Dolphin. I guess that means that I have free leave to disregard his opinion on all matters forever more now. weird how the name mixes both James Bond and Harry Potter, i can totally think of a better name...
James Pond: License to Gill c'mon! Why are you so biased against games that aren't fun, Jim?
Videogames are recognized as an art-form now, so they don't always have to be fun. They just have to make you feel something. Disappointment is an emotion and you apparently felt it quite strongly therefore James Pond in the Deathly Shallows is an artistic masterpiece. The deft double movie franchise referencing pun in the title alone should have been evidence enough of this fact. Sincerely though, James Pond was belly up on arrival. The fact that the protagonist's first name is James might have colored your childhood memories of the game into something slightly less dingy and murky. Gutted. After reading yesterday's post about this game I downloaded it without a moments hesitation.
Wasting Ł0.59 was no big deal. Having a cool childhood game destroyed with a shitty return is a big deal. Adios James Pond, I'm afraid you're going to get flushed down the toilet for being crap. Was I the only one who liked the Ecco game on the Genesis? Come on there must be more fans out there. "apoet001 isn't quite living up to his name"
Well, a- as a prefix can be used as a negation in Greek and Latin, such as asymmetric, so he's not "a poet" but an "apoet", a non-poet. are you reviewing this shit games to bring your average review score somewhere below seven? I dont get what you are doing with these. @Theplayer131
lol. that was actually pretty witty. just a question- was James Pond (1 or 2) on GEN the game where you could stretch out your torso infinitely high? I have some strange childhood memory of that... Well it was fun to be aware that a new James Pond game is existing.
They should make a gritty reboot of this franchise with Daniel Craig. Also, yes, I never played Ecco but thought it was a classic of some sort. I demand a follow-up on this. When you are a critic, there is nothing like shaking up the established canon and introducing obscure gems. @djvlive
It was the second. "James Pond: Operation Robocob". Funny times. @Sat That would be... simply too awesome. Both ideas. "unfunny humor . . . made it quite popular in Britain."
Just like everything that's popular in Britain? Zing. I never played James Pond, but for some reason this reminds me of Treasure Mountain for PC... Did anyone else play that? That game was the BEST!!!!! This is one of the first games I remember avoiding. Keeping in that tradition I shall avoid this too. It looks to me that they came up with the title and then made a game around it; the sort of thing Alan Partridge would pitch in desperation to a game publisher.
It's always James Pond 2 that gets talked about but I remember the third game being genuinely excellent. I do stress remember. Finally, someone speaks the truth about Ecco The Dolphin. That game was shit, is shit, and always will be shit. The reason people remember it fondly is because it's been rereleased a million times, because it was nonviolent and had an interesting concept, because the basic swimming around you did was kinda fun, and because game journalists insist on giving it press and talking about how it was some sort of classic for some reason. The macro-level design of the thing is just a horrendous mess, however, and it's only fun to roam around until you realize nothing fun is occurring. I think it's the first example of the The Path school of game design, where people pop boners for it because it's "innovative", even though it's not enjoyable or anything more than marginally interesting in any way, shape, or form.
To be fair, maybe the sequels were better. God knows I didn't play them. And no, it's not that I hate Genesis games, or that I''ve forgotten how to play 16-bit games, or that I don't understand the historical context in which the game was released, or even that I don't understand the intentions behind the thing. I understand all of that quite well, thank you. Gunstar Heroes and Dynamite Headdy are some of my favorite games of all time, and I am absolutely not opposed to games having a message or being nonviolent. Ecco just wasn't a good game. Dust 514 now in open beta on the PlayStation 3CCP's ambitious first-person shooter Dust 514 is now in open beta. The free-to-play shooter, as you may already know, is linked to EVE Online, the crazy space game that's an actual viable export of Iceland. I'm not joking.&n...; more Dota 2 adds a 'Least Played Mode' game typeDota 2 didn't get a new hero yesterday, but it did get a new game mode to hold us over while we wait for everyone's most anticipated hero, Tuskarr. Least Played Mode eliminates your 20 most-played heroes from the pool an... more Warface closed beta opens ahead of full launch in springTrion Worlds and Crytek have kicked first-person shooter Warface into gear, announcing that the free-to-play game's servers are now operational for the closed beta. Amusingly, the "social entertainment platform" powering Warf... more Review: AirMechWay back through the mists of time -- 1990 to be precise -- fans of the relatively new RTS genre were treated to what is sometimes retroactively considered to be one of the world's first MOBAs, Herzog Zwei. Players commanded ... more CCP will roll out the Dust 514 open beta next weekAfter being available in closed beta for some time now on PlayStation 3, Dust 514 will be entering open beta on January 22, 2013, CCP Games announced today. And the timing couldn't be better. Arguably the most interesting asp... more PlanetSide 2 getting some good fixes this monthPlanetSide 2 is going to get a little bit sweeter at the end of this month, courtesy of Sony Online Entertainment. The patch will hit January 30 and contain a lot of pleasant fixes for the game. You can read about them a... more Gazillion initiates Marvel Heroes Founders ProgramDown as I was on Marvel Heroes based on my time spent with the closed beta, there's little doubt in my mind that the game will find its audience and do quite well for itself. In addition to narrowing down the release to sprin... more TERA is going free-to-play in FebruaryWhen I played TERA at launch, it felt like it was designed for a free-to-play audience. There were so many "kill X of Y" quests that it made me a bit nauseous. Now that it will be free-to-play starting in February, ... more No more new content planned for Age of Empires OnlineBit of disappointing news for those of you actively playing Age of Empires Online, but nothing can last forever. Excluding some finished content scheduled to hit in the next few weeks, Gas Powered Games won't be adding anythi... more Resident Evil: Retribution has a free browser gameThe fifth Resident Evil film is out on DVD and Blu-ray and Sony is celebrating the event with a free browser game. It's a simple, twin stick-style shooter where you control character movement with the keyboard and aim/fire wi... more |     Dtoid is... Dale North Editor-in-Chief Jim Sterling Reviews Editor Hamza Aziz Dir. Communications Conrad Zimmerman Managing Editor Jordan Devore PC Editor Andy Dixon Community Manager Rick Olson Dtoid.TV Producer Niero Gonzalez Publisher Editors Meet the team Our sites Flixist Japanator Tomopop Contact Us Suggest News Advertising General Info  |
5:00 PM on 07.01.2011
