While looking through the long list of Wii U launch titles, a few jumped out at me as completely stupid-sounding. Judging a book by a cover is one thing, but judging a game based on solely its name is a lot more difficult.

So, in order to properly blindly eviscerate these poor, unsuspecting games with my cruel words, I decided to create my own boxart based on what they're probably about, and then use that as a basis for formal preemptive criticism.

Sports Connection

As a seasoned veteran of OkCupid, Plenty Of Fish, Gk2Gk, Goth Scene, and The Onion's online personals section, I can smell the semantic reek of desperation of a topical dating site from a mile away. And Sports Connection is without question a dating site. For sports people. I don't care if it's a Wii U game and the actual title is "ESPN Sports Connection" this Sports Connection is just another way for sweaty people to wind up humping and I, for one, will not support it.

... But if I'm wrong, and it turns out it's actually a game where you can play badminton with your friends, then I guess it's okay. I don't know, I'm going on a name here.

SiNG Party

Okay, so I think Nintendo maybe showed off part of SiNG Party during their E3 press conference, but the only reason I remember is because it was the first time I actually heard "Call Me Maybe," so I don't remember for sure. However, the name SiNG Party just sounds like some creepy business involving choir boys, and based on my rampant speculation, I have no plans on purchasing this product that I just falsified boxart for. 

Okay, fine. I phoned this one in.

Nano Assault Neo

Yeah, yeah. I know. This is a sequel to Nano Assault, which was a 3DS game about fighting germs, and it was fairly well received. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. What do you expect me to do? Actual research? Yeah, right. I was too busy making this box art for a game that's probably about a bunch of bugs starting a band in space, I guess. Where do I pre-order THAT game, huh?

Family Party: 30 Great Games Obstacle Arcade

As a professional game journalist, do you know what that hardest part of my job is? Well, usually it's explaining to my relatives how telling jokes about videogames is a real job, but right now it's resisting the urge to go home and put a gun in my mouth because Family Party: 30 Great Games Obstacle Arcade is the actual title for a fucking videogame. Numerous people worked on this game for a length of time, designing it, coding it, making sound effects and QA testing it. And someone, presumably in marketing, actually thought Family Party: 30 Great Games Obstacle Arcade sounded like a fun enough name for this product that they're actually trying to sell. 

There's a typo in the Photoshop, and I wrote Family Party: 50 Great Games Obstacle Parade by accident, but it doesn't matter, because an extra twenty games and making it a parade instead of an arcade doesn't change the fact that this game sounds like an Atlus JRPG based on a David Sedaris book.

Funky Barn

I have absolutely not even the faintest idea what this game is about. However, based on the name, I'm really tempted to keep it a secret from myself until it's released, and then lock myself in a storage unit with it, a Wii U, a camera, and a handle of cheap plastic-bottle tequila.

It's 2012, we've got a black President, smartphones, and a robot sending us webcam photos from Mars. How did a videogame called Funky Barn get greenlit, and what is it about? Why is this barn funky? This is what I intend to find out in the depths of my storage locker tequila nightmare hate-tunnel vision quest. 

Funky Barn, you guys. FUNKY. BARN.

Legacy Comments (will be imported soon)

Ronin4life

Are you sure funky barn isn't about... AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC DANCING BARN!!??
O[]O||

Could totally be true. Maybe. Why not.

Anyway, good read.
^_^

tehTommy

I think Niero hiring Max is one of the best things to ever happen to Destructoid.

JynxShot

I like how there is clearly a Kinect in the family party box photo.

Spencer Hayes

Funky Barn needs to be a pastoral game about trying to run a night club in your father's barn without him knowing.

BoomingEchoes

Really want an aneurism? Do this with Anime titles...

Pangloss

Ah yes, one of my absolute favorite games from /v/, except we generally did it with random generator names. Then of course the Wii U launches with a bunch of games that may as well have used that same generator.

@Spencer: I'm pretty sure it needs to also involve competing with your rival John-Bob from down the road, as you try to lure patrons away from his honky-tonk. Like, you hire a skywriter to do a promo for you and ALSO buzz John-Bob's barn, while meanwhile you're back at home playing a minigame where you keep your dad from looking out the window.

Exrecaller

This really made my day, good job Max

Ronin4life

@Booming
Then he should start with "Shinryaku! Ika Musume: the invader comes from the bottom of the sea"

Or "The world God only knows"

...or "bleach"

Mr Andy Dixon

I hope I never accidentally learn what any of these games actually are because I have no doubt that your versions are better.

Now do Square Enix.

moo99

http://cdn4.lvl30.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/funky_barn_wiiu_euro_2d.jpg

BalloonFighter

Max , you'd make a great box art designer for bargain games. Or perhaps 90's PC games box art designer guy.

BalloonFighter

Funky Barn is actually a sequel to the song Funky Town. It's got a lot of hype surrounding it at the moment as well as sexy controversy.

Kibo

I would totally wear Zubaz and a Hypercolor hat to play "Nano Assault Neo". But it needs more keytars!

jettpack

this was great. good job max

PySk

PySk

damnit, too big...

L3ED

So is that ugly Wii U curve-dip-thing really going to be on the cover of every game? I haaaaaate it.

Jeremytroid

I actually kind of want Funky Barn now...

Ronin4life

@Pysk

"...WHOa...O.o"
~Keanu Reeves.

Bishna

50 Great Games Obstacle Parade...lol.

qlum

most of these games will have covers that are just as bad, shovelware ftw.

Steven Hansen

@Bishan: You mean, "Family Party: 30 Great Games Obstacle Arcade"

Jonathan Holmes

When I saw the words "Funky Barn" on the big screen at the Wii U press conference, I freaked the fuck out.

Magog

Funky barn should be a bestiality simulator.

Kakulukia

Please, PLEASE do a full review of Funky Barn. PLEAAAASE!

JHJS4LIFE

FUNK BARN = GOTY

JHJS4LIFE

i meant funky
I MEANT FUNKY

WesFX

I think this misses the "so bad it's good again" mark.

GeneOB

Max locking himself in a dark room with a Wii U, a bottle of cheap tequila, a camera, and Funky Barn?

As a loyal Destructoid reader, I INSIST this become a feature in the future.

Arctic Tabasco

These are great :D

The Funky Barn art is fucking genius. The sneaker ties it all together brilliantly.

phr33kachu

Sorry if you wanted to keep it a secret, but Funky Barn will be a port of the 3DS shovelware Harvest Moon clone: http://www.amazon.com/Funky-Barn-nintendo-3ds/dp/B0078J2HRK

maycausecancer

Funky Barn 2 : Electric Boogaloo

PixelKnot

lol Funky Barn

cockaroach

i would buy funky barn if that were the actual box art

Loren Stump

How does the Wii U have all these shovelware games before it's even out? The last two were hilarious by the way.

Jordan Rodkey

I have no idea how Funky Barn as a title got out of the concept stage.

NeoShinGundam

@Ronin4Life Maybe it's actually about Funky Winkerbean?

redsun

I honestly don't see what the big deal is. If bunches can be funky I don't know why barns can't.

Scissors

That's also the first time I heard Call Me Maybe, then it spread everywhere.

whodatninja

I'm pretty sure Funky Barn would a huge hit!

Niero Gonzalez

JynxShot - Yes.

joybot

you know your morning is off to a slow start the second you realize reading an article like this was a waste of time...

what forum did you grab this from?

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