Flak Magazine: Rejected! Archives

How to Turn 26 Letters into 26 Ways to Blow Someone's Mind! | 07.24.08
Turn the alphabet to your own advantage by knowing its crazy and potentially lucrative secrets! Call now! By Neil Fitzgerald

More Bright Ideas from the New Yorker | 07.14.08
Now that its "Obama as terrorist" cover has proven to be such a big hit, it's time for the weekly magazine to tackle new realms of high satire. By James Norton

My First Hundred Days by Hillary Clinton | 04.24.08
The Unstoppable Killing Machine lays out her agenda. As told to John Flowers

The Christopher Kimballotron | 03.18.08
Can artificial intelligence truly replicate the genius of the legendary Cook's Illustrated editor? You be the judge. By James Norton

NBA All-Stars: Nothing but Neat | 01.18.08
The league completes its reversion to an image even Dr. Naismith could embrace. By Con Chapman

Rams, NFL's Smartest Team, Forget To Make Playoffs | 01.09.08
Sometimes it's tough to convert IQ points into touchdowns. By Con Chapman

2007

Sequels, Defanged | 12.11.07
Who says a feel-bad movie can't have a feel-good follow-up? By James Norton

Pheasants Forever: A Practical Proposal | 11.07.07
When your love of certain game fowl (and hatred of certain other game fowl) transcends time and space. By James Norton

Marcel Marceau | 09.23.07

Hillary Clinton at the Checkout Counter | 09.13.07
Sometimes "cash or credit" really just means "cash or credit." By Aemilia Scott

Then the War Czar Came to the End | 05.17.07
A new patsy for muffin duty. By J. Daniel Janzen

Bush's Hollywood Cabinet: A Proposal | 03.20.07
Putting Fred "Arthur Branch" Thompson in as attorney general is a good start, but there's just so much more stardust to be scattered! By James Norton

America's Next Top Derelict | 01.10.07
One network has finally applied the television ratings game of "race to the bottom" to the world of personal finance. By Adam Rosen

2006

Rummy for Hire | 11.09.06
After the ax falls, the cover letters go out. By J. Daniel Janzen

The Papal iPod | 03.08.06
When His Holiness rocks out, he does it in an extremely organized and thematic manner. By Flak Staff

2005

The Determined Optimist's 2005 Year in Review | 12.30.05
A sunny retrospective glance at some very dark days. By James Norton

New Year's Eve Around the World | 12.29.05
A mind-blowing trans-global tour of the transition from 2005 to 2006. By Aemilia Scott

The Judy Miller/Terrell Owens Cheat Sheet | 11.10.05
Here's your handy-dandy roadmap to two of the hottest folks the in wild world of current events! By J. Daniel Janzen

Harriet Miers's Original Intent | 10.27.05
The first draft of the Supreme Court nominee's withdrawal letter reveals the impact of cultural conservatives, the separation of powers, and Bailey's Irish Cream. By J. Daniel Janzen

Briefcase-Holding Zombie Next Nominee for Supreme Court | 09.16.05
The search for a Supreme Court nominee with ironclad discipline and a clean record reaches its logical conclusion. By Aemilia Scott

Iraq to Deploy Troops to Louisiana, Mississippi | 09.03.05
"The victims of the flood will greet us as liberators." By Aemilia Scott

Aesop in Mesopotamia | 07.26.05
Newfangled fables for the "Mission Accomplished" era. By J. Daniel Janzen

Supreme Court Building Seized by The Home Depot For New Construction | 06.28.05
The newly supercharged concept of eminent domain backfires more quickly than anyone could have possibly anticipated. By Aemilia Scott

The Thinking Man's Rebounder | 05.09.05
Behind the scenes of Kwame Brown's departure from the Washington Wizards on philosophical grounds. By John Kropf

Reality TV Marks VE Day | 05.06.05
In honor of the Allied triumph over Axis forces in Europe, TV executives bring us "Queer Eye for the Teutonic Guy," "Pimp My Panzer" and much, much more. By John Kropf

Tips for a Trump Wedding Guest | 01.26.05
Everything you need to know about attending any or all of the Donald's inevitable future lavish nuptial ceremonies. By Kevin Baker

2004

Dekes for Truth | 08.24.04
A band of fraternity brothers rallies behind President Bush. By J. Daniel Janzen

Me and Dutch | 06.11.04
The world's most famous Young Republican pays tribute to a fallen president. By Alex P. Keaton as told to Bob Cook

Baby Evil Genius | 05.28.04
When you care enough to prepare your child for world domination. By James Stegall

Recycle Hillbillies for Victory | 05.21.04
Saving money while we save the world. By Donald Rumsfeld as told to J. Daniel Janzen

You Won't Have Courier New to Kick Around Anymore | 03.30.04
Hell hath no fury like a font scorned. By Courier New as told to Patrick Quirk

The Real Reason the Bush Administration Has Been Stonewalling the Sept. 11 Commission | 03.12.04
Meanwhile, back at the ranch …. By J. Daniel Janzen

Rumsfeld to Europe: I'm Sorry | 02.10.04
The Bush administration reaches out to its critics. By Donald Rumsfeld as told to J. Daniel Janzen

2003

Highs (and Lows) of the New York Times Highs (and Lows) list of 2003 | 12.30.03
A meta-critical epic starring the old gray lady, two bickering second-guessers, and the towering mountain of culture that 2003 sent hurtling our way. By James Norton

What We Talk About When We Talk About "Mission Accomplished" | 10.31.03
A few things I thought we ought to clear up. By President Bush as told to J. Daniel Janzen

Fit to Serve | 09.09.03
America's lawmakers unite in a battle against pork. But it's not what you think. By Dakota Loomis

Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct (Linguistic) Terrorism | 08.28.03
How to keep that French jibba-jabba from bringing down the republic. By Yonatan Lupu and Luciano D'Orazio

Bobby Dashiell for Governor of California | 08.08.03
It's time to get a young face into the California governor race. By Bobby Dashiell as told to J. Daniel Janzen

Ambassador Tripplehorn to the Rescue! | 07.17.03
A Bush administration foreign policy star is born in Washington.

Homeland Sincerity Advisory System | 06.27.03
For those still struggling to understand Tom Ridge's "rainbow of fear," we present a handy fountain of fraud. By Norman Levin

Low-Yield Nuke Road Test | 05.23.03
Three cheers for American engineering! By J. Daniel Janzen

Battle of the Buzz: Radar vs. Uday | 04.24.03
A hip new magazine takes on a sassy young despot in a knock-down brawl for the media spotlight. May the dishiest one win! By Kevin Baker

The Wolfowitz Memo | 04.14.03
An exciting new action plan for an empire on the grow! By J. Daniel Janzen

The Last Best Hope for Peace? | 03.16.03
A lucrative career in magazine publishing could be Saddam's golden parachute. By Aaron Gell

2002

Citizen Smurf | 12.07.02
Behind this community of loveable little elflike creatures lurks the sinister machinations of the French Revolution. By Luciano D'Orazio

Kissinger's Commission | 11.28.02
Who do you recruit for a post-Sept. 11 commission headed by an international war criminal? By Alissa Rowinsky

Riding the MTA's Love Train | 09.02.02
Taking the "singles car" concept a little further than it should be. By Eric Wittmershaus

Nuzzling Up Against the Cold Hand of Science | 02.19.02
With today's cloning technology, there's no excuse for letting that kitten turn into a cat. By Eric Wittmershaus

Cyrus Vance, in memoriam | 01.18.02
R.I.P. Cyrus Vance: Statesman. Diplomat. Well-regarded author of "Achy, Breaky Heart." By Greg P. Freeman

2001

City Eatery | 11.18.01
A fanciful critic takes on a fancy restaurant. By William Grimes of the New York Times as told to James Norton

Wine I Got Free from Work | 10.31.01
Turns out it's pretty inxotdicating. By Eric Wittmershaus

David Manning's Manifesto | 06.15.01
A fictional film critic finally speaks his mind. By David Manning

The United Kingdom | 03.08.01
They kill us, chop us up, and feed our own brains back to us? And we're the mad ones? Buster the Cow, by way of Eric Wittmershaus

Cheese Steak Sandwich | 03.06.01
This sandwich is very delicious! But potentially deadly. By Dick Cheney's tastebuds and arteries

2000

Proof of Life | 12.08.00
Ever hear of acting, Russel Crowe? By Dennis Quaid

Dancer in the Dark | 10.31.00
This upbeat, snappy musical is tough to beat... and the tunes are infectious! By Pierce Inverarity

Hanson | This Time Around | 06.01.00
We probably should have checked this guy's references more carefully. By Pirate Prentice, President South American Man-Boy Association (SAMBA)

Walking Toward Aurora | 05.11.00
A conflict of interest? This book review may — perhaps — have a tiny one. By Lisa Simon

Waste Meat and Nonsense Songs | 05.07.00
A fantastic, fantastic book. Disclosure: The writer is also the author. By James Norton

American Culture | 05.08.00
You damn kids are totally into a big pile of crap! By an angry, angry James Norton

Hamlet: For the Love of Ophelia | 05.07.00
Hamlet, the way Shakespeare always intended it: With girl-on-girl action. By Jon Stonamer

Elian Gonzalez: The Game! | 04.24.00
Finally... a game that gets you go after everyone's favorite Cuban immigrant. By Tyrone Slothrop