Homeland Sincerity Advisory System
By Norman Levin

Since Sept. 11, 2001, our nation has been at risk to terrorist attacks. Because of this, we will be engaged in the War on Terror for the foreseeable future. Or at least until Nov. 2, 2004, whichever comes first.

To prepare the American people for all contingencies, we're announcing the Homeland Sincerity Advisory System. This five-tiered, color-coded system will alert you when the information you receive, whether from the government or the media, is worth trusting. Beneath each condition are some suggested protective measures you can take for that comforting, but false, sense of sincerity.

1. Green — "Everyday Lies" Condition (Low): Declared when there is a relatively low risk of attacks on the truth. Expect the federal government to be disseminating normal amounts of disinformation. This includes announcements of arrests of "sleeper cell" leaders, "open competition" for Iraq rebuilding contracts and passage of USA PATRIOT Act amendment limiting "politically unhelpful" speech. Major TV networks continue their regular superficial, yet nearly identical, coverage of day's events. Record companies stage commando raids on college students' dorm rooms to confiscate all unlabled CDs, while proclaiming their right to protect intellectual property.

2. Blue — "Little Fibs" Condition (Guarded): Presidential speeches contain 25 percent more usage of the words "evil," "evildoers" and "jobs." White House press secretary hints that Al Qaeda "may have something to do with" outbreak of West Nile Virus. US Supreme Court OKs Florida law restricting "suspiciously hirsute persons" from voting. Top TV news ratings garnered by LPC, the new 24-hour Laci Peterson Channel (formerly the Elizabeth Smart Channel.)

What you can do: Trash all e-mailed petitions, reline your kitchen shelves with Doonesbury cartoons and spend entire weekend watching The Hulk looking for subtle character clues that the green guy is gay. Stock up on toothpicks and Elmer's Glue.

3. Yellow — "Whoppers" Condition (Elevated): Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld warns Syria, Iran, Libya and France that "time is running out." Colin Powell asserts Hans Blix is hiding Saddam's weapons of mass destruction in a Swiss bank deposit box. TV news graphics start using more red and orange than usual. Joe Millionaire chooses Pfc. Jessica Lynch as his bride with Geraldo Rivera officiating the nuptials.

What you can do: Turn off all AM radios, cancel cable or satellite TV subscription, take advantage of new three percent interest rates to refinance your timeshare condo. Stock up on plastic sandwich bags and kitty litter.

4. Orange — "Crying Wolf" Condition (High): Congress passes third annual half trillion dollar tax cut benefiting the top one percent of earners to "jumpstart the economy." President Bush, co-piloting a revamped space shuttle, docks with the International Space Station to thank astronauts for their heroism. NRA comes out in support "right to own a nuke" legislation. Top TV sports ratings go to ASC, the new 24-hour Anikka Sorenstram Channel (formerly the Anna Kournikova Channel.) A Marine singing "Halls of Montezuma" wins "American Idol." Threat condition will be sustained only long enough for the attorney general to personally search your bedroom, scan your hard drive and sniff your ashtrays.

What you can do: Turn off PDAs and cell phones; reformat your hard drive. Stock up on surgical gloves and rubbing alcohol.

5. Red — "Sky Is Falling" Condition (Severe): All US borders are closed and sealed with duct tape. Marines invade Cuba to expand over-crowded terrorist detention center at Guantanamo Bay. As millions die due to worldwide drought and famine, the EPA, with huge fanfare, launches 10-year study of global warming. President Bush declares that the outbreak of "nookylar" war on the Korean Peninsula can be contained by diplomacy. Increase in number of Michael Jackson specials.

What you can do: Nothing. Nada. Sorry, time has indeed run out.

E-mail Norman Levin at norm@primeroad.com.