'No drama, no trauma' keeps relationship fresh

When choreographer Sean Dorsey first spotted musician Shawna Virago in 2001, his first thought was, "Who is that?" The self-described shy guy was intrigued. "She's so sexy and beautiful and those blue eyes," he said to a friend. And then, out of character, Sean, boldly announced, "I'm going to kiss her."

"I wasn't even looking for someone," says Sean, now 37, "and then ... bam!"

Shawna, now 45, had just played a gig and was off to an after-party at Cafe du Nord. She thought the tall, green-eyed Sean was enormously handsome but figured his female companion was his date. When the two met again at the party, Sean was even more nervous and shy. They chatted, and after gleaning Shawna's e-mail for "some business thing," he fled. "You ran down the block!" Shawna jokes.

Their e-mail volley spanned six weeks. Both say they were impressed by each other's wit. "He was so clever and fun," Shawna says. "She had so much gumption," Sean remembers. Finally, Sean mustered his own gumption and called. A date was made for morning coffee where flirty conversation bubbled. That afternoon Sean called for a second date - that night.

"That was it," Shawna says, cozying up to Sean in their south Mission flat. "He's absolutely the sweetest," she adds, affectionately.

"She is," Sean replies.

During the next five years, the two developed a "conscious relationship" where they truly got to know each other. Sean, who was recently lauded by Dance magazine as "one to watch," says that as working artists they gave a lot of thought to the possible ramifications of moving in together. Five years in, they joined households. A "no drama, no trauma" philosophy keeps their relationship fresh and their work lives productive.

"We are constantly working on ourselves," Shawna says, "and we have developed good relationship tools."

Both transgender, they say sharing that experience makes their bond tighter. "We understand where each of us is coming from," Sean says.

In addition to their individual artistic pursuits, both run nonprofits. Sean is artistic director of Fresh Meat Productions, a grassroots arts organization for transgender artists, while Shawna presents Trannyfest, the nation's first transgender film festival.

"The numerical odds were against us," Shawna says. "I just didn't think I would find a partner, let alone one that shares my passion for art and activism and spirituality."

As performing and touring artists, both are busy but make time for hiking and outings to Golden Gate Park. Their Pride festivities mainly centered on Friday's Trans march, but they are grateful to live in "pink San Francisco." Pronouncing their relationship a sanctuary and a fortress, Sean and Shawna say they are grateful to have created their loving partnership in a society where trans people can often feel that they are "unlovable."

"I'm crazy in love," says Sean, and you can tell he means it.

"Young Mr. Dorsey is a miracle," announces Shawna.

Louise Rafkin has contributed to the New York Times and NPR's "All Things Considered." Couple suggestions? Send a story to onthecouch@sfchronicle.com.

This article appeared on page G - 2 of the San Francisco Chronicle