In most relationships, the time to say goodbye usually arrives at one point or another -- unless you intend to walk down the aisle, of course (and even then). You've shared memories that will either make you laugh or cry, and it's time to take your experiences, put them in your back pocket and move on. But somewhere on the road of parting ways couples feel the need to promise to stay friends -- which ultimately leads to more broken promises.
So why can't ex-lovers remain friends? Why is it all or nothing?
comfort zone
Although it would make things much easier in the dating world, relationships rarely see mutual
breakups. One person is usually the heartbreaker, while the other mulls over the breakup and pain for weeks, even months. It's never easy to break up with someone you've shared good times with (and even if they were bad times, they were still times ).
But the person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We'll still be friends, right?" This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex.
i've created a monster
Not only does it give the dumper the comfort of knowing they aren't monsters, but by wanting to remain friends, it also allows the dumper to feel that their former lover will still be in their life, and they won't have to miss having them around.
So now the dumper can move on with their life with ease, and with the pleasure of having coffee with their former mate every so often -- but the ex whose heart was ripped out and chewed up by the person who keeps leaving them friendly messages and e-mail isn't a happy camper.
Obviously, these messages on the machine and coffee dates don't last long, and if they do, they end even worse than the breakup. Yes, being friends with an ex-lover is an impossible feat: find out why.
exes must stay that way
You've Seen Each Other Naked Although it may be possible to have
casual sex with a friend, even this can damage a relationship. As hard as it is to accept, it's difficult to bring a relationship back to its normal state after having been most intimate with someone. You will always have an image of that person naked, and memories of the trysts will always be triggered by the smell of her skin or perfume, or even by hearing a song that you once made passionate love to.
And as thick-skinned as you are, it's hard to see the person in the same light after being entangled in each other's skin and sharing a moment of sheer ecstasy with one another.
Why else can't exes become friends?
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Reader Comments: 157 Posts
Ana wondered how her guy could be friends with an "ex". How he could love her, but not be "in love" with her. Back in high school, a certain guy and I had all sorts of sexual fun. There was a hypnotic chemistry between us... intellectually and sexually. He broke it off and I moved on. I got married. Had children. We're still friends and e-mail regularly. He's friends w/ my husband (whom he's known since kindergarten). My husband was the best man in his wedding last year. He now has a daughter. We live in different states, but still get together for family vacations. Love the guy. There's still chemistry. Not in love with him though. Sometimes I still picture us at 17, acting crazy. But it's just nostalgia. I haven't slept with him in 20 years.
For me....leave the ex's in the past. I believe friendship with ex’s is not healthy and will eventually end in disaster. My most recent experience consisted of being used on a regular basis by a specific woman. She lied and was very deceitful on many occasions. Now she wants to be friends however I have no desire for two reasons; the terrible treatment I received from this abusive person and her addiction issues. I was a fool for ever allowing her into my life and allowing her to treat me the way she did. Did I learn something? Yes....to move on and excommunicate her from my life permanently. Do we choose with who we fall madly in love with and believe that person is our soul mate? No....however we can chose with whom we maintain healthy friendships with.
Well, I read all the post, plus the comments, and I think it's all bullsh**, everyone is different. I broke up with my ex, first love, and first everything in 07, of course at first it hurt, I made her a bad guy, I made excuses why she broke up with me and why we're better off not together, but the bottom line is, we had a good time, we laughed, we fought, and in the end we didn't work out, it's life. And at first we tried being friends, and it didn't work, but after I got over my feelings and moved on(I'm not disagreeing with the move on thing) I actually found that we are great friends and have fun being just friends goin out and doing friend things, of course there's moments that could be awkward, but it comes down to your maturity level and how you can deal with it, but It can be done.
Great read. You can turn a Friend into a Lover but once that threshold is crossed You cannot turn the Lover back into a Friend, at least not right away.
My boyfriend and I broke up the beginning of Nov. didn't speak for about 3 weeks and then we said we wanted to try to work on things. Well that turned into him not talking to me unless he wanted to and if I asked him where we stood he would get irrate. I stopped asking and just let things go there way. Last weekend we where texting back and forth and I asked where he was, his answer "why do you care where I am" so I asked again where we stood. He then told me it was over cuz he didn't want to tell me how he felt. I was ok with it and decided it was time so I just stopped all contact. The next day he started texting getting angry I wasn't returning his texts. He kept saying over and over he wanted to be friends. I finally gave in (I'm an idiot for doing it) So everyone out there "don't do i
I had a mutual break-up with my girlfriend of two and a half years almost a year ago and she continues to call me every once in a while (I think when she is lonely). Then I dont hear from her for a few weeks because I think she dates other guys, but cant find anyone like me. I'm honestly sick of her, but there is a comfort having her there, someone I can talk to. But I've been doing this for a year now, and it has not been worth it...every time I finish talking with her it feels like we just broke up...my advice is to not do it.
I would even go as far as ignoring your ex's calls. I need to wise up and move on. I wish everyone good luck on getting over your ex, but just from experience being friends sucks and it doesn't make the situation any better.
I need help trying to understand this issue. My girlfriend can't leave her ex alone & claim to be friends. Now, I want a future with her & is very much in love with her. But I can't put up with this issue anymore. What should I do? Please help me
My last ex and friends. He brokeup wih me last year and we didn't talk for like 11 months and now we're talking. It's a great idea for me because we have alo in common still like we do some of the things that we used to do like go bowling even though I quit.
I tried to be friends with an exboyfriend who never loved me. I remember past experiences and realized that you never choose who you fall in love with, perhaps the fact that he didnt love me didnt mean he couldnt be a good friend. I was wrong. Objectively speaking, even with my tattered emotions aside, he was never there for me as a friend, everything was always about him and at his convenience. Let me just preface this by saying that he was prom king in high school.
I was never able to end it smoothly because towards the end of our friendship, I was so sick of his overblown ego that I ended up screaming at him like a banshee. He thought it was shocking and sudden - I had been building up resentment for over a year. Yeah, friendships with exes, (and prom kings) don't work.
Its very hard but I know it's possible. The first guy I ever slept with is now one of my greatest guy friends. We've had some major fights within trying to be friends but we always talk it out. In fact we find it easier to talk to each other about other relationships since we know each other in that sense. We meet and hang out with each others significant others and often they have a problem with us remaining friends but we've always put our friendship over a person we were dating. We have messed around since becoming friends but only when we are both single. We do respect if the other person is currently dating someone. We dated for 1.5 years and have known each other for a total of 9 years now. It is rare to become good friends with an ex but it is possible.
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