Cloned Cavemen of Future Brooklyn: The Movie
If you follow my Twitter, you already know I’m very excited about a game called Merchants of Brooklyn. Here are some excepts from the game’s description:
In 3100 A.D., global warming has caused the sea level to rise and engulf the streets of Brooklyn. The land is gone, but society rebuilds the city on top of existing structures, connecting buildings through a network of sky bridges…
To meet the upper city’s demand for laborers, city leaders contract the Brooklyn Institute of Technology (B.I.T.) to clone a new working class…. Neanderthals were chosen as the main focus of the research based on their physical resilience. The city’s contract called for far more Neanderthal clones than were required, causing the excess and sub-standard Neo-Neanderthals to be discarded to the dregs of the city…
…You take the role of an elite Neanderthal fighter with a taste for blood. Having had your arm unwillingly detached from your body courtesy of a chainsaw, your new prototype biomechanical arm transforms into different twisted and brutal weaponry to aid you in the slaughter…
That is quite simply the most awesome description of a game I’ve ever read. It’s so fucking awesome I don’t even dare check out the game itself, because in no way could it ever live up to that description. I can’t look at screenshots or videos or read reviews or anything that might take away from the perfect concept of cloned cavemen building sky bridges in future Brooklyn. No matter what the game actually is, it will never equal the images flooding through my brain.
But I want to do something with this game, so, I’m going to take the only logical step left: I’m going to write a screenplay for the movie adaptation of Merchants of Brooklyn.
And here it is:
THE CLONED CAVEMEN OF FUTURE BROOKLYN
Based on the description of the video game “Merchants of Brooklyn”
Adapted for film by Christopher Livingston
FADE IN:
EXT. BROOKLYN, NY: 3100 A.D.
We see Brooklyn, NY, half-submerged in water. A large, bulky figure stands with his back to us, staring out over the water.
VOICE OVER
My name? Caveman. Jake Caveman. This is Brooklyn.
In the year 3100.
He turns and we see that he is a caveman.
VOICE OVER
You must be wondering why. Why is there a caveman
in the future. I’m starting to wonder myself…
The camera pushes in to JAKE CAVEMAN’S eyes, and we:
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. PENTHOUSE
CAPTION: ONE YEAR AGO
We see THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN staring out of the window of his penthouse atop a skyscraper. He peers down at Brooklyn.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
My beloved city, Brooklyn, of which I am the President.
And it’s covered in water.
A SCIENTIST enters the penthouse.
SCIENTIST
Mr. President? You have to make a decision, sir.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
Fine. What are my options?
SCIENTIST
Well, due to global warming, Brooklyn is covered in water.
We should abandon it.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
No one is abandoning Brooklyn. Not on my watch.
SCIENTIST
The other option would be to build on top of the
existing buildings, and connect the new buildings
with a network of sky bridges.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
Sold. But who will undertake such dangerous work?
We can’t risk the lives of the rich and greedy by
making them build dangerous sky bridges.
SCIENTIST
I would suggest we have robots do it.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
Robots? That will never work. Robots are useless.
What kind of scientist are you, anyway?
SCIENTIST
Okay… How about we clone cavemen and make them do it?
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
To the lab!
CUT TO:
INT. ARENA
JAKE CAVEMAN is fighting another caveman in an arena.
VOICE OVER
By day, I build networks of sky bridges, like all
the other cavemen. By night, I make extra money
by fighting in the arena, like all the other cavemen.
JAKE CAVEMAN kills the other caveman, and the audience, all cavemen, cheer.
VOICE OVER
The more caveman I kill, the further I feel from
the Neolithic Period. But why? What led to this?
The camera pushes in to JAKE CAVEMAN’S eyes and we:
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. PENTHOUSE
CAPTION: THREE MONTHS AFTER ONE YEAR AGO
We see THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN staring out of the window. The SCIENTIST enters.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
How is the network of sky bridges coming along?
SCIENTIST
Incredibly well. As I suspected, cavemen are extremely
adept at building networks of sky bridges.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
So, no problems?
SCIENTIST
Well, we did have a setback. One caveman had his arm
cut off with a chainsaw.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN slams his fists down on his desk.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
Dammit! We were so close to making this work.
SCIENTIST
It’s okay, we have, like, thousands of spare cavemen.
Too many, really. We’ll just get rid of him and replace
him with one of the many, many extra cavemen we have.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
Not on my watch. I want that caveman fixed and back to
work tomorrow. Give him a new robot arm that turns into
different weapons.
SCIENTIST
Whuh, why… why does the arm need to turn into weapons?
He’s just a caveman who is helping build a network of
sky bridges.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
Just do it!!
SCIENTIST
I thought you didn’t even like robots.
CUT TO:
INT. JAKE CAVEMAN’S APARTMENT
JAKE CAVEMAN is making love to FAITH CAVEMAN, a sexy caveman woman.
FAITH CAVEMAN
Oh, Jake… you’re not like all the other cavemen.
JAKE CAVEMAN
You mean because of my robot arm that turns into
different weapons?
FAITH CAVEMAN
No… it’s the way you keep having flashbacks about
the President that you weren’t even there to witness.
Suddenly, a pack of 16th Century Tudor Courtiers bursts into the apartment, brandishing handkerchiefs and cups of tea. JAKE CAVEMAN’s arm turns into a gatling laser gun and he kills the entire pack of 16th Century Tudor Courtiers.
FAITH CAVEMAN
Oh, Jake! You were so brave when you killed all those
16th Century Tudor Courtiers. They’re everywhere these
days. But where are they all coming from?
The camera pushes in to JAKE CAVEMAN’s eyes.
FAITH CAVEMAN
See, you’re doing it again.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. PENTHOUSE
CAPTION: THREE WEEKS AFTER FOUR MONTHS BEFORE A FEW DAYS AGO
We see THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN staring out of the window. The SCIENTIST enters.
SCIENTIST
Sir, we have a problem. The cavemen have stopped
working on the networks of sky bridges and are spending
all their time doing battle with thousands of 16th
Century Tudor Courtiers that are suddenly everywhere.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
Yes… so much violence… but I’m afraid it’s necessary.
SCIENTIST
Sir… do you… do you know something about all these
16th Century Tudor Courtiers?
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
I cloned them. I cloned… all of them.
SCIENTIST
You… you madman! You used my caveman cloning
research, didn’t you? My scientific research on
how to clone cavemen and make them build networks
of sky bridges, and you used it to clone 16th Century
Tudor Courtiers and make them fight the cavemen?
But why? For what purpose?
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
You couldn’t understand. Only… only the President
of a sinking city could understand.
SCIENTIST
I’m shutting it down. All of it! This madness ends here!
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN draws a pistol from his jacket.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
I’m afraid I can’t allow that.
SCIENTIST
No… no!
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN pulls the trigger.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. TOP OF HIGHEST SKY BRIDGE
THE PRESDIENT OF BROOKLYN is standing on the top of the highest sky bridge in Brooklyn. He looks down at his half-submerged, war-torn city, and grins bitterly.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
I thought it was about time we met.
From the shadows, JAKE CAVEMEN steps into view. His robot arm is in the shape of a spiked electro-nunchuck.
JAKE CAVEMAN
I just want to know why. Why cavemen. Why sky
bridges. Why everything.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
I suppose you’re going to kill me now.
JAKE CAVEMAN
The thought had crossed my mind.
JAKE CAVEMAN lunges. THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN spins around and fires a shot from his gun. JAKE CAVEMAN collapses onto the top of the sky bridge.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
You fool. What hope could you possibly have of
understanding this. You’re just a caveman.
JAKE CAVEMAN, bloodied and weak, turns his robot arm into a steam-powered cat-o-nine-tails, but THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN shoots the robot arm and it breaks.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
Did you think I’d forgotten about your robot arm that
can turn into different weapons? Did you really think
I’d forget that?
JAKE CAVEMAN
You did… forget… one thing…
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
And what’s that?
JAKE CAVEMAN
That I have… another… arm.
JAKE CAVEMAN swings his normal arm around and knocks THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN off the edge of the sky bridge. THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN manages to grab onto one of the sky bridge part thingies that juts out, and hangs there by one hand.
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
My mother always said one day I’d be killed by a
caveman on a sky bridge.
He falls hundreds of stories into the water where he is impaled on the pointy part of an old building that is just sticking up out of the water. The building explodes.
JAKE CAVEMAN
That’s gotta hurt.
A horribly shitty rap soundtrack starts playing.
THE END
Wow, wonderful. But I’ll have to disagree with you that “cloned cavemen building sky bridges in future Brooklyn” is the best concept ever. Have you ever heard of a game called “Clean Asia!”, by a guy named Cactus? Description follows.
“The eyes of mankind have decided to leave their hosts and take over the earth. Their first move was to escape to the moon, where they developed their hostile weapons technology. Ten years later, they return and forcefully take over some prominent countries in Asia. Thailand and New Korea have both succumbed to the hostile threat, while China insists on dealing with the eyes themselves and refuses any helping hands from around the world.
America sends a pair of pilot twins with extraordinary sixth senses to battle against the evil eyes. They both have designed their own space ships that seems to be about the only thing in existence that can be used to battle these terrible fiends.”
Your script is a helluva lot better than what little footage I have seen of the actual game. You should make this using Gmod…somehow.
Caveman woman huh?
still, good stuff.
Now see I was expecting Jake Caveman to not be a caveman at all, but to actually BE the president of Brooklyn.
That is quite simply the most awesome film script I’ve ever read. It’s so fucking awesome I don’t even dare view the film itself, because in no way could it ever live up to that script. I can’t look at stills or trailers or read reviews or anything that might take away from the Platonic ideal of this film about cloned cavemen building sky bridges in future Brooklyn. No matter how the film actually turns out, it will never equal the images flooding through my brain.
“Only… only the President of a sinking city could understand.”
The BEST line in the whole thing.
Utter hilarity and greatness. I’m hoping for a winter 2010 release.
Wow, you’ve done it again. I haven’t seen such good writing since the days when you were writing Concerned. I miss Concerned.
I wish I could clone a bunch of 16th Century Tudor Courtiers.
Hey Chris,
I’ve followed you since Concerned. I read 1fort religiously in hopes you might give us another gmod comic with TF2 and was heartbroken when you said it wasn’t going to happen.
Still, I migrated here when you closed up shop at 1fort and continued to follow this Valve/Gaming Update blog thingy you have going.
Never, in all that time, have I felt as compelled to comment on something you’ve written as I am feeling right now.
And my comment is this: “Awesome.”
Cavemen, MOTHERF***ERS!
(Listen up to my sound)
We livin’ here in BROOKLYN
(Take a good look around)
We gotta build SKY BRIDGES
(All over the town)
Ya’ll better HOLD ON TIGHT
(Cause shit’s about to go down)
Woo!
Oh, I noticed there was one thing that that the Steam page forgot to mention about M.O.B…YOU CAN TURN BODYPARTS INTO GRENADES! You have permission to shit your pants.
guy on post b4 from me, i agree. i also searched christopher in his CONCERNED series, and tried 2 email him to no avail. but then, he moved 2 what is my desk. i tried emailng with no avail, agn. then, i heard about 1fort. a chance for a new comci was here! instaed i heard hillarious posts ,and saw the comix livin’ in oblivion, which was great to my opinion.
and then, after a year or so… and after a wide ammount of tags, i am finally here, and shall ask.
whats your email, christopher? or any fan-mail?
and iwll you do 1fort?
if you dont, i wont mind, cause you still are cool.
and the story was hilarios, mayn
you rock!
One word: HILARIOUS. The “A horribly shitty rap soundtrack starts playing” part is the best XD
I would watch the hell out of that movie.
dagda: thats not that bad! i’ll get in touch with eminem and dr dre! my people will call your people!
lmafo. The most awesome script ever. I kind of hoped the President would have adopted his own Caveman, who needs to fight Jake Caveman, and Jake Caveman than kills him with his weapon-hand while The Presitend’s Adopted Son Caveman stops and thinks about what he is doing to his fellow Caveman.
A polite request (not spam)
Mr Livingston, could you please post something on Nondrick? It would be most appreciated. Sorry to be of any bother.
There, Ronseal, who said people can’t be polite on the internet? Take that, bitch! i mean, um, um ,um ,um, crap.
smooth
I would watch this movie. I would watch it SO HARD.
Oh yeah. OH YEAH. OOOOHHHHHH YEEEAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Also if someone rapped that little bit into an mp3 the world would implode with awesome.
[...] 2 game about not so much Merchants as cavemen. Chris has not played or seen it, which makes his screenplay adaptation - Cloned Cavemen of Future Brooklyn: The Movie - all the sweeter. Let’s play a clip: THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN How is the network of sky [...]
Cavemen, MOTHERF***ERS!
(Listen up to my sound)
We livin’ here in BROOKLYN
(Take a good look around)
We gotta build SKY BRIDGES
(All over the town)
Ya’ll better HOLD ON TIGHT
(Cause shit’s about to go down)
Woo!
…
lol
“JAKE CAVEMAN
You did… forget… one thing…
THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN
And what’s that?
JAKE CAVEMAN
That I have… another… arm.”
shit just got real.
….amazing…just amazing
I now have a man crush on you and your story writing abilities
This is extremely silly.
But it is also incredibly serious business!
This, sir, is sheer brilliance. I feel almost inspired to request the rights and create a short film right away. I’ll have to get back to you on that.
I sent this to my buddy in Park Slope, next to Brooklyn’s Prospect Park, and he replied: “Cavemen and skybridges? You’d think they could use some imagination! This is supposed to be a fictional world, not a damn documentary.” He then proceded to tell me that there really is a president of Brooklyn. Who knew?
Which reminded me that the movie didn’t mention “Get yer Robo-arm off me, you damn dirty ape-man!” even once.