For all you who think all Wall Streeters are evil and bonuses are just wrong. I am a mom of 3 DCs worked for 18 years on WS, last as a MD, last few years made $1-1.5MM including bonus (although about 40% every year in stock). Got laid off while preg with #3, now unemployed and will only get $150K this year in severance if I don't find another job. I don't ask anyone to feel sorry for me, but I will start digging into savings this year if I don't find a job. I think that this is just the nature of wall street, boom and bust, and I am fortunate enough to have planned so I don't have to make immediate changes, but if I can't find a job that makes $500K in a year or so I will have to. I never was involved in mortgages, hedge funds, did hel...
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[-]How long have you been UBing? Any old timers on tonight? From the old broccoli pancake, Ayelet Waldman days?
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[-]did anyone use the bugaboo bassinet instead a real basinett/cosleeper/etc? did you some sort of stand or just roll the stroller into your bedroom? thanks!
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[-]I have a very energetic 18 month old daughter who is very sensitive. Anytime I (or daddy) say no she throws herself backward and hits her head on the floor - HARD. She does it all the time. I have gotten advice to ignore it - it doesn't work. She actually hurts herself because she falls straight back - not onto her butt and then onto the floor. You can hear the 'thud' from her head hitting the floor. I'm worried about her getting seriously hurt or getting a head injury. Any advice on how to stop this before she gets hurt or gets a concussion. TIA
1 reply [ Reply | Watch | Options ]my dd was like this...you need to get her to carpeting if you see a tantrum coming on..never let her keep banging her head. we would say dd I see you are really upset and that you are having a big feeling about not getting to xxxx and keep recongnizing the upset or anger..but making sure she does not hurt herself..we saw a shrink cause the tantrums got bad and she would get physical..this type of technique worked. please protect the head and her body
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[-]I confess, I spanked my DS twice this weekend. I never thought I'd do this, but he has been impossible lately and it just happened. I feel terrible.
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I feel really bad. He's almost 3, so am hoping he won't even remember...Dh also lost it with him once, though did not spank. I find this age very trying....
[ Reply | Options ]You need to get over the guilt. Spanking is often the only appropriate means of discipline.
[ Reply | Options ]he gets on these jags, doesn't listen, and then laughs when you try to talk to him about his bad behavior. And he's 3!
[ Reply | Options ]I spanked my children when I felt they needed it just like my mom spanked us when we needed it. I don't hate my mother for making me mind just the opposite, lets face it "time outs" are not working. Kids have little to no respect for their parents these days. They used to take kids out to the barn and use a switch on them. There is a big difference between spanking and beating. You have to remember not to strike your child out of anger but rather as a teaching mechanism. Spanking in anger can get out of hand and can become a beating.
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When you feel like that, you have to walk away. You can't hit your child. And he will remember,btw
[ Reply | Options ]It concerns me that many of us were brought up that spanking was OK, but our generation scolds those who would consider it like they are cave people. There is kind of a disconnect here. My DH, for ex., doesn't care what I say re disciplining & is not about to p/u a book on the topic, so just goes w/ what his parents said/did to him. He threatens DCs with slapping/spanking & has locked kids in bathroom. I know it is silly to have expectations of public schools to step in here, but I feel like I am not alone & that there are many parents living with this legacy who meed to be "retrained" about discipline. DCs' school for ex. has many families from vary traditional cultures, recent immigrants, so I would think maybe there other families where ...
[ Reply | Options ]This is usually how spanking happens...you just run out of options and can't think straight. It's not the end of the world, but it's also very healthy to feel bad about it. Try to think calmly about how to handle it next time, and avoid it.
[ Reply | Options ]NP That sounds like good advie. Def not the way to go but obviously easy to lose our cool. OP for what it is worth had a friend really struggling w/her ds at around this age and actually saw a social worker to brainstorm some ways to come up with discipline as well as positive reinforcement, she said it helped incredibly, so perhaps you can look in to this for you (very short term, like 6 sessions or whatever....)
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i was spanked all the time as a child, as were my sisters, as were our friends, what is so wrong with it? I don't associate spanking with beating your child, there is a definite line there...
[ Reply | Options ]get the Ames book: Your 3YO. seriously. it's short, to the point, and I always found that when I understood why they were acting that way, it made me a lot more patient with the behavior. you have to remember, he's just trying to figure out his role in life and that involves pushing back. it's normal for that age
[ Reply | Options ]I know you feel badly or you wouldn't be on here 'confessing' but it seems from your post that there is a part of you that knows it's wrong. 'Spanking' seems to be a word that we use to excuse that fact that you HIT a child. You HIT your own child. What would you say or now what will you say to that same child that goes to the playground and expresses his frustration by hitting another child? As the poster said above - read the books, walk away - have something in place that will give you just that brief moment to let the anger and frustration pass so that you are not physical with your child.
[ Reply | Options ]it is understood that children are forming their own personalities. You also have to remember that too much liberty will have the opposite effect you are hoping for. You can punish your child, spank them it sets the boundaries appropriate for that age. As they get older and they can really understand your explainations the punishment is adjusted according to their age and comprehension. Do you not see the difference in the generations? My mother respected her mother as I respect my mother and my children respect me. I laid down strict rules guidelines for my children because I was the adult. You have children striking their parents these days and threatening to call the state on them if they say or do something the child doesn't like...
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[-]I need to change my karma or my luck or my...something. People- friends, acquaintances, lady at the grocery store keep asking when I will have a 2nd child. We canNOT afford it. Do I actually tell idiots this? I have tried- "when wea re ready" and I hear that if we "work hard and budget" we can do it. Quite simply we can't and I am very sad.
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In a profession where I am alledgedly raking it in... but of course that is just a stereotype. Most of us are NOT
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Oh! Well, I have gotten to the point where I smile and say "We're saving up. Care to make a contribution? Otherwise, please be less rude."
[ Reply | Options ]I can imagine how frustrated you are. You are doing the responsible thing and waiting so that you can provide for your family. Have you thought about just telling them that you feel with the economy what it is that having more than one child would be irresponsible and see if that shuts them up.
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We'd always decided to have an only child so when people would make comments about a second, I would say something like "Why mess with perfection?"
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I know it is an annoying question. But do you really think anyone is asking it with bad intentions?
[ Reply | Options ]Oh, people ask us and it's tough. I had a miscarriage 6 months ago and now it looks like we might need IVF. Sore subject for me. I wish I could tell them to shut up or just tell them I miscarried and put them in their place.
[ Reply | Options ]Why can't you tell them you miscarried, I am sure it is painful for you to mention but it may spare you and someone else the hurt this is causing. I never did ask my daughter when she was going to have another baby. She came to me and asked my opinion when they started thinking about having another child. I actually advised her to stop at one. I had two children and always felt disappointed in myself for not being able to provide for them. My brother had one child and didn't have the same struggles.
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[-]I have a lot of guilt. I'm an ivy league-educated lawyer who always imagined myself juggling a competitive, demanding job with raising a happy family. Now that I'm a mom I find that I want to spend a maximum of 15 hours a week working so that I can spend more time with my two children (oldest is 2 y.o. and second is due this spring). I also want time to do things that I enjoy - like exercising to stay in shape, cooking healthy meals for my family, reading great books and gardening. I feel like I've turned into a wannabe 1950s housewife and will ultimately disappoint myself and my peers, but my desire to drop out of the competitive career path I've chosen is profound. DH is also disappointed and concerned about losing nearly half our fa...
69 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]You are me! Except IANAL. I don't want to go back to work, & DH just isn't sympathetic, even though it's not a $ issue. I'm afraid of what it will do to my marriage, but going to the office is killing me.
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Turn it around. How would YOU feel if DH suddenly decided he did not want to work anymore and wanted to stay home with the kids? I understand you want to spend time with your children, but DH is a part of the family too and his opinion counts. It's not really fair of you to pinch the family's way of life so you can be with the kids the few years they need you at home. THe likelihood is you won't be able to get another job at the income level you're at now if you drop out now.
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It's so normal to feel this way at this stage of your life. Your priorities are shifting and it can make you feel stressed and confused. As a SAHM who gave up a rewarding creative career I will say that your 1950s fantasies are just fantasies--this job is no picnic either. It can be boring, hard, lonely and demoralizing. That said, it is absolutely your prerogative to seek the balanced life you want.
[ Reply | Options ]I personally would feel guilty if I were in your situation - you spent a lot of (your or parent's) money on those degrees and it's all for naught. If your DH is already disappointed, it's not going to get any better. He'll start to resent you for taking the easy life and leaving him to bring in the money alone.
[ Reply | Options ]Caring for children and running the home is not "taking the easy life." I've done both and, in our case, our family (including DH) has benefited from my choosing homemaking over a finance career. We reduced our lifestyle to live (and save) on one income and it's worked out great. Don't feel guilty, but make sure you reduce your overhead and take care of DH so he can enjoy the benefits, too.
[ Reply | Options ]I do consider it the easy life compared to working but still successfully taking care of your kids, home, husband. My mom was my role model for this. My other SAHM relatives (aunts, older cousins, grandmother) admit it's a much more relaxed life.
[ Reply | Options ]I respectfully disagree. I could spend countless hours just reading up on waht stage of her intellectual, emotional deleopment my dd is on. Let alone time spent on differnt play activities, cooking and cleaning. AND when i was home with her those first 9 mos- i took her out- to class, museums, visting family and freinds. I was exhausted and I always felt like I was behind. I still do. Just "teaching" how to share is a 100 hr (more) endeavor.
[ Reply | Options ]np: i think in the long run it can definitely be more relaxing. i guess my question would be why is it a bad thing for someone to want a more relaxing life. i'm not talking about the moms who marry money so they can sit and play tennis all day. but why is it bad to say 1. i'm tired of the rat race and 2. i have something better to do with my time (being home with my kids more) and the two combined can be the right decision. why keep a stressful job and a stressful lifestyle just b/c you spent a lot of money on the education and you thought it would be what you wanted?
[ Reply | Options ]nnp: I had a career & became a SAHM mom. It is easier even tho I take my job as parent as seriously as anyone. My life is nice. But poster above comments interest me. I do feel like my WOHM friends look down on me. You only live life once so isn't it stupid not to enjoy it as much as you can. I feel like my friends think they are noble & I'm a throw back because I'm not spending my life in a frenzy.
[ Reply | Options ]I think it is harder to be at home! You can feel isolated, a child requires an incedible amount of patience. money is the only thing that keeps me from being home with my dd. i cannot imagine looking down on a SAHM. being a mom is the best and hardest job I have ever had. and I have worked 80 hr weeks back to back. i guess everyone is differnt but I dont see what is noble abt being part of teh frenzy. I guess it can be but it is all about what you like- some moms like that, some moms dont.
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What I don't get is why do woen think these choices are some kind of entitlement? Your husband doesn't think he has that choice.
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you shouldn't feel guilt over this. i don't know why we think that our goals at 20 or 25yo (when you were choosing a profession and before marriage and kids) are more important than your desires/goals/ideals now. instead of feeling guilty, you should do some hard thinking about what your goals are (long term and short term), what your financial needs and wants are, and what your dh's goals and financial needs/wants are. You also need to separate issues. instead of worrying that you will "disappoint your peers" (who cares?) and that you're turning into a "wannabe '50s housewife", why don't you focus instead on what's important to you instead of whether you are falling into a stereotype. signed, total stereotype who did it by choice and...
[ Reply | Options ]Wow, this obviously hits home for a lot of us here, & I'm one of them. I'm a doctor & ironically I have a 3 y.o. & I'm due early summer w/my 2nd. I always was competitive, had a lot of drive/ambition & then I had my first child & I care more about being a mommy than climbing up the professional ladder. But I'm 42 y.o... I don't know how old you are but I don't feel that guilty about it & somehow I've attributed that to my age (not sure if it's true or not). But I gave my 30's completely to building my professional self successfully, why not give my 40's to building my family. I certainly waited long enough. However, we don't have the luxury for me to completely leave work & be on one salary so I do need to work part-time. The strug...
[ Reply | Options ]I am you. I am a doctor with 2 DCs who went PT when 2nd was born and have slowly become a SAHM. I am older too o/w I wouldn't have had the courage to do it. I would have felt I disappointed my peers, wasted a seat, etc. But being older I just decided life is short & I can't ruin my own life because of this. I do feel enormous guilt still & maybe I'm projecting but I think people do look disapproving many times. Still, I love my life & wouldn't change it for the world. Part of it is that there aren't many doctors who give up their careers.
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I am in th every same boat (ivy, lawyer), except only one child and DH is supportive. His support is currently only in theory, because he does not yet have a job, but I wanted to say that you are not alone, and that finding that balance will beneficial to the whole family, including your husband. I do have loans, however, so I am stuck doing this a while longer.
[ Reply | Options ]i totally know where you're coming from. i realized after dc1 that i was not that professionally ambitious and that while i still want to woh (and would not make a great sahm), i don't want to work as many hours and i really want to be a hands on mom and still have a minute for myself. w dc2, this has intensified. i'm lucky to have a flexible job so i'm able to take time for the kids when i want to, but now have little time for myself and it's a struggle. i do need to work financially and i do want to work, but ideally, i'd prefer to work about 20-25 hours/week - say 3 days and have 2 at home.
[ Reply | Options ]Can you push really hard for 4 days / week or part-time work? It won't completely solve the problem, but it will help a little bit. And good luck! Remember that all of us are struggling with these issues, no one has the perfect answer and you've just got to figure out what's best for you and your family right now.
[ Reply | Options ]I get it completely. I think the hardest part is if your dh is not on board. Let go of the guilt for awhile if you can. You will both be a little overwhelmed when #2 comes along. If you feel really strongly about remaing sahm, I would suggest a family therapist so you and dh can go through it with a 3rd party. It may not be possible financially (or not in a way you can live with), but I think it's a good exercise. Come up with something you can live with--and that may mean dh taking on more childcare responsibilities, which may be something he has not considered realistically. gl
[ Reply | Options ]NP: This is first and foremost your life. Do you want to live it how you want to and go with the ebb and flo.....maybe you will have a strong desire to return in a few years. Do you want to be part of a larger movement or do you want to live your life in the moment? Lastly, ask yourself will you be sad when your dc's are 8 or nine and spending large portions of the day away from you and with friends/sports/hobbies that you did not spend the early years, when they're pretty needy( sometimes overwhelmingly so)? BTW, now that dcs are 8 and 6 I am so oooooo ready to go back to work.
[ Reply | Options ]I had the best education I could possibly imagine, had some lucrative jobs (and some not), never really found something I loved and wanted to stick with. Am now SAHM with #2 on the way...I don't want things to be different, but constantly feel like I failed to live up to my potential, and I am less interesting than the woman dh married. Am terrified of what will happen in 18 years when the nest is empty. Who will I be?
[ Reply | Options ]Am ivy, biglaw lawyer here as well -- what ultimately worked for me was a part-time schedule, which I think that you should consider, if there your current firm would allow it. It's an ideal situation for me -- I'm around enough to cook healthy meals, take dc on playdates, etc. while also maintaining my credentials, work experience, etc...
[ Reply | Options ]this is a syndrome that's becoming more and more common and is so rarely addressed. i feel like i was so inundated with information when i was pregnant, but nobody ever told me about that my ambition to be a great editor/writer would be so diminished. i feel like i checked my ambition at the door to the hospital. but, i'm working part-time now and freelancing a little on the side and i LOVE it. i feel like i'll keep one foot in the game and maybe get back to my career ambitions when my kids are older or try something else.
[ Reply | Options ]So many women lawyers find themselves in this situation (and non-lawyers too!). For me, the answer was getting a govt job. Stable, predictable hours & paycheck; interesting work; good balance. After I had my first db, I realized that for me, there was absolutely no way to continue in a big firm as a mom and be happy. And when you have #2, it's only harder.
[ Reply | Options ]I'm disappointed too. You wasted someone else's slot at your Ivy. You could have attended The University of Cupcakes, if you wanted stay home. If you were a man people would tell you to suck it up....so...suck it up.
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No, she's right! She says she and her DH earn roughly the same amount. Can you IMAGINE if a DH came on here saying he would rather just stop working and do more things he enjoys and he doesn't understand why his wife is "disappointed" and not 100% on board with this plan? What sort of response would he get?
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I am surprised that so many of you seem to see a liberal arts education as some kind of technical-vocational credential for high-income jobs. Limited and sad point of view.
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You are me, and this is not forever. Your dcs will benefit from their well-educated and thoughtful mother, and if your desires change you can revisit and re-enter. This is not a practice life, and it's up to you to make it work in the way you want.
[ Reply | Options ]I am working in a stressful job that pays very well. My dd is 4. I am totally obsessed with her. The funny part is that I don't need to work. DH is independently wealthy. I am doing it because I like it. Go figure.
[ Reply | Options ]Your education and background will not go to waste if you change paths. They went into making you "you" - and you have options. Making it in big law means that you are tough, smart, and have some serious stamina. Watch that old 80s movie "Baby Boom" and see if you get any ideas;) Also, can you be Of Counsel and reduce your work schedule? What about teaching at one of the law school or pre-law courses at an undergrad? What about legal recruiting instead?
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I am not a lawyer but think you should look into a firm called Axiom. On lafayette or Spring, somewhere east and downtown. The firm makes it possible for lawyers, many are women, to work and have flexibility, instead of being on the billable hours hamster habitat treadmill. Sigh. I have 2 kids, 3yo and 7mos, work full time as an editor but never have to work late, and wish i used my ivy degree to go farther and be more successful than i am now, at age 40. but i'm loving being a mom, would love to work 4days/wk, and am starting to plot a way toward that goal in 2-3 years. Frankly, I truly feel like a 50s housewife because i am totally supporting my DH to become the best at his job so he can rescue me from mine with a big fat payday when his ...
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[-]Opinions about Albee Baby in NYC? They have furniture I like but concerned about customer service... they were sorta scary in the store.
5 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]avoid on the wkends. In general, have had good luck with them. If you live on the UWS, it's worth buying there and establishing a relationship. If they get to know you, they are great. You can call them on the phone, give them a credit card, and they will deliver, which comes in handy when you have a new baby.
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[-]I feel as if I'm constantly threatening my 3 yo ds to get him to do anything. I don't like the way it works. (EG. You can't do x until you clean up y. or You can't have a treat unless you finish lunch. etc.) Any suggestions for turning this around to be positive? I'm at a loss.
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[-]What do you think about a soccer themed bday party for 3 year olds? They do games..and an intro to soccer.
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[-]WWYD? 40 years old, FSH 16.9, AMH undetectable. Going to do first IVF cycle soon. Should we choose Dr. Davis at Cornell or Dr. Surrey at CCRM?? Love Dr. Davis, think Cornell's practice is totally chaotic; loathe Dr. Surrey (and nurse whose been assigned to me)--negative and patronizing--but can just tell the practice and the lab is run like an atomic clock. We're upstate, so would have to travel either way, although my mother and best friends are in NYC (and I was born in NY Hospital).
2 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]I would go with Cornell but only because I've heard so much about their success rate with women over 40 and high FSH. They also do the co-culture. I would recommend NYU. They are a lot less chaotic and a lot of their REs started at Cornell back in the day, but they will not take a patient with an FSH of 13 or higher. Ugh. I've heard mixed reviews about CCRM.
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