Your search for "marriage" returned the following 59778 results:
Displaying results 1 to 25 sorted by recency. Sort by relevance.
[+] will Catholic church baptise child of Catholic mother, Jewish father who were not mar... 36 replies
- the church asks that those involved in raising dc commit to doing so in the catholic church. what is wrong with that? other religions have similar requirements involving marriage, etc. you need to go f&ck yourself....
Talk : : February 15, 2009
will Catholic church baptise child of Catholic mother, Jewish father who were not married in a church?
36 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.15.09, 05:26 PM [ Flag ]i would be surprised if it would.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np. i am not catholic and i did not marry dh, a catholic, in a catholic church. db was baptised in a catholic church.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]wow - i am surprised. my sister (who converted to cath. couldn't even ask me (episc) to be a godmother to her children!
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you have to have catholics as godparents. that has nothing to do with other parent's religion.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]just one godparent has to be catholic
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]that is funny that they would care more about the religion of the godparent and while disregarding the religion of one of the parents.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]the non-catholic parent has to agree to raise the dc catholic.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]well, just for argument's sake, a godparent could do the same. i hate that some crazy friend of my sisters is a godparent to my niece and nephews and the friend doesn't ever go to church or confession or anything.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i'm not sure i see your point. the parents are raising db, unless (god forbid) something happens to them, and they must agree to raise db catholic. the godparents can't do "the same" unless called upon to do so in extreme circumstances.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]the parents are the frontline of how the child will be raised. it is questionable if one of the parents isn't catholic that the child will be raised catholic.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]it is even more questionable that the godparents would have any influence.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]so happy i am not catholic.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]so happy i'm not a jew.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]if you are aiming that at me (the poster just above), i am espicopalian, not jewish.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i'm pointing out how bigoted your comment is. so glad i'm not episcopalian. btw.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i used to think that. but the more i've experienced the catholic church and the more i've seen dc shaped by its values, the more i realize i came to it with a lot of pretty icky preconceptions. it still seems a little mysterious to me, but i would never make a comment like yours. raised prod, btw.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]bigoted? that I am not good enough to be a godparent to my sister's child just because i am not catholic? you need to step off.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]the church asks that those involved in raising dc commit to doing so in the catholic church. what is wrong with that? other religions have similar requirements involving marriage, etc. you need to go f&ck yourself.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]so a religous community that undervalues women is good for shaping your child's values?
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]wow - is that what the church teaches you? have another vino honey.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i'm not happy with everything that comes out of rome. but the church dh belongs to welcomes gays, has a woman cantor, etc. i don't really understand how the whole we're-catholic-but-we-ignore-the-pope thing works, but it's working for us. every religion has its good and its bad, imo. but if you can find one where the good outweighs the bad, it might be worth following.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]but catholics are such bad singers. baptists rock!
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]have another glass of bitters. witchypoo.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
non-catholic god parents wasn't an issue for us
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Posted below. Requirements vary by parish. Some require both Gparents be Catholic while others require none and still others care only that they're Christian.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^require ONE, not none
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]well, i guess technically they could be merely christian, but they have to agree to raise dc as a catholic.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
yes, but you are committing yourself to raising your dc in the catholic church. is your jewish dh ok with that?
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Really depends on Parish priest. Some are very picky and others aren't.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes they will
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, but you will need the consent of the non-Catholic parent. DD was baptised, I am Catholic, DH is Quaker, we were married in a Quaker ceremony. FWIW, I was baptised, my mother is Jewish and my father is Catholic (married in a Catholic church).
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 05:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Definitely, our priest didn't ask a single question!
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]what is with the hate above??? is that how the catholic church spreads its word? by telling people to "fuck themselves"? wow.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]sorry, but the hate started with the bigoted poster who bragged how glad she was she wasn't catholic and told the other poster to "step" (f*ck) off.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i see that - hard to decipher when it gets all lined up like that.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 06:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] I am a Divorced Mom. I am dating my BF for over a year. He is GREAT to me and my ki... 17 replies
- .I don't want to marry you, have no intentions of marrying, but I want you to pine away for my hand marriage until the day you die. He probably does want to remarry, but he doesn't want to remarry with you....
Talk : : February 15, 2009
I am a Divorced Mom. I am dating my BF for over a year. He is GREAT to me and my kids. Kind, generous... He used to talk about getting married all of the time. Last night I mentioned it. He said the idea scares him. He says he does want to be with me forever. He is Divorced with no kids. Funny thing is I really don't want to get married either. It just really bothers me that he no longer does. Any feedback?
17 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.15.09, 05:54 AM [ Flag ]How did you find a guy without kids that is open to yours? i can't seem to meet a guy that wants that. Esp my dc is 5. Maybe yours are older?
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 07:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]The writing is on the wall, and clearly this guy has one foot out the door. Too bad you let him into your kids' lives and hearts as they're about to get crushed again. Way to go, divorced mom!
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 07:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's always a pleasure to read a response with such heart and humanity.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 08:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]well, as someone whose mother brought home a series of "great" boyfriends, and all the drama associated with the breakups, I'm just telling her what she already knows. Heart and humanity my ass -- the losers in this are her kids.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 08:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]So she should become a hermit? Nun is not an option, since I'm pretty sure they don't accept women with kids.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 08:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]how's this? keep the revolving door of men AWAY FROM THE KIDS!!! She says she doesn't want to get married -- why put her children through all that?
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 08:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Actually, I do know one woman who says women who divorce should stay completely single until the children are adults. I don't know her view on divorced men. Seems extreme to me.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 09:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OK. Though your delivery is way too harsh, especially the sarcasm in your initial reply, you've pretty much turned me around on the substance of this one. If she has no intention of remarrying, keeping the guys out of her kids' lives could be a good idea. But saying stuff like "way to go, divorced mom!" sure makes it seem as if you're just trying to make her feel bad, as opposed to actually convince her of the merit of your views. So I do stick by my heart and humanity comment.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 09:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree with this post. Go for "Lorelai Gilmore" rather than "Loretta Stimson" and your kids will thank you for keeping additional drama out of their lives.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 09:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^ Which is interesting since right now you're Phoebe Buffay and he's Mike Hannigan (yes, I watch too much tv)
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 09:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have no idea what you're talking about. I must be way more ignorant of pop culture than I thought.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 09:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
It's hard to see what to read into this -- Either he's backing off, or he's finally internalizing your anti-marriage stance, and lining up his feeling with yours. It's kind of hard on a guy -- and unfair -- for you to want him to want to marry you while you don't want to marry him. In fact, to look at it a bit more negatively, your standoffishness in the face of his desire to marry you could over time be affecting him and putting up a barrier. The one thing I know is that this on its own is not enough to go on to make a real interpretation.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 08:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree. I don't see how OP, who basically rejected this man's idea of possibly remarrying, expects him to feel the same way about marry her as time passes. She said she didn't want to remarry, and guess what, he believed her and moved on. Her ego is bruised. She thought he would always want to marry her no matter what. To me that's abusive....I don't want to marry you, have no intentions of marrying, but I want you to pine away for my hand marriage until the day you die. He probably does want to remarry, but he doesn't want to remarry with you.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 09:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well put. Combine this with comment above re bringing temporary guys into kids' lives, and I think the OP needs to do some intensive self-examination, maybe with a therapist.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 10:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]How do you know she rejected the idea of remarrying? Maybe they hadn't discussed it until now.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 10:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]1. She says "HE" used to talk about getting married. 2. She writes: "I really don't want to get married either." She also says "It just bothers me that HE no longer does." So what she's looking for is for HIM to want it. It's hard to read it any othe rway.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 10:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Her pots says, he use to talk about getting married all the time...was he simply talking to the stuffed animals? I assume he was talking with OP about remarrying, even if it were a casual, passing conversation. She knew he wanted to get remarried, possibly to her, and she wasn't interested. I say if dude wants to get remarried, he needs to dump OP and move on, because she's either playing games, not interested, or is interested and needs to woman-up and tell him that she would consider marrying him.
[ Reply | Options ]02.15.09, 10:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Do you remember me? I am the Mom who was debating moving to Florida with 2 kids while... 7 replies
- ITA. I think your kids will see their dads more, and who knows, maybe your marriage will improve in a weird way. I mean, when you see him you will probably have real time together, as opposed to the hour before you both collapse in bed in front of American Idol, exhausted and stressed trying to make your 5 year old...
Talk : : February 13, 2009
Do you remember me? I am the Mom who was debating moving to Florida with 2 kids while DH works 50% of time in NYC here (do you remember me?). I have fam in florida, and we found an apt for 1000 (quite nice!) so...we're moving to Florida in 6 weeks. A bit worried. But reading the post about the return of the Great Depression makes me realize that we might be making the right choice. Both DH and I are self-employed (i am a graphic designer with a reasonable amt of work) and he is an arts dealer, also self-employed. He needs to be in the city part of the time for clients, etc and has a cheap place to stay. We'll be saving over 50% of our monthly expenses, and that includes him flying down 2-3 times a month. It's not ideal; we know that. But we both want out of NYC and while we didn't expect it to happen this way, we are accepting of it. As time passes, he will need to be in the city less and less, so things will get better for us. In some ways, I wonder if it will be better for us as a family: when he's in FLorida he won't work much and will be really able to BE with us instead of constantly working late, me wondering when he's getting home, if he's going to work weekends....anyway, thought i'd update the ub-ers who posted on the last thread a couple months ago.
7 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.13.09, 05:26 PM [ Flag ]every family is different--good luck!
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 05:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Good Luck to you! It seems that you are being realistic. My DH works late 3-4 times a week, I'm practically a single Mom anyway, at least you'll be better off financially.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 05:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]that's what we're thinking. It's a TOUGH choice, seriously. But when he's home, he'll really BE HOME. Moms whose husbands work til 9 or 10 ever night, and weekends too, will know what I mean. It will be a serious adjustment for my kids, and I worry for them. But kids are resilient and if we are positive, i think they will be too. Plus, for the first time in our adult lives, we won't be struggling to pay our rent, our bills, etc and we might even SAVE MONEY...wow! I don't know. Some people say we're crazy. But I think of it as the reverse of Mexicans who send their fathers/husbands up to nyc to get work...(but of course they rarely see their kids, so it's not a great comparison)...instead, we (mom and kids) are moving somewhere cheaper while DH works in the city and comes down 2 weeks every month.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 05:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]wow you really need us to validate your decision.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 05:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]maybe i do.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 05:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Honestly, If I didn't have all of my immediate family near me, I would move elsewhere. Your kids will probably see their Dad a lot more than mine do and he won't be so stressed. We are always wondering how we are going to survive. Saving $$$ is a joke, my parents can't imagine living the way we do, financially speaking, they always had savings, we just can't, and it wears you down....
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 05:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. I think your kids will see their dads more, and who knows, maybe your marriage will improve in a weird way. I mean, when you see him you will probably have real time together, as opposed to the hour before you both collapse in bed in front of American Idol, exhausted and stressed trying to make your 5 year old's tuition payments, rent payments, Master's Club payments, etc...
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 05:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] My DH had an afrair during the time I was dealing with thyroid cancer last May, June.... 23 replies
- for forgiving him. If you think you can do that, and you want your marriage to work, do the usual things (counseling, etc.)...
- Angry, sad, hurt and betrayed. Totally devasated, because his first marriage ended when he found out his wife was having an affair. When asked how he...say being the spouse of a cancer patient. The only time in my 20 year marriage that I've been really tempted to cheat was when dh was enduring surgery...
Talk : : February 13, 2009
My DH had an afrair during the time I was dealing with thyroid cancer last May, June. On d-day he refused to end all contact with her. Now he wants a chance to make it right. I'm torn and need advice.
23 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.13.09, 02:33 PM [ Flag ]I'm really sorry. I don't know if I could forgive him.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Send him packing. It's not worth years of mistrust.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]my family and friends have given me the same advice. Thank you
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Sadly, the hardest part is not forgiving him. The hardest part will be forgiving yourself for forgiving him. If you think you can do that, and you want your marriage to work, do the usual things (counseling, etc.)
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have been struggling with forgiving myself for forgiving him because I don't think it will be a one time thing.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you've been married 21 years? was this not the first time? or was it more the fact that he did it when you were sick?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 03:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't know of any other time.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 03:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]then why do you think it won't be a one-time thing?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 03:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Sorry, what's d-day?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]The day I discovered he was having the affair
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Wow. that's really terrible. how do you feel about it?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Angry, sad, hurt and betrayed. Totally devasated, because his first marriage ended when he found out his wife was having an affair. When asked how he would handle this same issue with me, he won't answer.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Mine gave me an STD. I found out about his affair a few weeks before. I hate him.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Is he gone?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Ha. No.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 03:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Why does he want to make it right now? Did she end the affair? He's had these months to say he wants to make it right. I'm not sure if you'll ever be able to trust him again. You'll always be wondering if he's cheating. I'm really sorry.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]He claims that he realizes how important I am to him after 21 years of marriage. He claims he ended the affair and she has moved on to pursue her life with her boyfriend. He told me after I d-day he knew it won't work between the two of them.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I wouldn't just throw away 21 years. Although facing down cancer is an unbelievable ordeal, I can speak from experience and say being the spouse of a cancer patient. The only time in my 20 year marriage that I've been really tempted to cheat was when dh was enduring surgery and treatment for cancer. It's no excuse, but I would at least try counseling
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 03:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^sorry, being the spouse of a cancer patient holds its own special challenges
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 03:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Tell me why you felt tempted during his surgery and treament, maybe I can understand his acitons
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 03:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't know how to explain this without sounding extremely selfish, and I should clarify that it was more during recovery and treatment than surgery and hospitalization (that was overwhelming). He had major nerve damage as the result of surgery and was in an enormous amount of pain for months afterward. dd was 18 months, and it felt like all I was doing was giving and taking care of. after a while I just felt starved for someone to take care of me. not to be sexist, but I'd think a man would reach that point even more quickly
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 03:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]thank you, that makes sense to me. As he would remind me it was not "all about me"
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 03:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have to log off, but unless there are other problems, I would at least try some counseling. best of luck
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 03:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] I'm Jewish, DH is not. Recently I've started going to synaggogue and at first Dh said... 40 replies
- I have never heard of the non-Jewish half of a mixed marriage refusing to go to a seder. Most seders I have been too (and they're all traditional seders) have had...
- I agree that it should definitely be talked about before marriage because incompatibility in this issue won't work. However, I'm saying that the discussion probably happened before kids or...
Talk : : February 13, 2009
I'm Jewish, DH is not. Recently I've started going to synaggogue and at first Dh said he would go with me. He went once and was put off because it was so not like church (!). It's a conservative congregation. We were invited to a seder which is not a really religious thing, more like a dinner. He's not sure he'll come. I feel hurt and sad that we can't do this togehter. Anyone else in this position? How have you handled it?
40 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.13.09, 08:37 AM [ Flag ]There have been non-Jews at many seders I have attended. In fact the mantra of Passover is to welcome to the table all those who are hungry. I remember in high school my best friend - who is Indian - wanted to come, and in college one of my closest friends who was Christian made a point of going too. It's really a wonderful meal because it teaches about the importance of freedom - not just from physical bonds but from discrimination. So it's a good time to welcome - and be respectful of - differences. (Also I have heard some Christian religions believe Passover was Jesus' Last Supper. So, could be interesting for that reason as well.)
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]tell him you totally understand about the synagogue, which is all in a foreign language for one thing, but a Seder is just a family dinner with an sweet old story (about killing Egyptian children, but whatever).
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]lol
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I hope the OR didn't consider this a LOL, since it isn't funny in the least. There is killing of both Jewish children and Egyptian children in the story, which I agree isn't exactly kid-friendly. But (not to get political) describing Passover as a story about "killing Egyptian children" is pretty much the one-sided analysis I'd expect from an uneducated person commented on middle east politics.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]well, it's one of the themes. And of course Pharaoh started it, having all the Hebrew children killed
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I can imagine that a conservative synagogue would be more difficult. Did you not look at reform or other synagogues? There are some that really cater to interfaith couples and your dh might not feel as uncomfortable. Has your dh never been to a seder? Many non-Jews I know, especially in NYC, have attended at least one, especially if they are married to a Jew. Seders are much less religious (and more fun) than a synagogue service, so hopefully dh will try at least one.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]good point re: reform.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]More from OR above: Also, it's odd that OP didn't discuss this earlier with dh. There are lots of compromises you can make. For example, we spend Christmas with dh's family and do Passover with mine. The non-Jewish spouse doesn't have to attend synagogue regularly, but participating in home-based traditions is different.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. took the words right out of my mouth
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
religion, any one, has always been a reason for sadness, abuse, conflict. forget about synagogue and have a happy, meaningful life with your dh
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I disagree. This is a very broad statement.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
We agreed about these issues before we were married. We are raising our kids in one faith (judaism). We have seders/chanukah/purim and DH supports and participates. We checked out several schuls before and after we were married, DH is not a religious person so he will never really go. Makes me sad when I am there on holidays and hard b/c what kid likes sitting through a service, particularly when dad does not bother. I think in these situations the best plan would be to join a schul, make friends with families so kids feel like there are part of a fun community. DH will join in during the less religious type of events.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Even though you agreed before you were married, he may still have reservations about completely giving up his Christian roots. Think of a surrogate mother or someone who promises to give up her child to a family for adoption and then changes her mind. Why not compromise a little and let dc's go to church with him too?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: This is a really odd answer. OR said her DH WASN'T A RELIGIOUS PERSON. She didn't say he wanted to attend church or take the kids. Just that he didn't want to attend a synagogue either. I think it's important to have a single religion for a child -- otherwise it's meaningless -- but of course the child could always explore other religions later.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Maybe he didn't think he was religious, but now that he's being overexposed to another religion he misses his own faith. It's like how you don't miss something until it's gone. He's not allowed to be Christian anymore so he misses it.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Again, for all you know her dh is Muslim or, believe it or not, raised as an atheist. It's very weird you are assuming facts here.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^in fact, he may actually be of Jewish descent, but raised without a religion. But you are certain he wishes to take his children to church!
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Dh raised Catholic, but is agnostic. He knows my religion is important to me.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]So is he pining to start attending church again, as this poster believes?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
HELLO. Did you read the original post? Try again and maybe you'll understand it this time. Here's a hint, look for the phrase: "put off because it was so not like church"
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You are correct. I did miss that. However, I never got the impression from that post that the dh had expressed any interest in taking the kids to church, just that he found going to synagogue strange and that he was not a religious person. So I still don't understand why you'd leap to the conclusion that the responder was being uncompromising by forbidding dh to take the kids to church.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^actually, I'm wrong. I think this OR is NOT the OP, this is an entirely different person giving advice to the OP. So this OR's did not say anything about her dh thinking synagogue was not like church -- just that dh wasn't a religious person. Later, she posted that her dh was raised Catholic but was agnostic, but that wasn't until after you chided her for not allowing her dh to take the kids to church.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
It is interesting that you are hurt and sad...What about him? How is he feeling? Alienated? Isolated? Does he have his own faith/practices? Can you find a way to balance and honor each other's different values? We have different beliefs and basically do religious things on our own. DCs go with me. But you need to try and understand how he feels.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]No kidding. OP automatically assumes her religion trumps.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Because that's the deal they made pre-marriage, and the dh is non-religious. Seems reasonable
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Point being, they made the deal before they actually had any kids. There is room for re-negotiation.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]First, the OP says nothing about any deal being made. Another poster who responded described this as her situation. I don't think that's the OP, since she said her dh doesn't want to attend a seder, and the other responder said her dh did "seders/chanukah/purim" but didn't go to services. However, this certainly is the kind of thing you should talk about before getting married and having kids, since it clearly is going to come up.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree that it should definitely be talked about before marriage because incompatibility in this issue won't work. However, I'm saying that the discussion probably happened before kids or when the kids were too young for religion. Now that the kids are becoming jewish, dh might feel like they're growing away from his background and want more of an equal compromise in religious up-bringing.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well, I don't understand how you bring up your kids with both religions, so you do have to decide which faith you are going to believe. You can't believe in Jesus and also not believe in Jesus - then faith becomes meaningless. (Unless you join a Unitarian church, that is). However, that doesn't mean you can't celebrate the cultural aspects of the other religion with the spouse's family, which keeps dc aware of that parent's cultural traditions.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]What is religion? It's essentially a method of believing in God, right? Why not teach your dc's about God, tell them that different religions believe different things about God, and then educate them on both of your religions? They can participate in religious and secular practices of both religions and then "choose" when they're a little older.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Do you know of anyone who has done this successfully? My dh was more or less raised this way, and it left him with pretty much no religion and not really understanding how worshipping together in a church or synagogue service can be a meaningful spiritual experience. I seriously think the best approach is then to join a Unitarian Church, because at least there is some spirituality associated with all religions in a common worship service.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I have never heard of the non-Jewish half of a mixed marriage refusing to go to a seder. Most seders I have been too (and they're all traditional seders) have had at least one non-Jewish guest, and they seem to enjoy it. As to being put off because synagogue is not like church -- I can see that, and it's a good reason for him not to go. It's a bad reason to switch to Reform -- kind of creepy, in fact, to select a synagogue on the grounds of it being 'more like church.'
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Sounds a bit FAKE that you are discovering NOW that you want to attend services in a conservative congregation.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]how are you bringing up dc's? will they be bar mitzvahed?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]We are in a reversed situation so I can offer some advice. It may be different from a guys pt of view, but still. When I married DH, I wasn't conservative and he was... he is also from a different culture than I (we aren't Christians). I enjoyed participating on a lot of things that he wanted to do. After we got married, the experience was not one of an observer, but of a spouse, someone expected to participate. We've been married 8yrs, and his culture is anathema to me. Its happened gradually, but the subtle push to participate in something I don't believe in, the pressure from MIL to do one thing or the other for DC that I don't like, the constant expectation from DH that 'DC need strong cultural roots, and since you don't care about yours... we should go with this', has actually made me turn to my own roots and try to incorporate that into our lives. Its weird, I know. But let your DH do what he wants. You have to love him for who/what he is... an agnostic christian may not want to be participating in jewish events, religious or not.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITTTTA
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
a dh: If I could choose my own religion (I was raised Catholic but am an atheist) I would choose Judaism. Not the religion so much as the sense of community.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Would you want the constant persecution also?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
np: Could you look at Reform synagogues? They can be a lot of fun. There are often a lot of interfaith families, there's more English in the services, etc. Your dh might feel more at ease there. Also, shop around - try out different synagogues. We went to several before finding one that really felt like a good fit for us.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't understand how you can marry someone and not know their feelings about this.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Know definitively that once you reach or pass the age of 33, your husband regrets mar... 30 replies
- and usually after the first year of marriage only fantasize about your better looking richer friends...did a lot of his friends. always wondered how those marriages ended up and i guess now i know....
- ball and chain, and the ones who manipulate men into marriage and so on. I smell bullshit. I call bullshit....
- for needing to do this. are you in an unhappy marriage or just hoping others are? you really have an inflated...
Talk : : February 13, 2009
Know definitively that once you reach or pass the age of 33, your husband regrets marrying you. Politically incorrect, but true. By that age you're considered an albatross, a rapidly depreciating asset, and ultimately the source of debt, frustration and skull numbing misery. Men only want companionship and relatively effort free sex, not co-comingled financial profiles and a compromised claustrophobic existence . . . they only marry because you demand it . . . Happy Valentine's Day.
30 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.13.09, 07:24 AM [ Flag ]You were stung as a child, weren't you?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]have you tried drugs? they might help.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]DH here. You are very insightful.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]"know definitively" LOLOLOLOL. a man told you this and now you are depressed. see somebody, you need help.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]DH Here. I am sorry, you were obviously going through something, but you are so wrong!
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]This is the "you must take your husband's name or you are selfish" poster, isn't it? Go take care of your children. Signed a woman who happily took her dh's name, but thinks that poster's an idiot.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]and we only want you for money and heavy lifting...and usually after the first year of marriage only fantasize about your better looking richer friends...now go away you ugly little man.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]is this a man or a woman posting? i'm picturing a man who married his wife for her looks/sex appeal and so did a lot of his friends. always wondered how those marriages ended up and i guess now i know.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's our resident women-hating troll.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np i think a women, who's husband left her for a younger more attractive women
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
not mine--i make 3x the amount of money he makes----if anyone should be worried it is him!
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm 35, and I feel great and look great. I actually think I'm much more attractive and interesting than I was 10,15 years ago. Now, I'm much more self-assured, a much better cook, and just feel better about myself overall.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]What if you married after the age of 33?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i was just wondering that myself.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]What I was thinking too. I married at 32. It is now 8 years later and I am extremely happy with him, and he with me. We have 2 great kids and are really genuinely good friends. We also enjoy sex a lot together. I look better than I did in my 20's and am smarter, more relaxed and more confident. My boobs are saggier, but that's easily taken care of with a nice demi from Eres! ;)
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
oh god i've got to get OFF THIS BOARD
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]DH here. You nailed it. If I could wave off every 27 year old guy who was thinking about popping the question, I damn sure would. Men propose between 27 and 32 because the dreaded couple's dinner parties come into play during that time period. You want to be mature? You want to maintain your current circle of friends? You want to fit in? Then you need to propose. BIG MISTAKE.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Oh don't be ridiculous. This is such a tired myth. It is well established fact that men are much happier married, are less likely to die early, are less depressed, less suicidal and get MUCH more sex than their single counterparts. For women, it is the inverse. They are less satisfied, work harder, are more stressed out and contribute to the household in terms of childcare, housework, AND bringing in income to a greater degree than do men. The day men are routinely considered househusbands, or the day we stop saying they "help" with housework is the day we're truly making strides here.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]So true!
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. My parents got divorced after 35+ years and my mother has done so much better as a single person, and my father (who is the one that wanted the divorce) has done so much worse. It's very clear who the "albatross" was in their relationship.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Isn't that so? I wonder why the myth persists with such strength. Women being not so jokingly referred to as ball and chain, and the ones who manipulate men into marriage and so on. I smell bullshit. I call bullshit.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 10:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]it's because men think that what's stopping them from getting laid by 23 year olds is their wife - but it's really that they are also over 35 and aren't now considered creepy and gross to those young girls. But they don't find that out until they get rid of the ball and chain that actually made sure they didn't have hair growing out of their nose.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 11:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]are now not aren't now. sorry.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 11:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]This happen to my BIL's parents. Father wanted a divorce after 41 years. Where the heck are you going after 41 years! But his mother looks fabulous. Started traveling all over the world with a senior citizen's group and met a very nice male companion who does a mean disco hustle. The father did date a younger woman and she seemed nice enough but they eventually broke up because of his health concerns.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 12:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Sorry, but I think you're wrong.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 11:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]This guy posted this yesterday as well. Get a life!
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 11:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Ha. Ha. And the goods he's pushing is probably not all that. The men who think like OP have thinning hair, think jack-hammering away at vagina makes them a sex-machine, when it makes them sexually boring, don't dress their age, and are usually the old guy in the club or what comedians call "Drink Guy". LOL We've all met these types of guys. Over 40 making fools of themselves over 20 years old who are dogging them out in the female bathroom at work or in a club. If these men really knew what young women were saying about them, they would fall on their needs a beg a woman closer to their age to marry them. 20 year olds do not like old man smell and looking old guy pubes.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 11:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Stupidest post of the week award.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]pearls of wisdom from the lips of a pathetic loser of a man (no doubt disgustingly unattractive and with very bad breath).
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]do you really think you are hurting anyone other than yourself with this blather? you made me laugh out loud, but then i paused and felt sorry for you for needing to do this. are you in an unhappy marriage or just hoping others are? you really have an inflated sense of your power to wound -- believe me, you did not cause any hurt, just shaking of heads or laughs. thanks, and happy valnetine's day to you, as well!
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] God, some women are SO SELFISH. Change my last name to dh's? Hell no, it's super-dupe... 146 replies
- Do you also have separate checking accounts? Your marriage is more of a partnership....
- joint account and our own accounts. Yes, my marriage is a partnership -- was that supposed to...happiness"). I think both members of a marriage should care about each other's happiness and...and a far greater percentage of those intact marriages have women who did nt change name. ha...told you those facts? First of all, traditional marriage doesn't mean at a younger age; it...
Talk : : February 12, 2009
God, some women are SO SELFISH. Change my last name to dh's? Hell no, it's super-duper important to me that I retain every bit of my independence; no way am I giving that up even if it means a lot to him. Take care of widowed mil while her broken leg heals? Hell no, why would I want to do anything for the woman who raised dh? Let her go to a nursing home! No wonder the divorce rate is 50+%. Sometimes you have to think of someone besides yourself and your smart, gorgeous, heavenly dc's.
146 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.12.09, 08:36 PM [ Flag ]Really? You think keeping my name is SELFISH? Not even selfish but SO SELFISH? Whoa. I can think of a million kinds of selfish behavior, many of which I'm guilty of, but why in the world is my keeping my name SO SELFISH? I'd love to know what whacky reasoning makes you think so.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It is selfish. Changing your name creates a connection between you, your husband, and your in-laws. You feel more "married" if your name has changed - more a part of dh's family. Unless you won a Nobel Prize or an Oscar with your maiden name, there's no reason to change it. Of course, if you care more about maintaining your "independence" than having a happy married life or relations with your in-laws, then you'll do whatever the hell you want, then divorce 5 years later and become another statistic.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's not my independence, it's my identity. It's my NAME. What about the connection between me and MY family? Would it be the same if my husband changed his last name for mine? There's every reason not to change it. My parents gave it to me and it's my name. I've been married to my wonderful husband for 17 years. You really think I didn't change it so I could divorce more easily? Wow, you have some really strange ideas.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Eh, whatever. If you really loved your husband, and he felt strongly about having you change your name to his, you would do it. Simple as that.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITTA. It's like she's already anticipating the divorce. He's better without her.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]He's better without her after 17 yrs? How about he loves being with her and if he had wanted a pet instead of a wife, then he'd have been happier with you than with her.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
What if you want your husband to change his name. Would he love you enough to do it? BTW its 2009.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]BTW that's a stupid suggestion.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Why honey? You could both have the same name then, right? If you wanted it enough and he loved you enough, he should do it, right? Whats stupid about it?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Because it's stupid, that's why.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Its just stupid, thats why!? How old are you? I can see why you think its best to change your name btw... your ability to coherently explain yourself does say a lot about you faculties.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Oh eat me. It's just stupid. And I'm 30.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
np- DH felt strongly about me changing my name. I didn't. After 8yrs of marriage, he will still always say that he wishes I changed my name, and I say I wish he changed his, it hasn't changed how we felt about each other. If you really loved your husband, you would stop identifying yourself as a wife and a wife alone... so he has a partner for a wife, not a doormat.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I feel bad for your DH. So sad.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Don't. When you are married to a man who can handle a woman with a brain, you don't need to worry about his happiness.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]So you say.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:31 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: If you're under the impression that every DH wants their DWs to change their names and that if a DH can't handle a woman with a brain, then you are really , really sad.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 06:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
"When you are married to a man who can handle a woman with a brain, you don't need to worry about his happiness." -- That's a horrible thing to say.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]No kidding. Many of these women aren't the prizes they think they are (half-formed "brains" and all)
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: I don't think that's what she was saying. I think she was saying that she doesn't need to be a doormat for her hubby to be happy.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You are reading the wrong post. The comment being responded to was: "when you are married to a man who can handle a woman with a brain, you don't need to worry about his happiness." That says nothing about doormats, and I still maintain it's a sad way to live.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]And, referring up to her original response, she says she responds to his feelings with a snide comeback, which I think is also sad.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Her DH asks her to change her name, and that's a reasonable request. She asks him to change his instead and that's a "snide comeback"? How so?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Because he really means it, and she doesn't. He makes a heartfelt statement that he wishes she had changed her name. In her post she does not at all indicate that she actually wanted him to change his. So her comeback was nothing more than mocking his feelings on the matter.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
OR; I hate to be agreed with in such an obnoxious response. My point was, the above comment seems to punish men for being someone who "can handle a woman with a brain." Basically, being a decent, mature guy means your wife doesn't have to care about whether you're happy or not. That kind of sucks.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
np: In this case, I feel bad for the dh, but because the dw seems to respond to his deeply held feelings with snide dismissal. Of course if her desire to keep her name outweighs any inclination she might otherwise have to give him this thing he wants, that can be OK too, but she should at least acknowledge to him that she understands his feelings, but just can't do that particular thing.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
NP: How about, if he really loved her, he would respect her decision?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 06:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]How about, if she really loved him, she would feel it's important to make him happy, and at least take that seriously when deciding?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I feel like I'm missing something. Was there a whole discussion about how a woman was flippant about this despite her husband's seriousness on this issue? Because I can't tell why we're just generalizing that all woman should take DH's name, or if they don't they're not taking it seriously.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]That's the problem with totally anonymous posting and this crappy thread/response system. However, I don't think anyone, even the obnoxious OP, in the pro-name-change camp is saying the dw must always take DH's name even if he doesn't care. The question is, if he does care should that matter. Some dws seem to believe the dh feelings should be irrelevant in the matter. The OP seems to believe that the dw feelings should be irrelevant. My view is that both should be relevent.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
np and you're a fool. a happy marriage is not based on sublimation of self, on abnegation of one's own identity, and no "connection" which is created by the changing of a name has any meaning whatsoever. my dh had no problem with the fact that i didn't change my name ... and we've been happily married for well over 10 years. connection and meaning comes from building a life together, from respect, from humor and patience, from shared values and memories NOT a shared name. fwiw, i know way more divorced women who took their dh's name than the reverse.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:54 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]For you, the shared name is not meaningful. That's fine. But if a person feels that a shared name creates a connection, then who are you to say that's not valid? The OP is intentionally obnoxious about this topic, but I think you also go overboard, though less obnoxiously, the other way.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Nice!! Do I get to deride all the things you think are important in your relationship with your dh? Or is that a one-way deal, reserved for you to deride what I find important? (btw, I'm not OP, who is an obnoxious twit)
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Get a grip. I live in Europe and everyone keeps their name. Even when I lived in Italy, in the most Catholic conservative part of Tuscany, elderly women retained their names. My husband's 94 year old Grandmother just passed away and the first thing I noticed was her hyphenated name.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]If you're somewhere everyone keeps their name, then the issue is irrelevant. The entire issue is context-specific. Your comparison is therefore meaningless, except as a general critique of our culture (which is fine, but not the point of the OP)
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 02:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You do know that the whole name-changing thing was to show that the woman was the property of the man, right? So to insist that you change your name, your husband is saying that you are his property. Are you OK with that? I'm not property. I'm a person. Dunno about you.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 10:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
agree with first part. i don't get why women are so resistant to changing their name. it's simple if everyone has the same name and it also puts an extra bond that's hard to break. never seen someone refuse to take care of their mil tho
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Bond that's hard 2 break? RU Kidding?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]LOL, ITA with you. Big eye roll here.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]And big divorce papers coming your way!
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]oooh, I'm shaking.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i'll start by saying i changed my name and it's certainly more convenient for me now w kids. but i get why women are resistant - why should they be the ones to have to take on a new name for the sake of simplicity or convenience? if you think smae last name is impt, by all means go for it, but it's not for everyone. in many countries in europe, women don't change their names anymore. it's the new norm and no one cares.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm Korean and the Korean tradition is for Korean women to keep their names. Is THAT selfish? Same in Latin countries. And in many Latin culture it is the tradition for children to receive BOTH parents' last names. Is that selfish? I think of my husband and his family every day and love them like my own family. What in the world does it matter that I have my own name? They never for a minute have thought anything of it. The question of changing my name or not has not once come up, and we've been married for 13 years (together for 16). And what's it to you, anyway?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]not the op, and I think the op was being intentionally inflammatory, but, to be fair, I think the op's comments only apply in the context of a culture where name-changing is a tradition. There maybe other traditions in other places that could be analogous and could raise analogous disputes -- for example, if in a particular culture there were a tradition for women to cut hair short when married, I could see modern women rejecting that, and then a similar argument to this one erupting.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]in greece, the tradition WAS that women change their name. our generation is the first not to do it and there's almost no argument about it. none of the women i know under 40-45 have changed their names. so it's not always true.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't think I get the point here -- if the culture as a whole has changed, then the history that X used to be a tradition isn't as relevant to the current discussion. My point is, the OP's point only applies where the general culture follows a certain practice, and it's unfair to bring in as counterexamples other cultures where that practice does not apply.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]aaaaand what has happened to the divorce rate in greece?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I had a friend at work whose parents changed their names (both the mom and the dad) because it was important to have the same name. Anything short of that is an unnecessary imposition on the person changing their name. Some women don't mind the imposition, some do.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]You have no idea how easy it was to change my name back after my divorce. Seriously, the name thing was the last of my concerns when deciding to divorce. You are dumb.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 10:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I'm infinitely less selfish than my DH. I did not change my name, but I have not put any pressure on him to change his or made him feel badly about not changing mine. I would care for my widowed mil as much and more than my DH would care for his. In almost every respect, I do more for us than I expect him to do for me. So I'm the unselfish one. I do however think that DH and I are equals in this relationship. Since you obviously do not, you consider me all kinds of selfish.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]My dh's last name comes from his mom who hates me. We have had no connection to her since we got married. However, it was really important for him for me to change to his last name, even though I loved my classic sounding name. Since it was so important and made me feel more connected I did it and I'm not at all feeling like I've lost my identity. A name is just a name after all, things are meant to change throughout your life. I love my husband more than my last name.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 11:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]No kidding. Many of these women don't understand that. They think their name symbolizes their IDENTITY, their sense of BEING. Pathetic bullshit.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Why are you so angry about other women's decisions?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Go back to 1952 where you belong. WOmen like you make me sad. Your thinking is shallow and lacks depth and nuance. My DH would find you to be pathetic. Not all men want what you are selling, dear.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 04:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]dh and I have one of the healthiest marriages I know of and he could not care less that I wanted to keep my name. It shouldn't matter, and I certainly don't think I'd feel "more married" if I did change it (in response to poster below). I also would not lose weight for him, dye my hair for him, keep my hair long for him or any of the other idiotic things insecure men are able to get their insecure wives to do.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 05:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You had me with you until that last sentence, which just made me sad. What's so terrible about spouses doing things their spouses would like? If my wife wanted me to grow a beard, or stop wearing a beard, or grow my hair long (what's left of it) and put it in a pony tail, I would -- unless some othe major factor outweighed that, such as risk of losing my job. If she wanted me to lose weight, I would certainly try, though it's a different category since unlike hair and names, it's not certain you can succeed if you decide to do it.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's women like her that annoy me. They think marriage is just a piece of paper. That they can do exactly what they did before and take no input from spouse. Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: I'm a lawyer and have helped clients create a ton of business partnerships. And you know what? They are all different. And there is no one set of characteristics that makes one more or less successful than another - it's about whether or not the partners are able to come up with a relationship that works for them (which may be different than the relationship that works for another group). I don't see marriage any different - what works for you might not work for someone else, and there is nothing wrong with that.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]What explains the fact that divorce rates in America and Europe are the highest in the world? Clearly something is not "working" and I'm positive it's the selfishness.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Maybe it's the pigheadness of people that are so wrapped up in what is "traditional" that they can't structure a life that works for them?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Nope, traditional marriages work out a lot more often. It's the selfishness.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
(DH that would grow a beard here): I agree. What I found upsetting was this blanket declaration the OR made that she basically would not do anything to make her husband happy, even something as simple as hairstyle. It just struck me as a sad way to live.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think the OR wasn't talking about herself, but about the *type* of woman that is so invested in keeping her DH that she abandons her whole sense of herself to the process. Which is, IMO, an equally sad way to live.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NO, she very specifically said she would not dye her hair, grow it long, or lose weight for her husband. That's exactly what she said, and she was not talking about a category of self-abandoning-women. She basically said won't do anything of that type for the purpose of pleasing her husband. That's sad to me.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't disagree with the general concept that spouses ought to be willing to make some compromises to make each other happy, but in reality, when you start talking about women and physical appearance, that becomes a loaded thing. It's not as simple as "I grew a beard because she wanted me to." Often there is an income difference that affects the balance of power in the relationship and it becomes "I lost twenty pounds and died my hair blond because I'm afraid he's going to leave me for a younger woman if I don't keep him happy."
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You're loading all that freight in there, and it's not what she said, and I don't think it's what she meant -- I am giving her the credit of assuming she was as straightforward as she appears to be: "Honey, I love it when your hair is long." "NO!!!". "Sorry honey, I was being idiotic asking for that." If you want to get into implied threats and all that, then fine we can do that, but that's a new discussion.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
If you need to change your name to feel "more married" to your DH then you have serious problems -- how "married" or "connected" you feel depends on a heck of a lot more than having the same last name.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 06:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Do you also have separate checking accounts? Your marriage is more of a partnership.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Isn't it supposed to be?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't understand the question. What does checking accounts have to do with anything? FWIW we have both a joint account and our own accounts. Yes, my marriage is a partnership -- was that supposed to be a pejorative?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You will never understand.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thank God for that. Shocking for a woman to have her own bank account in 2009, isn't it.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OR: OK, I was really asking because I don't know what a checking account has to do with anything, or why a parternship is a pejorative. No need to be snippy.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
No, she won't. They'll use the joint account for kids' and household expenses and then finance their extramarital affairs with their personal accounts
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Look, I have an advanced degree, I make six figures, and I manage a whole unit of people. I have a separate checking account because I don't believe in making my husband pay for my clothes or stuff that I like to buy that are just for me, not because of my extramatrial affairs. Why do you ladies come from? Women can't have anything that are just their own -- and if they do they're getting divorced??
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Why do you believe having a joint account is like making your husband "pay" for stuff? Don't you have the type of relationship where you can say - I need an expensive suit for a big upcoming meeting, etc.? And by the way, because your husband makes less than you, do you force him to buy clothes and stuff at "his" income level?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]LOL my husband makes almost three times what I do, but thanks.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You didn't answer my first question. You don't have the relationship where you can say, I want this money for XYZ, maybe discuss it a little if it's an expensive thing, and then compromise?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Oh, of course we do, for household things. Like if I wanted a new sofa and he didn't, we'd sit down and talk about it. But if I want to go to Sephora and buy a new expensive face cream, I use my own money.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Why??? Is what I'm asking. Why can't you just TELL him you're going to Sephora, or even tell him AFTER the fact? This whole "keeping an aspect of my life separate" just makes it easier to divorce when the going gets a little rough.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]But why should he partially pay for something only I'll enjoy? I don't get it, I'm just trying to be fair. It's like a couple of thousand dollars.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Damn, you illustrated my point. Once you get married, you are supposed to be TOGETHER FOR LIFE. Your money is his money and his money is your money. If you approach finances with any other mindset you are already mentally setting yourself up for a divorce.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]My puny $2000 checking account is setting me up for a divorce? I can't have a little spending cash for a spa treatment for myself?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: Deviating, in any way, from the way the OP choses to live her life is setting yourself up for divorce. Haven't you gotten that by now?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Ooohhhh... now I get it.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: Wait, so you're saying instead of having a little pocket money that's just your own, you should buy expensive face cream and tell DH after the fact?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: Sure, if you feel like it. If your finances are in great shape, then probably no need to mention it. Do you really not understand the concept of sharing money with DH?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 10:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OR: Yes, I do we have a joint account. I just don't understand (I give up, really) why I'm doomed for divorce if I am $2000 in my name only and I use it to buy things that I don't think he should have to pay for since they're for my enjoyment only. I mean, whatever, lots of my friends have joint accounts only, and I don't care. I just don't see how a couple of grand is setting me up to fail. And I thought I was being fair.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 10:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Why did you get married? You don't sound religious so that probably is not the reason. Why not just live together.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Look, we have a joint account that we use to pay for household expenses, kids, insurance, vacations, etc. We use our own accounts to buy stuff like clothes, feed my Sephora addiction, etc. Just because I have a couple of thousand dollars in an account that's all mine it means I didn't need to bother to get married?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Hopefully all women have their own checking account. I know far too many women (not me) whose husbands have emptied their joint checking and left them with nothing. How stupid would you feel if that happened to you and you had nothing stashed away? Same goes for credit cards. I wouldn't get a joint card ever. Not after seeing what happens when men go on a spending spree and leave their wives with the debt.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 10:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
"If you need to change your name to feel "more married" to your DH then you have serious problems " -- Why do you get to decide what makes other people feel more connected? Some dws feel wearing a wedding ring makes them feel "more married", and some feel very strongly that dh needs to also wear one, for the same reason. That's no more or less valid than the name thing.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OK, I could see how it came across that way. Still don't understand why I'm being ragged on for having my own bank account, though.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]That particular ragging wasn't me. I'm the "the other spouse's feelings should matter" guy. I wonder how it would go over among the dw's here if someone made a similar type of post making the claim that husbands who don't want to wear rings are just trying to stay free to play the field, etc. I'm guessing they would say "yes, not wanting to wear a wedding ring is a real danger sign." But that's just a guess. In any case, the OP's nasty tone made this thread a difficult one for real discussion.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree with you. I think this discussion is interesting, it's suddenly caused me to delurk to comment. Recently I saw on a morning talk show that a husband was saying every morning he'd bring his wife a cup of coffee in bed and he said if the roles were reversed it the woman would be accused of being a 50's housewife. I mean, the guy was spewing a whole bunch of other nonsense,but I found myself agreeing with at least that point.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think that's a good analogous example. Married people should do things for each other. Also, if it's something you wanted to do anyway, it's hardly special. It's only when you take the other's desires seriously enough that you try to fulfil them even though they would not otherwise have been your own desires that you are truly being giving. That doesn't mean you have to do this 100% of the time. But a husband who gets tickets for him and his wife to go to a football game is not being generous; the one who gets tickets for him and his wife to go the latest chick flick is being very generous (assuming stereotypically gendered tastes).
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 10:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: Totally agree with you. And that's where many married people fail. They feel that they should never have to give something meaningful up for their spouse, and when something is asked of them, they bail.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 10:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
If the husband cares so much about having the same name and the wife doesn't, HE should be the one to change his name. Or he should just grow up and get over his insecurity.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]That would be "stupid" is the best argument the OP can come up with to explain her double standards.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Actually that wasn't me. Apparently some other people have consideration for others too.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Then you explain why it is selfish and evidence of the decline of Western civilization for a woman to want keep her name, and completely normal and understandable for a man to want to keep his.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Ever heard of a little thing called tradition? Why didn't you wear the tux on your wedding day and have dh wear the white gown?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Shockingly, some people get married without the white gown OR the tux, and don't immediately head down the path to hell.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]DH here: my sister was my best woman and i was her man of honor...are our marriages doomed b/c we ignored tradition?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
np: "If the husband cares so much about having the same name and the wife doesn't, HE should be the one to change his name. Or he should just grow up and get over his insecurity." OK. Whenever my wife asks for something from me because she is insecure about something, or wants to do something traditional that I don't want to, I'll remember to say "Stuff it! Do it yourself! Time to grow up and get over your insecurity!"
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 10:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
OP again: Yup, these replies confirm exactly what I'm talking about. Most of you women have no idea what it means to be selfless. It's all about you you you - YOUR identity, YOUR independence, YOUR freedom to go make out with whichever guys you want. No thought left over about what other people want. And by the way, changing your last name is in no way giving up your identity - unless you also feel that way about dyeing your hair or losing weight? Enjoy your impending divorce and take comfort in the fact that you're one of the reasons why America is going down the moral crapshoot.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 07:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't get this train of thought. DH DOESN'T CARE. How am I being selfish if he doesn't care whether I change it or not?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Read the original post. If he doesn't care than whatever; if he does, then is it a huge thing to give up?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree that's the original intention of the obnoxious post, but it's evolved into how women can't even have their own bank accounts and how any woman who declines to "give in" to her husband's wishes on anything is doomed for divorce.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Not the OP, and I repudiate OP's nasty tone and one-sidedness. BUT, I think the OP's point probably only applies to dws of dhs that do care about this. I agree with OP that dh's desires in this should be meaningful and given weight. The rhetoric on the non-changing side can be almost as extreme as the OPs ("It's none of his business", or a woman shouldn't "need to worry about his happiness"). I think both members of a marriage should care about each other's happiness and give due consideration to what the other wants.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
What is WRONG with identity, independence and freedom? I think it is exactly the opposite of what you say - our society expects way too much selflessness from women and not enough from men. Why isn't the guy ever expected to change his name? Take care of his OWN widowed mother? Give up his career and financial independence for his family?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: The guy IS expected to provide for his family - wake up early every day and go into work without complaining, all but two weeks of the year. That's pretty damn selfless. In contrast to women who get "tired" of working after 5 or 10 years and have the socially acceptable option of SAHM.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I provide for my OWN family, actually, and my DH is a SAHD. Which is how our "partnership" is set up. It works for us, I would NEVER dictate to someone else that they HAD to live their live that way, or insult them if they didn't. That is the difference between me and you.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Please don't act like you're the norm.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't think I am or have to be the "norm" - that was my whole point.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]So you disagree with the point that in general, men are expected to work for a living and are looked down upon if they don't, whereas women are given a pass? I don't know what planet you come from.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Planet Tolerance. You might want to try paying us a visit someday.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's not Earth at least. You are seriously delusional if you don't believe that it's MUCH less socially acceptable for the dh to give up the job to stay at home than it is for the dw.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't live my life according to what is "socially acceptable" nor do I expect every single person in the entire universe to life exactly the way I do. That was my point.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
^^^ I remember the post a little while ago about the Ivy League lawyer who wanted to quit and become a SAHM. Most responders were like "do what you want to do even if your husband doesn't like it" and very few appreciated the fact that the same option wouldn't be easily given for a dh.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You know, the divorce comment bothers me, because you are implying that a woman must be completely selfless in order to stay married. Can't marriage be about compromise? Can't I be selfish (your definition, not mine) but keeping my name but caring for him and DB?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]No, women do not have to be completely selfless. However, the last name issue comes up at the very beginning of a marriage and sets a tone for it. If he and his family beg and plead and you still don't listen, you're sending a message that changing your name (a very simple request) is more important to you than your dh and in-laws. And that IS selfish.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]And your DH is being equally selfish, and his family is sending a message that they will be overly involved in your life and basically you should get the hell out now!
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]What's wrong with in-laws being involved in your life? They can't have any opinion or give guidance on how to maintain the marriage, raise dc's, etc.? After all they're much older and more experienced than you. I bet you're one of those who complains about her mil at parties and makes snide remarks while dh is talking to her on the phone.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL and she would never in a million years "beg and plead" me to change my name or do anything else. The fact that you think the women is the only person in the wrong in the scenario you describe says pretty much all that needs to be said about your view of the world.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]they should only give opinions or guidance when asked...doesn't sound like the wife would be seeking such counsel in your example...so what's wrong with it is that it's invasive & none of their damn business
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I'm the one who posted that my DH doesn't care. If he cared I honestly have to think about what I'd do... I probably would change it. Having said that, though, I do have to add that I don't consider it a simple request, so I could also see why some women may be reluctant. If it's just as important to DH as it is to you, why should the woman "give in"?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 08:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: why is it selfish of hte woman not to change andnot of the man to demand that change. and in laws should have no aprt of this decision. i have wonderful in laws, whom i would take into my home in a heartbeat and care for them and part of what makes them great is that they don't stick their nose into things that aren't their business
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 10:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
are you phyllis schlafly? or maybe sarah palin? wait, i know, you are rush limbaugh! your ideas crack me up, they are so dumb. i just asked my friend about a study -- more divorces among couples where women changed name! divorce rate higher in "traditional" arrangements where couples married at younger age! the older the couple, the less likely to divorce, and a far greater percentage of those intact marriages have women who did nt change name. ha ha ha ha ha!!! betcha you will be out on your bum when your husband ditches you for a more interesting and intact and smarter woman.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Was it your friend in your "head" who told you those facts? First of all, traditional marriage doesn't mean at a younger age; it just means both husband and wife care more about each other's well-being than preserving their so-called "independence." Second of all, not changing the last name is more common among couples who live together for a significant amount of time before they are married, and divorce rates are most definitely high among them because they feel a sense of transiency in their marriage, i.e. they feel that when they were living together they could break up and move out without many consequences, so why can't they do that even when they're married
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Why assume the OP is a woman? Did he/she self-identify?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: rush limbaugh is not a woman
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I was responding to: " betcha you will be out on your bum when your husband ditches you for a more interesting and intact and smarter woman". I had not been assuming the OP was female.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 10:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
What cracks me up is the women with big ass diamonds who talk about how changing their name is anti feminist and symbolic of an outdated paternal society.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]If changing her last name is as important to her as it is important for him to have her change it - there should be a compromise. Why is her identity less significant?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]oy, again with the IDENTITY. are you seriously saying your name represents all of your identity? like if you had to go into the witness protection program, you wouldn't be yourself anymore?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]If a name represents NOTHING why is it so all-fired important to you that a woman take her husband's? Or so offensive to you that a man might decide to take his wife's?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]touche
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]If the man is fine with it, then great. But if the man would really like his wife to take his name so that the kids will also have it and there won't be any confusion (which is what is done traditionally), why would she have to refuse vehemently just because she's not willing to compromise some arbitrary sense of identity?
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]The kids can have the father's name regardless and in this day and age there's not likely to be a whole lot of confusion - lots of women don't change their names, plus people get divorced and remarried. So it really comes down to what the women wants vs. what the man wants and, protest all you want, there is no "right" answer to that conflict. I'm suspecting you are a man, which is why it is so easy for you to disparage the whole "identity" aspect of changing your name.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Wow. The double standard is amazing. I find it really funny that many people are posting that women are selfish. I'm a social scientist. If you look at time use data that are MANY more women (including those that did not change their name) spending precious time caring for children, and elderly inlaws. Men take much more time in leisure. To say women are the selfish ones is simply sexism.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Seeing how the posters above relate their name to their identity - yes I chose to phrase it that way. But if you rather me reword it how about: "Why should her choice be less significant?" For example Let's say she's the only child in her family with that last name and it meant a lot for her and her family that she keep her last name. I am merely stating that changing and keeping a last name can have equal importance. I can understand that it would be selfish if the wife didn't want to change her name and it meant far less to her than it did for her husband.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I can understand that, but many women I've met don't have that reason. They just don't want to "give in" to DH and in-laws and "let them pull the strings." They want to have it their way.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: I suspect it's the fact that your parents thought it was appropriate to get involved that caused this whole conflict. I changed my name because it was more important to DH than it was to me. But if I had busybody in-laws that thought they could tell me what to do, "having it my way" would have become significantly more important.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 01:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
let's see. i changed my name bc my dh wanted me to and i was truly committed to our marriage. i also have done a lot to help his family. none of this stopped him from leaving me for an affair. what was your point again? oh, and now i have to deal with the pita of changing my name back, not to mention the humiliation of everyone knowing that i got dumped for a young bimbo.
[ Reply | Options ]02.14.09, 08:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] What are the chances DH is going to remember it is my bday tomorrow? What are the cha... 8 replies
- this crisis is having an impact on everyone (for the most part). His anger is clearly displaced. therapy? major sit down to address this crisis in your marriage?...
Talk : : February 12, 2009
What are the chances DH is going to remember it is my bday tomorrow? What are the chances he doesn't act really shocked instead of pretending he knew when I tell him? And what do you think he has in the hopper for Valentines? Tune in tomorrow.
8 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.12.09, 06:36 PM [ Flag ]What are the odds he'll still have a functioning pair of balls on Sunday morning? I'm guessing less than 50%.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]So he forgot (or appeared to until my brother called him at work to ask him to bring ice cream home). He delivered it to me on the counter & muttered Happy Birthday. As usual, no card, no present.
[ Reply | Options ]02.14.09, 04:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]wow - i am sorry. i don't like my bday too much but still like a card and genuine bday wish. is your dh always like this? will you blow off his bday?
[ Reply | Options ]02.14.09, 04:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes, he is very angry about our current financial situation which he blames on me. He would blame economic crisis on me if he could. He is passive aggressive & outright aggressive; MIL is same way. He will be away for vacation, but no scenario where I acknowledge VDay to day. We got our Home Equity bill this week & he called me a "c" word b/c we are accruing debt b/c I lost job. AAAArgh. To be honest, his angry about $ is the absolute worst part of not having it.
[ Reply | Options ]02.14.09, 04:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]this crisis is having an impact on everyone (for the most part). His anger is clearly displaced. therapy? major sit down to address this crisis in your marriage?
[ Reply | Options ]02.14.09, 04:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP I am afraid all the normal solutions are no go here. He would rather die than do therapy. I am afraid responder below is right I either plan an exit or try to get help for me in coping. I still think his presence is horrible modelling for my kids. It is funny so tied up with his evil mother. He lives in absolute fear of her but is petty and mean like her. For ex., I doubt he really forgot my bday but
[ Reply | Options ]02.14.09, 06:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I wasted a lot of time (and money) on therapy trying to cope and save the marriage. I married into a angry, aggressive family (DH, MIL, SIL were an intertwined triangle) and was going to pass the aggression on to my dc's if I stayed. Dc's and I are must better off since I left. DH #2 is a much better father and role model.
[ Reply | Options ]02.14.09, 06:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You're living my first marriage. DH's who call their DW's the "c" word are abusive and have deep seated anger toward women. My MIL was like yours. DH hated her. The aggression gets worse with time and your ds's learn to treat women badly, while dd's learn to be treated badly. Plan an exit strategy. I moved in with my mother and sent dc's to local public school. DH was happy to be rid of us as long as it didn't cost him money. I remarried a kind man who remembers my birthday, VD, Mother's Day and our anniversary. Dc's see how well he treats me and will do the same for their spouses.
[ Reply | Options ]02.14.09, 05:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] DH gets Sports Illustrated. Was looking at the photos last night. Depressing. 39 replies
- Hilarious! Hey, I'm an almost 37 year old DW and I regret marriage as well. You guys don't all age gracefully, and if you're not needed for your income then why should we bother?...
Talk : : February 12, 2009
DH gets Sports Illustrated. Was looking at the photos last night. Depressing.
39 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.12.09, 01:15 PM [ Flag ]The issue with the models, or just a regular ol' issue with the athletes.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]the issue with the models.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Oh, okay. Though those women are pretty stunning, my friend who worked for SI, still had to do a lot air brushing on those images. So take some solace in that. Men like eye candy so I wouldn't take his gawking at Heidi Klum personally unless he says, how come your breast don't look like that? Then you have my permission to clothesline him like Hulk Hogan. LOL.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Remind yourself that those women don't even look like those women (IRL). Did you see that Jessica Alba ad (Campari, I think) where someone got ahold of the pre- and post-airbrushing versions? You know that all those photos get doctored, but the before vs. after is really pretty shocking.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes, but DH does not know that.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Of course he does. But he doesn't care.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Ha, I order SI for my dh, except due to some *glitch* it gets delivered to my office. so oooops guess he won't be getting his swimsuit edition. I think it is sick- i looked at it, it would be fine if it were classy models in suits we could actually wear, but these women are naked, save for a hand or flower placement someplace. If my dh wants to look at porn, he can buy a porn mag.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Controlling, obnoxious, and, since he certainly knows it's swimsuit month and can pick up a copy at any newsstand, useless. Only thing that can be accomplished by this is resentment, and giving him the correct suspicion that you take a censoring and controlling approach.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:54 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Somehow, I don't think she's worried about what he thinks of her.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 03:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Puzzled DH here: Why would you rather have him buying porn mags than looking at a SI swimsuit issue?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]seriously!
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]honest answer needed -- when you do look at these photos, do you wish your wife had a body like that or something close to it?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't really connect the two. Really.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Same puzzled DH here. When I go to an opera, I don't think "I wish my dw had a voice like that." In fact, until just now it never occurred to me to think that.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OOps- [cont.] My wife is not and has never been a singer at any pro or amateur level. Now, I happen to feel my dw has a beautiful and alluring singing voice. Intellectually, I know she's not about to audition for the Met so I guess in that sense her voice is "worse" -- but even that is a weird thought. Emotionally, it's hard for me even to conceive that Deborah Voigt's voice and hers are in competition in any way.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
when i look at pics like that any thought like that is out the window. Its just "ugga ugga, me likes it" Questions like, "what would that model make of middle aged not really very fit guy with 3 kids" are likewise totally irrelevant. But let's not pretend women don't do pretty much the same thing. George Clooney for you on line 3.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well, in this scientific survey of 2 dh's, the results are a unanimous "no". That's better evidence than the autism/vaccine link ever had.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 03:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Seriously, is there an answer to the previous question -- Why is porn better than SI? Or did I just bite at a troll here, and the censoring wife is a fake?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i thnk for her its that she pays for SI, porn will come out of his own pocket. so to speak.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm not bitter, controlling dw above, but looking at her answer, I bet she would say that jacking off to SI is sort of having it both ways. Its porn but without the shame and stigma. So if he wants wacking material, he has to take the shame too, no free lunches.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Hmm. I think I understand, though it seems a bit twisted. I think I understand better the straightforward feelings about it expressed by the OP.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 03:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Brooklyn Freaking Decker. Oh my absolute god.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Know definitively that once you reach or pass the age of 33, your husband regrets marrying you. Politically incorrect, but true. By that age you're considered an albatross, a rapidly depreciating asset, and ultimately the source of debt, frustration and dulling misery. Men only want companionship and relatively effort free sex, not co-comingled financial profiles and a compromised claustrophobic existence . . . they only marry because you demand it . . .
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Divorced DH here. Oh man, where's that cut and paste function. This is going in my blog.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]You're sad and I feel sorry if you speak from personal experience-whichever gender you may be. GL.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Hilarious! Hey, I'm an almost 37 year old DW and I regret marriage as well. You guys don't all age gracefully, and if you're not needed for your income then why should we bother?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]LOL. Men seem to think the goods they are peddling are right up there with the hope diamond. Receding hairlines, hair growing out of strange places, occasional limp-dickness, and bad dressing. Yikes!
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Could you please modify that to say 'some' men? Plenty of us are well aware that you judge us that way, and are appropriately sad and insecure because of it.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Oh, I was just responding to douche-bag dad who said our husbands regret marrying us. Mine probably does, but I'm gangsta. If he wants to leave, I'm like don't let door hit you on the way out. LOL. Seriously, I think my husband likes being around me as I should have been the last woman he should date. A young mom, with a 6 and 7 year old, working like a dog and putting myself through grad school. He should have ran the other way. But I do have a body like J.Lo. Yikes!
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]lol! Ok, blowjob for you! But the others, feh!
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You ought to get together with the puritan lady who steals her dh's SI. You could be very happy together biting at each other's ankles.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:31 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]LOL Speak for yourself.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 03:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Honestly, I would not feel threatened with DH looking at SI, because I know that he knows that not even in an alternative universe would he ever get one of these women to slap him the face let alone date him. LOL. But I do feel a tiny bit jealous when I see him looking at his industry music magazines and they have some respected, critically acclaimed rock chick on the cover. She doesn't even have to be particularly good looking but I know that the fact she can rock out turns my husband on. And don't let them be a bass player (his instrument) he really loses his mind. LOL. Yikes!
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 02:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]take bass lessons.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 03:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Ha. Ha. You are definitely speaking to the musically impaired. LOL. But I can sing pretty well and have sang back-up, basically oohs, yays on some of my husband's tracks. He says I sound like Minnie Riperton (telling my real age). He did say he'd teach my guitar so I can have my own jam sessions with the new baby.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 03:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Take him up on it! Women with guitars are sexy.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 03:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am. We're going to Guitar Center to get me one of those "starter guitars".
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 03:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Great! Get one that's good enough that you'll enjoy playing it. Yamahas are the best quality & best sounding cheap acoustic guitars out there. But if dh is a musician, he'll have his own views on this -- though if his views disagree with mine, they're wrong. :-)
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 04:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
DH here. Don't get depressed. Was he showing off the issue to you and making snarky comments - probably not. I look at the issue too and then put it away. Unless he's rich or looks like some Hollywood star, they're out of his league. I know they're out of mine. You can't ask him no to fantasize, except in front of the kids.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 03:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Anyone know any of these marriage counselors? Trying to find one in midtown. Stramiel...
Talk : : February 12, 2009
[+] I was just beginning to feel a little more detached from my affair, but we met for a ... 102 replies
- Then rewrite the rules. Signed, Open Marriage Mom....
- you mean my marriage? I think about him all the time whether I see...and also sees himself as the victim of an unhappy marriage and therefore entitled to this behavior. I am not...you physically or emotionally? (5) what was your parents' marriage like? (6) what is your relationship with your father like...
Talk : : February 12, 2009
I was just beginning to feel a little more detached from my affair, but we met for a drink last night and made out for hours. Now I'm right back where I was. I can't extricate myself.
102 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.12.09, 06:36 AM [ Flag ]what does he do?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]gee, why don't I just write his name? no, I'm not going to out him, but I will say that i have never experienced kissing like this in my life.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i dont think his job would out him
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]actually, it would.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]lol, i doubt that very much
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]it doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm in love with him, married, and in a crazy situation.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]would he leave his dw?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]almost certainly never, though I don't doubt he's in love with me. I'm nowhere near wanting to leave dh either.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]why are you so sure, that he wouldnt?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]He loves his family very very much. he's an excellent husband and father, excepting the obvious way in which he isn't.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]how many kids does he have?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]three
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Actually, he's not an "excellent husband" if he's out whoring with you.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Did you read the part where she said "excepting the obvious way in which he isn't"??
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 12:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Is he Mayor of New York City?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]haha -- that's my guess.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]way, way, way, way better looking.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Former Washington D.C. Mayor Marion Berry!!!
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Duh Bitch Set Me Up!!
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Barack?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]anchor of the daily show?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]and he made out with her navel
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I wish!! :-)
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Bloomberg?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
ok, whats his name?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]John Smith
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
is he married? kids?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes and yes.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
This is the game. It's a power thing. Once he feels he is losing you he will reel you back in. Then you will want him more, he will feel powerful, and keep you dangling. I hate men like this.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I just don't believe that he's playing this game. I really don't. I've been completely honest with my feelings for him specifically because I don't want to be "reeling him in" or prevaricating. I think he's as confused about his feelings for me as I am about mine for him. Maybe this is all totally naive of me.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Naive of you.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Naive. Signed, In a Similar Situation. It is ALL about the game.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]And just because YOU Have been honest with him about your feelings does not mean he will reciprocate or has. He is confused, fine. Men love power. End of story.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]so I should stop being so forthright about how much I care about him? Give me advice.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]how often do you see him?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, you are just giving him fodder. You tell me. When you tell him how much you care, does he pay less attention to you? Seems you got a whopping dose of attention from him once you extricated yourself a bit.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ah, I see. I think it's more complicated than that but I see what you're saying. I think he's just being a chicken. He's scared of his feelings for me so HE also tries to extricate, then can't take it anymore. I never email him first...
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's nice to tell yourself that. really. Tell yourself whatever you want. You are making excuses for him, any way you slice it. You are scared of your feelings for him yet you jumped at the chance to see him. Sounds like he's fine leaving you dangling for a few weeks at a time while he allegedly deals with those "feelings." I know I am being harsh, but I've been in this situation for almost a year now and frankly I am tired of it and would prefer to save someone from the same stupidity I blinded myself with.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]so are you getting out of it? tell me a little bit about your situation.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I never fully got into it. He wants to hook up. I enjoy the attention, but I can see that he is just selfish and self-involved, and also sees himself as the victim of an unhappy marriage and therefore entitled to this behavior. I am not saying my marriage, or I, am perfect. I enjoy the attention, but I obsess about it too much. And I don't like how he seems to contact me only when he likes to. Discussing it in therapy helped me realize this is a power situation for him. He LOVES to hear me tell him how terrific he is. Who wouldn't? But will he ever be reliable? No. If I can't just have fun with it, it is not worth doing. And his behavior is less and less fun for me. More like I feel used, and glad I never took it to the next level.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Also - I think that there are "types" of people who can have sex/etc. without emotion, just purely for the physical. But sorry - you sound pretty emotionally invested in this as well. I would not be surprised if he tapers off for a while now. NOT because of fear of his emotions, but because he knows he has you right where he wants you. Why work any harder?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]And I might add - it feels damn good to tell him I am not available just cuz he wants me. So there.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I feel for you, but your situation is totally different than mine. My, um, friend does not have a bad marriage. He is not selfish or unreliable. And both of us are completely emotionally invested. I'm not trying to argue with you--just saying you are giving me advice based completely on your own situation without acknowledging the huge differences there can be in situations like this.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Ok - if we are so different - why does he let so much time go by between seeing you?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]do you know how hard it is for two married people with children and successful, busy careers to find time to be together??
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 06:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Doesn't sound like she's making any more excuses for him than for herself. They should both grow up.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You can't know that without knowing him.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
There is no evidence that he is playing games any more than she is.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
oh yes. I remember
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
the only thing to do is stop seeing him. You will never extricate yourself otherwise. Life is a bummer- unfortunately the rules say that we can't have our cake and eat it too
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Then rewrite the rules. Signed, Open Marriage Mom.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I know this isn't the point of your post, but curious. Where do you meet for a drink and make out for hours, without fear of getting caught? Did you make out in the bar/restaurant??
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]we met at a discreet bar and didn't know anyone there. We were sitting in a little booth in the back. Yes, I guess objectively I am afraid someone we know will see us. In the moment, it just doesn't seem so important...
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]where did he tell his wife he was?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]business. Always business.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]how often do you see him?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]every couple of weeks. Not nearly often enough
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]where do you have sex?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]hotels
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]What do you tell DH? Business also?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes. I have a job that sometimes involves functions in the evenings.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Why do you have the need to post this? What's your issue?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 06:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np-go away. Isn't it obvious why someone who can't talk to anyone in real life would post on an anonymous board??? esp when a lot of women here seem to be in the same situation?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]a lot? How many? Why can't she she talk to people IRL? She claims not to feel guilty and doesn't see anything wrong.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: Where in the WORLD did I claim not to feel guilty????? I totally feel guilty.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Do you? I'm surprised. Guilty about what though?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]guilty that it endangers our families. Guilty that it could hurt our children. Guilty that it could hurt my dh. What a dumb question.... stop being so antagonistic.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Not guilty enough to stop, right? You could hurt all these people, in fact you're already, they just don't know it yet, but you and your whatever feeling is more important to you than others. It's called selfish, not feeling guilty. How can I not feel so antagonistic thinking about your children and his children?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I guess you can't, clearly. And the answer is yes, not nearly guilty enough to stop.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
What did you think would happen when you met for a drink?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I hoped exactly what would happen would happen.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^sorry I mean exactly what DID happen
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
you have a chemistry with him.. and the best thing for you to do is not see him; otherwise you will start to think about him all the time - in an unrational way and definitly will affect your message and his. If it hasnt already
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you mean my marriage? I think about him all the time whether I see him or not.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i was you - sans children. i became obsessed. chemisry was beyond incredible. i eventually left my husband and it did not work out w/the other guy either. think about it realistically. he is not so wonderful to do that to his family. quite the cad. if its worth risking it all?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well, since she's equally not-so-wonderful, and equally a cad, maybe they're a good match.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]jealous much?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Huh? Jealous of what? Snarky, yes, but I don't see where jealousy comes into my prior comment. The OR commented negatively about the man in the affair, and how it's not so wonderful, and caddish, to do what he's doing. I pointed out that the same is true of the OP. I am sure that if the guy is getting advice, he's hearing: "She's cheating on her first husband now, why wouldn't she cheat on her second husband?" And that advice would be correct. Exactly as correct as the comment above that I was responding to, calling him a cad.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: I agree with you - they're both cads and deserve each other.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
how did you meet?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 07:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think you've written here before and I believe that you do want to have this affair. So have it. Go with it. Do NOT discuss it with your husband. Try to be sophisticated about it and be VERY aware about how much you both are willing to give up for each other. cont'd
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]be very honest with YOURSELF about what you're willing to give up or lose. If you want to remain married, make it a priority. Understand that he may not be willing to disrupt his family life for the affair.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I havne't posted before but have read the threads of others with a lot of interest. I DO want to have this affair, so badly that I feel powerless to extricate myself from it, but it is so painful. Why allow myself to fall so completely in love with someone I can never be with?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Sounds like you are masochistic. It's one thing to be attracted physically to someone but you are into the psychodrama big time. You need to read up on this stuff. You have lots of issues. Not being mean but you're going to mess up your kids because of this. Think of your daughter (if you have one), would you want her to do something like this? This guy is messing with your head. Would not be surprised at all if he has several women on a string. You have intimated that he is well known (probably a politician) so he most likely has others. Don't believe he "loves" you. That's just a line. Come on, grow up.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]what a retarded, one-note, clueless and unnuanced response.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]There's nothing complex about integrity. It's not drama, it's common sense. either divorce your husband and marry this douchebag or don't. But have some personal integrity.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 10:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP is clearly not interested in personal integrity.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 10:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Don't worry, the crazy love feeling will go away once you get to know more of his flaws- remember being a teenager? That feeling does not last. Stay with him until it wears off or stop seeing him 100%- the feeling goes away the same way it would if you stop smoking for a while
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 05:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You know, true love is real. It can happen that these two really have something real and their circumstance is what is keeping them from being together. It can happen. My mom met her true love while married to my dad. I met my true love while he was married (now we're married w/ kids) and actually, my dad met his true love while she was married!! Wow! anyway, it can happen.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]this is true. but, and I do believe in love, when a person begins a relationship by being sneaky, cowardly, cruel and mendacious to the person their presently married to, there's no reason to think that there is a severe character defect in that person that could repeat itself. And, I have had an affair. And I know what it's like to fall passionately in love.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Not being snarky. So you think you hve a character defect and did your marriage end. Affairs are toxic. I think most people who have affairs are bored basically and are looking for an adrenaline rush. Also, most people I know who got divorced knew they shouldn't have married their spouses but did it for social reasons, afraid of being old maids, needing to be taken care of etc.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
true love is real.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Before I married DH (but when future-DH and I were living together), I tried in vain to extricate from guilt-ridden on-and-off affair that was smoking hot but was clearly never going to go anywhere as far as a real relationship. Nothing worked until df said affair man was getting tremendous pysychological gratification from keeping me on a string. My own sense of pride and embarrasment kicked in and I finally broke it off for good. Now, many years later am happily married with dcs and thank god that I never ran off with, or destroyed relationship with future DH over, affair man.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You said it better than I could. Signed, Similar Situation Mom.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I knew a guy (friend of old boyfriend) who admitted that he liked messing with girls' heads. He later married a friend (she got pregnant). Tried to get her to break up with him before she got pregnant. Guess what they hate each other and are miserable. He's miserable too. There alot of gameplaying guys out there. Women too often think men are simple and clueless. Believe me, many are conniving.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]There are some. I think there are quite a lot more game-playing women.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 10:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Oh come on, LOVE? Seriously. puh leez Those of us who fight hard for our families and our husbands who are worn out and sometimes bored with sex and sometimes content... and and and. All the things that love really is, you are tainting what it really is. Read Thich Nhat Hanh's book True Love. It's not about the tingle btw your legs when you make out in a risky situation.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Some really interesting questions: (1) did you marry young? (2) alternatively, are you in fact young? (3) do you have children? (4) has your husband cheated on you or abused you physically or emotionally? (5) what was your parents' marriage like? (6) what is your relationship with your father like?
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 05:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]1) 25 years 2) 35 years 3) two dcs 4)not that I know of and no 5) terrible and 6) terrible.
[ Reply | Options ]02.13.09, 06:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thanks for #5 and #6. This speaks volumes, and reinforces a theory I have about how bad relations with fathers screw up daughters tremendously. It sounds like you dont understand how men should treat you (ie your father should be the first man in your life who loves you unconditionally), and it sounds like you have a bad marriage to pattern what "good marriages" look like.
[ Reply | Options ]02.14.09, 06:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
are you the same person who responded to my post last week? long-term friend with this guy, had sex once and was really yearning for more time with him. if so, i'm glad you got to see him! sounds like a great time. I'm still so confused about my situation but I plan to talk to him about it next week.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 05:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] a secret I will take to my death: sister's dh hit on me before they got married, when... 8 replies
- sorry. did he cheat while in the marriage?...
Talk : : February 11, 2009
a secret I will take to my death: sister's dh hit on me before they got married, when they were still living together. they're now divorced. it was a horrible divorce for her. she never saw it coming. they were married for 13 years
8 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.11.09, 01:53 PM [ Flag ]sorry. did he cheat while in the marriage?
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 01:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]no, I don't think so. so does that mean I'm absolved for not telling her?
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 01:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^I feel guilty for not telling her then, but I was much younger (obviously, but I was younger than her too). and I could never tell her now
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 01:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]no! i think you're absolved... he wasn't married at the time, didn't cheat (with you or others); it was just a passing fancy, right?
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 02:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]sorry, had to step away for a while. He tried twice, brushed him off both times, then never again
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 02:54 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]good; you're fine. let it go.
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 02:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Mostly likely no good would have come out of telling her. I had a similar situation with a close friend - the BF (who was a total creep) actually "confessed" to my friend, somehow the whole thing ended up my fault, I lost the friend, and she ended up married to the creep anyway.
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 02:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 04:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Anyone know any of these marriage counselors? Trying to find one in midtown. Stramiel... 1 reply
Talk : : February 11, 2009
Anyone know any of these marriage counselors? Trying to find one in midtown. Stramiello, Pamela, Jonas, Ruth H, Millen, Sharon, Ashendorf, Audrey, Mackintosh, ADELE FEKETE
1 reply [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.11.09, 01:33 PM [ Flag ]Adele Mackintosh was excellent -- saved our marriage.
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 02:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Anyone know any of these marriage counselors? Trying to find one in midtown. Stra...
Talk : : February 11, 2009
[+] Can anyone recommend a marriage counselor in Midtown Manhattan? 1 reply
Talk : : February 11, 2009
[+] I think I want to leave my husband. The problem is he is an amazing father, an amazi... 5 replies
- Sounds like you are missing the passion and excitement of the early stage of courtship and marriage. It's normal to feel this way and normal for marriage to change. And it will change again (for the better) once you move beyond the deadening stage of early child-rearing. Hang in there; it's worth it....
Talk : : February 10, 2009
I think I want to leave my husband. The problem is he is an amazing father, an amazing, person and an amazing partner - he just doesnt "do it " for me. I know it sounds so selfish but I feel like I settled and am missing something. If we didnt have two young kids it would be over and done. I am trying but not wholehartedly as I also have feeling for someone I had a brief affair with. I know he isn't the one for me, but the fact that I have stronger feeling for him than for my husband scares me. I dont know what to do...
5 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.10.09, 10:44 PM [ Flag ]How does DH feel, do you know?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 11:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Sounds like you are missing the passion and excitement of the early stage of courtship and marriage. It's normal to feel this way and normal for marriage to change. And it will change again (for the better) once you move beyond the deadening stage of early child-rearing. Hang in there; it's worth it.
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 05:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you don't base altering the lives of 3 other people other than yourself (2 of whom are you kids), on feelings for a human who probably does not share them for you. the other man has not given to you one thousandth of what your dh has...i am sure your dh has worked, sacrificed, supported and loved you and your kids far more than this other person. before leaving - see if what's missing is inside YOU, instead of inside your marriage. i speak from experience.
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 05:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Read Fromm, The Art of Loving. I'm a better spouse for having read it.
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 05:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, that is completely selfish. You made a choice to have children with him so you don't have the right to turn their world upside down because you feel like you're missing something. Sounds like you will never be happy. Read the paradox of choice.
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 05:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Can anyone give me advice? I am a mother of 2 (6 and 4yo) in a very happy financially... 40 replies
- a family of 5 kids. it is the opinion of the older kids that my parents should probably have terminated. their marriage ended in divorce from the stress and pressure, and none of us kids got any cultivating attention. it is not...add joy, your decision to terminate could have so many negative effects on you that may in turn disrupt your marriage and your relationship with your other children. If they find out one day it will very likely damage your relationship...
Talk : : February 10, 2009
Can anyone give me advice? I am a mother of 2 (6 and 4yo) in a very happy financially secure relationship. We are very happy with our place in time - kids are going to school, we are travelling again etc. Just 3 days ago we found out that I am pregnant again. We agreed immediately that I should terminate as we have just got our lives "back" and two beautiful children was all that we ever wanted. Now having had three days to think things through I don't know if I want this baby or not. I keep swinging from keeping it to terminating it. I have no idea of what the right decision is. My husband says he will be happy with whatever decision I make but I know that he would ideally like me to terminate. He thinks I am at risk being 40yo. and that my moods over the next two years would be detrimental to our marriage and to our other two children. I had a termination booked for today but rescheduled it for 3 days time to allow myself more time to reconsider. Any advice?
40 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.10.09, 05:49 PM [ Flag ]i call fake.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 05:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I second. Sounds like a triple bait!
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
well, think about it this way, what is best for your two kids? would having another child deprive them of focus and attention they might need? i admit i'm speaking for myself here - if i had another child it would cheat my first two; dh is a workaholic and almost all the childrearing is up to me; they both need more attention than i can squeeze out.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 05:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]my dh is a workaholic too so i know I will be raising this child as almost a "single mother". My thoughts also go to my other two as it obviously means that they will get less attention that they would like/need? i just can't help feeling that I will terminate for selfish reasons which I know is just that selfish.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 05:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]poster above: i come from a family of 5 kids. it is the opinion of the older kids that my parents should probably have terminated. their marriage ended in divorce from the stress and pressure, and none of us kids got any cultivating attention. it is not selfish to terminate if you don't think you can handle it all.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm not saying you are wrong, but I come from a big family too and I loved it. There is something that comes from siblings that you don't get from parents and even though I am not that close with the younger ones they bring something interesting to my life.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]well, yeah, i love my siblings too, and would probably have loved the one my mother actually did terminate. but the fact is, there were too many kids and if given the option we would probably choose a life where our parents could give us the attention we needed and they could give the attention they needed to give each other and their marriage.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Funny, I'm 40 and am going to ttc #3 in a few months. Get fixed if you don't want any more kids, for God's sake!
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 05:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I was you 12 years ago with everything you describe but I wasn't pg I was beginning to think of ttc. Well I did at 41 and became pg immediately and lost the pg at 7 weeks. It was devastating. I was bitten though and I tried (moved heaven & earth too) and finally had #3 at 45. This is not a life lesson lol but it's my story. Just make sure you really don't want #3.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 05:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]thankyou. It's eating me up but I hope the decision I ultimately make will be the right one. I appreciate your input.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]gl!
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]just a query if you don't mind sharing. What is the age gap between #2 and #3? If I go ahead with my pregnancy it will be 5 years difference.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: all the better! would would be amazed at how helpful siblings 4+ can be. It will be nothing like having a 2 yo and a newborn.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]did the older two experience or show any resentment towards you or the baby? and did it put a strain on your partner and yourself? or was it just harder for that two year period?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Keep it- it is only two more years of this and then you will be "back". You will be so happy with three in the long run.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]That was me a few years ago. I couldn't go through with the termination, but then I miscarried, and my overwhelming feeling was one of relief, not sorrow. Don't get me wrong -- I was sad. I cried. But I think some of my tears were guilt over just how relieved I felt. A few years later, and mostly I feel grateful. I have moments of wondering, but they are few and far between. Good luck making your decision. I know how hard it is.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I thought it would be easy but how wrong was I - thankyou for sharing your experience.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You do realize that the life inside of you is a living being. I can't believe people would terminate a living being. If you really don't want it, you should continue to carry it and then give it up for adoption. It's wrong to just take a life that you have been blessed with and it makes you a killer. Sorry but that's my honest opinion. If you were done you should have been more careful but killing it wrong and a bad example for your children.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have to agree with this. If you didn't want to get pregnant then proper precautions should have been taken. I realize mistakes happen but then you deal with them responsibly.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Totally agree.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I just had my 3rd dc and I'm 40 yr old. We were sure we were done having kids BUT when I got pg, I wouldn't even consider a termination. We just were in shock (the kids were 7yr and 3yr at the time) but the more we thought about it the more we were excited. Now I have my little boy (I have 2 girls) and I tell my dh all the time that I can't believe a yr ago he wasn't here. GL with whatever you choose
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:31 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^BTW if I were in my 20's, not married and no other dc, I would have probably terminated but termination is a not going to happen once I've had kids. The thought of not having one of them really bothers me
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]thankyou.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
to kill or not to kill . . .that is the question. how frivolous of you.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I know. Why not a tubal or vasectomy after the second kid if they were SURE they didn't want others?! Boggles the mind.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Your reasons for terminating just don't seem that compelling... I mean not traveling for a year or 2? Really? I think you will regret this.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Arg! This is too close to home. I am myself adopted, am 40, have two beautiful children we adore, and have fertility issues like crazy. We're trying for #3 with IVF. Already failed two rounds and start our last round next week - shots, etc. I would trade places with you in a hot minute, but of course, cannot. The world and fate are a funny thing. Be cautious my friend. This could haunt you for years to come. And if you were so sure, why did you not take more extreme measures? Sigh.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]We were taking measures - just not extreme - contraception aside, the fact remains that I am pregnant and unsure. I hope that you have good luck conceiving your third. You're right things do work in strange ways. many of my friends have had trouble conceiving that is why I don't want to mention this to them - they would feel let down - things are unjust sometimes. goodluck and thanks.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np Any reasonable 40 yo who doesn't want more kids is sterilized (or has her partner get sterilized). No brainer.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I know someone in your situation who chose to terminate...her whole world turned upside down after that. I think the decision will eat away at you for the rest of your life. A child will add joy, your decision to terminate could have so many negative effects on you that may in turn disrupt your marriage and your relationship with your other children. If they find out one day it will very likely damage your relationship with your children. I would never be able to look at my mother the same way if I found out she did what you are thinking about BECAUSE you have the resources and ability to care for a child.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I was not so sure about having a third child but DH pushed for it hard, to the point where his resentment about not having three was really damaging our marriage. I worried about resenting him for having a third, but took chances, got pregnant, no. 3 is now 9 month and while it is sometimes quite busy with 3, the older kids LOVE him, entertain him, he is very relaxed, a good sleeper, never cries and he is, of course, the apple of my eye and combines the best features of my older children in one person. Agree with above poster that it is very very different from having a 2-yr old and a baby. With No. 3, you will really enjoy the baby.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]thanks ... at least i will know what to do with my days when #2 starts school next year! Did your older two feel any resentment at all towards #3?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OR: No... one of the great things about No. 3 is that No. 1 and No. 2 have each other and don't feel threatened by the new addition. When No. 2 was a baby, I could never nurse her and rock her to sleep without No. 1 around who always felt lonely and excluded when I was with No. 2. As a result, No.2 got no attention at all! Now, No.1 and No.2 just keep playing while I change / nurse / rock No. 3.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 01:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Please don't offer me contraceptive advice or comments. That is not the question here. I know that my method of contraception wasn't enough, the fact remains however that I am pregnant(5 weeks)and unsure of what to do next. I don't want negative comments of that type - it doesn't help. Thankyou everyone else who has offered me real advice of their life experiences. I really appreciate it all - and yes, it does help - a lot. ... thanks
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]This is why I struggle with being pro-choice. How can people like this woman even have a choice about whether or not to kill her child??
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well, it doesn't sound like you are pro-choice for starters. Because no one who is pro-choice would refer to it as "kill her child". She very nicely asked that the comments about contraception be left out of it. I think we can honor that. And i am the "arg" adopted poster from above. And pro-choice. I was just lamenting, and probably shouldn't have. I do however, worry about how she might feel following a decision to terminate, given how ambivalent she is. This is very tough.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I think you should have the baby. I guess I am a bit like the animals in Animal Farm. Some animals are more equal than others -- that is, I am pro-choice for only some people. I mean, of course you have a choice, but I feel that since you are happily married and financially stable the scales are weighted in one direction for what your choice "should" be. I realize I'm being a hypocrite, but I think you guys should keep the baby and that you will be happy you did. I agree with above posters who say it will haunt you if you don't keep it. I've never been in your situation though, so really I have no right to tell you what to do. I honestly wish you luck with your decision and only you and DH know what's really best for your family.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You sound pretty selfish. You should terminate if you are considering it.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thankyou to everyone who offered me advice. It was an enormous help just being able to air how I was feeling. In the end it will be a decision that my husband and I will make together and it will be the right one for our family.
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 10:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am #3, other sibs are 9 and 10 years older. One of my parents didnt want a 3rd and the other fought to keep it. Growing up they told me (almost daily) how happy they were to have had me. My sibs were like mini parents - made my mom's life much easier. I can safely say my parents havent had one ounce of regret! GL with your decision!
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 12:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] DH is so mean and superior. School app process brought out the worst in him. He is ... 1 reply
Talk : : February 10, 2009
DH is so mean and superior. School app process brought out the worst in him. He is so critical and superior. I can do no right. Can anyone recommend a good couple's counselor or else just a divorce lawyer in Manhattan? Another Manhattan marriage on the rocks here. So sad for the kids.
1 reply [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.10.09, 05:10 PM [ Flag ]Applying for schools is a stressful time. If it's the first time you've observed those traits in him, I would suggest waiting for a couple of weeks to see if he'll go back to normal. Sorry, can't help with counselor or lawyer.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 05:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Since our finances (thanks to my income plummeting) have gone in the toilet, DH is ha... 6 replies
- Marriage counseling....
Talk : : February 10, 2009
Since our finances (thanks to my income plummeting) have gone in the toilet, DH is hateful to me. Calls me names, is emotionally & verbally abusive. This has happened much of our marriage, but it feels so old school now. If 6 months ago I listed the things he has done to me, you would say leave his ass & why did you marry him? What now that I am completely financially dependent.
6 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.10.09, 05:08 PM [ Flag ]Do you have dcs? How many/how old?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 05:54 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]2, 4 & 5 yos
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Marriage counseling.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 05:54 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have begged, cried & so on. He can't put himself aside to do it.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Then maybe counseling for yourself, to get through this. You have a lot on your plate with 3 dcs under the age of 5.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
they feel threatened by the whole thing. maybe you should just start the steps, the counselor might have some advice on how to handle resistance.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Has this economic correction strengthened the bonds of your marriage, or shown it for... 1 reply
Talk : : February 10, 2009
Has this economic correction strengthened the bonds of your marriage, or shown it for the house of straw that it really is?
1 reply [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.10.09, 03:03 PM [ Flag ]DH cashed us out of the stockmarket 13 months ago and is working at a start up hedge fund with excellent pay. We're doing fine and I admire his savvy and tenacity to have succeeded over the last year. No straw here.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 03:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Was anyone in a mediocre marriage, got divorced and much happier because of it? 2 replies
- i am in a mediocre marriage now, but since i only make $45K per year, i doubt i'd be happier divorced....
Talk : : February 10, 2009
Was anyone in a mediocre marriage, got divorced and much happier because of it?
2 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.10.09, 09:03 AM [ Flag ]i am in a mediocre marriage now, but since i only make $45K per year, i doubt i'd be happier divorced.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I did. Many years ago. No money, no real education, crappy receptionist job making 18K, with two children 16 months apart and I made like Flo-Jo and got the heck away from my douche of an ex. I always tell people, even 17 years later, it was one of the best decisions I ever made in my list of top ten best life changes.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Can anyone recommend a marriage counselor in Midtown Manhattan?
Talk : : February 10, 2009
[+] DH admitted to me last night he had an affair for 6 weeks and it ended 3 weeks ago. ... 121 replies
- individual therapy. I am a firm believe that marriage is work,and that we all owe it...a wake-up call and perhaps a second chance. Marriages take work being faithful is hard; being interesting...
- Because marriages take work and both parties need to do...telling the OP she should "help" him because "marriage takes work"? I have never seen a group...years. Some men aren't worth helping, some marriages aren't worth "working on" and the SEXIST...
Talk : : February 10, 2009
DH admitted to me last night he had an affair for 6 weeks and it ended 3 weeks ago. We have an 8 month old daughter, said it happened because he was looking for companionship and friendship, which apparently we don't have anymore. I am so hurt but can't cry in front of my daughter. We're going to counseling tonight, our 2nd appt. Wish I could leave town but I got laid off and am trying to find a new job. My mom is supposed to visit Thurs night and leave Friday. Am not sure what to tell her, to come or not to come. I want to repair my relationship w/ Dh but am so hurt. Not sure what to do first- tell all my friends and sister and have everyone hate him? Tell his mother? Tell his brother to expect him to start living on his couch? What about us and our family? Thanks for listening.
121 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.10.09, 06:49 AM [ Flag ]is he sorry? sounds like a lame excuse to me
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]first of all, i'm so sorry you are dealing with this. secondly, don't say anything to anyone. it's not worth it b/c once the cat is out of the bag it's that much harder for you to deal with things the way you want to. if you are able and wanting to reconcile, you'll have all these people judging you. if you end up separating, you'll have people judging you. picking sides. keep your private business private. good luck.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]this is excellent, excellent advice. I have btdt (not on infidelity but on another issue). If you tell people you get in the trap of explaining and justifying your position. Talk to the therapist only.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: ITA
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Hi. This totally sucks. I really know how you feel. 2 1/2 years ago my dh had an affair on a business trip, that he continued. We had a 3 month old. I didn't find out, but he told me he didn't love me anymore. Then I found out when the dumb bitch tried to 'chat' with him & it was me instead. Confronted him. He admitted it, said he had no intention of ending it (even though she was in Europe). I went to counseling. We didn't tell anyone. He went to counseling (never together). We had one good weekend, he said things were over with her. We had another good weekend and had sex (I had been tested and got the all clear). I got pregnant. He said he wasn't sure he wanted this. I told him that I was done waiting, that I was moving on with my life & he agreed (although we made changes)...this was Halloween, but Thanksgiving he wanted back in & finally started saying 'i love you' again...a couple weeks later he became violently ill, he completely cut off contact with the chic...at Christmas he was willing to do anything and everything...by then i sort of wanted him to leave b/c I didn't want any more heartache. I stayed basically b/c I had nowhere to go and had a 6 month old, another on the way and a shitty job. He held up his end of the bargain, he found a retreat for troubled marriages that we went on, then he took me on vacation, and we really started communicating and working on things. By the time the baby was born we were really in a good place. Now, almost 2 1/2 years later our marriage is better than it ever was, we are more in love, and to be honest it still sucks to feel the pain, but when I see where we are today I'd say I'm glad we worked it out and we are continuing to.
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 03:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
If you want to try and save relationship, don't tell a soul.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]"Looking for companionship and friendship" means you have an infant, he is no longer the center of the world, and he can't handle it. Incredibly immature, but also incredibly common.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ita. what a dipwad
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I agree with those advising you not to tell anyone. Having to deal with their judgment will only make things worse. Why did he feel the need to tell you if he ended it?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thank you all for replying. My bottom lip is quivering right now but I guess you're right - maybe don't tell a soul until we figure things out but I am just so hurt. We went to counseling first because he's been distant, we haven't been intimate since baby, etc. He told me because he's been acting so distant, answering questions with one word and I told him last night that I need answers, that this is important to me and I need to know what is going on.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]He told me he's afraid of hurting me and I said he already has by his sudden personality change and finally he said he lied to me when I asked him weeks ago if he was having an affair. Is he sorry? He's sorry for hurting me because he thought he never would. But he did and we are changed forever.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I know right now it's hard to imagine, but you can actually come out of this in a better place. changed, yes, but better
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Hi, I don't know if you're still checking this thread OP. I went through this 2 1/2 years ago...it was the MOST awful experience of my life. I had a 2 1/2 month old and DH had no intention of ending his affair.
[ Reply | Options ]02.11.09, 02:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I told him to sleep on the couch, maybe tomorrow night he should go to his brother's. But what about Thursday? Do we put up a happy front in front of my mom?? I think that will be very hard to do. Sigh.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you really don't need the extra pressure. can you just tell her right now is not a good time?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i'm not trying to kick you when you are down but you did ask for an answer. obviously, you would have wished the answer was 'no' but the fact is that you insisted and he ended up being honest with you. so you can't blame him for telling you. now it's time to work with the knowledge and see if you can make things better. you're right you are changed forever. but that doesn't mean it can't be rebuilt and made stronger, if you both are willing. take it one day at a time. good luck.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
douchebag. sorry. you can get through this, though, but it will be hard...and he needs to man up
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
because he feels guilty (not OP). Give it a chance. Go to therapy and try to work it out. That is my gut advice.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You're furious and devastated and rightly so, but please don't try to get revenge by trashing him to everyone. Take the high road and say nothing; you will thank yourself later. If you can trust your mom to hear you and to take care of you, lean on her. GL and God bless.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you think her mom's going to be objective about this? I doubt it
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]She doesn't need objective, she needs supportive and discreet.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: Why does she has to take everything upon herself? She has cheated DH and a baby to take care of. She needs support and someone to talk to. If she can't confide in her mom, who else can she talk to? I think it's too much to ask her to keep quiet. She's human.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]therapist or a friend...
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]b/c her mom has a vested interest in the outcome and will probably not be able to be objective.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i could NEVER tell my mom and expect support in my case if that happened to me. She would find a way to twist it and blame me. Thats another story. Moms are not always supportive and unconditional. DONT TELL YOUR MOM
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]She needs to tell SOMEONE who can support her. Why everyone is trying to silence her? The guy is a jerk and HE should pay for the consequence of his action, not HER. HE screwed up and SHE has to be silent as if nothing happened? I read the whole thread and I'm not sure if this guy is worth holding on to. He doesn't sound contrite, and if she clings to him now, he may walk all over her again. It is worth trying to save this marriage only if her DH is really sorry for what he did and he is willing to do whatever it takes to make the repair. However, she is in such a vulnerable position. She needs in the minimum some kind of emotional support as well as sound legal advice!
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree that she does need strong emotional support, but sometimes a mother may not provide that should OP decide she WANTS to stay with this guy. She needs someone who is not going to push her to do one thing or another. Also, I totally feel for OP, but I am not about to tell her to dump the guy. None of us is in the relationship but her. We don't know the whole thing. We don't know that he wasn't a good husband before this. We don't know that he will not be contrite. I've never been of the "dump him because he cheated" camp. Most relationships are more complex than that and there are many successful relationships that have surmounted such an obstacle if the foundation of the marriage was strong to begin with. Yes, he has to start over and prove himself and work his ass off, but I would not toss the marriage out of hand -- especially when there is an 8 month old in the equation. If OP still loves him and wants it to work, why shouldn't she at least see if it's possible?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 02:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
My mom already thinks something is up because he and I have spent the last 2 weekends apart and she mailed some book about courage and strength. I can't tell her he cheated - she will judge forever and treat him and his family colder than me. He told his best friend who is our DD's godfather; I like that friend and apparently he said he was very disappointed in him.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]God, I am so sad, am crying now, DD is rolling around on floor about to eat cable cord.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]grab dd
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]agree. hold DD, smell her head (I always loved doing that) and go out for a long walk with her, especially good if you have an ergo or similar carrier that holds her against your body. good luck to you
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
np:My mom and I are extremely close, but if I told her dh had an affair, she'd never get over that. I agree it's tough not to say anything, but if you want to repair your relationship, you don't want your mom knowing because it will forever ruin her relationship with DH and life is long. I feel for you and the whole thing sucks especially when you're busting your ass with a nb and have lost your job. What an ASS. But if you love him and want to work it out, you should do everything you can (as long as he is willing to also put in the work.)
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I agree with all posters re. keeping it private, maybe talking to one friend you can really trust (or a private session with the therapist)? But remember you need to do something for YOU - you have the right to be angry, hurt, cry, mourn the loss of trust in your marriage, etc. Make sure you figure out a way to let yourself do all that. I just said a little prayer for you. GL
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: ITA. The OP says that she "wants to repair her relationship with DH" but really it's DH that needs to take drastic steps to repair HIS relationship with HER. I mean, she has a young child and she's out of work, so she's in an incredibly vulnerable position, and he does THIS? And then blames it on a "lack of companionship". To me, that's a breach of trust that goes way beyond infidelity.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree with all of the above, however, you need to show him that this is so so soooooooo not ok. Make him work for your love and trust again. I agree, keep in private, but damn honey you make sure he knows that reason is NOT because of him. My advice is to let all of your feelings happen, don't hold it in. Be angry, be sad, be numb...whatever you need to feel, feel it and don't worry about the rest. Your Daughter will undertstand if Mommy is having a tough day.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thank you all. What is "NP: ITA" by the way. So what do I do, obviously not talk with him, meet him at therapist tonight and take it from there. You're right, I am in an extremely vulnerable position. He said he's felt the lack of companionship for a while, perhaps even prior to baby. Then he actually sounded suicidal, that he quits everything, that the world has nothing to offer him, etc. He doesn't want to be a part-time father to our daughter because he knows first hand what that is like. Obviously a lot to disucss tonignt.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP=new poster. ITA=I totally agree
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np means 'new poster'. ita is 'i totally agree'.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]do what you can to purge a little today. so you're not a total emotional mess tonight
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Exactly, don't speak with him. Be cordial, but distant. Sadly, it's time to play the game again. You've been vulnerable for a long time, pregancy..postbaby...he should have been there for you. You agree to that when you get married and get pregnant! What, this was all a walk in the park for you- are you kidding me?! Sounds like he needs to do some growing up. The world has nothing to offer him!? what about family...does he know how many people would love to be in his situation?! this make me so angry...you seem like a really nice person. if he can't value you and the family he started, then honey, he doesn't deserve to be a part of it. remember that.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thank you all. You're right, he needs to do some growing up and know that I am the best thing that has ever or will happen to him. Ok, I must return to being a mom to my daughter now, I feel I am neglecting her. If you see me strolling and sobbing in Central Park, please lend me a tissue. :(
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]good luck! be strong :) you're wonderful and worth so much more that this!
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: I just logged on and saw this thread. If you're still watching, I want to commend you for being so strong about this. It must be devastating. Give yourself plenty of time and space to heal from this. Don't worry about your dd; I am sure you're a great mom to her.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thanks, although this is day #1 and I am not feeling strong. Am avoiding calls from mom and sister because I will cry.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I feel for you. Be sure you do whatever you need to do.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^ Also, I think you need your own therapist right now. It will give you a time and space in which you can work through your feelings.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
"he needs to do some growing up and know that I am the best thing that has ever or will happen to him. " How are you so sure? All the blasting of this guy is totally fair. But (1) don't underestimate the power of depression (and he is clearly clinically depressed), and (2) don't assume you did nothing to cause this. If you want to reconcile, then you need to be as honest and hard on yourself as you are, rightly, demanding that he be on himself. Maybe it's true that everything you have done is 100% good, and he is 100% at fault, a complete cad, immature, and whetever else. But 100% - 0% would be an extremely unusual balance of fault. If you take this situation as an opportunity to gain the upper hand, it will become a no-win situation for everyone. Btw -- if this post seems one-sided, it's because the other side has been amply covered by all the other posts.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
That suicidal act is so manipulative and narcissistic. Sorry.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I would leave. But thats just me. I wouldn't be able to get over that.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm back, baby is napping. I agree with what someone said earlier - that does he know how many people would love to be in his situation. From the outside, we look like a happy, normal couple, I am not a psycho like some of his friends' wives and he has said in that past that I am the best wife. But apparently not. Someone else wrote I should leave. But how do I do that, especially w/a baby. I think the best gift you can give a child is love and having the baby see love between her parents. At some point, it was there and when I asked him if he loved me, he asked "What is love?" I think he is majorly depressed now and rightfully so because he has thrown our love away. On top of all of this, Valentine's Day is our engagement day anniversary. I am speechless and at least we have our therapist appt tonight.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'd be scared by his, "what is love?" answer. If he didn't say yes, then the answer is no. I would prep for leaving, probably within a year or two.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I totally agree. Even though sometimes I feel distance with My DH due to our baby his crazy wrok schedule etc.. we always say we love each other and make at least some time once a week for us.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Plenty of bad stuff to get upset about here, but the "what is love" answer is not part of it. That answer doesn't mean, prove, or show anything one way or the other other than that this is not a coolly calculated process on his part. If it were, he would have rehearsed an answer. I am not criticizing the DW here, but as a simple practical matter she ought to be aware that asking "do you love me" in the middle of that particular conversation is not going to elicit a useful response. It will either be "of course I love you" -- which could be calculated, since it's the obvious answer or could possibly be heartfelt -- or on the other hand the answer could be "Uhh... umm..." or some variant -- which would be the most natural answer for a man asked a question of that type under emotionally stressful circumstances, regardless how he "really" feels. None of this excuses or criticizes anything DH or DW did, it's just a fact. Asking a man for quick and open honestly self-aware emotional responses in the middle of an intense and emotionally bewildering moment is simply not productive, since men are not really very capable of that. Note the word "quick" in there, it's key. Men take more time to understand and articulate their own feelings than women do. Any snap answer demanded while the 'fight or flight' reflex is in full effect will be uninformative -- maybe true, maybe false, but definitely uninformative.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I feel really bad for you. I was the one to tell you to leave. But that is just what I would do in the situation. I don't think I could ever trust DH again. And there is no way I could not tell my mom and sister. But if you want to work it out that is up to you. Although you will need some outside support system to get through this.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA, but I think his answer to "what is love" pretty much says it all....
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I agree. His "what's love" is a back-handed pimp slap in the face to you. If it were me, and knowing how gangsta I am, I would leave and would use the counseling as a way to transition our home and children with him being gone. I can forgive a 6 week fling. But if my husband came at me with some bull-shit about "what is love"? Like he doesn't fucking know? I'm out. And I would at least tell my parents. I would not protect his reputation with my folks. He wasn't thinking about his rep when he was running up in the next woman. I would not bad mouth him so as I can look my children in the eye. But I would lay out the cold hard facts for my parents.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA! She needs to prepare to leave, and she'll need the support of her family so she should definitely tell them.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Do you love him - or do you love the idea of the relationship? What do you want from the outcome? The first year with a baby is soooo challenging, many couple struggle. Sounds like DH might be suffering from depression?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Don't be swayed by all the 'you should leave him' posters. YOU need to decide what is right for YOU (and DC), and only AFTER you have had time to digest, work through emotions, and ideally get some individual therapy. I am a firm believe that marriage is work,and that we all owe it to our marriages and children to try to save them, even after something like this. However, sometimes leaving is the right answer. There is no way you will know what way to go right now, or probably even weeks from now. As long as you and DC are physically safe, do not make any decisions right now. GL, thinking of you.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
It would make a huge difference to me the relationship ended three weeks ago (did he break it off or did she?) and whether he still has contact (ie a coworker or someone like that).
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^sorry, why and how it ended.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]This is a really fresh affair. Do you think he told you about it because he wants out? I know if I had an affair I would go to all lengths to hide it unless I wanted out of my marriage.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]six weeks is also a long time for a fling imo. I would really need more information on who and where this woman is.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Just like in the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You." He told his wife because he wanted her to kick him out and he was surprised when she didn't!
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Ugh. I'd have more respect for man who came up to me and said, I want out of this marriage and filed for divorce rather than pull some passive-aggressive nonsense of sleeping with another woman then telling me about it, hoping in the back of his mind, I'd divorce him and be the bad guy. What a douche. The fictional husband and OP's husband.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
How do you know that? Not that it's impossible (or even unlikely), but it's far from the only scenario. Maybe he was really guilty.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
he told her because she asked him repeatedly and he finally broke down and admitted it. read the post before assuming stuff
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 01:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Don't tell anyone yet. when your mom is here, take advantage and go out together and take a walk or even go to a movie. This is a step toward repair. I think DH wants to make this work, but doesn't know how to be both a father, the husband of a mother and still see you as his "girl-friend." You need to help him with this.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Hello, I'm back. The woman is a co-worker, she is married for 17 yrs w/ 2 kids. Apparently she told her husband yesterday, who is "disappointed" but they will stay together for the kids.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]My earlier comments about him needing companionship and friendship - last night I told him that if I am so mundane and boring to be with, then he should just leave. Regarding the affair, he said it was like a fantasy - there were no obligations or responsibilities. Why did it end? Sounded like it was mutual and they both realized they are married and have responsibilities. He said he realized the grass wasn't greener on the other side.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You have *both* been given a wake-up call and perhaps a second chance. Marriages take work being faithful is hard; being interesting and fresh and up beat with a baby is hard; when was the last time you two went on a date?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]We went on a date in November with another couple. His mom offered to babysit for this Saturday and he practically hung up on her. THis was before I knew.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]And beore that? And when were you last alone? Couples with babies need to be together alone....once a week...if possible.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]August for my birthday. I actually got us tickets to a concert last Tuesday; it was a part networking event for an association I belong to and part concernt. I got the time wrong and he thought it was over and went straight home. Believe me, I try to play little outings for us and us and baby.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You're right - he doesn't know how to be a father and husband and I will bring this up tonight in counseling. I think I will arrive first, tell the doctor what happened and then decide whether I can sit in the same room with him. Sigh. Sob. I think I am out of tears right now. Should he stay at his brother's tonight or for the rest of the week? THen what - wait for him to say "I want to come home" and see if I let him?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]be careful b/c he may not want to come home. he's confused and in affair mode. I don't believe he's ended it, especially if he's still in contact we her and she told her dh.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You also need to learn how to be both a mom and a lover and a wife. Two way street here.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
why haven't you been intimate since baby was born?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have tried and he said I come across as a broken record because I would ask him frequently without creativity. I think he no longer sees me as a sexual person but as a female body who breast-fed, which he thought was un-sexy. Sure, it is not sexy but I stopped 5 months ago.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you mean that he never initiated? wow. any history of mental illness in his family?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Maybe once or twice but I wasn't in the mood, still felt I was in a pregnant body.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]this is a telling comment
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]what was you sex life like before the baby?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]He told the therapist that it wasn't very special, that we might have sex 2-3x a month at best and at the rate we were going, he was surprised I even got pregnant.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
sounds like they are both done with this. I knwo thsi is the last thing you wan to do, but right now, you need to reat dh like someone you are pursuing...you might be surprised at how well this works.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Huh? I need to "reat dh like someone I am pursuing?" YOu mean like ask him out on dates? I don't understand.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
OK. I know exactly what you're going thru b/c I went thru it 9 years ago when I was 8 months pregnant with my second child. I didn't tell anyone for a long time and it was the worse thing I did . I was so pregnant and so depressed and taking care of a toddler - it was awful I had the baby and 2 weeks later I told my sister. I was crying just saying we were having problems - well she pushed and pushed (we were on the phone) and when I finally told her, she was silent for a while - the all she said was "that bastard" she wispered it, adn I'll never forget it. she was my confidante after that adn kept my every secret. you need to be able to tell someone - who you can trust and who loves your dh and wants the two of you to work it out.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]why did she tell her dh? sounds like she want a divorce and to then hook up permanently with your dh.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]wow, that makes it worse knowing that he sees her everyday. also, she may leave her dh and really be on the prowl. I have no respect for a mother who would knowingly do that to another woman with a six month old. disgusting.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
NP: Why do we take selflessness for granted and expect it from women, and take selfishness for granted and expect it from men? Why should the OP be expected to help DH with his issues, when he's not doing anything to help her with hers (and actually is actively making them worse)?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]b/c she wants to save her marriage - plain and simple.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Because marriages take work and both parties need to do it. And how do we knwo what he is or isn't doing? Frankly, I think the fact that he has come clean and ened this is a big step.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Oh please! We know what he IS DOING which is cheating on his unemployed wife when they have an infant at home. And you're telling the OP she should "help" him because "marriage takes work"? I have never seen a group of women that were such apologists for bad male behavior.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]have you ever had to deal with this type of an issue in your marriage?? well, until you have, you really have no idea what it's like. back down and stop being so rude.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Our therapist is on his 2nd marriage and has no children - maybe he is not the best fit for us but I've talked with him in 2 sessions now and feel comfortable with him.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, I have dealt with it and watched my mother deal with it for over 35 years. Some men aren't worth helping, some marriages aren't worth "working on" and the SEXIST crap that is being dished out to the OP on this thread is making me incredibly angry. You all are trying to make this her fault and make it her job to fix it.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]who is trying to make it her fault?? yes, some marriages are not worth saving, but I think the op feels that hers is. who are we to tell her diff.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Read the thread. She's being interrogated by various posters and being told to examine how this may have been her fault. Did she hire enough babysitters? Initiate sex enough? Expect him to do the dishes after work? It's total B/S - but exactly what we always do - blame the woman. I'm fairly confident that if a woman came on here saying that she was the mother of an 8 m/o, her DH was unemployed, and she was having an affair b/c she needed "companionship" no one would be cutting her as much slack as so many her want to give the OP's DH.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^This is nonsense. Various women on here post about their affairs, some call themselves "Affair Mom", and they get a bit of flack, but mostly "OOh, sounds exciting, tell me more."
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Bull, people jump all over women here like they are homewreckers.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I just went through about 10 pages of posts looking for dw's discussing their affairs. In each case, maybe 10 or 15% of the responses are negative.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 08:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well, that does seem like a pretty good word to describe a married person having an affair, as well as a person having an affair with a married person.
[ Reply | Options ]02.12.09, 09:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I agree with you. I don't apologize for anyone's bad behavior. I'm all for helping DH sort out his "issues" but he has to take the first step and show some good faith initiative before I get involve. Shit! I have enough work navigating my own "issues". He needs to step up fix this. He can blame his so-called feeling lonely in the marriage for his cheating but it's just an end-run on his wife. Blame her for his bad behavior. I don't go for that. It's my fault that you fucked the next woman. I wish my husband would say some shit like that to me. I'd smack the taste out of his mouth.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP should work on her short comings because it will help her and help her be a better person around her children. If the by product is it will make her husband happy and feel better about himself. So be it. But he needs to get his act together and fall on sword and beg her forgiveness and do any and everything to be a better husband. Right now, he's in blame the victim slug-mode.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well ladies, thank you all. I think I should sign off after 3 hours and play w/ my daughter, go out for a stroll or something. I think I will tell my sister - she has told me secrets that I have kept and she knows we're in counseling. Tomorrow morning I actually have a meeting but perhaps will write you all again in the afternoon and let you know what's happening. Thank you again so much.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Good luck OP. We're rooting for you.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thanks, and what is OP? I will sign on tomorrow as UWS Cheated-On Mom. Unbelievable.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 09:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Original Poster.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Good luck and hang in there - everything will work out.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]good luck. try to clear your head a bit.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
What would you want your dd to do if this happened to her?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am so sorry. I have btdt. 2 books I highly rec. divorcebusting (there's also a website with great people and became my lifeline) and "After the Affair". It will help you understand what the hell happened. In my case, my h didn't WANT to work on our marriage and was in "bliss" with ow, but of course that broke up. I am now happily enganged (and 3 months pregnant) and this is NOT to say your marriage can't surivive this - it can and I've seen it happen. my h did not WANT to work on our marriage at all. It sounds like yours does and that is HUGE. But don't beat yourself up if you have a lot of anger and sadness, very, very normal and it will NOT go away overnight. I strongly suggest counseling for YOU first. get yourself together. trust me when I say, there IS life after this, I promise you.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Excellent, level-headed advice.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I was going to post something b/c I also have an incredibly immature DH too. Our DC is 2. Our counselor said he had the puer eternus thing. I had to look it up - the Peter Pan syndrome, doesn't want to grow up and RESENTS enormously that the baby took me away. MY DH does video games. It's incredibly painful but I also could never tell my mom. We are just trying to work it out on our own, but I would walk if I felt that was the right thing.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]fwiw, my dh had what i now think of as a breakdown after our first dc was born. he did not cheat (that i know of -- and im pretty sure) but he became very distant, got interested in going out and staying out late, never wanted to spend time with the baby, etc. it was awful for a year, and very hard because i felt so isolated, and it was supposed to be a happy time. anyway, he saw a therapist, let off some steam, gradually bonded with our dd and now -- 2 and a half years after our daughter's birth -- he is fine and we are happy again. i know its different when theres cheating, and you have a lot more to get over, but i do think becoming a father can trigger a mid-life crisis in some men -- this is more common than you think, people just dont talk about it. if your marriage was strong before, and you get help, and you both want to be together, it can get better. gl!
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 11:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]"this is more common than you think, people just dont talk about it" -- very true. Awareness of post partum depression in women is pretty widespread, but for different reasons, and without the hormonal issues, men can suffer a similar depression, and there is little or no recognition of this. They are told to "man up" or whatever, and don't get help. This doesn't excuse the DH in this story, but it's something to keep in mind when looking for solutions.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 11:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
My dh had an affair while we were expecting our first child. It was disastrous and extremely painful. I did get over it though. It has taken time to regain trust, but I have. It all depends on whether you really love him and, with a child in tow, you have to think of the big picture. I have to say that I agree with everyone saying you shouldn't tell a soul, but I found it very difficult to keep it to myself. In the end, it hurt my dh's relationship with my family because they tolerate him at best. They are much less forgiving than I have been able to be (over time).
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 11:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you should definitely find your OWN therapist to talk to, not just the counselor you are seeing together. it is important that you be able to fully vent in private, especially if you are trying to keep from discussing it broadly.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 12:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree with below, I have a friend who got married for the first time in his mid 50s--she started to have an affair after 9mnths. He told everyone-- but now they are in counseling and he wants to work it out. Sure everyone will be cordial w/ her but will anyone really like her again?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 02:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]just tell your sister, that's what sisters are for
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 08:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] who out there has a dh that is "hands on with a ok income" vs dh who has very high in... 25 replies
- I don't think it's an either/or proposition. In a marriage, you get what you negotiate....
Talk : : February 10, 2009
who out there has a dh that is "hands on with a ok income" vs dh who has very high income who fully supports financially but does nothing around the house?
25 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.10.09, 06:30 AM [ Flag ]how about ok income and still does nothing
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]how about high income and helps out as much as he can?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]dh with decent income, has very flexible work schedule, and very hands on
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Ditto. One of the best traits of my DH. Very hands on with kids and around house. Love that about him!
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I have the former (but I still think his income is high)
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm very lucky to have dh with very high income who also is hands on. But I know it's very unusual. It's annoying because I still get on dh's case for not helping enough, but compared to lots of other dh's I see (even ones who don't work long hours), he's amazing. So I feel somewhat guilty asking him to help even more, since of course, there's never enough time.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]How do you define hands on in his case? Doesn't he work long hours?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: maybe he can work from home a lot -- my husbadn does. which makes a big difference.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: It seems to me that most of the time Dh are either one or the other whether or not they work long hours or not. What about the weekends?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OR: To clarify, dh helps get dc#1 ready for school and takes to school in am (and sometimes watches dc#2 if she's awake). DH gets home 7 or 7:30 and does 50% (sometimes more) of getting dcs to bed. On weekends, dh does 50-60% of work. DH in office 9 - 7 or so, and can do work at home in evenings.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
what do you consider high income? 500K+?
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: yes 500+ I consider high income
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i have the former. i'm pretty happy with things but dh hates his job and would love a more high powered job with an income to match.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I do. DH makes $160k. He leave early in the morning, but is home for dinner every night, completely 50/50 with the whole night time routine and 100% there on the weekends. Does the grocery shopping, used to change diapers, puts the younger one down for his nap, takes the kids to the part/soccer practice/b-day parties. Would it be nice to have a high HHI? sure. But this is great too.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP here: I am in the same boat but still feel that I do so much more. I guess i need move on and be greatful.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Dh is a teacher -- wonderful guy, helps a ton, does not make a ton of $$ but great schedule and flexibility for being at home, too. We are blessed. Oh he likes his job too!
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't think it's an either/or proposition. In a marriage, you get what you negotiate.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]and some people will do all the parentign they can, some will always just lie aroudn the house, regardless of what their job or time commitments are.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA I just wish sometimes he would just simply ask "what else needs to be done so we can both have some time to ourselves"
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 06:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i disagree. what negotiations? some people are more considerate. some people value the importance of what they can put into their household. some people feel they are doing enough by earning a living. you get the guy you married and you can't always negotiate other factors.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
dh has low income but is much more than just "hands on"--he is a full partner in everything, and often much more involved than I am. I feel really lucky.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I do. DH has been great with dd especially lately as I have become more and more burned out. I don't always love his methods (of course I can do it better..yikes) but I am learning to let him do things his way. It's hard to let go and see dd love him so much and go to him over me sometimes, but i am also very grateful that he is willing to step up and be an equal partner in our parenting. BTW, our incomes are almost equal, mine was always higher in the past but he's been catching up.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 07:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I do. He's great. I take care of most of the household management, but he's actually more hands-on with the dc that I am when he's home. He does school drop-off in the morning, and completely takes over childcare when he comes home, while I do dinner, pay bills, etc. Almost always home by 6 pm. Great on the wkends, too.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]DH with high income and does the majority of bill paying, we were married when we were both poor and have a 50/50 relationship, he helps with everything.
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have a DH who is very hands on with an ok income
[ Reply | Options ]02.10.09, 10:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
-
Welcome, allie | log out * TALK * BUZZ * LOCAL o San Francisco o New York Query new post » see more posts » * Ritchie New York bound? 52 minutes ago Guy Ritchie is planning to move to New York to be closer to his kids, it has been reported. The film director is said to be looking to relocate from London to the Big Apple this summer, according to the entertainment website Hollyscoop.com. The 50-year-old's two sons with ex-wife Madonna - Rocco, 8, and David Banda, 3, recently enrolled into American schools, it was reported. Guy and Madonna's marriage was dissolved last year. Since then the couple's sons have seen their time divided between London and New York. Hollyscoop.com quotes a friend close to Ritchie as saying: "Guy will have Rocco and David for most of the summer. "He is currently looking for an apartment in the Upper West Side of Manhattan." http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5gL0fAe_bXBm12GqbQtfSaAU1onDg o New York City
2 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]02.09.09, 03:37 PM [ Flag ]Why did you post this Allie?
[ Reply | Options ]02.09.09, 04:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]because I want everyone to know what a moron I am. Thank god allie is a fake name!
[ Reply | Options ]02.09.09, 04:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Subscribe to our newsletters!
Go »
Inside UrbanBaby
UrbanBabyBuzz
Whenever a truly great toy comes along — useful! colorful! affordable! — you breathe a sigh of relief.
Maybe they’ll actually want to get in the tub, thanks to these cute new bath toys from Boon. The trio of Splat (floating ...
More »
UrbanBabyNewYork
While you’ll all be glad for a break from homework and 100 lb. backpacks next week, the cries of “I’m boooored” are sure to settle in by Tuesday.
Keep then engaged and entertained: The Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum ...
More »
UrbanBabySanFrancisco
Most of San Francisco’s branch libraries are kind of small, so the children’s section amounts to a couple of tables with chairs, a few shelves of books, and maybe if you’re lucky a couple of battered stuffed animals. But kids ...
More »
