Table Manners
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Bad Breath InterventionWhen offering gum doesn’t cut it |
Dear Helena,
A friend of mine has unholy halitosis and it really grosses me out. When we’re in a crowded bar, I dread him leaning in too close. If we’re eating dinner together, I always sit as far away as I can. I feel concerned for him as he is single and I worry that his bad breath may be driving girls away. Offering him a stick of gum doesn’t work as he usually refuses. And I can hardly offer him one every time I see him. Should I say something? If so, how can I draw his attention to the problem without hurting his feelings? —Minty Fresh
Dear Minty Fresh,
A stick of gum won’t banish chronic bad breath. And if you’re offering it as a hint, it’s way too subtle. The person will likely assume you’re just offering the pack out of politeness, because you’re having some. So you should say something.
Granted, you should accept your friends for who they are. If your friend has a discolored front tooth or needs to drop 20 pounds, you should keep it to yourself. But bad breath is different, because the sufferer is usually unaware of it. Dr. Anthony Dailley of the Center for Breath Treatment says it’s almost impossible to assess your own breath. “Oftentimes [my patients] had no idea until someone verbally told them.”
Nonetheless, performing a halitosis intervention is tricky. As with a drug- or alcohol-related intervention, you should only do it with close friends and family. They trust you and know you have their best interests at heart. Otherwise, the person may become hostile, and it’s just not worth the hassle.
Even if you’re close to the person, it’s tempting to do it anonymously. But if you send the person a virtual breath mint or leave a Post-it on his desk, he may torture himself wondering who did it. Or, says Dailley, “the person thinks it’s a joke or someone being nasty.”
If you want your friend to take you seriously, tell him face to face, alone. Dailley suggests using this simple formula: “What I’m about to tell you may surprise you. I’m telling you because I care about you and because I’d want someone to do this for me. You have bad breath.” I like Dailley’s approach. After such a dramatic buildup, your friend will probably be expecting you to tell him something really bad, like you slept with his wife. By comparison, bad breath won’t seem like a big deal.
Don’t just identify the problem. Suggest solutions too. Your friend’s dentist can identify if a dental issue is causing the odor. Gum disease can cause bad breath, although, says Dailley, “it has to be pretty severe and neglected.” Tooth decay can cause it too, but again, only if very advanced: “You could have 20 cavities and not have bad breath, but a monster black-hole cavity would do it.”
But, says Dailley, “really bad halitosis is generally not caused by plaque, which is a different kind of bacteria.” Your friend may need to visit a breath specialist, who can identify the numerous factors that can lead to halitosis. These include postnasal drip (often caused by allergies) and an excessively dry mouth. The specialist will likely advise a multipronged treatment regimen that will include keeping the tongue clean and better hydration.
Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to test Dailley’s halitosis intervention method because the two sufferers I know are not close friends. (Could there be a connection?) But according to Dailley, if you’re close to the person, you won’t suffer a shoot-the-messenger effect. Most of his patients learned of their problem from a friend or family member. “If telling someone is done in a constructive and tactful way, they’re very grateful.” It’s like when you tell someone he has spinach in his teeth—he’s more likely to feel annoyed with all the friends who didn’t say anything.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
Bad breath, especially the metallic variety, can also be caused by certain medications. Usually it is a known side-effect, but as Helena mentioned it's difficult to assess one's own breath.
It's also a sign of many illnesses, including diabetes and cancer.
I'd tread lightly here.
So what do you do if this is ISN'T a close friend, just a co-worker or neighbor or casual acquaintence? Because I'm running into this A LOT recently and they can't all be on medication or suffering some severe medical condition. And "What I’m about to tell you may surprise you. I’m telling you because I care about you and because I’d want someone to do this for me" seems a little too intimate.
Yeah that can be a little too intimate. I say if its not a close friend and the relationship hasn't reached the peak of constructive criticism, I would say just keep your distance (literally). However, if this is someone you have to interact with fairly often, pass them some gum or mints and say "You need this, but alot of us do. I keep a pack in my bag." Laugh and K.I.M. (Keep it Movin).
From the column, and also from my own opinion: if they're not that close a connection, then your best bet is to STFU. If the introductory phrasing is too intimate then you *really* can't launch into the hard truth.
I have a fairly acute sense of smell and I can *always* tell when a person needs to see the dentist or doesn't drink nearly enough water (yeah, I can tell the difference).
I've always wanted to say something but have never dared to do so. I have a tendency to be too blunt and/or opinionated most of the time, but I try to draw the line at deliberately offending -- even if well meant. There's just no delicate way to break this news!
So, I generally just try to block it out somehow.
I try to use my sensitive nose for good, not evil!
Poor oral hygiene, not flossing and/or lousy tooth brushing is a major cause, as well as untreated gum disease. When was the last time this guy went to the dentist. Herbals and supplements are often a major self-inflicted source of bad breath too along with many medications.
And he needs to see a periodontist, not just a regular dentist because the gum disease expertise may not be sufficient in many dental offices.
Anti-depressants particularly cause dry mouth along with about 40% of all other medications which exacerbates poor oral conditions. You can live with bad breath and it is a huge body language clue that something else is wrong.
Smoking dope is another way to get a really unhealthy mouth and stink.
People are often very defensive about this so this is a tough one to deal with. Unfortunately, avoidance on your part may be the only solution. There is no way other than a blunt confrontation. There is no subtle way to deal with this significant issue. But if you notice this, others are as well and this person may be hurt and confused by reactions he is getting from people. Bite the bullet because you have two choices: avoiding him if you don't say anything, or possibly losing his friendship if you do confront him. I
f you were to err, the best result would come from confronting him because there is something wrong here and his defensiveness would come from him knowing it too.
Do it with love and know you did the right thing for both of you - you by being honest with him and him by getting authentic feedback that makes him and not you accountable for the next moves.
We have a friend with terrible breath, and he knows it. The problem is caused by the disintegration of his teeth following (successful) chemotherapy for cancer. He is a self-employed artist, and cannot afford the massive dental work he needs. He can barely afford his basic health insurance. Major overhaul of the health care financing system, anyone?
Piggybacking of Meann's comment: a lot of people who have bad breath may already know it, so if you're not close to the person it may be better to just leave the matter alone. It's not quite like spinach in your teeth, which is temporary and happens to everyone.
Bringing up someone bad breath might force someone into disclosing a more distressing medical condition. I'd hate to think I was doing someone a favor and thenhear "Oh, I know, I've been trying to fix it but (insert very personal info or awkward dodge)"
cringe.
This is up there with body odor. I have not figured out how to both effectively and politely tell someone that they smell. As you're backing away, they're leaning in and speaking louder. Gum and mints don't work even when offered (even by the person who claimed that his boss told him years ago to never refuse a mint).
People don't want to believe that they have atrocious breath or smell bad and will more than likely be offended and hostile. I agree with glbtrtr regarding the possible loss of friendship, but you have to consider whether avoiding the person at all costs is healthy for your friendship.
The best I've heard was from the flight attendant who repeated "Here are mints and toothpaste, courtesy of Mastercard, please use it."
Do YOU have bad breath? My dentist recently told me that to test yourself, breathe several times on your arm, wait half a minute than sniff your arm. You should be able to smell it on your arm if your are having bad breath.
Try it, let me know if it works (I couldn't smell anything on my arm).
Bad breath and body odor are generally and most likely caused by the abnormal functioning of the stomach and the intestines.When the digestion doesn't happy the way it needs to and at the right timing, is when the problem of bad breath starts.So the best thing to do is it, heat health,live healthy and keep the belly lite and fresh.
Could also be a sinus problem. Anyway...this is a guy, you say? Order a round of peppermint schnapps and say something like, "Dude, your breath could knock a maggot off a gut wagon. For God's sake, drink this..."
carry gum, and pass it out when u take a piece