| Penn & Teller PCC articles by Penn Jillette | Reprinted with permission. |
| ||
|---|---|---|
| ||
|
Hey, I finally have a boring outdated title that fits in a
computer magazine. I'm knuckling under. It has a meaningless
cliche buzz phrase. It's even a question, so, editors think
you're automatically involved.
Now that I've pleased the new editor, I will write about Terry Hatcher. "What has happened to Uma Thurman?" - I still mentioned her, but this column is about Terry. She's on "Lois and Clark," a television program about Superman in the early years when he was part Japanese. She plays Lois Lane, the sexual tension. I did a guest shot on "L&C" (I had my reasons). Terry seemed to think I was crazy and a little dangerous (I'm fine with that) but she warmed up. She invited me to her house. Does she invite all the guest stars over? No. Were we having an affair? No - look at my picture and think - she can do better than a big ugly son of a bitch with a square head. Can I help her career? No, I can barely keep mine going. The reason - she thought I could get her "on-line." That was her phrase, "on-line." She invited me because I know people like you! Get it? It's more proof that we have won. The beautiful people want to be us. Even our deadhead VP is talking about how hip it is to be on the InterNet (like he would know hip if it bit him). Even I've known the Net is great for 9 years and I have buddies who have been on since there was only one "rob." Everyone's heard that "on-line" is a wonderful place and Hollywood isn't the most efficient way to get there. It's now better to know a geek. I didn't get her on-line. I told her to call my geek buddy and he'd tell her what modem to buy and how to get on Compuserve. He might have gotten a kick out of Terry and her Hatchers, but she never called. She was hoping I had deeper access - the InterNet. I WAS on Internet but I got messages every day saying "Are you that guy?" Compuserve fulfills all my needs and I'm just a number there.
Terry will get on Internet, and she might not have to stoop to
a "not-
The InterNet grew out of ArpaNet, for research and defense. Paid
for by government and universities for government and university
work. Bondage.sex.alt was
a perquisite. The Terry
Hatchers are doing neither defense nor research and they're not
on Compuserve where they belong. There are a lot of free rides
on government and universities. The government seems to have
lots of money, but - it's our goddamn money.
Right after Terry wannabe-Hacker happened in my life, the Green
Card scandal happened in the big world. Some law firm (that I
won't advertise here) advertised
on the net. They sent out junk
mail about processing citizenship applications to over 5,000
newsgroups.
It's a real taboo to advertise on the Net and the flaming hit
fahrenheit 451. Hackers started monkey-wrenching - the
ambitious lawyers got 30,000 answers right away, mostly
protesting the ad. They were swamped by some and locked out by
others. The battle was raging. As the smoke from the flame
cleared the lawyers declared it successful and said they'd do it
again (man, lawyers are less affected by hostility than opening
act DJs).
So, what's going to happen? If the Net wasn't free (I know it
isn't really free - we all pay and people pretend it's free),
this wouldn't happen. If people wanted to advertise by bulk mail
they would pay and if one didn't want to get advertising, one
would pay - everyone would be happy.
Once Terry Hatcher wants on the Net, you have to pay, or you have
to have ads. It's over - there's no such thing as a free
E-lunch.
|