Sending us dozens of red roses, leaving us kissy notes and spelling our name out in pink fluffy bunnies are:

Paul McCartney ‘Jenny Wren’ (Parlophone)
Hold the front page! Fab Macca Wacky Thumbs Aloft in ‘song everyone at Slashmusic likes’ shocker! Even though Macca tries to be a bit Thom Yorke when he sings that falsetto “ooh”, he doesn’t do it too often so we forgive him. As one of us summed it up: “Lovely.” Who’da thunk it?
Out on November 14

Gorillaz ‘Dirty Harry’ (Parlophone)
Not the best track on ‘Demon Days’, yet still brilliant. As one of us remarked: “Wicked drums, great violin, what more could you ask for?” [Well, you could ask for the next person to use the phrase “wicked drums” to get punched for a start. What is this, www.drumnobs.com or something? - Ed] Anyway, clearly creating several cartoon alter egos is the best thing that’s ever happened to Damon Albarn’s career - that and having nice hair - maybe it could work for other artists? There you go: you can have that idea for free, pop stars.
Out on November 21

The Herbaliser ‘Nah Mean Nah’m Sayin’ (Ninja Tune)
The Herbaliser can usually do no wrong (disclaimer: we don’t know about their private lives), and this is no exception. Hurrah! Aside from having the most cringeworthy title ever, ‘NMNS’ had us nodding our heads involuntarily like a plastic dog in the back of an Astra. As one of us pointed out: “It’s original without being unlistenable.” Never a truer word spoken.
Out on November 21


Promising us the world but leaving us hanging on the telephone are:

Kaiser Chiefs ‘Modern Way’ (Polydor)
The Kaisers: world domination is theirs, but are they about to be so ovah? While some of us liked this new slice of melodic rock-pop and muttered something about it being “a grower”, others denounced it as “a ‘will this do’ B-side”. To which one of us added: “The only person who hasn’t heard these songs too often is deaf and even he’s bored of the vibrations they make.” How rude! Ricky still has a nice fringe though.
Out on November 7

Bananarama ‘Look On The Floor (Hypnotic Tango)’ (Absolute)
Old enough to be the Pussycat Dolls’ mums, ver Bananas continue their comeback with this subtle synthy number. There’s even some vocoder in it, but thankfully it doesn’t sound like Cher. Phew! Some of us loved it, announcing that “this is how pop should be done!” but others thought it was “boring” and that “there’s no lift in the chorus.” How very technical! At least there’s a chorus in this one, which is more than can be said for ‘Move In My Direction’.
Out on November 14

White Stripes ‘The Denial Twist’ (XL)
Hang on, didn’t they write this already? Isn’t that the trademark plinkalong piano of ‘My Doorbell’? What a bloody swizz! But as one of us pointed out: “It’s catchy though. If Bodyrockers can get away with rehashing the same song, then why not White Stripes?” Which is a good point, no?
Out on November 14

Kid Carpet ‘Carrier Bag’ (Tired And Lonesome)
The eccentric toy instrument-player releases the last single, a cheeky electronic gem from his album ‘Ideas And Oh Dears’. Some of us love his bonkers creations, others of us wanted to hear things like a “melody” and “real instruments”. The moon on a bloody stick, in other words.
Out on November 14


Communicating in monosyllabic grunts, not noticing when we get our hair done and developing personal hygiene 'issues' are:

Athlete ‘Twenty Four Hours’ (Parlophone)
Yawn. *stretch* Hmm, suddenly we could all do with forty winkzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Out on November 14

Young Knives ‘Decision’ (Transgressive)
Like a junior league Darkness wanting to be a Sparks tribute band, ‘Decision’ is all try-too-hard vocal histrionics and ‘quirky’ lyrics. Only it falls flat on its arse and has a rubbish chicken noise at the end. As one of us summed up: “Please turn it off.”
Out on November 21

Liars ‘It Fit When I Was A Kid’ (Mute)
We love this. They’re one of our favourite bands and this is their best single yet. Ha ha! We’re being liars! Do you see?
Out on November 21

Kid 606 ‘Done With The Scene’ (Wichita)
This is the noodling of an imbecile. We doubt he’ll be able to kid more than 606 people across the globe into thinking this is anything other than nonsense. As one of us remarked: “One afternoon, two tired loops, three lame guitar notes, four more reasons to kill yourself.” Harsh, but fair.
Out on December 5

The Game ‘Put You On The Game’ (Interscope)
Arf! It’s got two meanings, do you see? Geddit? Brilliant, we’ve all just wet ourselves with the hilarity of it all! Anyway, this bag of moronically mumbled cack made us wonder why are so many good producers are still working with The Game. Is it because they can offload their wackest tracks and still sell millions? That’ll be it.
Out on November 7

Green Day ‘Jesus Of Suburbia’ (Reprise)
Just because they’re the Love Bites’ favourite band, doesn’t mean that they can get away with ripping Bryan Adams off for 9 minutes. Quite frankly, they’re taking liberties. Tut tut.
Out on November 7


And showing us a good time on Monday October 31 are:

Craig David - 'I Don't Love You No More (I'm Sorry)' (Warner)
He's sorry, he says. But that won't help us when we're all puffy and snotty from crying our eyes out, will it?

Eurythmics - 'I've Got A Life' (Sony BMG)
They're back (etc!) and not as rubbish as you'd expect!

Fightstar - 'Grand Unification Part 1' (Island)
"Get over it, you fucking fucker!"

Jamie Lidell - 'Multiply' (Warp)
"Lalala we're not listening, Jamie Lidell is great."

Goldfrapp - 'Number One' (Mute)
More animal-related electro-pop shenanigans with Alison and co...

Nine Black Alps 'Just Friends' (Island)
Or as Auntie Gail would say, Nice Black Alps. Bless.

Pharrell Williams ft Gwen Stefani 'Can I Have It Like That?'(Virgin)
No, you'll have it the other way like everyone else.


Anyway, Gorillaz are this week's winners! Hurrah!