Top Ten odes to teen sexual frustration

Being a teenager is a pretty special time; a heady mixture of relative independence, maximum irresponsibility and low expectations make for a time of unbridled hedonism. If you’re not bunking class for a cheeky fag by the sports field or raiding your parents’ alcohol cupboard and arranging a fake ID for a wild night out, you’re getting all Parental Advisory: Explicit Content with that dreamboat in the year above in some exotic location (read: backseat of your car or an empty changing room).

Okay, so maybe the teenage experience is a little more mundane than all that. Glimmers of risqué behaviour punctuate what is generally a routine of waiting for your mum to give you a lift, never having anything better to do than avoid doing your homework, and irritating the general public in your local shopping centre’s food hall with your friends. You’re less likely to be mashing braces with your crush than angsting over whether you’re into the same music as one another. When you’re not busy being reduced to a quivering knot of anxiety by their very presence, you’re using the brain space, that should be reserved for remembering the events that led to the start of the First World War, for mentally orchestrating the events that will lead to your magical first kiss.

When you are eventually lucky enough to a) have your crush know you exist and b) have your hormone-fuelled gaze of desire reciprocated, then you find yourself for the very first time in that special corner of Hell officially known as Sexual Frustration. A spell in this purgatory is integral to the teenage experience and while traumatic is a strong word, serving a sentence in this pit of torment is certainly a defining and universal rite of passage. The periods of time we are relegated to spending in this limbo prevents most of us from functioning properly, while others use this time to wax lyrical on this most difficult period of our lives. Sometimes, they’ll even write a song about it. So, in honour of these resilient few, we’ve rounded up a list of top ten songs about teenage sexual frustration.

10. 'You Really Got Me' - The Kinks

Given this was the ‘60s and just coming right out with it was pretty much akin to claiming allegiance with the devil, allusive lyricism was the only way of saying what you really wanted to say, without saying it at all. Sleeplessness, inability to concentrate, never wanting to leave her side… All the classic symptoms of teen sexual frustration are here. Combined with that aggressive riff and intense chord progression, The Kinks pretty much nailed what it was to be a '60s teen in one song.

9. 'Boom Boom Boom Boom!' - Vengaboys

Fast forward three decades and we have the Vengaboys coming in hard with 'Boom Boom Boom Boom'. A little less lyrically eloquent but, I would argue, equally as nuanced as The Kinks’ offering, 'Boom Boom Boom Boom' ruined the childhood years of '90s kids everywhere by making us inadvertently sing weird and inappropriate lyrics at an age when spelling ‘can’t’ as ‘cunt’ seemed like such a small mistake for teachers to be fussing over. I still don’t really know what a ‘double boom’ is, but at least now I’m old enough to get the gist.

8. 'Girls and Boys' - Blur

For Aussies there’s schoolies and for Brits there’s Greece. Blur capture the fledgling years of the ‘Brits abroad’ culture in 'Girls and Boys', a sardonic anthem about holiday sex being something to do now and think about later. Other than containing disturbing, Clockwork Orange style close-ups of Damon Albarn’s face, the video provides a charming portrait of '90s youth ruining Great Britain’s reputation overseas. It also has a wonderful lesson in sexual health with lines like, “You get nasty blisters, du bist sehr schon, but we haven’t been introduced” all polished off with the moral of the story: Always should be someone you really love. Naw, sweet.

7. 'All The Things She Said' - t.A.T.u

A morally questionable ditty, ostensibly in support of the Love Has No Labels movement, but more likely masterminded by a record company executive wanting to cash in on the pervasive fetish for lesbian Russian schoolgirls. If the video for 'All The Things She Said' was controversial at the time, it’s tame by today’s standards, as a few school pals snogging in the rain is nothing compared to the butt-centric pantheon the top 40 has since become. Guess it’s still a banger, though..?

6. 'Feeling This' - Blink-182

Hey, remember that time you had a massive crush on Tom DeLonge? Uh, yeah, me neither. Anyway. Exhibiting juvenile humour and the behavioural antics of kids half their age, Blink-182 pretty much built their career on their refusal to grow up; if anyone’s qualified to write a song about adolescent sexual frustration, it would be them. ‘Feeling This’ is one of their less humorous tracks, but earns a place on this list based on the video alone.

5. 'Homecoming' - The Teenagers

Anyone who was anyone thought this track was the shit in 2007. If you can suspend your disbelief and pretend the vocalist has ‘the cutest British accent ever’, even though he is very definitely French, ‘Homecoming’ tells the story of a transatlantic romance or booty call, depending on whose side of the story you believe. Yeah, it’s a little bit explicit and a little bit gender stereotypical, but as far as teen lust is concerned, it’s tale as old as time.

4. 'Sex' - The 1975

The clue’s in the name: ‘Sex’ details what its like to be a sexually frustrated teen in the age of skinny jeans, Tumblr and high tops. The clip is very NSFW and I feel some of the scenes may have been a little awkward to shoot, but the song beautifully captures what it is to be painfully cool and painfully cockteased. All unsurprising, really, given The 1975 are essentially One Direction for teenage girls who think fancying Harry Styles is too mainstream. Speaking of 1D…

3. 'Kiss You' - One Direction

For you 1D sceptics out there, this one’s here for good reason. One Direction’s entire being depends on the sexual frustration of teenage girls. They’ve taken teen lust and made it a marketable commodity; they virtually trade in heightened levels of oestrogen. The lyrics to ‘Kiss You’ are a highly concentrated conglomeration of Class A teen hysteria triggers. “If every time we touch you get this kind of rush?” “If you don’t wanna take it slow and you just wanna take me home?” How are they getting away with such wanton sexuality! Oh yeah, ‘cos they look goddamn adorable. Who wouldn’t want to take one of these cheeky chappies home to their mothers? That’s right, nobody.

2. 'Papa Don’t Preach' - Madonna

I feel like we’ve been getting all hot under the collar, but remember kids: don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die. Or maybe just have to have a really awkward conversation with Pa, like Madonna had to…

1. 'Teenage Kicks' - The Undertones

And here we have it, the titan of all teen anthems, sexual frustration in its purest form: ‘Teenage Kicks’ is the genre-birthing heavyweight that defines our perception of teens and their antics as we know it. Listen out for those beaut Northen Irish accents and bask in the glory of The Undertones’ classic.