(We're on some sort of "vacation" this week. See you on the Dark Side.)

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         "Hackers are smart. If you say to users 'watch out for this 
          time of year,' the hackers will wait until right after this
          time of year..." 
           - the clued-up GRAHAM CLULEY, senior technology officer, Sophos
           [ http://www.zdnet.com/zdnn/stories/news/0,4586,2665640,00.html ]
          ...But the hackers, being smart, know that I know that they will
                 wait until right after this time of year, and so when you 
                say "watch out for this time of year", they will attack at 
               this time of year to take me by surprise. But now they know 
                  that I know that they know this, which means - hey, what 
                                               happened to our mailserver?
         

                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                 logged yules

         It's almost Newtonmas, and time to provide a list of gift 
         ideas for the more difficult members of your extended online 
         "family". First up, congratulations to those who cracked the 
         ideal present for self-righteously smug weekly high-tech 
         updates for the UK. After our revelation of the contact 
         address for anally-obsessed plebiscite WWW.AGEOFCONSENT.ORG.UK 
         [NTK 2000-12-08], imagine our delight when a viral e-mail 
         mutated into an accusation that *we* were the sinister Web 
         experts behind Baroness Young's inquisition. For the last 
         week, we've been the happy recipients of demands to remove 
         personal details from our sickeningly prejudiced poll, sent by 
         people who can't be bothered to read past the first three 
         lines of www.ntk.net. Unsurprising gift-givers included a 
         fistful of AOL users, and Emma Warren - who is, entirely 
         appropriately, the "Hype Editor" at The Face Magazine. Those 
         wishing to remove themselves from this growing database of 
         gullible, knee-jerk activists should contact us at the usual 
         address. Those still wishing to complain to real creators of 
         the Age Of Consent site should skip all these long words, and 
         click on the URL at the end of this piece. God bless you all.
         http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html
         - or protest to your MP about this "invisible killer"
         http://www.ntk.net/?back=2000/now1208.txt#HARD_NEWS
         - had it been oral sex, we'd have got way more coverage
           
         Of course, there's one gift every gentleman appreciates: 
         compliments about the size of his genitals, distributed to 
         around 4 million readers. And so to Cliff Stanford and his  
         seasonal first-time appearance in the kiss-gargle-dettol-and-
         tell News of the World. Accompanied by a paparazzi snap of 
         Cliff and two "strippers", the piece related in appetite-
         removing detail the ex-Demon founder's saucy antics, as told 
         to the paper by Natalie Turner, 24. Despite Cliff's 
         insouciance at his notoriety (as expressed in a Guardian 
         follow-up piece), there's no indication whether the NotW are 
         planning further reports on the "demon lover"'s adventures, 
         assuming their disk quota is up to it. We'll settle for the 
         comments of our most cynical correspondents; that the bit they 
         found hardest to believe was where Cliff actually paid for the 
         champagne. 
         http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/4119778
         - "I don't normally post to demon.local, but after I met..."
     http://www.mediaguardian.co.uk/newmedia/story/0,7496,413407,00.html
         - look, if the Guardian covers it, it must be real news
            
         Sadly, the perfect present for KEVIN WARWICK didn't quite make 
         it out the labs. One of the ideas mooted for the webcast of 
         this year's Royal Institution Christmas Lectures involved 
         affixing a wireless "KevinKam" to the side of the man-machine 
         symbiont's head. Thrilling though the chance to see the world 
         through Kevin's eyes would be (complete, we imagine, with 
         scrolling 6502 assembler and reminders to Serve The Public 
         Trust), the sudden realisation that this would make him look 
         *exactly* like KWW's "Reading of Warwick" droid appears to 
         have stayed Kevin's augmented hand. Rumours that the project 
         was nixed because it would provide viewers with one media 
         channel guaranteed free of Warwick's own image are to be 
         discounted. Repeat, discounted.
         http://www.kevinwarwick.org.uk/
         - ...yes, yes, mirrors. Move along.
         http://www.ntk.net/2000/12/22/dohanano.gif
         - my beautiful creation... nothing but - a machine!

         And finally, for the Webmaster who has everything, except 
         maybe the latest security patches: subscriber Drage (who "can 
         neither condone nor endorse website defacing") points to the 
         latest stunt of regular Web hax0r EVIL ANGELICA: personalised 
         Web vandalism. Mail webhack_competition@cow-tipper.com with a 
         zipped archive of the message *you'd* like to convey to a 
         loved one, and next time EA is trashing a valuable piece of 
         dotcom-property, she'll insinuate your message onto their 
         front page for free. No guarantee is given for the location of 
         the takeover, but it might be sensible to request that no .mil 
         sites be involved. Last date for Christmas gr33tz is tomorrow, 
         so throw away the spellcheck and start bouncing on that shift-
         key now.
   http://defaced.alldas.de/hacked/2000/12/22/www.accessallfinance.co.uk/
         - accessallareas, more like (ho ho ho)
         http://observers.net/angelica.html
         - slapstick violence, partial animated nudity, potty humour

         
                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         IRAQ buys 4000 PS2s: www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_148960.html ;
         TESCO simultaneously obtain 2500 from a "secret location": 
         http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_149263.html ... "The 
         older the boy, the more likely he was to have had sex", finds: 
         http://www.cnn.com/2000/HEALTH/children/12/20/health.sex.reut/ 
         ... DEJA.COM reverts to Usenet archive... right Millennium, 
         wrong CENTURY: http://www.101cd.com/orev01.asp?s=&title=800925 
         ... your licence fees at work (again) - challenge is to create 
         your own HTML pages in the URL that it'll serve back to you: 
         http://www.bbc.co.uk/webguide/servlet/start?pathinfo= ... all 
         mail to one-news@webfusion.co.uk cc'd to 25,000+ WEBFUSION 
         customers... jovial disclaimer: http://www.baileys.com/ vs 
     http://imagine.cammail.net/gencert/gencert.pl?name=Getting+Shitfaced
         ... http://www.dvdplus.co.uk FALCO - who'd have seen that coming? 
     http://www.guardian.co.uk/internetnews/story/0,7369,380864,00.html
         ... can't TRUST this: http://www.ntk.net/2000/12/22/dohtrs.gif ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         "Now, where have I seen that before?" writes YOZ GRAHAME, of 
         the parody ADSL banner we ran a couple of weeks ago. "Oh yes, 
         at http://yoz.com/party/ ". After the problems we had with the 
         "ageofconsent" site [see above], we feel we should emphasise 
         that the info on Yoz's site should _not_ be confused with the 
         details for the OFFICIAL NTK/ LONDON 2600 NEWTONMAS SOIREE, 
         which has now been confirmed from 5pm-11pm, Sat 2000-12-23, at 
         the "Webshack" cybercafe, Dean St, Soho (and if you do somehow 
         turn up in Hendon in July 1998, you really deserve everything 
         you get). Those seeking a respite from Christmas shopping (or 
         any other aspect of their lonely, pointless lives) are invited 
         to join us for a glass of mulled cola and premiere viewing of 
         some new T-shirt designs, with additional entertainment in the 
         form of an acoustic set from MJ HIBBETT (the "Hey Hey 16K" 
         guy); "tribute DJ" act SLIMBOY FAT (who plays all the same 
         records that Norman Cook would, in the *same order*); plus some 
         sort of net quiz that London 2600 are organising, possibly 
         entitled "Who Wants To Dump A Million Shares?". 
         http://www.daveg.dial.pipex.com/menu.html
         - "R: Tape Loading Error": Unplugged
    http://www.streetmap.co.uk/streetmap.dll?grid2mapi?x=529633&y=181174
         - Yoz beats us to the amusing "CERT Advisory" invite, too
         

                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         DOPEWARS has been sitting in the Tracking slush tray for far 
         too long: a simple text-based depiction of street-level drug 
         dealing, it started out as a crack-level-addictive single-
         player DOS game, and has now spread, via its more addictive 
         multiplayer version, to the affluent suburbs of Linux, Win95 
         and Palm. We've always postponed plugging it on the grounds 
         that everybody seems to be habituated already: thanks then to 
         underground code-chemist SHANNON LEE, who has customised the 
         server for a more decadent age. Download the original, play 
         until you've had it with puny chemical highs, then point your 
         client to commonhouse.net, port 7902. Jet to it!
         http://bellatrix.pcl.ox.ac.uk/~ben/dopewars/
         - the first hit...
         http://www.beermatsoftware.com/dopewars/
         - ...is always free


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         INFORMATION *seems* to be free, whether it wants it - or not: 
         http://www.cyberpunkproject.org/lib/ ... from the upcoming DR 
         WHO COOKBOOK: http://www.chthonic.f9.co.uk/stavros.jpg ... Zoe 
         Ball beats DEBIAN to Woody release... (now expired) RSA patent 
         number - 4,405,829 - is PRIME... *our* Christmas Number 1: 
         http://www.diffusionuk.freeserve.co.uk/bob.htm ... crazy CATS: 
         http://www.linguafranca.com/print/0012/cover_pet.html vs 
         http://www.schizophrenia.org/artist.html ... CHRISTIAN Mills & 
         Boon: http://www.nubianromance.com/ ... BUSH still updating 
         http://www.satirewire.com/weblog/bushblog.shtml despite 
         "demands" of new job... best viewed with a PORN-enabled 
         browser: http://bugzilla.mozilla.org/show_bug.cgi?id=32627 ... 
         caution - Freedom: First Resistance may "kill your monitor": 
         http://www.oldmanmurray.com/longreviews/freedom/ ... STAN LEE 
     http://www.fuckedcompany.com/comments/index.cfm?newsID=5166790629
         in trouble - could maybe sue BT CELLNET for use of Silver 
         Surfer-like character in TV ads?... BBC imitates TVGOHOME: 
         http://www.bbc.co.uk/choice/microtv/fifteen/15films3.shtml ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                     oops, forgot last week's www.tvgohome.com

         TV>> disappointingly, Absolutely Fabulous reunion/remake 
         MIRRORBALL (9pm, Fri, BBC1) isn't a big-budget version of the 
         similarly titled C4 series which profiled pop video directors 
         like Chris Cunningham and Spike Jonze - though it does feature 
         an aspirationally omnipresent composite called "Cat Rogers"... 
         C4 reasserts its claim to the Orwellian namespace with a back-
         slapping tribute to its own "broadcasting phenomenon", BIG 
         BROTHER NIGHT (from 9.05pm, Sat, C4), though viewers with any 
         sense will be voting for top cop drama LA CONFIDENTIAL instead 
         (9.05pm, Sat, BBC2)... and perhaps inspired by the baffling 
         scheduling of TIM BURTON'S THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS 
         (11.20pm, Sat, ITV) - presumably they thought it was a Freddy 
         Kruger film - it's a weekend of non-stop harrowing action and 
         horror, including Primal Scream beatnik chase VANISHING POINT 
         (11.55pm, Sat, BBC2), super-compatible computer virus shoot-
         em-up INDEPENDENCE DAY (8.30pm, Sun, BBC1) while, seeing in 
         Christmas morning with a bang, there's psychic-kid-killer 
         thriller THE FURY, turgid plane crash agony FEARLESS (1.10am, 
         Sun, ITV), Steve Martin mental-illness-comedy MIXED NUTS 
         (1.10am, Sun, C4), and something called EXPERIMENT IN TERROR 
         (12.45am, Sun, C5)... the fun continues on Christmas Day in 
         extended working class massacre TITANIC (5.45pm, Mon, BBC1), 
         Eastwood stalker classic PLAY MISTY FOR ME (10.30pm, Mon, 
         BBC2) and psycho classical music mayhem HILARY AND JACKIE 
         (9pm, Mon, C4)... with the mood lightened only by NAKED GUN 2 
         1/2: THE SMELL OF FEAR (11.50pm, Mon, BBC1), THE LAST FAST 
         SHOW EVER (9ish, Tue-Thu, BBC2), plus disappearing Ed Burns' 
         THE BROTHERS MCMULLEN (12.10am, Mon, BBC2) and SHE'S THE ONE 
         (9.55pm, Tue, BBC2) - possibly based around the Waterboys song 
         subsequently covered by Robbie Williams, or vice-versa... 
         
         FILM>> Leoni - quirky! Cage - wigs out! in pedestrian "It's A 
         Wonderful Life" alternate-reality knock-off THE FAMILY MAN 
         ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2000/the_family_man.html : We 
         see [Tea Leoni's] mostly obscured body through the smoked 
         shower glass door, but can easily see the shape of her body, 
         including her breasts when she turns sideways. She then opens 
         the shower door and [Cage] averts his eyes after seeing her 
         nudity - we don't see anything but her head and shoulders) - 
         not based around the Mega-City Judge code-phrase or "The 
         Family Guy" animated series; though, as Entertainment Weekly 
     http://www.ew.com/ew/archive/1,1798,1|30064|0|family_man,00.html
         astutely points out, the poster does seem to be peculiarly 
         influenced by "The Exorcist"... so, there's just time for our 
         painstakingly selected round-up of NTK's Top Ten Movies Of 
         2000 That We Thought Probably Wouldn't Appear In Anyone Else's 
         Top Tens: 10. GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS, 9. FINAL DESTINATION, 8. 
         THE INSIDER, 7. CHARLIE'S ANGELS, 6. ROAD TRIP, 5. AMERICAN 
         MOVIE, 4. PITCH BLACK, 3. BRING IT ON, and 2. GALAXY QUEST - 
         making our film of the year, of course, modern-day "man-whore" 
         comedy classic DEUCE BIGALOW: MALE GIGOLO... with a special 
         mention for the following films that we didn't see, but which 
         everyone says are great: THE FILTH AND THE FURY, LAKE PLACID, 
         POKEMON: THE FIRST MOVIE, and MEMENTO (we don't _remember_ 
         seeing this one, but it definitely has Carrie-Anne Moss in it) 
         - plus RED PLANET (which we did see, and was terrible, but has 
         Carrie-Anne Moss in it)... so it only remains to name and 
         shame this year's big-screen disappointments (in no particular 
         order): AMERICAN BEAUTY, AMERICAN PSYCHO, TOY STORY 2, NEW 
         ROSE HOTEL, ERIN BROCKOVICH, BEING JOHN MALKOVICH, MISSION TO 
         MARS, MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2, THREE KINGS, GLADIATOR, HIGH 
         FIDELITY, X-MEN, SHAFT, THE HOLLOW MAN, anything made and/or 
         set in the UK, plus the widely unacclaimed BATTLEFIELD EARTH: 
         http://www.lermanet.com/reference/BatEarthfaq2.htm . No-one 
         ever sent us an Icelandic VHS of the Mitnick movie TAKEDOWN 
         either, come to think of it... 
         
         CAUTION, MAY CONTAIN TRACKS BY COLDPLAY>> ie our traditional 
         end-of-year round-up of free magazine CDs - excellent low-cost 
         gift ideas which, when you factor in online time, price of 
         burning blank gold discs etc, are fast becoming the only ones 
         that are vaguely worth buying. Q MAGAZINE's typically pompous 
         "The Best Tracks From The Best Albums Of 2000" (UKP2.90) sets 
         a high benchmark, with a decent dance mix of U2's "Beautiful 
         Day", The Bloodhound Gang's porn tribute "The Ballad Of Chasey 
         Lain (Bloodhound Gang Mix)", something bearable by Toploader, 
         and Johnny Cash's jaunty country cover of U2's "One" (which, 
         as readers DAVID MCNICOL and MARTIN LING have pointed out, is 
         almost note-for-note identical to Craig David's "I'm Walking 
         Away" - McNicol theorising that no-one else has mentioned this 
         "in order to encourage the continued rise of UK Garage into 
         popular culture"). KEVIN CECIL also spotted that Q's Radiohead 
         track isn't "Idioteque" at all, but something else from Kid A, 
         the band maintaining their "awkward" reputation to the last... 
         elsewhere under "Pop and Rock", SELECT (UKP3.60) says goodbye 
         with an eclectic indie selection including The Lo-Fidelity 
         Allstars, Kelis (also appears on the Q one), The Fall, the 
         censored version of Woodbine's rockin-St-Etienne "Neskwik", 
         The Bloodhound Gang's extended "Relax"-based Falco tribute 
         "Mope" http://www.ntk.net/?back=2000/now0602.txt&line=244#l , 
         plus Atari Teenage Riot's "By Any Means Necessary", part of 
         their ongoing http://www.petitiononline.com/atroasis/ bid... 
         and TOP OF THE POPS' CHRISTMAS CRACKERS TOP POP PARTY ANTHEMS, 
         while good value at UKP1.80, is some weird dual-format disc 
         that didn't play properly in our CD-ROM drive - and it's not 
         the good version of Daphne and Celeste's "U.G.L.Y" either... 
         MIXMAG (December)'s LA MUSICA TREMENDA (UKP3.20) easily beats 
         the rival dance offerings of MINISTRY's DANNY RAMPLING'S 
         FRIDAY NIGHT HOUSE MIX (UKP3.50) and MUZIK's perhaps over-
         specific THE CHRONICLES OF HARD HOUSE ACCORDING TO TIDY TRAX 
         (UKP3.25) - largely by including the occasional track that you 
         might have heard of - though bear in mind that almost all of 
         the above (including the Q and Smash Hits ones) compulsorily 
         include Moby's "Porcelain"... which just leaves the more 
         specialist curios. Ignore DAZED AND CONFUSED's appalling 
         "Gorillaz" promo (UKP2.95) - unless you actually enjoy 
         Nathanic body copy like "Prompted by the war in Kosovo, this 
         film mixes Run Wrake's surreal animations of people and 
         violence with a soundtrack by Howie B" (p48). LATER magazine's 
         THE LATER LOUNGE 2 (UKP3.10) is, according to reader NIGEL 
         FORD, "not as good" as their first one, and ends up as a 
         surprisingly gruelling 21-track odyssey of trendy ad music and 
         obscure spy themes... instead, using the heuristic "the _less_ 
         trendy the magazine, the cooler the CD" points you towards 
         ESQUIRE's shockingly interesting MUSIC FOR THE FAST LANE 
         (UKP3.40) - Underworld, Coldcut, Laurent Garnier etc - and, 
         finally, UNCUT's reassuringly unfashionable MORE SOUNDS OF THE 
         NEW WEST (UKP3.50), whose undifferentiated mournful Emmylou 
         Harris "New Country" wailings might just sum up your seasonal 
         period only too well...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                      "Am I self-referential - or what?"
                 http://www.iamcal.com/ami/index.php?site=ntk        

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