Caption Contest Winners Announced

By Evil Otto
Tuesday, June 17th, 2003, 10:20 AM

One of the fun things about having worked on Halo was getting my name in the credits. I've had long lost friends and casual acquaintances get in touch with me asking if I was the same David Candland that worked on Halo. It's funny. I never knew I had a common enough name that people had to even ask. As far as I can tell, there's only two of us in the U.S. The other David Candland is some radio personality in the Salt Lake area. I mistakenly got his tax bill from the IRS when I was 16 and almost crapped my pants. My son is also enjoying the limelight...well, a penlight version of it anyway. He likes to tell his friends at school that he's mentioned in the special thanks section as one of "the kids" yet he can only prove it when he beats the game with a buddy.

A while back, I allowed three members of the fan community a similar privilege; come up with three phrases that make me grin with their humor and/or appropriateness and I will bury them deep in some block of unintelligible text that can only be deciphered by persistent Halo fans with optimal conditions. Whoohoo! FAME! I wanna live forever...

So what Did you pick?

Well, how about starting with what I didn't pick? I couldn't believe how many Anonymous entries there were. Fortunately, most were pretty lame. I also had about 20% of entries that started out, "It would be cool if Halo 2 would have ________." There were also some really bad entries. So bad, I almost laughed. That would be good, right? Not quite. Here's some gems (names removed to protect the innocent):

• "you specific munchkin cake,i said halo IS KICKING GOD Monkey juice machine"

• "im going to give you a blue affro" when a grenade is put on your head it looks like you have a blue afro"

• "Oh why does the wall cover with wasabi men? Sponges is talk about. Ing?"

• "Grunt saying: "The Chief is wasted man! He he he, just kidding." on a legendary difficulty after MC dies."

• "HEy Master-Chief! I'm here to rule you! So Lets Kick s0m3 covenant ass!"

• "A grunt is eating some mentos mints. and he sees the MC. Then the grunt says, "Hey MC, want a mint?" and the grunt give the MC a mint. Then the mentos music plays."

Wow. How can you top that?

Well, I was hoping for fewer unusable entries to sift through. Here are some examples more along the lines of what I was looking for:

• 1.Press button 2.hold hands under nozzle 3. rub hands thoroughly

• Wort x 3

• Transparent resin might come out of the Soffish. If so, clean it with water.

There's also the wisdom of Homer. You can't go wrong quoting Homer. No, not the old, dead, Odyssey dude, the other Homer:

• "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

• "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

• "We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

• "What are you gonna do? Sic your dogs on me? Or your bees? Or dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at me?"

• "Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden."

Okay, okay, enough already! Who did win?

Well, I went through the entire database and copied everything I deemed to have potential and pasted it into a text file. Here are the Honorable Mentions that gave me a grin. Although they were good, they didn't quite make it in the top three, and therefore, the game:

• Bullplop
  These aren't the droids your looking for. -Obi Wan

• Forerunner01
  Don't press the red button. -Daffy Duck

• Syzygy
  If you are traveling in a car at the speed of light and you turn on your head lights...do they do anything? -Steven Wright

• ritalin
  Give a man a fire, keep him warm for the night. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.

• GhostMaster
  Master Chief's MJOLNIR armor causes his farts to echo!

• FatWalker
  If force doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using enough

• Gruntsbane
  40% Polymer Armor Plating
  60% Kevlar
  Made in USA
  *Do not Wash or Dryclean

• gholsbane
  What's going to happen to my pumpkins? -Rurik the villager

• bigjooj
  "This one goes to eleven." -Nigel Tufnel

• MasterCheif124
  "I, the Vidmaster, promise to puch all switches, always use grenades, refuse to use caps-lock as run, and never leave a single BOB alive."

• P-40E
  "Canada: The only place in the world that accepts Canadian money at par."

• bigpurple
  "dont let your mind wander, its far to small to be by itself"

• TankRamp
  "This Spartan do not eat."

• kirendar
  "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

• killa_snypa7
  "Not a significant source of calories from fat, saturated fat, cholesterol, dietary fiber, vitamin A, vitamen C, calcium, and iron."

• iceburns288
  "I invented the internet."

• Shadows of light
  "If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with "Quit while you're ahead?"

• mandolin
  "An egg is really just liquid chicken."

• scourpionzero
  "Halo has a Starbucks?"

• Nightrider
  "Open the pod bay doors please, HAL." -David Bowman

• dolbex
  "They want the 'Halo.' But I tell them: 'No! No Halo! For you, only the 'Frenzy'! The 'Frenzy' and maybe some 'Munch'." -MS employee

• anonymous
  "We Like The Moon Cuz It Is Close To Us" -Joel Vietch

• anonymous
  "I miss my ex but my aim is improving."

• mc900ftrandy
  "So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth." -Tim

• corbin2002
  "Ranch dressing is the best."

• anonymous
  "There are 3 types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who can't."

Drum roll please...

After all is said and done, these three caused me to chuckle out loud. Although the first two sound like quotes from another source, I've never heard them before. And the selected phrases are:

• shiner1x
  "If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat --and drop it?"

• epitaph01
  "Never argue with an idiot, he'll just drag you down to his level and beat you with experience."

• Shishka
  "If you don't know what this does, you should probably ask your mom."

Thanks to all who entered. As I continue building the new UI, your phrases will be added. and if the day comes when your phrase is found by egg hunters, you can point at the screen and tell everyone, "hey, I did that!"