The Halo Humpday Challenge
Every Wednesday, we challenge a group of fans, media or hot babes to a three game Halo 2 tournament. They choose the maps and the rules, and we take them on. We'll display the results and await your challenges. This week, it was
our very own mods.
So I'll admit it right off the bat. We lost. At 3pm on Wednesday afternoon last week I looked around for players and saw only tumbleweeds. We managed to scrape together an honorable crew from those brave souls not already catatonic with tryptophan poisoning. That meant for a scattered performance, with me being the weak link, against our own forum moderators, a more motley hive of villainous scum, you'll not find this side of the Shakeys on Pico.
That meant that the crews were:
The Mod Squad
-
Shishka
– Current Bungie contractor and all around
Lord British
lookalike, he works part-time as a ringer for the Mod Squad.
-
Yoozel
– Sniping whore. Parents, "whore" is net slang for evil murderer, so don't worry. Oh wait...
-
Stoshy
– Technically the ubermoderator. Responsible for the behavior and decorum of other mods. He's the mod to end all mods.
-
Payneful
– Dirty marketing cheat who just showed up to tip the balance in the mod's favor. For one nanosecond.
The Bungie Playaz
-
Frankie
– Well known boob and stupid bald jerk, if he shot half as well as he cried, we'd have won with ease..
-
AGDTinman
– What he lacks in experience, he makes up for in youthful vigor and misplaced anxiety.
-
Negabyte
– One of our secret test ringers. He was the hero who nearly but not quite saved the day.
GAME 1:
Team Slayer
Game Stats
Ascension, Regular rules, standard weapons
Game Duration:
12:59
Rocket Camping:
Rampant
Nothing too dramatic or upsetting here. Bungie was basically outplayed slightly. Nobody did anything terribly wrong, and unlike say, Colossus, there's no real harm in simply splitting up and taking on individual players. However, those individuals were two or three kills better than us. Nothing shameful in that, but we weren't too pleased. Ascension has these little meeting points where everyone should just show up wearing the same t-shirt, reading, "Kill me with grenades please." The dish is one, the pathway with the stone arch is another, and the sniper ramp and the tower are others. In all other locations it is possible to relax and even sunbathe, unmolested by fellow players.
This level also features an oft-abused overshield and a Banshee. Combining both is pointless since you will invariably be de-Bansheed by a rocket launcher above a bottomless pit.
Final score:
50-42 Mods win.
GAME 2:
Oddball
Game Stats
Lockout, Standard Weapons
Game Duration:
4:38
Time 'til Carneyhole discovered :
4 seconds.
Hmm. The Carneyhole ledge between the grav lift and the main platform is losing its aura of mystery. I have personally enjoyed relaxing there, petting my skull and fearing nothing for weeks. But folks have figured it out. There are about seventy-five places from where you can be sniped doing this, and just about any grenade toss will send you and the ball hurtling to a pant-filling doom. That's pretty much what happened first time we tried that crap against the mods. What didn't help was that Shishka was wearing two masks that day. So he could totally hear our team coordinating. Where we went, he went.
That said, we made a much better showing this time around and actually managed a respectable victory. Although any game where Frankie has by far the best stats is cause for suspicion. And possibly rage.
Final Score:
2 minutes Bungie. 38 seconds Mods. Bungie wins.
GAME 3:
CTF
Game Stats
Zanzibar, 1 Flag CTF, Flag Return Off
Game Duration:
17:26
Souls Crushed:
3
This is where it all went horribly wrong. As you can see from the stats on this match, the main reason we lost this final tie-breaker, was the appearance of one Mr. Cameron Payne, the most loathsome creature to ever creep upon the earth, and possibly the worst guy of all time. We were about to make a rapid and heroic succession of flag raids and defences, when this marketing troll pops his misshapen head from underneath his marketing bridge, and decides to "help synergize our zeitgeist." But he does so for the other team. We are shocked and disappointed. Although he is in the game for a brief time, it throws our carefully honed rhythm out of whack.
This was Bungie's first ever loss, but technically, we were playing against two Bungie guys (Shish and Cam) so what does it mean really? That is correct, it means that according to lawyers, we didn't lose squat. Eat it mod-jerks.
Final Score:
2 Flags to zero. Bungie loses.
Sexy New Challenge:
The challenge lined up for this Wednesday promises to be the prettiest one to date, and not just because Nathan is wearing glitter. keep your eyes peeled for the Humpday Challenge to end all Humpday Challenges.
PS:
It is all Cam's fault. EVERYTHING.