Biography
Christopher Michael Erskine has been both graphics editor and a columnist since 1998.
Starting as a copy editor on The Times' national desk ...
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Jim Harbaugh tops list for The Times' Sports Oscars
January 18, 2013
Oscars, smoshkers. With his scenery-chewing performance on the sidelines last weekend, Jim Harbaugh has elevated himself to the top of this year’s list of the world’s greatest dramatic actors.
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Man About Town: Our view of the cosmos from an L.A. hilltop
January 12, 2013
Do I turn you on to cool stuff or what? Last week, a great shave. This week, the cosmos. There isn't really anyplace I won't take you. OK, I won't take you to Chuck E. Cheese's — that'd just be cruel, pepperoni in the very corpuscles of the place. But any other destination is up for grabs, including the far outer suburbs of human understanding.
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Hope your fantasy football season was fantastic
January 9, 2013
Subject: Fantasy football season wrap-up.
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If you just look, L.A. is full of artists
January 5, 2013
This big, florid, cartoony face of mine is handsomer than handsome. Master barber Jose Rojas looks it over trying to determine an entry point to its magnificent terrain. Initially, there appears to be some termite damage near the right cheek, and he thinks maybe a meteor once landed near one of the eyebrows that the attending surgeon, using the latest car fender repair techniques, filled with Bondo.
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Hands down, a Rose Bowl tailgate party is hard to beat
January 3, 2013
As with many of the arts, there is a protocol for doing the proper kegstand, a heels-over-head staple of tailgate parties and bowl games across the land.
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Man About Town: A Christmas that's made to fit this family
December 29, 2012
The season started the moment the college girl dumped a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle on the den table and announced she would have it conquered by Christmas.
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Getting a hockey fix in Ontario is worth it — and then some
December 27, 2012
Without getting into the arcane details, here's what's happened to the NHL: There's a big honking wad of money, more money than you can imagine, more money than in Brentwood or Beverly Hills or Dubai. The owners, who already have big honking wads of money, want even more of it (that's why they're owners). The players, who are ridiculously overpaid, don't want to give up too much.
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Man About Town: At Christmastime, some snow jobs
December 22, 2012
I come from a family that puts eggnog in our coffee and whiskey in our rum.
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The long-playing joys of youth soccer
December 14, 2012
Don't ever leave their musky little soccer shoes in the car overnight. I did once. Had to sell the car.
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Man About Town: Accessorizing at Los Angeles Auto Show
December 8, 2012
The Los Angeles Auto Show is nothing more than a gigantic jewelry store for men. We ogle the latest bangles from Germany, Japan and, increasingly, Ohio. Have you seen the Acura NSX, cut like an engagement ring? That's right, made in Ohio. It may be the most hormonal item to come out of the Buckeye State since "Glee." And just the right thing to wear to your next Lakers game.
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Hey, football fans, have we got a bowl for you
December 5, 2012
We need a new rule: You cannot go to a bowl game unless you are in the top 25. Some 70 teams will play bowl games this year, including 6-7 Georgia Tech. Wisconsin comes to the Rose Bowl with five losses.
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Man About Town: Ejected from home, we're going to Disneyland
December 1, 2012
The looping line at the Jungle Cruise is almost Euclidean in its use of space. Hundreds of us shuffle across that cramped boathouse entrance — standing, shuffling, standing.
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Throwing back a few with Trojans fans on game day
November 28, 2012
This might be the worst sports bar in the world. Traditions, or colloquially, Traddies, resides down four flights of stairs, below Middle-earth, on the cramped but still-sexy-after-all-these-beers USC campus.
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Ultimate Frisbee is ultimately about having fun
November 22, 2012
My doctor recommends that I get more fun in my diet (vitamin F), so here I am at an ultimate Frisbee match between a school from Silver Lake and a team from Inglewood.
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A jazzy crescendo to a night with buddies
November 17, 2012
Before I tell you about one of the finest music clubs in the city, and before I tip you off to the best red-bricked little bar this side of SoHo — down a slender alley, a swanky place that ought to have a CIA operative as a bouncer and a guy with a serious scar mixing drinks for rich men's wives — let's talk about Thursday night football for a moment. What a disaster.
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Making the Lakers TV mess work for you
November 15, 2012
You turn here for mostly useless information, and I hate to disappoint, but here's a silver lining to this whole cable TV mess: If you're still among the 850,000 customers missing out on Lakers games, there are deals to be had in the standoff with Time Warner Cable.
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Man About Town: City life driving you crazy? Just say neigh.
November 10, 2012
I wrestle with my demons just like everybody else, addicted as I am to Mariel Hemingway movies and those little "fun-sized" Snickers bars, of which several trillion are floating around in these weeks after Halloween.
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Beach football in stride with SoCal lifestyle
November 7, 2012
Really great columnists use all five senses. Guys like me use maybe two — taste and thirst.
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Chris Erskine: Tough break for the L.A. Galaxy, now do-or-die
November 5, 2012
As with any great opera, the tenor dies in the end, falling upon his own scimitar as the teary-eyed vixen sings her heart out. And the fat lady is nowhere to be found.
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Man About Town: Fear and priority passes in zombie land
October 27, 2012
One of the first things you have to realize about zombies is that they drool blood, which must be hell on the dry cleaning. Never date a zombie, not even over a cup of coffee, unless you're one of those women with a bad boy/blood complex, in which case there's probably no helping you.
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Some other notable sports statues in Southland
October 23, 2012
Some of the other notable sports statues around Southern California:
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Sculptor 'tries to catch the essence of Coach' John Wooden
October 23, 2012
John Wooden is back. Not soon enough, in this me-first, Black Mamba world riddled with ego and hubris. Wooden's glory grows with each passing year, and every time Jonathan Vilma appeals his NFL case, or Lance Armstrong insists it's all a set-up. With Vince Lombardi, Wooden is the symbol of "old school" values. His simple virtues, his stubbornness, his bone-deep integrity are needed now more than ever.
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Man About Town: Carving out autumn bliss in a pumpkin patch
October 20, 2012
Largely free of the manure odors that kept me from a life in agriculture, Faulkner Farm puts on quite a pumpkin patch, replete with red barns, hayrides, a pumpkin catapult, corn mazes and, best of all, a fine tri-tip sandwich, the only thing really keeping me in California anymore.
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At Santa Anita, Tommy Halpenny's shoe-manship benefits racehorses
October 10, 2012
With a bear-trap handshake and Lucky Charms smile, "Irish" Tommy Halpenny works the stables at Santa Anita like a country doctor.
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Man About Town: American perfection: Autumn in a Midwestern college town
October 6, 2012
Prediction: I will one day be decapiated by a small woman (probably my own wife) with a giant carry-on who, in trying to stuff a ridiculously oversized piece of furniture into an overhead Delta bin, drops it on my noggin as I sit in my aisle seat, thumbing an airline magazine selling self-replenishing dog bowls and thinking, "I really ought to get one of those and — WHAM, BAM.
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'Mormon' fails to make a convert
September 29, 2012
I'd wanted to take an actual Mormon to see "The Book of Mormon," but the closest I could come was the lovely and patient older daughter — so well scrubbed and shimmery that she looked like an Irish coin.
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USC and UCLA as one big, happy family
September 26, 2012
So I'm stuck at a light at Jefferson and Hoover, waiting for some freshman in a Bavarian sedan to finish texting all her boyfriends, when the idea hits me: USC merges with UCLA, into one mega-university. One great school, the envy of the world. One phenomenal football team, in blue, cardinal and actual gold.
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Man About Town: Rough and humble on the Angeles Crest Highway
September 22, 2012
This isn't a road, it's a Reggie Bush run from scrimmage. It zigs. It zags. Your belly begins to bark. Kidneys become spleens.
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Jim Mora's drumbeat and UCLA football fans' landscape of change
September 19, 2012
So, here I am back at the Rose Bowl, when the sweaty mutant fan-blob in the seat next to me leans over and starts talking into my hair as if we're on a fifth date — something about Jerry Rice Jr. — and I'm thinking, 'Where did such a promising life go so wrong?' (Mine, not his).
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Man About Town: L.A. County Fair so bad for you it's good
September 15, 2012
First, let us consider the beauty that is a deep-fried Snickers:
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America's eyes and ears, and funnybone: Chris Erskine
September 8, 2012
Sometimes what I think the Pulitzer committee is after, humor-wise, isn't just one epic exposé, as per last week's gem on rotten-tomato fights. It's a body of hard-hitting work.
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Man About Town: Amid the attack of the killer tomatoes
September 1, 2012
In search of something transformational in these troubled times, we're headed down to a food fight at Irvine Lake, something legitimate, fully sanctioned, with rows of port-o-potties lined up like sentries at a royal garden. Have you noticed that, of all the people at the Los Angeles Times, I get the most assignments involving port-o-potties?
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River kayaking: L.A.'s best-kept secret?
August 17, 2012
I've always liked slow-moving rivers — mirrors to moonlight and literature, our first and best interstates, running over rocks, as Norman Maclean so deftly put it, "from the basement of time."
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Man About Town: L.A. Racing school makes him take stock
August 11, 2012
You're talking about someone who death-grips his martini. You're talking about someone who double-clutches during teeth cleanings.
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Man About Town: Catching summer by a crawfish tail
August 4, 2012
The summer — as do all summers — has blown by, the days growing shorter as they grow ever sweeter.
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Man About Town: Gliding along on a stand-up paddleboard
July 28, 2012
Admittedly, I am in the 50th percentile of everything — looks, intelligence, sex appeal, strength. My core muscle group is mostly pudding. I have the muscle tone of $1.99-a-pound sirloin.
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Man About Town: The sand castle sorcerer's apprentice
July 14, 2012
Like Charlie Sheen, I have no explanation for the things I do lately, other than they are on a whim and keep you guessing.
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Man About Town: Buck Rogers! In the 21st ... yikes
July 7, 2012
This is either the most thrilling thing I've ever done or the world's most effective colonic. Maybe both.
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Man About Town: A father's special, splashy day
June 16, 2012
Erma Bombeck, who had a pretty good way with words, once noted of her father:
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Man About Town: A few heroic leaps at an 'Avengers' matinee
May 12, 2012
"The Avengers," as you may have heard, is the biggest thing to happen to America since World War II but, you know, louder and more troubling. At the end of the matinee I witnessed, audience members actually cheered, believing what they'd just seen was some sort of documentary. Manhattan had been saved, which is almost always a cause for celebration, though I met this one New Yorker the other day at the rent-a-car place: swaggery young Italian guy, you know the type.
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Man About Town: At Hollywood Park, playing the ponies is family fun
May 5, 2012
With a caffeine headache and 60 bucks in my britches, I head out to the pony rides on a Friday night — to glittery, improbable Hollywood Park, now officially Betfair Hollywood Park.
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Man About Town: Giving Hunger Games Training a shot in West L.A.
April 21, 2012
I'm behind a Honda Element with three bullet holes across the back. You guessed it — West L.A., specifically that gritty stretch near the Overland exit. No, I don't know for sure that they are real bullet holes. But in this end of town, I just assume everything I see is authentic.
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Man About Town: Drinking in Swallow's Inn in San Juan Capistrano
April 14, 2012
I'm on my way down to lower Orange County in our old minivan, the Honey Fitz. It's bleeding power steering fluid, but other than that the Honey Fitz is charging out of the barn, three of the four cylinders firing in sequence, the other a virtual wooden leg.
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Chris Erskine: Goodbye to a mom who was quite right
March 31, 2012
The thing about my mother's eulogy is that I used note cards. After 55 years, you'd think you could remember a mother without such prompts. But this was no regular mother. Tell me, are there any regular mothers?
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Man About Town: City of Angels, that's no angel above
March 17, 2012
Here I go again, cooling the flames of anger through self-discovery. This time, I am piloting a little plane that's not much bigger than a sofa bed, L.A. winking up at me, as if to say, "You're really doing this?"
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Man About Town: Lucha VaVoom draws this man out of the house
March 10, 2012
First of all, it's very loud. Loud enough to trigger menopause in mice. And the audience has this look, the same facial cha-cha you see in the third period of epic hockey games, when the fans' eyes start to suds up from too much beer.
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Music to my ears: Not!
November 26, 2011
A freak for fitness, I decided the other day to concentrate on what trainers call the "core muscle groups," the very struts of the human body. In my case, the core muscles are the tongue and the schnitzel. The schnitzel is unfamiliar to many folks, but it's a sister muscle to the hamstring. Twisty like ship rope, the schnitzel runs from the back of the tongue to a spot just under my computer desk. I'm typing with it now, in fact.
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Chris Erskine: AYSO ceremony is OK for openers
September 19, 2009
There's a cricket in the kitchen. Chirps all night long, like he's trying to sell me something.
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Captain Erskine turns to a trusty parrot
September 5, 2009
The little boy with the Creamsicle hair is beginning the first grade. He'll be in Room 15, the note from the teacher advises a few days in advance.
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L.A. in all its quirky glory on display at Santa Monica Pier
August 26, 2009
Santa Monica Pier juts out into the Pacific like Jay Leno's jaw, a defiant, whimsical and improbable landing pad. Just 100 feet below, sharks are at play, scarfing the occasional hot dog and Coke cup that plop into their Sunday soup. Up on deck, L.A. is at play too. Here, on SoCal's splendid splinter.
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Chris Erskine: Graduation night
June 20, 2009
This is the quirkiness we will miss, one of the oddities that will leave life a little empty after our teenager jets off to college in August, miserable August, only two months away.
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Baring his soul . . . and more
June 6, 2009
Keeping a relationship alive these days isn't easy. So, in an effort to demonstrate my commitment, I just sexted my wife of 27 years -- that is, I have sent her a revealing photo taken with my cellphone.
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London revisited: The daughter's side of the story
May 16, 2009
So here's what happens. My dad asks if I want to go to London with him, and I say, "Sure, chap, totally," and before I know it, I'm walking down this London street, Gloucester, which is pronounced Glowster for some reason. Like my dad, this whole country has a bad case of the mumbles.
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Conquering London, not-so little daughter in tow
May 9, 2009
A wonderful thing, a daughter. It's what the creator gave me instead of a way with money or a firm jaw line. I have two daughters, the oldest of whom is accompanying me to London for a week of work. She is lovely. She is patient. She is . . . gasp . . . 25?
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The glove is off
May 2, 2009
We pull off to the school drop-off. A kid gets out, and here's what comes pouring out of our family car:
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Chicago: The Windy, Meaty City
April 25, 2009
We are creeping along the Chicago expressway when I decide it is time to merge into the right lane. For some reason, none of the other drivers is letting me in. I do all the things I usually do when I merge. The blinker is bleating -- hiccup, hiccup -- and Posh is hanging out the passenger window to her waist, licking her lips and smiling demurely. In L.A., this works 10 out of 10 times.
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How 'bout that Midwestern spirit?
April 18, 2009
Our tour of Midwestern universities gets off to an excellent start when -- I think it was at Purdue -- the little girl inquires as to whether they have "you know, a high-end spa here?" Then one night in Chicago, I have a cheeseburger so huge that I will be working it off forever. It is lodged next to my gallbladder like some new internal organ. No, doc, that's not a lump. That's just last week's lunch.
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Good eggs, cracks and all
April 11, 2009
Posh is telling me how she knows someone who knows someone with "a farm in mid-state," where if you give the woman empty egg cartons, she'll fill them with fresh eggs for free.
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Debutantes on parade, a.k.a. the dad-daughter waltz night
April 4, 2009
In our last installment, we were renting tuxedos and learning to waltz, fun stuff only if you're one of those country club stiffs who's dead from the neck up. Me, I'd rather be stapled to a ping-pong table and attacked by geese than attend a black-tie dinner. I'd rather drown in pudding.
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Suit up, Dad, time to waltz Tuxedos and naked truths
March 28, 2009
Should've bagged the whole thing when they told me I'd have to waltz. Who waltzes anymore? Prussian diplomats? Is there even a Prussia anymore? No, because while everyone was waltzing, mean dudes with muskets were coming over the parapets.
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A full plate of banquets and dinners
March 14, 2009
I sit next to this amazing woman at the school fundraising dinner. Turns out I know her a little. We were married 26 years ago. To this day I can remember how her hair smelled in church that day -- like shamrocks over very good pasta.
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Dinner party makes for a big night out
March 7, 2009
So we go off to a little dinner party, barely speaking to each other, my wife and I. Not sure what sparked the silent treatment. Might've been when I flippantly offered to give her driving lessons. Sometimes, I can be such an . . .
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Hearing loss has its advantages at home
February 28, 2009
I'm pretty much deaf now. The male ear can withstand only so many gripes, accusations, hissy fits and requests for cash before the eardrum itself -- like a tiny silk pizza -- just implodes on itself.
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My (family's) funny Valentine's Day
February 21, 2009
Exhausted from Valentine's Day, my dad is taking a little time off from his column, leaving me to write the silly thing on my iPhone while waiting at stoplights and stuff. Yeah, I know that's totally illegal. Go ahead, arrest me.
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Las Vegas is one long happy hour
February 7, 2009
I love martinis. I average about two a year, usually here in Las Vegas, where they are known to spawn. A cold glass of beer is a splendid sight, and a glass of Chardonnay has a lovely sort of moon glow. But a martini comes with that great stiletto heel.
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Where babies come from: Vegas
January 31, 2009
It's early on a wintry Saturday morning, gray as an undertaker's chin, and I'm trying to steal an extra hour of precious rest. I tore my schnitzel playing touch football last weekend and I need to nurse the injury as long as I possibly can. In fact, they were asking about it after church the other day.
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Frankly speaking on the college essay
January 24, 2009
Subject: The most-ultimate college entrance essay ever
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A burning desire for turkey wings
January 17, 2009
I'm talking to my buddy Irv about women -- of which I know precious little -- and I confess upfront that I refuse to chase her anymore.
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Date night at the movies
January 10, 2009
If they ever give an Academy Award to the best moviegoer of the year, I would have to be a nominee. No one enters a packed theater with more flair (or more popcorn).
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A holiday night's dream? Well, mostly
January 3, 2009
A few final thoughts about the holidays, and then we'll move on.
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A Christmas wish: Get back to basics
December 20, 2008
It's not even Christmas yet, and I've already gained 5 pounds, most of it on my face (see dotted sketch). Five pounds doesn't sound like a lot, unless it's all in your jowls. Besides, I have been gaining 5 pounds every Christmas for about 20 years now, which adds up to 100 pounds in my face alone. Christmas in your face. Is there any other way?
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What do you do with a growing hamster family? Give them away
December 13, 2008
We are wealthy with hamsters. Some families have no hamsters at all (which must leave a real hole in your heart). We have nine hamsters. Let me explain.
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It's a yard sale economy
December 6, 2008
Every household should have its own economic stimulus package. In our case, it's a yard sale -- the ultimate in recycling.
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White House dog? Here's the perfect candidate
November 15, 2008
GM is turning into a 99 Cents Only Store. Circuit City outlets are disappearing faster than Carmen Electra's career. Yet, all anyone can talk about is what kind of dog Malia and Sasha should have once they get to the White House. Let's settle this right here. I nominate our sweet little beagle, Cujo, for the role. Cujo seconds the motion.
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California dreaming in November
November 8, 2008
Nice time for a drive, November. Welcome back the breezes and the sweatered weathercasters promising a slight chance of rain. Breathe deep the oak fire from up the block or the fine damp smells we haven't had in six or eight months. After six months of relentless sun, the clouds are a satisfying change. They alter the light in the living room and the gray-green of the olive trees out back.
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Under Friday night lights, reeling in the years and relishing the suburban life
November 1, 2008
We're sitting in a heap of people, right in the middle of the bleachers, under the Friday night lights. Generally, I don't like being in a heap of people. But this is special -- homecoming -- and I am surrounded by some of the nicest people I know.
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The full brood is back -- and the pecking order's clear
October 25, 2008
We're at that important juncture on a Sunday morning, where if we can get our dog, Cujo, to close his red-rimmed eyes, we might sneak in an extra hour of sleep. I just want to roll over and not have to think about how to pay for Christmas.
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So little money, so much you can do
October 18, 2008
I'M NOT sure what everyone means by "hunkering down," though I suspect there's no nudity involved. Hunkering down sounds sort of appealing, though. Like something you'd do in slippers and an old sweat shirt. And pants, of course. Never forget the pants.
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Fall's soccer ritual kicks in
September 20, 2008
SO HERE I AM,O HERE I AM, in my 17th season of AYSO, the Joe Paterno of youth soccer. I am like one of those guys who marries the same woman three times, not realizing my mistake, thinking this go-around will somehow be different. "Do you, Coach, take this team to drive you completely bonkers for the next three months, till death do you part?"
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The little guy's first day of kindergarten
September 6, 2008
SO WE SAY O WE SAY an Ave Maria and send the little guy off to school for the very first time. Kindergarten . . . the bunny lair of lower education.
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What's a family beach trip without text messaging?
July 10, 2008
We're trying to steal some family time in this increasingly busy and beepy world -- a world that has become electronic almost to a fault, human connections going, going, gone . . .
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The new Mayberry?
July 3, 2008
I'm only happy if I'm shopping. Wait, that's a slight exaggeration. I'm only happy when I'm not shopping. The last time I was in the Glendale Galleria, Abe Lincoln was off to see a show.
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Baseball, booze and a send-off
June 26, 2008
SO THE Blue Jay Sluggers cap their undefeated season -- no wins, no losses, 14 ties -- with a party in the park. It's a lavish display befitting today's modern athlete: food, gifts and groupies (in this case, the boys' moms).
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The prom dates are here
June 5, 2008
I love love. It's so full of hope. So full of little chocolate sprinkles.
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Grandma's come to visit
May 22, 2008
GRANDMA arrived the other day, with a suitcase the size of a Frigidaire. Took two grown men and a forklift to move it from the car to our guest quarters, which doubles as the little guy's bedroom. Come visit us and you're likely to have Spider-Man sheets and a stuffed raccoon as a bunkmate. Make your summer reservations now.
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Why we don't let him do reviews
March 6, 2008
Finally caught up to "Juno," the supposedly sensational little flick about teen angst.
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It's no shock when vacations head south
June 7, 2007
IT finally occurs to me, after 25 years, that I married Amelia Earhart. Hey, everybody, call off the search. She's right here, in the passenger seat next to me, trying to read a road map that she's holding upside down.
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Truly, it's a funny, knock-knock world
May 31, 2007
NEXT time you have a moment, ask yourself this: How much honesty does my life have? Is my work mostly truthful and rewarding? In my personal life, can I level with my friends? Do my kids think I'm a fraud?
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She's sweet 16 and smart as a whip. Ouch.
May 24, 2007
SHE TURNED 16 the other day, and I can hardly spit out the words. Sixteen. As in 16 candles. As in sweet (and sour) 16. As in the .416 (or so) batting average she racked up for her school softball team. As in the 16 bucks I gave her for the movies. As in the 16 times I told her to clean her room, damn it. Or else.
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A red-eye flight gets even redder
October 6, 2005
I CONSIDER AN autumn trip back to the Midwest a success as long as I don't get picked off by hunters. Now, I am being tested like never before, taking a red-eye flight to Chicago with just the toddler — a leprechaun with his mother's eyes and licorice on his breath. The smart money is on the leprechaun.
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Yard work? Sure, after his nap
March 24, 2005
The social contract that I've established with this toddler is that he follows me wherever I go and behaves exactly the way I behave. If I sneeze explosively, as dads often do, he is to sneeze the same way. If I wink at the cashier at the garden center, he is to wink as well. He's not so much my mirror image as a walking, talking mulligan. A human do-over. We waddle off on a Saturday morning like two ducks headed for a pond.
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A little church, a little chili
December 30, 2004
The full moon is coming up over the mountains like a big bowl of milk, and friends and neighbors are all entering church for Christmas Eve services. As the baby sits on my lap, I try to re-crease his cotton collar with my thumb and forefinger. Lots of luck.
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Brotherhood of the backyard
July 29, 2004
I enter the backyard like the Cat in the Hat, hairy legged and bent on mischief. I carry a tray full of steaks and a pair of tongs longer than your arm. There is a splotch of what looks like dragon's blood on my shirt. It's marinade. Why? Because it makes me taste better.
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A summer place
July 8, 2004
"MOM? Mom? Mom-mom-mom-mom-mom … "
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