Family Guy is a special experience, and one that no humble reviewer can truly hope to encapsulate, with tools as clumsy as "opinions" and a single, inflexible number. To that end, we've produced a foolproof questionnaire that will spit out a personalised score, based on your unique tastes. Simply check the boxes next to the statements you agree with, and your one-size-fits-you score will appear at the bottom, as if by journalism.
- The Family Guy TV series is not in decline. In fact, it just keeps getting funnier. I don't know where Seth McFarlane gets his ideas.
- When I fire a gun, I don't want any physical sense of recoil, or any illusion of impact. It should, instead, feel like someone else is throwing marbles at a lamp-post, until the lamp-post disappears.
- Insults relating to sexuality are so innately funny that they don't require context or purpose. Simply calling another person gay qualifies as a top-tier joke. For example, if a character approaches me with a gun, saying "looks like we've got a couple of queers", or "look how gay you are", that's fantastic. Gay people! Can you even imagine?
- My idea of a fun side mission is to collect somewhere between five and fifteen identical items that have been concealed throughout the level, with no meaningful reward.
- If I had a narrative device like the Multiverse, that made literally anything possible, I would say "I want a pirate level because pirates are funny. Shut up let's do a pirate level," before patting myself on the tummy and screaming "Hooooo, boy! I do like pirates."
- Difficulty should not come from a cunning enemy AI. It should come from a greasy camera and large numbers of enemies. Shooting a dozen FBI agents as their kindergarten AI leads them towards me in a suicidal conga line sounds like tense, tactical fun.
- I love co-op in all its forms, even if that does mean two people playing the same terrible game. I mean, co-op, right? That's always a good thing, isn't it?
- Every game must have deathmatch, capture the flag and Horde Mode. There's no excuse not to have these modes in this days and age. Why doesn't FIFA 13 have a Horde Mode? It's lazy, is what it is.
- The online modes must be local split-screen only, though, because I am not allowed the internet after I posted a stream of so-called "hate speech" about gays, sluts, disabled people, Jews, and for some reason, the Amish. What's their problem? I was only joking. Some people have no sense of humour. Why am I the only person who's not an uptight hypersensitive loser?
- I am a frothing imbecile who deserves nothing of value in my life.
33 comments so far...
msbhvn on 27 Nov '12 said:
I suspect this review is funnier than the game itself.
Bezza89 on 27 Nov '12 said:
Best. Review. Ever.
More like this please!
CunningSmile on 27 Nov '12 said:
Hats off once again to Log. This was genius, and fairly impressive the way the score actually changes (I'm easily impressed)
fatalgilly on 27 Nov '12 said:
Brilliant!!!! haha!!
ItchyRash on 27 Nov '12 said:
I gave this game a 1. Who doesn't like pirates after all. Brilliant review though. I actually read an article online in the Guardian the other day about Mr Blyth. You know you've made it when you're considered funny by the Guardian
http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/ga ... own-review
FishyGinger on 27 Nov '12 said:
What a good review
bravo.
1/10, looks like a rubbish game. Yes I'm a frothing imbecile
Metalrodent on 27 Nov '12 said:
1/10 - I do love pirates
Figured the game would be like this, didn't get why people were hyping it up
schwepterbrowser on 27 Nov '12 said:
Nice review! 1/10 from me too... I'm still getting it, though.
CunningSmile on 27 Nov '12 said:
Did everyone get 1/10?
Was it all pirates?
Raluph on 27 Nov '12 said:
This is the best review for anything ever, no more needs to be said
OXM ETboy on 27 Nov '12 said:
I got a 2/10. I like pirates and co-op.
FishyGinger on 27 Nov '12 said:
Imbecile frothy
CunningSmile on 27 Nov '12 said:
Somehow I never doubted that about you Fish
ItchyRash on 27 Nov '12 said:
How are Metacritic going to capture this review for their critic review section?
LuRcH18489 on 27 Nov '12 said:
i guess you couldnt be bothered to do your job properly today, if you are just allowing people to review games ourselves without even playing them then we may aswell make up completely fictional games that dont and never will exist and rate them 9 million out of 3.
CunningSmile on 27 Nov '12 said:
Looks like Fish isn't the only frothing imbecile on here
lazercut123 on 27 Nov '12 said:
3 although I lied about 2 of those things........ So 1
Plamsa wing on 27 Nov '12 said:
Do the pirates have beards? I like bearded pirates, if not, it's a 0.
Great review though, it's an interesting twist for a seemingly awful game.
ItchyRash on 27 Nov '12 said:
The whole point of this review is clearly lost on you sir. Based on your fine contribution this is probably the perfect game for you
OXM Log on 27 Nov '12 said:
Obviously you're some kind of genius, because this is a brilliant idea.
Hey guys, what do you think of Axelord Warpath? I think the graphics were great but the axes could have been bigger
CunningSmile on 27 Nov '12 said:
Maybe I'm just more secure but I thought the axes were just the right size
However Disappointingly Small Axes 3: The Hatchet did suffer from that problem. Suppose I shouldn't be surprised really.
OXM Log on 27 Nov '12 said:
What's the matter, CunningSmile? Did the check not arrive from the publishers of Small Axes 3 this month? This is far and away the best axe game for lovers of modest axemanship, the hatchets in particular (yeah it's all hatchets I know) are brilliant
CunningSmile on 27 Nov '12 said:
The cheque bounced. However the one from the publishers of "Discreetly Sized Lumberjack Tools" did clear, hence my endorsement of this excellent game for all lovers of small to mid-sized blades on the end of a piece of wood.
lazercut123 on 27 Nov '12 said:
I like axes, I like DEFINITELY NOT killing people with them
FishyGinger on 27 Nov '12 said:
Wow, my imbecility rating has just gone down after that storming post from Lurch, well done sir. Especially for mixing up the capital letters in your name, another stroke of guinness there. Also because I spelt imbecility right the first time me thinks I'm clevar.
I'll never trust this site for axe-based game reviews after Swing-Axe for kinect got full marks. Even the closing line;
came across as though it was paid for. Very disappoint.
Metalrodent on 27 Nov '12 said:
It's basically a score of 0
OXM Log on 27 Nov '12 said:
I think Metacritic will ignore this one. Personally, that's a welcome side-effect.
PCG The_B on 27 Nov '12 said:
I say we review Metacritic and give it a 3. That'll confuse them, or the resultant paradox will cause a black hole on the internet.
PonderingWalrus on 27 Nov '12 said:
Anybody at all give this a decent score? I gave it a 2 - 4 score as two of the points depend on what kind of mood I'm in; I'm only a frothing imbecile around the time of the full moon.
Vegetunks9000 on 28 Nov '12 said:
So game of the year then? This is the first time I've seen a game get 0/10. Fantastic review though.
The Son Of Pie on 28 Nov '12 said:
Can't believe you actually gave this a nine!!
Oh, hang on...
Cock!
benwhitmore on 11 Dec '12 said:
whats you actuall review of this game i dont want to buy it but whats it like
CunningSmile on 12 Dec '12 said:
He basically gave it a zero.