Does X mark the spot in Mega Man X? Hell to the yes!

MOTHER OF GOD! Remember when I was talking about Mega Man 3 and how amazing it is? Take everything I said about it, multiply it by PURE NIRVANA, and you get Mega Man X, the first 16-bit Mega Man title. It is truly astounding how absolutely perfect this game is and how warm it makes my buttocks feel. There are a lot of X titles, but the first one is the bestest, because I said so (and my buttocks never lie). How can this game make me so giddy and touch a member of my anatomy that isn't even hooked into the SNES or television (note to self: make butt controllers)? Well, read on to find out why, I'M TRYING TO ENTERTAIN YOU PEOPLE.



Resist the urge to mash buttons once the game starts, and you will be treated to PLOT. You'll see X and how awesome he is, with details about his entire body filling up the screen with text. Then you see a typed warning from Dr. Light, X's creator (apparently he didn't love his original creation enough not to make an infinitely better version of him). According to Dr. Light, X is the first robot ever built with the ability to think and have emotions, which means he will either be a great danger or a great protector of humanity, depending on if he ever breaks the "kill no human" rule (and if anyone saw the ending to Mega Man 7 and how Mega Man almost blew Wily's head off because he was tired of so many sequels, we have a rough timeline of when exactly X will finally snap and burn the world to the ground). The title screen then pops up with a cool animation and the music is SO FUCKING GOOD AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE GOOD UNTIL THE GAME ENDS. When you press start (with X as the menu icon and he shoots a green laser beam and it is SO COOL), there are no robot masters to select from, however. Intriguing...



Yes, this isn't the Mega Man you remember from the NES days. Mega Man X and its sequels all have an intro stage, and the first one is particularly memorable, because you learn so much about your robot friend. He can charge shots as well as shoot Nerf bullets. He can stick to walls with a dust trail behind him and kick and climb upwards. When X's health is low, he pants and his helmet blinks to let you know you are fucked. There are such things as giant bee robots, which is my greatest fear because bugs were already scary enough and now they have missiles and gunfire. You can shoot robots off of cars and ride them because you are stylish. And at the end, you fight a robot in a robot mech (kinky) and you cannot even damage him. You feel helpless; you just started playing and you are already going to lose a life. But just when you are trapped and about to be squished like a tomato, your friend Zero DASHES in and fucking takes the robot mech's arm off in one shot. Zero tells you one day you will be as strong as he is, you just need to upgrade individual parts of your body. GLORY DAY AND PRAISE ROBOT JESUS!



Now the real meat and potatoes of the game starts. You thought you were gonna fight strange robots like Sheep Man and Yamato Man? Fuck no, you fight robot ANIMALS in Mega Man X, animals we all know and love (like the beloved Kuwanger). You can view each robot's stage and specs and where they are on the map, and then pick Chill Penguin first so you can get the dash upgrade. I usually get the dash, kill myself, then do Storm Eagle first and start the correct robot order; that way I get 3 upgrades right away and can start being like my hero Zero. What you'll notice that is new and fresh about Mega Man X is that there are Heart Containers hidden in each level that increase your overall life. Also, there are no E Tanks; instead, you can collect 4 Sub Tanks and fill them with excess energy capsules that you pick up when your life is already full (and picking up weapon energy for your other weapons automatically fills up the one that is lowest, because Capcom used to love us all). Another thing you'll notice because this game is like Reese's Cheesecake is that going back to certain stages after beating a particular robot master will ALTER IT; for example, Flame Mammoth's stage turns to ice if you've murdered Chill Penguin in cold blood (punny!) and part of Sting Chameleon's stage floods if you have bested Launch Octopus in combat (these both help you get Heart Containers, so you are welcome, internet).



Ultimately, your goal is to make the Blue Bomber a shiny White Knight with all his enhancements (feet, arms, head, and body) and destroy Sigma, a robot who is hell bent on slaughtering all humans and building a utopia solely for robots. Along the way, Zero "dies" and gives you his buster if you were too much of a noob to find the gun enhancement yourself; it is then that you realize only you can save the world, and in order to do so, you have to surpass the one robot you've been spending the entire game trying to live up to (THE PRESSURE). In the end, you prevail; you blow up Jedi Sigma and his dog, and finish off Sigma's face when he attaches it to a giant machine that came from the darkest recesses of my mind (and it is a damn difficult battle). I remember beating this on my dad's television when I was a kid because I didn't have my own and how happy I was. The faint glow of the tv was all that illuminated my face because it was late at night, and I remember a smile crossing my face when a message from Sigma came after the credits; X's (and my) battle was far from over.



I'm going to end this by gushing: I love Mega Man X, and I love it because Capcom tried something new and succeeded in truly setting X apart from his 8-bit brother. I love dashing and shooting and that is how I always ended up going through boss doors, because it was the only way that felt right. I always dashed with my index finger, because my thumb was always charging X's buster while slightly hovering over the jump button; it is the most awkward and yet satisfying stance I have ever used to hold a controller. I love how X can charge all the weapons he collects from bosses, which results in cool things like a shield that covers your whole body or temporary invisibility. Most of all, I love the little things. I love how the Met hats are still around and how a single Batton can be found in Armor Armadillo's stage; hell, I love shocking that fucker's armor off with a single blast from Spark Mandrill's gun and seeing him fry. I love how you can get Ryu's Hadoken by doing such an asinine thing like collecting all the power-ups and jumping in a chasm 3 times (and Dr. Light is dressed as Ryu when he gives it to you and X says a cute little audible "Hadoken!" when he shoots it). I love how you can tear Flame Mammoth's tusk off with Boomer Kuwanger's weapon. I love how Storm Eagle fights you on top of a plane and you don't even need to go through his boss door to fight him. I love making X do a walking glitch while riding on those spiked thingees the axe robots shoot at you at the beginning of Chill Penguin's stage; I could go on forever. I'll stop, but if you are wondering what the greatest music track in the game is, here you go.