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01.20.13, 15:38 PM General Topics
122 replies
Last night was the first time I encountered the sahm snub in real life. We were out to dinner with new friends and the very drunk dh asked me what I do. Told him I stay home with my kids. He made a point of asking me what I want to do "future tense" and I again said that I just want to stay home with my kids. He was super drunk and I was totally sober and it made for a very awkward conversation. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 01.20.13, 03:38 PM Flag
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I experienced that at a wedding about a year ago but with some wannabe pretentious 20 something twit gf of one of my dh's friends. She was having a convo with me and when she asked what I did, and replied SAHM, she immediate stopped talking to me! I was so happy to end the convo b/c she was only trying to social climb with my dh's Ivy League friends. Had no use for me! But she was truly pathetic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:42 PM Flag
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I hate people like that. Glad she spared you by showing her true colors. It would be funny if you were like a bazillionaire and she didn't know. She would have regretted that snub. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 09:04 PM Flag
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Reality check. Before Ms. SAHM gets too self-righteous, let's consider how *she* would react if she was having a conversation with someone and they revealed that their job was a house-cleaner. Would it be so surprising if the SAHM showed less interest in becoming better friends? On the other end of the spectrum, if a high-powered lawyer, doctor, professor, even finance person, meets someone whose "job" it is to take care of their kids, a job for which they may get 1-4 people as staff to offer assistance, they may not have much to speak about. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.22.13, 01:11 AM Flag
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Wow. With that type of elitist attitude I bet you miss out on knowing a lot of great people because you consider them to be below you. Your loss. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.22.13, 01:37 AM Flag
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Maybe he meant when your kids are grown? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:42 PM Flag
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THIS [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:47 PM Flag
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How is she supposed to know at this point!? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:49 PM Flag
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Kids start school at 5. A 5-year plan is not unrealistic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:50 PM Flag
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5 is not "grown" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:56 PM Flag
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OR: Didn't mean to imply that. Of course they're not grown, but you don't need to stay home with them when they're not home. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:01 PM Flag
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I think you need to stay home the most when they're teenagers [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 03:40 AM Flag
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Totally agree. That's when all of the scary stuff starts happening. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 05:52 AM Flag
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OP : exactly. My kids are little! And why interrogate someone you've just met? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:53 PM Flag
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It doesn't sound like he was interrogating you. He asked a clarifying question. He was looking for a point of common interest or something to spark a larger conversation. Had I been in your shoes, I might have said something like, "I may go back to what I was doing before, which is X. Or I may go to school for Y. Or I was thinking about Z." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:59 PM Flag
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Well, maybe she's not, so why lie? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:05 PM Flag
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Well if she has not plan for the future then I might snub her too. Boooring! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:08 PM Flag
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I just had my third baby and if I don't give a new and very drunk friend my five year plan then I'm boring? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:54 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:01 PM Flag
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+2 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:48 PM Flag
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This is probably it. I am a sahm, and I sometimes have asked other sahm's the same thing. It is something I think about a lot because I don't have an answer yet and am looking for ideas. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:12 PM Flag
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+1. Maybe he was giving you credit for not wanting to watch soaps and eat bon bons. Maybe he shouldn't have. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 11:14 PM Flag
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Yes. All sahm eat bon bons and watch soaps. All day, every day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 12:56 AM Flag
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No, but you and OP are peas in a pod - too thick to understand that people might assume you want more from life than to polish the silver after the kids are in school all day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 04:48 AM Flag
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OP: but he was specifically asking what job I would have. You can't experience "more" in life without working? Polishing silver isn't my life dream...but neither is going back to work. There is a happy medium and I resented the implication that I had to have a job. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 05:42 AM Flag
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Maybe he resents YOUR implication that once your youngest is in K, you have a God-given right to coast through cooking classes all day long. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 12:36 PM Flag
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If it was my husband making these comments, you would have a point. The fact that it was someone I've only met a few times at a bar on a Saturday night makes it weird. Why would he have any opinion about how my husband and I choose to live our lives? If my husband and I are happy, what's it to him? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 05:28 PM Flag
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It goes to personality type and character. Sorry, but I'd have a difficult time understanding or respecting someone who wanted to garden and cook and be on perma-vacation for life either. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 11:51 PM Flag
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I don't consider raising kids and running a household a perma-vacation, but we can agree to disagree. Have a nice evening. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.22.13, 01:38 AM Flag
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I remember being snubbed a attorney friends of my first husband. It's not fun. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:44 PM Flag
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this! i get a lot of weird looks when i say i'm a SAHM being a phd in econ. but hey, then i explain to them the real estate cycle, the deleveraging process, marginal tax rates for 2nd earners that will only go up to pay the boomers aging costs and lack of mother-friendly labor mkt regulations and they seem to begin to get it. you know what? i'm getting the feeling that the people asking me don't have a clue what is their own marginal tax rate, much less what's the net their wives are really making. i take managing our own portfolio any day of the week to working for a wage as a 2nd earner. the two-income trap is all too real for us. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:50 PM Flag
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Maybe they look down on it for non-financial reasons. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:52 PM Flag
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Why do they get to judge? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:09 PM Flag
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Anyone can judge I think [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:16 PM Flag
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true. i judged homebuyers a lot cause of stupidly buying homes for too high a price and even engaging on bidding wars. i was told several times that it's not polite to do so. why is it polite to look down on SAHMs? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:00 PM Flag
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Polite to judge privately? Of course that's perfectly polite [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 09:50 PM Flag
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So, in answer to the question, you should say I manage our investment portfolio and take care of the kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:52 PM Flag
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so true! capitalistic role first, then the kids who should be a priority to society but we are not there yet. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:01 PM Flag
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Tacky. She should say she runs the family office and takes care of her kids [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:04 PM Flag
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what's tacky? to say "investments" aloud? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:06 PM Flag
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While I'd love to be wealthy enough to stay home and manage my own portfolio - you do realize that many of us aren't the '2nd wage earner' in the equation. Right? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:07 PM Flag
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of course. i'm not in possession of the magic formula that solves life for every type of household formation. what's important to me, is to understand how short-sighted public policies go against what society is telling us to do. in our case, there are not many financial incentives for the 2nd earner to work after bills are paid on the 1st wage. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:05 PM Flag
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Bills could be paid on either wage. We clearly don't love taking it up the ass from the IRS. But, we have plenty of incentive to both work. There are ways to lessen your tax liability. Early retirement is #1 incentive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:19 PM Flag
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yep, same here, dh wants to retire early too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:25 PM Flag
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You sound very defensive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:13 PM Flag
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Right? So over the top defensive [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:50 PM Flag
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He probably just meant what are you going to do when your kids are in school full time? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:51 PM Flag
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Or college!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:51 PM Flag
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Here come the flames: I don't intend to join the workforce again. That's pretty common among our friends/social circle so it isn't like I'm an outlier. His own wife is a sahm with one child who is in school full time. He seemed so perplexed that I plan to do the same. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:58 PM Flag
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Workforce shmorkforce. He wanted to know how you plan on filling your days once you're not knee deep in diapers. He was trying to get to know you as a person beyond your role taking care of babies. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:06 PM Flag
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np Sounds like he was trying to be a (drunk) asshole. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:09 PM Flag
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OP : I don't know what his intentions were but he definitely came across as aasshole. To the pp, he was so drunk that a thoughtful getting to know you conversation was not happening. Lol [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:56 PM Flag
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npnp Yeah, I can see that. Asking about career is a great conversation starter. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 09:11 PM Flag
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Good for you if you have the means. There's no reason to not want to stay at home and give 100% of yourself to your kids. Everyone tries to make you feel guilty about that desire but why? Even if kids are in school you can till be doing lots of stuff for them while they're there. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:07 PM Flag
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Why would you give 100% of yourself to your kids, when they don't need or want it? At some point (e.g. when dcs are 12 y.o.), it's just an excuse to be dependent on dh. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:13 PM Flag
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I think I will still busy when they are that age. So many practices, classes, etc. i would rather take the to that stuff myself. They will still need me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:03 PM Flag
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It's for the whole family, not just the kids [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 03:11 AM Flag
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Curious as to what you do intend to do in the future. Volunteer? Start a business? Perfect a hobby? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:08 PM Flag
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I dont know yet. I love to cook so I've thought about classes at Le cordon bleu for my own enjoyment. I will definitely volunteer at their school. Maybe volunteer at the local food bank. Having free time during the day is so far off right now. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:00 PM Flag
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Hey, OP, I'm just saying. You may never INTEND to join the workforce again but setbacks can happen, people can lose their money, and maybe you will have a seemingly sweet DH fuck you over empty the savings, and cancel his life insurance policy. Shit happens. If you're saying Oh, that would never happen to me, well, that's what a lot of other people thought too. Enjoy being with the kids, but realize that in this world, you have to have some means of supporting yourself, and a moneymaking dh isn't always 100% guaranteed. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 09:09 PM Flag
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Of course that all could happen, but I don't live my life expecting the wore. If I had to get a job, I would. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 09:19 PM Flag
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^^worst^^ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 09:20 PM Flag
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That was my though too. As a SAHM, I sometimes ask the same question. I didn't know I was insulting people when I ask it. I am genuinely curious. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:14 PM Flag
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From another sahm I don't think it would be insulting. It would be a conversation. I felt like this guy was judging. I've never encountered that in real life before. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:16 PM Flag
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I got snubbed by my DH's office mistress. She basically implied that if I had been doing something more interesting than chasing after kids, then my DH wouldn't have been so bored with me and had so much more in common with her. Then there was something about leeching off him while she was an independent woman who supported herself. blah blah blah [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:49 PM Flag
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Whoa what? Are you still with him??? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:52 PM Flag
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Yes, I'm still with him. He broke it off and she sent me a few crazy emails for a while afterwards. We worked through it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:55 PM Flag
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What does "worked through it mean?" do you think this was his only affair? How long did he do it for? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:07 PM Flag
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Kind of too long an answer for this post, which is about SAHM [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:16 PM Flag
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What?! That's awful! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:55 PM Flag
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She was just repeating what dh told her. You segregated yourselves into very different worlds and grew apart. DH lost interest. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:54 PM Flag
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Oh, I'm sure that's what he said. Not born yesterday. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:06 PM Flag
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(sorry, that response looks more snippy than I wanted it to be ... I'm saying you are right.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:04 PM Flag
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How can you forgive him? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:08 PM Flag
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I loved/love him. He did a really bad thing to us/me. We have been together a very long time. It was not worth breaking up the marriage over. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:14 PM Flag
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He is not married to her, miss independent is the OW. Witch [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 03:10 AM Flag
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OP: my kids are 5, 2, and newborn, so his inquisition was really odd. And his wife is a sahm to one child?! Why was he so confused by me? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:52 PM Flag
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Making conversation then. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:52 PM Flag
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lol, ever think he was drunk and trying to make conversation? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:53 PM Flag
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I know... But it passed that point. He kept asking and asking about what I will do future tense. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:00 PM Flag
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So, he didn't snub you at all. He just continued to try to get to know your interests/goals after the point at which you had already told him that your interests/goals don't go beyond dcs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:03 PM Flag
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No, not true. I just said that I don't want to go back to work. Definitely doesn't mean that I have no interests or goals. That's absurd. That would imply that a wohm only has interests an goals related to work. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:07 PM Flag
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he was drunk and you could have turned it around and asked his wife what her plans are for the future - move the conversation along [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:01 PM Flag
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May e his wife has future goals so he was curious what yours are. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:10 PM Flag
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He's probably projecting his own feelings about his wife's choice to sah. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:08 PM Flag
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You are being overly sensitive. Why do you think his question came from a bad place? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:16 PM Flag
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I guess because he kept digging and asking repeatedly. I'm very comfortable with my choice, so I'm truly not sensitive about it. I was just odd. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:19 PM Flag
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I would have just answered, "nothing" at some point to end it. What could he say to that? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:25 PM Flag
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Sounds like an ass and probably doesn't make that much money himself. In many of the 7-figure take home salary hhi families that we know, the wives who stay home were all accomplished professionally (and well compensated! $400K+) but have now chosen to take a different path. His loss to have missed getting to know you! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:50 PM Flag
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Aw, thanks. That made me smilie. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:54 PM Flag
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i am sure he meant once the kids were grown, and i bet the conversation was only awkward because you were sober....never try to have a serious discussion with a drunk person [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:53 PM Flag
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Lol. It was the end of the night and it was definitely time to go home. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:00 PM Flag
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yea, end of the night with drunks can be difficult - chalk it up as an experience and next time be prepared to change the subject if you do not want to discuss your choices [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:02 PM Flag
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"what do you do" is a lame question to begin with. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:03 PM Flag
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You're right. Everyone should comment on the fact that we're having weather. Totally avoid any potential for miscommunication. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 11:18 PM Flag
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What do you suggest? With a newborn, "read any good books?" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 11:06 PM Flag
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I think you're being too sensitive. If he was drunk, YOU should have been the one to get away, not the one doing the interrogating. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:23 PM Flag
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that's nothing. i quit working when i got pregnant with my first but people couldn't tell i was expecting until towards the end of third trimester. i once met a man and he asked me what i did. i said i am doing nothing but enjoying leisure life and he asked, "did you go to college?" seriously, who the hell has no college degree these days? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:23 PM Flag
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me for one [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:34 PM Flag
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You're kidding, right? Plenty of people don't go. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 09:15 PM Flag
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I don't see that as a snub. I'll ask WOHM what they want to do in 5 years, too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:27 PM Flag
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If she said she wanted to still be working at her current job would you keep asking and asking? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:31 PM Flag
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He was very drunk. There's a good chance he didn't even register your answer. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 07:34 PM Flag
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I wouldn't take that as a snub from a man or a woman. I'd take that as someone who has no other way to make conversation than to talk about but work. Add to that the fact that he's drunk and he has little ability to make polite conversation beyond "what do you do?" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:39 PM Flag
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Great answer. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:47 PM Flag
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this [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 03:23 AM Flag
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What an ass. He's just showing his ignorance and has no clue about the amount of work it takes to be a SAHM. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 08:05 PM Flag
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Well, that's rude but he's drunk, so I wouldn't think about it for too long. Honestly, you don't have to give other people the power to make you feel awkward about this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 09:14 PM Flag
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At this point, after 10 years as SAHM and starting to look for work, I find it a compliment when someone assumes that there is more to me than "mom" and is interested to hear what! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 11:30 PM Flag
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Would you prefer to be a WOHM like me who had a prospective client (like, a really important client to my firm) ask her if the Krim tragedy made me worry? Talk about not respecting me! At least you are not dependent on this drunk DH for your livelihood. After the fact I wished I had asked him if the Andrea Yates case made him nervous. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 12:18 AM Flag
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That's awful. What an insensitive jerk. :( [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 12:57 AM Flag
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Weird. Maybe he was just curious. I'm a SAHM, my oldest will start kindergarden in sept. no one has ever asked me what my plans are. Most women stay home until the kids are much older. There are a million things to do to run a household, take care of the kids, and do things for yourself. My kids will be gone 5.5 hours a day when they're in school, along with there way too many days off. Don't need I explain to anyone [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 03:08 AM Flag
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^^The way too many days [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 03:12 AM Flag
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So what SHOULD his next question have been. I think he was trying to make conversation and you gave him no hook. Then when you got all sanct, he decided to hassle you for fun. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 04:55 AM Flag
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How did op get all sancti on him? Were you there? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 05:45 AM Flag
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What are you planing to do when your kids start school ? Just stay at home watching tv ? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 05:45 AM Flag
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Np- seriously? I clean, do laundry, buy food and cook it, then get the kids at 3 and start schlepping them around to activities. Oh and I exercise so that my husband wants to sleep with me instead of some skank. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 09:39 PM Flag
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yes. because when you stay at home, you just sit at home and watch tv all day. didn't you know that? yeah this sahm gig is awesome and so easy!!! what? i would hate to be your nanny or child's teacher! you clearly don't pay any attention to your own children, nor do you know what goes into raising them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.22.13, 12:05 AM Flag
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70% of all women with children are in the paid workforce. He probably didn't know what to say to you or how to talk to you. This isn't a snub, this is just someone who doesn't have a very wide social circle which includes a lot of SAHMs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 07:36 PM Flag
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np - this number sounds way suspicious to me, since the labor force participation rate as a whole is what, 58% or so now? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 11:51 PM Flag
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^^make that 63.6% per BLS [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 11:52 PM Flag
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it's somebody who doesn't care about his kids or your kids or anyone. selfish drunk loser. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.22.13, 12:03 AM Flag
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this explains why kids are such a mess today. look how these parents feel about parenting. they think it's a job you should only outsource to uneducated, illegal immigrants. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.22.13, 12:03 AM Flag
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