< Return to Talk
01.20.13, 05:42 AM General Topics
152 replies
Have watched so many wonderful couples fall apart after having kids. Last night, after a long and heartfelt discussion (one of many), DH and I finally reached a decision: no DCs. We like our relationship too much to risk changing it! I feel only relief. But now my BF warns me I'll regret it in the long run. Thoughts? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 01.20.13, 05:42 AM Flag
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Great question I wonder the same thing [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:44 AM Flag
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My parents are very different and were happily married for eight years before children. Post children they were miserable / fought all the time / has different philosophies about how to raise us. They ended up divorced, and I tend to think they weren't right for each others although it's hard to say maybe they would have stayed happy without kids but I tend to think there problems were more along the lines of fundamental differences that came out with children. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:46 AM Flag
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have a ton of friends, i'd say, young GenX, opting out of having kids. for them it's mostly an economic decision it seems. maybe a combination of high home prices that hit GenX hard, it's better to rent and they just don't imagine having kids w/out owning or would have to move out if they did and also careers that are too time-demanding to have kids (not a 9-5, traveling...). this though seems to be a story going on in Manhattan only (maybe coastal), bet doesn't happen say, in Ohio. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:47 AM Flag
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I wonder if this is a chicken/egg situation. Maybe they are living in NYC because they are the type to not want kids. I can't imagine not having kids at all purely for economic reasons. Your love for NYC/that lifestyle has to be stronger than the desire for kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:25 PM Flag
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More like Brooklyn and Queens. Younger kids in Manhattan likely ave high earning jobs [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:34 PM Flag
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np - funny, I know a couple in Ohio that fits this mold. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 11:11 PM Flag
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Trust your instincts. Kids are a lifestyle and it's not for everyone. "Not sure" means "no" when it comes to having kids. You need to be 100% committed. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:45 AM Flag
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+1. but they grow fast too. she doesn't need to have more than 1 either. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:47 AM Flag
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Most people who are ambivalent but have kids get committed 100 percent real quick. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:35 PM Flag
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it's becoming so common, and fertility rates keep on dropping, wondering how people believe in pensions/entitlements. aren't enough kids needed to keep up with those systems? i'd say save like there's no tomorrow if you don't have kids, nursing home will be super expensive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:46 AM Flag
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Probably good advice to save even if you have kids. This next gen is not going to have the opportunities (and therefore the $$$) needed to support us. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:50 AM Flag
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so true, doubt we will be able to support the boomers either!!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:52 AM Flag
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Ita. I hope my inlaws don't need us, we can barely manage ourselves [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:57 AM Flag
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we live far away from both sets of parents, so our siblings will step up. they received free childcare and other help in exchange for what they might need going forward. knowing we are off the hook is a relief. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:18 AM Flag
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You're disgusting. Free grandchild care? Off the hook? What about all the free care you got when you were little? Thank goodness you have good siblings. Hope you have kids just like you, have fun rotting in a nursing home, you sick fuck. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:34 PM Flag
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So you're saying to have kids as a retirement strategy?? That's the dumbest reason to have kids I've ever heard. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:49 AM Flag
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not a reason dummy! often find that couples without kids instead of saving what they wouldn't spend on kids squander it and end up w/out any retirement, even though they will have to outsource every single care when old. both with and w/out kids will need retirement savings now that entitlements are unaffordable, but even more so those w/out any kids that will need to hire help even for the most basic needs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:53 AM Flag
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Thats the ONLY reason people have kids in most of the world, and for most of all time. Its only recently that we in rich countries have decided we want kids to love and educate them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 12:41 PM Flag
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Do you honestly think that most families in the U.S. take care of their elderly relatives at home? They don't. Only the very poor and the very good do this. Most unfortunately, it has become part of our culture to hide the elderly and the ill, and people don't know how to take care of those who most need it. Having children does not mean that you will have care when you need it. That's a ridiculous expectation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:36 AM Flag
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read above [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:50 AM Flag
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You know, with 7 billion people in the world, I really don't think anyone who doesn't want to reproduce should feel the slightest pressure to do so. Yes, we should all save -- those of us with and without children. I see more and more parents financially supporting their adult children these days, but I don't see that as a reason not to have kids if you want to do it. I just don't follow your logic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:07 AM Flag
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Don't bother saving. Once you burn through your savings, the government will pick up the tab. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:48 PM Flag
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Did you discuss it before you got married? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:48 AM Flag
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Yes. He said he'd go with whatever I wanted, he was fine either way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:54 AM Flag
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How old are both of you? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:53 AM Flag
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I'm 35, he's 36. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:54 AM Flag
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you could avoid having kids, if you regret if when in your late 40s, early 50s, you could adopt. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:54 AM Flag
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I see. Is he the one who doesn't want kids? I would worry about dh being 45 and deciding he wants kids, Kwim? He can have kids at any age, you can not. Be sure both of you 100% agree. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:56 AM Flag
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OP: this concern has passed through my mind. He would be a great dad but he swears up and down that he really is fine either way. And while I desperately wanted kids in my early 20s, the urge passed, I just don't feel it anymore (especially after seeing up close how the stress of having kids has destroyed so many amazing marriages). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:00 AM Flag
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imho if kids caused so much stress, unless there are severe special needs, those marriages weren't that strong in reality. they were putting a great front. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:12 AM Flag
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OP: I'm willing to believe that! But it seems to me that having kids is bound to change a relationship. I mean, at the very least, it alters your hormonal balance, exhausts both you and your DH, and gives you both a HUGE new (full-time job) set of concerns. You know? I surf Urbanbaby a lot but I never read about anyone saying that having a baby brought her CLOSER to her spouse. This is what's on my mind... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:13 AM Flag
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i know exactly what you mean. i even know moms who decided on only having 1 to avoid bringing stress to the relationship. it's stressful, juggling 2 stressful careers at the same time is not optimal. that said, the tough part are the first 3 years. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:19 AM Flag
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Really? I know several, including myself. np [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:43 AM Flag
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I'd love to hear more stories like yours, I think a lot of my attitude/decisions are BECAUSE I don't hear stories from women who say, "Yeah, a baby brought us even closer, made our marriage even stronger," etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:53 AM Flag
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I had my first at age 36, second at age 38, not really because I wanted kids but because I thought if I ever wanted them, this was the time. To each his/her own. They have made us a family and I couldn't imagine life without them. I was more ready that I knew. -signed very happy single person before kids, and now very happy family of four. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:50 AM Flag
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Ditto. Didn't really feel that maternal instinct, but I thought it was now or never at 35. Best decision of my life to have kids. I had no idea what I was missing. My life is just so much more alive in so many ways. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:21 PM Flag
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+1. More fun, more depth to life. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:46 PM Flag
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+2. New wonderful experience I had no idea existed before I had my baby. Thought my life was full before, was afraid that the baby will mess it up. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:31 PM Flag
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this [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 08:20 PM Flag
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I didn't want kids until I met DH at age 37. Then with him, I wanted kids. We had a DS, whom I love dearly, because he is my DH's son. He's more of my DH to love, and I can see both of us reflected in him. I love the way DS helps me see and appreciate DH in new ways every day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 08:45 AM Flag
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I definitely feel this way. DH and I decided (we thought) not to have kids...I never felt "the urge" and we were so happy, didn't want to mess it up. At some point we changed our minds (he did first) and had ds at age 35 after being together for about 5 years. To be honest I was excited but never truly felt certain it was the right decision until ds was here. I think waiting was great for us...we enjoy reminiscing about all the fun things we did before but don't miss it in a negative way. We are still just as much in love as ever and although things are not perfect (sex life took a hit) we're really happy. Seeing what an amazing dad he is makes me love him beyond what I though possible. Ds is 2.5 and we're ttc again. Having kids truly does make us feel closer, parenting together is just an amazing experience and I can't even think about what we would have missed out on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:13 PM Flag
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OP: What a lovely story. Thanks for sharing it, put a big smile on my face! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 09:15 PM Flag
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+2 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 11:11 PM Flag
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Having children might have saved our marriage (although I do NOT reccommend doing it for that reason) because dh ecame a more mature and responsible partner in raising ds than he had been as a dh. I think that having children (or not) is a deeply personal decision, and is (if I was honest) a total crapshoot if it will enrich or detract from your life. I have friends who decided against kids and are happy, those who never got married (generally unhappy) those who had the # kids they wanted (mixed bag happy) and those who are unable to have the # they wanted (mixed bag happy). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 10:40 AM Flag
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I just wanted to tell you that having kids brought DH and I closer together. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 11:44 AM Flag
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I disagree - my dd is only 7 months so who knows if I will still feel like this an a few years, but I feel like she has brought me and my husband closer. Raising a child with someone is amazing and there is no other experience like it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 12:57 PM Flag
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Same thing here, just glad somebody else feels the same as me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:36 PM Flag
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Having kids has completely changed our marriage, in negative ways. I would still make the same choices I made, but I am one of those people who can say that my marriage was been severely tested and revealed to be pretty damn challenging. We started marriage counseling when oldest dc was 14 mos. That dc turns 10 yo this week and we are still seeing the same marriage counselor, 2x/mos (we both love her). That is how we have gotten through these 9-10 years. We are still married, but I would definitely NOT say having kids has brought us closer. The experience has revealed fault lines and deficits in each other that we have had to confront and deal with. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 01:00 PM Flag
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Do you really think you'd be happily married now if you hadn't had kids? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:23 PM Flag
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Having a baby brought us closer together. We had a very close relationship of 10 years (since college) prior to his birth. Taking care of him was stressful and presented us with a new set of challenges, but didn't affect our relationship in a negative way. After his birth I had this wonderful feeling of shared happy bliss with his dad, and it is still enough to look at his smiling face to stop hating each other when we quarrel. I realise it all sounds kind of cheesy, but that's just how it is. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:30 PM Flag
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raising a kid together makes marriage a true, unbreakable bond [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:54 PM Flag
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Something to protect against this is to do an ivf procedure w/o implanation. Then you have what you need to start a family (w/ fewer genetic risks) in 10 yrs. A df of mine wanted to do this (but is too deeply catholic) and we discussed it for days. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 10:40 AM Flag
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having kids older than that increase chances of special needs a lot, make sure he's aware of that [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:07 AM Flag
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I love my DH but that love is nothing compared to how much I love DC. It's a love like nothing you will ever experience. I don't get when someone puts a guy or a relationship with a guy over a kid. My kid would win hands down ever single time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:00 AM Flag
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On the flip side, OP, this is exactly what I fear about having kids. I don't want to love anyone more than I love DH. My God, what a nightmare, I'd be constantly thinking about them, preoccupied to the extreme, worried whenever they left the house to go to points unknown. I like having my own mental space, and with DCs, this wouldn't be possible. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:10 AM Flag
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so true! my mental space was mine, deep, i craved intellectual stimulation... now, not so much! my brain got rewired somehow into dealing with kiddo related stuff, it will pass though, kids grow fast. most def though, do NOT have several kids with a big space in between. sounds like you can handle having 1 kid, just not say, 3. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:14 AM Flag
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I feel I didn't even know what love was until I had my first child. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:54 PM Flag
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I'm glad I'm not married to you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:38 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:55 PM Flag
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I get this but don't feel the same way personally. Maybe there is something wrong with me but I can't honestly say I love dc "more" than dh...I can't imagine life without either of them and having dc has definitely made me love dh even more than before. I do feel more protective about dc because he obviously can't take care of himself and needs me in a different way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:25 PM Flag
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What if you wind up divorced and alone with nothing but your cats to keep you company in your old age? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:24 AM Flag
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a 55 year old friend of mine is an only child who was brought to this world to "make company" to his parents. he's been doing therapy for decades now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:25 AM Flag
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Are you counting on your kids to keep you company? That's not the world we live in, sweetheart. Do you live close to your parents? If so, you're in the minority on this board... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:28 AM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:34 AM Flag
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our siblings who stayed close by did so cause they've got free housing from them. if you marry after your siblings, chances are you don't get free housing, hence there's no cost of opportunity to leave to greener pastures. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:38 AM Flag
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the dynamics, the activities all change when kids are in the picture. but that doesn't mean that the marriages are in trouble. do you mean they got divorced? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:28 AM Flag
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I mean that several of our couples friends became terse with each other in public in ways I'd never seen before they had kids, and now are a) sexless and b) very unhappy (according to the wives' private admissions) or, yes, are separating or divorced. This isn't everyone, of course, but it's five couples, which is a lot! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:33 AM Flag
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surreal, are those all double-income with tough jobs? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:40 AM Flag
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Not sure what you mean by tough, but long hours, definitely - finance, law, for the most part. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:50 AM Flag
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yep, the stress is from the time demands. if you both are set on keeping time-demanding careers, i'd say NO to kids. they demand quantity of time, not only quality. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:04 AM Flag
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5!? You had a long, soul-searching discussion over 5 couples? That means that most of the couples you know have not experienced this ruinous effect on their relationship. I am assuming you know at least 11 couples, which would be weird if you didn't. That tells me that you probably just don't WANT children, which is fine, too. You probably shouldn't have them then. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:46 AM Flag
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How many couples are you really close to?!? Five seems like a pretty large number to have as "friends" to me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:48 AM Flag
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Had dinner the other night with 6 women (I made 7), all of whom would feel comfortable talking about their marriages and motherhood and did. One is divorced, but it would have happened with or w/o kids. I think the kids actually slowed down the process a bit. The others are all happily married and love being mothers. I know at least 10 other women in the same boat, AT LEAST, plus parents, plus in-laws, plus siblings. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:58 AM Flag
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Sure, I know at least 11 couples, but I don't know all of them well enough to be apprised of the intimate state of their marriages. Of the handful of married mothers I *am* close to, most of them are desperately unhappy. That isn't to say you're wrong, though, I used to want kids in my early 20s but these days, as I said elsewhere, I could go either way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:51 AM Flag
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and it's not cause right now it totally sucks to work in finance and law? those 2 have not a whole lot of stability [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:03 AM Flag
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I posted above and you asked about my story. I'm not trying to insult you, but you sound younger than 35. I'm not trying to convince you to have kids, either. On the contrary, I think you should listen to your gut. I'm just surprised by your "research" sample and wanted you to know that DH and I have both said that having children has solidified our relationship even more. Our kids are so much a part of both of us. We couldn't imagine breaking up the team. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:08 AM Flag
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np: What the OP described is exactly what happened to my marriage after kids. You are trying to ridicule the OP, but I don't think she is as "out there" as you're trying to make her out to be. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 12:55 PM Flag
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Not following you. There is no hint of ridicule. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:27 PM Flag
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That is what happened to our marriage after kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 12:54 PM Flag
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Yeah. Why are you hanging out on UB? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:35 AM Flag
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New to UB, are you? There are a ton of posters here who don't have kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:41 AM Flag
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But on a Saturday night, if she's so happy with DH? And no kids? Curious.... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:45 AM Flag
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OP: We're not exactly night owls, even though we're happy. :) Actually, he's coming down with something, so he stayed in/went to bed early while I went out to dinner with the BF (which is how these thoughts started playing on my mind - long discussion over dinner). Now off to bed with me! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:50 AM Flag
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I'm happy for you! Hope DH feels better. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:06 AM Flag
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I was very happy pre-kids. But as someone who is not religious, I feel that my kids supply a level of meaning to my life and connection to generations past and present I would not have experienced otherwise. For me personally, my life would not have been as emotionally rich or again as meaningful if I had not had children. I find this reflected in ways big and small. A small way: my son smiles sometimes in a way that is just how my grandfather smiled -- but I had forgotten that specific look of my grandfather's until seeing it again in my son. That jolt of memory and love is priceless. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:08 AM Flag
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DH here: I totally agree! The moment when our first dc was born is seared in my memory. DW was pushing and screaming and I couldn't do more than hold her hand. I suddenly realized that I was witnessing a human being being born and felt a deep connection with humankind. I also felt that my son being born was in direct relation to my own death and it was a very peaceful thought. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 08:40 AM Flag
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^^^Also, having kids made me understand things about myself as the child of my parents. I understood things about my father by watching myself with my kids. I was very lucky to realize that my dad had not done a very good job and that I was repeating the same mistakes. It was a true liberation that affected all areas of my life and my personality (not just being a father). I truly think that my kids helped me become a better person and a better husband. But I agree, it could have gone in the opposite direction if I had not had this "moment of truth". I was on my way to become an a-hole and being a dad was making it worse. My point is that kids are the biggest unknown that you can think of and you must be ready to put everything in question at any time, including who you think you are, how you related to others... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 08:49 AM Flag
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np: You are very insightful. The connection you made between birth and death was very powerful for me, also. When my father died 18 mos ago, I was so much more comfortable with death than when my mother had died before my kids were born. (Other factors made it easier as well) At the moment of my father's death, I experienced that same type of connection that you describe ... which is so hard to put into words. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 12:53 PM Flag
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As a woman this post makes me vaguely uneasy. She is screaming in pain, you are having philosophical insights about yourself and the child being pushed out. You are full of yourself and I wouldn't want you next to me when I am in any kind of predicament. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:41 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:58 PM Flag
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How did you come to UB if you haven't had a baby at some point? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:35 AM Flag
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np You all really don't realize how bizarre and generally entertaining you are? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 01:46 PM Flag
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Self-awareness may not be our strength. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:43 PM Flag
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Having kids brings a new level of devotion to a good marriage. It's amazing to watch your partner raising a child and doing it well. But it's not for everyone. You will know if the time ever come :) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 10:03 AM Flag
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btw I have never been alone with just my husband (in our marriage), he brought kids into our marriage and so did I, then we had some together. We make sure to have alone time and have not forgotten who we are as people, not just parents. We fit, so whatever came with that fit too. Sometimes having children can cause adults to regress and to realize they are not capable of truly being a parent, this happened with my ex. But ykw? I am so much better off with a person who shared my view of family. It just sucked at the time (divorce), but now I am better for it as are our kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 10:07 AM Flag
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+1000 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:25 PM Flag
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thanks! :) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 02:43 AM Flag
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Let my relationship fall apart. Love comes and goes. Children are an unconditional sort of love you never stop loving, unless you have personality issues. But it's not for everyone and if you're relieved maybe it's not for you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 10:43 AM Flag
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If you're both on the same page, don't do it. There is a big risk that you will regret it later, but you could also be just fine. I just hope one of you never gets sick well before the other one. Kids will be the only thing you have left to comfort and go through it with you. On the other hand, you could be disinterested, ambivalent parents who worry all the time about whether you are happy or not and resent your sacrifices, and your kids might hate you. Roll the dice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 10:54 AM Flag
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you will both miss out on one of the most fulfilling experiences human beings can have [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 10:57 AM Flag
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you'll regret it in the long run but you can also change your mind later [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 12:59 PM Flag
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Why are you asking this question on this site???? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 12:59 PM Flag
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Who better to ask than mothers?? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 03:52 AM Flag
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you still have time...good chance by the time you are late 30's everyone you know will have kids and you will feel excluded. Can still have baby then. It amazing how much of life actually revolves around children...this was us. On the fence for a long time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 01:53 PM Flag
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I waited to have a child until mid forties, I was terrified either way and came from a big family, loved my work etc. Since I rolled the dice by waiting I realized it might no work out for me. But it did, I have one DD and am thrilled. I am pretty easy going and laid back which I attribute to my age and life experience. My DD is doing great, we are secure in who we are and all is well. I knew I would regret not trying to get pregnant not sure if adoption would have come up for us. I took it step at a time. You will find you way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:01 PM Flag
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excuse typo's, might not work out [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:02 PM Flag
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Let me add, I wouldn't suggest someone wait like I did... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:30 PM Flag
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Do what your gut tells you. I was ambivalent about kids, but just decided to do it at 35 and now I wish I had started earlier so I could have had more. Your feelings about love and marriage do change when you've had children. The love you feel for a child is so strong that it may trump the love you feel for your spouse as it does in my case. My spouse probably feels the same way. However, it doesn't really affect our marriage much. We are as committed as we ever were, but very distracted with the responsibility of kids. As they get older, it is less and less. Just make sure not having kids is something you won't regret later in life. If you can come to terms with that, you will be fine. A few of my father's close friends married but did not have kids, and it is devastating when their spouse dies. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:16 PM Flag
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you are a fool and will regret it. Your children will be a much more important part of your life and legacy than your husband. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:23 PM Flag
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+1, signed ambivalent until she had kids mom (and who had no idea what she was thinking pre-kids) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:53 PM Flag
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I don't know about this, OP. There are other ways to make a legacy than to have kids. The women who failed to find those ways are the ones who will be the most adamant that having kids is the only thing that gives your life meaning. My advice is to ignore them. You can live a happy, meaningful life either way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:21 PM Flag
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You should definitely not have kids because it is obvious that you and your dh are incredibly self-absorbed and co-dependent. That said, I do wish people who don't have dc would find another board to troll. I have been on UB for a long time and only in the past few years has it been overrun with people who come here with their negative opinions about us "breeders." Especially since it is anonymous and you can pose as parents and skew the discussion in an unnatural way. It's very frustrating. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 03:57 PM Flag
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I'm a parent but I'd still say you're judging her a lot more harshly than she seems to be judging us. She's hardly "trolling." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:22 PM Flag
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Don't put on her negative stuff from other people. She expressed true emotions that many of us, including me, have felt. Dh and I seriously sonsidered having none and there's nothing wrong with it. Just because you chose differently, doesn't make her self asorbed. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:53 PM Flag
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Wow, I certainly didn't mean to troll! I guess I thought that this board, which is anonymous (and therefore, I'd assume, largely honest) and also full of WOHM moms, would be a great place to ask this sort of question, because most of you have been through exactly the kind of transition I'm wondering about. I'm so sorry to have touched a nerve, I really did not mean to offend! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:27 PM Flag
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Or: If that's the case then, no worries. Just please don't feel welcome here to judge the rest of us hereafter. It's great for you that you have convinced yourself that your dh is worth the chance that you will never want children, but for you (and I mean this as the collective yous out there who do this, not you specifically) to come here on a regular basis and bash our parenting when you have no idea what you are talking about while pretending that you do is beyond annoying. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:15 PM Flag
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You shouldn't date someone for long with whom you could not raise children. It reflects poorly on both of you. Are you selfish, inflexible? Why would your relationship falter? Most couples who fall apart after kids are weak couples to begin with, and had a relationship anchored on viewing each other as "playmates / best friends" or some such teenage romance hogwash. Unconditionally loving other humans - for example, your children - is a much better test of your decency and maturity then wondering if you could handle the "stres" of having to do so much work and cooperation with your spouse. Pathetic. Real people don't have the luxury of such puerile introspection. They just get on with life. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:00 PM Flag
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Wow, you're a jerk. Why does everyone need to have kids to be fulfilled? It doesn't make you selfish or inflexible. It doesn't mean your life is devoid of meaning. You're the one who can't imagine a life beyond her own bubble. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:24 PM Flag
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OR - I used to feel the same way til I had a son. The feelings dwarf all other feelings I have ever felt. If you care about yourself, you should have children. If you are a better woman than I, you should adopt. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 12:04 AM Flag
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She's married to him. And decided not to have kids. Anyone who has kids without talking/thinking about it deeply is immature. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:53 PM Flag
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Blah blah. Several thousand years of human history vs. your life in the NYC spinster bubble? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 12:06 AM Flag
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She's married. By definition, a spinster is NOT married. You seem curiously angry (not to mention, confused). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 03:53 AM Flag
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You guys sound foolish and self-absorbed, but here is some practical advice my selfish friends who can't handle being responsible adults have followed: get some eggs / sperm / embryos frozen. At least 5 viable embryos. May take a few cycles. But do it. That way you can waffle in self-absorption ("gosh, how hard it must be not to be able to just think about ourselves all the time") for a few more years, but be hedged for when you pull your head out of your ass. Lady - there is no greater love than that of parent-child bond. If you avoid that because of the downside that you fail, that's just loser-talk. Do you live in a risk-averse manner, avoiding upside because you are scared you will fail at being a successful pair or parents? If so, shame on you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:12 PM Flag
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there's enough shame in the world already without needing to spread more around [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:22 PM Flag
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OP here: I think you might be mischaracterizing us, I don't think either of us are particularly self-absorbed (is this your general opinion of couples without kids?). But I acknowledge your point that fear is a bad motivator for making decisions with lifelong consequences. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:29 PM Flag
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All I can say, is there is no vacation, no nothing that compares to a child. It's hard to explain because I'm sure you look at someones screaming kid at a restaurant and wonder why anyone would ever want a child, but it's different when it's your child. It's an amazing love that you will never otherwise know. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:37 PM Flag
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It does add stress to a marriage, but at the same time it bonds you. If you have a strong marriage it will only get stronger. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:38 PM Flag
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THIS. Made our good marriage even better. I will never leave this man, never. Also, consider having just 1 child. That's what we did, very happy with our choice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:41 PM Flag
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Yes, we have one too. I grew up as an only child and liked it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 04:45 PM Flag
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OP here: it makes me smile to hear this. I wish I knew or heard from more moms with experiences like yours. Maybe my circle of friends is the real problem here! (Just kidding...kind of.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:30 PM Flag
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Can you afford a nanny? This makes it so much easier and gives you some space to do things you want to do. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 08:03 PM Flag
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Once you have kids, you will realize why childless couples and couples with kids seldom mix, and friendships will evolve in that direction. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 12:07 AM Flag
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Have you always wanted kids and are decided just now you don't want them because the changes that your relationship will go through? If so, then you might regret it. But if you've always been on the fence, then it might be a wise choice. There are ways to work with children and volunteer without having them. Or you can get a couple dogs. :) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 05:20 PM Flag
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I think you sound really wise. We tend to make friends with people like ourselves. If your friends are miserable after going down that road, it sounds like it'd be a terrible road for you. The fact that you feel only relief indicates that it's the right decision. Ignore your BF. If you really do regret it you can adopt at 55. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:00 PM Flag
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no, there's an age cut off for adoption [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:22 PM Flag
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Do *you* want kids? Deep down, is this what you want? DH and I have a 3 month old. Not going to lie -- it is hard. We both work and are exhausted, which makes us snap at each other just about once every day. And sex is almost non-existent. But I've never been as happy, contented or fulfilled. Watching DH and DB together is pure happiness. Watching DB play or coo and now bat at toys is amazing. Having kids is both the most selfish and altruistic thing one can do. If you're on the fence, give it a few months then revisit the topic. But don't be swayed by others. Your relationship and wants are your own. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 06:01 PM Flag
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+1 - this is me and DH too. We have a 2 year old and are constantly snapping at one another due to long work hours, money issues and the balance of taking care of 1 child. There are times I do not like him very much and we go months not having sex. That being said, we do communicate and acknowledge what's happening and want to remain married,knowing this is temporary. Not every day of marriage or life will be a happy time. We are committed to get through this together and know it will be easier. Also as other posters have said - having a child reveals a lot about the individual. My anxities are full-throttle and I have really had to get help because am so worried about my child. I think take it slow and re-assess the situation in a year. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:05 PM Flag
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One kid can be manageable. If well-behaved, you can still travel/fly, go to restaurants, whatever. But I think a lot of people don't focus enough on maintaining a strong marriage, and allow kids or career and other things to distract their attention. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:01 PM Flag
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Yes, DH and I decided on one child because we wanted to travel, go out to dinner, etc. One is very manageable, and I am not a super organized focused person! I adore my dd. You just can't explain the joy of a child. I think it's when people have 2-3 is when it gets REALLY stressful. Just my opinion. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 08:01 PM Flag
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It is what you make it. I think it is key to have a solid, strong marriage built on a genuine friendship before having kids. If you have this, and the desire to maintain that bond, you both will be more willing to put in the work after a child comes along. Children make it everything harder for sure, especially marriage. But I feel it has given me such a deep bond and understanding of my dh. He is the father of my children, we are raising a human being together, a little person that is the strongest symbol of human love possible. I wanted to have a dc with him because I was so in love with him. Sure we snap at each other more these days, sex gets put on the back burner (temporarily), and your priorities change. We don't lounge i bed reading the paper, go for a stroll, and go eat wherever and whenever we want. Our life is different, but NOT worse. I think if you can get through the first few years of having a newborn and toddler, it only gets more fun. I definitely miss my pre baby days, but now know how unfulfilled I would have been if I did not do this. If you love your dh, and know you guys are strong and will continue to communicate and put effort into one another kids won't damage you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 07:43 PM Flag
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My dh and I have teen dc and are still a "wonderful couple" and are better people, I think, because of raising dc. There were a few years at the beginning that were tough, don't get me wrong, but we had a very strong foundation and were best friends first and foremost and we got through it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 08:00 PM Flag
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Only one, huh? Wonder if there's a pattern here! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 09:19 PM Flag
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(I mean, that I and others who have strong happy marriages stopped at 1 DC.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 09:19 PM Flag
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OR: No, I have 2dc (children) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 09:43 PM Flag
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I was ambivalent about kids. Then got married at 37, had child at 38. I am surprised by how much I enjoy being a mother. But it constantly surprises me that I enjoy it. It really is a lifestyle change and I wonder if it coincided with me finding out that I didn't have the drive or desire to succeed at my career (still working in a variant of my track but my old focus required a lot of international travel) i completely understand and respect making a childless choice. i think it's much less selfish than having kids and having someone else raise them while you work on career glory (nothing against working parents. i am one) but the people in my old career who have kids seem selfish to me: you decided to make the kid, you should raise it, not jet off cause that's where the "big story" is. also, stopped deliberately at one (never tried for another) we three are very, very happy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 10:13 PM Flag
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The first few years are tough and then it's all worth it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.20.13, 10:22 PM Flag
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I waited until 36 to have kids. Focused on career, marriage-building, travel, etc. Mother passed away last year, only had 2 years with her grandson. If I hadn't been so selfish, she would have had years with him. If you think you would enjoy kids or a kid, do not wait. And do not avoid it out of fear of failure - that is completely lame. Stop thinking and go for it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 12:15 AM Flag
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It isn't natural to not want children if you're in a happy relationship. It's overwrought and overthought. Who are all these wonderful couple you claim to know who fell apart after having kids - and who is to say that the kids were the cause? Anyway, to each her own, but you asked. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 12:22 AM Flag
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oh please [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 03:22 AM Flag
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Just keep talking about it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 12:41 AM Flag
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I kid is doable. No kids is great. But why post if you are sure? Maybe you're the type of good people who cannot deal with more than one? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 01:37 AM Flag
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FWIW, I used think I didn't wanted to have kids, because I thought it would ruin my relationship with DH (and ruin my career and independence and most other things I valued in life). Now I have a 1 year old DD and she is the most amazing thing in my life, and has only made DH and I closer. My career path, on the other hand, she has drastically changed for the worse....but definitely not my marriage. But I disagree with people who say that 'not sure' means 'no' when it comes to having kids - I was always not sure but now I am amazed at how much more full my life is and how much happier I am with my dd. IMO, women who are so sure they want to have kids are just women who haven't thought it through clearly enough, because it should be a really tough decision. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 01.21.13, 02:40 AM Flag
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