Buying Her A Vibrator

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"I’m just weirded out by all this and just annoyed that she’s changing."

Should cheaters be forgiven?

Dear Doc Chaves,

I wanted to ask your opinion on the whole Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart cheating scandal. She’s obviously cheated on him. Should he forgive her or move on? A lot of us guys are stuck with that question. Do we stay or go? What would you do?

-Anonymous

Good question. Way to set me up with a 50/50 where half of you will like what I say and the other half will hate it. But that in itself is the answer. It’s a split decision. For cheating, there is no universal way to handle it. All cheating situations are different and each person in the relationship has different levels of forgiveness, resilience and investment. Most of us who have been in a cheating relationship know that feelings and emotions block rational thought and many times our pain fuels the words we say, the emotions we feel and the decisions we make. For every guy out there, we need to weigh the pros and cons in the relationship, look within ourselves to see if we can forgive completely and decide if working through these feelings is worth the long-term payoff.

Right out of college I was cheated on, and it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced. Never have I felt so hurt, angry, insecure, and depressed. This was before all the therapy training and sexuality education, which means I had less insight and understanding of how to work through this. Part of my recovery was also looking at my part in the cheating. I could blame her till the cows came home, but what would that do besides fuel my anger? It’s no secret that it takes two to tango and cheating, unhappiness and breakups involve responsibility to some degree on both sides. Did I show her enough love? Did I support her emotionally? Was I selfish or not consider her needs? What was my contribution and how can I be better for the future, whether it’s with the current partner or another? Learn from all experience and grow from it.

With this ex, I decided to give her another chance and forgot one minor detail -- she had cheated on five boyfriends before me. Yeah, I missed that red flag. I conveniently forgot that history often repeats itself. But I’ll never miss that one again. Since my nature is a forgiving one, I’m certain I’d give someone a second chance. Then again, I can do open relationships and nonmonogamy. (Note to future partner: No need to cheat, dear).

Back to the famous couple. I respect the way R-Patz is handling all of this. He has remained private, hasn’t publically blasted her and is being a true gentleman. Most of us would be raising hell and looking to gain leverage and sympathy. Of course he has his private moments of pain and anger, but he’s keeping his composure publically and not trashing her. That’s a lot of self-respect in my book. I feel for this couple. At least when the general public goes through this, we don’t have our hearts blasted on TMZ. Then again, a lot of us remain connected to exes on Facebook and Twitter, and that can be its own painful reminder and self-sabotage. Maybe I’m a sucker for love, but I’m pulling for them to work it out. How often do we find love in life? A few times? And it’s even rarer the one we love returns the favor. It’s something definitely worth fighting for in my book.

What does she mean by anal play?

My wife has been reading a bunch of articles on sex from different magazines (probably from AskMen too) and has now gotten into her head that we should do “anal play.” There’s no way in hell I’m doing that. It’s exit only for me in that area. I’m just weirded out by all this and just annoyed that she’s changing.

-Anonymous

Yes, since anal August is coming to a close, we have to include these anal questions. What do you mean by anal play? Based on your response and “exit only” thought, my guess is you think she wants to put on a strap on and peg you. While it may be her intention, I’m wondering if she wants to explore the backdoor a little differently. When I use the term anal play, it’s a broad umbrella term for a number of anal behaviors, not just penetration. Analingus (mouth-anus contact), butt cheek massages, toy or manual/finger-on-anus massages can all be external and pleasurable. We know there are loads of nerve endings in the anus and many men report it feels good to have their anus stimulated. Also, did your wife express that only you were to receive? Find out if she wants to receive some anal pleasure and what type. You may be projecting all your discomfort of anal play onto yourself as the receiver, and maybe she wants in on the action. Who knows -- maybe she wants all the action.

Sometimes stats help ease the fears. A study by McBride et. al. found that 51% of men and 43% of women had participated in at least one act of oral-anal sex, manual-anal sex, or anal sex toy play. More than half of men play with the backdoor. Maybe men aren’t advertising on their Facebook status that they just got rimmed or stuck a butt plug in their girlfriend’s rectum, but it’s happening, folks. Learn to adapt and try things out before you decide you like them or not.

Think of all the things in life we learned to like after a rocky start. I remember trying my first beer as a kid. It didn’t taste very good then, but today I’m drooling with anticipation over a happy hour pint by 2 p.m. Sushi. How many of you started out nibbling a California roll with skeptical hesitation and today ordering sashimi like it’s your full-time job? The point is, you gave it a chance and found out you liked it. The same goes for sex and pleasure. There just might be some sushi and a cold beer waiting for you if you give anal play a chance. Next Page >>