5 Secrets Of Long-Distance Relationships

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Women's magazines slip us the kind of information that we wouldn't find elsewhere; they reveal a female perspective that most men just aren't privy to. How they read into our behavior, how they perceive our actions, what their true expectations are... there's plenty to be learned from a glimpse into the other side.

AskMen.com will be providing you with just this kind of gender intelligence -- without the embarrassment that comes with retrieving it from your girlfriend's magazine rack. We'll be publishing a series of features from iVillage.com; articles originally written by women for women, but with insight that's invaluable to men. Of course, in exchange, we had to offer up some intelligence of our own... all the more reason for you to get on the inside track as soon as you can.

long-distance loving

Men and women have an equally hard time dealing with the separation that’s involved in a long-distance relationship. The reality of only seeing your cross-country love once every few months can take its toll on anyone. That’s why iVillage.com is offering AskMen.com readers insight into how some couples have approached setting the boundaries for a successful long-distance relationship. See if you like their tips, and perhaps implement them into your own foreign fling.

dealing with distance

You'd have to be a serious commitment-phobe to choose to live hundreds -- or even thousands -- of miles away from the man you love. But sometimes it's just not up to you. Career, school and family are just a few of the factors that keep lovers whispering sweet nothings into phones instead of each other's ears. But if you think a relationship is doomed because of distance, think again. According to stats compiled by the Center for the Study of Long-Distance Relationships (yes, there really is such a thing), the myth that most long-distance relationships fail is just that: a myth. The reality is that more couples are making it work than you might think. Over one million couples are living in separate U.S. cities today, and another 700,000 LDR couples are actually married. So how do you stay close (and get even closer) when you're so far apart? It's not simple, but it's not impossible -- and these five tips can help.

1- Be clear about expectations up front

Don't wing it; plan ahead. According to Dr. Greg Guldner, director of the Center for the Study of Long-Distance Relationships and author of Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide, the difference between LDR couples who make it and ones who don't can be summed up in two words: ground rules. Dr. Guldner explains that nearly 70% of LDR couples who didn't anticipate changes -- or talk through their game plan for dealing with them -- broke up within six months. The most important point, of course, is, are we monogamous?

Sarah Davidson, a 32-year-old interior designer, and her boyfriend, Tom, had been dating for only six months when he got a fabulous promotion in San Francisco that paid $10,000 more than his old job. The catch: They lived in New York. Sarah recalls, "I was devastated when he gave me the news, but Tom insisted he wanted us to stay together. I knew he was committed to making it work when he suggested we actually write out rules for our relationship. These included: no nookie while apart, a call or e-mail at least once a day, see each other at least once every two months." The rules worked. Now the two are seeing even more of each other, since they're married and both living on the west coast.

2- Express yourself

Even couples sharing the same zip code frequently have trouble telling each other how they feel. So imagine how much harder it is for lovers who can't use the power of touch to stay connected. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages for Singles, says, "It's important to figure out how to make your long-distance partner feel cherished. This can be done with words. For example, 'If I were with you, I'd give you a big kiss.'" The relationship expert adds, "Share the day-to-day events going on in each other's lives. This is all geared to staying so close that when you do get together you won't have that awkward transition period where you feel like strangers."

New York PR account coordinator Kathleen Deegan and her fiance, Gene, have been challenged to stay close while he's been away at grad school in Maryland. Kathleen, 22, shares, "We've found that writing old-fashioned snail mail brings out our creative romantic juices." She's got the right idea. Research shows the pen is mightier than the phone when it comes to LDRs; letter-writing couples have almost twice the chance of staying together compared with couples who never write. Kathleen and Gene go well beyond scribbling down a few lines. "Sometimes we clip cute articles from the paper to include, or funny song lyrics, and we even try our hand at poetry." Kathleen finishes, "I always go to my mailbox with anticipation." Of course, the e-mail inbox works too.

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