Sorry, Guys: I Have Dibs

Psssssh. You and you people calling Dibs on everything. Why call Dibs on things when you can just eat them? I mean, come on, it may look enticing, all of the sexiness, no actual commitment. But by doing this, you’re only tasting the the bland chocolatey wrapper sprinkled with nuts instead of the mouthwatering ice cream that lays inside as well. You’re missing out, and deep inside you know it. It pains you, yet you cannot stop. “Why change the way things are when they’re going fine?” you force yourself to believe. It’s a sad sight, and your family pines for your true happiness as these late night calls slowly tear your ability to love apart. However, this gives me my opportunity to tell you why having Dibs is the best way to play Borderlands 2, so I guess I’ll let it slide. Just this once. In the meantime, get your life together; we love you and hope you get well soon.

You Just Got Dumped By Your Partner and Now You’re Really Sad

Life sucks. You just got dumped by your partner who you had been going steady with for 37 years. You decided to wallow in shame by pre-ordering Borderlands 2 and playing with your friends when you get it. That will null the pain and give you closure, you decide. Anxiously you wait, time slowly passing by until its release date. When you finally get it in the mail (you ordered it from amazon.com), you realize you have no friends. You cry into your mailbox, wondering why bad things happen to you. People stare at you with blank eyes as you continue to weep, but you don’t care. Life sucks. You think you have nothing to hold on to, nothing to tell you everything will be alright. And then you remember you won a life long supply of Dibs.
Suddenly, everything is alright. Unicorns spring out of the bushes farting rainbows from the heavens. The clouds also begin to shoot rainbows down from the sky, which slowly pours down onto the children below who eat it like candy. You run back into your house with a new sense of urgency, dashing by three wolves howling at the moon. As you open your refrigerator door, light shimmers through the cracks, illuminating your joyous face. You peer into the open gap of the freezer, looking at the shelves stocked with rows and rows of Dibs. Which flavor should you choose? Mint? Vanilla? No, the choice is obvious. You quickly grab the container with the word “Nestlč Crunch” in big bold letters on the front of the packaging and pry it open with your grubby hands. Inside are delectable little balls of chocolate goodness, and your mouth becomes wetter then your grandmother being caressed by her lover in a bathtub.
You walk into your living room, pop in Borderlands 2 into your favorite console, and sit down on the couch, tub of Dibs in hand. As the title screen boots up, you pick up your tarnished spoon and begin to dig in. The flavor pulses throughout your body and you are the happiest you’ve ever been in your life. You pick up your swelled hands and push the button on the controller to start the game. In the middle of the opening cutscene, you die due to your extreme peanut allergy that you just happened to forget about. It was a good moment you’ll never forget, and you died happily. What more could you ask for?



If You Say Borderlands 2 and Nestle Dibs Crunch Bite Sized Frozen Snacks Value Pack Like They’re One Thing, It Makes You Think of Flavors Your Mind Could Never Have Even Thought Of Before

Borderlands 2.
Nestle Dibs Crunch Bite Sized Frozen Snacks Value Pack.

By themselves, they are only two great things. But to quote my friend Mr. Indie Developer, “Hey, why don’t we put a bunch of things in a bundle and make people buy it so we can buy soup this month?”
So I did put them in a bundle. But not an ordinary bundle, oh no. I went Shin Megami Tensei fusion on this crap and made 100s of different possibilities. I will present two for your viewing pleasure:

Borderlands 2 Nestle Dibs Crunch Bite Sized Frozen Snacks Value Pack.
Nestle Dibs Crunch Bite Sized Frozen Snacks Value Pack Borderlands 2.

*this is the part where your brain explodes from all of the awesome that emits from the almost infinite amount of combinations that you can make from these two delectable things*



It’s Like Finding Loot In Real Life, Except Without All the Hard Parts In Finding Loot

After the government took away all of guns, it made my life substantial harder. I had to leave everyone I love, and go on a journey of solitude away from this post-apocalyptic jail of consumerism and the illuminati. It was the only way I could survive. So I built a shack in the middle of the woods, found some Jimmy Choo shoes in the trash can, and started my new life. After searching so long for supplies and hunting my food in the wilderness one day, I needed the break. While I didn’t want to go back into the real world, I had to. If only for the Dibs. I went down to my closest Piggly Wiggly and quickly walked to the freezer section at my earliest convenience. When I found the Dibs, I was in 7th Heaven. My role was not really important (I just landed the role of an extra), I was just a person who happened to be at the right place at the right time. I even got to shake Stephen Collins’ hand! I quickly checked out after the shoot was wrapped up and went on my Mary Camden way. After getting home, I popped in Borderlands 2 and ate my Dibs. That, my friends, is true bliss.



There Are Only Three Hundred and Fifty Calories In Twenty Six Dibs

After getting off of the Adventurer’s Diet, I needed a way in keeping up my healthy, pro-thin attitudes. I was trying to find a healthy alternative to the Big Mac, and I almost gave up. But then, I found out about Dibs. Did you know there are only 350 calories in 26 Dibs? There are! After switching to the Dibs diet, I am only kind-of fat, and feel great! I can even play Borderlands 2 for extended periods of time without getting hand cramps or feeling tired as well! I recommend switching over to the Dibs diet if you like Dibs.



They Are Dibs

This one pretty much explains itself. All hail the mighty Dibs!



So, yeah. That’s why I’m calling Dibs. You’d be stupid not to. But, ha! You guys are stupid, because none of you had called Dibs yet. Sucks to suck, guys! However, if you guys decide to stop calling Dibs, I might share a little. A little, you hear? Like, only a handful. You should feel grateful that I’m offering you guys anything at all. So, yeah, pledge to stop calling Dibs. You be glad you did, and end up more satisfied in the long run. It only takes that first step.