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Review: James Pond in the Deathly Shallows James Pond 2: Codename Robocod is one of the first games I ever remember playing. By most standards, James Pond was never a great series, but its charmingly unfunny humor and silly gameplay made it quite popular in Britain. When I heard James Pond was coming back, I got quite excited, and I was really looking forward to checking out his mobile resurrection. Then I played it. Now I feel sad.
James Pond in the Deathly Shallows (iOS) James Pond in the Deathly Shallows bears only visual ties to the James Pond games of old. While the original nineties titles were puzzle-platformers, this iOS iteration has more in common with Ecco the Dolphin, rightly recognized as one of the worst games the Genesis ever boasted. Instead of platforming, the titular James Pond swims from left to right, and the player has to tap the screen to keep him afloat. The more one taps, the higher he climbs. He can also fly above water and swim backwards, but that requires an air supply which can be refilled by collecting scuba tanks or swimming through air bubbles. Unfortunately, the game controls horribly, and James takes damage if he so much as glances a rock or piece of land. Deathly Shallows thinks it's fun to navigate tight corridors with a character whose movements are difficult to predict due to the unwieldy tapping mechanic. He also takes damage if he touches the ground while on land, and if he runs out oxygen, he'll stick to that land, grimacing uselessly while his health runs out. This happens all the time, and it's the opposite of fun.
Pond automatically shoots at enemies, although his response times are random. Sometimes it'll take several seconds for him to start shooting, other times he'll do it instantly. Working out whether or not you'll hit an enemy or take damage is a matter of simple guesswork, and it's easier to just forget about enemies and hope for the best. Deathly Shallows looks like a poor Flash game, but even if this was free on a browser, I'd feel robbed in some way. The visuals are cheerful but poorly animated, the music is repetitive and annoying, and above all, it's incredibly short. Length is only padded out by how many cheap, pointless, random deaths you risk suffering. I'd be surprised if the entire game takes more than ten minutes to beat by lucky players who get through it unscathed. Yes, it is only one dollar, but when so many other games provide immeasurably superior iOS experiences for a buck, I can't help but feel cheated by the measly price. In an ideal world, HPN would pay people to download it. It is clear that those behind the game know what a useless waste of time it is, and awkwardly glued the James Pond name to it on order to con fans. It's fairly despicable, and I can't warn fellow lovers of the series to stay as far away from this piece of trash as possible. Sorry to dampen spirits, but this red herring is stuffed to the gills with soggy gameplay and should be condemned to sleep with the fishes. THE VERDICTLegacy Comments (will be imported soon)I remember this shit when I was a kid! Childhood - ruined.
@Llort Nope - it was a straight up platformer. But I did play (and love) Putt Putt as a kid! That was edu-ware - like Number Munchers, SSR, Math Blasters, and Reader Rabbit (not the bastard "new" Reader Rabbit - the old school one). @Apo
Something that didn't resurrect a two decade old franchise and basically shit on it's legacy? Um, basically, anything halfway decent? These games always sucked, yet I enjoyed something about them. What that "something" was, I don't know. I just barely remember playing the original. Might have to go back and see if it was any good or if nostalgia is clouding my memories...
@Magnalon Don't even bother, it's a threadcrapper account. Just check his comment history. Jim Sterling doesn't like Ecco The Dolphin. I guess that means that I have free leave to disregard his opinion on all matters forever more now. weird how the name mixes both James Bond and Harry Potter, i can totally think of a better name...
James Pond: License to Gill c'mon! Why are you so biased against games that aren't fun, Jim?
Videogames are recognized as an art-form now, so they don't always have to be fun. They just have to make you feel something. Disappointment is an emotion and you apparently felt it quite strongly therefore James Pond in the Deathly Shallows is an artistic masterpiece. The deft double movie franchise referencing pun in the title alone should have been evidence enough of this fact. Sincerely though, James Pond was belly up on arrival. The fact that the protagonist's first name is James might have colored your childhood memories of the game into something slightly less dingy and murky. Gutted. After reading yesterday's post about this game I downloaded it without a moments hesitation.
Wasting £0.59 was no big deal. Having a cool childhood game destroyed with a shitty return is a big deal. Adios James Pond, I'm afraid you're going to get flushed down the toilet for being crap. Was I the only one who liked the Ecco game on the Genesis? Come on there must be more fans out there. "apoet001 isn't quite living up to his name"
Well, a- as a prefix can be used as a negation in Greek and Latin, such as asymmetric, so he's not "a poet" but an "apoet", a non-poet. are you reviewing this shit games to bring your average review score somewhere below seven? I dont get what you are doing with these. @Theplayer131
lol. that was actually pretty witty. just a question- was James Pond (1 or 2) on GEN the game where you could stretch out your torso infinitely high? I have some strange childhood memory of that... Well it was fun to be aware that a new James Pond game is existing.
They should make a gritty reboot of this franchise with Daniel Craig. Also, yes, I never played Ecco but thought it was a classic of some sort. I demand a follow-up on this. When you are a critic, there is nothing like shaking up the established canon and introducing obscure gems. @djvlive
It was the second. "James Pond: Operation Robocob". Funny times. @Sat That would be... simply too awesome. Both ideas. "unfunny humor . . . made it quite popular in Britain."
Just like everything that's popular in Britain? Zing. I never played James Pond, but for some reason this reminds me of Treasure Mountain for PC... Did anyone else play that? That game was the BEST!!!!! This is one of the first games I remember avoiding. Keeping in that tradition I shall avoid this too. It looks to me that they came up with the title and then made a game around it; the sort of thing Alan Partridge would pitch in desperation to a game publisher.
It's always James Pond 2 that gets talked about but I remember the third game being genuinely excellent. I do stress remember. Finally, someone speaks the truth about Ecco The Dolphin. That game was shit, is shit, and always will be shit. The reason people remember it fondly is because it's been rereleased a million times, because it was nonviolent and had an interesting concept, because the basic swimming around you did was kinda fun, and because game journalists insist on giving it press and talking about how it was some sort of classic for some reason. The macro-level design of the thing is just a horrendous mess, however, and it's only fun to roam around until you realize nothing fun is occurring. I think it's the first example of the The Path school of game design, where people pop boners for it because it's "innovative", even though it's not enjoyable or anything more than marginally interesting in any way, shape, or form.
To be fair, maybe the sequels were better. God knows I didn't play them. And no, it's not that I hate Genesis games, or that I''ve forgotten how to play 16-bit games, or that I don't understand the historical context in which the game was released, or even that I don't understand the intentions behind the thing. I understand all of that quite well, thank you. Gunstar Heroes and Dynamite Headdy are some of my favorite games of all time, and I am absolutely not opposed to games having a message or being nonviolent. Ecco just wasn't a good game. Double Fine's latest adventure The Cave drops next weekThe Cave publisher Sega has pinned down the release schedule for this new adventure game from the joyful minds at Double Fine Productions. Even though it's coming to several digital distribution services, there thankfully are... more Review: Kinect PartyHey, Television! Check out Double Fine’s latest game for Xbox Live Arcade: Kinect Party. In fun-loving Double Fine fashion, it was released for free upon launch in mid-December until the New Year. For those of you who d... more Pre-orders for Double Fine's The Cave open on SteamWhile the exact release date for The Cave hasn't been nailed down quite yet -- it's "January 2013," for now -- the upcoming adventure game from Ron Gilbert and co. at Double Fine Productions will be available shortly. In fact... more Double Fine's Middle Manager of Justice out now on iOSI had forgotten Double Fine was getting into iOS development with Middle Manager of Justice. Following a number of great sim games that fit very well with these mobile platforms, this tasks players with managing superheroes i... more Kinect Party will be free when released next weekDouble Fine's Kinect Party, the game that is going to make your high fives sparkle, is also going to be totally free. A list of upcoming releases on Major Nelson's blog looked like a possible typo, but Double Fine's website confirmed that this Kinect game will be free on December 18, and will remain free for the rest of the year. Got a Kinect? Then you have no excuse. more Kinect Party trailer makes your high fives sparkleThere's a lot of interesting stuff going on in this new Kinect Party trailer, but what I'm most interested in is having sparks come off my high fives with other people. How great is that? I imagine that happening anyway, so ... more Win one of 10 early tickets to Ümloud! this ThursdayIn the Bay Area this Thursday? Come melt your face at San Francisco's DNA lounge for Ümloud!, the annual California fundraiser that benefits Child's Play. Did I mention Tim Schafer, creator of Psychonauts, Grim... more Explore the new trailer from The CaveSega, Double Fine, and Ron Gilbert have sent along their newest trailer for upcoming puzzle action/adventure title The Cave. In it, a talking cave gives us a brief rundown on a few of the seven characters that you'll ch... more Brazen prototype added to Amnesia Fortnight bundleSome of you were very enthusiastic about Double Fine's Amnesia Fortnight bundle, which is essentially the studio's way of giving people the opportunity to check out playable builds of prototypes and also vote on potential pr... more Double Fine opens up voting on its next game prototypesDouble Fine Productions has been pretty vocal about its Amnesia Fortnight prototyping process that ultimately resulted in games like Costume Quest and Iron Brigade. This time, they're going a step further, and you'll have an... more |     Dtoid is... Dale North Editor-in-Chief Jim Sterling Reviews Editor Hamza Aziz Dir. Communications Conrad Zimmerman Managing Editor Jordan Devore PC Editor Andy Dixon Community Manager Rick Olson Dtoid.TV Producer Niero Gonzalez Publisher Editors Meet the team Our sites Flixist Japanator Tomopop Contact Us Suggest News Advertising General Info  |
5:00 PM on 07.01.2011
