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[ - ] Started dating a man almost a year who I madly in love with. He is divorced and has three grown children with whom he is close. He has worked in legal/ law enforcement/ military security field for 20 years. He just confided to me that he had been sexually abused Dom the time he was nine Neil he was 16 by a neighbor. I have 4 dcs, 16, 14, 11, and 9. He has a great relationship with all of them and they love him. He is careful about boundaries (changing in private etc) any cause for a pause? 10 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:36 AM Flag
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has he moved past it/been able to heal? is he still damaged? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:39 AM Flag
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Has he had therapy? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:39 AM Flag
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No therapy. Seems quite we adjusted. Harbors hatred for the abuser, but that's understandable., [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:42 AM Flag
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Yes, totally understandable, but why no therapy? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:54 AM Flag
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Seems unstable. I'd look for something else. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:39 AM Flag
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^^^ sorry typing on my iPad (abused from nine until we was 16) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:39 AM Flag
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sounds ok. i'd think the first three are basically out of the woods. the nine year old will be at about 13 for sure. i think. you know best. go with your mommy instincts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:41 AM Flag
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um, sorry to tell you this, but "mommy instincts" are crap at protecting children in these situations [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:53 AM Flag
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Yes, be very careful. My younger sister was molested by my stepdad from 10 or 11, no one else knew. Amazes me to this day as my mom and other sisters are very perceptive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:47 AM Flag
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You've known him for almost a year, brought him into your family and he just told you about the abuse? I would feel betrayed. And would find it difficult to continue with him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:55 AM Flag
[ - ] I'm in SF and can hear coyotes (plural) howling. is there a more bone chilling sound?? 9 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:33 AM Flag
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I'm in CA and can hear them too. I love it -- always sounds like home to me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:36 AM Flag
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really? thought I was the only one up. :) makes me glad to be inside. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:35 AM Flag
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I live next to a large canyon and they go nuts howling if they hear a siren. In So Cal. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:38 AM Flag
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they caught something and now are making that happy yapping/eating sound. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:37 AM Flag
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that's a little unnerving, but we all have to eat [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:38 AM Flag
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Yes, I love that too. They go wild yipping and yapping. Sometimes I go out on my balcony and try to howl at them. Sounds crazy but its fun! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:49 AM Flag
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I love that there's still a little bit of wildness here [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:57 AM Flag
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Hope it's not someone's dog. :-( [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:50 AM Flag
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I know. I get SO frustrated when my neighbors let their animals out at night. This area is completely unsafe for small dogs and all cats at night. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:56 AM Flag
[ - ] After canceling plans for my birthday twice, DH says he's taking me to a movie to celebrate. I am visibly upset, and he gets mad and is being cold. I know I should appreciate it. I just do too much for his. 6 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:26 AM Flag
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stop wasting good energy on some dude who obviously doesn't appreciate it. casting pearls before swines... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:27 AM Flag
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OP: to his credit, he did get me a nice purse for my birthday present. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:32 AM Flag
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More than I got. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:39 AM Flag
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what movie? Do you get to pick? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:36 AM Flag
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Must it be tit for tat? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:39 AM Flag
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Was he the busy resident? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:40 AM Flag
[ - ] 17 dead in Staten Island: “the dead have all been found in the borough’s evacuation zones,” and many of them “were found trapped in their basements, caught off-guard when a sudden, sustained gush of water trapped them inside, where they either drowned, were electrocuted or were crushed by debris.” 7 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:17 AM Flag
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oh dear [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:20 AM Flag
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Grisly. Stop with the bad news here pls. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:23 AM Flag
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Agreed, I like to filter all bad news out of my little UES bubble where I can pretend sad, scary places like Staten Island and NJ don't exist! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:52 AM Flag
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why in basement? couldn't they at least go to the top floor? i don't understand. maybe they were trying to survey the damage. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:28 AM Flag
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Well they weren't bright enough to listen to the evacuation orders. And hell, they live in SI, so you can't expect much from them to begin with. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:35 AM Flag
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must you? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:41 AM Flag
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that's mean. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:42 AM Flag
[ - ] So we have a blast trick or treating last night, and then go to a local epicanthic restaurant for dinner, a p,ace where my family has gone before and where there's often kids. Our server is dressed up for Halloween in fishnets and a skimpy stripper body suit. Boobs hanging out, ass hanging out. Sure, in sme settings it would be appealing, but do I really need to see your ass as your handy my husband his rice and beans? 12 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:13 AM Flag
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Dh probably enjoyed it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:17 AM Flag
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Maybe, but he seemed uncomfortable. He was afraid to look and our dcs and my mil was there.. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:19 AM Flag
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Well that is Halloween for a lot of women, the chance to strut their slut stuff. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:25 AM Flag
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love it: strut their slut stuff [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:29 AM Flag
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I think you're jealous of the server [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:18 AM Flag
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She had a cute enough body, but the whole thing was just so weird/uncomfortable hat jealousy wasn't even on the menu. One of the guys she as working with was dressed as a Hawaiian dude with floral shirt. The girl just seemed to be begging for attention, and it just seemed to make so many people ncomfortable. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:23 AM Flag
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maybe secretly inside you thought she was hot? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:24 AM Flag
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Epicanthic? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:18 AM Flag
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I think she means Asian. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:19 AM Flag
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Santa Fe , 73rd & cColumbus, [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:25 AM Flag
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ethnic? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:39 AM Flag
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Just don't go back. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:25 AM Flag
[ - ] DH not interesting to me. 20 yrs is a long time to be with same person. 9 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:09 AM Flag
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it is. it used to be 20 years into the marriage, you were pretty much dead. these are the travails of long life. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:12 AM Flag
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No wonder people drift apart. Fine line between love and hate. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:16 AM Flag
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Have you read Sex Before Dawn? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:18 AM Flag
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No. Is it mommy porn? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:26 AM Flag
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Sorry, no. But it will explain more about what's happening in your marriage. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:27 AM Flag
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Thanks, will get that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:29 AM Flag
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Oops, had the title wrong. It's Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. Sex before dawn is what I like -- that could be mommy porn! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:35 AM Flag
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Lol. I'm to the point where I dread going on vacation bc I don't want to spend more time with DH. Just nothing to talk about. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:41 AM Flag
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you probably got it confused with Dinosaurs Before Dawn the magic tree house. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:43 AM Flag
[ - ] Sorry, call me a prude but I am bit freaked out that BF (soon to be fiancé) uses porn when I'm not around . I get that he's a very high-testosterone sex once or twice a day guy, but I still feel like it's a form of cheating. There, I said it. 25 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:05 AM Flag
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Don't be upset. It's not personal, it's porn. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:06 AM Flag
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Ummm, it's another woman's vagina. It 's pretty personal... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:09 AM Flag
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Get over yourself. Any orifice will do for a man. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:13 AM Flag
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Is he putting his penis into the screen and into the virtual vagina? It ain't cheating, it's porn. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:14 AM Flag
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hahaha [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:21 AM Flag
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but he's not touching it in person. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:12 AM Flag
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you're not a prude but probably best to get used to it. maybe you could ask him to do it surreptitiously. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:10 AM Flag
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You will be thankful he has porn if he wants sex once or twice a day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:11 AM Flag
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Op : I love sex once or twice a day ( had one those 3 times a month marriages and this is much more my speed). But no one else thinks this is cheating? He does do it surreptitiously... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:16 AM Flag
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no, it's not cheating because it's not. Get that straight. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:21 AM Flag
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Not good for your lady parts. Ask any prostitute. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:22 AM Flag
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Yeah you get Slack Flaps™ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:28 AM Flag
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Love it, great term. Also heard it called mud flaps. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:44 AM Flag
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Really, why? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:28 AM Flag
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Just wear and tear. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:43 AM Flag
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Over use of the muscles. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:48 AM Flag
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porn is not cheating. kissing anyone else is cheating, or having sexy chats online is cheating, but just watching porn movies? no. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:48 AM Flag
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it's not cheating. cheating is when he actually has sex with another person in real life. porn is just fantasy. women like it too. read 50 shades of grey or something. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:16 AM Flag
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I'm a woman and will ever give up my woman porn. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:18 AM Flag
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never that should say. It's only a problem if he expects you to be like the porn or becomes anti-social with you. TMI but before my period I need to orgasm as much as I can to allievate the pressure. I don't think that's cheating. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:23 AM Flag
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Yes, I get this also. It's physical not personal. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:26 AM Flag
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I felt like that too, but I watch it sometimes when he's not around so meh. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:24 AM Flag
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If you don't like it, ask him to be discreet and respect your feelings [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:25 AM Flag
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please tell me you're not one of those nutters who thinks masturbation is cheating. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:41 AM Flag
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Immature rxn on your part. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:53 AM Flag
[ - ] wow, after reading all those posts about horrible things that mothers did to their children, i feel like a supermom. the stuff that people said makes me so so sad. 8 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:03 AM Flag
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That was Jerry Springer stuff. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:11 AM Flag
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what do you mean? Why Jerry Springer? One of those people was me, and what I wrote was completely true. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:19 AM Flag
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np Ah don't read into it. I was the Op of that post and it was pretty wild compared to other people. You just got to believe it makes you stronger, and that other people won't really get it, but that's ok. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:34 AM Flag
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Yeah, that's true. This is why I never talk about my childhood IRL, in part -- it's just too fucked up to be believed. Also, I don't want anyone to pity me, because it did make me stronger! You, too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:37 AM Flag
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I don't tell people because then they are apt to treat me as if I'm damaged or have mental illness myself or am too fragile to be trusted. But shouldn't our backgrounds be something to be proud of? I'm stronger and more resilient *because* of everything I've overcome and triumphed over! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:44 AM Flag
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You are damaged. That shit leaves you scarred. You have prevailed but all traumatic things leave emotional scars. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:55 AM Flag
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seriously. this is why i think rape victim names shouldn't be shielded. it stigmatizes them. we should see that they are real, every women and that they can and do rise above it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:54 AM Flag
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Try to enjoy your kids! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:26 AM Flag
[ - ] Does Calhoun offer full tuition? 1 Reply [ Reply | Watch | More
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NY Schools 11.02.12, 05:02 AM Flag
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IDK, we're looking at that though. What do you like about the school? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:06 AM Flag
[ - ] First world problem alert. My cleaning lady could not come this week because she is in Staten Island (but not in a flooded part) and we are in NYC. Do I pay her for this week or not? Note -- Of course, if I ever have to cancel, I pay her, and I pay her if she is sick because I don't like to have someone sick in my house around dc, because it's my decision that she shouldn't come. I give her Xmas bonus and a paid day (she comes once a week) in summer. But do I pay her if she can't come in because of the storm? Or should I not pay the whole thing but put a little extra in? (if so, how much extra?) BTW, both dh and I are freelance/independent contractors and only get paid when we work, so I might be thinking about this differently than others might, which is why I would appreciate advice. Thank you! 24 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:09 AM Flag
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everyone who works for me domestically does it as an indpendent contractor. i pay them well but i do not pay them for days not worked, whatever the reason. i do try to let it be made up when i get back (if on vacation) and i try to be generous with overtime hours' pay. but i do not pay if they don't work whatever the reason. i am not some fortune 500 company with a sick/vacation pay. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:17 AM Flag
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Thank you for the response. I still feel that if I cancel for whatever reason, I pay anyway, but do not really know how I feel about circumstances that are outside both my control and her control. It definitely is helpful to read other people's perspectives on this. thanks again. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:20 AM Flag
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I agree with you 100%. I pay them well, I am generous with over time, often I pay them full amount when their hours end up short but no work means no pay. Isn't that what hourly pay means? If they choose to quit solely based on the fact they didn't get paid for the time they didn't work, so be it. I don't want their service. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:47 AM Flag
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I'm freelance and currently can not afford a cleaning person. That being said, I suspect your cleaning person lives hand to mouth. This is really an unusual situation. Her bills are not going to go away even though Sandy took away her ability to pay them. I'd say in this case, you should pay her the full amount. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:31 AM Flag
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don't people save ever? christ. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:34 AM Flag
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Have you tried to live on 400/week? Or have some compassion? Or try to understand that not everyone has the privileges that you must enjoy from your perch? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:37 AM Flag
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omg. yes. that's unemployment pay. but guess what? i saved so it was ok. and omg, guess what? my parents made barely above minimum wage all their lives and never got paid unless they were on the clock. and guess what? they are near millionaires now. but guess what? we never freaking ate out as children. you have to make do with what you've got. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:55 AM Flag
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Thanks, Mittens. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:57 AM Flag
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now i'm a republican because my parents saved a million making minimum wage? you are a joke. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:16 AM Flag
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You are though, aren't you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:23 AM Flag
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no, i'm not. i'm independent. i voted obama because of social issues. i am not voting this time because he has been so disappointing on so many fronts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:33 AM Flag
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How'd tour parents mange that? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:24 AM Flag
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they just saved like crazy. vegetables -- all from the garden. never ever ever ate out. my idea of quality clothing through middle school -- target (and not the 21st century target being hyped now). no vacation unless in a car. and to a relative's house. never ever ever stay in a motel. you drive 24 hours straight. turn off all lights when not in use. MINIMAL a/c and heat. $11 for electric one month in november in 1987. work overtime. fix everything yourself. never go to a doctor unless dying -- didn't see the inside of a doctor's office until i was in college. got to know the county health clinic, though. no extracurricular anything. no summer camp ever. just everything. i can't tell you how frugally they lived and still do. they are amazing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:40 AM Flag
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Amazing? I mean maybe they are. My parents made six figures and have nothing to show for it. Overspent it. Maybe they shold have taken a lesson from your parents. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:44 AM Flag
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shoulda. it is kind of amazing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:55 AM Flag
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Thank you. Now I have two completely opposite opinions to consider. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:38 AM Flag
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I am a freelancer and I only get paid for the hours I work. Why should I pay for someone else who didn't work? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:58 AM Flag
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Not criticizing or judging in any way, but if I were in your shoes and had the money (what is it 80-100 bucks?) I'd pay her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:34 AM Flag
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I would pay 70% of her norm; if you can afford it. That's what I get.. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:36 AM Flag
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Thank you all so much. I will continue to 'watch' this but right now I am leaning toward paying 50-75%, seems like a good compromise to me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:49 AM Flag
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I am paying 100%. I don't know your situation, or what you can afford, or if you lost money due to the storm, but have you seen pictures of Staten Island? You sound very generous and fair, so I say this is the time to give! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:03 AM Flag
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Thank you so much; we do try our best. The only reason I am hesitating is that both dh and I lost work/money because of the storm, plus we are housing and feeding 4 additional family members who are without power/water so are spending a LOT more on food than usual. I have also been trying to figure out where I can cut corners this month (the cleaning person is literally our only luxury; we do not eat out, hire babysitters, etc.) so as to donate extra to the Food Bank NYC (I donate regularly throughout the year) but maybe I should be giving that money to the cleaning lady instead. Our income is laughingly way below UB standards but 99% of the time I do not feel 'poor', unless something like this comes up. But, like I said in my OP, I realize that it's definitely a first world problem and I am definitely not complaining, just trying to figure out how to make it all work! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:27 AM Flag
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If you don't pay her the 100%, I would make sure she knows you lost money and had other people stay. I think people just want to be treated fairly. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:51 AM Flag
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Thank you; this is excellent advice and I really think you are right. We have been speaking on the phone and texting so she already knows how many people are here (and that I have been cleaning every day and not leaving a mess for her next week!) but I will definitely tell her the rest. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:56 AM Flag
[ - ] East Village bartender isn't getting paid for days with no work, why should a nanny? 13 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:08 AM Flag
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Bartender's boss sucks, ergo, everyone who's a boss should also suck? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:08 AM Flag
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the boss isn't making money. where should he get it? people are asses. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:17 AM Flag
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Ahh! But the nanny's employer (most likely) IS still making money-- their salary! So yes, nanny should be paid based on your argument. But mostly because it's in most nanny employment agreements. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:20 AM Flag
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so, if she gets shit bonus, then she doesn't have to pay the nanny? how about a mom who works in sales? how about a mom who gets paid by the hour? you're ridiculous. you don't work, you don't get paid. you want generous benefits, get a salaried job somewhere. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:28 AM Flag
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YOU are ridiculous! She just said it's in nanny's agreement, hello! Probably bartender doesn't have an agreement with his customers to still tip him when they don't come in. Apples and oranges. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:58 AM Flag
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Go ahead and not pay your nanny. But when they have to look for a new job because they can't pay their rent, don't complain about how bad the nanny is for not being able to support themselves. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:24 AM Flag
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I don't want our nanny to get evicted. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:24 AM Flag
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Exactly, you're ensuring the continuity of caregivers. If anything, you should have the nanny sign a contract. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:37 AM Flag
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so, why can't she just make up the hours? say saturday nights or something. this is how america is going to end up a loser country. no one is made to work for a living. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:54 AM Flag
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Why can't she sing on the street for her supper? This is why America is a loser country, because of Scrooges who beat Tiny Tim with his crutch. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:23 AM Flag
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why don't you just give all your money to all the poor schleps who can't get a break? they're everywhere. don't stop with the nanny. what gives? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:46 AM Flag
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Come on, a bartender being compared to a person you trust to stay in your home and care for your precious children? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:28 AM Flag
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Unless the bartender is the one employing the nanny, this is not a reasonable argument. I truly hope you do not employ a nanny. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:04 AM Flag
[ - ] Worst thing that your mom ever did to you? 87 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:07 AM Flag
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repeatedly would cry at the dinner table and tell us how she never wanted any of us. would beat us. through boiling water on my older brother's face when he was in high school. never told me i was loved. plays passive aggressive mind games to this day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:11 AM Flag
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are you for real? your brother survived a 3rd degree burn to his face and didn't kill her as a high schooler? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:18 AM Flag
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Maybe he'd been too brown beaten all his life to have much self esteem. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:21 AM Flag
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Wow, she sounds psycho. I am sorry, and I hope you got therapy to get over it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:19 AM Flag
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How is your brother's face? This is horrible. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:22 AM Flag
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This post proves why some people should not be parents. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:54 AM Flag
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dad called her from a motel threatening to kill himself and asking her to bring me (age 5) to him. SHE DID. She let me go into the room, alone, in my nightie. Dad had cut his wrists and picked me up. Mom waited in the car. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:23 AM Flag
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Omg, that is terribly morbid. Did he survive? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:25 AM Flag
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yes, but he was mentally ill and I was often left alone with him, with predictable results. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:25 AM Flag
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You were abused? I'm sorry. I hope you got over all that shit form the past. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:31 AM Flag
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Yes, I did-- really good therapist and amazing lovers in my 20s, to be honest. Mom just sat back and let it happen, which was almost worst than what dad did, since he was truly mentally ill. I am trying to be closer to my mother now, but her passivity and victim mentality sometimes make it difficult. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:31 AM Flag
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O cut my mom out of my life. I finally learned that no matter wht I do, no matter how hard I try it just wouldn't work and it would always be painful. New wounds would keep reopening. I feel a lot better letting go. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:39 AM Flag
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That is how I feel about my mentally ill/abusive dad/ I stopped having any contact with him as soon as I was able. Sometimes you do what you have to do to survive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:42 AM Flag
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i hope not predicatble results. i always like to believe that we can rise above our circumstances. but i am sorry for your less than ideal upbringing. but most everyone has his burden to carry. i hope you overcame yours. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:29 AM Flag
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Yes, completely true. Everyone has something in her past, or a difficulty somewhere along the way. The trick is to not get bogged down, or defined by it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:38 AM Flag
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by "predictable results" I mean that, somewhat predictably, when my mother left me alone with him when he was ill, bad things happened, including him raping me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:05 AM Flag
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omg. i really didn't need to read that. i just didn't see that coming. mentally ill does not usually translate into violent behavior onto others. jesus. i am so sorry. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:17 AM Flag
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He was delusional and thought I was his wife. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:28 AM Flag
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I'm so sorry to hear that. As a victim of physical child abuse, Ive often thought that sexual abuse has got to one of the hardest things to recover from in life, period. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:36 AM Flag
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I had the best therapist. Now I hardly ever even think about it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:42 AM Flag
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No. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:27 AM Flag
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Shut up, this is my story! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:31 AM Flag
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Whoa, Nellie. I meant NO not as a challenge to the story, but as the only think I could say as a response because the story was horrible. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:35 AM Flag
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Oh, I am sorry! I thought you were being one of those wackos who takes over someone else's tale midway. I apologize. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:37 AM Flag
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Got it. The new UB reverse response doesn't help with clarity. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:48 AM Flag
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I am a little on edge, too. I really am sorry! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:49 AM Flag
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she grew up in really hard circumstances as a child/young woman. so she's a bit tough and hard on others, too. plus, she sometimes worked two jobs in things that went nowhere. she was tired and under-appreciated and sometimes, she's be a little hard on us kids. it's all ok, though. i love her to death and feel very lucky that she is my mom. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:24 AM Flag
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Sooo.... What did she do that was bad? Sounds like every Irishwoman I have ever met, thus far. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:33 AM Flag
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nothing noteworthy compared to these other stories, but... well, she is a very proud woman and sometimes it felt like she'd rather cut us off than be hurt. we did something that displeased her and she told us to get out of the house and my sister and i (7 and 5 yo) did (at 9PM). we literally took her seriously and started wondering around the streets and ended up at a church. she once thought when i was a teenager that i was sleeping with some boy (i wasn't). she and my dad started nearly beating me because they are so fucked up about propriety and all that. but again, i'm proud to have her as my mom. my dad is another story but this isn't about him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:43 AM Flag
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You have a lot of insight into your mom's behavior and are very forgiving and understanding. I would be proud to have you as a daughter, that's for sure. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:48 AM Flag
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well, thanks. have to try to give the benefit of the doubt to people who worked so hard to raise us, right? even my dad. he's a punk but i know he's got his good side. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:59 AM Flag
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Lord, woman, you are kind of amazing. I was joking about you being Irish, but are you? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:01 AM Flag
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no, i'm not. but i feel like i have nothing to complain compared to these other ladies who had some mothers with issues. oh, boy. let's hope our daughters/kids give us the same benefit of doubt. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:05 AM Flag
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Yes -- I am the one whose mom left me alone with crazy dad, and I feel like it's been really good for me to forgive my mom and get closer to her as an adult. What's the point of holding anything against her? We're all human, and fallible. She had no clue what she was doing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:11 AM Flag
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yes. we make mistakes. and parenting is hard. and i imagine parenting with a mentally ill husband back 30 years ago was even harder. here's to better things for our kids. cheers! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:19 AM Flag
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My mentally ill mother beat me 5-10x a day when I was growing up. Once when I was 10, I counted 30 bruises on me. When I was raped and almost bled to death when I was a teenager, she told me I deserved it because I was a worthless whore (even though I was a virgin when it happened.). The worst was the verbal abuse. Nonstop rage and hostility. I was never hugged or cared for or had anything positive said to me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:28 AM Flag
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holy shit. some of you women had some tough times. where was your dad in all this? forget it. i hope you overcame all this. did this deter you from having children? i think i'd be too traumatized. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:32 AM Flag
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My dad died when I was 4. It took me a long time to decide to have children. I had to really work to overcome all my resulting issues - self hatred, low self esteem, inability to trust people, etc. so I didn't have a kid until I was 38. I'm lucky to have a very patient and emotionally generous DH too. Got lucky there!, [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:15 AM Flag
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glad you found your way. you ladies really amaze me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:26 AM Flag
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Ty :) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:36 AM Flag
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Where was your father? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:34 AM Flag
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Oh my god. This is terrible. All of this is making me think about how desperately we need better care for the mentally ill. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:40 AM Flag
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Yes, this. Because of my familiarity now with mental illness, I just see so many instances where the ill are criminalized and marginalized. But that helps no one, it robs us of the opportunity to have a public dialogue around support and rehabilitation. When we judge and criminalize, then people won't ask for help, and often times they won't even know they need help. I don't think my mom is evil really, just really fucked up. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:16 AM Flag
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How did you survive, emotionally? How did you learn to develop a sense of self-worth, a sense that you are lovable and capable of love? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:40 AM Flag
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Terribly chaotic 20s, many bad choices and self destructive behavior. Difficult 30s, tried many things to improve myself and make myself whole. Succeeded, failed, succeeded, failed. But i kept trying, kept working towards building my own character and taking pride in my small accomplishments. Finally achieved escape velocity through sheer determination to be a truly healthy person. Now I have good friends, stable relationships, a career I'm proud of. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:19 AM Flag
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Good for you! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:32 AM Flag
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My mom was just a bitch. She'd point out people who got Phd's and say in a cold tone "She's the same age as you." Or she would compare me to my friends and ask why I couldn't be like them, pretty/popular. She constantly was upset and miserable and I could never figure out why but she did a lot of punishing and yelling. It got to the point where I dreaded going home because an unfolded towel would set her off and have her banging pots and pans and yelling "Do you care?" She'd be completely cold and ignore me when I came home from school. Constant power struggles and not a lot of love. I think she wanted me to give her the love her mom never gave her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:30 AM Flag
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Do you talk to her? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:33 AM Flag
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No. I don't. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:39 AM Flag
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these crazy stories... my goodness. i salute all of you for carrying on and becoming (i hope) successful, well-adjusted adults. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:33 AM Flag
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what's the alternative? Sometimes when I was struggling (in my 20s) to NOT be a complete mess I would think of the kid I was and just tell myself that I owed it to her to really figure it all out. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:47 AM Flag
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You can't win! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:34 AM Flag
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Exactly. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:40 AM Flag
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do you ever find that impulse, or fear of it, rising up inside you under any circumstance, or is it completely not in you? I used to be afraid that some part of my father's mental illness would emerge in me, but it never has. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:46 AM Flag
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The only time was when I was babysitting this boy who was a complete spoiled brat. He was wiping his bogers on a blanket and I said "That's not good." He got mad at me and tried to hit me and I deflected it, then he got angrier and bit my chest hard. I got amd and jerked him off me and he cried. I felt bad for that and told his mom I'd never babysit again because I didn't want to risk hurting him. Other than that, no. There was a period of time when I was hard on my younger sibling, but it was because of the abuse I was going through with my mom, though I have a lot of guilt over that. I don't hold myself accountable for that anymore and have spent years feeling awful for it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:01 AM Flag
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Did you delay having kids until you figured this all out? I did. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:12 AM Flag
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Yeah I did delay having my kids because I was worried I would be like her. But I'm not at all thank God. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:38 AM Flag
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my father was just like this to me too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:51 AM Flag
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Luckily my dad was very nice and made up for it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:03 AM Flag
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OP, what about you? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:33 AM Flag
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Pushed me down stairs grabbed my hair and kicked me. All this happened in the other room while company was over. I said something teenagerish and smart alecky. I can't even remember what it was but I can remember my heart breaking and thinking she was evil. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:42 AM Flag
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was this out of nowhere, or did she typically treat you like that? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:43 AM Flag
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She used to stand me in the kitchen and say "I want an answer. why did you do that?" over something kids usually do and I would be there standing saying "I don't know" nd she would say "Yes. You do know. And you did it and you're not leaving until I get an answer." And we'd stay there for an hour and she'd berate me because I couldn't think of an answer This time she snapped because she never did that before. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:51 AM Flag
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It's so sad that when it's all over no one can remember why it started. Really sorry this happened. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:44 AM Flag
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my God [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:52 AM Flag
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? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:56 AM Flag
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My Sicilian mother would make decrees without any explanation and it made me crazy. Guess I'm the lucky one here tonight. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:37 AM Flag
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Pretty tame. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:43 AM Flag
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Yup. Feeling grateful. And sad maybe that my children will have more to say about me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:43 AM Flag
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Ah, we've all got out flaws, but as long as you're not doing anything major, like abuse, assualt, emotionally crippling, or arguing every day, you're probably alright. Everyone has their minor fluffs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:53 AM Flag
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Thanks, but reading this is making me think about how often I yell at my HS daughter. Who, like all of you, is actually pretty great. We get old and forget how hard it is to have a mother. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:54 AM Flag
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That's what I was thinking to. I need to stop yelling. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:00 AM Flag
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Communication is a fine line, can't be too soft or hard. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:06 AM Flag
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How are we going to do that? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:21 AM Flag
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Let them be accountable for their own mistakes. Bite your tongue and watch and only yell when absolutely neccesary. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:39 AM Flag
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Oh, your kids wouldn't be normal if they didn't have anything at all to say. In the words of Roseanne Roseannadanna, if it's not one thing, it's your mother. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:52 AM Flag
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Thanks, UB! Did you ever think it would make you feel normal? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:44 AM Flag
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Actually, some of the UB threads about people sharing finances or details of lack of sex life or the degree of snark make me feel pretty normal. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:45 AM Flag
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well, there's that [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:52 AM Flag
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My mom stole money from me when I was 17. It was about $3000. I had some money to buy a car that I put in her bank account. I spent $1000 less than I had. She told me she would buy insurance with the rest. She later told me the insurance was about $600 for 6 months. When I got my first ticket a few months later, I found out that she only paid for the first month and I was driving all that time without it. I gave her my whole paycheck once to cover a work trip. She always said she'd pay me back, but never saw a penny of it again. There were several smaller things that added up before that, but that was the final straw. I didn't speak to her for awhile, but she became a big part of my life when I got pregnant at 19. I decided to let it go because I knew I would never see it again. I eventually loaned her money again, but not before a discussion on repayment. She has been good about paying me back for the last 10 years. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:02 AM Flag
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WHAT? Did she have a drug/gambling problem? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:13 AM Flag
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To all of you women who have survived this treatment and are raising your kids without the crazy that you experienced in your family, I raise my glass to you and say you are all fucking heros in my eyes for breaking the cycle and surviving. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:04 AM Flag
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fer realz. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:23 AM Flag
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My mom truly believes she is/was the best mother in the world. She yells at me why I am not such a good mother when I have a perfect roll model. Just can't stand her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:25 AM Flag
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Was she a good mother? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:29 AM Flag
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no, she had problems. That's why I can't stand her when she says she is the best mother in the world. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:55 AM Flag
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Confabulation by parents is common. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:57 AM Flag
[ - ] NYC restaurant than can do a large business dinner for $100 a person. something good and low key but not Olive Garden. 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:06 AM Flag
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How large? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:24 AM Flag
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Carmines [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:37 AM Flag
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Ewww. please no [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:38 AM Flag
[ - ] Ever since the baby arrived,3 months ago DH lost all interest in sex. Have to initiate alwaysUsually it's the other way round. Started watching porn. Should probably talk to him,but easier said than done. suggestions? 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:58 AM Flag
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this is a question for Dan Savage. I'll do my best to relay what he'll tell you. 1) your vagina spit out a human 3 months ago. Odds are good this has changed how your DH sees it and it will probably take some time for him to wall off the fact that a baby came out of there. 2) testosterone drops with a new baby, everyone is exhausted, etc--you need have a little bit of grace period where you're more lenient about your sex expectations. This is not forever. 3) how is it hard to talk honestly about sex with your husband?? you guys made a person! you should be past the awkwardness! talk to him, but be understanding 4) porn is fine. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:24 AM Flag
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hi fellow savage love-phile! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:05 AM Flag
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Did your husband view the birth, as in, the baby emerging from your vagina? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:21 AM Flag
[ - ] At last! I can go to bed without sobbing! The house I grew up in on the Jersey Shore did NOT wash away, and it looks OK! Thank goodness for Facebook, and kind souls posting tons of pictures. Good luck to all, and stay safe and healthy. 8 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:44 AM Flag
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what town? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:45 AM Flag
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Bay Head. 'night all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:48 AM Flag
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glad it's still there. Good night. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:51 AM Flag
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You sobbed for three nights because a house that's not even in your family anymore MAY have been destroyed? I'm not a big fan of the callousness on this board, but wow. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:46 AM Flag
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np: I have to agree. I'm glad, for OP's sake, that the house is okay, but her earlier reaction does seem to be disproportionate. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:53 AM Flag
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Callous is never having loved people or a place so much that you fear for their safety, and are horrified by what has happened because of the storm. OP has expressed nothing but positive thoughts, so take a hike, snide poster. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:53 AM Flag
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np above: there's a difference between loving people and loving a house. Equating the two is wrong. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:55 AM Flag
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Yes [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:07 AM Flag
[ - ] How good is the show Downtown Abbey? I have a long plane ride coming up, would this keep me entertained? 11 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:41 AM Flag
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^^I mean is it addictive in that I could watch many episodes in a row [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:42 AM Flag
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Absolutely. Even DH fiends for it when a new season comes out on DVD (we don't have real TV). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:45 AM Flag
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yes it's perfect for binge viewing in particular [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:52 AM Flag
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Boyind wonderful--but fair warning, addictive and loooong stretches in between seasons!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:58 AM Flag
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it's period soap opera, f you like that kind of thing. it's pretty stupid when you get down to it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:19 AM Flag
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Downton and it's not very good. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:20 AM Flag
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She's talking about the porn version, silly, and it's HOT [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:24 AM Flag
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:P Yeah right. Watch porn on a plane and see what happens. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:33 AM Flag
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I'm joking! DOWNTOWN Abbey...? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:22 AM Flag
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I am not so into PBS and avoided it for a while and then I became obsessed. I would vote yes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:25 AM Flag
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yessss addictive! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 05:04 AM Flag
[ - ] Anyone do couch to 5K? Can you recommend an app or podcast? tia 7 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:39 AM Flag
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Chubby Jones [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:45 AM Flag
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Which version? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:21 AM Flag
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Yeah, I bought the c25k app??????? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 03:54 AM Flag
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why the question marks? There are 20 or so apps all called a variation on that name. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:21 AM Flag
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There's a free app by Zeb Labs that I just started using this week. I like it :) Good luck! My long-distance nanny friends and I are doing it together and that helps SOOO much with the motivation! Try to find a partner, even if it's long-distance :) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:10 AM Flag
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Zen Labs, oops! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:11 AM Flag
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Thanks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.02.12, 04:21 AM Flag
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