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Email a FriendI loved Deacon Greg’s article and perspective. And I also loved this point you made: “I find the most peace when I quit analyzing the behavior of the people around me and just do what’s best for us.” I’m not a fan of cry rooms in general, but on the few times we’ve needed to use one, I’ve easily found myself in the camp of people annoyed by the parents who let their kids run wild there during Mass. But while I’ve easily sat and cast judgment on their parenting (or lack thereof), I don’t know that I ever simply stopped to thank God that they were there - that they decided to bring their family to Mass that morning, even if they weren’t doing in the way that I liked. When you consider how many families - for a variety of reasons - never darken the door of the church on Sundays, it’s a good reminder that there is a simple fact of presence and showing up for us to be grateful for. After all, they can never begin to learn from any other family’s example or become open to God working on their hearts if they have no desire whatsoever to have faith be a part of their family’s life.
Cry Room Conundrum
Posted by Rachel Balducci in Family on Thursday, August 04, 2011 1:50 PM
For the first time in a long while, I am a frequent visitor of the dreaded Cry Room. It’s not my favorite place to hang out, but it’s our best option right now.
We’ve been in a very nice season for a long while. After what felt like eternity with our oldest four we finally had everyone trained with good behavior and had even managed to move to the very front of our church. When Henry came along, he did fine there for a while, and then we decided (for the first time ever) to use the nursery with him. We had gotten a taste of sitting through Mass and it was very, very nice.
So off Henry went to the nursery each week and it was wonderful. When Isabel came along, she was still small enough to stay happy and quiet, with a random squawk here and there that didn’t warrant leaving.
But within the last few weeks, we’ve had a double whammy. Henry turned four and he needs to start coming to Mass, and Isabel suddenly has (loud) opinions about her surroundings. Of the two, Henry is the easiest.
So we are back to divide and conquer, with Paul taking Isabel to the cry room while I work on training Henry. He’s getting there, but still needs the occasional trip to the back of the church for a “reminder” of good behavior.
When I read about cry rooms, people seem to have strong opinions about them. There are those who seem to think no child should step foot in a church unless they make not a peep, and those who think cry rooms are one of the worst inventions ever (this column by Deacon Greg was very insightful and made some good points in that direction).
I’m somewhere in the middle. While I understand that children are going to make noise here and there, I also have no interest in being the mom holding a screaming child. This will happen from time to time, of course, but the minute my child starts making noise that won’t subside, I like to be headed to the comfort and anonymity of the cry room. It’s the best place to regroup and refocus and take a deep breath when a little one needs to vocalize.
Of course, the downside of the cry room scene is when it’s more about being a nursery. That’s when it’s painful. To me, the cry room is the place to work on training the child or allowing a baby to make some noise. It shouldn’t be a Toddler’s Indy 500, and that’s sometimes what you get. To me, if you’re going to let your child run wild, you might as well be outside. There are people in the cry room who are still trying to follow along with Mass.
Having said that, I find the most peace when I quit analyzing the behavior of the people around me and just do what’s best for us. I have finally realized that each family will have their own approach to training children and the best I can do is focus on our own plans for our own brood. Instead of getting annoyed, my best option is to try to have patience with my own situation.
Last week, I had a sweet lady tell me I didn’t need to worry about hurrying out of the church each time Henry made noise. I thought that was so generous of her—but I think I’ll stick to taking him out. We have been staying closer to the back, so our coming and going isn’t a distraction. But at this stage of the game, I’m just not comfortable having my little guy making noise during the consecration, even if no one else around me minds!
Comments
Nicely said. I’m sure even the folks whose kids are running wild in the cry room don’t care so much for the cry room. It is sure nice to have one available in which to take refuge and eliminate the pain of trying to control the temporarily uncontrollable in the midst of several hundred praying people. And alas, still have the benefit of getting something out of mass AND be able to attend mass together as a family, even if sitting together can’t be done. I don’t like it. And I don’t start mass there. But I go. Happily. Because I think it’s best. And while I’m there, I pray that eventually my littlest will be able to make it through mass. (And we will celebrate inside the day that he does!)
I think it’s ok if a baby cries during Mass as long as it’s not screaming at the top of their lungs and really distracting others at Mass. I don’t have living children, but I do know that both my sisters-in-law and occassionally my brothers take their children outside if one of their little ones is way too boisterous and loud. I agree that is the best thing to do. I also am ok with cry rooms as long as they are just used for that, i.e. when the baby cries. I believe that children can be taught to behave properly in Mass and again my brother and their wives are proof of that. My little brother and his wife offer Mass treats afterwards if their little ones behave. It works real well. I don’t, however, believe that the cry room should be used for a romper room environment. Parents shouldn’t let their little ones play in there. There is the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass going on for (pardon the pun) crying out loud. They can play after Mass outside. The only exception to that rule would be if a woman (without the help of her absent husband) uses that room during weekday Mass. I get that it is not always easy to control a child withouth daddy. Although, my friend who does use the cry room with her 2 year-old and whom is very pregnant does a very good job of controlling her little guy in the cry room. Kudos to her and mothers like her.
I grew up in a church without a cry room or a nursery, so it’s new to me. When we were little, my dad would just take the offending party to the back (there were 6 of us close in age, so I think he spent a lot of time back there). Even though we’re at a church with a cry room and a nursery, we tend to just take our girls out to the narthex (you can usually still hear and see) when they act up. Our cry room has rockers in the back for nursing or bottle-feeding moms, so I do end up in there sometimes with a baby, but I try to stay out, because I have a hard time keeping my eyes on my own work, and the cry room becomes a near occasion of sin for me. It’s better for me if I just don’t go there. Also, we are at a large parish with a lot of young families, and a little cry room. Sometimes, even the cry room is standing room only. I think the Mass strategy is one where every family has to figure out what works for them. I don’t think it’s a one-size fits all solution, and I think that when we persevere in working with our children, we’ll get to our goal of one day being able to sit as a family at Mass 
I agree that for each family, a different tactic is necessary for the children to learn to behave in Mass. My 3 year old never once was happy in the nursery, but my 16 month visits the nursery often. I find that a nursery is such an important part of the church for us at this stage in the game- staying in the pew is impossible. The cry room drives me nuts, I’d rather be in the narthex if I can’t be in a church pew, but I do see it being beneficial to some. We will use a cry room at church’s we are visiting if we need to. I’m not going to drop off my child at an unfamiliar nursery either.
We have a nursery finally in the summer, what I can’t understand is why we don’t have a nursery on any possible holiday of the year- especially Mother’s day. We used to go to a church that had paid sitters work the nursery so it was the same people every week, at every Mass, every single week for the most part. Now, our church is all parent volunteer so it will likely be different people every week- not only that- but if you volunteer then you still have to get to Mass at another time yourself. The small cost of paid workers is so worth it for families to be able to attend Mass every week without pulling their hair out every single week.
I’m curious what other families let their young children do while sitting in the pews during Mass? We bring paper and crayons to color and I’ll usually bring snacks-goldfish- if my 16 month old is with me. When should I expect my children to sit quietly during Mass without the distractions?
Our priest actually addressed this in a homily recently. He said that children are absolutely an important part of mass. They remind us of the beauty of family, NFP, etc. He pretty much said if people have a problem with it, it’s their problem and they need to pray about it.
Oh, how I wish our pastor could hear that homily! We get a verbal reminder before the reader begins every week to please take children who are making any noise whatsoever out of the church immediately! And, we have NO cry room! Oh well…....so, my perspective is - be glad that you have an option!
I think that parents should just go with their instincts—and, the traditional instinct in Catholic churches seems to be that parents take their children out of Mass. My pastor likes to say that we all need a break sometimes.
Sorry to say that I am one of those offending parents who lets the kids sometimes run wild in the back hall! I find that with toddlers especially, letting them get rid of some of their energy allows them to settle down enough to go back into Mass. It is so hard for little kids to sit still and be quiet.
I was actually just wishing that we had a cry room last week!! My son (4) is finally getting better (again) and can sit through Mass-my daughter (1) on the other hand is getting quite vocal! I have found that sometimes we just need to stand with her and she will be quiet but when I’m in the Narthex (there is not a way to see or hear Mass) I don’t feel that I’m teaching her anything! I think the cry room would be a HUGE blessing in my life right now (my husband travels so I can’t take out just one kid and leave the other behind!) I think the controversy over the cry room is interesting, and I can remember growing up with one in our home Parish - we quickly learned that it was punishment and NOT a place that we wanted to go as kids!
All in all I agree with the previous poster that each family has to figure out what works for them. We as parents are the ONLY ones that know our kids, and teaching them how to behave in church. I do also agree that I have a hard time keeping my eyes to myself - the families that fill the pew and all sit so reverently during Mass are my sinning weakness, and then I remind myself that kids learn from example and one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) that will be my family!
“I think the Mass strategy is one where every family has to figure out what works for them. I don’t think it’s a one-size fits all solution, and I think that when we persevere in working with our children, we’ll get to our goal of one day being able to sit as a family at Mass “
This. Exactly. I make it a point not to have opinions about the cry room for anyone else but my own family. For right now, that’s how we are able to go to Mass with our 4 kids 4 and under. We are teaching them about the Mass and how to behave once they are more able. I really don’t care for the idea of anyone judging that decision.
I’m lucky that I have never needed to use the cry room. My son has always done pretty well at Mass, although I’m not one to remove him at every little peep. If he starts talking, a reminder usually does the trick. When he was a baby, if he started crying and I couldn’t get him to stop after a minute, I would take him to the back. But that rarely happened. However, I know that all babies and children are different, have different temperaments, different energy levels. I think cry rooms are a good thing for certain types of kids, although I don’t think they should be full of toys.
We spent most of the boys’ early years in the crying room, which was nice on the one hand as we didn’t have to deal with people giving us dirty looks when they got loud or active (which happened often!). Now that they are almost-five and almost-three, we are starting to work on transitioning to the main body of the church. And here’s the problem with all those years in the crying room: they now associate church with the freedom to scamper around and play loudly with toy cars. It’s a bit of an uphill battle to get them “contained” in the pews. So that’s the downside of the crying room, as I see it—it got my kids in the mindset that church is about playing without needing to be quiet.
The transition is coming along slowly. So far, we do best when we sit in the back pew (easy access out if needed!) and leave the cars at home (they make way too much noise shooting along a wooden pew). I’ve started tucking in lacing cards and books they don’t normally get to look at in the diaper bag, along with the goldfish crackers, of course. And when my husband sits on one end and I’m on the other, with the boys in the middle, they stay relatively well-contained.
I do think that every family is different and there is not one-size-fits-all with regard to this question. That said, I do sort of wish that we had been a bit better about enforcing “good crying room behavior” when they were younger, so the transition into the actual church were a bit easier. But hey—hindsight is 20/20.
Exactly, there is no one-size-fits-all approach, and sometimes it’s impossible to anticipate what the best approach will be. We all need to be more forgiving toward other families who are trying to figure it out. I have been attacked on this blog for letting my son occasionally eat cheerios or drink juice from a sippy cup during Mass, which I find ironic since he behaves so well at Mass. Luckily I haven’t received any dirty looks from parishioners, but it’s disheartening to see how critical fellow parents and Catholics can be about this issue.
My local parish has a cry room. But you can’t get to it once Mass starts, because to access it you have to walk down a narrow hall behind the crucifix above the altar—not the place you want to carry a noisy toddler through during Mass. And right now, since the sanctuary has no AC, the door between the vesting room and the altar is open, and you have to cross through the vesting room to get to the hallway. You have go to the cry room before Mass starts if you think you might need it.
There is no wall between the sanctuary and the narthex, just columns, so that is also a no-go. The almost-three-year-old and I spend a lot of time walking around on the grounds or in the hallway of the adjacent parish center. Someday I may get to hear a whole homily or participate in the Eucharist prayers again…
I have only been to a church with a cry room once - it was a wedding outside of Atlanta. And I was pretty shocked - closed circuit TV, toys, etc. My son was not even three months old and he wasn’t too thrilled with the use of incense, so we went back there. The only people who were pious (for want of a better term) were the Catholics/lapsed Catholics. There kids were constantly being refocused to the mass. The non-Catholic kids were running amok through the cry room.
This has been a real struggle for my family with just myself (3 kids and pregnant) and husband deployed. Perhaps this is too much background info…
My eldest (4 then) became very mean, especially during Mass. There was no cry room, no nursery, and no place to take all the children out. It was physically and mentally exhausting. I tried taking them to daily mass to train them, but that failed too. It was the hardest decision for me to contact my husband to ask him to help contact the head priest in our area. However, a pastor doesn’t have the authority to grant the dispensation we seeked. Yet, Church Law does provide for a dispensation in cases like ours.
My case is extreme, I know, but 2181 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church mentions illness and specifically mentions the “care of children” as cases in which one is excused from attending Mass.
Knowing that I wanted to go back, we practiced sitting still, playing the Obey Game (kinda like Simon Says, but you have to sit still on the floor, say yes Mama/Mame when told to do something, and then to report back with a smile and sit down). I am learning that through out the entire day we prepare our children for Mass. Asking them to sit still at different times throughout the day, read a book, talk quietly, etc. has really helped.
I really do not think God would send someone to hell for the situation you are describing. Getting a dispensation is a formality but I don’t think it alters God’s decision—God understands.
I can only imagine how hard it was for you. If I had a teenage daughter I would loan her to you for Mass:)
And people who miss Mass for those reasons listed in the catechism (illness, caring for children, being homebound, etc) don’t have to get a dispensation. I sought a dispensation once when going to Mass on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day was too painful for me (because I was dealing with infertility, miscarriages, etc and my parish is way over-the-top with Mother’s Day). My situation was not listed in the catechism. But if it had been, I wouldn’t have bothered seeking a dispensation.
I think the age of 3-5 for boys is the worst for daddy to be deployed. Their pain always seems to come out in violence. God knows what is in your heart. If you want to be at Mass, but do not have the strength to face that due to extenuating circumstances, then there is no sin. It is when you don’t care about missing Mass, or when you find it easy to make excuses for why you are missing it that you have a problem.
michelle, that explains so much about my little guy. he’s 3.5 and papa is deployed and he has been playing SO ROUGH with other kids. he’s pretty good at home (although annoying to his 10 mo old brother, but not more so than before), but really acting out with other children.
can’t believe i didn’t connect it to his father being gone…. so thanks for mentioning.
Lina, when my 2nd oldest was 3-4, his dad was gone and this kid was the absolute worst kid on the planet. I have 3 kids (5 and under) and then gave birth to #4 half-way through. I really needed physical and mental breaks on occasion, but this kid was getting 100 A+ in Does Not Play Well With Others. I could not leave him for playdates with friends who offered to help if they had children in the same age range (and they all did). I couldn’t even leave him with my in-laws because he bit my FIL, convincing them that it was my bad parenting that was to blame. My only resorts were one friend who was very sympathetic (she’s a saint), another friend who would come over when her kids were in school, and my 22 yo babysitter. I, too, did not realize that it was the deployment until another mother of a 3 yo boy shared her problems with me. Then I started paying attention and I have yet to see a well-adjusted boy in that age range if daddy is deployed. I hope your little guy makes it through ok, and that YOU make it through ok, too!
I just read the article by Deacon Greg that was linked. Someone compared cry rooms to contraception!!! This topic sure hits some buttons for some.
If you use a cry room and there are others in there who don’t control their kids—don’t give them dirty looks and talk about them in the car ride on the way home. Instead, take a minute after mass and introduce yourself. A welcoming face means so much to some. Not everyone is at the same place in their faith journey and you have no idea what they are going thru.
I’ve found that the best way to raise the piety level in the cry room is by good example. I’ve noticed that when one person kneels it sets off a chain reaction of others kneeling. When one parent patiently explains what is happening to their child and redirects them towards the mass it encourages other parents to do the same.
I also think some of the issues in cry rooms can be attributed to the cry rooms themselves. They are almost always in the back of the church, poorly lit, furthest away from the action and with a sound system so poor even adults strain to hear what is happening. Too often they are also used as storage rooms with junk piled on the sides. A very poor environment to train children for the mass and a clear message that you are not part of what is happening in the mass but rather a second class citizen putting in your time in a sort of mass half way house.
There is a newer church in our diocese that is beautifully built through and through but what impressed me the most is that the cry rooms are spacious, beautifully appointed and most importantly in the center of the church where families with really young ones can feel like they are part of the congregation, a welcome and valued part of what is happening at mass. Oh that all families could be blessed with such a church!
I agree that we need to do what works best for our families, and I agree that a church without children is without life, and I am definitely annoyed by an attitude that children should be completely silent and still or else removed. I don’t mind the babbling of a happy baby, even if it is loud, and don’t mind the momentary crying that happens when a hungry infant demands food and is quickly pacified. But I have to draw the line at inconsolable crying or screaming. We used to attend Mass at a parish with the most patient pastor who really understood how young children, especially boys, squirmed and fussed. He never made anyone feel uncomfortable if their child babbled or had occasional outbursts. But one time, a child began screaming during his homily and the parents just sat there. Nobody could hear anything else. He stopped his homily until they finally took the child out. This church did not have a crying room, and the whole time we attended, the vestibule was under renovation. When it was done (right as we were moving) it went from being a tiny anti-room to being a large, airy gathering space with a big window to the sanctuary and speakers so you could clearly hear the Mass. Sunday after Sunday while my husband was deployed, he watched me drag one or more kids out of Mass to the outdoors, regardless of the weather. And Sunday after Sunday, he apologized that the renovation was taking so long. Another church we attended built a brand-new church and they did the same thing: made a large vestibule with glass doors to the sanctuary and sound piped in. My MIL wanted to know why they hadn’t built a crying room, and I pointed out that the 9:30 Mass was filled to the 1000 seating capacity, and almost every single family there had one or more young children. “The whole church needs to be a crying room,” I said. It was a joyfully noisy Mass.
I agree with you, Michelle. Churches need to be welcoming to young children and accepting of the fact that they aren’t going to be like silent little church mice all the time. But parents also need to have some consideration and temporarily remove the kids when they’re crying inconsolably or running around. Also, I read the comments on the article that Rachel had referenced (some of the comments were unbelievable!), and I have to say that I don’t think it would be appropriate to change a diaper in the pew. But I have nothing against a mother nursing in the pew, particularly if it’s done discretely.
I love the cry room. However, I despise going into one in any parish around us. I don’t understand why families without wee ones choose to sit in them. Most of the time, the people in them are families with teenagers. The whole family will not participate in the mass. They will not say any of the prayers, sing, kneel at the consecration, etc. I just wonder why they even come to mass?! Then, their presence in the cry room takes up space for families that need to use them. I also dislike when parents let their children run wild while they have conversations with other parents. It’s very frustrating. We try our best to participate in the Mass while we are using the cry room. Our children know our expectations and know that they need to be quiet even though kids around them are not.
The cry room at my church doesn’t have any signs. And I wouldn’t favor a sign against eating or drinking, because I think that should be left up to the discretion of the parents. As I’ve mentioned many times, I occasionally let my son have a sippy cup or some cheerios during Mass, depending on the timing of the Mass and his meals. This has not resulted in disrespect toward the Mass, to the contrary he is usually one of the best behaved toddlers in church (and consequently we haven’t needed the cry room, but I feel that it would be hypocritical to forbid kids from eating and drinking in the cry room when they are allowed to in the sanctuary at their parents’ discretion).
Mary- That is what drives me the most bonkers about cry rooms- is when families with kids who are clearly too old to be there are sitting in there. I’ve seen that so often and then when you are in there with your crying kid you almost feel like you don’t belong there either.
Raising my hand as an occasional user of the cry room with a child who is not a toddler. My just turned 7 year old has high functioning autism and ADHD. She also has seizures. Although we are working with a huge team of specialists on her issues she is generally much more difficult to manage at mass than our 4 year old twins and we do, on occasion, remove her to the cry room. The problem is for all intents and purposes she presents like a perfectly normal, albeit it poorly behaved child who lacks discipline. I’m quite sure there are probably some families annoyed with us for taking up “their space” in the cry room. My point is, you never know so judge prudently.
The crying room has been a blessing to me on occasion, and many of my friends. Now that my youngest is 3, I take her to the gathering space instead. I only used the crying room when they were babies. I completely agree with the poster who said that if we set a good example in the crying room, others tend to follow. I too, started kneeling after I saw another parent kneel on the floor in the crying room (honestly, it didn’t occur to me to kneel without kneelers). Then I found when I kneeled, other people started to kneel as well. Also, a couple of us moms asked for the bin of toys to be removed and it was. Sometimes it’s as simple as asking for the changes you’d like to see to make the crying room a better place to take your kids when necessary. I’ve been in old churches and I can’t even describe the panic I felt when I realized there was absolutely no place to take a screaming child, except outside, in the winter! (The bathrooms weren’t an option because they were up near the altar). Although I’m not a fan of the new architecture of churches, they do tend to have many places to escape with a little one!
I’m very fortunate that both my kids loved to nurse, anytime and anywhere. What got us through church services and later Mass was the front row plus nursing. I used to tease our deacon that my little girl always slept through his homilies. I babysat a non-Catholic girl who came to Mass only when her big brother was in school, once per week. When she learned to walk, it got really hard, and I would often let her climb up and down the balcony stairs. She was verbal and intelligible at 18mo and would sing along and demand alleluias, but when she wanted to leave, there was/is no hiding it. One thing that helped her was to do a tour of the sanctuary and sacristy after Mass, and every time we came in together to take care of the flowers at a non-Mass time. She me the priest and deacon, changed candles, checked out the tabernacle, etc, and that seemed to take care of some of the boredom. We’ll see what happens when school starts again in a few weeks!
I wonder if cry rooms are something of a regional thing. I live in the Archdiocese of Baltimore (where I was born and raised) and I know I have seen a cry room at some point in my life, but I can’t honestly tell you where. I’ve never attended a parish that had one. My current church was built in the 1800’s and has a very small vestibule that is not air conditioned. In the recent heat, it’s been (literally) unhealthy to stand back there. So, my poor husband has had to take our 13-month old outside to walk around under the trees. While I don’t think I’d ever start mass in a cry room, I suppose it might be nice to have the option of going to one if you need to take your child out. (I, too, am somewhere in the middle when it comes to children making noise in mass. If they’re just occasional, I find a child’s noises in mass uplifting—a reminder of the future of our Church. But when they get to the point where they’re distracting folks from the mass, I think it’s appropriate and considerate for the parent to take them out.)
As a mother of 8, including a just-turned-one-year-old, I am a big fan of cry rooms. I am one of those people (how funny is this?) who cannot STAND interruptions during Mass. Yes, I do pray about it and try to offer it up, but the truth is that it brings me to tears. I find it that unsettling. I understand wanting to train kids (I’ve got a lot of ‘em!) in Mass, but there are people like me who are struggling so hard to be gracious, when every fiber of their being is rebelling. God bless those who ARE able to offer words of grace to parents of noisy kids!... so, when it’s *our* kid that’s making noise, we are quick to take him out and go into the cry room. Our rule, whether in the sanctuary, the narthex, or the cry room, remains the same—the child remains in our arms, or on our laps, until Mass ends. I cannot begin to say how many months we went through with each child, taking turns holding a squirming octopus who just wanted to get down and play. At about 16 months for each of them, however, they finally “give up” and realize that Mass time isn’t a time for moving around. It’s hard, but that’s what has worked for us! So, as we are in that training time with our youngest, the rest of the family sits right up in the front row so they can see what’s going on. [my kids are 13, 12, 10, 9, 7, 5, 3, and 1] May God bless all of us who are ALL struggling to do what’s right for our families, and trying to pass on the Faith to the next generation!
My son is so naughty at mass that after a year of me spending every single week walking him around the back if the church (from about 6 months to 18 months old), we gave up and go to Mass separately which I hate. We work on sitting still & being quiet at home, but it seems like walking into church erases any progress he’s made. I went to the cry room once. It was full of quiet, well-behaved children and their parents who were paying attention to the Mass. The small enclosed space seemed to only highlight the fact that my toddler was screaming and squirming. It’s so frustrating to feel unwelcome at Church simply because your child is exhibiting age-appropriate behavior and happens to be an intense, noisy little person!
Rachel, I’d like to ask you and your readers about my situation. My son Simon is disabled (non-mobile, non-verbal) and rarely goes to Mass with us because he likes to “talk”. Which is like aaaaah and mmmmmm, sometimes quite loudly. It’s probably a stimulation for him, he doesn’t need anything so therefore, you can’t stop him! I worry so much that his “chatter” will be a disruption to people’s prayerfulness. On the other hand, I know he deserves to be there and it can actually be a good thing for others to see him as a well-loved, worthy member of our family and of society.
I just don’t know what to do. Thank you!
Oh and there is no cry room which I agree with, but in my situation could make an ideal solution.
Gretchen, you should take your son to Mass with you. It may take a few weeks for others to get used to his presence, but attending at the same time and sitting in the same area will help. Once people learn that he is disabled, they should be understanding. Those who are distracted can sit on the opposite side of the church or avoid your Mass time. At my church, there is a young boy, maybe 9 or 10, who wears a T-shirt: be nice to my parents, I have autism. It breaks my heart that his parents feel he needs to wear it. It’s a lesson for us all in charity, and in assuming extenuating circumstances for less than perfect behavior, even if things appear to be clear.
I agree, take your son to mass with you! Our disabled children need the grace of the mass just as much as anyone else! My friends with children with Down Syndrome and CP often take their children to mass and yes, occasionally they vocalize as you’ve described, but is a blessing and beautiful witness to have these children at mass!
I learned when going to Rome last year that there weren’t pews in the churches until after the protestant reformation. People would walk around the entire church while mass was going on, sometimes even holding markets believe it or not!! (Not saying that this is right). So, sometimes I walk my son (in the back) of the sanctuary but don’t leave the sanctuary. He usually stops crying once I start walking. I figured that’s what many Catholic moms did centuries ago!!
Also, some Orthodox still practice similarly to this. My friend is a Byzantine Catholic and during Mass, they frequently walk around the sanctuary praying in front of saints and frescoes, etc while Mass is going on. You will also see this happening in the Cathedrals and Basilicas of Rome, including St. Peter’s. I just wanted to point this out because I thought it was interesting to this discussion.
Expecting and needing dead silence during mass, such as you might find in a cloistered monastery is culturally conditioned. I grew up in a very large ethnic urban church at the height of the baby boom with no cry room and there were ALWAYS several babies crying at any given moment. Your brain tunes it out and you don’t even notice it. Then we moved to a small suburban parish with a cry room and there was silence. But the silence was actually more distracting to me because any tiny thing like a cough or sniffle or a purse dropping was extremely distracting. The constant hum of kids in the background of my large church was the least distracting for me. Right now, due to the priest shortage, we are trending toward mega-churches in my diocese. I think this will get us back to being used to background noise again.
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