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Posted by Lisa Hendey in Family on Tuesday, May 22, 2012 9:00 AM
“Second Child’s Mom” wrote me this past week and shared this photo of a golden-haired cutie snacking off of the floor. To protect the innocent, she shall remain nameless, but I will say that I personally know this mom well and can totally vouch for her parenting skills.
The photo made both of us chuckle. This is “Second Child Mom’s” toddler who came after a ten year wait and struggle with infertility. “First Child” was so loved, and parented so beautifully that he has gone into his junior high years and met with both academic and social success.
As is the case with so many of our kids, “Second Child” spends much of his time chasing after big brother’s activities. He is a precious little one, full of life and always smiling. He’s also a testament to beautiful—but different—parenting.
As a mom of two boys, I know from firsthand experience how different my “Second Child’s” world was and is from what his big brother knew. As a first time mom, I was in many ways less experienced and also more particular. Things had to be done a certain way—my way—and deviation from my desired structure drove me a bit crazy.
Then entered my “Second Child”. I might as well have taken my parenting manual and burned it. What worked with “First Child” seemed altogether wrong or ineffective with his baby brother. This has continued to be the case for the past seventeen years and counting. In so many ways, “Second Child” has taught me about what’s most important, and how to survive by going with the flow. Yes, some battles deserve to be fought, but others can be set to the side while we enjoy a random Cheerio or two that may have slipped off the placemat…
How about you? Have you been consistent with your parenting of multiple children or do you find that you parent each child with a slightly different set of rules? Are you more or less relaxed with subsequent children? Was your own mother consistent with her parenting of you and your siblings?
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Even though I cannot comment on parent a second child (we have one sweet 6 year old and secondary infertility), your post (2nd paragraph) has given me encouragement! No matter what happens in the future, I am working to embrace the one blessing we have, and praying for protection from the lies that claim our small family is bad, our family is deficient, our child is severely lacking due to no siblings, etc. Thanks for the boost!
B, I just wanted to quickly share something a wise and devout friend once shared with me (she also had secondary infertility.)
She was talking to another mom with a very large family one day, and wistfully said something about wishing for a big, perfect catholic family. The mom-of-many said, “Sweetheart, your family is great just the way it is. Never forget the only perfect family that ever was had only one Child. It was just Mary, Joseph, and our Lord.”
Blessings to you from a mom of four—the Lord is kind and merciful, and he has plans to help us, not hurt us.
Prayers for you….and hope as we also dealt with 2ndry infert. along with multiple misc. and losses….7 years later and right after we “gave up” and decided to just concentrate on the gift we had we were blessed with our 2nd…..and nearly the same time frame later the Lord showed his sense of humor (or perhaps his own timing plans) and blessed us with our “bonus blessing”.... in a time we would not have picked—-in circumstances that were “not right” and left us turned inside out again….and He proved it to be “the perfect time”. It’s never easy but I LOVE the comment about the Holy Family and wish someone had pointed that out to me so long ago!
I love this article! We have a 9 year old “perfect” first child! I have been truly blessed with her, and in many ways, I learn from her example. After 7 years of secondary infertility, “Second child” is due to arrive in about 5 weeks. Already, this child is different in utero than first child. Ex. sleeps during the day and awake and kicking all night! I am very nervous about how our family dynamic will change, and if our displinary style will have to change. As much as we have prayed and begged God for another child, we have become very used to our quiet lifestyle. Pray for me as we enter this new phase in life! BTW…after being told that there was ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with me (fertility wise), we made the switch from Sympto-Thermal to Creighton. Within 3 months of extensive charting and testing, my doctor figured out what was wrong, and within the first 2 months of implementing his plan, we were pregnant! Never lose Hope!
Ooh Laura, that is such cool news - my 2 friends and I are working on bringing CrMS to New Zealand and stories like that just make me so excited about it all! Two of us are halfway through our training and encountering quite a “yawn” mentality from the Church here so far and it is SO expensive for us to try and do the training. I wish our Bishops could read more testimonials like yours to give them a few things to think about (and maybe loosen the purse strings - sigh). Congrats and all the blessings of a good labour and birth!
Laura,
I am so happy to hear another story like mine! I am due in October and feel your excitement! We didn’t have enough money to see a fertility specialist and waited for 3 years to see one. When I went to the appointment I found out I was pregnant! MY dh was having his blood pressure taken outside the while I was inside and I came out yelling and screaming…he says he figured it out before I told him. My God bless your child immensely!
I give my 2nd much more freedom than my first mainly because I had to, but also because I’m sure I’m more relaxed - although I doubt many moms I know would characterize me as an uptight mom in any way. I joke that I’m going to emancipate our 3rd at 2 as she’s already so independent at 8 mos.
The first two have wildly different personalities that have educated my husband and I in radically different ways. Jury’s still out on #3.
I could write volumes on this since I only have two boys and they are also far apart in age (five years). He was raised in a perfectlly controlled environment. It’s impossible to do that the second time around. So first always complains that second gets to do and see things I wouldn’t let him to at the same age. And it’s true. But it’s impossible to raise second in the exact same environment.
Plus their personalities are complete opposites so of course I have to do things differently with each. But I wouldn’t say I’m more laid back and less uptight with raising the second than the first because it’s still only two kids. Maybe if I had four or five I would start to let go more. I would think that if you keep having kids you reach critical mass at some point where you just can’t worry about everything anymore.
OH, my, yes! I have an about to turn 3 year old and and 5.5 month old. Their personalities are very different anyway, but just out of necessity I do treat them differently in parenting styles. I do feel guilty, but there is NO way I could have held DD as much as DS. I was very attachment parenting with my son and though I love the ideas behind AP, it feels good to be more “free” with my parenting.
One thing we will do differently is get messy! My DH always tried to keep messes in bounds (he’s slightly OCD) and he finally realized when he was still feeding out 2.5 year old with a spoon that he’d created a monster. DD will be allowed to go at it! Also, the helicopter thing has got to go! DS is such a sensitive and fearful little one :( (i think part temperament) so I’m learning to let go and let him explore more. I think DD is just naturally going to be more of an explorer.
Good post!
With my first child, the diaper bag was packed with every conceivable supply. By the time no. three got here, I grabbed a diaper and a travel pack of wipes and off we’d go. Yes, I became more relaxed. God was good in that he never sent me more than I could handle.
ugh… I must be a terrible parent because I have allowed my first to eat off of the floor a time or two… or three… But, I definitely do not allow this to measure how good of a parent that I am. It happens! That said, I am pregnant with #2 and I am sure HE will wear a pink hooded towel or purple socks from time to time. No harm!
This made me smile - just the other day I texted to my sister a picture of my 11 month old eating cheerios and crackers off the floor with the caption “you know you are a mom of 3 when seeing this your first thought isn’t ‘i should stop her’ but rather ‘great! now i don’t have to vacuum’ “.
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