KC - What a great question! I’d love to hear what everyone else has to say! The books I’ve felt to be most helpful for me are - “The Five Love Languages” by Chapman, “The Temperament God Gave You” by Bennett and “For Better…Forever” by Popcak. A priest just recommended “How we Love” by Milan and Kay Yerkovich, but I haven’t even looked at it yet.

I’d highly recommend “Three to Get Married” by Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen & “By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride” by Dr. Alice von Hildebrand.  I also really enjoy the sermons written by St. John Chrysostom on the topics of marriage & family.

I received two great books as enagement gifts - William May’s “Marriage: THe Rock on Which the Family is Built” and Frederick Marks “A Catholic Handbook for Engaged and Newly Married couples.”

They are AWESOME.  Both are dogeared and well-loved from their re-reading, and I’ve used both and their citations to t each high school marriage/sexuality/sacramental courses.  Love!

While not a “marriage” book - I loved reading Love Letters to My Husband by St. Gianna when I was engaged.  It truly inspired me in how to view the vocation I would be undertaking from the perspective of a fairly modern working mom.

Stormie O’Martian’s Power of a Praying Wife ... Not Catholic but helped me tremendously nonetheless.

I would second “For Better, Forever” and “The Good News About Sex & Marriage”

For me, nothing beats a good story, so my recommendations are fiction (though I can’t wait to dip into some of the other suggestions here):

‘Redeeming Love’ by Francine Rivers
(based on the biblical book of Hosea… my husband gave this one to me for Valentine’s day a few years ago, and I’ve read it several times since… it’s literally changed my life, and the lives of everyone to whom I’ve gifted it)

‘Arms of Love’ & ‘Surrender’ by Carmen Marcoux

My husband read and liked the above books, too… they gave us a lot to talk about, cry through, laugh over… and GROW… individually, and as a couple!

Trilogy: ‘Pierced by a Sword’ ‘Conceived Without Sin’ ‘House of Gold’ by Bud MacFarlane, Jr. (Not striclty about marriage, but about life and living it in light of the sacraments)

I received “The Power of a Praying Wife’ by Stormie Omartian as a bridal shower gift… the best gift I received… it prepared me for marriage in ways nothing else could have, and since my husband has read ‘Power of a Praying Husband’ and we have read ‘Power of a Praying Parent’ These are books that can change your life if you let them.

My spiritual director had me read Dietrich Von Hildebrand’s “Marriage: The Mystery of Faithful Love” during my engagement; it’s very beautiful. Though I’ve not read it, I’ve heard Kristen Lavrensdatter is a very powerful fictional presentation of and reflection on marriage.

I love (and give as wedding gifts) the Popcak’s “For Better Forever”

I used to have this issue with dh.  In his memory, his mother ran a tight ship and no one ever argued with her, and everyone did everything the first time s/he was asked.  However, I knew him as a teen and had heard him talk back, accounts of arguments, etc.  So at least I had the comfort of knowing it wasn’t quite as perfect as all that.  My recommendation is to take a day (preferably two in a row!) off and leave dh in charge.  He may do some things better than you (mine did), but the amount of work involved in being Mom for a day or two helps a lot.  Also, he will have a chance to see your daughter at her best times of day, instead of just the worst.

I agree that leaving your husband with the kids for a couple days might help him gain a new perspective.  On the other hand, it may give you a new perspective.  I discovered after a stay in the hospital that my kids were capable of more than I was requiring of them.  Also, and you probably already know this - you shouldn’t have undermined your husband’s authority in front of your daughter.  If you thought he was being too harsh, you should have pulled him aside and discussed it in private.

Sarah, I agree that as much as possible you want to provide a united front to your kids, but as some one who occasionally feels the need to protect my kids when my husband is out of hand, it’s simply not always possible to ‘pull them aside’.  There are moments when they aren’t willing to be pulled aside and instead have to be stepped in front of.  There are things that simply cannot be allowed.  As much as I can, I try to stay out of it and discuss it with my husband when he’s calmer, but there are times when I feel I must intervene.

I also suggest trying to get all the ugly “business” done before he comes home: toys picked up, dinner made.  If what he sees is the culmination of a day’s play, it may overwhelm him.  And asking tired kids at the end of the day to pick up is too much.  If you do a before dinner tidy, and only have one or two things left for after dinner to put away, it might make for a smoother evening.  Also, I do try to address these issues in the morning, when it’s not a hot issue and everybody can be calm(er).

Speaking from the other side of the fence -=- As a dad, who’s job can sometimes be stressful, it’s difficult to come home to a house that is in disarray or there’s yelling and meltdowns when you just spent the day trying to fix things for others.  We all handle it differently.  I’m an introvert and and admittedly can sometimes be passive aggressive.  I know it’s very difficult for my wife sometimes - as much as we both love our kids - it’s just hard some days.  At the same time we’re guys and as such we like to fix things and sometimes depending on how the day has gone we don’t always handle it the same way from day to day.  Sometimes we can be understanding and sometimes our frustration gets the best of us and we blow it.  There have been more times than i care to remember that that has happened.  And when it has I’ve always gone back to my children and, depending on their age, either have apologized and asked for forgiveness or if too young to understand, will re-engage with them and show them that Dad still loves them.  If they pull away then I still pursue them to show them in action that they are loved and treasured.
I hope I’m not overstepping but I’ll offer a couple of suggestions: 

Reach out to your husband and tell him you’d like to talk and not argue.  You need to have him listen to you and that you want to listen to his side as well.  Agree to not interrupt and to listen with an open heart before responding.  Tell your husband your grouchy (he obviously knows but still…) and tell him why.  Share with him the things you are struggling with with each of the children.  We spend a lot of time away from the home so it’s often that we don’t know the little things that are going on as far as changes the kids are going through so be the one that shares that with him.  This also helps us feel like we are getting to know our kids better even though we aren’t there. 

Second, if you have a smartphone or a camera share these times with him by sending him pictures or videos during the day.  I love it when my wife sends me pictures or videos from her iPhone.  They will just brighten the day and remind me of the reasons I’m here at work.  It also makes me think of things that I would like to do with the kids on the weekends.  It’s easy to lose focus on what’s important and that just helps.  If no smartphone then just a camera and email.  If no camera then just share those stories once he gets home.

Third, have a date night!  This can be either out of the house or decide to get some late night takeout once the kids are down and watch a movie or some other fun thing.  This has been a big deal for me.  To feel like we are a couple again has made a big difference in our home life.  Feeling like a couple sounds very simple - well, we’re married right - but with the everyday hustle and bustle it can sometimes feel like it’s more a battle zone where you’re choosing your battles and trying to maintain some semblance of order.  Date night - where it’s just the two of you or you meet some other couples makes you feel more like a real couple in love.  Did I say this has been a big deal for me/us?

I hope some of this makes sense.

All of you, thank you so much!!  Just a dad… you sound a lot like my husband (introvert and sometimes passive aggressive, yet also very interesting in developing a good relationship with the kids!)  I appreciate your perspective so, so much; thanks for taking the time to type it all up.  We haven’t had a date night since… uh… maybe our 1st wedding anniversary (almost 4 years ago).  I can see that we really need to start doing this as a chance to be a married couple (and a chance to talk without the kids hearing everything we say).  I will see what we can do!  Also, the photo thing is a great idea.  I will do that, too.

As far as stepping in and undermining my husband’s authority.  My thought was that he was coming into the house and “changing the rules” (all of a sudden all toys had to be picked up by the preschooler all by herself, etc.) when I have always had this be a “mom and daughter” job we do together… she was SO SO confused and hurt.  I just could not stand by and let my husband insist like “this is the way it always is.”  When it was NOT the way it always is.  If that makes sense?  Anyway, I think the best way to prevent this in the future is to start some date nights with my husband and there, away from the kids, talk about the way things are at home so we can be on the same page with rules, etc. 

Again, thanks everyone!!

I’m a little late to this post, but I remember this situation too when my daughter was 4. My dh yelled at my daughter for not being “serious” about putting away folded clothes! She was running around laughing becuase she was happy! I was furious of course, over this and other issues, that were so difficult when our child was young. We only had one, (God was wise although I didn’t think so at the time), and we had married later, but the issues came up nonethless, and are definitely related to how YOU were raised, what made you feel loved and what didn’t. Sometimes the pain is deep, and sometimes it is less deep. Loving and being loved is never easy. My husband was one of 8 and their mother did EVERYTHING while dad made the money, and definitely had more fun than she did. My husband has a lot of pain that he wasn’t loved more by his dad (although he can’t talk about it), and guilt that he didn’t love/help his mother more ( he did help when he could, being the youngest of the older four it was often left to him to mind the younger four which wasn’t fair). Some things break when you are young, and don’t get “fixed”. My husband also could never bring himself to build our daughter a tree house. I hurt for many years over this, but time has mellowed me, and our daughter forgave him. Today she is almost 14, and he is her best champion and supporter. (Now I am the cranky one!!!!)  Today I see it this way: when you become a parent, you have a DOUBLE DUTY:1) to provide a loving childhood for your children as much as you can, and 2) to “raise yourself up” to the level of a true adult and not the child you were, by forgiving yourself and your spouse for not being perfect.  This takes TIME, but it can happen if you don’t give up on either of you.  I often slept with a rosary under my pillow for strength and consolation during those years.  Now I am thinking of becoming a counselor myself.  DON’T GIVE UP…GOD ALWAYS LOVES US.  God bless you!

Can YOU do anything to help you be less tired and thereby give a better impression to him of a mom with some many little ones?  (Hire cleaning help, plan more outings and fresh air for everyone, make sure the house is at least tidy (stuff the junk in a bag and hide it if you have to), etc.)?  I find it a big help to put my best foot forward for my husband.

Also, well, I mean is it really obvious to him you’re not as interested in uniting when you’re not fertile?  I would just stop talking about this fact.  Again, I would give it my best go in the infertile times.  Make them really special.  We have been abstaining for multiple weeks at a time (I’m breastfeeding) and my husband gets the “green light” about one day every other month.  I make a BIG deal out of it.  

Final thought: what’s the “point” here?  Your husband doesn’t want you to be run down and unhappy.  He wants you to like your life and like making love to him.  Make him perceive that you DO… *whatever* the circumstances.  Then he may not see NFP as *so* bad.  Meanwhile, I’d save the vents for your girlfriends… you husband clearly wants to “fix” things for you and in this case it seems to mean turning way from the “cause” of your sorrow: NFP.  “Put on a happy face” as my Dad used to sing to me in the morning when I was a child…

(P.S. ~ Not saying this is “all your fault” or “all your problem.”  I just think there is SOMETHING you can do to help, or at least try to help.  Ultimately its his issue.  But the only one you can change is you.)

I just want to say I’m praying for you Sonia!  It’s hard enough to get through the day with four little ones without the stress of feeling like you have to “keep it together” so that the children aren’t “held against” you/the Church’s teachings.  I feel like I have to keep my low moments between myself and God largely b/c I don’t want my husband to think that we can’t handle more children.  It’s nothing as severe as in your case and it seems this is only necessary for certain seasons of our life, but it’s hard nonetheless, so to imagine your sadness being so much greater really saddens me.  You and your husband will be in my prayers!

I think “anon"s comments were right on and actually helpful for me as well.  We currently haved 7 and many times my hubby has commented how he feels it would probably not be best for ME and my sanity to have any more.  I guess I truly need to convey to him how much I love taking care of this family and make sure that when he comes home, that all appears well!  I think she is right about the intimacy issue as well.  I am so tired at night, it’s all I can do to say goodnight and roll away!  Hint hint, buddy, I’m tired!  Guess I’ll have to stop that, huh?? 
Sonia, I also think you need to pray for your husband.  Ask the Holy Spirit to guide him and pray for St Joseph’s intercession as well.  I will pray for you as well.  God bless.

Angie, I’m the “anon” from above and just want to add: on rough nights when I just want to roll away, too, I remind myself I did *choose* to get married!  It seems obvious, but sometimes its funny how easy it is to act like I got kidnapped and forced into this vocation against my will!  If I chose marriage and motherhood (which I did), why not find all the things I love about it, and live like I’m grateful for the choice I made?!  Afterall, the alternative would be a life without my almost-always-wonderful husband and my almost-always-fabulous kids… and a life without them would be very-entirely-yuck!!  So that is what I tell myself.

It sounds like your marriage really needs some counseling and wise intervention.  Being open to life starts at the gift of conception but it is vitally important that your marriage also be nutured in the midst of raising your children.

  I’ve seen a mom walk this road which you describe. She eventually had a breakdown and had to separate from her husband because over the years without a healthy marriage and her husband’s help raising a large family it was too much for her to bear.  She was not able to take care of herself with the demands of having many children spaced closed together and a husband that was not available emotionally or physically to be present and help out.  I don’t say this to scare you but just to say get the help now. Find a priest or a counselor who can hear the 2 of you and address these issues you raise.  Do not let this go on and on.

I will offer some prayers for you today.  Yeah, 20 wks pregnant hormones can make everything seem worse, but since this has been going on longer than that there are still clearly some problems.  First I’d like to say that you are describing a lot of dads.  Not saying it’s right, but I think often times dads come home from work and decompress amidst the chaos - somehow.  Staying late at work may not be intentional to make his arrival time at home later.  Most dads that I know who work 40 hours and leave right when they can have lost their jobs.  Is it possible he has some work to finish before leaving or that he understands that his presence there at that time helps with job security?  As far as at home….could you pick one thing to ask him to help with?  Something simple and consistent and easy.  I’m thinking the bedtime prayers here.  I think so many men in our generation were raised to come home and do nothing (my dad did NOTHING except yard work - and my mom worked).  This may be what your dh knows to be the norm.  I would try to talk to him but also make sure that he has plenty of “free” time when he gets home from work - at least for now.  Maybe just ask for him to join the bedtime prayers for now?  Prayer has a way of working in more ways than one.  This sort of life isn’t fair and it’s not right but it’s also very normal.  That may be why someone complained.  But, the fact remains, you are not happy and you need some help.  I would approach it the same way as changing something with a child.  One small step at a time.  Peace.

On reflection, do you find that you are repeating patterns that you saw in your family growing up?  I remember my mom always criticizing (out loud or under her breath) my dad or just treating him with a critical spirit, and as a kid, it just hurt to see and hear that.  Now that I’m married, I find that those patterns I grew up with have followed me into my own marriage, and I’ve become determined that that kind of destructive behavior will stop with me.  I will not let it continue to “infect” my family tree.  It’s taken lots of counseling, spiritual direction, prayer and mindfulness to break these old habits of mind and of relating.  I don’t want them!  And I don’t want them for my children and their future families, either.  This is not to say that our husbands are angels and that we are totally “at fault,” but while we can’t necessarily control their jobs, habits, etc., we *can* control how we choose to react.  I constantly pray that I have the grace and fortitude to make the loving choice and respond with love.

I’m sorry that you were scolded the last time you raised this issue.  It doesn’t seem unreasonable to me at all, and I don’t know why someone would scold you for it.  I think that husbands need to realize that the best way to get attention from a mother with lots of kids to take care of, is to help ease her workload.  I know that if I spent 14+ hours/day taking care of 6 kids by myself without help, I would have nothing left to give anyone, including my husband.

I don’t have a lot of specific advice, but I agree that counseling can be hugely helpful, especially if you combine going as a couple with going separately.  catholictherapists.com is a good resource, but you could also ask around for recommendations from people in your area.  The counselor my family has worked with (starting back when I was in high school and dealing with depression/eating disorder) isn’t Catholic, but has still been an excellent resource and unbiased third party. 
Also, re: being scolded, nearly everyone on this forum is remarkably sane, especially for the internet, but there are a couple exceptions… so if one of the yellers shows up, don’t take it to heart.  Most of us are solidly in your corner with prayer or any other help we can give. 

Maybe you could start out with a marriage encounter or enrichment weekend?  Maybe that would help you reconnect and learn some tools to communicate better so you both get more of what you want?  Praying for your husband helps too.  But like someone else said, you need to do something because where you’re at isn’t where you want to be.

Prayers, I’m praying for you!  I can say that we are in the same boat (only I’m 20 weeks w/ #4).  It has taken a year of counseling on my part to learn how to “help” my husband and be his “help-meet” not just mother.  Finally, through many many long tearful talks he has realized that he isn’t his father, and he doesn’t need to exhibit his aggression from his childhood out on me (he would shutdown and fume over how “I” am making his life horrible.)  I know we have a lot of work to do, I pray he will find a counselor to help (right now only I am going). 
Part of what I’m trying to do is allow him to complete tasks around the house (I’ve just been doing everything as it is easier that way).  I also have to be able to cope if he doesn’t follow though—-which is often, but holding accountable is key.  (This isn’t working the best, though, currently on his day-off he is on hour 4 of playing video games….ahhhhhhhhh!!)
I’ll be praying for you and your marriage.

I’ll pray for you.  One small thing that has helped us—sorry if this is not relevant to you, but I’m just throwing it out there—is when I realized that I have to be really explicit and specific when I ask my husband for help, instead of assuming that he knows what I need help with, and then resenting him for not doing it.  Are you asking for help with kids’ bedtime, etc., and not getting it, or have you not asked?  If you have, maybe it would help if you started with one or two specific things and went from there?  Maybe a few things that you really dislike or are too tired for?  My therapist advised me to do this, and she said that also I can’t let it stop there—I can’t assume that because I told him “I really need your help with taking out the trash every night,” now he understands and will remember.  I need to ask him (nicely!) every time if necessary.  I need to get over the feeling that he should do it without being asked, and just swallow my pride and ask.  I’m not so good at this but I’m working on it, and I am always pleasantly surprised to see that my husband doesn’t mind helping me with these things at all; he’s just so busy and wrapped up in work and school that he doesn’t even notice that things aren’t getting done, or that I need help.

Wow, I would just be mad.  That’s it.  Queitly mad.  Let him see it.  Don’t vent.  Just be mad.  It might take awhile, but maybe he will ask why, eventually.  I would not accuse him.  I would just say something like, “I need some help with the kids.  Maybe we can hire a nanny.”  Outlandish idea?  Good!  He may realize he needs to step up to the plate.  I wouldn’t tell him to step up.  Let him figure it out.  He may have no clue there is a “use” for him around the house.  My husband reads books all evening.  When he seems me start to look exhasuted and exasperated, he usually perks up his ears and realizes I am drowning in stuff to do.  It took awhile of him seeing me get exhasted and finally sick (which left everything on his shoulders!) but now he asks right away what I need him to do.  I even sometimes ask him for help, but its rare.  My husband is the independent type.  He likes to think it was his idea to help.  I just put on my best “tired and overworked” face.  It might work for you, too.

There is certainly no magic fix, but we just have to look at each problem at a time to get better. And sometimes in the midst of exhaustion and hormones, EVERYTHING seems bad. Not to overly simplify anything or belittle any of the problems, but take a step back, take a deep breath, and know in many ways that this is a season of life. Anyone can relate to feeling burdened and exhausted by all that is “wrong,” so in no way are you wrong in feeling that.

Without a huge revolutionary change in your marriage, you can take small steps to make things better. I imagine your husband wants you to be happy and would like to help. One way is to express (and maybe several times!) exactly what you want/need. Not “I need you to help/support me” but concrete items that he can be responsible and accountable for. Like someone said above, give him one job and go from there.

I also know husbands want to decompress and relax when they come home, but in reality it may not be healthy for your family or marriage! Could his relaxation come an hour later when the kids are under control and in bed? Then you are less frazzled and can give him the attention he needs? I think when we see our spouse relaxing while we are overwhelmed or sleeping while we are exhausted a certain amount of resentment creeps into us each time. When the burden is shared, it is so much more manageable.

Sometimes what might seem common sense to us just doesn’t occur to husbands, not because they are stupid, but because they are different. They need specific direction in how to help because it just doesn’t seem necessary to xyz. When you can respectfully express your needs to him, it’s therefore in HIS court to contribute to your marriage and family. My husband and I did a great study, Love and Respect, and it really explains the difference in how we think. If nothing else, may we all lift each moment of hardship up to God and know that we are building the Kingdom!

I agree with Lilac’s comment—Rather than focusing on “He’s not doing a blasted thing!”, say “Would you please read Mary a story?” or “Could you help Joe brush his teeth?” I think I would have spent a lot less time fuming over the years if I had simply given a specific request.

I also agree with the comment that we shouldn’t bury, hide, and swallow our emotions. This isn’t license to scream and swear, but, my goodness, we’re talking about our life partners here. If we can’t be honest with them, who can we be honest with? I’ve comepletely fallen apart in front of my husband rarely, but those moments have shown him that I’ve reached the end of my rope. As my husband and the father of my children, he needs to know that.

And, let’s face it, all that anger comes out in some form or fashion anyway.

I have to first mention that I am extremely grateful for my husband, especially for his help with the house and kids on the weekends.  That being said, he still does some of the above things you and others have mentioned.  And when he does, I have said over and over in my head, “I could strangle him!”.  I didn’t even realize what a habit I had gotten into until one day it hit me—I need to change these thoughts or they will begin to infiltrate our relationship.  There is a scripture verse that states, “take every thought captive to obey Christ”, so I will literally say that verse when I have thoughts that are not charitable, etc.  I have also tried to break that habit by changing the thought with something like, “Bless my husband, Lord” or “Thank you, God, for my husband.”  I am slowly but surely starting to gain some ground with that habit. 

I agree with all of the above comments that state counseling (whether individual or as a couple), marriage enrichment weekends, good marriage books (I like For Better, Forever), and asking for his help with specific things.  As good and helpful as my husband is, I find that I still need to ask him for help with specific things like, “Will you help with baths while I finish dinner?”  I felt resentful that I even needed to ask, but as someone else stated, I found that he was happy to help and just needed to be pointed in the right direction.  (It’s a whole different story if he is completely unwilling to help even when asked, and that is where I think the counseling/renewal weekends would help a lot.)  Lastly, I’d like to echo the date night idea someone brought up earlier.  We are very commited to our date nights (at least once a month) and even if we can’t go out, we will spend “non-tv/computer/i-phone” time together on the porch having a glass of wine, etc.  It truly is indispensible to our marriage!

We will be praying for you!

Thank you ladies for your prayers and kind advice.  Let me first start off by saying that the last time I came here with this issue I was pregnant like I am now.  I hate that pregnancy does this to me, but for some reason all my husbands shortcomings are so exaggerated during pregnancy.  No matter what he does, good or bad, it irritates me.  Also I want to say that he is a great husband and father.  He is very helpful around the house when he is available and if I need help all I need to do is ask, like so many of you suggested.  I was really at a weak moment when I posted my message.  You see, my husband has had an ongoing health issue since February which really limited what he could do, he couldn’t work for 4 weeks and I needed to take care of him while he healed.  He couldn’t do anything especially since he couldn’t lift anything over 20 pounds.  This caused much stress for us all.  Not only did I have to take care of all that I normally do at home, including homeschooling and taking care of 5 children, I now had a husband who was home all day for over a month who couldn’t do anything.  I began to resent him for it since I was soooo tired myself and this pregnancy was the sickest I have ever been.  I am praying that he gets a “clean bill of health” next week at his next doctors appointment, could you all pray for that as well?  I am afraid I painted a bad picture of my husband and our marriage.  While it is not perfect, we are happy.  Thanks for allowing me to vent in a safe place and I appreciate all of you.

Much like you, I can see myself and my own marriage in many of the concerns mentioned by others.  Many times my heart goes out even if I don’t reply, because I understand the feelings, but don’t always feel I have a wise or helpful response (after 19 years of marriage).  But the caring and wisdom here is so helpful.  I also am praying for all of you!

Amy - you may not necessarily be pregnant, but the dollar store has pregnancy tests that work perfectly well! I’ve used them plenty of times - it may be worth spending the $1 for peace of mind and then moving on from there. Creighton is a NFP model that is based on mucous only - a great alternative when temps can’t be counted on. I would also suggest Marquette, but it sounds like the cost may be be a bit much for you right now. Maybe check out Creighton!

I got preg with #4 when #3 was 18 months old without a period.  I’ve just found out I’m preg again- current youngest is 22 months old, and I never had a period.  They say it happens something like 4% of the time, but it does happen!    That said, we were not trying to avoid pregnancy, and I definitely noticed fertile signs, which we ignored.

Amy, JeniP is right - most Dollar Stores / Dollar Trees carry pregnancy tests for ... uh, a dollar!  They have been scientifically tested & shown to be as sensitive as the $15 ept or other pricier drugstore tests.  Keep a bunch in your cabinet so that at least the “am I pregnant?” wondering doesn’t mess with your cycle!

Try a mucus-only method like Creighton.  You do have to be diligent about checking *every time* you use the toilet, and keeping track w/ your charting, but it’s a habit to learn & very soon becomes second nature.

i only buy mine at the dollar store   ever since my nurse-friend turned me on to them, i was like why the heck pay all that money, esp when i want to pee on 5 in a row? :-p

Yes, it is possible to get pregnant without the return of menses.  Ovulation BEFORE the return of a period actually happens about 40% of the time IF your nursing chid is older than 6 months old, is eating solids in addition to nursing, and/or if your baby is going longer than 4 hour increments of not nursing (as in sleeping through the night).  I recommend checking out the Creighton model guidelines as well as Marquette.  It may be possible to get one on one help on-line with the people at Marquette to answer your regular questions.