JJ’s Mom, that’s great!  My husband is also a wonderful man who does laundry and dishes, and has been a tremendous help the past 4 weeks while I have been recouping from a torn meniscus. 

Yay! I’ll join in too! My husband is so wonderfully supportive of my (very much lacking) housekeeping skills. He “brings home the bacon”, loves on our kids so much, and is never (ok - almost never:) demanding. I’m just so thankful I have this guy to live my life with! He’s truly my BFF!

Yay to all you wives and to my treasured husband also!  God bless the institution of marriage!

Oh, prayers!  That must feel awful!!  Can he run to a store?!  (I’m sure he thought of that….) 

If a humorous anecdote helps at all, I’ll share this: a few years ago my husband’s grandmother died.  We immediately hopped in the car and drove the 2,000 miles to her funeral.  My husband, however, forgot his suit pants all he had instead were super-casual shorts for the road… so not even a pair of jeans!  AND he’d been asked to be a pallbearer AND he is a very unusual size so most stores don’t carry his size AND he didn’t realize the suit pants were missing until the morning of the funeral (a Sunday)!!  THEN… at Mass before the [non-Catholic] funeral, he did the nerviest thing ever: he saw a man who looked like he was about his same size, marched up to him, and asked the guy to borrow a pair of pants!!!!!  I almost died.  BUT, while the guy *did* seem weirded out a little, we followed him over to his house and my husband tried on a pair of his pants, which were a perfect fit!  We mailed them back after the funeral and all was well.  I check my husband’s suitcase before we go *anywhere* now, though!

LOL JenH!  I guess it always pays to ask!  Even if you look like a nut doing it!  Running to the store would be a great idea for my DH, but truth be told, I’ve spoiled him a bit in this area and he’d be at a loss to buy himself a shirt!!!  Ha, ha!  He’ll just have to “suck it in” today!

i dont really know if this is helpful, but many couples find… ummm… pleasure? in breasts while nursing - they’re big, beautiful and many husbands find the “working in proper order” thing to be extra stimulating!  i guess i’m saying try it and make sure you hate it?  i mean, if you felt comfortable?

is orally the only option? if he’s not bothered by the leaking/dripping, his hands aren’t enough stimulation alone? just bring an extra towel? lol

I think I’d feel too weird about it, and he’s kind of said the same thing. It’s probably more him than me, though - he’s generally willing to do whatever it takes to get me there !  But maybe we’ll give it a shot. 

Oh, and yes…..needs to be oral.  I need his hands for…....other things.  I should come with an instruction manual!

You could take matters into your own hands, as it were. Whatever the technique, this is probably going to take the two of you experimenting a little bit to see what you are each comfortable with and what works.  I think the main thing is to not stress out about it.  Congratulations on your new baby.

What if you pump first?

pumping could potentially help with spraying, etc. but you’re always making milk so um… its always going to be “between” you.

heehee

I’m the same way and we’ve found a way to make it work! After about 4 months, I didn’t even leak at all! I agree with pumping first - that helped for a while. Also, to be honest, even when DH actually does a sucking motion, he doesn’t have the same mouth as baby, nor the same tongue, and nor does he latch. So he has never gotten milk - think about when older toddlers who havent nursed in a while try to nurse again, or when they try to use a soother and don’t get what the big deal is.

I’m in a similar situation. That type of stimulation is usually what does it for me - if done at the right time. My baby (#3) is 9 mo., and I’m still nursing. I’ve never experienced any kind of spraying, and leaking only in the early weeks.

I think my husband was a little leery of proceeding after this baby (we only really discovered this “trick” last year I think), but it’s been ok. I think he may get a drop or two of milk sometimes, but as someone else mentioned, it’s really nothing like a baby latching on and nursing, so it’s not quite the same. You could always try once - if either of you don’t like it, then it’s probably time to experiment with what else might get you there.

Oh my, this reminds me of the time that I had painful plugged ducts headed on their way to mastitis with my first and the LLL volunteer on the phone asked if I had a nursing toddler (no). Then she asked, do you have a willing husband? Aye! That was an interesting night between hot soaks, hand expression, and, er DH. 

I dont’ have help bc I have the opposite problem- I don’t like DH touching my nipples during sex while I’m currently breastfeeding. Other times, yay. lol

I ust wanted to say that it’s so awesome for this safe place, that you could ask this question and all the thoughtful and respectful answers.   To the other poster below, we also had an experience of it not being so nice for me, but DH REALLY wanted to please me.  We also got a couple books from the library (!) I think the Joy of Sex was one.  Obviously there are some things you may not try due to how we view the marriage act (I think the “newer” versions of TJOS had succumbed to some of the more fringe things becoming more mainstream). but it helped us to loosed up and know what to try. It also gave us some ideas! We took an afternoon, got out the book and had some fun. haha. I hope and pray it gets better for you.

i have many many prayers for you - i too have been treated very uncharitable/unethically by Catholic schools, who indeed should know better :(

One thing that stands out about the 4 years I attended Catholic high school was how ridiculously political the administration was. Even from a teenager’s view point it was obvious that things were done based on whims, seniority, people-pleasing, etc. I received a wonderful academic education but many of the examples set by the adults in charge were less than to be desired. It always seemed like the vice principals and counselors took the brunt of it because the head principal was trying to protect himself from scrutiny. Turns out he was let go 2 years after I left because of his poor leadership and indiscretions and now the school is thriving in a way unimaginable while I attended. So it may be worth sticking it out, at least for the year, to see what happens. He may shoot himself in the foot, you never know. I’m sorry your husband is experiencing this and my prayers go out for you both.

Stick it out for your youngest’s senior year if you can possibly afford to - and look for both a summer job for this year and next (camp?  summer school?  university summer program?  summer teaching English abroad?).  BUT start looking for another job whenever the hiring season starts to fill for 2013/14!  These people don’t deserve loyalty, and definitely don’t deserve to have your husband work for them.

I was in your shoes awhile back.  I tried doing things to make the experience more enjoyable for *him,* and in the process I came to like doing stuff for him, which started the process of making it nice for me.  I don’t know if that makes sense?  In other words, at first all I enjoyed was seeing him enjoy himself.  But I think it also got him more excited so he started trying new things, too, and eventually things started to click.  First step: focus all energy on making his day!

I’ve read that Zelie Martin, Little Flower’s mom, had this same problem.  She just wasn’t that into it, and couldn’t get past the taboos and the naughty feeling.  I know that’s not your issue, but praying to her might help.  Also, I bet you’ll find that your guy would be willing to do an awful lot to improve your experience.  Things prior to the act: helping with dishes and getting kids to bed; letting you get a nap in, or a bath; spending quality time in conversation with you.  And things during: tell him what you want; what you don’t want.  Maybe you don’t know what you want?  Try different things!  I think this is where prayers will come in handy.  God wants you to have this.  He wants you to cast off your inhibitions for your husband’s sake and for your own enjoyment in this area!

Jenna,
I’m praying for you.  So tough. I agree with the above poster, start by praying hard and specifically about this.  When I have remembered to do that, my love life has dramatically gotten better.  I really recommend the book “Holy Sex” by Gregory Popcak.  It’s faithfully Catholic, but nice and specific.  It can be a little heavy to get through all the theology, but it helped me try new things which helped my husband please me.  If you don’t know what he could be doing, or what you could be doing, just keep trying new things!  Tell him honestly where you’re coming from, and ask for his suggestions and his patience, and hopefully you can have a sense of humor about it.  It can be awkward, but trial and error really worked for us to increase our intimacy as well as give me more pleasure.  Obviously not talking about sinful things, but things like: lingerie, candles, massages or something that gets you relaxed and in the mood; different positions; letting him know when you are ready for him to come in, or when you need more foreplay; finding out which parts of your body and his body are the most sensitive; finding out what things turn you _off_, and letting him know gently not to do them.  Good luck.

Oh, Jenna!  It’s such a frustrating cycle of awkward non-communication, isn’t it? Conversations do not happen simultaneously, though.  One person has to speak up first, in faith, in courage, in love.  Why not you?

Try brainstorming a few phrases that you might see yourself saying during an interlude, either to steer him toward what pleases you, or to seek his guidance for what pleases him:
“That feels amazing.”
“I like it when you ____.”
“Wow.”
“Does this feel good?”
“What would feel good for you?”
Honestly, it doesn’t have to be “dirty talk” at all!  Just basic owner’s manual type of language can be all that’s necessary for a lightbulb or two to turn on!

Also, my dh and I can laugh about this now, but it’s crazy how the *exact same* pressure, movements, technique, etc., will feel amazing one night and make my skin crawl the next!  How is the poor guy to know unless I tell him?  Sometimes he is trying sooo hard to be patient and gentle and tender and doggone it, he’s putting me to sleep!  “Be a little more aggressive tonite, honey” is all I say & he gets it & we’re good to go.

I would also echo another poster’s suggestion that perhaps to break out of this cycle you commit to really pleasing him initially, maybe a few nights, and get his input via pillowtalk afterwards.  After a few times like that, perhaps you will feel more comfortable or bold enough to say, “Know what I think might feel amazing for me?” and continue the discussion from there.

And Jenna, please understand that you & your dh are not some anomaly; this is such a common male/female dynamic that it’s sort of a universal cliche.  Comedians build careers around the topic.  I believe Pope John Paul II even touches on the topic in his Theology of the Body addresses!

Oh I can relate!  My husband and I were not intimate before marriage and I never had discussions with girlfriends about sex.  I knew the basics but nothing else!  What I would have given for someone (anyone!) to have told me about the possiblility of needing lubrication on my honeymoon or that a “wet spot” was normal!

What helped tremendously for my DH and I was to get a couple books.  “The Joy of Sex” was one.  It just gave us something to read together and then try together. It took the pressure off because it became a fun experiment that we worked on together besides giving us ideas of things that work that may have taken us a long time to figure out.  It made a drastic educational difference in a very short time and we were able to take it from there!

After 20 years of marriage we still pull out the book occasionally to try something new and different and our sex life is better than ever.  And laughter plays a key part!

And as so much of male/female communication…if you don’t say something than the males don’t know!  If I say “love that!” to my husband than he *knows!*.

By more than once, do you mean sometimes or every time he has ever asked you? I’ve been married 12 years and I’ve discovered that there are some things my husband will jump up and do if I ask, like fold laundry, and other things that will be put off as long as possible, like scrub toilets. When he asks how he can help, I try to keep the suggestions within his comfort zone. (This is true of chores and errands, not childcare. I never give a second thought to him taking care of the kids and meeting their needs.) But this works both ways, there are plenty of things in 12 years that my husband has asked me to do or look into that have fallen by the wayside. Then I have to sheepishly admit that I was just procrastinating when he asks what happened. And then of course, we have both been guilty of simply forgetting we even agreed to do something in the craziness of family life. If it’s really bothering you or seems extreme though, you should talk to him about division of labor and where you would like for him to help out on a consistent basis without having to ask or be asked first.

Its more like I"m busy in the kitchen and he says, “How can I help?” so I say “It’d be great if you could set the table” OR “so-and-so needs a diaper change before we can leave the house [due to leave in 5 minutes], could you change that diaper?”  And he walks off and does NOT do it.  This has happened three times, so certainly not “every time.”  And I certainly *can* do these things myself, but I’m guessing he asked to help out because he sees that I’m swamped in the moment.  So WHY oh why would he just saunter off and NOT do what I asked?  It has left me dumbfounded truly speechless and that’s the only reason I haven’t said anything.  But next time he asks I just really do not know what to do or say other than “Are you for real this time?!”

What if you tried to shorten your words?  E.g., “Change the baby.”  “Set the table.”  Then it’ll be pretty clear if he’s not doing it b/c he tuned out the extra “fluff” or if he’s not doing it b/c it’s not his preference of helpful tasks.
Either way, you can always follow up at a more loving time by saying, “Hey, I love it when you offer to help, but I drives me crazy when you don’t do it!  Did you realize that you don’t actually do it, honey?”
It may be nothing malicious or spiteful, just plain distraction/exhaustion/overload/spaciness, right?

When we did a study with the book “Love and Respect” (which is great, by the way), we finally realized that men want clear instructions and expectations. It doesn’t work when we try to “channel” our wants/needs (we all do that, right??). While it seems a bit counter-intuitive, because you don’t want to nag/boss around your husband like a child, it’s a little freeing. If you give them clear instructions and expectations, and they don’t meet them, it’s THEIR responsibility, not a lack in communication, not your passive aggressiveness; it’s all on them. I think when they realize that it’s then a TRUST issue, that they will follow through with what you ask, it will be much more important to them to follow through.
In your case, it seems like he’s offering, you’re delegating clearly, so there shouldn’t be a problem, but maybe if you express how it makes you feel when they don’t follow through and it becomes more than an annoyance - it’s a trust thing - then perhaps that will light a fire? If nothing else, just tell him, “Only offer if you’re willing to follow through. I would rather do it myself and avoid the frustration if you are not going to do what you say.” Talk about it when you’re calm and collected (so not in the heat of baths or dinner prep) and in a non-accusatory, matter-of-fact way.

Yes this happens to me to. I find I have to specify the time when I want it done, and double check that he means to do it by that time. It sometimes seems he is just looking for ideas of what needs to be done, and will then choose from a list in his head - and what I have said is not always (rarely) chosen. My interpretation is “What do you need done NOW?” whereas DHs is ” what do you need done sometime” I’m sure it is a miscommunication issue rather than anything deliberate.