Snap Judgements: game reviews based purely on screenshots

Humans. Apart from the meat, bone and eyeballs, we're built entirely out of prejudice. Nothing escapes our gaze without a snap judgement being made about it. That guy walking too close behind you is an impatient monster and a probable domestic abuser. That lack of a door on that brick wall robs it of potential and intrigue. That street magician needs a series of massive knee-thrusts to his nuts. These are all snap judgements that are almost certainly accurate.

Of course, the same thing happens with video games. You'll get a bristling feeling about a game long before you put it into words. Dishonored feels full of promise. Resi 6 feels uncomfortable, wrong. Prejudice comes in many forms. From your knowledge of a franchise, from your opinion of the developer, and an accumulated lifetime of despair and dashed hopes (Star Wars).

So, I asked Ed to let me test my prejudices. Can I refine them to the point where I can review a game without actually playing it? How convincing a review could I write, based on a single screenshot? How much can you actually write about a game without demonstrating any first-hand knowledge of its workings? Brace yourself for fluff, issue-avoidance, and ill-concealed factlessness, as I give three definitive reviews.

FARMING SIMULATOR 2013

Being a farmer is immense fun. You get to hang around with loads of ducks, and if any children play on your land you can shoot them with a rifle, and say you thought they were wolves. It's literally a licence to stamp on some hen's eggs in your big muddy boots, all the time shouting about how how early you get up in the mornings just to punch a cow in the udderbag until milk flies out.

It's a life that demands simulation: and boy-howdy - Farming Simulator 2013 is literally the farming simulator of the year. You can control a range of farming equipment, from a digger to... at least three other machines, including one that looks like it might have horses in it. Horses! They don't half whinny. If I had a horse I'd tell it to lay off the whinnying.

However, there are some drawbacks, mainly in the form of excruciating boredom. Real farmwork might be invigorating. It might help you to feel like part of the natural cycle of life. Running a simulation? It's the worst of all possible worlds. Including the very likely world where you tell your friends about the field you just tilled, and they decide to leave the pub while you're in the toilet.

Still, people say that video games of armed conflict can never be realistic, because they cannot simulate the days and weeks of high-pressure inaction. They never feature the nerve-shredding tense boredom that fills the vast gaps between the adrenaline-sodden kill-or-be-killed terror. Here's a compromise - why not try playing Farming Simulator 2013 with a sword hanging above your head for six days, between every level of Modern Warfare?

PREDICTED SCORE: 4/10

Prejudices used: I played Woodcutter Simulator. It was horrible.

Fact Check: No facts used, no fact check required.