Parents Orchestrating Son's Love Life Win Scant Praise

Considering that you have purchased a home together and have been living together for a while, I feel that asking for money is beyond rude. In my mind, wedding gifts are for those who are just beginning a life together as a couple, not for a well-established couple. Asking others to supplement your car repair or home addition is beyond tacky. If that's what you want, invite the loan officer from your bank.

I think the ages of the bride and groom (and who pays for the wedding) are a big factors in the type of gift given. If I am attending the wedding where the bride and groom are in their early twenties and whose parents are most likely paying for the wedding, they will probalby get a gift off their registry. If they are older and/or paying for the wedding themselves, I have no problem giving cash as a gift - as that is what is usually most needed. As an older bride living in a smallish NYC apartment,we had everything we needed when we got married. I never addressed the topic of gifts myself (and I didin't have a bridal shower), but if asked, I let people know that we didn't register because we were already well established and didn't need more "stuff" and left it at that. We certainly didn't ask for cash, but that is what we mostly got and it was also most appreciated and needed. Many didn't give gifts at all - and that was fine too. We were just glad they made the effort to come.

2) A freind of mine was recently married and while they registered they also set aside a donation cage with a Bird (representing him) and a Frog (representing her) inside joke. Guest going into the wedding and reception where able to donate money in lue with a card or in addition to a gift a they chose to go towards the honeymoon. The cage was mentioned in the invite as an indirect way of letting people know money was prefered with out asking directly. At other weddings I have seen the couples have Dollar dances (to raise money for honeymoon or as a start to thier savings) for both the bride and groom to dance with guest for a dollar each but usaully getting more as guest try to out do each other in fun.

LW#2 - Wouldn't it be nice if we could defer gift giving to see if the marriage will actually stick?

#2 " I'm sick of being told what I want to do is rude. I want it. I want it. I want it." (flouncing and throwing massive pout)

I'm not sure I understand why it's so terrible to let two kids of the opposite sex get to know each other within family situations rather than keeping their relationship a secret. When my siblings and I had boyfriends or girlfriends, they were welcomed into our home and frequently invited along to family events.
I do agree that 14 is a bit young for dating, but eventually most people do end up alone with a member of the opposite sex at some point. The parents may "break up" when the kids do, or maybe they'll manage to continue their friendship, but either way, isn't it a good thing when you're lucky enough to like the parents of your kids friends?

LW#2: Unless someone is registered somewhere, I usually just give money as a gift, but I'm getting really disgusted with people's attitudes about gifts in general. I was raised that giving a gift is something you do out of the kindness of your heart, not something you do because of someone else's expectations. Likewise, you never demand a specific gift or even expect one, but you accept it graciously in any case & ALWAYS say thank-you. As for a wedding situation, I thought weddings were about sharing a special moment in your life, not trying to get as much as you can from family & friends. *rolls eyes*

LW #1, You are all wet. "I offered my opinion only after I was asked what I thought of my nephew's girlfriend after she posted pictures on the Internet." Hello!? That was not an invitation to comment on the fact of the relationship, but to comment on what you thought of the young lady. I give you an F for listening comprehension.

What I've noticed with my kids (13 & 15) is that at age 14, "going out" mostly means sitting together at lunch. The person who is "liked" may change from day to day. This cannot really be controlled unless you are going to follow your child around all day at school. Parental supervision (not helicoptering) is a good thing, but the kids themselves have to be in control of choosing to continue a relationship or not and who they will "like". They will anyway.

LW#1 - Are you planning an arranged marriage as well?

While I have no problem with the boy and girl seeing each other in a supervised fashion. They likely won't last. The rest is over the top as far as I'm concerned involving both sets of parents.

LW1 - As a boy who grew up under a similar situation it's really not as bad as you make it out to be. At 14 it's the girl you don't hear about he's having sex with. What I learned from the experience was to NEVER introduce a girl to my mom or any sister unless I was serious about her.
Fast Forward to when I'm living with psycho-B. We're taking her 13 year old boy on his first date with this girl she adores. We pick her up, she makes some statement about how crazy she is over boys. They run into her house and psycho-B states "That was an odd statement, think I should get an additional chaperon (they were going to a "Kids Night Out" event).
I replied, I'm sure they'll figure it all out fine there GRAND-MA. Fortunately he didn't hear my response so he's still mad at his mom and not me for making him have a chaperon for his dates.

When we got married not long ago (yes, we are still newlyweds) we asked our guests for no gifts. We have everything, but some brought wine and several brought gift cards, which were used to buy things for the house. We did not want anything. A gift is just that, a gift, a token of respect, or a person or an event, not a Christmas wish list. And, yes, hand written 't-yous' were mailed 2 days later to all that gifted us.

LW#2 - Tradition dictates that you have within one year of the marriage to give a present. I have seen brides and grooms list gift certificates for a favorite store on their bridal registry.

I struggle with the wedding gift thing. I didn't register for my first marriage. Back then I needed almost everything and got things like a silver tea set and lots of crystal. I had $10k in student loans, a dented car and lived in a crappy apartment with a cardboard "chest of drawers". I should have registered at Target but thought it was tacky. I wanted to put "Your presence is the only present we desire" on the invitation when I got married the second time. My husband thought that was tacky. Again I didn't want to register but my bridesmaid insisted and threw a lovely shower for me. I have a nice set of Crate & Barrel dishes that I use everyday and love the people and the effort that went into getting me something they knew I would enjoy. As a guest I like to choose my own gifts and make nice baskets. I try to make it personal. Sometimes I start with something from the registry and build around it. I don't object to cash but that seems like such a transaction rather than a gift.

Stores have return policies....duh! If you are too lazy to return things or not creative enough to return stuff for gift cards or store credit then use those to pay for Christmas, Birthdays, etc then take the money you would have spent for that then put that towards what ever you want....well, then i can only be glad I am not invited to your wedding!!!

LW#1 - People might agree with your point of view, but they also know that it is none of your business, or concern.

On a side note - I am living with the aftermath of one of these arrangements and it really makes for some awkward moments. When my wife was a freshman in highschool, she dated the son of her parents' good friends. While the parents remained best friends, the kids broke off the dating (some 25-30 years ago). I have been married to my wife for almost 21 years now, but we see her ex-boyfriend's parents at almost every gathering (2 or 3 times a year), and from the comments they make, I know that they always had wished for my wife to be their daughter-in-law.

I don't see anything wrong with a family setting for the boy/girlfriend situation, at fourteen or at thirty-four. If the family is going someplace, and somebody's latest flame is invited, what's the big deal? My family did it all the time when I was growing up. It was one surefire way for the parents to know where their kids were and what they were doing. Would you rather the kids sneak around behind your back? I think the LW has a dirty mind.

Sister, mind your own business. I'm sure when your sister asked what you thought of your nephew's girlfriend she only wanted to know whither or not your thought she was cute. Not wither or not your sister is a horrible parent for allowing her son to date at a early age. Both sets of parents know about the "relationship" and are happy to allow their children to spend time together, your sister and the parents aren't setting up sex dates for the kids, they're kids are having fun and enjoying each others company. It seems to me that if your nephew felt comfortable enough to come to his parent about wanting to start dating then they've done a good job so far as parents. So mind keep your nose out from where it doesn't belong, and concentrate on your OWN life.

I got the nicest wedding invitation recently, from the (mature) couple, with directions, helpful news about the location and weather, and it included the "gifts not necessary" clause. If that isn't the true spirit of etiquette, I don't know what is. :-)

I have a "moral" Aunt I used to be close to. People who consider themselves to be moral authorities tend to intrude a lot into peoples lives.