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[+] What is Singapore Math? 5 replies
- ^ but seriously, it was a national program put in place by Singapore to improve their country's math education, it was considered successful by many and so some schools in other countries started to adopt it. Google can tell you the differences, between Singapore, Saxon, Everyday, TERC and whatever else there is out there....
Talk : : April 10, 2012
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Singapore got it from NEST -they should really call it NEST Math
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 08:03 PM Flag^ but seriously, it was a national program put in place by Singapore to improve their country's math education, it was considered successful by many and so some schools in other countries started to adopt it. Google can tell you the differences, between Singapore, Saxon, Everyday, TERC and whatever else there is out there.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 08:28 PM Flag
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[+] Are you ready for this one? I'm one week shy of turning 47, I had my tubes tied 4 ye... 39 replies
- So what about a 60 year old mom? My mom adopted several young children in her fifties, is now in her 60s, very happy and looks like she's 42 (my age) and is blessed with good genes and a young, kind heart....
Talk : : April 10, 2012
Are you ready for this one? I'm one week shy of turning 47, I had my tubes tied 4 years ago when I had my dd. Went to my obgyn for my routine appt yesterday....my period was 2 weeks late, but lately it has been early, late, whatever....I'm 6 weeks PREGNANT....wtf??? I have told no one yet, not even dh. I'm in shock.
39 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.10.12, 05:27 PM Flag ]Do you already have dcs? How old? I bet they will be so excited too!
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 05:30 PM Flagcome on, a 13 yr.old with a 60 year old mother. awful.70 with a 23 year old. my god.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 05:39 PM FlagMy parents are in their mid 70s and are wonderful with my kids. They'd be terrific with a 23 yr old. Open your mind a little bit.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 05:41 PM Flagdo your parents have complete responsibility for them? A grandparent is completely different. My mind is just fine thank you.Why don't you have a child at 48 if it's so great. It's sad to think this child or young adult will possibly not have her around to see in their adulthood.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 05:48 PM Flag
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So no one thinks there is a downside at having a baby at 48?
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 06:07 PM Flag-
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When I gave birth to my daughter the nurse said that in the past month they had had 3 women give birth after having their tubes tied. Nothing is foolproof I guess. GL to you!
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 06:10 PM FlagNow THAT'S a miracle. The cool thing is that on top of having a miracle baby, you can sue for malpractice the medical professional who did the tube tying. You should at least be able to get a couple hundred grand if not more. 2 cool things!
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 06:23 PM Flag
[+] Mothers who cook vegetables, then mash them up and put them into other foods-like spa... 118 replies
- just seems odd that a tribe (most of which are hugely traditional peoples) would adopt a strange food. just asking for more information (sounds like you don't have any)...
- I do, and was giving it to you. They grow there well, and don't spoil easily. So, many tribes have adopted them out of practicality....
Talk : : April 10, 2012
Mothers who cook vegetables, then mash them up and put them into other foods-like spaghetti sauce, brownies, etc-what exactly do you think you are teaching your kids?
118 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.10.12, 08:52 AM Flag ]-
I think it is more about just getting vegetables into the child. Not every moment is a teachable moment.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 08:54 AM Flagi guess i disagree, but somehow both of our children will survive
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 08:55 AM Flagnp: It only works if you shout, "Ha ha! Gotcha!" at the end and reveal the contents. Just kidding. My kids eat regular veggies (I know, some of you hate that word) with us but I think hidden vegetables are better than none.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 08:58 AM Flag-
Kids get the nutrients but aren't aware that they are eating veggies
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:47 AM FlagWhat "nutrients" are you thinking they are getting? In the case of carrots, it is simple carbs with a bit of vitamin A- and deficiency is exceedingly rare since it is fat soluble. So what are you achieving here?
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:50 AM FlagIs it your opinion that adding vegetables is BAD for kids? I agree that it's not necessary to their survival, but it's certainly not hurting them. So if someone wants to do that, why not? It's not like it requires more time.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:52 AM FlagNot good to offer empty high glycemic calories that are condensed and removed from fiber- can you tell me why you think it is?
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:54 AM FlagI just think that this would be true of plain spaghetti sauce too. And there are a lot of vegetables out there besides carrots. I often add various colored peppers, spinach, broccoli, squash, etc to all kinds of dishes. Because, why not?
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:56 AM FlagHow is adding peppers to tomatoes upping the calories? They are lower in calories than tomatoes. And they aren't empty. you're varying the vitamins and nutrients in the sauce. Of course your kids will be fine with or without this. But you're wrong to suggest that adding a vegetable will always raise the calories. And even on the occasion that it does, few toddlers eat enough for this to be a concern.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 10:06 AM FlagNo, stupidity about nutrition is why people are fat. First, it was binge on fat free foods. Then, it was make sure you are getting plenty of good fats. Now, it is "eat your vegetables." If this is good for you, you surely can say why. There is a reason people in other countries DO NOT do this. It is a truism that this would be good for you.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 11:02 AM Flag
Go to a nutrition website and you'll see a list of vitamins in each vegetable. There is a tribe in Africa whose members only eat potatoes, nothing else, morning, noon and night. They survive, but they have no teeth and only live to about 50. Variety is important.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:58 AM Flag-
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potatoes are not indigenous to africa, so wondering how a "tribe" would have that as its sole diet.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 10:15 AM FlagJust because they're not indigenous doesn't mean they won't grow there. They do, and are a very resilient crop.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 10:18 AM FlagOR: Ha, ha. I left and just checked back here to find this interesting conversation about which tribe. I read about them quite a while ago and don't even remember what region it was. It could have even been another continent altogether. Pretty sure they were African, though. Anyway, it isn't relevant. I just remember being impressed by the fact that they only ate potatoes.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 01:45 PM Flag
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Wrong answer. For OP, child rearing is one long, determined, grim teachable moment. If you can teach your kids AND unenlightened parents at the same time, all the better.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 08:56 AM FlagBecause no child could possibly eat vegetables, knowing they are vegetables, and enjoy them?
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:04 AM FlagOf course they can. But getting your panties in a bunch because some other parent puts carrots in tomato sauce ... please.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:05 AM FlagPureeing carrots into tomato sauce because of some frantic, misguided need to "get vegetables into the child" is just stupid.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:09 AM FlagDo I do it myself? No. Do I get into a lather because someone else is hiding carrots in the spaghetti sauce? No. I get into a lather because thousands of kids die every day from diarrhea. I'm crazy like that, yo.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:14 AM Flag-
Nutritionally, you might as well throw a pureed potato in there.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:45 AM Flag-
What do you think the child is getting that they need from that carrot? You think they have a Vitamin A deficiency? The logic is amazing.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:47 AM Flagnp Not at all. But based on that argument, why bother to serve vegetables at all. I do the same thing when cooking for myself. It never hurts to throw some extra vegetables in. I'm sure we'd survive just fine either way, but throwing some extras in is easy, not harmful, and it's a good way of using up stuff that's about to go bad!
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:51 AM FlagThe logic is that I have some carrots, peppers, broccoli, cauliflower, whatever. So I throw them in. I also serve them the traditional way. Are you really trying to argue that this is bad for kids because of the glycemic index of carrots in their spaghetti sauce? Really?
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 10:02 AM FlagNo, you don't understand. Steamed broccoli is totally different from juiced broccoli, pureed overcooked broccoli etc. You are simply upping the calories and carbs without enhancing taste- a recipe for obesity. No satiation will come of this, no nutritional upshot- so why do you do this?
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 10:03 AM Flag
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In general, I give my kids whole veggies BUT it is basic science that as we age our taste buds mature, so things we hated as a kid we might very well have hated for good reason -- they didn't taste good. But if we are allowed to grow into appreciating them, where's the harm?
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 08:57 AM FlagI do this. I also serve them the food in regular form. My oldest was picky, and I think this helped her acquire a taste for certain things. My younger two are not picky at all, but it's still a nice way to load them up on extra vegetables. I think it's important to serve them the typical way as well. I don't agree with hiding healthy stuff all the time. But what's the problem with doing this in addition to the traditional way?
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:36 AM FlagITA. Toddlers have such short attention spans when it comes to meals. Throwing a variety of mashed veggies into a few of the things on their plate AND serving some the traditional way just helps get more veggies in them. It's not the end of the world if they don't get a wide range of vegetables everyday, but if you can do it easily, why not?
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:43 AM Flag
My dd is now 10. When she was a toddler she would simply not eat fruits or veggies whole, seemed to loathe the texture. I started hiding them and also putting them on her plate. She still doesn't eat them. Obv I didn't accomplish anything except healthy meals. My other two eat fruits and vegs fine, but I think dd will go to college someday and get scurvey
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:37 AM FlagWhat about dipping them in ranch dressing? Hey kids! These taste gross so cover it with salt and fat!
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 10:00 AM Flag-
Nothing. Not everything has to be a teachable moment. It's just getting nutrients into their bodies. I assume you are trying to say you know better?
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 10:10 AM FlagThis thread is odd. OP is obsessed with the idea that a carrot has nothing but Vitamin A. However, this seems quite incorrect. It appears the average carrot also has: over 3g of dietary fiber (14% dv), 13% vit c, 21% vit k; 123-9% of vit e, vit b6, thiamine, folate, riboflavin, niacin, calcium, iron, magnesium, phosphorous, sodium, zinc, copper, manganese
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 01:09 PM Flag
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[+] anyone's dc have/had a palate expander? orthodontist says it looks like she'll need ... 20 replies
- My 9 yo dd has a palate expander right now. She's adopted, very petite, and is very "dentally advanced," her 12 yo molars are in already. If she doesn't do this her teeth will start to crowd. Aside from some initial minor issues with eating compatible foods (no popcorn, gummy candy - Easter was slim...
Talk : : April 10, 2012
anyone's dc have/had a palate expander? orthodontist says it looks like she'll need one - but i did some research and heard that some can be painful, cause drooling, etc. not sure if the slight cosmetic difference will be worth the torture for dd (yes, torture - she is in middle school!)
20 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.10.12, 07:33 AM Flag ]It's not torture - I had one. It's not for cosmetic reasons either - it's for the bite. Mine is still off because I didn't wear my retainer. I might need to have more work done now because I have pain in my jaw due to my bite being off. It's really not all that painful - you turn a key every few days a quarter turn to push the teeth apart. Food gets stuck under it and it's gross -- but really just annoying. If she needs it, get it and make sure she wears her retainer!!!
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 07:38 AM FlagOP here - what about cost? Our orthopedist (excellent credentials) says $1800, all in. Does that sound about right?
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 07:48 AM FlagMy 9 yo dd has a palate expander right now. She's adopted, very petite, and is very "dentally advanced," her 12 yo molars are in already. If she doesn't do this her teeth will start to crowd. Aside from some initial minor issues with eating compatible foods (no popcorn, gummy candy - Easter was slim pickings in her basket this year). I will admit she gets a little more spittle on her lips that I have noticed, and she is working with her pronunciation of some things. She is actually kind of "into it" and we were both very excited this morning when mommy finally figured out the trick to turning the adjuster (lie down on couch in good light and wait until tool clicks all the way in before turning). No problem!
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 09:00 AM Flag
[+] If you were single and poor but 30 years old, would you have a baby? 73 replies
- Is it easy to adopt when you're poor?...
- Yes, if you are willing to adopt a child from the foster care system. They actually...
- you won't be adopting a child under five that way...
- What about fostering or adopting through the state? I have a friend who is...child (which could turn into long term or adoption). I don't think that I could...
Talk : : April 09, 2012
If you were single and poor but 30 years old, would you have a baby?
73 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.09.12, 03:09 PM Flag ]I did. Dc highly gifted. It's hard, I'm struggling but dc amazing.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:13 PM FlagI wouldn't on purpose. But, if I got pg by accident, I would keep it.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:14 PM Flagonly if I wanted to be 40 and single and poor with a 10 year old.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:14 PM Flagnot in a million years, in terms of planning to do it. so not fair to the child. if i found myself with an unplanned pregnancy, i guess it would be a different situation.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:20 PM FlagMy child is missing nothing except I can't afford private school but since he is gifted the school he attends is as good or better than private schools. I teach him piano, my brother taught him guitar, he speaks two languages, what's he missing again? A bigger apartment?
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:24 PM FlagThen you are the exception. You realize that right? The vast majority of poor single mothers are not able to offer their children the home they deserve. Statistically, a poor single mom's children start life at a great disadvantage.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:33 PM FlagI must completely disagree. I live on an extremely low income of 9000$ per year, living in housing. I'm just being the best parent I can be. I do have a college degree just can't find any work paying me based on my knowledge so I take whatever jobs I can but work part time to be my son's main teacher. I grew up in a communist country where people get educated for the fun of it not for the money in it. It ends up I don't care much for the money either...I don't care to own anyone or anything. Just a different way of living...
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:37 PM FlagYou completely disagree that you are a statistical anomaly? You don't think that the kids of single mothers face an incredible disadvantage using pretty much any educational/health/achievement outcome that you care to look at? Do you live on Mars? These are facts, you can't simply disagree and then ramble on about growing up in a communist country.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:39 PM FlagFine, but still think its up to the parents, isn't it? If I can do it, why can't others? Actually, there are other parents like me out there except they're Chinese or Mexican. Everyone wants their child to do well and try to do their best, ultimately it is not about pumping money into a child. It's about teaching them right from wrong and that anyone can do. There are so many scholarships and opportunities for less "fortunate" children, a parent must be willing to put their time into it.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:45 PM FlagWith all due respect, you are completely discounting the strong educational base you've acquired in that communist country. You might've immigrated with no physical possessions, but you came with the tools that enabled you to advance. This same base allows you to school and develop your child. Most single moms in this country don't have the same luxury.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 06:08 PM Flag
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I responded above and was responding to the age and not financial status. I knew I wanted to be a mother but at 30 wasn't worried about missing my fertility window before finding a partner. At 40, I would have been. This and not $ would have motivated my decision, though $ would have impacted having more than one
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:28 PM Flag
I think so (we'll never know, I can't go back), unless I was literally starving on the street. I'm pretty sure my family would have helped me find a way to raise DC.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:29 PM FlagI was single and poor at 30. I then excelled in my career and was making a great income. I worked 60+ hours a week, met a great guy and didn't have dc to mid 40's. Some times I think I would have rather begun earlier and been able to have more children. It's a tradeoff.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:30 PM FlagI did. My child is perfectly happy living off of more responsible people than myself (thanks taxpayers!)
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:36 PM FlagNo. I think it would be fine to be single and adopt a baby. In that case, there is already a child on earth who needs a home. I don't think it's fair to bring a child into the world without two committed parents though. After the child is here, there are no guarantees of course. One parent could take off. But I think the biggest gift you can give a child is a good start--two parents who want them here and are 100% devoted to bringing them up.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:38 PM FlagI'd give myself a two years to focus on finding a good husband. Then reconsider.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:44 PM FlagYou are only 30! you still have some time. Work on improving your financial situation.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 03:46 PM Flagnope, not me - but I never had that MOMMY urge like so many women seem to have. I have children, but if I was not married, then I would not have had them.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 04:17 PM FlagWhat about fostering or adopting through the state? I have a friend who is poor and she has three adopted children. They work with you (sometimes you get a stipend), insurance is covered and college is too (at least in CT) Her kids get free lunch as well. She said they told her that they would rather assist someone who wants to care for a child but has no money than have a child go w/out a loving home.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 04:44 PM FlagOP: This is actually the case. I am trying to decide whether to foster a specific child (which could turn into long term or adoption). I don't think that I could give the child as much as some other families that could afford much more or have more time to spend at home with her. I also wonder about what I would be giving up for myself. I would probably be giving up the opportunity to go back to school, take career risks, dive full force into a new career and really prove myself, have time and freedom to meet someone, fall in love, and start a family with a partner.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 06:58 PM Flag
What's poor? Do you have an education, a profession? And I'm not talking Big Law, necessarily. If you can make a good living as a hairdresser or cop, that counts too. Another poster is right -a lot can happen between 30-35-and she's right.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 05:08 PM Flagi was a single parent at 23 - hardest thing i ever did and the father and his parents (and my parents) were all around to support me. i love my ds but honestly i would have never chosen this life. at 30 maybe you have more experiences than i did (and wanted to) at 23. good luck.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 05:48 PM FlagThis is the dumbest post ever. Why would anyone in that situation CHOOSE to have a child? So irresponsible.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 07:53 AM Flag
[+] My husband and I are both attractive and dc not so good-looking. It is really embarra... 24 replies
- The adopted daughter of Brad and Angelina....
- motivated, example of your own ignorance. 1) Zahara is adopted, this means that there is zero genetic relationship between she and her adoptive parents. Zero genetic relationship means zero opportunity of passing along anything other than the...For you to single this child out of the other adopted and biological children of Jolie and Pitt as being "...
Talk : : April 09, 2012
My husband and I are both attractive and dc not so good-looking. It is really embarrassing for us at family summer parties. Getting to point we want to have dc make other plans. Any way to bring her up to par? Strange how this gene did not get passed on to dc.
24 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.09.12, 01:42 PM Flag ]-
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Actually, it's more like: my husband and I are are entirely ordinary and *very* far from extremely attractive, and dc (14)is just so beautiful. How did this happen? Genetics are inexplicable at times
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 01:47 PM Flag-
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Okay...let me tell you why your comment was an inappropriate, racially motivated, example of your own ignorance. 1) Zahara is adopted, this means that there is zero genetic relationship between she and her adoptive parents. Zero genetic relationship means zero opportunity of passing along anything other than the common cold, okay? 2) she is actually very pretty for what she is: a child. Her features roughly meet both the Fibonnaci sequence and pi standard for beauty symmetry. Zahara is Ethiopian or for the ignorant: she's one of those brown skinned people. For you to single this child out of the other adopted and biological children of Jolie and Pitt as being "the ugly one" says that it's more likely that you come from a European biased standard of beauty more than anything being wrong with the specific child in question. In truth, both scientifically and culturally, beauty is diversity. Now, you are dismissed.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 02:06 PM Flag
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same here. we are thinking about a possible switch at the hoispital. LOL.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 01:54 PM FlagIt's such an easy fix you're actually really lucky. I found a surgeon who agreed to perform rhinoplasty, cheek and chin implants on my 6 yo dd. Then I had her hair chemically straightened and highlighted. I had Soul Cycle make her a bike her size so she can spin for 2 hours a day. Definitely don't want her pretty new self getting chunky.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 01:58 PM Flag
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[+] Any mom's of bilingual dc on? If your dc had little exposure to English prior to nur... 9 replies
- Sorry to generalize, I really was sharing only my personal experience with my sister. Also here in the US having known several parents of older adopted kids. Granted, now that I think about it, they're delayed. I guess my 'normal' is a bit skewed. I apologize....
Talk : : April 09, 2012
Any mom's of bilingual dc on? If your dc had little exposure to English prior to nursery/daycare what do you think is the best age to start to make sure dc is ready for school?
9 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.09.12, 01:21 PM Flag ]you child will learn English in school. No need to start it before.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 01:44 PM Flagop: it is not an easy situation to through a 5 yo into. I agree nursery school is not a must in most circumstances but this is one of the exceptions IMO.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 01:52 PM FlagThat's not true - they pick it up almost instantly. PreK is a good idea in general because of the high expectations in K now. My sons go to a dual-language program that is 90% Spanish in K. Most kids don't speak Spanish to start and pick it up almost instantly. It's amazing to watch.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 06:12 PM Flag
My impression has always been that they pick it up really quickly at school, particularly at that age. My sister lives in Russia and has tried to speak English to her kids, but although they 'understand' it, once they started school, they really just adjusted to the language they're surrounded by outside the home. In fact they prefer it, she speaks to them in English and they respond in Russian.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 02:33 PM FlagIt is a common myth that kids pick up language immediately like that.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 02:46 PM FlagRight. Shame this myth won't die already. It has taken my DD 3 years to be demonstrably fluent in her 2nd language. I think she was fluent a bit before the 3 year mark, but was v. shy. Where we live, we are surrounded by the 2nd language - but speak only English at home. Even today, DD vocab in the 2nd language is thinner than her English vocab.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 04:14 PM FlagSorry to generalize, I really was sharing only my personal experience with my sister. Also here in the US having known several parents of older adopted kids. Granted, now that I think about it, they're delayed. I guess my 'normal' is a bit skewed. I apologize.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 06:27 PM Flag
[+] At the risk of being flamed, I am a pretty vain person. And this is what is stopping ... 55 replies
- Np. Ita. +1: you're seriously not the only one who thinks this way. There are many reasons why I don't want another. Including not wanting all that weight gain, insomnia, and piles again! Maybe adopt a child?...
Talk : : April 09, 2012
At the risk of being flamed, I am a pretty vain person. And this is what is stopping me from getting pregnant a third time. It is not necessarily about being skinny per se. I am thin and I don't THINK I will get "fat"-but maybe I will be a lot wider, have more cellulite, etc (stuff I can't control like I would with weight). Is being a blob inevitable with 3 kids? Is there anything I can do to mitigate this in pregnancy? With first 2 dc, I was SO SICK (hospital sick) from m/s throughout my pg so when I did have appetite, I overate. I never moved because I felt so ill all the time
55 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.09.12, 10:18 AM Flag ]-
weight does. and the weight you put on in pregnancy can often lead tp cellulite
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:19 AM Flagneither do. genetics cause cellulite. not much you can do about it either.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:20 AM Flagwell my cellulite magically appeared after I gained 45 lbs with #2
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:21 AM Flagit was always there, trust me. also, you are getting older.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:22 AM Flag-
i know, but aging will cause skin to sag more and cellulite to show more. if you exercise throughout pregnancy that could help but there really isn't much you can do about cellulite, sadly. i was in my 20s and so skinny and i still had cellulite. working out (i do pilates) helps somewhat.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:25 AM Flag
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It sounds like you have some issues in general. Maybe a third pg isn't a good idea because of them.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:20 AM Flagit's probably all genetics. what do your parents/grandparents look like?
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:21 AM Flagugh. I am a size 0 but my mom, HER mom and her Mom were all very obese. They began to put on pounds with age. They were also pretty thin in younger years
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:22 AM Flagwhat about dad's mom. maybe you take after his side of family?
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:24 AM Flag^^^I think this is why I am obsessed with my looks btw. My mom, grandmother, etc were all pretty thin and very beautiful and it all went downhill with age and having 4+ kids
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:24 AM FlagSo what happens if you're not satisfied with your looks after db? My mother obsessed over food and appearance. It's not easy being her daughter. Not saying don't have a db, not have a gameplan to deal with what may be insecurities. Therapy or whatever.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:28 AM Flag-
Then seriously, get some help dealing with it before you have more kids. My mother still obsesses and she's almost 70.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:33 AM Flagrelax, it gives her something to do. My mom is bored out of her mind and just eats.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:44 AM FlagIt's actually a huge problem with her. She still starves herself and can be really insulting if her kids aren't up to her standards. There are plenty of other healthy things to do.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:48 AM Flaghe problem is that she's a perfectionist and critical. Has nothing to do with weight.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:52 AM FlagTrue, but the manifestation of it wasn't helpful to her kids growing up. That's why I advocate getting help with obsessive vanity.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:56 AM Flagbut it's her personality to expect perfection, nitpick, and be critical. If she could change her personality, all the negative attributes associated with it would go away. This isn't a single issue, but a symptom of a larger issue. Can't fix one and not all of it.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 11:10 AM Flag
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Do you want another child? That's the key. The other stuff is only temporary. No, "being a blob" is not inevitable with three kids. I know Moms of four kids who are in amazing shape. The key is if you really want another baby/toddler/child/teen and the responsibility that goes along with that. And if you have the patience to handle them (or the money to outsource).
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:21 AM FlagI have the financial means and I really do want another child. I don't feel like my family is complete yet.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:23 AM Flagnp. Do it. If you're thin after 2 children then you'll be able to keep off the weight after 3. And if there is something genetic to getting heavier with age that's about aging not # of children. Even then don't let it worry you. Women generally were not as athletic and fit back then.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:42 AM Flag
Either you want a kid or don't. Just make up your mind and move on. PS - you sound like someone who should not have another.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:32 AM Flagright. bc women are are concerned with their appearance make awful mothers. only fat, lazy women are good moms. whatever.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:34 AM FlagThere's a difference between mindfulness and obsessive vanity. Huge difference.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:39 AM Flag
If it is important to you and you are thin now, 1 more pg won't change that. You will have less time to work out etc., but after 3dc I am the same size as I was before dc. I had vericose vein issues and I have had them treated and the vein surgeon did say that typically the 3rd time is the charm in terms of vein damage (if you are genetically predisposed to it), but that being said they can be treated and it isn't too expensive so not a reason not to do it.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 11:19 AM Flag
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[+] I don't know what to do...divorced, 2 DC. Have been dating my BF seriously for 2.5 y... 77 replies
- He was adopted - lived until an orphanage until one so Mother issue is realistic....
Talk : : April 09, 2012
I don't know what to do...divorced, 2 DC. Have been dating my BF seriously for 2.5 yrs. I love him - he's a gentleman, sensitive, I know w/o a doubt he loves me and my DC. He's 50 - never been married but a number of long term relationships. His last GF was a disaster and really traumatized him so he didn't date for about 3 yrs before he met me. Anyway, our relationship has lacked all sexual intimacy for months and months. We kiss and hug and regularly tell each other we love each other frequently but overall I'd say we lack affection. I've brought this to his attention many times and I know it's hard for him to hear but he's cognizant of my feelings and the importance I place on intimacy. We live together (no flames, pls) and he literally does nothing around the house, doesn't take the dog out even occasionally w/o me asking, doesn't wake up on holidays to watch kids open presents or find their Easter baskets. He's having a lot of financial issues (we keep everything separate but split all bills and rent)
77 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.09.12, 08:53 AM Flag ]^^every once and awhile for dinner and he rarely gets me a present on my birthday or Xmas. I'm not a materialistic person and really don't 'need' anything g but it's always nice to give a little so
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 08:54 AM Flag^^^sorry. Nice to give a little something. Finally, I have a good job but I still live paycheck to paycheck. My parents v. generously help - they pay the balance btwn what we can afford in rent and the actual rent total, they put down thousands as a security deposit for the rental, they pay a couple utility bills, etc. My BF doesn't like my parents - they weren't extraordinarily keen about me living with him, etc and they worry as he has a good job but isn't solvent due to various bad real estate investments. Plus my parents just have some weird thoughts/beliefs that he doesn't agree with. Im torn btwn love and reality. It sucks.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 09:00 AM Flag
Sounds about right. This is what I would expect from someone who is 50, has never been married and is dating someone who is divorced with 2 kids. What's your question? Will you find someone better? No. Maybe different but not better.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 08:58 AM FlagYou give way too much credit to his last girlfriend. He is selfish. Yes, I remember all of your other posts.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 09:02 AM FlagYou're better off with a female roommate. The sex, affection and physical aspect is the distinguising feature between a significant other and all other relationships. If you were both fine without it, fine. But since you're not, I'd consider other options. He'll probably still be around if you want to come back.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 09:04 AM FlagI don't need a roommate - just don't know what the smart thing to do is b/c I when I love I love. I'm 38 so it sounds like maybe everything besides the intimacy and financial stuff could be due to his age/marital status. The intimacy thing makes me crazy as ex withheld it from me (he was abusive - everything but physically abusive) and I crave the connection.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 09:08 AM FlagJust read the rest of your post about how he doesn't help with anything, has financial troubles, etc. This guy is better than the abusive ex but you really need to keep setting the bar higher. He sounds like an old dog laying around that needs to eat but doesn't contribute. Warm body.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 09:14 AM Flagwe all have different needs, and it is good that you know and acknowledge yours. reading your posts, I would so rather not be in a relationship than be in the one you are in. i'm divorced, but for the sake of my kid would not enter into a relationship that put me in a worse financial situation. and if you need intimacy and he isn't offering it, what exactly is appealing about this relationship?
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 09:17 AM Flag
Your 50 year-old bf is allowing your parents to contribute to his bills? Do you have any self-respect? Is he committed to your children? His ex has nothing to do with how poorly he treats you, and you put up with this.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 09:05 AM FlagI have self respect. The bill thing is most certainly one of the reasons my parents don't like him. It bothers me, too. I don't know what to do.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 09:11 AM FlagGeez. Seriously? Stop taking money from your parents. I've been sending money TO my widowed mother since I was 35. People who take money from their parents after the age of 25 disgust me. You should be ashamed of yourself. Move into a cheaper place. Spend less money. Be responsible.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 09:15 AM Flag
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If this is enough for you, then fine, but the guy is either gay or has a mother issue
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 09:16 AM FlagHe was adopted - lived until an orphanage until one so Mother issue is realistic.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 09:22 AM Flag-
Do you really think he would still have issues that cause certain behaviors at age 50? Do you think the things I've outlined sound like he's treating me like a 'Mother''? Although come to think of it, when we did have sex, he always asked if I'd role play as Mommy.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 09:41 AM Flag
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My two cents, with your history of relationships, you really need intensive counseling so you can get on with your life. You are still young and I am sure could find someone better. I am a strong believer in a positive attitude to attract the right people, that and common sense.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:11 AM FlagI know. I was actually in intensive counseling for yrs....individual and marital including domestic violence counseling. I was a hot mess as I was going through divorce and after. Picked/attracted/dated a few v. wrong guys but things started to click for me as time progressed. My BF fell into my lap via a mutual friend. I've outlined a lot of negatives but I felt like I finally found someone good and kind. Like I said, I love him but (not to beat a dead horse) there are nagging reservations that are boiling over. Idiosynchrocies that only become apparent once you live with someone and experience life's obstacles. The only difference - we're not married.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:26 AM Flag
Gay Uncle here. Sorry, babe, but your BF is a Friend of Dorothy. Not that you couldn't be perfectly happy with a gay man as a life partner, but even Liza tried it and it didn't end well.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:34 AM FlagWhy do you say this? Just wondering b/c obviously I'm clueless.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:40 AM FlagGay Uncle here. MEN NEED SEX. Yes, even the ugly ones and the old ones. And when a man needs sex, he seeks it out. If he's not getting it from you, he's getting it elsewhere. And given that you're not married, if it was with another woman, he would have left you for that other woman a long time ago; men are very simple this way. He's obviously gay and still in the closet; the only sex he might be getting could very well just be with his right hand. But the fact of the matter is, a man who doesn't fuck his wife/girlfriend generally is a man who doesn't want sex with women, period.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:48 AM FlagHmmm. To be a devil's advocate, how to explain my ex who withheld sex from me during our marriage out of cruelty. I know he did not cheat. I guess he used his hand. Question though - if a man consistently prefers anal, is that a fetish or a sign of something else?
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 10:56 AM FlagMay be he's asexual or takes meds that gives him low libido
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 11:10 AM Flag-
depressives have low sex drives and their are PLENTY of male depressives in NYC. combined with the fact that he seems to sleep a lot this could be it. i still think she should move on though. i am however intrigued about her parent's wierd beliefs.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 11:46 AM Flag
Just curious, did you have a really difficult childhood that you are having such relationship issues now?
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 11:18 AM FlagInteresting question. I have v. few memories of my childhood esp my mother. My Dad finally told me about 3 yrs ago that she was bi-polar/manic and had electric shock therapy as last resort when I was young as she couldn't function. My Dad quit his job on Wall St and started his own firm out of the house so he could look after my Mom and us (I'm 1 of 3). We were wealthy so I didn't want for anything material. However I remember having severe separation anxiety when I was 4/5/6 yrs and I had zero self confidence. I finally blosso
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 12:22 PM Flag-
^^blossomed in college but I was attracted to men like my father - strong personalities who were in charge.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 12:24 PM Flagalso, my anxiety re-surfaced on 9/11. I was on the corner of church & liberty - couldn't get through to anyone. 2nd plane hit while I was there. I eventually had to quit my job b/c I couldn't stand being separated by now ex DH. Had DC about a year later and was a SAHM for 4 yrs. Marriage was abusive, etc, etc. Divorced in '09.
[ Reply | More ]04.09.12, 12:29 PM Flag
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[+] Dear Teachers: This is an anonymous post. Aside from crazy poster today what's your w... 37 replies
- crying. Called dept. of children and family and they couldn't prove anything. The social worker was lovely though. I wanted to adopt the student and would have taken his brother and sister too. The mom yanked them out of our school because of...
- PP, I should clarify that the mom didn't yank her kids out because I wanted to adopt them, she yanked them out because I reported her....
Talk : : April 07, 2012
Dear Teachers: This is an anonymous post. Aside from crazy poster today what's your worst parent story ever. We won't tell.
37 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.07.12, 03:53 PM Flag ]This was actually hard to come up with. I had a parent recalculate a grade and say I was off by .2%. We used letter grades so it did not matter and I used a spreadsheet, so it wasn't a math mistake, but a detail in the formula. Another parent didn't call me back when I was calling her from the EMERGENCY room on December 23rd and couldn't get to the hospital for 4 and a half hours!!! No last minute Xmas presents for my nephews!
[ Reply | More ]04.07.12, 03:58 PM FlagI teach preschool and get at least one parent a year who tells me how stupid my job and preschool in general is. It is usually a Dad and he is usually a very rich lawyer/finance guy. Every fucking year.
[ Reply | More ]04.07.12, 03:59 PM FlagOh my this should be a movie. Imagine if you went into his job and criticized his position.
[ Reply | More ]04.07.12, 04:00 PM FlagI find it so rude. Especially when it is during a parent/teacher conference. Some of the dads are so rude I wish they didn't come. If you can't take off your sunglasses,stay home.
[ Reply | More ]04.07.12, 04:03 PM Flag-
That I can understand. It is rude,but people have busy lives. I once had a guy lay in the beanbag and check his email while his wife and I conducted the conference. A mom once showed up for a Halloween party in a costume with thigh highs and heels. She looked like a whore and I was embarrassed for her.
[ Reply | More ]04.07.12, 04:10 PM Flag
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I have a theory that a lot of the anti-teacher posts on UB come from dh's. I remember one post started by a teacher that attracted a heckler that sounded very male to me for some reason. I think a lot of it is men in law and finance who think anyone who goes into any other profession is stupid.
[ Reply | More ]04.07.12, 06:25 PM Flag
I had a parent tell me that her kid didn't have to respect me because 1) her nanny earned more than me and 2) she taught her to respect intelligence and ambition, not the bottom 5% of the graduating class. Also, in a public school, I got punched in the face.
[ Reply | More ]04.07.12, 04:01 PM FlagHow old was the dd who said that? I would feel like a failure as a parent if my dc's ever spoke to a teacher or any grown up like that. Sorry.
[ Reply | More ]04.07.12, 04:05 PM Flag
I taught at a daycare/preschool and the worst parents were the ones who brought their children in sick and miserable. We called a mom one afternoon b/c her dd had a fever and the mom was right back at the school the next a.m. I feel sorry for parents without backup, but making everyone else in the school sick is not the solution.
[ Reply | More ]04.07.12, 04:18 PM FlagI have stories from the private school world and the public school world. Private School Story: a mom called me 15 minutes after a final to tell me that her daughter felt her essay question was unfair (they were all different). Public School Story: Aside from the kids sleeping on dirty mattresses on the floor, I once had a mom tell me she had bought a funeral insurance policy for her foster son because she thought he'd get shot in less than three years. Gang stuff, etc.
[ Reply | More ]04.07.12, 07:01 PM FlagI've not had too many obnoxious parent stories, but I have had a bunch of sad ones. One was a parent who was locking her children in their apartment for 18 hours a day in the summer with no food and no AC. Her kid would call me at home (yes, I gave him my number out of fear for him) crying. Called dept. of children and family and they couldn't prove anything. The social worker was lovely though. I wanted to adopt the student and would have taken his brother and sister too. The mom yanked them out of our school because of it. The student is a grown man now and he is doing okay. I also had a mentally ill mother of a student who was also probably mentally ill. I went to visit her at her home. They were on the 3rd floor. The 2nd floor "tenants" below them were at least a dozen prostitutes all living together in a one bedroom apartment. The student's apartment had only one entrance, totally in violation of fire code. The mom couldn't afford to pay for heat so she used space heaters and left the oven door open. All my parent stories are the sad kind.
[ Reply | More ]04.07.12, 07:23 PM Flagteaching nearly 20 years, so too many funny/terribly sad: parents who wrote absence note to excuse DC for missing an exam to audition for "American Idol", parent who told me the poor grade I gave DC would prevent her from becoming an astronaut, parent who told me I couldn't tell her identical twins apart when one was a miserable bitch and the other, a saint. I could go on...
[ Reply | More ]04.07.12, 11:21 PM FlagSo I worked at a preschool for a little while and couldn't stand it. I loved the kids. But it was eh after awhile. I tried, I really did. But parents snapping at me, I can't handle it. Some parents nag at me and I can't say anything back because the kids are right there in the room and I don't want to upset one by arguing with their parent in front of them. Another mom snapped at me for something I didn't even do/ hadn't been trained on. Just the attitude of "you owe me this, because I am giving all of this money to the school" really irks me. Well, folks I don't make enough to be your emotional whipping boy so that is why I don't work there anymore. There were awesome parents, but the parents with issues I have absolutely no patience for, especially when it is just their personality.
[ Reply | More ]04.08.12, 12:39 PM Flag
[+] Old fashioned expressions that people brought back to life that you're now sick of he... 8 replies
- Then in his case it's not an affectation. I'm just sick of Americans trying to adopt it to sound quaint!...
Talk : : April 06, 2012
[+] basmati rice, charoset, chicken dish, fish cake & cucumber salad side, grouper & wate... 14 replies
- Nothing's stopping you from adopting Sephardic cuisine....
Talk : : April 06, 2012
basmati rice, charoset, chicken dish, fish cake & cucumber salad side, grouper & watercress salad, beets & orange salad, tagine of butter beans/cherry tom/olives, watermelon & spiced orange granitas...what am I missing????? damn. this is why i shouldn't leave things to the last minute.
14 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.06.12, 12:35 PM Flag ]
[+] Sliding Doors-type poll: What do you think your life would be like now, if you hadn't... 36 replies
- We would be much richer, but I'd probably divorced as my dh really, really wanted kids (whether naturally or through adoption) so if I decided after marriage that I didn't want them, he probably would have left. I'd be very successful career-wise, but probably not as satisfied personally....
Talk : : April 06, 2012
Sliding Doors-type poll: What do you think your life would be like now, if you hadn't decided to have kids?
36 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.06.12, 09:17 AM Flag ]-
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Isn't the lesson from Sliding Doors that no matter what you choose you end up in the same place just by a differernt path?
[ Reply | More ]04.06.12, 09:34 AM FlagIt might look a lot better on the outside (lots more money and all that it buys, more glamorous routine, I'd physically look more attractive) but in terms of spriritual growth and inner peace, it couldn't hold a candle to my life now.
[ Reply | More ]04.06.12, 09:54 AM FlagWe would be much richer, but I'd probably divorced as my dh really, really wanted kids (whether naturally or through adoption) so if I decided after marriage that I didn't want them, he probably would have left. I'd be very successful career-wise, but probably not as satisfied personally.
[ Reply | More ]04.06.12, 09:59 AM FlagI would likely be dead. I was suicidal for a while and when I found out that I was pregnant, I turned my life around.
[ Reply | More ]04.06.12, 10:27 AM Flag-
I said above I'd probably have gone back to school. Definitely would have lived in another country. (Always wanted to study abroad in college but ever did.) What else? Hmmm. You know, I might have ended up moving back to the west coast, to take care of my aging parents. If I were the sibling without kids, it would make sense that I'd have extra time/resources to be their caregiver or oversee that stuff.
[ Reply | More ]04.06.12, 10:59 AM FlagHow old are your kids? I am planning on going to live in another country for a year with the kids when they are a bit older. I know it isn't the same as when you are young but you can still do it. I understand about the parents. I lost my father a few years ago.
[ Reply | More ]04.06.12, 11:05 AM Flag
One of the few choices I don't ever wonder about. Now if you had said, taking first job out of grad school, staying in NYC, something like that, then I'd have something to say!
[ Reply | More ]04.06.12, 10:59 AM FlagHuh, I guess the cheese stands alone. Im not conflicted in my choice either. I just like playing what if. What if I'd never met DH? Who would I be with right now? (I can't imagine loving Anyone more than I love him, so it's weird.) What of I'd picked a different university? Or job? Or turned left at that light instead of right?
[ Reply | More ]04.06.12, 11:02 AM Flag
[+] Any European history moms on tonight? I have a question. I'm doing some ancestral his... 23 replies
- OP: Thanks, Genealogy Mom. My grandfather was born with a German name. He adopted an Italian surname after WWI due to discrimination, but he always had a German first name and surname which he used as a middle name and the Italian surname that he pulled out of thin air, according to my father. He...
Talk : : April 05, 2012
Any European history moms on tonight? I have a question. I'm doing some ancestral history research and I'm a bit confused. My grandfather was born in Trieste in 1900. In 1900, Trieste was part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire. In his US naturalization papers, it says he was an Italian citizen, although Trieste did not become part of Italy until 1918. DC asked me why he wouldn't be considered Austrian or Hungarian rather than Italian since that's what the country was when he was born. How does the citizenship thing work when places become parts of other countries after you are born there? Just curious.
23 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.05.12, 07:39 PM Flag ]Being born in part of X empire isn't the same as being born in X. The US was part of the British empire, but someone born in the colony of New York could never say that he was born in England.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:04 PM FlagBut that person born in NY while it was still a British colony was still a British Subject. Just as someone born in Puerto Rico is US citizen, even if PR isn't a state. OPs question is about citizenship changing as borders shift. IIRC, generally speaking citizenship is determined by whatever the current borders may be, not by borders at birth. Just because Trieste was part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire when OPs grandfather was born doesn't mean that it's residents remained Austro-Hungarian subjects after WWI and the breakup of that empire. They became Italian, as did OPs grandfather.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:10 PM FlagOP: I'm not sure I follow your argument. If he was born in Trieste in the Austro-Hungarian Empire (that was the name of the "country" if you will), How was he born in Italy if it didn't become part of Italy until 18 years after his birth? I guess a more modern day example would be someone who was born in Belgrade when it was part of Yugoslavia. Now it's not Yugoslavia anymore. I guess they go back retrospectively and say, "You were born in Belgrade. You are now Serbian." Trying to figure out how to explain this to DC.....
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:15 PM Flag
Genealogy mom here: First thing you have to realize is that anyone filling out any documentation took great liberty with the facts. If your grandfather was an Italian speaker, that would have been the primary factor in designating his provenance. Second: When was he naturalized? If it was 1918 or later, the Empire was kaput and it would no longer have been relevant to the paper pusher who processed your grandfather's citizenship.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:28 PM FlagOP: Thanks, Genealogy Mom. My grandfather was born with a German name. He adopted an Italian surname after WWI due to discrimination, but he always had a German first name and surname which he used as a middle name and the Italian surname that he pulled out of thin air, according to my father. He was naturalized in 1945, so Italy was the country in which Trieste was located at that time.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:36 PM FlagDo you know what his mother tongue was? You said he was naturalized in '45, but do you know when he first landed in the US?
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:39 PM FlagOP: I do not know what his mother tongue was. From what I've read, most people in Trieste at that time spoke Italian or Slovene. A small percentage spoke German. I know my father spoke German, even though he was born in Latin America, where my grandfather emigrated in the 1920s, so I assume that his father also spoke German, but I don't know for sure. He landed in the US in 1941.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:48 PM FlagRats. Too bad he didn't make it in a year earlier. THe '40 census was just released, so that would have given some clues about his language. Have you found any records of his entry?
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:54 PM FlagOP: Darn! Missed it by a year. I know the name of the ship he came on, the date and the port of entry, but I have never gone so far as to dig up the passenger list. How do you do this?
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:58 PM FlagThe Mormons are your friends. Look up what you can on Familysearch.org- which is free. Thereafter, you can do some digging on Ancestry.com (another Mormon operation) by paying for a one-month membership. They have tons of ship manifests. You can also go to your local LDS genealogy. I am not Mormon, but I have gone to my local library and was really impressed by the helpfulness. And nobody tried to convert me (though I suppose they may try after I've passed!).
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 09:03 PM FlagThanks, Genealogy Mom! That's great advice. I am now watching this post to remind me of where to go to get more info. DC will enjoy helping me do some research. Our story is complicated because it crosses so many countries and random name changes, but I do have a box of documents from my father that is a good starting point. Thanks again.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 09:07 PM FlagIt's a rewarding family hobby to share with your DCs (albeit a dorky one) in terms of learning about history, geography and personal heritage. I don't want to sound like a shill for them, but Ancestry.com is a great service. You can do some serious research and see scans of all the original documents and build out your family tree. You can even order a poster once you've filled in a few generations. Given your multi-continental heritage, I'd definitely recommend going to an Latter Day Saints library- especially if you have your own documents- they are just like detectives sitting around waiting for a good case and the sight of those docs will really get them going. They will help you for free and will just be happy to have a new mystery to solve.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 09:29 PM Flag
np--Ancestry.com can be accessed for free at the New York Public Library.
[ Reply | More ]04.06.12, 05:04 AM Flag
Not sure if this helps, but my great-grandfather was born circa 1900 part of Ukraine that was Austro-Hungary at the time of his birth. His birth certificate, which we found some 1960-ish version of just recently, says he was Austrian (i.e. not Russian, not Ukrainian). Though he was, in terms of language, culture, etc. Ukrainian.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:30 PM FlagDepends on how the recording immigration officer did it. I've come across not just amazing misspellings (even on old censuses), but places of birth that say "Poland, Russia" - which I suppose technically is true, since in the 1910s Poland was part of the Russian empire. But who knows how the guy one desk down would've recorded it.
[ Reply | More ]04.06.12, 04:56 AM Flag
[+] advice for a pre-nup needed. if dh earns $150-180K, has substantial amount in retire... 34 replies
- what happens if you two can't have children? lots of people discuss one parent SAH but if you're drafting a prenup you also need to consider the possibility that you never get pregnant, he won't adopt, and your earnings take a big jump....
Talk : : April 05, 2012
advice for a pre-nup needed. if dh earns $150-180K, has substantial amount in retirement funds, very little in savings, not much in equity in his condo, and if dw earned $50K, had $390K in savings, substantial in retirement (altho not as much as dh) and they agreed that she'd be SAHM, what kind of pre-nup would you draft? dh wants to pay all bills (mortgage, utilities, groceries) but also wants to make all financial decisions. no flamers, please. (yes, i know it's not 1953.)
34 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.05.12, 11:54 AM Flag ]Protect your initial savings. At least 1/2 of all money saved/ assets acquired during the marriage, and 1/2 his income for life in alimony/child support (unless you get remarried).
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 11:57 AM FlagAre you going to be able to live on his salary alone? -- make sure to stipulate a minimum number in the alimony/ child support requirement. He shouldn't have an out to be a deadbeat and lose his job and stop paying.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 11:58 AM FlagSeems very one-sided pro-DW. DH's lawyer would never agree to this.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 12:04 PM FlagShe's giving up her income and life. He should give her 1/2 of everything forever if they split up - unless she cheats - then she made her bed.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 12:45 PM FlagMake sure he is required to fully fund an IRA every year for you. All money in savings/retirement prior to marriage is separate money. All money earned after marriage is joint money. Which does mean that you have a say. Push back hard on that--you need a right to have input on financial decisions. Think and talk about how this will work. Will he give you a certain amount periodically to maintain house? Will you budget together? If he wants you to give up your job to SAHM, then you need to be an equal partner in the financial decisions.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 12:51 PM Flag
The divorce lawyer Marvin Mitchelson has said he's never seen a marriage WITH a pre-nup that did NOT end in divorce. You either trust somebody or you don't. If you hedge your bets at the outset of a marriage, you're not really getting married -- you're really just dating. And, as people who are merely dating inevitably do, you will break up. If you really think you need a pre-nup, you probably do...which just means you shouldn't get married in the first place.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 12:27 PM FlagThat is just silly, and marketing for a divorce lawyer. My parents had a pre-nup and were married for 47 years before my Dad died. I have a pre-nup and my DH and I credit the discussions that preceded it for the fact that we never fight about money. Divorce lawyers make more money when there is no pre-nup and everything has to be litigated, so of course he's trying to encourage people no to have them.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 12:40 PM FlagI'm not a divorce lawyer and I'm not naive enough to believe everything I hear. Besides, Marvin Mitchelson has more business and money than he knows what to do with; I don't think he needs to discourage the masses from getting pre-nups just to ensure he'll get more business down the road. I'm happy for you that your parents were so happy together and i wish you and your husband all the best. But I stand by my assertion that beginning a marriage with, "If we end up getting divorced, this is how we'll divide things..." is not really getting married -- it's taking vows with your fingers crossed behind your back.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 01:05 PM FlagI clearly disagree with you, but reasonable minds can differ.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 01:27 PM Flagnp: I think that that's a simplistic way of looking at a pre-nup and I also think it's naive to think that when a marriage breaks down people will be civil. If you both agree up front that one of you will stay home for a certain period of time, sometimes it's good to have that in writing, bc as time goes on and the WOH spouse gets stressed about money or the SAH spouse changes their mind, it's easy to start remembering things differently. Also, lots of people have more complicated situations - businesses, family homes, children from prior marriage, debt, etc. and it makes sense to acknowledge what's what. Not just in the event of a divorce, but in the event of later disagreements.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 02:00 PM Flag
i disagree as well. especially when there is disparity in the relationship. sometimes the woman is the provider and child bearer and if something were to happen, due even to infidelity on the dh part, why should he or she be entitled to half the assets from before the marriage? and as far as retirement/ERISA money, if one spouse does not have an opportuity to save any longer, they should be entitled to some of the others retirement assets perhaps but not necessarily half. and not all things have to be decided before. the alimony and child support can be left out. it can be purely to keep what's one personas life savings as that.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 02:05 PM Flag
This is an easy one. There's no need for a pre-nup because the fiance is a jerk. Don't marry him.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 12:33 PM Flagwow, i thought pre-nups were only when things were crazily one-sided. guess not...
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 01:16 PM Flag-
Not to be rude, but why do you need a pre-nup? He makes a good living but he's not exactly a Kennedy. I think of pre-nups as something you do only if you have money falling out of your ears and hence a legitimate fear that someone may be marrying you with a plan to get half of it. And WHY does he want to make *all* financial decisions? Sounds very rigid and strange to me. Even if you're a SAHM you should still be treated as a partner in those.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:40 PM FlagAfter 5 years of marriage, the significance of the pre-wedding earnings disparity disappears, but DW is disadvantaged by not advancing her career during the marriage. And the difference between the parties in assets entering the marriage is not huge. So, if they divorce after 5 years of marriage, DW gets alimony equal to half of his earnings minus what she could reasonably be expected to make until he reaches retirement age (65?). Also, assets are split. If there are DC and she gets custody, then she is not expected to earn until they reach school age and she gets child support.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:44 PM Flag
[+] Who are you irrationally annoyed by? Me -- my boyfriend's ex-fiance. 15 replies
- When we were adopting, she claimed she and DH had plans to adopt a baby from France at some point. Because she's of French extraction and she would really enjoy teaching a child about their mutual...) I debated about whether to even get into the fact that there is no international adoption program in France but it probably would have been like shooting fish in a barrel....
Talk : : April 05, 2012
Who are you irrationally annoyed by? Me -- my boyfriend's ex-fiance.
15 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.05.12, 11:42 AM Flag ]-
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She's competitive and talks out of her ass. No matter what you say, she's done one better. Most of her questions are meant just to get an answer out of you that she can top. Did you know that she only quit soccer because she was so good that the other teams in her area complained that games were no longer fair for the league when she played? Did you know that she won an award for sledding in elementary school? Where in town do you live? Because she and her DH looked there when they were moving in and thought 'they could never live there' .. and so on.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 11:58 AM FlagLOL she sounds really insecure. I didn't know you could win a "sledding" award! LOL.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 11:59 AM FlagWhen we were adopting, she claimed she and DH had plans to adopt a baby from France at some point. Because she's of French extraction and she would really enjoy teaching a child about their mutual cultural background. (You know, better than, like, a family in France.) I debated about whether to even get into the fact that there is no international adoption program in France but it probably would have been like shooting fish in a barrel.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 12:11 PM Flag
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[+] What is the biggest mistake you've ever made? Do you now understand why you made it?... 18 replies
- Adopting two children as a 55 year old woman. I needed material for my column. Yes....
Talk : : April 05, 2012
What is the biggest mistake you've ever made? Do you now understand why you made it? Have you forgiven yourself for it?
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.05.12, 10:57 AM Flag ]I lived with an older, abusive man because I couldnt' afford to pay rent on my own. I regret it to this day and it was 20 years ago. I can't even utter his name. I wish I had the courage to have left him in the first few months. Now that I am his age I hate him even more.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 11:00 AM FlagI can't say because I don't care to be flamed. I understand why I made it and I cannot forgive myself for it. It involved another person and changed our lives. I was at a very low point in my life. I would not undo the mistake since it's made our lives better, but it changed so many things.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 11:08 AM Flag-
I repeatedly bullied someone on an anonymous forum. Yes. Yes.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 11:27 AM FlagAdopting two children as a 55 year old woman. I needed material for my column. Yes.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 11:48 AM Flag
[+] Do any moms have an issue with being mistaken for your own dc's babysitter? My dc ge... 44 replies
- Asian (I'm caucasian). When I am out w my DD, I have had people assume she is adopted (which is a little annoying) but oddly, they never assume DS isn't mine....
- is Japanese, and I can't tell you how many times perfect strangers have made comments to me about my adopted babies....
- ^ And ftr, my dc aren't adopted, they just look like their dad. But even if they were adopted, WTF? Who asks a question like that?? (A lot of people, that's who.)...
Talk : : April 05, 2012
Do any moms have an issue with being mistaken for your own dc's babysitter? My dc gets asked many times if I were his babysitter. WTF is how I feel.
44 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.05.12, 03:20 AM Flag ]Need to dress up a little more probably...have a good Filipina friend and this happened to her all the time. She finally started to wear 'outfits' every day to distinguish herself. Personally I wouldn't care...and if it held back other moms at the park/school from talking to me, they might not be the kind of moms I'd befriend anyway.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 03:26 AM FlagI get asked all the time, ppl assume because I'm hispanic I must be the nanny? I have all 3 of my dcs in private school and even the nannies thought I was the nanny. I cannot tell you how many times in the last 13 yrs this has happened to me. The weird thing is that 2 of my dcs are my exact face...no way in hell I could be the nanny
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 03:59 AM Flagnope. it's the way you dress. i live in a wealthy suburb and there's one single white mom who gets mistaken for a nanny all the time b/c she's a bit heavy-set and dresses very casually. otoh, we have salvadoran and columbian moms who dress to the nines and they never get mistaken for nannies.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 09:48 AM Flag
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sometimes, i put my foot in my mouth, too. once, i asked this man who was much, much older than his wife if he was the father. i said "and are you jack's father?" of course he was jake's father. why would jake's grandpa be at school with jake's mom on parent's night? he just looked so much older. some of us just have less oral motor control than we should.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 09:50 AM Flag
my sitter is often mistaken for my son's mom, if it makes you feel any better. people just make assumptions. they both have brown hair and blue green eyes. it is what it is.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 05:29 AM FlagAll the time if I go out w/ my youngest alone. He's super white (like his dad) my first DS and I are much darker. If I have them out together, I get asked if they have the same father. I hate it. WTF is wrong w/ people?
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 06:01 AM FlagThis is very different from the OP's issue. It's obviously rude to ask someone about the paternity of their children. The babysitting assumption might come out of ignorance (if the mom is a different race than the child, or whatever), but it's not an obviously rude question. Just an incorrect assumption.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 06:31 AM FlagI get mistaken for a sitter if I go out on a weekday with my very white son alone. Doesn't happen w/ my other son. It is completely because of my skin-tone.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 06:50 AM Flagnp: So what? Why do you care so much? This happens to me, but I just say "No, I am their mother." I don't care if the question is asked in front of my kids either. Are you projecting your own feelings and interpretation on the situation perhaps? Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? Liek they say, "Don't sweat the small stuff."
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:05 AM Flag
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You know, I have a friend who is white (Jewish) but her kids look just like dh (blonde wasp) and she was asked all the time if she was the babysitter. Happens all the time. People are idiots.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 06:33 AM FlagThis happens to me fairly often. I've never cared at all. Is there a more specific reason this bothers you? I just don't see what there is to be upset about.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 06:34 AM FlagFor the women who say it happens to you but it doesn't bother you, are you all white? I think it would bother the heck out of me if someone automatically assumed that I couldn't be my DC's mother bc I was too brown. I have the opposite situation where people sometimes assume my nanny is the mother bc she is Filipina and my DCs are half Asian (I'm caucasian). When I am out w my DD, I have had people assume she is adopted (which is a little annoying) but oddly, they never assume DS isn't mine.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:45 AM Flag? So, if we're black we should be offended, but it's okay not to be offended if we're white? Your feelings on race appear to be showing.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:58 AM FlagSo you are a black mother who is not offended? Do I understand that correctly? It's the opposite, in China my DH was mistaken for my driver/tour guide multiple times and it bothered him. When you are assumed to be "the help" solely because of your skin color, I think that would be very tiresome. I was asking the question and partly assuming (in your case incorrectly?), that it didn't bother these women bc they were white and hadn't ever really experienced being discriminated against.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:01 AM Flaglol. but if your husband were mistaken for soem celebrity or a distinguished guest like prince phillip or something, that would totally be kosher, right? people are so hung up on socio-economic status but they have to mask it as racial sensitivities b/c it's not acceptable to be snooty.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 09:57 AM FlagNP: I can understand why women who aren't white are more sensitive, but the point is that some things AREN'T about race. If white women get asked this, too, doesn't it suggest that sometimes a question is just a question? Not everything that relates to looks is in itself discrimination.
[ Reply | More ]04.08.12, 01:35 PM Flag
I'm Asian and get asked a lot if I'm a babysitter. A lot of kids think Asian = babysitter/nanny.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:02 AM FlagNo, but I'm white and my DH is Japanese, and I can't tell you how many times perfect strangers have made comments to me about my adopted babies.
[ Reply | More ]04.07.12, 04:15 PM Flag
[+] I'm 32 and single and all of the sudden the biological clock hit. Never really wanted... 4 replies
- it happens like that sometimes. You are still young, but if I were you I would start saving $$, looking into adoption, sperm donor, etc. You don't have to do anything yet, but knowledge is power....
Talk : : April 04, 2012
I'm 32 and single and all of the sudden the biological clock hit. Never really wanted kids and now I'm thinking about babies every day. UGH.
4 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.04.12, 06:19 PM Flag ]Was in your shoes. Met DH, love of my life, when I was 32. Had our kids at age 34 and 39. Second pregnancy was taking a long while - ultimately required fertility treatment. So you are wise to focus now. My advice is when you meet Mr. Right, don't have a year-long engagement like we did - wastes precious time. Good luck!
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 07:15 PM Flag
[+] I want to apply to private hs for ds when he starts 8 th grade next fall. He is smart... 13 replies
- For your information I adopted him and his two brothers from foster care when people said they were retarted and put in special ed. He is extremely smart and deserves everything other kids have....
Talk : : April 04, 2012
I want to apply to private hs for ds when he starts 8 th grade next fall. He is smart, very nerdy. He loves photography. What are some good schools to apply to. Brooklyn and Manhattan and Bronx. Our hhi is 200k but we will be having dc # 5 so we would need some aid. Thanks.
13 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.04.12, 04:07 PM Flag ]And you should get aid because you decided to have five kids? I really don't get this thought process.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:16 PM FlagApply broadly to all of the schools. Really hard to tell until his ISEE scores.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:18 PM FlagTell the school his life story. I work in admissions - that would matter to us A LOT!
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:33 PM Flag
[+] Any single mothers on who can tell me it gets easier? 1 db, just me 100%. It's wonde... 17 replies
- YES! I wish I had done so. Thing is, I wasn't really single mother by choice. Unplanned pregnancy, guy not involved. But if I had it to do over again I would strongly consider insemination or adoption for second. I had a big family and I feel lonely for my son. I just try to make our house the playdate house, see cousins a lot, and generally be a fun mom to keep things full and lively....
Talk : : April 04, 2012
Any single mothers on who can tell me it gets easier? 1 db, just me 100%. It's wonderful most of the time. Always completely physically and mentally depleting. But on some days, I just don't know how I'm gonna pull it off. And that mega millions didn't quite work out.
17 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.04.12, 03:55 PM Flag ]-
Not a single mom, but it gets WAYYYY better as they get older. I feel like the pre-2 years were much harder than the post-2 years. Everything got better. Not easier, but better. Hang in there.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:06 PM FlagThat's good to hear. My db is a very easy baby, so I'm always surprised at how hard/tiring it is even given that. Glad you think the post 2s are better.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:14 PM FlagYes, I really do think that. My ds was an "easy baby" by most people's definitions as well. Sensitive, always hungry, cried (hard) when tired or hungry, and didn't sleep well until 8 months, but other than that, all-around great, fun baby. However, caring for a baby is so much harder, IMHO. Your body still hasn't recovered fully from pregnancy until around year 3 (and I'm not talking about weight - I'm talking physiologically and hormonally) and everything is new and scary. It's just hell, even with a wonderful, perfect baby. It gets better!
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 05:28 PM Flag
I think it gets a bit harder from 12-18 mos, to be honest, b/c they are so active. But then it gets easier, and by about 4 it gets significantly easier. Get all the help you can and take a ton of pictures. As hard as it is right now, you will pine for these days when he is in K. Best of luck to you.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:17 PM FlagMy friends with dbs in that range are a bit run ragged right now, so makes sense. I'm definitely taking a ton of pictures. And you're right, I already think db is too grown up and miss the first few months...when I was even more tired and strung out. Ha. Can I ask what exactly gets so much easier at 4? Just self sufficiency?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:24 PM Flagor: yes, more self sufficiency. You don't panic if they are in a room alone. No more diapers, strollers, sippy cups, etc. You just walk out the door together. They can tell you if they are sick or hurt...communication just makes things so much easier. By 5 they can take their own shower! Of course, that's the physical stuff...it gets harder emotionally, I think. But that's parenthood.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:34 PM Flag
I can, single mom to twin DDs. They are 19yrs now and things get way easier. I have been their sole provider since the day they were born but they do have a grandmother who helps out trememdously.I have great friends too.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:25 PM FlagTwin DDs. Alright, then I should stop complaining since you've done double. :) Great to know it gets easier. The finances are my biggest concern, but I guess you just find a way. And I've been overwhelmed by how much friends have helped. If you'd had just one, do you think you would have had a second so that the first could have a sibling? Probably tough to answer.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:39 PM FlagYES! I wish I had done so. Thing is, I wasn't really single mother by choice. Unplanned pregnancy, guy not involved. But if I had it to do over again I would strongly consider insemination or adoption for second. I had a big family and I feel lonely for my son. I just try to make our house the playdate house, see cousins a lot, and generally be a fun mom to keep things full and lively.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:48 PM FlagI don't know who would be rude enough to respond to my response but to answer your question I make a little less than 30k a year and I send both of my girls to college. They always go to bed full and they are always clean, and very healthy considering they were preemies. Also I am an only child and to be honest if theywould have not come in a set I would only have one DB.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 07:16 PM Flag
I am a single mother to a seven year old. It gets so much easier. I miss those days, I have to say, so do try to enjoy them, even when they are hard. I took solace in the incredible bond that my son and I had (and still have). I agree with the Superwoman post - it is an amazing feeling to know that you can take care of this little person in every way and they trust you 100% to do so. Try to find some single mother friends. I did, when he was about 2, and it really helped. We would each take the other's kid occasionally for a few hours on weekends. We would have dinners and picnics with them. They are still really close family friends, and it is a safety net. You are awesome and you will do a great job!
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:44 PM FlagThis is so good to hear. I definitely do enjoy so much of it. Completely obsessed with db. The exhaustion and never get super solid sleep just tends to pile up. And I think I just get tired of never having someone to hand you the bottle or help clean up or get ready. I definitely have found a few single mom friends so I'll lean on them more. Thanks so much for writing. I really appreciate it. Oh and are you the person above who wishes they had had a second?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:58 PM Flag
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[+] Psychic Mom, are you on? 76 replies
- You will have two children, one adopted and one biological. The number will be fine for you, just be open to their many gifts and new, beautiful ideas about what family means....
Talk : : April 04, 2012
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What do you see in terms of my career path? Is DH's firm (the one he has on the side) going to take off? Will we move back to NY? Will we have #3?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 03:38 PM Flag-
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Is my baby or boy or a girl? (I'll find out in 6 weeks and check back with you) :)
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 03:58 PM FlagI always ask "Psychic Mom" the same question ("What is my name?") so she can prove her abilities. She never answers. Shocker. I can't believe anyone actually believes in this nonsense!
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:22 PM FlagDo my parents like my husband? Do they think he is good for me? A good dad?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:34 PM Flagnp. how many dcs will I have? will I have regrets (too many/too few)?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 05:46 PM Flag-
[+] Has anyone read this "letter" by Joyce Maynard? At the age of 55 with 3 grown childre... 13 replies
- extreme stories I have heard with regard to rare adoption disruptions), without more details, I condemn first and...
- why didn't the adoption work?...
- big family with other kids, then why did she adopt at age 55 when her kids were out of...narcissistic. I wouldn't be surprised if she adopted only to create a new storyline for herself....ever made". One of the responses was: "Adopting two children at age 55 as a single...
Talk : : April 04, 2012
Has anyone read this "letter" by Joyce Maynard? At the age of 55 with 3 grown children, she adopted a 6 and 11 year old from Ethiopia, her letter is about how hard she tried to make it work .... But how the adoption "failed." the children are with a new family now. It is a well written, complex and heart breaking letter. She is incredibly honest. Though she states there is much more that she hasn't yet explained .... Like why the adoption failed. Here's the link: http://www.joycemaynard.com/Joyce_Maynard/LETTERS/Entries/2012/4/4_LETTER_FROM_JOYCE.html
13 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.04.12, 09:40 AM Flag ]Well, there's little detail in there, but unless the girls tried to burn her house down or she would wake up to find them standing over her with knives (extreme stories I have heard with regard to rare adoption disruptions), without more details, I condemn first and exonerate later.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:47 AM FlagI'm sure she did everything possible to make it work, but I do agree it's odd that she offered no explanation. Maybe to give the children and their new family private time?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:49 AM FlagI agree that's possible and I'd agree with that. The children deserve their privacy. However, I can't exactly just go and give a blanket pardon and presume it was for the best, either. Not that she's asking for my personal forgiveness or anything. It was mostly kind of a 'please go away and leave me alone' letter. I'll reserve my blessings for the family who does have the children.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:54 AM Flag
Joyce Maynard is the woman who had an affair with JD Salinger when she was very young and spent the rest of life parlaying that into a "career". Honestly, the whole thing just seems monumentally selfish to me. Adopting kids is not like adopting kittens, you don't get to take it back. If she thought they needed a big family with other kids, then why did she adopt at age 55 when her kids were out of the house. She wanted to make herself feel good, but then they got in the way of her life-style? I agree, we don't know the full story, but unless it was something very extreme, as the OR said, I am pretty appalled.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 10:29 AM FlagI unfortunately once had professional dealings with Joyce Maynard is she is beyond narcissistic. I wouldn't be surprised if she adopted only to create a new storyline for herself.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 10:49 AM Flag-
There's another Urban Baby New York posting about "the niggest mistake you ever made". One of the responses was: "Adopting two children at age 55 as a single mother...[did it] beause I need material for my column." I can't believe this is a conincidence; the response must have come from Joyce Maynard. I'm sure the poor children are better off with their new family.
[ Reply | More ]04.06.12, 01:13 AM Flag
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[+] HELP! We adopted two kittens from a shelter last year and one of them keeps 'violati... 19 replies
- 'm hardhearted, nope, just practical -- ironically, I'm typing this with our cat asleep in my lap, no kidding. I had my first cat for over 16 years; my cats are as indulged as my dc. BUT between my first cat and this cat, we adopted a feral cat who the vet said was socialized and would make a good pet. HA. The little sociopath hid under the bed for a month, coming out sometimes to cuddle with me at night (fooled me bigtime) -- until she decided one morning it was...
Talk : : April 04, 2012
HELP! We adopted two kittens from a shelter last year and one of them keeps 'violating' my furniture. He has peed on my brand new sofa, so many times that it has to be reupholstered (it probably will need more than that). He pees in my dd's hamper. He has 3 favorite poo spots that are not the litter box. I don't get it. I've had cats my whole life and never had a problem like this. I clean the litter box minimum of once a day (often more) but I don't think it's a litterbox thing. I don't know what it is. I hate this cat. Any suggestions would be appreciated it. I have already thrown out 2 of my upholstered chairs.
19 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.04.12, 05:30 AM Flag ]-
I asked our vet about it, this cat is really neurotic. He won't let anyone touch him or pick him up, so I haven't been able to take him in for the vet to examine him. Vet suggested multiple litter boxes, which we tried, but the two cats only used one (the same one) so eventually I got rid of the others. I feel like this cat is basically feral.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 05:40 AM FlagCan you drug him (vet could suggest the med?) so you can bring him to the vet for an exam? It very well may be a physical issue the vet can identify, or if it's mental and he's peeing because of nervousness or whatever then maybe there's a drug that would chill the cat out. Drugs aren't great but better than him winding up back at the shelter??
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 05:52 AM FlagThe vet did give me a sleeping pill for him, which I ground up and put in his food, which this cat wouldn't eat. I dream of getting rid of him. My two obstacles are my family which says that sending cat to shelter is a death sentence and the fact that I can't get him into a carrier. It makes me feel bad to hate a creature of God, but I hate this cat.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 06:16 AM Flaghonestly, I would speak with your vet about having the cat put down privately. It would really be cruel to bring it back to the shelter because it has no chance of finding a stable home with its current social issues. I posted below about having a similar issue and our cat grew out of it, but he was always very friendly and loving. The shelter would be much more cruel than having the kitty put down because the end result would be the same but through a much more stressful and scary route.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 06:27 AM Flag
I am an owfull person and this cat would be back at the shelter.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 05:57 AM FlagOK, I might be able to help. 1 - are they both neutered? 2 - go back to three litter boxes, at least one should be uncovered. 3 - try the "Cat Attract" litter or add their supplement to the litter you have. If all this doesn't work he may need to find another home where he can go outside. GL
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 06:07 AM Flag-
Ugh we went through this. It lasted for three years. We finally gave up on having a couch for two years. Make sure you are cleaning the litter boxes twice a day (scooping). Ours eventually just grew out of it. A lot of times there are physical issues and not just behavioral issues and the vet will have to run blood work for that. Also, there are meds out there for this issue and to calm the kitty down, it isn't ideal, but it is better than that cat being killed in a shelter. Good luck, op.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 06:18 AM FlagReally, you tried your best (same for other poster(s) with cats who sh*t/pee all over. Your family health is more important than an animal who either can't or won't evacuate in a litterbox. Also, if the cat won't let you touch him, he's probably going to scratch or bite you or one of your kids eventually! Either get the cat to a farm where he can be an outdoor animal or put the cat down. And to whoever says I'm hardhearted, nope, just practical -- ironically, I'm typing this with our cat asleep in my lap, no kidding. I had my first cat for over 16 years; my cats are as indulged as my dc. BUT between my first cat and this cat, we adopted a feral cat who the vet said was socialized and would make a good pet. HA. The little sociopath hid under the bed for a month, coming out sometimes to cuddle with me at night (fooled me bigtime) -- until she decided one morning it was time to scratch my hand open to the bone (I had that skin superglue holding my hand together for a week), pee all over our coats and the bed, and then hiss at us. I returned her to the vet so fast her demonic little head was still spinning. So I know both sides -- normal cats who make good pets and demonspawn who don't. My other cats were from shelters, by the way, and the one sleeping on me now was found in a parking lot, so I don't think it's just having lived in the open that makes an animal 'damaged'; it's something inside.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 07:26 AM Flag
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[+] Thoughts on SIRM for ivf? Can't afford Cornell and insurance doesn't cover it. 9 replies
- It's true. I have no problem with adoption as a way to have a kid but we can't afford it. Have some coverage for ivf though. I think people think adoption means free babies, and you just point to the one you want....
Talk : : April 03, 2012
Thoughts on SIRM for ivf? Can't afford Cornell and insurance doesn't cover it.
9 replies [ Reply | Watch | More-
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If you have IVF coverage. I would go with Cornell. I know they probably don't take your insurance but I did 8 iVF procedures there and I was able to get reimbursed 90% of my fees. Also, they do ER and Transfers at the hospital do most all insurances cover that part since they don't bill it as IVF they use some other code. Cornell lab is far superior and doctors are fantastic. I used Spandopher and now have a beautiful 2 year d DS as result. Got pregnant at 44with him. Also, Cornell participates in the NY Grant program. You can ask them if you qualify. Good Luck!
[ Reply | More ]04.03.12, 07:57 PM Flag
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