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[-]I was supposed to get my period on the 20th (but I'm pretty irregular; it can come a few days late). 3 days later I had unplanned sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I know my hymen already broke due to sports, but I bled a little after it. He didn't use a condom. We immediately went to get Plan B. After taking the first pill, I bled. It's like a period but lighter. Can it be my period and that it's just a few days late? or is it Plan B causing the bleeding? If it's Plan B, how long does the bleeding last? My periods usually lasts 6-7 days. (I've read that many women bleed after taking Plan B and some consider it as a regular period.) Could it be both? Also, how long do the side effects of Plan B last? I've been having the nausea and ...
4 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreIf your period was really supposed to be around the 20th and you didn't have sex until the 23rd, it's unlikely you're pregnant, and the nauseau you mention could very well be stress, or a virus. Is it out of the question that you bring your mother into the loop? If you were my daughter I'd want to know, and help. Seriously. Good luck. And don't have unprotected sex again, you're playing with fire.
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[-]REALITY CHECK: Do you know your child's tutor is writing your child's papers FOR them? You are paying $200 an hour for a grad student to author their essays. The result is learned helplessness.
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[-]My 25 year old daughter passed out the other day cold. Took her blood pressure at the time and at 95/45 with heart rate of 48 beats per minute. Acts perfectly normal all of the time except lots of lies (some for no reason), does absolutely nothing but sit in her room, denies anything is wrong, no job, no friends, lost a lot of weight, barely eats. Drugs?? Anorexia?? Doesn't ever appear/act to be on drugs. Eats, just not a lot. Doesn't act depressed. Wondering if anyone has a guess that I could potentially research to get an idea, since I have a difficult time believing she'll ever tell me.
9 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreAnorexia. Mom don't let her die on your watch. If she is 25 and at home then she is dependent on you. You need to work on getting her into treatment. If you have to have an intervention with tough consequences that you don't back down from. She needs help and at 25 she would either go get it or get out of my house.
[ Reply | More ]I am late 20s. Drugs seems like more of a social thing for a 25-year-old--parties, etc.--so if she does not appear to have friends, that is unlikely. I know lots of people who alienated themselves from others via anorexia/anorexic behavior (turn down invitations for drinks/dinners to avoid the calories enough times and people stop inviting you). It seems like getting her to a doctor or therapist would be best step. She is old enough that she can get help without telling you, if that's how she wants to do it.
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[-]ds (14 yo) spends a lot of time on the computer. i randomly check his history (without his knowing it - no flames please; that's not my question). If his history doesn't show any porn (my concern - imo 14 is too young for porn web images), is that all I need to know/see? What are ways someone might hide history? (his browser of choice is googlechrome.)
12 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreI wouldn't spy on my kids - but that's your prerogative. I know my 6YO would be able to hide activity from your stealth eye though! You need to install tracking software if you really want to spy - it's easy to not store any history on Chrome. And even if you do spy on him, you have no clue what he does outside of your house.
[ Reply | More ]You've got a 6 yo, you have no idea what you'll do when he's older, don't be so judgmental now. I have 2 older kids, (12 and 15) and I check what they're doing on the computer, facebook and text messages. There are a lot of pitfalls and cyber bullying is a big concern. Texts in the middle of the night from frenemies etc. You have to know.
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even if he was, what can you do? he is still going to have to use a computer no matter what and if he is motivated, he can find a way (iphone, download it to a memory card and play it on a PSP or ipod, etc). i always think prevention is better than trying to remove a habit later. In our house, we have one computer in the living room. We could definitely do with more but i think it's actually better for the kids, they learn to take turns and not just sit idly at the computer because they know someone else could be waiting.
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[-]My 15-year-old daughter has just told me that she has self-harmed. I am glad she told me, but would welcome advice. The main cause seems to be worries that she is fat (she is not), and issues with school friends (hurtful remarks, etc. though nothing that would constitute bullying or isolation). The harm she did was not physically serious but needless to say I am taking the issue seriously.
26 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreHow great that she felt she could come to you with this. Self-harm is a surprisingly common response to the stresses of growing up. Definitely find a therapist and praise your daughter for having the strength to seek help.
[ Reply | More ]OP: Thanks. I know that if I mention going to a therapist she will say she doesn't need it, isn't going to do it again, etc. Should I make her go? Does anyone think it would be better NOT to press it, that it might make her feel she is a mess, or make her not want to tell me things in case I jump into high gear too fast? Just not sure how much to insist on it. Does anyone think I ought to approach the school psychologist or someone else in the school whom I trust?
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I self medicated at 15 to get through my parents divorce. Alcohol (parties) and cigarettes only but I felt so alone and isolated even though I had all the friends in the world I just shut down inside and painted a pretty picture on the outside. I only recently got help and realized how sad I really was. I tried to let everybody in my life think everything was perfect. I would have been so happy to have a mom like you I could confide in. The sooner you get her help the better.
[ Reply | More ]You've negated everything: what your daughter told you was important to her (thought of being fat; behavior of friends) and the damage she has done to herself.
[ Reply | More ]OP: I see what you mean. I meant simply to let people know some details, in case they were important to the advice people might post, rather than to obliterate her experience and her suffering, both of which are entirely real.
[ Reply | More ]^^^ I suggest take a deep breath and listen well. You're seeming quick to make things less important than they seem to your daughter. It doesn't matter it she's fat or not. It doesn't matter if the behavior constitutes bullying. It doesn't matter that the harm she's done to herself isn't serious. Get her off social media--or limit it drastically. Get her a life outside school. Talk to a doctor.
[ Reply | More ]OP: I'd love to limit the social media but it would be very difficult to do, and she does get support from friends that way. I will try and be sure that some outside of school things happen--e.g. seeing relations and friends she loves and who love her.
[ Reply | More ]OP again: re the reality of her sense that she is fat, etc.: can you suggest how I should respond when she mentions her perceptions? Should I just listen and not gently correct a perception I think is inaccurate? I would be afraid she would take that as me agreeing that she IS fat, or that the remarks friends made were correct. and based on them really disliking her. I am very open to some guidance.
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So sorry; this must be very tough. Agree with the poster who says first step is to tell her how grateful you are that she talked to you.
[ Reply | More ]+1. Also, Google CBT and DBT. DBT designed primarily for borderline personality disorder, BUT also sometimes is used to teach coping methods to people who don't have that - e.g., when your daughter has the urge to self-harm, steps she can take instead in a mental and sensory manner to redirect.
[ Reply | More ]OP: Thank you. I have looked up CBT and DBT, and will get started on this. Thanks to all who gave me advice. I will keep checking to see if any more posts get added.
[ Reply | More ]I self harmed at that age (& afterwards as well) at the time the only thing that helped was a prescription for Klonopin that I could take instead of hurting myself when I panicked about emotions. I self harmed off an on for 10 years but have been doing DBT for the last three and finally don't have urges to hurt myself anymore.
[ Reply | More ]OP: Thanks. I will keep the name on file. My daughter is due to see a therapist tomorrow.
[ Reply | More ]12 step recovery has helped many, many people with problems such as these. I would seek a therapist familiar with 12-step recovery, could be very helpful. I found this link for you: http://www.newyorkcitymetro.com/supportgroups.htm scroll down, the group is self-mutilators anon. As said above, very good that she talked to you. Good luck.
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[-]My 9th grader (a former A student) is really struggling and overwhelmed now. Anyone have names of any consultants who help kids organize their study time and plan how to get their work done? As I said, my son was an excellent student in middle school and got mostly all As and 1 B in the first quarter. Now in the second quarter he is overwhelmed and struggling to get B minuses (not horrible but he feels things are spiralling out of control.) It kills me to see him crying about the fact that he cannot get to the easy stuff (math, spanish, and science) because he is spending so much time on history (outlining chapters) and english (writing is his achilles heel). And, he has no hope that anyone can help him or that it can be any different. ...
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We are trying to help but it does not seem like we have the right skills. He does have study hall and very diligently sits down at night for hours to do his work. He has a guidance counselor at school but does not want us to contact him because he is ashamed. We may did it anyway on the sly but are uncomfortable with this as he is not a little kid any more. One problem is that he goes to a special performing arts school (like La Guardia, perhaps) outside of MN and has more classes (music, etc) than the average hs student and doesn't get home until 6 or 6:30 3 days a week. He loves the school and his music but the work load is killing him. First quarter was fine/great but the workload seems to be crushing him now. And, he's not gettin...
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[-]Any body have any advice on 4 week summer camps for a girl going into 6 grade. we are looking at camp laurel south,ME vs kenwood/kenmont, CT?
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[-]Moms with breast implants..... have you told your dd that you have implants? Or do you plan to do so? What age is right to address this, if at all? I got implants at 34 after being a barely A cup my entire life, and my guess is that DD will have the same genetic destiny. Part of me feels that I need to prepare her for the fact that she isn't going to look like me
13 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreNot something I would bring up (unless she asks about it) until close to puberty, 11-12ish. Explain your reasoning, why you waited until you were an adult, and if you have any second thoughts, etc.
[ Reply | More ]op: thank you. DD is 8 and is just now starting to ask questions about puberty. I'll have to think through this carefully, because I don't want her to think in any way that there's anything wrong with being an A cup, or that it's something that needs to be "fixed." having said that though-- my only regret is waiting until I was 34! Wished I had done it when I was much younger. I won't be sharing that bit of info with dd, however : )
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I wouldn't tell her until she is like 16 or 18 and asks directly. Telling an 11 year old would be horrible for her self-image and she can't have them done until she's older anyway.
[ Reply | More ]Actually, I think 11-12 is the perfect age to start a dialogue about self-esteem and personal differences, but op, you know your daughter best and will know when it is appropriate for her.
[ Reply | More ]op: thank you everyone, I appreciate hearing the different opinions. As a teenager, I took consolation from the fact that my mother was very flat chested, so I realized I'd probably always be the same, just due to genetics, and not because I was somehow missing something. I want the same for my daughter (but no, I am not willing to remove my implants, lol!)
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Moms with breast implants..... have you told your dd that you have implants? Or do you plan to do so? What age is right to address this, if at all? I got implants at 34 after being a barely A cup my entire life, and my guess is that DD will have the same genetic destiny. Part of me feels that I need to prepare her for the fact that she isn't going to look like me
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[-]BTDT moms please tell me that my high performing dc will get into one of the High Schools they want. Guidance counselor just called to make sure that we didn't have more choices on the list. We did prep and dc did well there, has a callback for LaGuardia etc. Love having some great options but hate this process.
10 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreHow many did you list? Sounds like your GC may see a short list and wants to make sure you don't end up assigned to a school you don't like. I think from your post that you had DC take the specialized HS test and audition for LAG. Did you list other non-specialized options?
[ Reply | More ]4 non specialized but they're all the popular ones. Sigh, we toured a lot of schools, dc only liked the academic ones. Hope it works out. Does it generally?
[ Reply | More ]I think your GC (who knows your DC better than I do) is suggesting to you that you're taking a risk. Plenty of high performing kids get shut out of the popular schools.
[ Reply | More ]If I have to home school I guess I will but dc is 90%+, high 3 and mid 4 + tested well enough to get into Stuy (but not interested in Stuy) in prep and has worked professionally as an actor - are there really more than 10,000 kids more qualified for an academic school? Doesn't anyone get their first or third or 5th choice? After we toured Brooklyn Tech (which dc loved) I said - "Ok, can you just go here now? You're qualified and they're huge." Well wish us luck.
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GCs are told to questions lists that only have 4 or 5 schools. But, she also has specialized schools. I think she is fine. My DD got into Tech and LaG, and we only listed 4 on the regular list. She didn't get into any of those 4, by the way, but was happy to have a choice between 2 specialized schools that suited her better anyway. But, if your DD scored well on the SHSAT then Tech it is.
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[-]Need help. 14y/o DD has suffered from extreme social anxiety since she was 3. More than shyness - it has been debilitating at times. She has worked with a therapist for a few years and has made a lot of progress. She is doing well academically, seems to be well liked, puts up a 'good front' but rarely socializes outside of school. She frequently sobs in the morning about going to school and its been getting worse lately. Nothing bad has happened at school that I know of. She sometimes seems like she's having a panic attack, saying she can't breathe. We consulted with a psychiatrist a few years back, who said we might consider anti-anxiety meds.We have hesitated until now, but I'm thinking she may need this. I am really scared - side effec...
21 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreFor X'st sake--let her take the meds. You'd rather your child be a pariah than take a few pills? FWIW, I suffered with social anxiety for decades. Was rx'd a drug for a heart issue that came up. Voila--I'm pretty outgoing now! It turns out the drug is used for S/A as well. My dr. laughed when I mentioned this to him. My dh says I'm now a chatterbox. Who knew? Do your child a favor and try this. It won't hurt.
[ Reply | More ]OP any side effects? are you still taking med and do you think you will indefinitely? thx!
[ Reply | More ]np: I second that you should let her try meds! You'll want a psychiatrist who is experienced with adolescents and she should be watched carefully in the beginning so maybe have consults with a few psychiatrists until you find the right one. The correct meds at the correct dose should really help your dd with minimal side effects. What you describe sounds so awful for your dd--I hope things get better for her.
[ Reply | More ]I'm taking them for a heart issue so yes I'll continue. But they really have no side-effects. They are not like a mood enhancer for depression say, that can have effects you don't want. My doc. also said they are sometimes used until the child can gain social confidence, then they are gradually withdrawn. Some children even in K-5 are on them for selectively mute behaviors. One girl I knew never spoke in social settings. I went to her home and she was very talkative. Had a lot of trouble opening up in group settings. See what the doctor says, but don't be scared. They will follow up with her and see. I'm sure your dd is having a hard time!
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I am a yoga instructor who specializes in working with teens. Yoga can also help in similar ways as CBT- using breath work, visualization, and physical movement as tools to cope with anxiety. I have a close friend who also suffered from social anxiety and yoga has been a powerful tool to help her conquer her anxiety, step by step. And of course the best part is there is no risk of side effects. I would be happy to be of service. You can contact me at rebeccafrymer@yahoo.com if this sounds like something you would like to try.
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I was your DD. I went on Paxil at age 15 and switched to Lexapro at 17, stayed on till I was 22 and then went off the drugs. Been drug free for 3 years now, and have developed coping mechanisms than I was incapable of during childhood. Benefits: I was able to go to school, apply for college, get through the social scenes of high school and college with less trouble than I would have had otherwise. Side effects: weight gain (a lot....I lost 35 lbs when I went off the meds), no libido (I know you might not want to think of DD's libido, but it's there, and it's confusing and frustrating to not want a sexual relationship in your early 20's). I will say, though, that going off the medication was difficult and required close monitoring by my doct...
[ Reply | More ]Yes. My DC goes to a psychologist for severe social anxiety. The therapist uses a CBT appraoch and has been pretty successful. Let me know if you have any questions. Are you in NYC?
[ Reply | More ]OP-could you briefly describe the CBT approach? how old is your dc? have you ever considered meds? yes, we are in NY. She has been to therapy for a few years, but not CBT.
[ Reply | More ]np: I'm the poster below with a ds who is in CBT. For us it involves identifying anxiety triggers and then having tools to deal with it. Deep breathing, muscle relaxation, thought stopping, guided imagery, talking and writing down feelings all help. His school is on board and very helpful as well. We have a psychiatrist, therapist, school counselor and school psychiatrist who all communicate with each other.
[ Reply | More ]The psychologist works with dc and me/dh, and guides us so that we can help dc with the anxiety. There is a lot to the approach but it is very pro-active and works on gradually facing fears and learning coping strategies. DC is 10.
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My ds was recently hospitalized for anxiety and OCD. I can't stress enough how important it is for you to do something NOW. He was always and anx kid, but had a sudden onset of symptoms (including suicidal ideation) that became debilitating. CBT and meds have made a huge difference, but of course there is no magic pill or easy answer.
[ Reply | More ]OP-Thank you all for your responses - truly appreciated. Would any of you be able to recommend a CBT therapist in NYC?
[ Reply | More ]I recommend you find a psychiatrist/therapist team who work together. If you think you might want meds it's important. My dc's pscyh only works with her own therapist. Their communication has been extremely helpful.
[ Reply | More ]My dcs therapist for severe anxiety is Dr. Nick Seivert (I'm the poster who responded above). He specializes in this stuff, and has honestly been a life saver for my dc. I can also give you more names that were given to me when I was looking if you want.
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[-]I see that some parents want DC to play a sport to show colleges that they are well rounded. Didn't work out that way for my friend. Friend's DC so loved playing his sport that he wanted to enroll at a less good university so that he could be on the team there. Good for him.
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[-]Where do teenagers hang out in NYC??? I'm trying to get my 16yo daughter away from Union Square where her ex-boyfriend hangs out ALL day and night. She claims that there isn't anywhere else to be in NYC. We live and send her to school in Brooklyn and I'm entirely TOO old to know where to go nowadays.
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I don't think you can make your teenager hang out somewhere else. She'll figure it all out. Wherever her buddies hang out that's where she is going to hang out.
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She needs to stop dating skaters. Kids hang out in apartments, central park, starbucks. I love (meaning hate) hte poster who siad she went downtown to bars, clubs and house parties. yes, every night she did that, right.
[ Reply | More ]OP: She's going out tonight with a girlfriend and she wants to find an area where other teenagers will be so that she can see/meet/flirt with new boys. Anything? The most promising advice I got from this post so far: Astor Place, Wash. Sq., Met stairs. Anything else?
[ Reply | More ]Seriously, we went to a lot of bars that friends went to that served underage and clubs (when those were big don't know about now). Can you look in nymag.com under the entertainment section? Sorry! My dcs are 10 and 7
[ Reply | More ]OP: I looked. I'm not looking for an event, though. My daughter specifically did not want musical venues - punk, noise, or otherwise.
[ Reply | More ]Tell her to go to the east village and wander around until she finds a bar that serves and hang out. Or NYU area where they tag underage but allow them in
[ Reply | More ]OP: I can't openly condone my 16yo hanging out in a bar. And I don't really want her to either. I want her to meet her peer group, not people who can get into bars. That's why I'm looking for teen spots, like Union Square, but elsewhere.
[ Reply | More ]I understand that but this is a difficult scenario. She wants to go out at night she wants to meet other 16 yo who are out in manhattan at night and what do you think 16 yos out in manhattan at night together are doing? Not being snarky I lived that life and I was a 'good girl'. There aren't any teen centers or no alcohol bar hangouts here
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Why would a bunch of old ladies on UB have better info on where teens hang out thatn your daughter does? that's weird!
[ Reply | More ]OP: It's not weird at all. We live in Brooklyn. When my daughter goes to Manhattan, it's just to Union Square. She has a very limited social crowd. I thought maybe you old ladies had teens, knew them, or saw them hanging out in your neighborhood in the evenings, on date night, or whatever.
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she's old enough to get a part-time job. most everybody i knew in high school had some sort of job by senior year. even dh, with his fancy pants private school and wealthy neighborhood, was scooping ice cream at baskin robbins as soon as he was legal to work. a productive way channel all that teen down time and need for semi-independence.
[ Reply | More ]when we finally decided to bite the bullet and move to the burbs, the one thing I did feel *sad* about was that when dc was a teen he wouldn't have as much to do as he would in the city....and then I sort of suspected that he'd say he was "bored" even if we were in the city. I want to thank all the responders with teens who have confirmed my suspicion!!!
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well a few seem to....my point is the teens are doing the same things teens do in the burbs: movies, starbucks, pizza etc. It doesn't sound like they are taking advantage of broadway shows and museums
[ Reply | More ]Some definitely do museums. Unfortunately Bway shows are too expensive these days but they do go sometimes. Many go to Shakespeare in the Park of course. And many go to various concerts, whether free and open or at clubs (if of age), around town - jazz and classical as well as rock.
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Are there still laser shows at the Museum of Natural History? I remember doing that, movies, diners, walking around, Washington Square Park, swing dancing for a while when that was cool, playing pool, Urban Outfitters, music stores like Tower and HMV. Don't know what's around nowadays.
[ Reply | More ]She might like Etsy's craft night. It happens every Monday at their warehouse down in DUMBO. http://www.etsy.com/storque/events/
[ Reply | More ]I think it is definitely easier for boys, who will just play pick-up basketball (even at night), soccer, etc. My 15 y/o DD goes to friends houses constantly, to the movies, out to eat (nowhere expensive, she pays with her $$). I would say she and her friends spend the majority of their time at each others houses. On the weekends, they walk around in soho, or play tennis or whatever. Nights are kind of tough.
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This whole post makes me think that I'd better move to the suburbs before my kids hit high school! My HS experience included Friday night football games, gathering at the local restaurant after soccer or basketball games, pizza parties/sleepovers in friend's finished basements, pool parties, school dances, bowling, and an occasional movie. My mom always knew where I was, and most of the time a parent was home with us! I'm sure it was nerve wracking for my parents when I got my drivers license, but I just drove around town to friend's houses and restaurants.
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I posted above about our moving to the burbs and feeling bad about a lack of activities for dcs as teens...my burb experience was the same as yours growing up and I guess this is why I felt my kids would miss out if we left the city. I did all the NYC cultural stuff after I moved there as an adult. Like the poster above said, teens can't afford to take advantage of "all the city has to offer"....it's too expensive!
[ Reply | More ]That's a lie. It's not advertised, but most of the museums in NYC are suggested admission or free for NYC students. Half of the art galleries in Chelsea are free; you can just walk right into them without any raised eyebrows. Furthermore, any half-decent hipster bookstore has readings scheduled.
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When I was in HS in nyc, we went to MOMA (free admission with school ID) after school to sit in the Spring Garden and do homework or just hang out until it was late enough Friday to go to dinner and then to the pool hall. We drank cappuccino at Chelsea Blliards (pre-starbucks era) or other pool halls in NYC (I knew a pool hall at every subway stop). The pool halls were filled with hs students on Friday and Saturday nights. Ate at Uno's in the village a lot and then walked around. If we needed another activity, we'd go to the planetarium for the laser show. House parties were for drinking, otherwise we were sober and just ate dinner out. We weren't really looking to meet kids from other schools though. BTW - this was all while I was l...
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[-]Ok, moment of pride time: my daughter (senior in HS) is sitting at the DR table, surrounded by neat stacks of forms and envelopes, filling them out and addressing them. She has even made a spreadsheet of all of her college choices, with due dates and requirements. And she is three weeks early. Sigh...
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[-]Ds (14 yrs) is in a special ed schl which handles kids with emotional as well as academic disabilities. DS is dyslexic - isn't in the school for emotional/behavioral issues. Problem is he is isolating himself because he doesn't like dealing with the kids who have emotional issues and because he doesn't want to be associated with the special ed label. I'm worried that he's heading into his own social/emotional issue as he tries so hard to deny that he's in any way associated with kids in the school. He might be able to make it in a mainstream school (he's very severely dyslexic) but the dye is cast for this year. We could apply to private (any tier will do) but need so much financial aid that I doubt we'd get what we needed. We've also...
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreIs there a way he could be in a mainstream school and just get the tutoring/therapy that's needed.
[ Reply | More ]The "die" is cast...not "dye"...The origins of this colloquialism come from the singular for dice--fate(symbolized by the casting of dice) has been sealed, the earliest usage of the term comes from Sir Thomas Robert in written accounts of his company's 1634 travels to Africa and Asia. Popular myth is that the colloquialism was first used by Julius Caesar but of course this cannot be verified.
[ Reply | More ]OR: Oh, and about your son--take him out of the special ed school. My mother was a Resource Specialist and taught learning handicapped, Severely emotionally disturbed & severely handicapped for over 20 years ending in 2004. I am currently working on my single subject teaching credential for English w/ certification in reading. My mother never advocated placing a child who did not have severe handicaps or emotional disturbances with children who did simply for the sake of a learning handicap. A great portion of a child's success in school revolves around their personal confidence as well as their social environment. Having him in this type of school, dyslexic or not, is crippling him. There are other options out there. Read up on the specifi...
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Could you rent your NYC apt and try renting in a 'burb to see if that actually works for you, first?
[ Reply | More ]^^ I'm a former h.s. teacher and I feel for your son, because dyslexia has nothing to do with IQ. His school sounds like a bad fit for him. I think a good public could accommodate you (maybe Glen Ridge, NJ, too) but you should really think about what specific services would be the most useful. Don't just go by the IEP, either. As a teacher, I found that IEPs didn't seem to correlate terribly well with what the student *actually* needed or what the school could actually provide. But many teachers will have no problem with your son needing to make certain accommodations such as, for example, taking tests in the special ed support room.
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My son went through the same thing. We pulled him out mid-year at his insistence and put him in a private school, it is costing a fortune (he needs extra help), but I can't tell you how much happier he is. While he was at the other school, I could see him copying behaviors, not big things and not consciously - I didn't know at the time whether they were native behaviors (that is his own) or copied. Since we moved him, he has none of those slightly odd-duck things and he is soooo much more normal in terms of behavior. best thing we ever did.
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[-]Can someone please explain why teenage girls feel the need to post really provocative photographs of themselves on the web or cell phones? I can't believe the pictures I found on my son's computer of girls from several well known private schools here in NYC. He doesn't know I have seen then, but I'm a pretty liberal person and I'm shocked. Friends tell me all the girls are doing it.
42 replies [ Reply | Watch | Morethey think the boys will like them if they do it, so they do it. just like at the clubs so many girls are making out with each other for male attention. they think more is more.
[ Reply | More ]I wonder what the parents do, particularly the moms. While I know a lot of hings are out of mom's control, I am amazed at my 4 yo and how she mimics me. I wear little to no makeup, and spend little time getting dressed. And I;ve noticed that some of her little playmates are already into headbands, and hair and their moms have indulged them. I think our kids get oru values. If women think it takes 30 minutes of makeup to be presentable to the world, their little girls will also.
[ Reply | More ]haven't little girls always mimicked their mothers and played dress up. i don't see the connection between that and sending boys half nude pics.
[ Reply | More ]My point is, I do. My kid doesn't do "dress-up". I think the importance of appearance, and style, and looking provacative starts early.
[ Reply | More ]Have you notices (and I love them) the adult clothes jcrew kids sells for little kids. I think they are adorable.. but they are adult clothes. And they seem to be selling, right now, about 8 bikinis for 4 year olds, and 2 one pieces. I think most would argue, they are kids, they look cute ina bikini.. I just dont think its appropriate, partcicularly at 4.
[ Reply | More ]I would say there is a huge difference between putting effort into your appearance and looking provocative. I dressed up as a princess and ballerina regularly as a child, played with makeup, my mom wore makeup and I never had any inclination to be provocative at any age. Spending a lot of time getting dressed in normal clothes is not going to encourage a dd to be provocative or send nude pictures.
[ Reply | More ]unfortunately once they are teenagers it can be unpredictable: some girls emulate their mothers and others want to be the exact opposite to carve out their own identity.
[ Reply | More ]My daughter is the opposite. I am a no makeup jeans and sweatshirt gal while my teenager daughter will dress as provocatively as she can. I am so tired about fighting about her appearance. If I tell her not to wear a certain dress, she just goes to a friend's house and borrow one of their slutty outfits. I'm exhausted and disheartened and don't know who to blame.
[ Reply | More ]I had friends who went through this and simply grew out of it. In a way girls who argue that they shouldn't be labeled a slut because of an outfit are right. however, they just need to think about why they do it and how they feel when they do it
[ Reply | More ]? I disagree.. if the outfit is slutty, you should tell her she looks like a "slut". What would be the aruugment otherwise?
[ Reply | More ]I think if you say that often girls will just shut down, think their moms are just old and dismiss them. I think the term slut is misogynist and and counterproductive to the sexual development of young women. I think trying to figure out why your daughter dresses that way and challenging her to think about it critically is more effective than borderline name calling.
[ Reply | More ]I completely agree. There is no faster way to be dismissed as out of touch than to call your daughter, or her friend, a slut. That's a very judgmental thing to say and you DON'T want her to feel you're judging her if you hope she calls you when she's in trouble, or tells you much of anything about her life.
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How old is your daughter? I'm curious when this starts to happen. I was raised by my mom to think nailpolish, miniskirts, exposing breasts was slutty, but more than that, "tacky". So my girlfriends and I never did any of that stuff. We also thought Barbie's (at 6) were stupid. Not sure what my mom did right, or what I;ll do wrong.
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I think you're fooling yourself if you think this really affects how your child will be in 12 years -- unfortunately, the peer group and something innate drives the 'dress up' gene. Or maybe it's more about whether your child is using this to assert independence or is more of a mimic. My mom was all about appearances, I don't dress up, and my 5 year old is all about the bling. I really think you should copy this post and re-read your words in 12 years to see if your sensible approach had any influence at all.
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Oh god here we go again with the privates- enough- It happens in public too. We can see through your posts recently all focusing on private school girls.
[ Reply | More ]Yes, public and private. My question is why these girls, many who are so bright, will post these pictures, make out with their girlfriends and then post the pictures, as well as sexting random boys. Should the schools tackle the issue?
[ Reply | More ]i think the op was just pointing out that it is happening across the socio-economic board. too sensitive.
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Fake, fake, fake,fake, fake, fake, fake, fake, fake. Yes, girls all over the fcking world do this, nyc privates are not excluded, but you are a fake poster, fake, fake, fake, purposefully being provocative yourself.
[ Reply | More ]No one is going to like this, but here goes: We have modesty rules in the house for both boys and girls, starting from a very young age. Think conservative Christian groups or Hasidic dress. You can't really do this if the rest of your environment is not living like this. Peers are everything to teens; parents sort of factor in sometimes.
[ Reply | More ]I grew up with conservative parents and dressed very provocatively. I had very embarrassing moment where teachers sent me home to change. I think one part is because I didn't know how to dress my "new" body. I thought I could wear tank tops and I didn't realize how that looked when I bent over, ect. The other reason is that I wanted to be an adult. My parents gave me little freedom and this was my way of expressing it. Once I left for college, I dropped the slutty shirts.
[ Reply | More ]I can't say why they are doing it (the original question), but I certainly can say what a parent can do to stop it. DO NOT let your child (dd or ds) have a cell phone until they have demonstrated to your satisfaction that they know how to use it responsibly. No child or teen needs a cell phone, and as soon as more parents re-discover this simple fact the problem will disappear.
[ Reply | More ]When teenaged girls feel like they haven't gotten enough attention from anyone, they will do whatever it takes for someone to tell them that they are sexy or beautiful. They feel like shit about themselves.
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[-]Moms of NYC high schoolers: Any recommendations for SAT prep classes/books? I would like to at least start dd out with a class, and then use a tutor if we really have to. We did the tutor thing for older dd, and I'm not convinced it made more of a difference. I also have a suspicion that younger dd would also be more motivated with a class.
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[-]Have a teenage stepson who's severely intellectual disabled and functions like a five year old in many important ways. Not always the case, but most days I feel very little for him other than obligation and guilt. I try not to feel pity for myself (I tell myself, I was the only one in this family that effectively "chose" to have him in my life), but it's a daily struggle. Been in his life for almost 10 years, large part of that as primary caretaker with DH. Relationship with DH is wonderful in all ways but for this. (No way I would have taken this on for a lesser man.) Any BTDT advice?
16 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreNot btdt. But what's your plan when he reaches 18? Will he go to a day facility? I know how hard this is. GL.
[ Reply | More ]OP: at this stage, I think he will continue in school until 21 (happily, he is making progress). I want to cry just writing this. Really need somewhere to vent but can't really talk to anyone about it.
[ Reply | More ]OP: Also, I think he could get successfully hold a job in a supported environment. With the right investment of time and energy now I do think we could do a lot to get him partially independent. But that in itself is sort of a full-time job.
[ Reply | More ]Give yourself a break. You haven't had the time that your DH has to adjust to the demands of a child with special needs. I think that it would help you to be in a support group or find someone to talk to about the frustrations and huge impact it has on your life. In many ways, having exposure to a sibling with a developmental disability will make your DC more empathetic and caring. As he gets older, in some ways it will be be easier. If he is not able to perform in a job there are a lot of day programs that have great programs. It is a struggle but there are also many rewards that go with it. GL!
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NAMI has some good support groups. The support is both touchy feely talk and concrete advice on protecting assets and the such.
[ Reply | More ]First off, you are a saint for doing this, so pat yourself on the back! Second, your toddler can be told , should it ever come up, that stepson is much older and just prefers less hugs, etc....doubt this will ever come up....most children too self centered to notice another sib getting less affection.
[ Reply | More ]>>also...if this is your first experience parenting a teen, you might not realize the teen years aren't always so lovey c
[ Reply | More ]OP: Yes, I had thought about that - I agree that most kids are probably too self centered for it to ever be an issue. Perhaps by the time she's old enough to notice, she'll be old enough to understand why things are as they are.
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I think that is really common, even for the bio parents. My son is not severely intellectually disabled, but he's on the autism spectrum... and as he gets older, it gets more and more trying. There are definitely times that I feel obligation and guilt very strongly. It just comes with the territory. It is a really hard job, and it sounds like you are doing it very well. Try not to beat yourself up for the way you feel. And if you need somebody to talk to about it, I really recommend a support group or a therapist. You need to give yourself a break and give yourself the opportunity to vent!
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