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[-]I'm a nanny (age 37). My live-in boyfriend, 29, wants to get married, have kids, and have both of us work full time. He makes 30-60k, 100k college loans. I make 35k, 30k in college loans and currently finishing night school for a master's in child development (BA in art).
37 replies [ Reply | Watch | More...continued again (sorry). We live very frugally outside of Portland and have little desire for luxuries. We are in love, but have trouble communicating about money. Should I have a baby with him now and keep working? He'd be a great dad emotionally but can't provide financially. Oh, I have 20k in savings and he has nothing.
[ Reply | More ]Np: is trouble communicating about money code for he doesn't deal with it and would be perfectly happy to let you house & feed him while he helps with gardening, household or other potentially money making ideas as he chooses?
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He won't ask, but he will keep trying to make it happen. It will be a constant pull on you, like tides. It's not about you, how he feels about you, or your communication. it's how he's shaped per whatever twisted crap went on in his family. Someone as conflicted as he will end up ill. Seriously. Dude has issues. Not insurmountable stuff, but commitment to therapy is essential. And not easy to get from someone who doesn't want to support himself, and is fully convinced he is taking some kind anti-materialistic stand.
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You are 37 years old. Not to be harsh but you can make this decision for yourself and no one should stand in your way. Do you want children or not? Do you want your bf or not? Love will find a way, but don't do anything because you think you won't have enough time. It will be a worse situation for you to be tied to someone you will develop problems with, and resent having a baby with. If you found out you were pregnant now, what would you do?
[ Reply | More ]I'm the OP. If I were pregnant I'd marry my BF and continue to work full time, but ask him to start working more to pay down his debt. He's self-employed and works only when he wants to, but even if he worked harder, he'd max out at mid/high five figures. I wouldn't be happy about this, though. Here's the list of potential outcomes:
[ Reply | More ]NP: its very clear that you are 37 and settling for this 29 year old who is not anything that you want. You are trying to fit whatever he is into a better fit, but it won't fit. Move on.
[ Reply | More ]...OP continued (have to stop pressing enter!) Best case: In the next year, he improves his business and I work full time, we get married, pay down our loans and TTC with the plan of me quitting work or going part-time after birth. Second best case: We marry but continue with current incomes and no kids. Barely acceptable case: We marry, he improves business and I work for 2-3 years and then TTC. Other barely acceptable case: We marry and continue current incomes, TTC with both of us full-time after birth, perhaps with a vague chance of me staying at home in several years when we can afford it. Unacceptable case: TTC after age 40. Other unacceptable case: breaking up. By the way, there is no prob with my boss. We have supported each oth...
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Tell him that you don't want kids. You will and should, lose him but so be it. Better than having a child you don't really want and finding yourself as the sole support for a family you never wanted in the first place. What if he actually wants more than one? Think of the DC w parents who will likely resent eachother. Sounds like recipient for total disaster. You will both be happier better matched and. He is plenty young enough to build a real life w someone who truly wants a child (or more).
[ Reply | More ]First, stop BC and see what happens. Tell him if he wants to have a family you will do it, but he'll have to work full time for a while. When DB is 3 you will go back to work, and he can cut back & care for DB. You being with DB from 0-3--am assuming you're not nuts, and going to be really into it bec taking care of other peoples kids didn't make you want slit wrists--makes the most sense. GL.
[ Reply | More ]OP here. This sounds like a reasonable compromise. However, his “working full time” involves him aggressively trying to get more clients and building his business (he’s an attorney in private practice), but I think that the money won’t come in until he does a lot of unpaid networking, pro-bono, etc to get his practice on the map. He says because he graduated at the bottom third of his class, it’s unlikely that he’d get hired by a firm. In three years, he’d probably just be starting to reap the fruits of his labor. Perhaps some attorneys could chime in and let me know what they think.
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OP here. No, and he doesn’t feel any male pride or obligation about being able to provide for a family. He’s more modern and doesn’t care about traditional gender roles. I’m more old-fashioned, though, so he’s adjusted to suit me (kills bugs, pays on dates, etc.) He doesn’t do this because he wants to, but because he thinks I’m worth the effort. This is not ideal, but at least I know he cares.
[ Reply | More ]He needs to apply for real jobs. He is not suited for self employment. Lawyer jobs, non attorney jobs, public sector, non profit, etc.... Unless he's done that, the bottom third of class is a very lame excuse. Does he know anyone-- personal/family--with a good job he can talk to? Whether or not he had kids, it is in both your interests that he quit hiding out and learn how to work full-time. At some point you're going to resent sharing expenses, and mothering a privileged underachiever.
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Would you be ok with him staying home to take care of DB? Or do you need it to be you? If I were you, I'd def try to have a DB (get married first, if that's important to you). You said your maternal instinct is satisfied with the kids you take care of. But that means you do have a maternal instinct, I think eventually you will want your own. I'd do it, ask employer to stay home for a bit (would they be ok with it?) and then have him stay home with DB part time and do daycare part time. Or, he has to man up and work more, esp since he is the one who wants kids.
[ Reply | More ]+1. And in the meantime, if there's even a CHANCE that you'll be having kids in the next several years, he needs to start working more. He has an incredibly high student debt load to deal with. I would also make sure to know exactly what your own plans are with him -- are you committed to being with him forever? In other words, are you not married just because you don't believe in the need for marriage, or are there other reasons? All this talk about "his" and "my" savings and debt also sends up red flags. If you knew for sure you wanted a baby then it's one thing, but you could end up single mom (and probably the main provider, unless he gets his act together, financially).
[ Reply | More ]... in any case, he sounds like right now he'd be the more obvious choice to stay home with the kids, but before you start making major financial decisions like that I think you'll have to start approaching your debt as "ours", and also think of future savings, etc., as "ours." I'd feel uncomfortable doing that without marriage, but if marriage isn't an issue for you, I'd at least make sure that you have had big conversations and also have all your bases covered legally to make sure that the entire family is protected in case of worst-case scenarios.
[ Reply | More ]OP here. RE: combining money. I’m a saver and he’s a spender. We’re able to compromise on most things, though, so I think we would be able to reach an agreement on this too. However, this is an emotional issue for me, not merely a financial one. I have known occasional hunger and semi-homelessness in my childhood, and I have a lot of fear about it when I think of having my own kids. No security= no kids.
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OP here. Re: him being a SAHD: He doesn’t have my background and experience in child development, he wouldn’t do money-saving extras that I’d do like bake from scratch daily, garden, sew, cut hair, change oil, couponing, etc. This is why I think it would be better for the family for me to be home. But if I had to be completely honest with myself, I know he’d do a good job. He may park them in front of the TV with a Happy Meal more often than I would, but they’ll still loved and happy. The real reason I think I “should” stay home or go part time is really just because I want to be there for all the little things.
[ Reply | More ]OP here. He would only break up with me if I refused to have kids even if he tried to make more money. Even then he probably wouldn’t break up with me. He’s very committed. I am too, but only if he can shoulder his financial load.
[ Reply | More ]NP: op, you deserve to be with someone who is a good person and can pay bills. These things are not mutually exclusive. (I'd argue it doesn't matter if someone who can't pay bills acts like a good person. You're better off when they're straight up parasites, or sadists. Those you *are*, in spite of your apparently significant "stuff," worthy enough to avoid.) Lose this dude, make a real effort to meet someone able to be genuinely loving. If it doesn't work out, get back with him after 40.
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[-]Need a recommendation for a jogging stroller please, to be used primarily for running. Bob revolution or bob ironman or other? thanks
6 replies [ Reply | Watch | Morecheckout the mountain buggy stroller at www.thedapperbaby.com
[ Reply | More ]I have the Bob Revolution. It's really smooth and it rolls over the "terrain" in Central Park. I don't run, DH does. Unfortunately, my DD didn't like going running in it so he never uns with DD. But we use it on weekends sometimes -- it's a pain in stores or for public transportation but good for walking, very smooth.
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I am moving to Miami from NJ in a few weeks for work and was hoping that someone can recommend a great nursery school (son is 3.5 years old) that is academically focused (preferably in the north miami beach/miami shores area since i will probably start out in bal harbour/bay harbor). Any information/advice on those neighborhoods (community life) or the public elementary school there (Ruth Broad) would also be very helpful. Thanks!!!
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[-]May be leaving NYC for West Palm Beach area - recs on where to live with 1 DB and hopefully 1-2 more in next few years? TIA!
6 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreYES! Check out El Cid neighborhood...it's beautiful and on the intracoastal. Have fun! I grew up in PB and loved it.
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The poster below is partially correct. WPB has very bad parts, but have you looked at all the neighborhoods near PGA National? I have a lot of friends that live in those gated golf course communties and they love it.
[ Reply | More ]I am poster below. We live in a gated golf course. It's nice, but last year crime spiked. This area has been hit very very hard by the economic crises. Please spend serious time here before moving. And really scope out neighborhoods. I have friends that live on the water, but they're only a few blocks from the crime. I was locked in a classroom today with my 2 yo as a gunman was running loose in the area by the zoo and science museum. Ft. Lauderdale is much safer, and I've heard good things about Jupiter, but I've never been.
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Wellington or Boca. South Florida is weird, you go from a majority rich jew yorker town (Boca) to a haitian ghetto area (some parts of delray) in like 10 minutes...the areas here change in very short distances. Honestly google the local schools, find out the demographics of the area, and you can figure things out. -xyz
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[-]In my fifties. Past menopause for several years, now. My hair was thinning but in the last three weeks it's gotten really thin on top - I have to wear it back to cover how thin it is. I've been using Biotin which was helping, but now, I have new hair loss. Any suggestions? I feel so embarrassed.
5 replies [ Reply | Watch | Morealso take iron (or have your levels checked). For me cortisone shots helped a lot in regrowth you get them at dermatologists, although not every derm does it for some reason. Nioxcin 4 shampoo, rogaine and there some foam that's prescription that has cortisone in it. Each helps in its own way, start one form of treatment and then add after 4 weeks so that you know what is working and what isn't. I would start w/cortisone shots and the shampoo.
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[-]How difficult is it for a father to get full custody of his child? My brother has been begging his wife to get psychiatric help, but she refuses. He is concerned about the welfare of his child if left in her care. Has anyone know had any experience with this?
3 replies [ Reply | Watch | MoreIs this a verified psychiatric problem? I ask because my husband told me every day, several times a day that I was bipolar, manic depressive and needed medication. He also told me from time to time that he would have me committed and I'd never see my child. He also told everyone we/he knew the same thing. Well, I have no history of mental illness and my DC and I are living happily together without him. So if it's a true psychiatric problem that would endanger the child, your brother has to consult a physician for advice on how to help his wife.
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[-]NYC-er here who MIGHT be relocating to Miami. Have a nine year old daughter and almost five year old son. What are the nicest areas of Miami for families where a NY'er (through and through) would be happy and what are the best private schools? If we re-located sometime within the next few months would we even stand a CHANCE of getting both kids in to schools? Here in NYC admissions are a total nightmare. Thanks.
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Unsure. This is all kind of hypothetical now. Would do either, in theory. More concerned about schools really.
[ Reply | More ]Can't help you with schools. I can help you with areas. I lived in Miami for a number of years.
[ Reply | More ]What are good areas for families? DH would be working in SoBe so would want it to be convenient for him but also, safe, with other families for me and the kids. None of us speak Spanish and are pretty boring and "white bread", lol
[ Reply | More ]You had better learn to speak Spanish! Otherwise, you are a social outcast. Personally, I detest condo living and all that it stands for. For nice areas with single family houses, Coral Gables or Coconut Grove.
[ Reply | More ]Which is closer to South Beach, Coral Gables or Coconut Grove? Do you know HOW I could find out what the best private schools are? I see schools online but don't have a way of vetting them.
[ Reply | More ]Not hugely different in distance. I know nothing about schools. I lived there before children.
[ Reply | More ]What is the difference in Coral Gables and Coconut Grove in terms of cost, "flavor", etc? Which do you think a NY'er would like more? Where are they in relation to each other? Sorry to grill you, but no one else has replied :)
[ Reply | More ]In a nutshell, Coconut Grove is funkier and Coral Gables is swankier. If you're a dyed-in-the-wool New Yorker (I am not, so I detest condo living), you may prefer the condo life. In that case, your geographic choices are completely different.
[ Reply | More ]Where would a condo dweller live? SoBe? Are there any families with young kids living there?
[ Reply | More ]I worked on Brickell Avenue (Latin American banking) and I lived for a short time on Brickell Key and then for a number of years in Coconut Grove. I loved it! But then again, I am Hispanic and speak Spanish and Portuguese, so it was very easy for me. No drawbacks. Well, maybe the hurricanes.
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Hi. Am a Miami native who lived in Manhattan for many years. The OR to your post is correct..Coral Gables and Coconut Grove are some of the nicest areas for families. Coral Gables and Coconut Grove both border each other and overlap in some areas, so the difference is not that much. There are of course other areas, but as far as being centrally located to the best schools, I think these two are winners. Also try South Miami and Pinecrest(on the outskirts of Coral Gables). These areas are about a half hour to 45 min commute to SoBe depending on traffic. Some wonderful schools are Alexander Montessori, Riviera Day School and Gulliver Prep. If you don't mind religion, there are some good religious schools, such as Carrollton School of the Sacr...
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Elena, Juan, Carlos, Leonor, Pablo, Miguel, Irene. All in line for the throne: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Line_of_succession_to_the_Spanish_Throne
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[-]Moving to Miami Beach. Any idea where to look for a nanny in the Miami area, like Craigs List, etc.?
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Our needs have changed and now my resourceful and engaging nanny is available for f/t live in/live out baby nurse/nanny position with a new family.During her tenure with us, she was tremendously well organized, great communicator, can sing, read and stimulate your children she is educated and has experience with infant children,engaging and amazing and was certainly instrumental in increasing our kids learning capabilities words cannot express the appreciation I had for her and the love and care she portrayed during her stint with us. My loss will certainly be another family's gain. Please feel free to email me clari3584@gmail.com for more info. She just moved to Miami, you can arrange to meet with her when you get there.
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Our needs have changed and now my resourceful and engaging nanny is available for f/t live in/live out baby nurse/nanny position with a new family.During her tenure with us, she was tremendously well organized, great communicator, can sing, read and stimulate your children she is educated and has experience with infant children,engaging and amazing and was certainly instrumental in increasing our kids learning capabilities words cannot express the appreciation I had for her and the love and care she portrayed during her stint with us. My loss will certainly be another family's gain. Please feel free to email me clari3584@gmail.com for more info. Thanks.
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[-]Has anyone been to Cancun after the oil spill? How are the beaches? I wonder if they were affected by the disaster.
1 reply [ Reply | Watch | MoreI have actually been reading a bunch about this as we go every winter to Riveria Maya/Tulum/Holbox all Cancun area. Supposedly because of the way that currents work the Yucatan Peninsula will be spared. I am not sure I would eat fish from the Gulf, but in terms of tar balls, the beaches, etc, it should be fine.
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viva miami
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