Your search for ""only+child"" returned the following 6211 results:
Displaying results 1 to 25 sorted by recency. Sort by relevance.
[+] please give me some positives of having an only child. It doesn't look like a second ... 22 replies
- Your child will learn self-sufficiency. He/She will very likely be more mature than playmates...but it's true) and for your marriage. You can give your child your full emotional attention when they need it. - signed oldest of 7, mother of 2, married to only speaking from extensive experience and observation...
- All true. Only child here....
Talk : : April 10, 2012
please give me some positives of having an only child. It doesn't look like a second is in the cards for us.
22 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.10.12, 10:43 AM Flag ]-
-
Your child will learn self-sufficiency. He/She will very likely be more mature than playmates because of spending a lot of time in adult company. You will have more time for yourself sooner (sorry but it's true) and for your marriage. You can give your child your full emotional attention when they need it. - signed oldest of 7, mother of 2, married to only speaking from extensive experience and observation
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 10:58 AM Flag-
As another only child I agree- I'm much more independent and self-sufficient than many people, less likely to be intimidated by a situation. Having said that: be careful to socialize DC well, and keep your DC from feeling like s/he is the center of the universe.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 12:07 PM Flag
-
-
We have an only by choice and it's all positives IMHO, and we've never regreted it. DC is 9 and has no desire for a sibling. It's positive for our family life, positive for dc who is independent yet has many friends and is known for being a thoughtful friend, and it's positive economically.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 12:02 PM Flagop: do you ever feel bad that your dc won't have anyone when you and dh pass away? I feel sad that my dc will be taking care of us and then all alone. I have to get passed it because there is nothing I can do to change the situation, but it still bothers me. Also, did you foster his friendships (playdates at a young age) because dh and I are introverts and we don't want the same for dc.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 12:05 PM Flagonly child poster above: by the time you are that age, your DC will be old enough to manage it just fine, and will potentially have a spouse/partner for help and support. Siblings, on the other hand, may or may not be helpful to each other- and can often spend more time squabbling than working together
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 12:09 PM FlagI have an only too; also not by choice. You have to stop beating yourself up. Yes, it's ideal to have siblings with whom you are close, both as a child and as an adult. But it sounds as if your child has two interested and happy parents. Just because a child has siblings doesn't mean that his life will be more meaningful or happier than your child's . . . There's divorce, bad parents, siblings with health problems, siblings who fight, etc. And remember being an introvert does not mean something is wrong with you. Not everyone is cut out to be a social butterfly. Focus on making sure your child is ha
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 12:13 PM FlagI am an only and I have an only by choice. No, I don't feel bad about that at all. I will care for my parents when they are elderly and DH will be my support. FWIW I don't think a sibling guarantees anything in this regard.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 12:17 PM FlagI posted above. I come from a big family and DH is an only. The complement is perfect. When we do things with his family I love it, and my kids get all their grandparents' love. He has a blast when he's with my huge crazy family. However, in spite of having 6 siblings, DH is by far my best friend. Your DC will have a family of his/her own someday and you will not have to feel torn but will easily be able to stay in touch with your DC and grand-kids.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 12:27 PM Flag
2-on-1 defense, you can't lose. With two kids you have to go to man-on-man or zone.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 12:20 PM FlagI am an only. DH has one sister with whom he is not close. I don't mean estranged - I mean I literally have acquitances that talk more than they do. They don't hate each other... more like a complete lack of emotion. So for me, there is no advantage and one of the reasons I made a choice to have an only.
[ Reply | More ]04.10.12, 12:22 PM Flag
[+] It is my IL wedding anniversary. Round #. I didn't know/remember until couple days ag... 12 replies
- sounds like dinner was only with him - maybe they wanted more family involvement - like their grandchild and why can't your parents also be involved? what am I not getting - also is he an only child? maybe you can invite them and a couple they are close with out to dinner...
- Acting like what someone else wants to do for them is not only expected, but then is not good enough, is worse than a 5...
Talk : : April 08, 2012
It is my IL wedding anniversary. Round #. I didn't know/remember until couple days ago. Am I supposed to do something?
12 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.08.12, 07:11 AM Flag ]like 50? if so you and your husband should at least do dinner with them, maybe a gift too
[ Reply | More ]04.08.12, 07:14 AM Flag-
seems like a milestone that should be acknowledged - what's your husbands thoughts since they are his parents - are they the party type? dinner and a show? picnic? what do they like?
[ Reply | More ]04.08.12, 07:44 AM FlagThey like attention. I am 7mo pregnant and have an 18 mo old and my mother is visiting from out of town. I suggested to dh that he take his parents out for dinner. He did and also suggested they can come over but that seemed to make them unhappy. I don't know at this point if I have it in me to do much more. Any suggestions?
[ Reply | More ]04.08.12, 07:54 AM Flag^^ I mean dh offered dinner out but they didn't like that idea
[ Reply | More ]04.08.12, 07:55 AM Flagsounds like dinner was only with him - maybe they wanted more family involvement - like their grandchild and why can't your parents also be involved? what am I not getting - also is he an only child? maybe you can invite them and a couple they are close with out to dinner
[ Reply | More ]04.08.12, 08:02 AM FlagMaybe they should stop acting like petulant children...if it's such an important day for them they may have planned their own plans. Acting like what someone else wants to do for them is not only expected, but then is not good enough, is worse than a 5 year old acting like a brat on his birthday.
[ Reply | More ]04.08.12, 08:21 AM Flag
-
A nice gift at least. Are they having a party? My parents are having their 40th this year and are taking a large group of their friends to lunch at a hotel. I will be getting them a big gift too.
[ Reply | More ]04.08.12, 08:05 AM Flag
[+] How can I get my 4yo ds to be more assertive? He's an only child (we are TTC but no l... 34 replies
- impress your friends with how great a mom you are. You are here to love your child, provide all the basic needs and teach him the lessons you think are important in life.... suggesting therapy for a perfectly normal four year old boy? Dear Lord, a mother says her child happily steps off a piece of playground equipment when another child approaches and wants to play...
Talk : : April 05, 2012
How can I get my 4yo ds to be more assertive? He's an only child (we are TTC but no luck so far). He started preschool this year, but other than that, he hasn't had that much experience with other kids. I think I've been a helicopter parent. I didn't mean to be one, but I think I am. He lets other kids push him around and I don't know how to help him. The "mean girls" post made me think of about being teased in jr high and how awful it was (I was a quiet, meek kid). I don't want him to go through what I went through. Advice please?
34 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.05.12, 07:21 PM Flag ]he might be ok. the boys generally do ok as long as they aren't too small. if he is, some martial arts or something might be helpful.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:25 PM FlagDoes the pre-school teacher say he gets pushed around in class?
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:26 PM FlagNo, they haven't said this. It's just something I've noticed at the park, etc. Like today, for example, there was a kid blocking the entrance to a play structure saying "You can't come in" and ds yelled to me, "He won't let me come in!" He tattles. Today, I said, "Well, you don't have to listen to him, go in" and left it at that, but I feel like I'm too involved. He's timid around other kids. But no, his teachers haven't said anything about this.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:47 PM Flag
accept him for who he is - help him be the best "johnny" he can be. and stop being such a helicopter parent (you still are). It won't help him in life.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:26 PM FlagHow can I stop being a helicopter parent? I feel like I've screwed him up.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:44 PM FlagLOL, he's four. He won't remember anything. Just stop. Honest. It is not a competition, you do not have to impress your friends with how great a mom you are. You are here to love your child, provide all the basic needs and teach him the lessons you think are important in life. The trick is to know he is not you, or an extention of you. He may be the life of the party, he may be quiet, he may be a leader, he may be a follower - he was born who he is - just teach him to love that and make sure he knows how to cook and clean and take care of himself, etc. Put a man in the world that can take care of himself.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:50 PM Flag
Talk to the preschool teacher to see if there is a way for her to facilitate some "leading" opportunities in class(she probably does, like using the pointer, picking the weather sign for the day etc). Ask her how you can piggyback on this or talk to dc. Ask who a good playdate match would be. The fact that you are aware means that you will sensitive to this as your ds goes through school and able to help him navigate.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:37 PM Flag-
NP don't be a b*tch. These are great suggestions for building confidence in a shy child.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:42 PM Flag-
Never said it was. As someone else already pointed out, it's about helping him be the best johnny he can be.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:44 PM Flagyou can be confident and quiet. you are missing the point. BTW, I am the one who suggested helping Johnny be the best Johnny can be.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:46 PM FlagIf you really must sit around picking at semantics, you should do a better job of it. I didn't say anything about "quiet." Quiet is not at all the same thing as shy. In fact, shy people are the exact opposite of assertive - which is what OP is looking for help on. So I stand by what I said - OR offered good suggestions to help build confidence in kids who look assertiveness - yes, gasp, SHY kids.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:51 PM Flag
the OP isn't worried about shy-she is worried that her dc will get pushed around later in life-a legitimate concern.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:45 PM FlagOP: Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. He's actually not shy or quiet at all. He's a real talker and always has been...it's just that he's never aggressive, will get off a play structure when another kid approaches and wants to use it, etc.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 07:49 PM FlagHealthy aggression is important. He doesn't need to pummel anyone, but does need to stick up for himself. Does he roughhouse with dh? Do you talk to him about what's going on when he stops doing something bec another kid approaches? Maybe tell stories and act out scenarios with toys. Help him practice doing what he wants to do. Consider a social group over a week off or in the summer. Give him tools.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:07 PM FlagA social group? Has everyone gone mad? You are suggesting therapy for a perfectly normal four year old boy? Dear Lord, a mother says her child happily steps off a piece of playground equipment when another child approaches and wants to play... some people would call that polite and taking turns. And you suggest therapy? Heaven help this generation of children.
[ Reply | More ]04.05.12, 08:12 PM Flag
-
-
-
I don't know if you are still reading this thread but...my son is EXACTLY like this, he is a first child. You could be me a year ago. I am doing everything I possibly can to back off and just love him for who he is, every part of him. I know it is hard because you want to help. But he will find his way. We make an effort to get him out to the playground and have friends with kids over for play-time, but that is it. My husband is also not aggressive at all but he is tall and athletic and he said he had absolutely no problem making friends in school--I think it is different for boys. I was also the meek girl in the shadows--I think we are lucky we visited our personalities on our boys, not girls. And I'll bet the girls will love him :)
[ Reply | More ]04.06.12, 04:27 AM Flag
[+] Any single mothers on who can tell me it gets easier? 1 db, just me 100%. It's wonde... 17 replies
- Not a single mom here but just sending you some energy. It will only continue to get easier and better....
- a year and I send both of my girls to college. They always go to bed full and they are always clean, and very healthy considering they were preemies. Also I am an only child and to be honest if theywould have not come in a set I would only have one DB....
Talk : : April 04, 2012
Any single mothers on who can tell me it gets easier? 1 db, just me 100%. It's wonderful most of the time. Always completely physically and mentally depleting. But on some days, I just don't know how I'm gonna pull it off. And that mega millions didn't quite work out.
17 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.04.12, 03:55 PM Flag ]-
Not a single mom, but it gets WAYYYY better as they get older. I feel like the pre-2 years were much harder than the post-2 years. Everything got better. Not easier, but better. Hang in there.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:06 PM FlagThat's good to hear. My db is a very easy baby, so I'm always surprised at how hard/tiring it is even given that. Glad you think the post 2s are better.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:14 PM FlagYes, I really do think that. My ds was an "easy baby" by most people's definitions as well. Sensitive, always hungry, cried (hard) when tired or hungry, and didn't sleep well until 8 months, but other than that, all-around great, fun baby. However, caring for a baby is so much harder, IMHO. Your body still hasn't recovered fully from pregnancy until around year 3 (and I'm not talking about weight - I'm talking physiologically and hormonally) and everything is new and scary. It's just hell, even with a wonderful, perfect baby. It gets better!
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 05:28 PM Flag
I think it gets a bit harder from 12-18 mos, to be honest, b/c they are so active. But then it gets easier, and by about 4 it gets significantly easier. Get all the help you can and take a ton of pictures. As hard as it is right now, you will pine for these days when he is in K. Best of luck to you.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:17 PM FlagMy friends with dbs in that range are a bit run ragged right now, so makes sense. I'm definitely taking a ton of pictures. And you're right, I already think db is too grown up and miss the first few months...when I was even more tired and strung out. Ha. Can I ask what exactly gets so much easier at 4? Just self sufficiency?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:24 PM Flagor: yes, more self sufficiency. You don't panic if they are in a room alone. No more diapers, strollers, sippy cups, etc. You just walk out the door together. They can tell you if they are sick or hurt...communication just makes things so much easier. By 5 they can take their own shower! Of course, that's the physical stuff...it gets harder emotionally, I think. But that's parenthood.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:34 PM Flag
I can, single mom to twin DDs. They are 19yrs now and things get way easier. I have been their sole provider since the day they were born but they do have a grandmother who helps out trememdously.I have great friends too.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:25 PM FlagTwin DDs. Alright, then I should stop complaining since you've done double. :) Great to know it gets easier. The finances are my biggest concern, but I guess you just find a way. And I've been overwhelmed by how much friends have helped. If you'd had just one, do you think you would have had a second so that the first could have a sibling? Probably tough to answer.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:39 PM FlagYES! I wish I had done so. Thing is, I wasn't really single mother by choice. Unplanned pregnancy, guy not involved. But if I had it to do over again I would strongly consider insemination or adoption for second. I had a big family and I feel lonely for my son. I just try to make our house the playdate house, see cousins a lot, and generally be a fun mom to keep things full and lively.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:48 PM FlagI don't know who would be rude enough to respond to my response but to answer your question I make a little less than 30k a year and I send both of my girls to college. They always go to bed full and they are always clean, and very healthy considering they were preemies. Also I am an only child and to be honest if theywould have not come in a set I would only have one DB.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 07:16 PM Flag
I am a single mother to a seven year old. It gets so much easier. I miss those days, I have to say, so do try to enjoy them, even when they are hard. I took solace in the incredible bond that my son and I had (and still have). I agree with the Superwoman post - it is an amazing feeling to know that you can take care of this little person in every way and they trust you 100% to do so. Try to find some single mother friends. I did, when he was about 2, and it really helped. We would each take the other's kid occasionally for a few hours on weekends. We would have dinners and picnics with them. They are still really close family friends, and it is a safety net. You are awesome and you will do a great job!
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:44 PM FlagThis is so good to hear. I definitely do enjoy so much of it. Completely obsessed with db. The exhaustion and never get super solid sleep just tends to pile up. And I think I just get tired of never having someone to hand you the bottle or help clean up or get ready. I definitely have found a few single mom friends so I'll lean on them more. Thanks so much for writing. I really appreciate it. Oh and are you the person above who wishes they had had a second?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 04:58 PM Flag
-
[+] Need some advice. My mother is going through a divorce. She has an excellent job with... 89 replies
- it would be in her name? are you an only child? it matters because when your mother dies you...if she will be receiving a pension. She has only been working for the gov't for 3 years...investment and renting it to her? That is the only way this makes any sense....
- Agreed. That is the only way this makes sense....
- wanting to move do not apply to you. The only question is why the heck are you here asking...
Talk : : April 04, 2012
Need some advice. My mother is going through a divorce. She has an excellent job with the federal government (meaning excellent benefits) and she makes $65K. She is now 51, has nothing in savings or retirement, no assets. I am thinking of buying her an apartment, but not sure if it's financially sound. We only have $200K in savings and $100K in retirement, but our HHI is $400K and we're only 32/29. We have two DCs in public and our rent is only $1400/mo, no debt. An apartment for her would cost $250K (mid-level) and $450K (luxury building - which is where I am leaning). Thoughts?
89 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.04.12, 07:32 AM Flag ]where does she live now? will she get any alimony or % of assets in the divorce? Will her government pension when she retires be enough to live on?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 07:35 AM FlagShe lives with my stepfather now in the house that he inherited when his parents died. My mother doesn't want it and due to my stepfather's poor financial planning it's over-leveraged and now underwater. She will not be receiving any alimony and I doubt their are any assets. He is going through a bankruptcy right now and a financial mess. His business is gone, he has no source of income. I am not sure if she will be receiving a pension. She has only been working for the gov't for 3 years now. I am guessing that they require 20 years of work or something? She runs a work-rehab program for inmates. I do not want her working this job in 10 years - or even now, but that's what she is doing.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 07:41 AM Flag
-
-
what makes her job excellent if she has no retirement (401k or pension)? What "excellent benefits" are you referring to? I think it is a nice gesture to buy an apt for your mom, but what are your housing plans for you, dh, and your dcs? to continue renting forever? You certainly can't carry 2 mortgages on your current income.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 07:37 AM FlagShe only recently started this job, so she hasn't paid a significant amount into a 401K or pension. And yes, we will likely continue renting forever.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 07:47 AM Flagor: got it. but i still don't understand how you can be sure you will rent forever. you havenwhat if you move to a different
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 08:04 AM Flag^^^oops...you havent said what city you live in. what if you move to a different town or city? what if you want to buy a house. unless you are in some great rent control apt, how can you be so sure you will never buy?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 08:06 AM FlagWe won't be buying a house. It's not like buying is an unexpected life circumstance that one falls into. You have to make the decision to buy and it's not a decision that we will be making. We live in Manhattan. My mother does not live in NY.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 08:24 AM Flagor: I'm not trying to be argumentative with you, just making sure that you appreciate that you can't predict the future and it would suck for you to extend resources to buy for your mom, when it might end the possibility for you to buy for yourselves (or save for college, retirement, etc.). FWIW, we had no plans to buy either, but when I was pg with #2, we considered it and started looking, and found a great apt with monthly costs that were comparable to our rental (less when you factor in mortgage tax deduction). Other friends were hard-core manhattanites, but after a number of years decided to move to burbs, or spouse got a great job offer in another city, etc.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 08:39 AM Flag
-
this this this. this is downright crazy. i'm all for you taking care of your mom, but you have a retirement to plan for AND you presumably have children (or will have children) to provide for. this is completely irresponsible. i can't believe that your dh is on board with this.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:07 AM Flag
Are you interested in buying an apartment as an investment and renting it to her? That is the only way this makes any sense.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 07:49 AM FlagNo, I don't view real estate as an investment purchase. At best, I'd expect it to hold value. I would not be renting it to her because I want her to be able to save. I would own the apartment. If it helps, our HHI will be increasing by another ~$250K in three years.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 07:53 AM FlagMinor datapoint. And how do you know that (big) increase is coming for sure?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 07:57 AM Flag-
np: that's still no guarantee that you will be earning $250K more in three years.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 08:06 AM Flag-
OR and what's your residency to make this assumption (MD too)
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 08:08 AM Flag-
So if you don't have geo limitations, you are likely to be making at least 200k more (250 might be on high side) but you might have to do hand or something. You have to buy it and rent it to her, rent it below market but have her pay rent. She is MORE likely to save in this scenario then if you gift it. Also, should she go to a nursing home etc. you need to document that she does NOT own the property back several years.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:13 AM FlagShe's geographically limited to one apartment in Manhattan.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:16 AM FlagI know where I will be placed already. There is much in my post that is unexplained because it's not pertinent to the post. When I say that my income will increase by $250K in three years, I am not guessing.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:17 AM Flag
-
So your DH is the breadwinner? Is he onboard with the "let's us all our savings to buy MIL an apartment plan"? What happens if he loses his job? Needs to relocate?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:13 AM Flag-
OK, so then is your Sister Wife or whoever else is making the 400K on board with the buy mom an apartment plan?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:20 AM FlagThat would be me. The bulk of the income is from me. I have other income besides my resident's salary.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:22 AM FlagThis is hiliarious! You do whatever you want, whenever you want, and the entire universe conforms itself to your plan. You have mysterious sources of guaranteed income you will not reveal. Difficulties other people often face like finding or losing jobs or needing or wanting to move do not apply to you. The only question is why the heck are you here asking mere mortals for advice?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:41 AM FlagI'm not certain why you are taking such a tone. I didn't feel it necessary to write a 5000-word financial and personal history so that you may best answer the question. I stated my HHI, savings, debts, assets and the ages of everyone involved. I also stated that my income would increase in a few years by X amount; this should be enough to form the basis of an opinion on the matter. I'm not coming to UB for an expert opinion.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:51 AM Flag
-
-
How old it your mother? This plan really isn't wise from a tax planning and inheritance standpoint. Any assets your mother has at death will get taxed and assumedly split between you and your sibling. Inheritance wise, it is smarter if you and your sibling fund her current needs, if necessary, and she spends down her savings. Or if there is a provision in your mother's will that any support she receives from you during life gets taken into account during her will probate. Also, if she ever needs nursing care, it would be really helpful if she has divested herself of her assets for at least 3-5 years prior so that she is Medicare eligible.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 08:47 AM Flag-
Ok, but buying her an apartment now so that she can save is not a good idea from a tax planning and inheritance point of view. Give her support monthly as she needs it and as your income (and investments) grow you'll be able to handle her increasing needs. Locking up a good portion of your savings and committing future income to her apartment is not a good plan. particularly if her health situation changes abruptly.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 08:58 AM Flag
-
real estate IS an investment purchase. the fact that you would say that you don't look at it this way is proof to me that you aren't financial saavy enough to see that you shouldn't do this. this is absurd. if you're going to buy it and let her live in it, you have a defensible argument, but to buy it for her at your savings level and HHI is mind-boggling.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:09 AM FlagReal estate is not an investment purchase. It's a nice place to live and if you are *lucky* it will appreciate. You don't sound like you know what "investment" actually means.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:11 AM Flag
What does DH think of this? That's a big chunk of your change and big spread between what you'd be spending on her versus on your own family.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 07:55 AM FlagHe's ok with it as long as we keep the apartment in our name.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 07:56 AM FlagI'd be O.K. with it - she should pay rent - even if it is below market rent - just makes sense -if you want take the rent and save it for her - you can always gift it back to her if that is how it works out down the line.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 08:12 AM Flag-
TY, I took care of my parents for about 10 years - they took care of me when I was younger - a large reason they did not adequately save for retirement was that they sacrificed for my education - so it seemed a reasonable payback - we actually moved my mom into our house after dad died - it was great day care for our children, tough on my spouse - but he is a good guy.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 08:32 AM Flag
-
What are your mother's thoughts on all of this? Would she be comfortable living in in a luxury apartment while your own family is renting? I know, I wouldn't. Is she happy with her job? Can she herself see her working in that jon for another 10 years? I understand wanting the best for one's parents but it sounds like you are making the decisions for her. Is she happy withthat?
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 08:05 AM FlagI wouldn't do it. Your first priority is your kids and your retirement. I'm sure you know how expensive college/med school/whatever is. But just to put retirement in perspective, my poor grandparents-in-law spend 150K a year on rent in their assisted living home, and they have to pay hundreds of thousands more for a nurse that helps my GMIL, who has Alzheimer's. This year it will be more than twice as expensive, because GMIL is going downhill and is not able to live in a normal apartment anymore--has to move to an Alzheimer's ward, meaning that they have to pay for two separate apartments. Save, save, save. Help your mom, by all means, but with your income and savings you should not be buying your mom a 500K apartment.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 08:30 AM FlagI'd probably buy the mid-level apartment. Having an asset in my name sounds like a better plan than just loaning her money to get by on life expenses, which is what you'd be doing in all likelihood if she has to rent her own apartment and pay bills on that salary.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:46 AM FlagWe did this. My MIL lived in a house owned by my DH in his home town. We moved her to the city into my condo that I owned prior to our marriage and she lived there until she passed away last month. We are/will be renting out both properties and will sell the house soon. It worked out well for us.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 09:57 AM FlagIn your situation, I would buy an apartment for my mother without a second thought. Given that you're so young and with so little comparative savings, I'd buy a mid level apartment now. In 8-10 years, if your path goes as you'd expect, I'd buy her the luxury apartment you wish you could buy her today.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 12:06 PM FlagNO. absolutely not. You are not responsible for your mother. Do not start down this road. She can afford a place to live. If you want, loan her the security deposit, she can repay when her lease is up or use it for the place she moved to. At a minimum get some therapy and figure out some rational boundaries. Your DH is insane to consider this. There will be no end to it. It's not as if you're financially set. You have a lot of years to work and can't assume you'll always have that income.
[ Reply | More ]04.04.12, 12:16 PM Flag
[+] Are you the kind of person you want your child to be? Are the choices you made the sa... 22 replies
- Ditto and ITTTA. (BTW - I only have a DD and I WOH-PT)....
- them chose to SAH, but in your OR, only thought to mention your DD?...
- "having it all" (not saying it's the only way but it worked for me). HOWEVER...
- Only because when the poster said, "are you the...to be," I assumed that my only child who could truly be like me would be my daughter, as she's the only one who is female and could give birth....
Talk : : April 02, 2012
Are you the kind of person you want your child to be? Are the choices you made the same ones you want your DC to make? So many people on here are so strident and self righteous. Could it be the anonymity and the blurb plus verb nature of posting? Or do you think SAHM should groom SAHM/D and vv for WOHM?
22 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.02.12, 06:42 PM Flag ]Yes. Want my dd to have a fantastic education, have all opportunities open to her (law, i-banking, medicine, whatever else she wants), want her to have a fantastic and high paying career pre-kids - as that gives her options - and then want her to have the choice of either staying home (like I did) or working. If she works (and wants to), I'll be thrilled. And if she stays home with her kids, I'll be thrilled as well. Most importantly, I hope she makes decisions that make her happy. I also hope she doesn't care what others think of her decisions (because when you get down to it, nobody really cares about your decisions except for you).
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:02 PM FlagDo not have sons? Or do you just take it as a given what their choices will be?
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:06 PM FlagYes. I have 3 sons. I hope they love what they do and have the choice to stay at home if they want. My dh had that choice as well but we decided he would be the one to work as I wanted to be home with the kids more. We both had the same career/education and trajectory. I have more patience for the parenting aspect though and was happier doing that (for now anyway). In a few years, he may be the stay at home Dad.
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:11 PM FlagSo you have four DC, three of them boys, and would be just thrilled to pieces if any if them chose to SAH, but in your OR, only thought to mention your DD?
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:22 PM FlagOnly because when the poster said, "are you the kind of person you'd want your child to be," I assumed that my only child who could truly be like me would be my daughter, as she's the only one who is female and could give birth. Now, if you want to know if I'd be OK if my boys would want a sex change (to be like me), that's a whole other question!!!!!!!
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:26 PM Flag
Oh are you the SAHM I admire and want to meet in real life? ( no I'm not really a weird stalker but quite happy with some SAHM on here) signed workaholicOHM
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:07 PM FlagYou'd only want to meet me if you like wine/cocktails and talking about things other than your kids. So what do you do that drives you to be a workaholic? (Not that I don't admire that - I just wonder what drives it sometimes.)
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:21 PM FlagI love wine/ drinks and rarely talk about my kids past age - grade -school. I'm not really a workaholic just work over 60 hours which really wigs people out on here. I like my job and like competition and make a ton of dough. I like to talk about books, art, travel, exercise, men and I have a dry sense of humor.
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:26 PM FlagYou sound like someone I'd really like. What do you do to make a ton of dough? I need a next career (for when my youngest goes to school)!
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:28 PM FlagI would never admit the dough part in real life. And I don't even want to say here as 75% of UB posters will start activating their venom glands. Shhhhh finaxxx. Fill in the xxx's yourself
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:36 PM Flagso what type? What role? Is it something that could be a second career?
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:46 PM FlagNot a chance. Start from ground up in early 20s. Too much sacrifice at this stage... You are too wise to sell your soul to the devil when you grow up a bit. I'm trying to figure a second career too. I want to make decent money but do something more creative, it's hard to figure it out.
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:55 PM Flag
I want my sons to be more open minded than me, which I think they will be given the role models today. I want them to marry with long term compatibilty and interests in mind. ( which I did, sex ok all else great). I want them to NOT be as materialistic as me yet I want them to enjoy fine things ( conflicted desire on my part). I want them to resist the urge to cyber bully/ troll on an anonymous website no matter how evidently stupid the poster is. I want them to marry a highly intelligent spouse ( I'm average but DH is super smart). I want my sons to marry WOHM. So mostly I am the type of person that I want them to be!
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:05 PM FlagI think about this a lot. I'm a SAHM, but unhappily married. If I had a great career I might be happier or able to leave. I want my dd to stay home if she wants to...but I think she should work to have independence. She already says she is going to be a mommy just like me.
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:09 PM FlagWOHM. My mom worked part time at home, but fairly poor mothering skills. Lazy and self absorbed and very laissez-faire parenting. My dad constantly lectured me to get a job, become financially self sufficient and marry for love. Thank god for him and his advice as it's been the key to my happiness.
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:12 PM Flag
From 30,000 ft, yes. Married a truly great guy, good dad. Also, SAHM who had a successful and career pre-DCs, had DCs later and am now taking a few years off. Feel pretty good about what I achieved pre-DCs and when I go back (mid-40s) will be just looking for a job to use my degree (JD) and help pay the bills. I think it's an example of how you can go about "having it all" (not saying it's the only way but it worked for me). HOWEVER , I have a very short fuse, probably lose it more than I should and need to learn better anger management so that I don't pass that on to my DCs.
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:25 PM Flag
[+] The mothers who are obsessive over their dc, expect their grown dc to share every det... 18 replies
- I'm the mother of an only and I can say the same thing about mothers who have many kids and...
- BTW I'm not an only child but am the only daughter....
- OP: this is not intended as an insult to mothers of only children in any way. If all cats are animals it does...
- Only 1 grandchild and LOVES the grandchild (who is very young still)...
Talk : : April 02, 2012
The mothers who are obsessive over their dc, expect their grown dc to share every detail of their lives, expect to continue to be the center of their dc's world, are these usually the mother's of an only child or not?
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | More04.02.12, 05:17 AM Flag ]I'm the mother of an only and I can say the same thing about mothers who have many kids and can't spend any quality time with any of them. Are their kids going to grow up to be negligent in major areas?
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 05:30 AM FlagI've seen it sometimes between mothers and daughters. Can't say I've totally seen the same with mothers and sons. Men seem to have a better handle on boundaries. My mom was like this for many years with me a long time ago until I decided I'd had enough. It wasn't easy to change the dynamic, she took my putting up any boundaries as being the same as if I'd set her adrift on an ice floe, but today she's pretty respectful of my space.
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 05:30 AM FlagInteresting. So you think it is a personality type and they latch on to one of the children. I definitely know that this dynamic is present with sons.
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 05:34 AM FlagActually my mom is pretty intrusive (when she wants to be) with my brothers, but they seem to be better able to shut her down. My brother laughs about how she will leave 4 minute voicemails, and then if that's not enough will call back and continue to leave another one. There have been times when she used to call 12 times in a day just trying to reach me, then when I call her back all she wants to know is, what's the name of that actress in that show?
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 05:37 AM FlagI think it mostly has to do with mothers who don't manage to fill the void after dcs leave the nest. They expect everything to continue, business as usual, despite the fact that dcs have their own lives to leave. That's what it seems to be in my case. Mom doesn't have a life.
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 05:39 AM Flag-
It helps that Mom can divide her time between all of us. No, actually Mom is not interested in the grandkids. Almost positive she could not name middle names or birthdays for any of them. She hasn't seen the kids in years, just wants me to have lunch with her when I'm in town. She won't visit here. That's why it's not about the relationship with me, it's all about filling a void for her.
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 05:51 AM FlagSo your relationship is mostly over the phone? How much phone time does she expect?
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 05:54 AM FlagWell, there are other issues going on that make it sensible for me to keep my distance, but yes it is largely by phone or email. We are about 6 hours driving from each other. These days it's very manageable, a half hour at a time. Back in the day if she had her way it would be hours. And if I had to leave for something she'd get upset and call right back a half hour later to ask if I was finished with whatever it was.
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 07:31 AM Flag
-
I'm not sure it has to do with the number of kids as much as what else the mom has going on in her life once they are grown. My aunt has 5 kids and is way too enmeshed in the lives of the ones that are young adults.
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 05:43 AM FlagTHIS. My mom was a SAHM (which was great growing up) and really has so much free time and we were her life. I am WOHM and so busy, don't like talking on the phone and with my spare time want to spend time with my DC. She is sort of offended. I love her a lot and like talking to her just such little free time these days. She takes it personally. She doesn't get how busy I am. I am 1 of 2. She also loves the phone.
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 06:01 AM Flag-
Only 1 grandchild and LOVES the grandchild (who is very young still). She doesn't live near me unfortunately and will fly here to watch her pretty much when we need her (usually if DH and I go on vacation). I do put grandchild on the phone with her a lot (but DD doesn't talk yet)
[ Reply | More ]04.02.12, 06:26 AM Flag
-
[+] How many siblings do you have? DH? How many DC do you have? 29 replies
- Does be an only child play into your decision?...
- Every only child I know feels this way, except for my cousin....
- My dad is an only child...
- or above: I should add, I'm an only too. So I get it....
Talk : : March 30, 2012
-
-
-
Dh has one. I have one (and three half sibs, though I've never even met one of them). Have 3 dcs.
[ Reply | More ]03.30.12, 06:44 PM FlagMe: 0. DH: 1. We have 1 DC at the moment, but very much hope to have another.
[ Reply | More ]03.30.12, 06:44 PM Flag-
-
[+] I am having some tough times with my 3yo dd. She is incredibly strong willed, wants ... 32 replies
- stand your ground with her - it will only get more and more difficult if you do not...
- who are 18 mos apart, and they are 11 and 12 now and she has told me it only gets worse!!! That really worries me. I am an only child so never dealt with this personally. It is hard, though, b/c 3yo wants to do everything her sister does. I think next year will maybe...
Talk : : March 29, 2012
I am having some tough times with my 3yo dd. She is incredibly strong willed, wants her way, throws tantrums, whines. Sometimes when you give her what she wants, she changes her mind and wants it another way. NO joke! She plays minds games. She is very smart and also seems to be incredibly sensitive to the fact that her 5yo sister is older than her, she constantly says she is as grown up as her sister and tries to prove she can do everything her sister can do (which she can most of the time). She is upset that her sister will start kindergarten in the fall and she will not. One day she was put in her sisters Any good advice on how to deal with this?
32 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.29.12, 07:37 AM Flag ]-
Most of the time, we do NOT give in. I constantly ignore her tantrums, put her in timeout, etc., and while it works for the moment, we go right back to same thing a few hours later. When I say "give her her way" what I meant was, she can ask for white milk, so I give her white milk. Then she says she wanted/meant chocolate milk, not white, so I say no, and don't give her chocolate. But, occassionally, if I were to say ok, I will get you chocolate since you didn't say "white milk" just "milk", she might turnaround and say, "NO, I don't want chocolate, I want white milk." Sometimes she wants the opposite of what you say or do, it seems, just to be contrary. Same way with clothes, especially clothes and what she wants to wear.
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 07:45 AM Flag-
Yes, honestly, one day I said the sky was a pretty blue and she got REALLY mad and said it was not blue (it was cloudy that day, I guess it was gray to her). She is constantly asking me what signs say, wants to know what words start with certain letters, and tells me things like "Did you know milk and cheese come from cows?" Did you know white and black make gray?" I feel like she needs more stimulation, maybe, than her preschool which is mostly "play."
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 07:53 AM Flag
If you let her have her way, it'll just make the problem worse
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 07:43 AM FlagOp here: To all of you, we DO NOT give in to her, read description above. She is in preschool but is oldest in her class and I believe she is bored and probably should be with other kids. It seems her tantrums got worse when she was put in Preschool with younger kids, still in diapers. She has been potty trained almost a year.
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 07:48 AM FlagWhether or not a kid is in diapers doesn't make them immature--maybe find a program so she gets some interaction with other kids. She may prefer older kids because again, she might get her way as she is seen as a baby and not a peer. In a class with peers she will learn proper socialization. She probably is bored.
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 07:52 AM Flag-
Preschool and playdates with her age group, get her more active with peers her age. If all she knows is her sister than thats all she will try to be, talk about her friends, hang up their pictures, etc. Balance out what she has with her sister.
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 07:48 AM FlagI think that is good advice, the problem is, as you can see above, she is oldest in her class (many of them still 2 or just turned 3, and she will be 4 in a couple of months).
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 07:50 AM FlagYeah thats tough, she needs closer age group friends. Can she move into another class at the PS that her sister is not in but has closer age kids? Also this is a phase, DS did the same at 3.5, changing his mind all the time and then finally one day just said "oh all right your way" and now at 5 it rarely happens. Sometimes I joked it, "hey you silly goose you just said black, now your saying white?? I'm so c-o-n-f-u-s-e-d by you", and lots of giggles...it took the drama out and made it less important to him to make a power struggle out of it.
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 07:58 AM Flag
-
No, I have thought about Montessori, where she will be with older kids. My 5yo will go to public K. It is just odd to me that she gets so upset about it at this age. I feel like I am going to have a lifetime of misery if this sibling jealousy stays like this and I am not sure what to do to best cope with it. Her 5yo sister is great with her, but sometimes she does pull rank and it makes the 3yo furious. It told them one day last week they are equal in every way, and do not talk about it (who is oldest, tallest, can do this or that better, etc.) I don't know if that was the right thing to do.
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 07:57 AM FlagI think all you can do is encourage the 3 yo to explore her talents and feel some independence. Let her take some classes her sister doesn't take, or pursue a sport she likes. I also think you have to go heavy on her regarding the jealousy and complaining. She's got to learn to control that. She will always be 2 yrs younger, there is nothing she can do about it.
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 08:01 AM FlagI know, my cousin has girls who are 18 mos apart, and they are 11 and 12 now and she has told me it only gets worse!!! That really worries me. I am an only child so never dealt with this personally. It is hard, though, b/c 3yo wants to do everything her sister does. I think next year will maybe be better since they will be in different schools. That will be a good step towards independence and making her own set of friends.
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 08:03 AM Flagor: my dds are older and there is some jealousy but they have different talents, which I have always encouraged. Older one is athletic, younger is musical and artistic. But they have things in common too, and take classes together sometimes. They are both in a pottery class right now and the younger one likes that she is an equal to her sister when they are there. It's a tough balance, but it works.
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 08:11 AM FlagWhat is the age difference with your daughters, age and grade-wise? Was it harder when they were younger? Mine are exactly 24 mos apart. I think it it hard for the 3yo to find interests outside of those of her older sister, she truly idolizes her. I know that should get better as they get older, but hard for all of us right now.
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 08:14 AM FlagMine are 8 and 10 and are almost 2.5 yrs apart. Younger idolizes older one as well, but my older one really adores her younger sister which is sweet. They can be truly mean and hateful to each other sometimes, too. Their relationship seems harder now that they're older. The almost 11 yo wants to be a teen, and is trying to separate herself from her *baby* sister. It's hard to watch! All in all they are good sisters but I worry about the next few years.
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 08:26 AM Flag
[+] Anyone regret having an only child? Thinking about making things permanent b/c am so ... 19 replies
- My sister has one child and she loves it. No regrets at all for her....
- b/c I had three older brothers and only liked one....
- I was the only one and I loved it. I have three...
- We have an 8 y/o only child. For the most part, we are happy...'s not an issue then). Having an only allows us to do a lot of things...do with more than one DC - I only work PT, DC is in private school, etc....
Talk : : March 28, 2012
Anyone regret having an only child? Thinking about making things permanent b/c am so happy with just one DC. Will I regret? BC doesn't really work for us.
19 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.28.12, 02:46 PM Flag ]My MIL, my dh, and I seriously regret her decision to stop an one.
[ Reply | More ]03.28.12, 02:52 PM FlagI love having one. Sometimes I wish she had a playmate but most often I'm so glad not to have to mediate the sibling r'ships. I hated having siblings.
[ Reply | More ]03.28.12, 03:40 PM FlagI am an only and I am so happy being an only that I chose to have an only. My dc is a teen and also very happy being an only.
[ Reply | More ]03.28.12, 03:43 PM FlagEveryone has regrets about something. What if you had a 2nd who made you tear your hair out and had health or other issues, or your two kids fought all through childhood and weren't bffs? Your 2nd dc might not be that magical.
[ Reply | More ]03.28.12, 05:02 PM FlagGood grief. This crew is more neurotic than Charie Brown at Christmas. I'm surprised you even had a first DC. I can see the thought process: "What if he doesn't get into Horace Mann? What if she has cankles? I guess I'll pass on motherhood." Have some faith, o miserable ones.
[ Reply | More ]03.29.12, 09:40 AM Flag
We have an 8 y/o only child. For the most part, we are happy with the decision and will not change it. There are days that are tough - like now, when most of her friends are away for spring break and I'm hearing a lot of "I'm lonely" (she spends summers at camp or with her cousins, so it's not an issue then). Having an only allows us to do a lot of things that we couldn't afford to do with more than one DC - I only work PT, DC is in private school, etc. I love my siblings and my sister is my best friend, but my brother and I couldn't be more different if we tried - not all sibling relationships are wonderful and that's just the luck of the draw.
[ Reply | More ]03.31.12, 06:53 AM Flag
[+] Confession: I'm 39 years old ( single mom of an only child). I have been single for ... 4 replies
- That's fine. You've already had a child and don't want to start all over again. If you do happen to meet and fall in love all over again, you may also be surprised to get another huge burst of hormones and the baby urge, or not....
Talk : : March 26, 2012
Confession: I'm 39 years old ( single mom of an only child). I have been single for 6 years and at this point do not want to have another child. For some reason I feel washed up and a has been. Even if the right man came along tomorrow I do not want to have his kid and that makes me feel sad.
4 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.26.12, 02:30 AM Flag ]I think it's more than ok if you feel like you don't want another child. Or is it more that you are depressed about being single? They're two different issues really although I see how they relate of course. Maybe therapy? Not to find another man, but just to feel better
[ Reply | More ]03.26.12, 03:12 AM FlagI think it's just fine that you are done having children. Why would this make you feel badly about yourself? I think if you realize you're done that's fine. Are you were open to dating a nice person who did not want children, though? B/c there are many men out there not interested in kids (maybe they have kids, or don't want them for some reason) but do want to be in a relationship.
[ Reply | More ]03.26.12, 03:50 AM FlagAww...I'm 31, 2 kids. Single for a year and I feel this way sometimes. BUT, other times I can realize how awesome I am. Loving and loyal and a good mom. Spend time with friends and focus on what you have, not what you theoretically couldn't be for someone you haven't met. Sucks - everytime someone I know falls in love, I feel a little used up and dead inside. It should pass.
[ Reply | More ]03.26.12, 05:37 AM Flag
[+] Were you tortured or abused in some way that made you dead inside? 11 replies
- I have also lost both my amazing parents and a close friend and therapy helped me immensely. Please gt help. Are you an only child, by he way?...
Talk : : March 25, 2012
Were you tortured or abused in some way that made you dead inside?
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.25.12, 02:13 PM Flag ]-
sorry. life sucks sometimes. hang in there. i hear it gets better as we get older.
[ Reply | More ]03.25.12, 02:24 PM FlagFor me, much worse. I had a golden life until losing my parents. Now I have also died. I was full of joy but now I realize my parents were part of the joy. And it is so unfair to see them gone and most people their age enjoying life, retirement, grandchildren. I will never be ok about this. the flip side of having amazing parents is that when they are gone it is like someone turned off the lights in your heart. My life is now a hell of missing them every second of every minute. Dramatic, but the truth, and though I am fine on the surface, I will never be that joyous person again.
[ Reply | More ]03.25.12, 02:53 PM Flag
[+] I rather be broke with 3 kids than well off with 1. 33 replies
- of all the material things she could buy if she only has one kid....
- your polarizing way of saying you would never have an only child?...
- thinks they would have been better off as an only child because they would have had their own bedroom...
- Do you think people have only one child so they can have extra money?...
Talk : : March 25, 2012
I rather be broke with 3 kids than well off with 1.
33 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.25.12, 10:38 AM Flag ]So what? Millions of other poor people feel the same way, that's why our country is in the state it's in.
[ Reply | More ]03.25.12, 10:45 AM FlagI'd rather have 1 house and 3 kids than 2 houses and 1 kid. But to say broke sounds ignorant and irresponsible. You're basically saying, I'd rather the taxpayers pay for my children than plan my family to fit within my means.
[ Reply | More ]03.25.12, 10:46 AM FlagHave all the kids you want, buy why wouldn't you just live within your means?
[ Reply | More ]03.25.12, 10:47 AM FlagWhose saying OP isn't? I took her post to mean that love for her three kids more than makes up for the sacrifice of all the material things she could buy if she only has one kid.
[ Reply | More ]03.25.12, 10:51 AM Flag-
We all feel that way, no? I don't know any parents who would trade their kid(s) for a better house, fancier car, or more material things--after they have kids. I do know parents who have a vision for how they want to provide for their children (private school, travel, neighborhood, whatever), and consider those variables when deciding on family size.
[ Reply | More ]03.25.12, 11:01 AM Flag
-
-
Is this just your polarizing way of saying you would never have an only child?
[ Reply | More ]03.25.12, 10:52 AM Flag-
Sounds like you have too much time on your hands if your objective is to get a rise out of people.
[ Reply | More ]03.25.12, 11:05 AM Flagnp: You realize this board is full of people who do this, right? I've done it myself a couple of times. It's ridiculously easy. I once typed, very simply, "Why do people need weekend nannies?" and started a whole flurry of people bitching about their difficult lives.
[ Reply | More ]03.25.12, 11:39 AM Flag
-
-
I am completely opposite. I think husband and I will be of the one and done school of thought (currently pregnant with DC #1). This is partially for personal reasons and partially for environmental reasons. Furthermore, working in the ER, I see first-hand the families who have more children than they can support. It isn't pretty.
[ Reply | More ]03.25.12, 12:35 PM Flag
[+] How often do you see extended family (both yours and dh's) if they live an hour away?... 12 replies
- I'm an only child and DH had one sister (who lives in Brooklyn and does not yet have DC), so it's easy enough to sometimes combine. (Cousins and other relatives are not local - or were just not...
Talk : : March 22, 2012
How often do you see extended family (both yours and dh's) if they live an hour away?
12 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.22.12, 09:19 AM Flag ]We are in the city and DH's parents are in Westchester (35-40 minutes). We see them 1-2x/months. My parents are in the city (a few blocks from us) and we see them 1-2x/month (sometimes with ILs, sometimes on their own). My mom also sometimes babysits, but I don't count that!
[ Reply | More ]03.22.12, 09:29 AM FlagThank you. I just had a huge argument with my mother because they are "celebrating" something every weekend of April. I told them I will be attending Easter and my father's birthday as I see those are the most important. The others are a "family brunch get together" and a congratulatory celebration for my 16 year old niece for a track meet win.
[ Reply | More ]03.22.12, 09:39 AM FlagI'm an only child and DH had one sister (who lives in Brooklyn and does not yet have DC), so it's easy enough to sometimes combine. (Cousins and other relatives are not local - or were just not that close.) I get annoyed when plans are last minute and we're expected to be available.
[ Reply | More ]03.22.12, 09:45 AM Flag
-
[+] Any women on here have a bad relationship with their father that goes back to childho... 13 replies
- , but you never forget the past. I also think a bad reltionship with your father as a child equals bad realtionships with men later in life. You get your self-esteem from you dad. If that isn'...
- Never was good. My brother was really my father's only child and he never seemed to like me. He was someone who was not able to take responsibility for caring for a family. Parents are divorced now...
Talk : : March 20, 2012
Any women on here have a bad relationship with their father that goes back to childhood? Has it improved in adulthood or has it stayed the same?
13 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.20.12, 06:16 AM Flag ]My father was gone before I turned 4. Met him again when I was 18 and lived with him for the summer when I was 20--ended up leaving early because he was a jerk. Didn't have a relationship with him at all after that, though my sister tried to "make" me have one. Saw him when I was 32 for the last time. He died a few years ago. No regrets; he was toxic.
[ Reply | More ]03.20.12, 06:24 AM FlagYes, it has improved, but you never forget the past. I also think a bad reltionship with your father as a child equals bad realtionships with men later in life. You get your self-esteem from you dad. If that isn't strong, it's hard to make up for it later
[ Reply | More ]03.20.12, 06:56 AM Flagwhile the above is a popular therapy perception, it is not necessarily fact based. If you are aware of your father's issues, or have worked out the issues he had with the family and are honest and straightforward about them, you are not going to pick dipshit men. Too many kids wind up in therapy because they keep trying to have a normal relationship with toxic, abusive, missing, deadbeat, drug addicted, cheating, indifferent, etc. father's and that has caused kids to choose partners that mimic the problems or the cycle or the emotional place the father has in one's thoughts and heart. BUT if a kid or adult faces the father issues straight on, there is relief and healing. I know of many people whose fathers were nutcases, difficult, etc. and they have great marriages and parent themselves very well.
[ Reply | More ]03.20.12, 07:11 AM Flag
Bad relationship as a kid. He had an affair with my friend's mother. Hated him all through adolescence. Kissed his ass to get him to pay for college and once I was done and working, I told him off and haven't seen or spoken to him in 25 years. He considers me dead.
[ Reply | More ]03.20.12, 07:26 AM Flagmy dad was horrible and scarred all of us - my mom, two sisters and on brother - for life. as a young adult, i pretended it didn't happen and cultivate the myth of a great father who had died rather than abandoned me. very naive, i know but i think i'm quite normal due to my little mind game. Married a mensch (a man a lot like the father I had dreamed up), have two great kids and decent career. no drugs or drama.
[ Reply | More ]03.20.12, 07:41 AM Flag
[+] How bad is it if my 4yo ds barely does any playdates? I'm hoping being in school is e... 12 replies
- is ttc? He will be fine he's only 4. Does he have local friends?...
- I have an only and he doesn't have any siblings to...You're doing the right thing. He's only 4 he will have lots of friends plus...mommy. Id rather spend that time with MY CHILD! our nanny picks DS up and takes him...s the right time. My ds is one only child in his class and people ask all...if we are going to have another. If only it were that easy! I just had a...
Talk : : March 19, 2012
How bad is it if my 4yo ds barely does any playdates? I'm hoping being in school is enough socialization for now. (He's an only child but we are TTC.)
12 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.19.12, 03:51 PM Flag ]what is ttc? He will be fine he's only 4. Does he have local friends?
[ Reply | More ]03.19.12, 03:57 PM FlagOP, our DS is in the same position. he socializes in school. or when I take him to the park (we live across the street, so I do that a few times per week). DH is a lawyer, Im a surgical resident. sorry to sound like a bitch, but I dont have lots of spare time to have bullshit socliazation playdates sitting around talking to some other mommy. Id rather spend that time with MY CHILD! our nanny picks DS up and takes him to the park, and usually (weather permitting) ill take him back later. I like to spend my at home time with DS, not with DS and some other parent. He doesnt seem socially inept, and I'm just going with that.
[ Reply | More ]03.19.12, 04:07 PM FlagOP: Thanks. To be honest my ds had kind of a rough start in school. I won't say he's inept, but he definitely preferred to interact with adults instead of kids. He's gotten better now that he's been in school since Sept. He kind of had to learn how to interact with kids. I feel guilty because I *really* want a sibling for him, but it's been hard.
[ Reply | More ]03.19.12, 04:11 PM FlagOP, are you me, lol? DS started in Sept and also had a really hard time adjusting from being home f/t w/ nanny, to being in school. hes pretty mature and perceptive for a 4 yr old, OTOH, had a very hard time adjusting to things like sharing toys. took a few months, but I think we are on the right track. and the sibling guilt- same thing here. we tried 2 yrs ago for an entire yr. things didnt work out. now i feel guilty because - as a mom, I have this desire to parent another kid, and I feel bad for DS, who wants a sibling. but logistically, I cant get pregnant right now. the whole pregnancy situation makes me kinda sad, but I just try not to think about it right now :(. ack. but I get you on both fronts :)
[ Reply | More ]03.19.12, 04:29 PM FlagOP: Thanks. I hope it works out for you too on the pregnancy front, when it's the right time. My ds is one only child in his class and people ask all the time if we are going to have another. If only it were that easy! I just had a miscarriage last year so it makes it even harder. Eh, life.
[ Reply | More ]03.19.12, 04:34 PM FlagI also miscarried during that year of trying. it was during my 4th yr of med school. I was in Chicago, alone, freezing, interviewing for a residency position. it was a nighmare. missed my flight back. worst week of my life...just was not meant to be. and we are asked that all the time too, despite the fact that people know I am doing my residency! and not "if," but "when." we should have a playdate op ;).
[ Reply | More ]03.19.12, 04:38 PM Flag
[+] Sad. DH is adament he doesn't want another DC. Our one DC is almost 8 and I am pushin... 18 replies
- getting more involved with the lives of immediate family (does your dc have any cousins) and building up the sense of extended family. I was close with two cousins as a kid (I'm an only child) and I think that was really nice for me!...
Talk : : March 16, 2012
Sad. DH is adament he doesn't want another DC. Our one DC is almost 8 and I am pushing 40, so time is running out. We both wanted more initially but he has changed his mind . . . has made very clear he won't budge -- says I'm free to leave the marriage if I wish. Seems pretty silly to leave him in the hope I have a DC with someone else. But the issue is seriously eating away at the relationship. I wish I could let it go.
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.16.12, 09:39 AM Flag ]-
He's worried about $, even though we make plenty, also says we had hard time after dc was born -- which is true. Back then, he was unemployed, my job was probkematic, MILs was living w/us (!) So yes, it was hard. But we are in such a different place financially and emotionally now. Also he doesn't want to "start over" with diapers, no sleep etc.
[ Reply | More ]03.16.12, 09:47 AM Flag
it is very odd your dh would say you are free to leave. it sounds like he doesn't know how long he wants to remain married to you and doesn't want to add yet another element that binds you together. of course, i don't know either of you, but it seems VERY off.
[ Reply | More ]03.16.12, 09:47 AM FlagOP: Yeah, it's not a great sign I guess. He's saying it more in the spirit of: if that's what you really want, I understand if you leave. But still . . .
[ Reply | More ]03.16.12, 09:48 AM Flagi don't know if a man who really wants his marriage would say that.
[ Reply | More ]03.16.12, 09:51 AM FlagNP It may have been more in the heat of the moment, out of anger. But OP, it sounds like he doesn't want a second child. I don't see what your option is but to accept that and move on, mourn the loss, and celebrate the family you do have.
[ Reply | More ]03.16.12, 09:58 AM FlagThanks for being kind. I do think our relationshiop does DH loves me. I do need to move on, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful for amazing DC I do have. But I think I'm OK and every time a hear of a friend having a second or third it's like a punch in the gut.
[ Reply | More ]03.16.12, 10:03 AM FlagI know it stings terribly. I understand that. I hope you can try to come up with a Plan B, as in getting more involved with the lives of immediate family (does your dc have any cousins) and building up the sense of extended family. I was close with two cousins as a kid (I'm an only child) and I think that was really nice for me!
[ Reply | More ]03.16.12, 10:16 AM Flag
I understand completely. I'm in a similar situation. DH and I love each other, we adore dc, and I'm 39. He does not want another child. He says that dc is "everything he ever wanted" and doesn't want or need more. The thing is, though, that sometimes it's easy to see the positives in more children and not see the positives in having an only. I'm really trying to live in the moment and be grateful and happy for what I have (as dh does), but I admit it can be very hard! Sorry, no words of wisdom, but I do feel your pain.
[ Reply | More ]03.16.12, 01:45 PM FlagSame boat here. Beginning to slowly come along to my DH's point of view. doing alot of self examination about why I want a second and starting to think it's just natural for most women, esp. b/c I enjoy motherhood so much with our one DC. DH is just alot more practical--his reasons are more about money and time, even my career, which half the time I feel like I would throw out the door if he didn't talk me off the ledge. So I think yes, maybe we can learn to accept over time and eventually be at peace
[ Reply | More ]03.16.12, 03:58 PM Flag
-
[+] DH here. I have two kids, 18 and 14, who live with their mom and I have paid child su... 31 replies
- our Agreement (which actually never went through Family Court-- only Supreme Court). Since it's community college...the case never went through Family Court-- there is only child support ordered through the Divorce Agreement (different court...
- Is child support expected for an eighteen year old?...
- (not thrilled) but wants a new agreement regarding child support BEFORE he moves...
Talk : : March 15, 2012
DH here. I have two kids, 18 and 14, who live with their mom and I have paid child support since we divorced 10 years ago. My 18yo wants to move into my house this summer after he finishes high school and attend community college here in the fall. Assuming my ex and I have equal incomes... should the child support be null during the period my son is living with me? I need to open a dialogue with the ex and I am terrified.
31 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.15.12, 02:07 PM Flag ]If your incomes are equal I think it would be null. Just be careful opening that can of worms because if she thinks you both are obligated to pay for college for your oldest, that will be another argument.
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:10 PM Flag^^what are you terrified about by the way? and are you paying alimony?
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:12 PM Flag^^^ well, I have been paying money to her for so long that I cannot imagine she will simply let it stop. Also, the case never went through Family Court-- there is only child support ordered through the Divorce Agreement (different court). So I am afraid if I cannot make an agreement with her and have to go through Family Court, I will end up in a worse position somehow. My new wife and I have a 3 yo.
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:15 PM FlagIf you have a three year old it's all the more reason to let her take you to court if she wants. You should get a reduction anyway because of new circumstances (your three year old)
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:27 PM FlagReally? I spoke a lawyer briefly at the time, and she didn't think I would get a reduction. (BTW she said reductions are almost NEVER given... in cases where dads lose their jobs or get significant pay cuts they are told to "get another job"
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:29 PM FlagWell I'm no lawyer so I'm sure she knows better. The court is so messed up sometimes though. Why should the other two children get this outrageous amount and then the new child get simply what's leftover? It's almost like you'd be better off if your new son's mother sued you for child support too. Then they'd have to factor it into the grand sum.
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:33 PM Flag
Yeah, I here you. There is no college stipulation in our Agreement (which actually never went through Family Court-- only Supreme Court). Since it's community college... I would pay for it.
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:13 PM Flag-
Does his mother know he wants to live with you after high school? Why isn't he going away to college?
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:14 PM FlagHe really screwed up in high school so community college is really his only option... it is "away" for him because he has lived some distance from me. Mother knows and is trying to talk him out of it.
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:19 PM Flagyou both should encourage him. it sounds like he needs a fresh start to focus on his studies.
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:28 PM FlagHe screwed up for all of high school? Did he do ok on SATs? Do you have an understanding about what happened? Why is she trying to talk him out of it? Do you think she is genuinely worried he wants to hide out, and be an underachiever? I get you want to be there for your son, but, if possible, try to reach agreement with his mom on strategy. If you're going to let ds do what he wants, maybe give her a chance to get in front of it. So, if he does do it, it can't be about pushing mommy's buttons.
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:31 PM Flag
If he lived with his mom and attended community college, would you help pay for it? Continue to provide support? aybe it is time to have that discussion.
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:18 PM FlagCurious. Did you reinstate the cable that your wife wanted to turn off so you could watch March madness and bond with your son?
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:20 PM Flagum... no. Wife is nervous about the move because the boy is so unmotivated... it's going to be hard.
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:23 PM FlagNp: your wife is right to be nervous. Try considering what is in the kid's interest instead of what he wants. And supporting the person who's primary on taking care of him. Don't let guilt or conflicted feelings give him an escape from the reality he created by (presumably) not doing schoolwork.
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:36 PM FlagI honestly believe it's in his best interest to relocate, his friends are just as lazy as him and generally not going to school at all. I guess I should try to talk to the ex and discern what her motives really are and what her reasons are for opposing the move. My current wife is OK with the plan (not thrilled) but wants a new agreement regarding child support BEFORE he moves.... which I'm not sure is realistic.
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 02:44 PM Flagshe is right. you absolutely should. especially since you would be paying for his college (even if it is community college). does he work? often times a part time job really helps boys step it up on the maturity level. my husband and brother were both like your son but ended up turning around and they are amazing today.
[ Reply | More ]03.15.12, 04:39 PM Flag
-
[+] I'm bi and have a 5 month old and a 2 year old from my previous relationship. I met t... 15 replies
- Split. My eldest son was an accident and then his mom didn't want him to be an only child, ect. I already know it's a mess....
Talk : : March 13, 2012
I'm bi and have a 5 month old and a 2 year old from my previous relationship. I met this gay guy we text a lot and I've gone out with him four times already but we've been talking for about 6 weeks now and I'm going to have the boys over this weekend, but he wants to come see me. Should I tell him I have kids? I BARELY hinted something to him about having kids and he flat out said he never wants any. I was thinking this weekend just saying "hey, I want to introduce you to a couple of my friends.." when he comes over, but I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Will this scare him away? Should I tell him I can't hang out this weekend? I'm 18 he's 25
15 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.13.12, 09:50 AM Flag ]-
-
Are you a man? Are a woman who dates heterosexual men, lesbian and bi women, and gay men???
[ Reply | More ]03.13.12, 09:55 AM FlagI would say fake, but this is too stupid to be fake unfortunately. I think OP is an idiot. You're going to introduce your children as "friends" in hopes of keeping some guy you want to date...THIS is why I think the new PC culture gives LGBTQs a blank check for any type of behavior in the quest to seem liberal. Some things have nothing to do with gay or straight--some things are just stupid. Change this post around and have it be a straight mom planning to do the above for a straight man: the woman would be crucified on here.
[ Reply | More ]03.13.12, 10:00 AM FlagIn fact I'll say it because no one else will: OP you're trifling for even considering it. Your children did not ask to come here and they will be your children much longer than you will likely be screwing that man. Even if you become lovers for life--those are your children. Your problem has nothing to do with you being Bi--you're a trifling a$$...there is a HUGE difference.
[ Reply | More ]03.13.12, 10:04 AM FlagGTFOoH with this bullshit -- it is this crap that gives gay bashers raw material ---
[ Reply | More ]03.13.12, 01:15 PM Flag
[+] My mom watched our kids this weekend while DH and I went away. They are 4 and 2 and i... 15 replies
- don't be defensive. you want honest feedback about your kids from people who love them and only have their best interests at heart. if you can't have an honest conversation with your own mother, that...was implying she couldn't handle it. She has cared for our little one all day and both of them for one night before. I was an only child so she never knew what it was like to have 2 at once. I'm really beginning to think we asked too much....
Talk : : March 12, 2012
My mom watched our kids this weekend while DH and I went away. They are 4 and 2 and it's the first time she has done this. When we got home she acted totally shell-shocked and had nothing positive to say about spending time with them. But when I asked, she kept insisting everything was fine. Should I pursue this with her, ask for details? Or will that just open up a can of worms or make me seem ungrateful? They are good kids, but have rough moments just like any small kids do, I imagine.
15 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.12.12, 11:57 AM Flag ]She probably was shell-shocked. 4 and 2 are quite intense ages, she probably forgot how exhausting looking after children that age is. My Mom wouldn't ever have watched them for a whole weekend when my dc were that age, no way. I wouldn't ask her to do it again for at least a couple of years.
[ Reply | More ]03.12.12, 12:00 PM Flaghad she ever kept them overnight alone before? all day? you might have set her up for failure or lack of understanding of what she was accepting to do. I am shell shocked at the end of a weekend day - that is what wine is for - but I am the mom.
[ Reply | More ]03.12.12, 12:03 PM FlagOP yes, I agree, I worry that I will be defensive, one of the reasons I am hesitant to bring it up. However, if it really was too much for her I want to know--do not want to ask her to do it again and put her in a bad position of feeling like she had to say yes. I know we were asking a lot and I have thanked her multie times, we brought back a gift for her, and I left food so she would not have to cook for the entire weekend.
[ Reply | More ]03.12.12, 12:07 PM Flagwhen we had grandparents watch our 2 and 4 year old we had a mommy's helper come over once and once we had the nanny come for most of the day. took the edge off a really long weekend. also made lots of food/prepped everything for them.
[ Reply | More ]03.12.12, 12:09 PM FlagI thought about having the nanny come help out but I think my mother would have been offended, as though I was implying she couldn't handle it. She has cared for our little one all day and both of them for one night before. I was an only child so she never knew what it was like to have 2 at once. I'm really beginning to think we asked too much.
[ Reply | More ]03.12.12, 12:13 PM Flag
When my parents have my kids (and they LOVE my kids and have a lot of fun) my mother will call and say she's on the front steps w/ a bottle and she hopes we get there soon. Mine are 1 & 3. It's a lot - even for parents in good shape. Hell - I can't handle them alone for a weekend! I don't know how single parents survive. I don't know how our sitter manages - I think she's counting down the days until my oldest goes to preschool in Sept!
[ Reply | More ]03.12.12, 12:13 PM Flag-
I am PG with #2 and my mother in law has watched our now 2.5 year old for a few different weekends. I think 2 is really hard - almost no downtime - so I would suggest if you are going to ask her again, to say you will have a babysitter come for a few hours both days.
[ Reply | More ]03.12.12, 12:16 PM Flag
[+] Is it normal that my 9 yr old ds does not have a best friend? It makes me sad for him... 11 replies
- Is he an only child? My child is an only and it's especially lonely for him....
Talk : : March 12, 2012
Is it normal that my 9 yr old ds does not have a best friend? It makes me sad for him. Anyone out there who was older when they got their first bf?
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.12.12, 08:42 AM Flag ]I hope so. DD is 7yo with no best friend and she has the same classmates every year.
[ Reply | More ]03.12.12, 08:45 AM FlagI have a 9yo and a 5yo. 9yo is socially very reserved and oftenuncomfortable in groups, but has always had a BF since age 3. These have generally been long term friendships,not the kind of BF that changes weekly. b 5 year old is much more social and gregarious but has not yet had a BF. The BF thing is a mixed bag at best. On the one hand is a "home base" sort of friend, on the other hand it can be devastating when those frienships have difficulties.
[ Reply | More ]03.12.12, 08:59 AM Flag
[+] I'm planning on hiring a nanny very soon -- I will be home with my DD (only child and... 9 replies
Talk : : March 08, 2012
I'm planning on hiring a nanny very soon -- I will be home with my DD (only child and 20 months old) with the nanny. Plan to work from home and occasionally step out for work (own business). Want nanny to be full time, 8 hrs/day. What is reasonable pay?
9 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.08.12, 08:31 PM Flag ]Just so you know, you being there is a downside for the nanny, especially with DD being a toddler.
[ Reply | More ]03.08.12, 09:42 PM FlagNP: even if I help and relieve here a fair amount? Why? Because if I wasn't she'd be putting DC in front of tv or what?
[ Reply | More ]03.09.12, 02:19 AM FlagNanny here. Because it's much easier to take care of someone's kids when they are not there. It's weird when the kid is throwing a fit or something and you wonder what the parents must be thinking over hearing that from the other room. It's a little more stressful to feel like your boss is looking over your shoulder and listening to how you deal with every minor situation. It's just more awkward. That said, the most awesome job I've had was with a WAHM. I was with them for 5 years and still talk to their 4 kids regularly (ten years later). I'd ALWAYS prefer a job where the parents did not work from home, but if you keep clear boundaries (go in your office and work...don't allow the kids to come in complaining to you when they are unhappy with the nanny, etc.) it can be fine.
[ Reply | More ]03.09.12, 04:47 AM FlagOther nanny here: I'd also ad that if you are working from home there is the added stress of wanting DC to never cry and never yell. My boss occasionally works from home. Normally if the kids are acting up I have no problem calmly reacting to their tantrum without giving in. When mom is in her home office I stress that they are bothering her, so it's harder to stay neutral.
[ Reply | More ]03.09.12, 06:58 AM Flag
$500 - $600 to start net / week + PTO & 1-2 week bonus in December.
[ Reply | More ]03.08.12, 10:09 PM Flag
[+] My 4 yo dd has been experiencing some emotional problems. About a year ago she was ve... 18 replies
- Yes, I think you are right. I only considered therapy because of her other behavior problems (still whinning, not...in public and sometimes just looking sad). I even thought about getting her a pet since she's an only child and I think a companion would help. I'm so lost and so sad about this....
- - and I never would have known, she is like a different child now (confident, a leader). In this particular case, it was...
Talk : : March 05, 2012
My 4 yo dd has been experiencing some emotional problems. About a year ago she was very outgoing, always the 1st to make friends in the playground. Since she started prek she's been very shy,almost the outcast. She plays ocasionally but overall much more shy than her friends. She also has become an extreme picky eater over the past 2 years. I've had some personal problems (divorce,depression,etc) so I think that must have affected her. Today she told me she wants more friends. Breaks my heart. Do you think a therapist would help or just more playdates?
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.05.12, 06:19 PM Flag ]Encourage her to play more with other kids. Let her know she is special and once she allows other kids to get to know her she will have friends.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 06:20 PM FlagI would make play dates and have outings with friends and other moms. It will be spring soon and easy. Why not try that before therapy?
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 06:23 PM FlagYes, I think you are right. I only considered therapy because of her other behavior problems (still whinning, not eating at all, horrible tantruns in public and sometimes just looking sad). I even thought about getting her a pet since she's an only child and I think a companion would help. I'm so lost and so sad about this.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 06:25 PM Flag
She might feel different than the other kids because of the divorce. There are great play therapists all over the city, might be good to enlist some help.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 06:28 PM FlagTalk to her teacher. I'm a pre-k teacher and a student in my class had a year like you describe last year (not in my class). Her mom spoke with me at the start of the year - and I never would have known, she is like a different child now (confident, a leader). In this particular case, it was a number of factors (a different class, a year of maturity, a happy summer) - but if she had been having the same issues, I would have worked to "manipulate" classroom situations to help her feel comfortable and self-assured.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 06:41 PM Flag
[+] Spinoff - the post on women's memories of bonding with their moms over VERY tradition... 69 replies
- , but the truth is, that i was an only child and she had a very 9-5 job (...(less lucrative) careers second, and do most household and child care work. And their wives bring in cash &...what they used to. there are many moms whose child has a health or developmental issue and they don...one of your examples blame WOHMs? What - marriages only fall apart for WOHM? Families who grow up...lazy because she's at home with her child while going through grad school. In fact, most...
Talk : : March 05, 2012
Spinoff - the post on women's memories of bonding with their moms over VERY traditionally feminine activities - do you think so many of us choose to be SAHMs or wish we could be because those are the activities we remember from childhood? Do you think, with so many more children of WOHMs, the next generation won't be as conflicted with their choices as we are?
69 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.05.12, 12:47 PM Flag ]The next generation is going to go back to a more traditional division of labor between spouses, but they will be less rigid about which gender spouse takes which role, and in this way far more accomodating of same sex households. But it will become far less common for both parents to work.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 12:50 PM Flagi could not disagree with you more. and i'm a wohm w/ a sahd dh, so i should want/hope for you to be right. for the rest of time, the norm will be two working parent households. (or single parent headed households). there is no other way to make the math work for the majority of americans.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 12:52 PM Flag+1. And who says I'm conflicted? My old-timey mom is proud as punch at my achievements as a WOHM.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 12:54 PM Flag-
prices reflect market demand. the COL went up when middle class and upper class women decided to work, such that now it's not really a choice (has never been a choice, obviously, for the working poor). If middle class and wealthy women (or men) change their minds, cost of living can go back down accordingly.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:00 PM Flag
-
I think we are moving in this direction, yes- but with a twist- It think there will be one anchor parent- the parent who works a less demanding job that's around more to be the home link- for example- mom the executive and dad the teacher - dad the traveling consultant and mom who wah picking up 30 hours worth of freelance per week.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 04:45 PM Flag
No. I never wanted to be a sahm until I had babies are realized that life is short, prestige doesn't matter, and I really wanted to spend time with my children. I had the fortunate situation of being able to spend a whole summer with my 2 year old (who had previously had a nanny while I worked) and realized that I was really missing out by being away from him. The things I love about being a sahm are absolutely not cooking/cleaning/sewing etc. but rather spending time with my kids doing other things. I rarely do anything domestic with my kids (for better or for worse). Though I do have them do chores. But it's not something we do "together" for fun.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:03 PM Flagi think the conflicted choice comes from the realization that it is very difficult to juggle both FT WOH and being the kind of mom most of us want to be. my mom went back to FT work when I was 7 or 8 so I experienced both, but the truth is, that i was an only child and she had a very 9-5 job (the kind that doesn't come home with you) and so it worked for our family. Many professional women today, do not have that kind of job and have diffuclty trying to make it work with motherhood. The conflict comes from not being able to really have both but wanting and or needing both.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:10 PM Flagit sounds like you feel conflicted. and you have identified the source of your conflict. you must realize that everyone looks at the world through her own lens. not all of us feel the same way that you do.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:11 PM FlagI'm absolutely conflicted. Yet I've never met one mom who WOH FT who doesn't feel like she sacrifices something - either at work or at home or a little bit of both - even those at very high HHI who are able to outsource a lot. In the 1980s, women were told they could "have it all" and the fact is, that no one can have it all.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:17 PM Flagnp: do you know dads who think they "have it all"? because while i feel like i can't do everything i want, its nto just me. my husband feels the same way.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:19 PM Flagor: i know more men who are happy with their job and the amount of time they spend with their kids, than i know women. maybe they grew up with different expectations, maybe it's truly a difference in the sexes. i can't answer it. very few of the WOHM i know want to SAH FT, but they do wish for more flexibility to be home when they want OR that their careers weren't held back because they can't give 110% to work like before.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:22 PM FlagNnp: most men with wives who WOH do have it all. they might not appreciate it--after all, everyone wants more of something--but they have careers & family. They have wives who "choose" to place their (less lucrative) careers second, and do most household and child care work. And their wives bring in cash & give BJs anytime they lift a finger. They have kids who adore them, but they dont have to sweat decisions about how to care for them. If that's not a great deal, what is?
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:35 PM Flag
everybody sacrifices something. there is no way to BE in the world that doesnt involve sacrifices. you make peace with the choices you make. and you live your life. you are grateful for what you experience and try to live your life in the best way you can. that's why you're not conflicted.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:21 PM Flagthat's what most people are doing, they are doing the best they can. that doesn't mean they aren't conflicted at times. op suggested that the conflict comes from growing up with a SAHM and lamenting that your family isn't like that. I think the conflict comes from growing up thinking you can have a successful career and you can have a great family. adn then you realize that the career doesn't make room for the family and sometimes the demands of family need more time than what you can carve out.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:25 PM Flagwho grows up thinking they can have all that? did any of us have that family? i know when i was in college that conflict was something we worried about, and yes, this was in the 1980's.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:27 PM FlagI'm sorry you feel that way. I have a successful career and a great family. I don't waste my time feeling conflicted about whether I'm doing enough.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:34 PM Flagthen i think you're lucky. but there are many women whose career success has stalled bc they cannot give what they used to. there are many moms whose child has a health or developmental issue and they don't feel it's getting the attention it needs from childcare providers. there are moms who feel their marriage fell apart bc WOH FT and kids didn't leave enough time for them to nurture that relationship. I'm not saying it HAS to be that way, I'm saying it often happens and therein lies the conflict.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:39 PM FlagWhy is it that every one of your examples blame WOHMs? What - marriages only fall apart for WOHM? Families who grow up with SAHM are sad they can't provide the same nirvana for their kids?
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:41 PM Flagwait a sec - i'm not blaming WOHM. I AM a WOHM. I think many SAHM are conflicted too, just about different things. But the OP made a very specific hypothesis that i was responding to about whether the next generation would not be as conflicted bc more had grown up with WOHM. my response is that i don't think the conflict is between what one grew up with and what one does now, but more about how hard it can be to have both career and family. that conflict leads some to opt out of WOH even though they may have enjoyed their careers and it leads others to wish they could but cannot for financial reasons. and it leads many to work very hard to balance the 2, some feeling more successful than others at that juggling act.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:49 PM Flag
It's true that no one can "have it all," since it's a pretty lofty goal. However, I have a job that I love, with flexibility to be with DS if I needed to. Did I sacrifice? Well, I could be making more money and putting in more hours, but when DH and I decided to have kids I got a job at a nonprofit so it could give me the flexibility I needed. So I don't have the fancy $500k a year job, but I don't want it either - not just because I have a child but also because I love this job more.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:28 PM Flag
ITA 100%. It is very difficult. We have evolved to the point where women are expected to work, but we have not yet reached the nirvana where men are expected to partake in childcare 100% to offset what was traditionally done by the mother. We will get there in time.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:14 PM Flagor: but even in those situations where the dad does partake a full 50%, it's still not ideal. not that mom at home and doing 100% of the childcare and housework and dad at work doing 100% of the income earning was ideal either.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:20 PM Flag-
she doesnt know. she's "conflicted" (code word for immature and uncomfortable with the choices she has made thus far)
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:23 PM Flagor: wow. that's kind of harsh. i don't see why being conflicted about whether you are making thr right choices now or whether you made the right ones 10 years ago is "immature". i see it as introspective. i think it's a good thing to question your choices rather than assume they were right or best. and frankly, i think MOST people do it, even if it's only in therapy later when they wonder why things ended up so differently than they planned. I made the best choices w the information i had and the way i felt at the time, but information and feeling change over a couple of decades. what seemed best then, doesn't always seem best now.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:32 PM Flag
-
or: i'm really surprised at the responses on here. i talk to a lot of moms in real life. most of them feel some degree of conflict. some have found a terrific balance and some have not and all wonder what they might have done better/differently/etc. this isn't implying that they wished they could SAH - FAR from it. just that they didn't realize how challenging having a serious career and a family would be. not sure why that's such a controversial statement, but apparently it is!
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:35 PM FlagI have problems linking your concept of success and serious career with working a lot of hours. I work for the city - which, may not seem like a sucess story to most people here - and I love what I do and I am good at it.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:39 PM Flagfair enough. i think that not all jobs/careers are the same in terms of their demands. if you have a job that you enjoy and are good at, that is successful, in fact, if you have that and don't work long hours and have some flexibility to do family things and make a decent salary, i think that's even more successful! but i don't think those jobs are just up for the asking, i think those jobs are hard to come by.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 01:43 PM Flag
I responded that my favorite bonding activities with my mother were sewing, needlework, craft projects, cooking and traveling. My mother was a bank executive. I am a finance executive myself. Just because you engage in "feminine" activities doesn't mean you can't have a powerful career, too.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 02:00 PM FlagWhen did she find the time to do all that? I'm a WOHM and there's no way I could fit all this in.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 02:30 PM FlagOR: My mother left for work at 6:30 am and got home around 5:30 or 6 pm. We did needlework and craft projects at night while watching TV and sewing and gardening took place on weekends. Travel took place on weekends or vacations. And my mom was a granny mom (in her 40s when she had me) in the days when everyone's mother was 20 years younger. I never realized it then but I guess she had a lot of energy!
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 07:29 PM FlagGetting home at 5:30 or 6pm really makes a huge difference for a WOHM. You can have a semblance of a normal life. Do bank execs these days have that kind of schedule? I doubt it. Who got you up and out in the mornings?
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 07:32 PM Flag-
I'm not trying to -- I wish I could do this, and if I could arrange my schedule that way I would feel like I could have so much more fun with DCs. As it is, every night is a rush. I didn't mean it to come off that way, and wondered if things were different then.
[ Reply | More ]03.06.12, 07:21 AM Flag
-
I don't know about that, but I chose to be a sahm bc my mom was a wohm.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 03:28 PM FlagInterestingly, I was a tomboy who did legos, orienteering, hiking, crossword puzzles, and read World War II books with my mom (who was much more feminine but really got to know each of her kids' likes and dislikes). Now I WAH part time, care for db, and cook and clean ;)
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 06:35 PM FlagI'm of a different generation as I'm 27 and my mother is 52. She was a WOHM and always instilled in me that she regretted not being at home with us when we were young. I'm finding that a lot of women of my generation are easily choosing to stay at home while going through grad school or returning to work after a few years. I find that the provincial SAHM/WOHM debates really only apply to women in their 40s. I've never heard of anyone calling someone lazy because she's at home with her child while going through grad school. In fact, most of us refer to one another as "super moms."
[ Reply | More ]03.06.12, 07:07 AM Flag
[+] Please help: deciding between Mandell, Brownstone, and Montclare. Pros and cons? 14 replies
- as families with older siblings at other schools (exmitted before Mandell had its ongoing) graduate out. the % of families that have their oldest / only child at mandell is increasing...
- and I don't think you can go wrong with either choice. Also, it's only 2 years. Decisions about Kindergarten will be a MUCH bigger deal!...
Talk : : March 05, 2012
Please help: deciding between Mandell, Brownstone, and Montclare. Pros and cons?
14 replies [ Reply | Watch | More03.05.12, 11:20 AM Flag ]-
can you tell us what's important to you? what are your priorities?
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 12:22 PM Flagwell, they are all close enough to home. i like that mandell and montclare have a lot in the way of facilities - gym, library, computer area, art room, etc. however, brownstone feels really personal and cozy. i want my ds to be at a place that is fun for him but provides some education and will recognize his strengths/weaknesses. of course, i would like him to go to a good school after preK and am not that interested in the ongoing at mandell.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 12:25 PM Flag
I would totally pick Brownstone. Thought it was a great school. We didn't get in two years ago and I still think about it fondly. Mandell is too much drama and I just found Montclare(Claremeont)weird, cold and too academic for pre-school.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 12:25 PM FlagI would have to disagree, I think all of them are wonderful schools, Brownstone is a play based school, you should think if your DC will be prepared enough for K, he would probably have a wonderful time but at the end this NYC and the next step is a though one, Mandell is an amazing school (I am myself about to pick a school), love Mandell, the facilities are probably the best in NYC , and the teachers/directors are extremely qualified, your DC will be so prepared for the years to come and he/she would be extremely happy, the drama around Mandell is made by the people that are not in the school, based their opinions in "nursery university controversy" which BTW I found GR did an amazing Job or they just don't have enough information about the school, we absoltely love Mandell even if it is a lot more expensive than Brownstone, not even to mention that you can choose the on-going program!!! Montclare, is an awesome school, very much like Mandel but I found it a little less warm for a 2 year old, I would support the post about giving it a thought and think about what matters to you, for us, we want our DC to be happy, learn as much as possible in a nurturing enviroment, for us facilities matter, because that is the way we are, we love clean, modern and functional and also we want to feel that we belong there and Mandell has it all!!!
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 03:36 PM Flag
OR: Can I suggest that you really give some thought to what matters to you vs. the difference between schools? I've been really really stuck on my own ps decision- made pro's and con's lists, asked everyone's opinions. etc- but it was when my mom said "it's all about what your expectations are for preschool" that things clicked. I realized what matters most to me about preschool and my decision became much clearer.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 12:27 PM FlagI know it's a hard decision - it sounds like you have a 2 year old that will be turning 3 during this next school year? For my family, a school like Brownstone would have been fine for the first year, but when my dc was turning 4, she really need more stimulation / challenges. "Cozy" is nice, but for many kids the need to explore really kicks in when they turn 3-4 (for example, we tended to play at one playground when dd was 3, but when she turned 4 she really needed a bigger, more challenging playground - we found this to be true in almost every aspect of her life; she was just ready for bigger challenges...) For us Mandell fit the bill - the teachers are so warm and nurturing, and the space is unbelievable. They actually have a hen hutch in the gigantic outdoor play space that houses chickens that arrived as baby chicks - the kids have taken care of them every step of the way - there are so many examples like this of "experience-based" learning, and my dd is able to talk in vivid detail about all of her learning experiences at school. Our family loves Mandell and can't recommend it highly enough. We love that our dd won't "outgrow" Mandell.
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 04:31 PM FlagNP: If Mandell is expanding its preschool to include a new location in Tribeca, then won't there be twice as many "in-school" applicants as there are spots in its ongoing school?
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 04:47 PM FlagThere is a new space at 66th as well. So there will be quite a few locations. We were trying to decide between Mandell and Montclare (didn't get through the lottery at Brownstone). We chose Montclare because we thought it was the best fit for our family and I was unsure about the ongoing school and how the exmissions process would work if we chose to exmit. That being said, we could have ended up at Mandell and would have been totally happy there as well. The great thing is that they are all great schools and I don't think you can go wrong with either choice. Also, it's only 2 years. Decisions about Kindergarten will be a MUCH bigger deal!
[ Reply | More ]03.05.12, 05:01 PM Flag
-
Subscribe to our newsletters!
Go »
Inside UrbanBaby
UrbanBabyBuzz
Probably the picture right to the side here, probably already has you judging this show. If so, Netflix’s description of the plot may turn you off still further: “Journey to the enchanted land of Equestria, where young unicorn ...
More »
UrbanBabyNewYork
A changing body during or after pregnancy means you’re ready to rethink your workout routine. Instead of denouncing the gym for weeks, then working yourself into a frenzy of Bikram yoga, spin and sprints in the park, it’s time for a ...
More »
