@becauseimjewish Thank you! xo

@ChristinaLKelly Congrats! xo Be safe; I'll come back!

@scottishstevie I'm doing London later in the year & will really try to do Scotland on that trip.

@mat_johnson I will soon, for sure.

I don't perform in toilets. RT @scottishstevie: @robdelaney is it true you are coming to scotland?

I want to do standup for you. I have shows soon in Miami, DC, Philly, NYC & Sasquatch: robdelaney.tumblr.com/post/165364913… RT! #burp

It took me a while to follow @robdelaney even though I enjoy his tweets mostly because I was very put off by his avi.

Krugman bringin' the HAMMER down! @NYTimeskrugman: Money and Morals: nyti.ms/xfM2eJ #GirlYouKnowItsTrue

How long do I let my baby cry before I call the police?

If I was on "Cake Boss," I'd call all the cakes into my office & be like "Fax these forms! Make me coffee! JK dudes; I know you're cakes."

Reasonably good watercolor I did of my wife: twitter.com/robdelaney/sta…

I want to see an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile pull into a pink garage, then pull out, then go back in again, etc, forever.

My last tweet might not have been my best, but it insulted Drake, Rick Perry & George W. Bush in well under 140 characters.

If you conceive a baby while listening to Drake, that baby will be so stupid its only job prospect will be Texas Governor.

Adele I will bring you Karl Lagerfeld's head in a bag.

Any Italian grandmother will tell you, you gotta perch your woman on a kitchen counter if you wanna lick that pussy right.

Tour dates: Miami, DC, Philly, NYC, Sasquatch: robdelaney.tumblr.com/post/165364913… Please, oh Jesus, please come. #Moist #Panties

To make sure your neighbor knows it was their car alarm that went off, it can be helpful to put a cinderblock through their windshield.