“Give until it hurts. And then give a little more. The key to a happy marriage is not 50/50. It’s 100 percent ON YOUR PART.”
This is so very true and I know that I’ve had my moments of keeping score. But I don’t walk away feeling better after I’ve shared this with my husband; I feel so selfish. Thanks for the reminder of respecting our husband’s, too. Great post!
Have a Happy Marriage
Posted by Rachel Balducci in Family on Tuesday, January 31, 2012 12:00 PM
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and that’s got me thinking about love. Love is in the air! Chocolates, roses, red wine and crab dip. (That last one might be specific to us?).
But what really keeps the love alive? Flowers and candy are all well and good but a happy marriage they do not make. Yes, they add an extra spark, but no amount of ornamentals can make up for a good foundation—and if you don’t have that, the little extras will do very little to help.
In my experience, in my reading and talking and listening about what makes the very best marriages—and in reflecting on the best tools Paul and I have come across—here are my recommendations for what will get you far in your marriage, what will bring you true happiness and love to last a lifetime.
1. Quit thinking about how you could improve as a couple. This might sound counter-intuitive, but let me tell you from experience that always looking at the ways your marriage could be closer to your ideal will get you nowhere fast. Yes we want to improve and be the best we can be. But when we’re always looking at how other “ideal” couples operate, we only become more aware of our flaws and (worse!) of our spouse’s shortcomings.
2. On that note, Don’t Compare. Don’t look at the great job your best friend’s man does of taking out the trash, especially if that’s something your own husband isn’t quick to do. Trust me, for every two really amazing things her husband does, your own husband has at least that many good qualities—but most likely in totally different areas. Stop finding fault and start finding favor.
3. Respect your husband. A few years ago I heard a talk by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs, based on his book Love and Respect. The book spells out a very basic premise: men want to be respected, women want to be loved. This revolutionized our marriage. Too long had I been giving my husband all kinds of helpful “tips” and “advice” on a variety on topics, only to end each conversation with “I love you baby.” What husbands would rather hear is “I respect you” and oftentimes the best way we can do this is to be supportive and encouraging. Thank your man for how hard he works for your family. Don’t tell him how he could do better.
4. Don’t keep score. Don’t keep track. Today you grocery shopped and cleaned the house and took care of the kids and did homework with them and trained them and took care of the dog. What did your husband do? Well, it doesn’t matter. Maybe he did ten times more. Or ten times less. The minute you start keeping track of who did what, things are going downhill. Give until it hurts. And then give a little more. The key to a happy marriage is not 50/50. It’s 100 percent ON YOUR PART. And not worrying about how much your spouse is giving. If every married person woke up each morning and asked himself (or herself) “what can I do to make my spouse’s life better today?” can you imagine what a wonderful world it would be?
5. Pray together. Even if it’s three minutes, holding hands as you fall asleep, spend time as a couple in prayer. If your spouse isn’t comfortable praying with you, then pray for your spouse. Prayer and personal holiness is at the heart of so much good in every situation. Pray for patience. Pray for more love. Pray for the ability to love your spouse extravagantly.
While these might not be the solution for every marriage, they can do a world of good for those of us who can too easily get sucked into the dangerous self-centered seasons of keeping score. Don’t do it! The person who suffers the most is YOU.
Dying to self keeps the love alive!
Comments
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I couldn’t ask for a better marriage or husband. I’m so blessed that God designed him for me. Oh, it’s not always easy, we have our rows, but we honor each other by putting God the head of our home. Couples have to realize you must choose to love your spouse everyday. EVERYDAY. Wake up in the morning and choose to love him, even if you don’t want to. Honor God by choosing to love your dh EVERYDAY. Thank God everyday for giving your husband to you, even if you don’t like him at a particular time. Thank God for him and pray for him. When you pray for your dh to change, it’s really our hearts that God changes and we are better equipped to be better spouses to our husbands. Another thought….do not judge your dh but respect him. Just some points to ponder from someone who has been married for 16 years and in it for the duration!!!
Thanks, I really needed this today! I love the part about waking up and asking, “what can I do to make my spouse’s day better today”. I think I will try it tomorrow! My husband and I are at a rough patch, and I know it is because of my own selfishness. One loving thing my husband does is make me a pot of tea every morning (he drinks coffee) because he knows I am not a morning person and my day goes that much better if the hot tea is waiting in a pot.
That’s really sweet that he makes you a pot of tea each morning. It’s hard going through the rough patches (regardless the reason) in a marriage. Keep thanking God for your dh and praying for him, and your marriage. It’s vital to pray for protection for your marriage and to be grateful to God for designing that man for you. I hope you feel a peace with waking up and thinking about how you can make his day better…a peace that surpasses all understanding.
wow, the “don’t keep score” part was really what I needed to hear. I am always keeping a mental list of things I could do, in case my husband complains or refuses to help (which he NEVER does) so I can say “how could you! Do you want to know all the things I did today??” Boy is that not helpful. Thanks, Rachel, I will make an effort to work on this one.
Thank you for the excellent reminders! But that said, a few “sparks” are kinda nice for Valentine’s Day….I’m wondering if anyone has some ideas to share—do you have plans for the 14th? I’d like to do something “extra” for my husband that day, but am drawing blanks for ideas. Some of the better things we’ve done for the day in the past have included our kids. They thought it was cool to go to dinner with us, etc. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Red wine and crab dip does sound yummy
Thank you so much for your words today. The part about “not keeping score” are words I need to hear again and again. My husband works his tail off everyday for us and I have been trying to pray and pray that I can be the best wife I can be for him everyday and serve him the best I can. I love ““what can I do to make my spouse’s life better today?” I totally want to implement that everyday. I also love it’s not about 50/50 but me giving 100% of myself everyday. I so needed to hear that and thank you! My endurance is running low after 2 days and evenings of having all 4 children (3 and under) by myself because of my husband’s job. I could feel my patience wearing very thin around dinner time but the rest of the evening went smooth and my two big kids (3.5 and 2) were such big helpers tonight. I am so blessed! Thank you God for my beautiful family!
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